Series 9 Issue #11 - Bad Neighbors


(The Mechs are all out in the Underground looking for lunch.)

Snakeman: Sorry guys, this Pizza Hut only does take-out. It doesn't have an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Shadowman: Did you check inside? I think we should check inside.

Geminiman: Gauntlet, this Pizza Hut is between a Payless and a Walgreens. It's literally a hut. How on earth is a buffet going to fit in there?

Sparkman: Forget the buffet. How's Hardman going to fit in there?

Hardman: ...I'd be more offended if I wasn't asking myself the same thing.

Topman: C'mon guys, I know Pizza Hut does all-you-can-eat buffets! There's got to be one around here, somewhere!

Magnetman: Even in an underground, abandoned city that's cut off from the surface?

Topman: Well, DUH!

Needlegal: Whatever, we'll check one more address, then we're hitting the vegan restaurant.

Sparkman: ...Gauntlet's right. I think we should at least check it before moving on.

.......

Snakeman: ...Gauntlet?

(Everyone looks around for Shadowman, who's inexplicably disappeared. After a few minutes of looking, the ninja re-emerges from a vent in the roof and nimbly lands on the street).

Shadowman: Nope, Snake's right. This place doesn't have a buffet. Might as well move on.

Hardman: ...Why did you have to sneak through the roof to get out?

Geminiman: ...Are those pizza boxes underneath your cloak?

(Geminiman points to several poorly-concealed pizza boxes bulging out from underneath his ninja garb)

Shadowman: ...No!!

(Snakeman sighs, fires off a few Search Snakes that crawl up underneath Shadowman's armor and snatches up all the pizza Shadowman was smuggling out).

Snakeman: One veggie pizza for Needle, one pepperoni for Top, one Meateor for me, Hard, and Magnet, one pepper and mushroom for Gemini, one stuffed hotdog crust pizza for Sparkman.

Magnetman: Hotdogs and pizza?! What madness is this??

Sparkman: What? I want a hotdog and a pizza. And they all go and come out the same place, anyhow!

Magnetman: There's still nothin' right 'bout puttin' the two together! Why not chug a gallon of chocolate milk with it while you're at it?

Sparkman: (Holds up a slice of pizza to Shadowman) I'll give you a slice of my pizza if you get me some chocolate milk.

Magnetman: You animal!!

Topman: (Holds up a slice of his pizza) Me too.

Magnetman: I don't know you people!

(After enjoying their meal, the Mechs make their way back to their apartment).

Magnetman: ...I hope you heretics are happy. I couldn't even finish my lunch.

Snakeman: ...We got you some chocolate milk too.

Magnetman: That's why I couldn't finish it! Ain't nobody in the right mind who puts that food together! I feel like a goat! A bloated, unhappy goat, that hates everyone around him.

Shadowman: If this is the worst thing to happen to you today, you should count yourself lucky.

(Topman goes to open the door to the apartment, only to find Chargeman, curled up in a ball staring right back at him).

Topman: Guys. There's a thirty-foot, rampaging, coal-spewing monstrosity curled up in our apartment.

Hardman: What??

(As soon as Chargeman notices the Mechs, coal starts erupting from his smokestack as he roars in fury).

Chargeman: Meeeeechhsss!!!

Needlegal: When the hell did he get here?!

Magnetman: Who cares?! I'm worried where the rest of his pals are!

(As if on cue, Gyroman floats in followed by Crystalgirl, investigating the source of all the noise).

Gyroman: Ah, man!! Just when we finally put him down for his nap! What?? The Mechs?!

(The startled Gyroman fires a barrage of sidewinders at the Mechs. But Magnet and Needle detonate them with shots from their six shooters and Needle Cannon. More coal starts belching out of Chargeman as he starts getting riled up.)

Chargeman: Raaaaagghhh!

Crystalgirl: Knock it off, dumbass! You're just working him up!!

Gyroman: Then put him back to sleep, sweetie! That's your job, not mine!!

