Series 9 Issue #4 - What's New is Old Part 1

It's a fine day in the Wily Underground. All is calm and peaceful as the outlaws of Monsteropolis try to make life possible while a relentless and corrupt robot Police Force tries to hunt them down...

Doc Robot: WHERE IS IT!?

Multiman: I'm looking everywhere, Doc.

Doc Robot: Not fair, not fair! We just found that old Transmetal Elecman armor! And now it's gone!

Expressman: We know, we're looking for it as fast as possible.

Quickman: Even I'm looking for it. And you know things can't go any faster when Quickman's on the job.

Expressman: Ugh, whatever.

Quickman: Oh? Disagree with something I said, Expressman?

Expressman: Just keep it professional, Quick, and find that armor.

Doc Robot: That armor would have been the perfect camouflage! We could have snuck into Dr. Light's hidden lab. Sure, he's a recluse now, but he'd open up for Elecman! After we reprogram Megaman and Roll we could sneak into RPD headquarters and install a newly made virus into their systems. That would paralyze the force, allowing us to install Wily Chips into all of them. From there we divide up into eight groups and finish off all who come to oppose us! In the meantime, still disguised as Elecman, we ...

(A short ways away, Sparkman, Hardman, and Magnetman are hiding in one of the many abandoned storefronts with the aforementioned armor lying at their feet.)

Hardman: I can still hear that little creep ranting about this.

Magnetman: He's a simple hombre, ain't he?

Hardman: Simply stupid. That chump does not deserve that armor.

Sparkman: Who knew this extra Elecman armor was still lying around? If ... when I get back home, an armor like this just might give us an edge. My current Elecman armor is so damaged it won't even boot up anymore. But this is like new! Even if it hasn't been used in a long time.

(The armor shimmers and disappears as it's installed into Sparkman's systems.)

Sparkman: There. Now, one day, Elecman will rise again.

Hardman: I gotta say, I'm jealous. I wish I had the ability to summon up the old Fireman armor.

Magnetman: That's right, you guys were on that old Sinister Six team, weren't ya? The one with Torchman and those guys?

Hardman: *snort* No.

Sparkman: We were on the same team as Fire and Elecman respectively. But Torchman and those guys stole our name.

Magnetman: You mean the guys who fought that spider guy I heard about.

Sparkman: Never heard of them.

Hardman: We're talking about the real Sinister Six - the Mega Man 1 guys! Iceman, Cutman, Bombman, Elecman, Gutsman, and Fireman!

Magnetman: Right, right, of course. (How could I get all you guys mixed up?) I keep hearing about them. What was up with your old team? Why were they such a big deal?

Hardman: Aw man, Mags ... you had to have been there. If you were there, there would have been no question. My old guys threw the best parties. Everyone was invited. Except for Super Chaos. I remember he got so bent outta shape about it that he crashed the joint and started to eat everyone at the party!

Magnetman: He ate them!?

Hardman: Oh yeah.

Sparkman: Do you remember that one guy? He always smelled like ass?

Hardman: Haw! Smells like ass gotta be the gas ... Gassman!

Magnetman: He sounds revoltin'.

Sparkman: He was!

Hardman: But not quite as revoltin' as Gary's old Eye-lephant transformation.

Sparkman: I never really saw that one. Except when Marvel's Sinister Six used disguises to have some fun with Gary during his birthday. What did that have to do with him being Iceman?

Hardman: I dunno. It never made sense to me. Being Iceman should have been enough.

Sparkman: Said the guy who was Magma Dragoon, Heatman, and Blaze Heatnix.

Hardman: Yeah, okay, point made.

Magnetman: What in tarnation? Why isn't just being Hardman or Sparkman good enough for you people? Why do you have to add all sorts of nonsense to yerselves? Why can't you be content with the fine hand you were dealt with in life?

Sparkman: It's just ... well, you had to be there.

Magnetman: But one thing I don't get is why that there armor was all by its lonesome. What happened to the rest of the Sinister Six's backup armor?

Sparkman: Oh, it's not backup armor. It was Odin's armor: he was Elecman immediately before me. I was already Elecman when I joined the team, so we put his old armor in storage.

Hardman: Hey, that's right. What was up with that?

Sparkman: I was born special, I guess. I haven't given that armor much thought until today. I guess the Wily Underground finally found our old storage space.

Hardman: That pisses me off. That's our stuff.

