By Geoff (Sparkman)
(In a city different from Monsteropolis, yet suspiciously familiar, an all-too familiar threat has reared its head).
Call: More robot attacks have been reported at Carroll Street, Nathan Avenue, and Levin Street.
Dr. Sanda: Peas and carrots! At this rate, these robots will tear Ravnica apart! There will be nothing but cinders and ashes!! What will we doooooo!!!
Call: Calm down and remember your medication, Dr. Sanda. Dr. White has a plan as we speak.
Dr. White: Right! This uprising is no problem! Just leave it to my greatest creations!! The Mighty Numbers! Are you ready for this??
(A helicopter robot zooms into the room, hovering just a few feet off the ground).
Aviator: You know it!!
(A lone gunslinger sitting off in the corner slightly looks up and tilts his hat up).
CounterShade: Mister, you just said the magic words.
(A red, ninja-like bot with a yellow scarf leaps from the ceiling, brandishing two blades).
Brandish: It’s a job for us, alright!
(A walking, talking arsenal explodes into the scene, brandishing more guns than he has hands).
Battalion: Just say the word, and we’ll hammer those milksucking, drooling cockstains right into the ground!!
Dr. Sanda: Ahhh!! Watch your language! I don’t want Call to hear that kind of talk!! Why can’t you use harmless words, like peas and carrots?
Battalion: If you want to take away my fucking vocabulary, you’re gonna have to carve out of me with your bare, goddamn greasy hands, butterball!!
Dr. Sanda: Waaaaaaahhhh!!
(Dr. Sanda runs and buries his face into a couch, sobbing).
Dr. White: Bat, I told you to watch your mouth. You know how it upsets Dr. Sanda.
Bat: That I do!
Call: Approximately one half of the Mighty Numbers have not reported for duty.
Avi: Thank you. We never would’ve guessed if you hadn’t pointed that out.
Dr. White: Avi, you can take a seat while we're waiting, like everyone else, you know.
Avi: You mean actually touch the ground?? What am I, like five?
Call: You are Mighty Number Six. Bat is Mighty Number 5.
Avi: Again, duly noted.
Brand: Well, the others should be here any minute. We all heard the call.
(As the group wait for the last four Mighty Numbers to show up, the couch Dr. Sanda is crying on catches fire, sending Dr. Sanda running for his life.).
Dr. Sanda: Ohhh noooooo!! The robots are attacking here now, too!!
Brand: No, that’s just Pyro. He’s hiding behind the couch.
Shade: Is he still trying to be sneaky?? C’mon! Give it a rest! You're making a grade-A fool of yourself!
(Pyro emerges from behind the still-burning couch, grumbling).
Pyro: I have to try! I mean, just walking around in broad daylight?? Doesn't it make you feel totally exposed?
Bat: You’re on FIRE half the time, dumbass!! Where the fuck are you going to blend in?! Inside a nuclear explosion?!
Pyro: Actually, with a little teamwork, I think you and I can make that happen.
Brand: Sorry, bro. But sneaky stuff is kind of my thing.
Pyro: Yeah. I know. I spend every minute of my life knowing that. Thank you for reminding me.
(Pyro shoots Brand a withering glare, as an equally grouchy child-like robot in diving armor walks in, putting the burning couch out).
Cryosphere: I don’t see why you’re the only one who gets swords. I think the rest of us should have gotten a say in that.
Dr. White: I told you before, Cryo, Brand is the hit-and-run melee warrior. Your specialty is underwater and subzero combat. Swordfighting just doesn’t fit into that. That’s like Mic being able to throw fireballs and being a rough and tumble brawler.
(A construction bot rolls in, shooting Pyro a withering glare).
SeisMic: Yeah. You’re right. That would be TERRIBLE.
Pyro: If you think for one minute, I’m going to trade with you, you’re sorely mistaken.
Mic: So if you can’t be happy, none of us can be happy?
Pyro: Now you’re catching on.
Shade: I’m happy with the way things turned out, thank you very much.
Bat: You dipshits ain’t gonna hear me bitch and carry on.
Cryo: And I still don’t have a damn sword, if anyone cares. I’m swordless. Like an animal.