Crystalgirl: Grrrr...

(Crystalgirl forms a pair of giant crystal hands that pick up Chargeman and cradle him softly as she starts to sing softly to the monstrosity.)

Crystalgirl: Crashing the waves, the invasion has beguuunn...Breaking morale with the sound of blazing guuunnnss...First in the line of fire...First into hostile land. Choo-choos leading the way...

Chargeman: ...Leeeeaading the waaaayyy...

Hardman: What the hell is this?!

Gyroman: Shhhhh!!

(Chargeman curls up into a little ball and drifts off to sleep, sucking his thumb.)

Magnetman: ...What in the blue blazes is going on here?? What kind of invasion are you launching here??

Crystalgirl: Invasion?? We were welcomed here! We needed to go somewhere after Chimera ran the Scissor Army into the ground. And Doc Robot was happy to oblige.

Sparkman: And Doc Robot was also okay with you turning our apartment into Thomas the Rage Engine's doggie house?

Gyroman: Well, we had to put him somewhere! And it's not like your name's on the building, new guy!

Needlegal: So you're not here just to kill us?

Gyroman: We got lives outside of you, you know. What are we, Torchman?

Crystalgirl: And most of our energy is spent towards hating each other. And we don't hate you more than say, the Comrades. So you lucked out.

Snakeman: Well, that's a relief.

Shadowman: No it's not!! This is the third place we've had to move into down here!! We're not letting you have it just like that!

(Gyroman casually motions to the ruined apartment.)

Gyroman: If you want it back, just say the word.

Crystalgirl: Oh, and by the way, you may want to watch where you're standing.

(Crystalgirl smirks and points to a puddle of dark, fetid fluids leaking out of Chargeman, that the Mechs happen to be standing in. The disgusted Mechs all jump out of the puddle, kicking it off their boots.)

Shadowman: ...You have no idea how lucky you are that this place isn't worth fighting for anymore!

Magnetman: Could be worse. At least they ain't interested in killing us for a change.

Crystalgirl: Oh don't get the wrong idea. We are. We're just trying to be quiet about it. Don't want to wake Chargey up from his nap.

(Starman shoots an arrow at Snakeman from atop the roof, as Crystal girl zaps Needlegal with her crystal eye laser. Waveman emerges from the filthy puddle and snaps at the Mechs.)

Waveman: Kyahahaha! I just keep getting crazier and crazier!

(Stoneman materializes out of the rubble and swats at Topman, knocking him aside. Hardman rushes up and grapples him, but is barely hanging on).

Topman: Aggghh!! They're all over us!

Hardman: If anyone's got any ideas I'd like to hear them!

Needlegal: (Dodging an arrow) Forget it!! Let's just get out of here! Spark-!

Sparkman: I got it!! Sinister Six, reunite!!

(Sparkman shoots a Blinding Spark Wave. As the Androids stumble around blind as a bat, the Mechs make a clean escape!)

Stoneman: Great. Napalm's not going to be happy we lost them.

Starman: Who cares. I'm too appalled that Waveman would use Chargeman's lubricants to make up his body.

Waveman: Oh, bah! You've seen me use nastier fluids!

Stoneman: He's got us there...

(Later, once the Mechs are out of danger...)

Sparkman: Man, I hate retreating. It feels like fighting in the wrong direction.

Needlegal: Which direction would you rather fight towards? The genocidal maniacs who got the drop on us? The apartment that was already destroyed? Or the out-of-control juggernaut who would've woken up if we didn't leave when we did?

Snakeman: We're just lucky Gravityman wasn't there. He would've crushed us while we were talking.

Geminiman: I can't believe Doc Robot is just letting them do whatever they want. Shouldn't he be keeping them on a tighter leash?

Hardman: What are we gonna do, tattle on them? That's weak!

Sparkman: I heard that.

Topman: The Undergrounds' still a fairly big place. Well find another place to hide out in soon enough.

Torchman: There you are, you wretched Mechs!!