Sparkman: Let it go, Ben. You've been dead and I was in another dimension. Maybe there's some knickknacks you'd like to hang onto, but I think we're both past the point of caring about souvenirs. We have our memories and that's all we really need.

Hardman: Well, I guess that's true. But I can't help but think that there's stuff in there that could be dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands.

Sparkman: *snort* Like what? Edward's old porno collection? Rich's old handmade toys? Gary's mallet?

Hardman: Aw, we gotta get that mallet back!

Quint: How about a bloody time machine!?

(The three turn and Magnetman instantly has his guns pulled out, stopping himself short of shooting his time traveling "friend.")

Magnetman: Quint!? What in blue blazes are you doing here sneaking up on a man like that!?

Quint: Just another way of letting you fellows know you've let something slip by you.

Sparkman: What're you talking about? What time machine?

Hardman: Uh....

Quint: Yeah, you. You should know all about that. You were the brilliant sod who gave 'em out like candy back in the day.

Sparkman: Wait, what? We really had a time machine?

Hardman: Well, sort of.

Sparkman: Sort of!? What do you mean sort of!?

Magnetman: Wait, you forgot you have a time machine in a storage locker!?

Quint: I know!

Magnetman: And you gave out time machines like they were candy!?

Sparkman: You mean to tell me we could have gone back in time at any time!?

Quint: I know!

Hardman: Damn it, it's not like that! The Six had one and the Mechs had one. I think some other teams had some too, but we were all really tight back then. And we used it very responsibly! No going back in time to undo mistakes or engage in financial fraud (much to Shadow's chagrin), and not even to kill Hitler!

Quint: Responsibly? I've spent decades cleaning up the mess you made. Decades!

Hardman: Stop whining. They stopped working when Red and Neo collapsed the X-Force timeline. And I locked them by remote just in case!

Quint: Oh, like that stops anything. You know how long I have spent undoing the damage you'd caused?

Hardman: The time skimmer was already invented when I gave out the time machines, so it's not like the cat wasn't already out of the bag. It just allowed two way travel to 21XX. That's all!

Quint: Well, they got hacked. The last one I had to find was the one you gave your Sinister Six buddies and guess what? It's already been used. And now you are coming back to help me deal with the fallout.

Hardman: You mean ... going back to the past? Reliving my glory days? HELL YES!

Sparkman: Going back in time so there'll be two of me? Can the world really handle that much awesome?

Magnetman: All this talk about those Sinister Six fellas has piqued my curiosity. I'm in too.

Quint: Great, because we have to get going straight away. Reality's about to unravel around our ears and I want to be gone before that happens.

Sparkman: Alright, no point standing on ceremony then.

(Sparkman starts stripping out of his armor right in front Quint, Magnet, and Hard.)

Magnetman: Whoa!! Hey!! Stop! Just what do you think you're doing, pardner?!

Sparkman: What?? You know time machines don't work unless you go naked! That's how it worked for every Terminator, from Arnie to Robert Patrick to what's-her-face from the third movie.

(Before long, Sparkman is standing in front of the other mortified bots, completely naked)

Sparkman: Look, I know it sucks that there's only us guys here. If it were up to me, Needle would be making the jump with us. But sausagefest or no, rules are rules. Now come on. You're holding up the show here.

All: ...

Quint: ...I was thinking we'd just take that.

(Quint points to his booth parked directly behind Sparkman.)

Sparkman: ...Huh... That works too... Does it have a dress code...?

Hardman: Put your damn clothes back on.

Sparkman: Hang on, hang on. If we're playing with time machines, let's have some fun with them. Can we first travel back to the moment when they were shooting Denise Richards's and Neve Campbell's love scene in "Wild Things"? I've got a big surprise for both of them.

Quint: If your clothes aren't back on by the time I finish this sentence, you can just deal with a collapsing reality yourself. Are we clear?

Sparkman: You guys never let me do anything or anyone fun.

(Eventually, Sparkman puts his clothes back on and everyone joins Quint on board his craft. Before long, they're rocketing to the past.)

Magnetman: Hey, where did King and Coola go? And our former Sparkman, Razz, did he get better? Ain't they tagging along as your new traveling companions?*

(*See Series 8 - A Royal Pain Part 2)

Quint: ... I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Hardman: What, did you push them into the Time Vortex, too?

Quint: I want you to know they were brave. So very, very brave. King was so commanding. And Coola .. her frozen heart melted in the end. Razz ... oh, Razz. We were like brothers. He never lost that positive energy. It's important to me that you know that - through it all he remained himself! They were fine friends. One and all. I want you to know that. Don't you ever forget them! Oh, you'd have been proud of them. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Magnetman: You don't have to be that sorry, we met them for only a couple of hours.