(Mic keeps shooting Pyro a withering glare. Pyro and Cryo shoot Brand withering glares. Brand, Avi, Shade and Bat just shoot everyone awkward glances).
Call: One eighth of the Mighty Numbers have not yet assembled.
Avi: Yeah, we know Dyna’s missing. Thanks for the update, Siri.
Call: My name is Call.
Avi: Believe me, I didn’t forget.
Dr. White: C’mon, Dyna! You have to come out sooner or later.
????: Zzzayzzzzz you, Dr. Light!
Dr. White: Dr. White!
????: Zzzzame friggin’ thing! And we all know it!
Brand: C’mon, Dyna! Let’s go!
(A purple haired girl crackling with electricity floats out, muttering a plethora of curses under her breath and shooting everyone a withering glare).
Dynatron: Don’t look at me.
Mic: ...Is that a picture of Bruce Campbell taped on your face?
Shade: Take that off. You just look silly.
Dyna: I know I do. I know I do.
Dr. White: (rips Dyna's "mask" off) That’s enough! We don’t have much time anyway! Look!
(Dr. White points to an image of robots rampaging throughout the city).
Dr. White: All the robots in the city started running amok this morning. As beeeessssttt-
Cryo: Is he doing that thing again?
Shade: Hasn't nobody taken him to a doctor yet?
Mic: It kind of freaks me out, to be honest.
Avi: Wow, this one's really got him stuck.
Dr. White: ... wecantelltheresavirusmakingthemmalfunctionwhichthemightynumbersareimmunetothanks
Bat: Did anybody get that?
Dyna: Ravnica uzzzzed to be a happy, high-tech futuriztic zzzity. Now itzzz a zzmoldering warzone. Zzzzzame thing we've heard before. Juzzzzt point uzzz to Dr. Wily, and we'll have thizzzz done before lunch.
Call: Why do you keep calling Dr. Blackwell that?
Dyna: Becauzzzzee it’z the zzzzame guy!!
Dr. White: It can’t be him. He’s locked up in prison for the cyber terrorist attack years ago.
Dyna: Zzzzure it can’t.
Pyro: ...It probably is him.
Dr. White: Don’t be silly. The city is counting on you to get this under-Dyna take that Bruce Campbell mask off.
Dyna: MAKE ME!!
Cryo: And what about Beck? What’s he doing while all this is going on?
Dr. Sanda: He’s off getting more support, so we can have even more Mighty Numbers to keep Ravnica safe!
(Elsewhere, in a much more familiar setting in Walkman’s Bar...)
Beck: Hey, you! Yes you!
Topman: ...Do we know you?
Airman: Where the hell did he come from?
Beck: Don’t you worry. We got this under control!
Expressman: ...Got what under control?
Beck: This awesome city!!
Snakeman: ...You got the Wily Underground under control...?
Expressman: Is he trying to say that he’s invading us? In the dumbest way possible?
Beck: And we’re controlling it through SHEER. AWESOME!! And so can you!! How?? By joining the Mighty Numbers!
(Beck jumps on top of the bar, and starts jumping around and midair dashing in random directions like a spaz).
Beck: Yeah!! You like that?! You like dashing around like a moonman on smack??
Expressman: Buddy, I'm Expressman. I dash around places for a living.
Quickman: And with more speed and control, too.
Beck: But not as much AWESOME! That's what the Mighty Numbers are all about! Hell, we’ll dash around all day! Up! Down! Left and right! Even directions that haven’t even been thought of yet! I don’t know!
Gravityman: ...Directions we haven’t thought of...? What, is he going to go through the fourth dimension or something...??
Beck: (still dashing around) The fourth dimension of AWESOME! That’s where were going!! And why not the fifth or sixth dimensions?! We’ll leave our foes so far in the dust, they’ll cry like anime fans on prom night!
Multiman: HEY! Like half of us here are anime fans!!
Snakeman: Really, who here ISN'T an anime fan??
Waveman: Sniff...Katrina, why did you go out with the captain of the football team over me?? We could’ve had the night of our lives watching DBZ! (sobs into his beer).