Magnetman: ...Not soon 'nuff it seems.

(The Sinister Six all surround the Mechs, glaring at them.)

Bitman: You've done it this time, Mechs!!!

Sharkman: Yeah!!

Needlegal: Sigh. What is now, Torch?

Torchman: Thanks to your own incompetence, the Androids have taken over our base, driving us from our rightful home!

Shadowman: Join the club.

Snakeman: How is that our fault?

Hardman: And since when was your dump worth taking over?

Oilman: Starman said he was going to turn it into his personal theater.

Wave Woman: And he didn't even invite us to his show! How mean! o(╥﹏╥)o

Oilman: What did you expect? Shark asked him if Crystalgirl was going to do a burlesque show!

Sharkman: He didn't say no, dood!

Sparkman: Thanks for the tip.

Torchman: Enough! This fresh tragedy that has befallen my downtrodden comrades is clearly one of your design, foul Mechs! For years, you've had ample opportunity to rid the world of some of your most dangerous foes! Not quite as dangerous as us, mind you. But a distant second. But after these underhanded turn of events, I now realize you intentionally spared their lives so they could bring ruin upon us!! Tell me Mechs, have you become so cowardly and impotent that you must manipulate your worst enemies to finish us off??

Wave Woman: You tell them, Torchie!! 乂◜◬◝乂

Geminiman: Why do we keep listening to his rants from start to finish?

Sparkman: Well, he is kinda funny. I dunno about you, I could use a laugh or two.

Magnetman: None of this amounts to a hill of beans. It's still your problem, not ours. Sounds like the Androids got you just as bad as they got us.

Torchman: Ha!! They haven't beaten us yet!! The destruction of our base was an acceptable loss!! But little do they realize, they're playing right into my hands! And when the time is right, we'll rise up and spring our trap!

Topman: ...Which probably just involves pestering us.

Blademan: It's the last thing they'd expect!!

(Suddenly, the building behind them explodes, as Napalmman and the Androids emerge from the burning wreckage!)

Napalmman: Listen you thumbsucking, Section 8 nimrod!! This is the perfect spot for an arcade!! You really think that warehouse down the street is better?

Gravityman: Well, where are we supposed to put the DDR Console?

Starman: You're the only person who plays that!

Crystalgirl: Never mind that crap! It's the Mechs!!

Waveman: And those guys we killed in Berlin!!

Torchman: Inconceivable!! If you crossed the mighty Sinister Six in Berlin, you would not be alive to-

(Napalmman shoots Torchman in mid-rant.)

Napalmman: Get these cheesedicks out of our arcade!!!

Wave Woman: Hey!! Nobody picks on Torchman like that! >=(

Starman: (Shoots Wave Woman) We'll gladly share the wealth!!

(The Androids drive off the Mechs and the Sinister Six with a furious onslaught. Much later, the Mechs have tried and tried finding a new spot to call home, but to no avail.)

Hardman: Damnit, that's the fifth block that the Androids have taken over!!

Geminiman: Don't bother checking anything south of here. They've conquered all of that too.

Shadowman: I don't believe this!! Is this all these losers can conquer?? A bunch of abandoned buildings in a decrepit city? Have they really sunk this low??

Snakeman: They've conquered most of it and forced us out of our home. I'd say they're doing great.

Shadowman: I know!! I'm just pissed!!

Sparkman: Keep it together guys. I found us a new place to crash. And I bet Snake's new Lionman skin thong that the Androids wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole.

Snakeman: I didn't use any of Tar's fur to make that.

Sparkman: I'm wearing some very compelling proof that you did.

Needlegal: If you add anything more to that, I'm going to bury you wherever you're taking us.

(Spark leads the Mechs to a church. But as soon as they arrive, they find Crystalgirl, Stoneman, and Gravityman hanging up upside down crosses and pentagrams.)

Crystalgirl: Just keep walking, boys.