Quint: Hm. Well, just between you and me the new girl still has a bit to prove.

Hard Chika: Hey!! I'm right here!

Quint: Sorry, sorry.

Magnetman: What in tarnation?! Another Hardman?

Sparkman: And it's a chick??

Hard Chika: Oh, hey guys! Long time no see!

Sparkman, Magnetman, Hardman: ...

Hard Chika: Come on! Don't act like you don't know me! I know it's been a while, and you brought your new Hardman with you. But surely you remember me!

Magnetman: ...We do...?

Hardman: Don't look at me. I got nothing.

Hard Chika: Oh come on, Sean and Titanium! Haven't you been the least bit curious where I've been ever since I left??

Hardman: ...You were on the team....?

Magnetman: Why in the Sam Hill are you calling me Titanium?

Sparkman: Well I don't know about you, Tight-y. But I'm all ears. Go on. Leave out no detail.

Hardman: Spark, put your damn clothes back on!

Hard Chika: Well at least SOMEBODY cares! Anyway, it all started when-

Quint: We're here!!

(The booth appears in the middle of an empty, derelict spaceship.)

Quint: Oh, and new guy? If I catch you dropping trow in my craft again, I'm tossing you into the Time Vortex with Coola and King!

Sparkman: Well excuse me for trying to make your under-appreciated, semi-expendable floozy feel comfortable!

Quint: ANYWAY, does anyone care to guess when we are? There's a prize in it for the person who guesses correctly.

Sparkman: ...Well, even if you took one of my eyes, I know Cybertronian engineering when I see it. We're standing smack dab in the middle of the Ark.

Hardman: So whenever we are, this must be way before we got sucked into the RPD.

Magnetman: Fellas, you should see the size of these here footprints outside! They look big enough to be one of RPD's Special Forces!

Hardman: ...But those didn't exist back then... Unless...

Sparkman: ...We're talking 'bout those snazzy Gamma Armors Bizarro Shadowman strapped everybody into. This must be shortly after he bagged the Mechs. *

(*In Series 5: The Unnamed)

Quint: Uh-oh, boys! Might want to keep your voices down. I don't think we're alone...

(Quint motions for everyone to hide in the shadow of a massive, transformer-sized console as footsteps draw closer.)

Bass: ...I can't believe you, Wily. Letting that bigshot, Mechanical Maniac wannabe strap you into a third-rate super computer and getting your brain sucked out? How do you get into these messes...?

Hardman: (Whispering) Why the hell is Bass wandering through the Mechs' empty base? He was our enemy back when we were the Sinister Six.

Magnetman: (Whispering) Hang on. It looks like he's looking for something.

Bass: Come on, where did you punks hide them? I know they're here.

(Bass keeps prowling the Ark aimlessly, not finding what he's looking for. As his back is turned, Quint reaches over the console and presses a few buttons. As soon as he does, a panel slides open, revealing...)

Hardman: (Whispering) It's our old Transmetal Sinister Six Armors!

Bass: Ah, jackpot! Now we're in business!

(Bass scoops up each of the empty armors and starts carrying them out.)

Sparkman: Hey?! What's the big idea, Quint?? You're just HANDING him our armor?!

Quint: Just go with it.

Hardman: Just go with it?! Alright, Leon. Hold that twerp back while I pound that fin-headed klepto into the Stone Age!

(But before he can, Bass gets gunned down by a barrage of fireballs, blades and oil shots)

Torchman: YOU!! How dare you steal our idea?!

Bass: What idea?! What are you guys doing here?! Shouldn't you be strapped inside a bunch of Gamma armors right now?!

Sharkman: Look dood! WE thought of going back in time so we could mess up the Mechs' base while they're captured!! Go find your own base to trash! N00B!!

Wave Woman: Yeah!! This was OUR idea! >=O

Bass: Wait, who's that? Waveman? Were you a girl under there this whole time? (I guess that explains a few things) And what's with the new look? You haven't been moonlighting for someone else, have you? Don't tell me you've done work for that Cossack ass!

Oilman: Wait, what are those things you got there??

(Bitman picks up Elecman's empty armor.)

Bitman: It looks like Elecman's Transmetal armor!

Oilman: That's exactly what it is. This is the Sinister Six's Transmetal armor!! This is where they left it after they disbanded the first time!