Oilman: Damnit, Wave.
Beck: (backflips on top of Wave) So, who here wants to be the next generation of heroes?! A generation of heroes who give gravity the finger and makes physics their bitch! The Mighty Numbers. Because, hey. Let’s see you do that spinning around like a top.
Topman: ...I’m sorry. WHAT?
(Back to our mighty heroes).
Shade: Well, whatever he comes up with, a mighty number Polaris would not go amiss...
Cryo: You're already Shade. You don't need to be Polarity. You're already happy being who you are. Unlike at least half of us.
Bat: Don’t worry. We’re all the firepower this town needs. Alright, cheesedicks! Get your asses in gear and move out!!
Dr. Sanda: AGGGGHHH!! Stop saying naughty words!! (goes into a corner to cry.)
Dyna: Yeah, Bat. Or elzzze we’re gonna have to wazzzzh your mouth out with zzoooap.
Bat: Yeah, well I don’t have to have a picture of a B-Movie actor taped to my face just to show myself in public! Oh, sorry. Show myzzzeellf in public!
Dyna: You take that back!!
Brand: Cut the crap, guys. Let’s just go.
(The Mighty Numbers all file out. Except for Pyro, who desperately tries to remain unseen, dashing and ducking behind chairs and furniture...All the while leaving them on fire. Including the corner Dr. Sanda is hiding in.).
Dr. Sanda: Ahhhhh!! Nooooooooo!!!
Dr. White: ...Is Pyro getting any better about not burning everything he hides behind??
Cryo: (puts fires out) He missed the china hutch. So yes.
(The Mighty Numbers all teleport into Ravnica, which is as Dyna predicted, a smoldering warzone).
Mic: Great. So where do we start?
Pyro: Hard to tell. These robots aren’t really following an organized pattern. I say we all just fan out and-Bat. Avi. Stop shooting at the civilians.
(Bat and Avi are both firing at civilians, laughing manically all the while).
Bat: Oh...Sorry...Force of habit.
Avi: Yeah. Our bad.
Pyro: We fan out, put down as many of these robots as we can, and keep an eye out for anything that could be the source.
Cryo: Which could be anything.
Dyna: If it lookzz like Zigma, we’re probably on the right track.
Shade: How in the blue blazes would you know? And who’s Sigma?
Dyna: Juzzzt go with me on thizzz, hopalong.
Brand: It wouldn't surprise me. We all know the trick to taking these bots down, right?
Mic: I think so. Beck made it seem straightforward enough.
Pyro: Good. Alright, ready? And BREAK! ...Bat! Avi! Stop shooting the civvies!
Bat: (gunning down an old lady) Damnit! This hero bullshit is gonna take a lot getting used to.
Avi: I'm with you, pal.
(Everyone fans out in their separate directions Avi takes to the skies to confront several malfunctioning aerial robots).
Avi: Okay, how did Beck do this...? Dash into the bad guys, then shoot them...?
(Avi dashes into the closest robot, who damages him as soon as he runs into him.)
Avi: AGGGH! Nope! Other way around!
(Avi peppers the flying robots with his vulcans and his rockets. As they reel from the blasts, he swoops into them, their bodies breaking apart and going into his own).
Avi: HA! That’s pretty freakin’ cool! I got like, a dozen of them in one shot! This is gonna be a blast!
Call: (over radio) More enemies closing in.
(Several more malfunctioning robots swoop towards Avi).
Avi: Thank you darling. Never would’ve spotted them otherwise!
(Avi maneuvers around the enemy barrage, returning fire and absorbing damaged robots into himself).
Avi: Frickin’ sweet! I dunno how this shit works, but life’s looking pretty good as the world’s first cannibal helicopter robot!
Dr. White: (over radio) Are you recording any of this? Beck said he needed live footage in order to find more recruits!
Avi: (snaps his fingers) Oh, right! Thanks for reminding me.
(Avi switches on a remote helicopter drone that follows behind him).
Avi: Heyyo! This the one and only Avi, the Mighty Number 6 saving the d-
(Suddenly, Avi freezes in mid-air and mid-sentence, as everything around him suddenly stops).