(Sparkman shrugs and reaches into his pants, and hands Snakeman a lionskin thong and walks off. Snake holds it as though it were a used diaper and flings it away from him).

Snakeman: ...Of all the bets he chose to honor...

Magnetman: ...How did he take it off without taking off his pants first?

Sparkman: Years of practice, Hop-A-Long. Years of practice.

(Later, down in the sewers...)

Shadowman: I know it stinks down here! I know it's the sewers. But if it's good enough for the Ninja Turtles, it's good enough for-

(By the time they reach the bottom, they find the Androids have flooded the tunnels and Waveman, Starman, and Gyroman playing in it like a water park!)

Waveman: Hey!! You can't just waltz in here without paying admission first!!

(The Mechs all escape as Wave, Gyro and Star attack them. Later...)

Geminiman: A cemetery?? Really?

Needlegal: Well, we're not staying at the dump. And these are the only two places left that they haven't invaded yet!

Hardman: Man, this place looks really beat up. Even for the Underground.

Topman: Are parts of it supposed to be on fire? Still?

Snakeman: Hey guys, it looks like the sun's coming up. (Points to the sky)

Needlegal: What?? We're underground!! How is the sun going to rise down here?)

Snakeman: My point exactly.

(The Mechs look up, and notice the "sun" is getting brighter and rushing towards them. They frantically take cover in an underground crypt as the "sun" turns out to be a Napalm Nuke that slams into the cemetery and blows it to hell!)

Shadowman: ...Any more bright ideas...?

(Later, The Mechs are staying at the Dream Team's hideout)

Needlegal: Alright guys, thanks for helping us like this.

Quickman: Normally, we wouldn't stick our necks out for you like this. But since the Androids already took over our hideout so they could turn it into a skating rink for Crystalgirl, I think we could use all the help we can get.

Topman: As long as we stick together, we at least got better odds whenever the Androids decide to invade this place.

(Suddenly, the front wall of the Dream Team's hideout explodes, as Chargeman stampedes through their lair! Gyroman and Napalmman charge in, shooting Napalm Bombs and sidewinders everywhere!)

Gyroman: ...No you don't.

Snakeman: ...There goes our next hideout...

Needlegal: Don't give up!! We still got them outnumbered!!

Woodman: ...I don't know...This is going to be rough...

Metalman: Stop saying that!!

(The Mechs and the Dream Team each double team an Android. But even with their combined might, their odds are only slightly better).

Napalmman: Gyahahah!! Just give it up already, ladies!! This international airport is as good as ours!!

Crystalgirl: An international airport?? Goddamn it, asshat!! I thought you said this was going to be a shopping mall!!

Napalmman: Shut up, Gypsy Bitch! We need an international airport!

Waveman: Yeah!!

Gyroman: C'mon, guys. At least save it for when we kill these guys. Please?

Quickman: How are you building a shopping mall on top of this place?? Let alone an airport! This used to be a Burger King!!

Gravityman: Well, obviously. But we had to expand the parking lot for our mall/airport somewhere.

Napalmman: A shopping mall/airport?! That's retarded!! Even for you!!

Gravityman: Honestly, don't I get points for trying to strike a compromise? There's no pleasing you.

Starman: I told you to build an art gallery, but nobody listens to me!!

Napalmman: And you think that's going to change now, Tinkerbell??

Gyroman: Guys!! Guys!! Fight them!! Not us!!

(The Androids look and realize they're shooting each other. The Mechs and the Dream Team have stepped back and are just watching them squabble).

Napalmman: ...Let's save this until after we kill these guys.

Gravityman: Fair enough.

Gyroman: Ugh!!

(The Androids resume their assault on the Mechs and the Dream Team.)

Needlegal: This is pointless!! You know we've beaten you before!!

Napalmman: Shut up and do it already!!

Torchman: We intend to do that and more!!

Magnetman: Oh, lordy-lord...

(The Sinister Six all drop into the middle of the battle!)