Blademan: Lucky!

Bass: You give that back!! I need that to rescue Wily from the clutches of those smarmy Mechs!

Oilman: Do you, now...?

Torchman: Focus, Oilman!! We've got a lot of ground to cover before the Mechs break out of Bizarro's prison! Now come on! Grab some spray paint and a crowbar and get to work!!

Oilman: I've got a better idea.

(Oilman grabs Bombman's armor and installs it into himself)

Torchman: What are you doing?! We do not take handouts from the team that stole our name!!

Oilman (Bomb): Think, Torch. If we take the Sinister Six's armor before the team can reform, then they never will! Nobody will ever question us as the real Sinister Six ever again!

Bitman: I dunno, that seems like it could muck things up.

Torchman: Hold, my compatriots. A new scheme comes to mind. Bear witness! Fate's hand has delivered unto us these armors. Who can say whether the "new" Sinister Six weren't us all along? YES! It becomes clear! We must don the raiments of the former Sinister Six. Was it not always meant to be? I recall my long lost friend bestowing upon us the name "Sinister Six" as he lay on his deathbed and yet it never came to pass. A "new" team emerged without true claim to the name. This is our opportunity! We will become the all new Mega Man 1 team as well as remaining the PC team! Go! Don our new armors! Follow in Bombman's impetuous purpose. Although he donned his new vestments without a care we have our direction now! As sailors follow the stars for guidance we now follow our true path!

Bitman: Now, that's a plan!

Sharkman: Hellz, yeah! Let's do this!

Wave Woman: That's why you're the leader, Torchie-poo. (づ。‿‿。)づ

Oilman (Bomb): Wait, what?

Bitman: Yes, good thinking, Torch! Let me see Gutsman's!!

(Bitman takes Gutsman's armor and installs it in himself.)

Bitman (Guts): Awesome!! Now I'm like, super strong now!!

Bass: Stop!! Look, I don't like the Sinister Six anymore than you do, but they're the only guys left who haven't been turned into Gammas! Or at least their armors. They could come in handy even after I use them to rescue Wily.

Blademan: Ah, fuck Wily! It's not like he can't get out of that mess without you! In fact, he will!

Bass: ... What?? Look, there's no point in you being the PC robots and Light's junk. Just stick with the one. We can increase our numbers that way!

Oilman (Bomb): Bass, oh, Bass. Everyone knows you can have at most three different forms before things get too complicated.

Hardman: (From their hiding spot) That's very true.

Sparkman: Testified.

Magnetman: *pshaw*

Sharkman: Hey!! I want Fireman's armor! Let me have him!

Blademan: Tough! I got it first! Go take Cutman's armor or something!

Sharkman: But his is stoopid!!

Sparkman: That's the last straw. I'm not letting these punks walk off with our team's legacy!

Hardman: I heard that!

(Sparkman and Hardman leap out from behind the console and wallop Blademan and Sharkman as they install Fireman's and Cutman's armors)

Sparkman: Get your grimy meat hooks off our armor! Does this look like a secondhand store to you?!

Wave Woman: Awwww! How did the Mechs find us already?? That's not fair!! D`=

Bass: The Mechs!? Those look nothing like the Mechs. They're probably that other Mega Man 3 team the ... whatzit ...

Magnetman: Gamma's Disciples.

Bass: Oh, whatever, like anyone cares.

Torchman: Bah!! It's just the two of them! Quickly, install the armor closest to you and take them down!!

(Torchman installs the Iceman armor, Wave Woman installs the Elecman armor.)

Wave Woman (Elec): I feel so powerful. (≧◡≦)

Torchman (Ice): Ah, Iceman. My old friend. How appropriate that I hold the legacy of that great man. My good friend.

Hardman: Oh, I hate you!

Bass: I don't know what your deal is, but I'm not just gonna let you do whatever you want. Not any of you!

(Bass fires his buster at the PC team who barely dodge.)

Bitman (Guts): Agh! This body sure is slow.

Wave Woman: I'll get him with my Electricity Beam! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

Sparkman: That’s Thunder Beam, you soggy sack of silicone!!

(Wave Woman shoots her beam at Bass, who dodges, but manages to hit Torch instead.)

Torchman (Ice): AGH!!

Wave Woman (Elec): Oops! Sorry. ‘︿’

Hardman: Time to kick some PC ass.

Bass: (Fires a warning shot at the Mechs and Quint) You guys just stay out of this. I don't know anything about Gamma's Disciples, but if you try to stop me I'm taking all of you down too.