Avi: (thinking) What the hell?!
(Avi tries to fly forward, towards a weakened enemy but is stuck firmly in place).
Avi: (thinking) This is weirding me out. Did I just like, break physics or-
(Suddenly, the world starts moving again for Avi. Only much faster than he can keep up, as he finds himself hurtling forward...Right into a building).
Avi: Ugh, what was that all about...?
(Meanwhile, on Levin Street, Bat is letting loose the full extent of his destructive power, while absorbing his enemies into himself).
Bat: KYAHAHAHAHA!! YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOTS ARE NOTHING BUT RED SMEARS ON MY ARMOR- Wait a minute. This seems a little too easy. Better make sure I’m doing this right.
(Bat takes a break from slaughtering civilians and reads some scribbles he left on his hand).
Bat: “Shoot the robots, NOT the people??” I’m sorry. Even if that’s my handwriting, that still just doesn’t make any fucking sense.
Civilian: OH NO! BAT’S GONE OUT OF CONTROL!
Bat: ...I should probably move out...
Dr. Sanda: (over the radio) Oh no!! Just look at all that carnage! I’m next!! I just know it!!
Bat: Jesus H Christ! What the hell are you blubbering about?! It’s not like you’re here!
Dr. Sanda: Somebody hide meeeeee!! Waaaahhh!!
(Bat winces as he listens to Sanda bawling like a baby over his com).
Bat: Get off the fucking com, cheesedick! I can’t hear shit!!
Cryo: (over radio) You’re not missing much.
Call: (over radio) Cryo, you have twenty enemies fifteen yards ahead of you.
Cryo: You mean the ten-foot tall, four legged monstrosities shooting sawblades as big as I am at me?! I spotted them before you did!!
Bat: Okay, I don’t have to listen to this shit.
(Bat goes into his internal settings and mutes his radio).
Bat: Alright, much better.
(As Bat saves his settings, he suddenly finds himself unable to move!)
Bat: Now what?!
(Bat notices his settings have not yet saved. And while he’s waiting for them to save, everything around him just stops!)
Bat: What is this shit?!
(Bat struggles to move as he’s surrounded by combroids!)
Bat: This is all I fucking need!
(Elsewhere, Mic’s luck isn’t much better. He charges towards a wounded robot, ready to absorb him. But his dash falls short, and the robot recovers, shooting him!)
Mic: Argh!! This dash ability is the most useless thing ever! It hurts you more than the enemies!!
(Meanwhile, Brand is off in the distance, effortlessly slicing through robot security drones and absorbing them, as he dashes by).
Brand: It’s working okay for me!!
Mic: Yeah! Lucky you!
Brand: (over radio) Have you tried using your special ability?
Mic: Oh!! You mean this one?!
(Mic revs up and does a slightly longer dash...that falls short and leaves him open to enemy fire!)
Mic: What do you think?!
Shade: (over radio) Use some help, pardner?
Mic: Oh, only as much as I can get!
Shade: I’m on top of the pharmacy at your seven o’clock. I got your back, Hoss!
(Shade lines up a shot, and hits his target in the stomach).
Shade: That’s how it’s done.
Mic: AGGHH!! You jackass!! What was that for?!
Shade: What? What’s wrong?
Mic: YOU JUST SHOT ME!
Shade: ...I did...? Let me try again...
Mic: GAGGHH!! NO!! THAT’S STILL ME!!
Mic: How can you keep hitting me?! You’re the goddamn sniper around here!
Shade: I know, but...Everything just looks so small and ugly from up here. Truth be told, you almost look like part of the background.
Mic: Really?? The construction bot the size of a pickup truck blends in the background?!
Shade: You should see how hard it is to spot the l’il ladies, like Cryo and Dyna half the time.
Dyna: (over radio) I OBJECT TO BEING CALLED THAT, HOPALONG!
Cryo: (over radio) As do, I actually.
Shade: ...Sorry. But if you don’t believe me, just the other day, you spent three minutes shouting at a soda fountain you thought was Cryo.
Mic: ...Now that you mention it, Ravnica doesn’t look as good as it did when we first saw it. It’s like it gets less and less detailed and stylized. And the textures get more off with each passing day.