Geminiman: Ah, come on. This day is humiliating enough without you coming to our rescue!! We're not THAT desperate!

Blademan: Don't worry! Coming to your rescue is the last thing we're going to do!

(The Sinister Six all open fire upon the Mechs!)

Needlegal: Really? Really?! You're doing this now??

Torchman: We gave you fair warning we would! And yet, you played into my hands!! Clearly you're no match for my tactical genius!!

Wave Woman: I wouldn't have thought of this! \m/(>.<)\m/

(The Sinister Six press their assault on the Mechs. The Mechs find themselves increasingly overwhelmed as they find themselves outgunned).

Snakeman: I hate to say it but they really do have the advantage.

Shadowman: No!! I refuse to let those creeps get the best of us!! Not again!!

Needlegal: We can't handle the Sinister Six and the Androids at the same time!

Sparkman: Don't say it like THAT! Now Torch is going to have that for his ringtone!

Torchman: You hear that?! The Mechs have officially bowed down to our superiority!! All that's left is to finish them off once and for all!!

Sharkman: Awesome!! We can do this!

Stoneman: (Shakes his head at Torchman) ...And I thought Napalm was an ass...

Crystalgirl: He's got their undying support, and he's leading them to victory. So he's doing alright by me.

Napalmman: Stop chitchatting and blow them to shit already!!

(By now, the Mechs are overwhelmed by the combined might of the Androids and the Sinister Six!)

Needlegal: It's no good! This is a lost cause! Fall back!

(The Mechs clear out, leaving the Dream Team to fend for themselves).

Quickman: Where do you think you're going?? Goddamnit! Everyone, fall back!

(The Dream Team run after the Mechs, leaving their base in smoldering ruins. Later, the remainder of the Underground are meeting up in the dump.)

Hardman: This is going nowhere! There's literally no corner of the Underground that the Androids haven't invaded first!

Shadowman: And every damn time we try to fight them off, the stupid Sinister Six show up and we lose the high ground!

Sparkman: I say we look at the upside. It's a good thing they weren't always this competent, or else we'd be screwed a long time ago.

Shadowman: We're screwed already!!

Sparkman: ...So much for tryin' to fill the optimist void Spark Chan left behind.

Geminiman: And thanks for the pep talk, illustrious leader.

Snakeman: Seriously, why hasn't Doc Robot done anything about this already? Whether he let them be here or not, he can't be okay with them terrorizing other members of the Underground.

Hardman: When's Doc Robot ever done anything for us? We've kicked their asses before! We can do it again! We don't need to go crying to some of our old enemies for help!

Torchman: HA!! How typical of you Mechs, always resorting to violence! Always to raise a fist, and always the first to run out of ideas! That's why we always use diplomacy, unless all else has failed!!

Bitman: ...Since when...?

Oilman: What? Didn't you get the memo?

Shadowman: WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!

Torchman: Because clearly, none of you understand the intricacies, depth and scope to this issue! And now that we are united under my undisputed, resolute leadership, we can finally approach this issue from all the right angles. Only then, will we finally reclaim our rightful homes!

Magnetman: I ain't even sure how or where to begin correctin' you on that statement there, pal.

Quickman: Yeah, you're not leading this discussion.

Torchman: -For we are the only ones here who have any real experience with them! We alone confronted them in Berlin in the name of Wily! Even as the world fell and burned all around us, we stared Armageddon in the eyes until it blinked, and emerged triumphant!!

Magnetman: ...Seriously?

Topman: Is he even listening to us?

Flashman: Probably not.

Sparkman: Torch, I dunno who you're talking about, but the Androids are big genocidal balls of hate. They're not going to talk this over tea.

Torchman: Just shows how little you know, Mech! With my breadth of understanding and empathy, we shall reach a mutual conclusion in no time!

Geminiman: That didn't even make any sense.

Sparkman: Good luck with that. Go ahead and try. We'll wait for you.

Oilman: Look Mechs. Since you don't speak crazy, let me translate what our glorious leader is trying to say: If you want our to help, you're gonna be doing this our way.

Hardman: That's not going to happen. Ever.

Shadowman: And we never said we wanted your help.

Oilman: Fine. Then we'll just keep harassing you whenever you're fighting the Androids. Those are your two choices. Which do you prefer?

Mechs: .........

(Later, in Doc Robot's chambers...)

Hardman: Doc, you've got to do something about the Ascendant Androids! They're out of control dicks!

Doc Robot: Not now, Mech! We're busy!

Gyroman: Yeah, buzz off.

(The Mechs' jaws all drop as they see the Androids and Doc Robot gathered around in the living room, hanging out!)

Geminiman: OH, COME ON!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Gravityman: Doc Robot's teaching us how to play Dungeons and Dragons. What are you doing here? You weren't invited.

Doc Robot: Pay attention! You're missing out on valuable storyline! The village chief turns to you and says, "Thank you for accepting our request. I know we don't have much money to repay you with. But we will always be in your debt."

Napalmman: My paladin says, "Think nothing of it. Bahamut would never turn his back on those on the weak and downtrodden. As long as we are here, your village will be safe."

Crystalgirl: You frickin' tool! Nobody here's out of the goodness of their hearts! If I-we aren't getting paid, then we can just move onto the next quest.

Napalmman: Ignore my warlock sister. She has been a very troubled soul ever since she made a pact with the Raven Queen. I'm all that stands between her and total corruption.

Crystalgirl: ...And all the riches a girl could ever want, you spoilsport.

(As the Androids RP with Doc Robot, Barrageman and Chargeman sit in a corner, watching Youtube)

Barrageman: Unit Barrageman highly approves of this song (clicks link): Unit Chargeman has what Unit Barrageman requires.

Chargeman: Buuuuuttt yoooouu saaaaaayy heee'sss just a ffrieeeenndd....

Barrageman: Unit Barrageman accepted blah-blah's declaration for this occasion.

Chargeman: I thoouugghht just haaaavin' a frieeennndd couldn't beee a criimmmee...

Barrageman and Chargeman: Because we have friends, and that's a fact.

Chargeman: Skip to chorus! Skip to chorus!

Barrageman: Agreed.

Barrageman and Chargeman: Youuuuu!! You got what I neeeeed!!

Multiman: Man I can't believe these guys. Do they have any idea how stupid they look?

Multiman: Honestly, they're playing games and singing songs meant for kids! Why don't they act their age?

Waveman: I know, right?

(Waveman splits into two bodies next to Multiman).

Waveman: What's next?? They're going to play Settlers of Catan, next?

Multiman: Don't even say that. You just know one of them is going to make the "I got Wood for Sheep" joke.

Waveman: (Forms another body) Three bucks says it's Napalmman.

Waveman: Nah, Crystal Girl might. She's got a sharper wit than Napalmman.

Multiman: Nah, my money's on Napalmman. Doesn't matter. They're still losers who can't have fun unless they're clinging to each other first.

Multiman: They remind me of a bunch of babies who need each other's attention.

Waveman: Yeah, friends. Who needs 'em?

Multiman: I heard that!

......

Multiman: ...Either you guys want a beer?

(Another split body of Waveman's shows up, carrying a six pack)

Waveman: No need. I got one already.

Shadowman: No! I'm not letting you blow us off like this!! (points at Napalmman) These creeps are just here to conquer the Underground!

Crystalgirl: We told you before, we're rebuilding this city!

Napalmman: Using Stoneman's, Crystalgirl's, and Waveman's, mastery over stone, water and crystal, we've been rebuilding this shithole into something far more productive and useful than a bunch of broken down, abandoned old buildings!

Geminiman: That's a load! All you've done so far is blow this place up one building at a time and terrorize the rest of the Underground! When the hell have they been busy rebuilding this place?!

Napalmman: Stoneman, let's make a liar out of this whiny, belly-aching waste of circuitry!