Shade: It's weird enough how everyone talks without their mouths moving. That still creeps me out.
Mic: But still! You’re the sniper around here! You’re above this crap!
Shade: Fine. Maybe if I get closer, it’ll help.
Mic: Get on it, Shademan!
Dyna: (over radio) It’zz okay. I’ve made that mizzztake a couple timezzz myzzzeelf.
(Shade climbs down the building, takes aim and fires, coming closer, every time he fires).
Mic: That’s still me you’re shooting!
Mic: Cut it out!!
Mic: WHAT ARE YOU AIMING AT??
Shade: (over radio) There! That time I got ‘em! I know I did!
Mic: I should hope so! You’re standing in front of me!
Shade: (over radio) Am I?
(Shade lowers his rifle’s scope, turns around and sees an irate Mic standing behind him, with his arms folded.)
Shade: ...Ah. So I am...
(A bunch of Klifts, Throtly-As, and Punk Rollies roll out from around the corner and barrel into Shade, knocking the wind out of him).
Shade: ...This was not one of my more thought out ventures.
Brand: (over radio) Oh for crying out loud. I’ve got you guys.
Mic: Great. My backup needs backup. This is turning into the story where the old lady swallowed a fly.
(Brand rushes forward, slashing and dashing through one renegade robot after until...)
(Brand runs himself into a forest of spikes that appear seemingly out of nowhere!)
Pyro: (over radio) AGGHH! Is anyone else running into arbitrarily-placed spikes?
Avi: (over radio) No, I'm just running into to buildings!
Mic: Brand just did.
Cryo: Really? Brand’s the last person I’d expect to have trouble with spikes.
Brand: Seriously?! Who puts spikes out in the middle of the street?!
Dyna: (over radio) I’m guezzzing thezzzze maverick botzzzz got a zzzzick zzzenzzze of humor.
Pyro: As good of an explanation as any. And, Dyna, take that Bruce Campbell mask off.
Dyna: Goddamnit!! How did you know I wazzz wearing it?!
Bat: (over radio) Dyna, shut the fuck up. What, did you run into some of those damn spikes, too?
Pyro: Almost! I was dashing around, trying to suck up a robot recycling bin throwing grenades at me-
Shade: Just when you think there are no new sentences...
Pyro: -When everything around me, including myself just got stuck in place for a few seconds-
Avi: And when you started moving again, everything was moving faster than usual? Like time was catching up with itself?
Pyro: So it's not just me?? Thank god. But at least I stopped before I hit the spikes.
Avi: Good. Then it’s not just happening to-
(Avi freezes in place. Then all of a sudden moves faster than he meant to...)
(...Right into a radio tower).
Bat: You think that’s bad?! Everything’s still frozen around me!! Everything!! I feel like a fucking oil painting here!
Shade: Oh, yeah. You don't wanna mess with your internal settings. It like, breaks time or something.
Bat: GOOD TO KNOW!!
Brand: (coughing up blood and prying himself from the spikes) Yeah, don’t worry about me! I’m totally fine!
Cryo: To be fair, I’ve been trying to get a hold of Call, Dr. White, or somebody to send us a much-needed Patch. But...
Call: (over radio) Multiple enemy robots closing in.
Dr. Sanda: (over radio) Peas and carrots!! They just keep coming!
Call: More multiple robots closing in.
Dr. Sanda: NOOOOOO!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!
Call: Yet more multiple robots approaching.
Dr. Sanda: Somebody save ussssss!!
Cryo: ...Call and Sanda keep tying up the radio with their useless prattle.
Bat: Get off the fucking horn! Both of you!! Especially you, Lardass!
Dr. Sanda: WAAAAAAAHHHH!! NO POTTY MOUTH!!
Pyro: Never mind that. Where’s Beck?! He should’ve been here with more help by now!
Dyna: Take a wild guezzzzz.
(Meanwhile, back Walkman’s Bar.)
Beck: Hey. Hey you guys. What could be more awesome than long-dashing, short-dashing, sliding, spiraling all over creation??
Gravityman: You’re still here...?