(Napalmman opens a window and fires a barrage of Napalm Bombs at a nearby building. Using his mastery over stone, Stoneman takes control of the earth, buries the still-burning rubble, and uses the rest to transform the ruins into a Pizza Hut).

Napalmman: Is that good enough for you?!

Topman: Does it have an all-you-can-eat buffet? They don't seem to have those anymore.

(Stoneman shrugs, knocks down a back wall and expands the building so that it has room for a buffet).

Hardman: What about bots like Starman and Gyroman? They're not exactly suited for building much of anything.

Gyroman: We don't have to be. We've been working our asses off, pulling off guerrilla raids on RPD installations, convoys, and just about anywhere else that has anything worth having all over Monsteropolis.

Hardman: My ass.

Gyroman: Don't believe me? For starters, where do you think the pizzas for your Pizza Huts have been coming from?? That's all us!! Us, and what's left of the Scissor Army that Chimera Man didn't get killed.

Starman: Yes. Tell me. When have any of you filthy squatters contributed anything around here?

Doc Robot: You see? This is the reason why I welcomed the Androids here! Little by little, they've been building a city with Master's name on it! Oh, he'll be so pleased when he sees it!

Gravityman: It's not our fault you keep getting in the way. Maybe you should stop squatting in condemned buildings. Just throwing that out there.

Snakeman: Okay. Fine. So when are you getting around to building new apartments?

Starman: Hmph! Why would we build you plebeians apartments??

Snakeman: Because you blew up ours! And the Dream Team's!!

Doc Robot: What?? No! Napalmman, I didn't say you could destroy other buildings Master's loyal followers are living in! He would not approve! Not at all!

Napalmman: Don't listen to that smug, shit-eating sack of scales. This city we're building has to go somewhere! And if it's gotta go on top of their mangled corpses, then fine by me! It's not like anyone here's gonna shed any tears for them!

Doc Robot: Master will! The undying loyalty and servitude of his worst enemies will be the greatest gift I can give him! Don't take it away from him!

Shadowman: Undying loyalty and servitude?? Why I oughta-

Needlegal: Not now!!

Napalmman: Are you kidding me?? Since when did you have a bleeding heart for these maggots?! If these losers keep getting in the way of "Master's" brand-spanking new metropolis, then they can join this shithole in oblivion!

Sparkman: Don't make us laugh, G.I.Jane. That ain't what it's about. You and your Manson Family ain't happy unless you're out conquering something! And it might as well be us, right?

Geminiman: Why else would you be so interested in rebuilding the buildings we were living in? It's not like you had an interest in any of them until we moved in!

Stoneman: To be fair, it's mostly just Napalmman who wants to turn this into an invasion.

Napalmman: What are you blabbing about, Brickback Mountain??

Stoneman: What I'm saying is, you're the only one here who's still trying to wage a war! The rest of us don't care about that anymore!! To be honest, we're sick of it!

Napalmman: Alright, I don't know who this candyass is, and what he's done with my stone-wielding powerhouse. But if he opens his trap again, I'm going to unscrew his head and shit Napalm Bombs into his guts!

Crystalgirl: Oh my word, asshat, give it a rest already! This isn't the war anymore!! We're sick of you talking to us like this! And we're sick of fighting battles we can't win!!

Napalmman: Are you saying we can't win against these retards??

Gyroman: Hell no. But what's the point? This whole conquest deal works out for us less and less each time.

Starman: There was a time when we wouldn't have turned down an opportunity to kill the Mechs. But now, it's just more hassle than it's worth.

Stoneman: Honestly, I think we did it just so that we'd have someone to fight other than ourselves for a change. If we're not fighting some other team, we're fighting each other. It's sad that this is all we know.

Gyroman: No lie.

Napalmman: Oh, don't you quit on me! I didn't train you guys to puss out whenever things get rough-

Crystalgirl: They've been getting nothing but rougher! Take a look around you! You really think we're going to bring back Elysium down here??

Stoneman: Honestly, I've wanted to say this for years now. But didn't have the guts because I was afraid you'd blow me to hell. But honestly, I'm sick of us squabbling like this. I want the kind of team they have. (Points to the Mechs) The kind who stick up for each other when things get ugly. And given our sorry state, we need that more than ever. Not a pottymouthed psychopath who chews me out if I screw up. Because if we keep doing this, I don't know how we're going to make it. Am I the only who feels this way?

(Crystalgirl reaches up and takes her brother by the hand. One by one, the Androids all gather around Stoneman. Even Chargeman, who's dimly aware that they're telling off Napalmman stands before his seething captain).

Gravityman: Maybe the Mechs are too pathetic to finish you on their own. But I know you can't handle them and us at the same time. And we hate you more than them. You still think you can win this?

(Napalmman bitterly regards his troops as they wait for him to make the next move).

Napalmman: ...We're jokes...All of us...We're all a frickin' joke!!

(Napalmman rises from his seat and angrily flips the table).

Napalmman: You think I don't know how stupid this all is?? For Elysium's sake, we blew up Berlin with our bare hands. And here I am, ordering you guys to occupy a K-Mart six miles underground like it's the high ground at Normandy! There isn't a waking hour where I don't ask myself what the hell happened to us. But if we aren't obliterating or mass-murdering anybody, what the hell are we doing?!

Stoneman: It's not about genocide or conquest anymore. It's just about survival.

Napalmman: ...Well...That's something even the high and mighty General couldn't pull off. Heh. Maybe we aren't half as pathetic as I keep thinking we are.

Crystalgirl: Were we ever?

Napalmman: Not anymore than World's Strongest. And all they got's a colorful frickin' plant.

Waveman: So what? That's it? Our days of slaughter are over and done? I kinda agree with the asshat. That sounds boring.

Napalmman: I said we were calling off the invasions, not joining the Peace Corps! We can still get our fill of mass murder and destruction when we go out for supply raids. How's that for a compromise between slaughter and survival?

Starman: Not bad, considering your limited processing power.

Napalmman: Look, Tinkerbell. You want limited processing power, talk to Chargeman. He's not coming up with any ideas.

Chargeman: Youuuuuu!! Yooouuuu ggoooottt whaaat I neeeeeedd!!

Hardman: This is all touching. Really. Can we get our base back now?

Napalmman: Sure, take your crappy apartment back. But we aren't going to make it fancy just for you.

Topman: Fine.

Gravityman: Good. We're all happy. Now, can we please get back to our game? The one you flipped over?

Napalmman: Suits me just fine. Alright Tinkerbell. You wanna show me some higher processing power? Have your bagpipe-playing warbard think of a way past that stupid seal. If you trigger that illusion spell one more time, I'm smiting your ass.

Snakeman: ...Well I guess everything turned out all right.

Needlegal: And we learned something too.

Hardman: That everyone hates Napalmman? That's nothing new.

Needlegal: No. We learned that when you have nothing, you still have your friends. No matter how far the Androids fell, they still had each other to fall back to. And you shouldn't take them for granted or treat them like trash the way Napalmman did.

Sparkman: ...I'll settle for a base that doesn't get blown up.

Shadowman: I'll settle for Crorq's fat head on a stick.

Needlegal: Let's be realistic here, guys.

(Some dark, black, foul fluid pools around Chargeman and spreads throughout the room).

Napalmman: Goddamnit, Gypsy Bitch! I thought you took Charge for his walk!

Crystalgirl: I don't have to do it every time! Why don't you do it?!

Topman: Well, until Chargeman is housebroken, we are...The Mechanical Maniacs!!

The End

Cast:

Leon as .....
Sparkman
Raijin as .....
Snakeman
Psycho Magnet as .....
Needlegal
Ben as .....
Hardman
    Nightmare as .....
Topman
Lennon as .....
Geminiman
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....
Magnetman
Gauntlet as .....
Shadowman

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