Beck: Racking up combos!!
(Beck starts zooming around again, this time shooting at random objects, and absorbing them as he flies by.)
Topman: What the?! HEY! You just absorbed my onion rings, you jerk!!
Beck: See that? I just pulled off a six hit combo! Not good enough for you?? Think I can do better?? On it!!
(Beck zooms around shoots more random crap in the bar!)
Walkman: AGGH! Not my sunglasses-wearing moosehead! Do you have any idea how hard that was to get?!
Beck: See that?? I just wracked a seven hit combo ON TOP OF another combo!! Keep it up, and you can rack combos higher than any man can count!
Stoneman: ...Higher than we can count? Higher than thirteen?
Topman: It’s like he hates his own audience, or something.
Snakeman: ...What do these combos even do?
Beck: But don’t take my word for it! Just see how AWESOME it is in practice! Check out this montage!
(Beck projects an image on a wall of footage being broadcast through Avi’s camera drone back in Ravnica).
Mic: Shade!! That! Was! My ASS!!
Shade: ...Sorry, Pard.
Brand: (messily impaled) AUGGHH! Not again!!
Cryo: (grabs the camera) If somebody, ANYBODY can hear me, we need another Patch out here, IMMEDIATELY!
Call: (over radio) Multiple enemies en route.
Dr. Sanda: (over the radio) THIS IS A DISSSASSTER!!
Bat: I swear to god, as soon as I can move again, I’m going to rip your vocal cords out of your fifty acre ass!!
Dr. Sanda: PEAS AND CARROTS! JUST SAY PEAS AND CARROTS!!
Brand: ...Nobody's answering, Cryo. Hand me that candy wrapper on the ground. I can at least use it to plug one of the holes on my arm.
Topman: ...Yeah, I don’t know who he’s trying to impress with this.
Crystalgirl: Man, either the video quality gets worse, or that town gets uglier every time I watch this.
Topman: You mean you’ve seen this before?
Crystalgirl: Yeah. His pitch was better the first time I saw him with Gyro, Wave, and Napalm. It didn’t look nearly as sorry as this. I’d be ashamed to show this off if I were him.
Snakeman: That's okay. He still hasn’t told us what these combos even do.
Beck: What do they do?? They separate the wheat from the chaff! The winners from the losers! And the hardcore from the thirty-something year-old virgin who sits in his parents’ basement, wearing diapers and playing with tops.
(Topman pulls his arm back to deck Beck, but Snakeman stops him).
Topman: Let me at him!! He’s doing this on purpose!!
(Suddenly, the camera feed cuts to an old man in a pinstripe uniform).
Wily??: Grrrrr!! You'll never be mighty enough to beat me!
Beck: Nobody's talking to you, Blackwell!!
Expressman: Holy crap! They got Wily!!
Multiman: I was beginning to think he was dead this whole time! I'll never doubt Doc again!
Doc Robot: Wait! That's not master! At least...I don't think so...
Barrageman: Unit Doc Robot wishes to chance that?
Doc Robot: Wily Return Force, MOVE OUT!!
(The WRF all rush out the bar.)
Beck: So what are you waiting for?? Are you ready have fun?? Are you ready to be hardcore?? Are you ready to be...Mighty...?
(Snakeman raises a hand, but Topman bats it down).
Topman: Seriously, Snake? Why? Did you actually even WATCH the clip he put on??
Snakeman: I admit, it looked a little...rough around the edges. But the idea of zooming around and racking up the highest combo could be fun.
Topman: Have some pride. We want nothing to do with this garbage fire.
Will the Mighty Numbers keep Ravnica from falling to chaos and destruction? Or are the maverick renegade robots and strange time anomalies too much for them to handle? Will the Wily Underground answer Beck’s weirdly-aggressive call to join his cause? Will Waveman ever stop crying about his prom night? (Spoiler: No, but NOT because he’s an anime fan). All these questions will be answered in the thrilling conclusion, coming soon!
To Be Continued ...
|Leon as .....||
|Raijin as .....||
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|Ben as .....||
|Nightmare as .....||
|Lennon as .....||
|Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....||
|Gauntlet as .....||