Hardman: Why I oughta ...

Magnetman: Take it down a notch, Hard. This ain't our fight.

Quint: Magnet's quite right. As you well recall, Wily's supposed to get that armor.

Hardman: Well ... that's true, but did he really get it this way? I can't stand being a spectator to this crap.

Sparkman: Then you're in luck, because Bass is actually having trouble.

Hardman: Trouble? With the PC team? Anyone could take 'em with an arm tied behind their back.

(Bass leaps back as several bombs explode beneath his feet.)

Bass: You're just making this harder for yourselves!

Sharkman (Cut): (While shooting a Rolling Cutter) Blah blah, blah. Yer trash talk don't cut it, fish boy!

Bass: It's not "bass" it's "base"!

Blademan (Fire): (While hitting Bass with a Fire Storm) As in "all your base are -

Oilman (Bomb): Don't even try that one. That's old even in this era.

Bass: Stand still, you moronic - woop!

(Bass is blindsided by Wave's Thunder Beam.)

Wave Woman (Elec): I gots him with my Electricity Beam! ´ ▽ ` )ノ

Sparkman: Thunder Beam!! THUNDER BEAM!! If you're gonna steal my identity, at least learn a thing or two about it!!

Torchman (Ice): Bah, don't listen to him! Good work, Wave (just be careful of your aim).

Oilman (Bomb): Don't forget me!

(Oilman tosses explosives about, nailing Bass as he tries to dodge Rolling Cutters and boulders.)

Torchman (Ice): Ahh!

Bitman (Guts): Keep at it! He can't dodge all this crap.

Blademan (Fire): FIRE! WOOOSH! BURN!

Bass: I ... can't ... believe it!

Hardman: Neither can I.

Torchman (Ice): (Blackened by explosions) Congratulations, all! We've beaten Bass!

Sharkman (Cut): (While taking a toke) AH HAH HAH! Aw, man, I am so buzzed right now. And hungry. Can we stop at McDonalds after this? Or maybe Hardman's bar, is that place around about now?

Hardman: (While firing a Hard Knuckle) Howzabout a knuckle sandwich?

(Sharkman easily evades by tripping over his own feet.)

Sharkman (Cut): I'm so high right now.

Torchman (Ice): So, you seek to challenge us as well, Mechs?

Quint: Be aware, Sixers, that your actions will have consequences! You're mucking up with time itself. Give me that armor or - hey!

(The Six attack as Quint talks.)

Bitman (Guts): You talk too much.

Torchman (Ice): (While using an Ice Slasher to immobilize Magnetman) Indeed my compatriot! During battle one must be keen on the fight and deaf to banter. Know that your foes can strike at any time and - (Torchman dodges Spark Shocks as they fly past) - and be ready to counterattack at any time!

Sparkman: (After being hit by an Ice Slasher) I can't believe this!

Hardman: These guys can't beat us. They can't, they -

(Oilman switches back into his Oilman form and creates a cloud of smog to mask the Six's escape. Torch uses an Ice Slasher to freeze the heroes' feet to the ground and creates a slippery floor while Wave showers the team with a Thunder Beam to cover their escape. When the smog clears the Six are gone.)

Hardman: THEY BEAT US!?

Sparkman: We ain't gonna let them keep our armor, are we? That's our legacy!

Quint: It's more than that. If they keep that armor, they change time. That can have unpredictable consequences.

Hardman: Wouldn't it just divert the future into an alternate reality?

Quint: That's one possibility. Another is that Reapers come and kill everyone on the planet (and maybe the universe) to correct the temporal flow. But that's really the worst that could happen. We have to find where they teleported off to and fast before they cause major damage.

(In Monsteropolis, the team walks among wreckage and ruins.)

Blademan (Fire): What a dump!

Torchman (Ice): Indeed. It's strange, this scene calls to me. Something is familiar.

Oilman (Bomb): You mean, as opposed to those other times the city's been wrecked?

Torchman (Ice): Wait! I remember this now. Yes ... yes! This was when we were captured and forced to attack the city within those loathsome Gamma armors. Remember?

Sharkman (Cut): I'm way too high to remember anything like that. Heh heh heh.

Bitman (Guts): I get it. We take out some Gammas and all of a sudden we're heroes.

Torchman (Ice): This is it! It's finally our day!

(At that very moment Torchman is webbed by Spiderman.)

Spiderman: Your day to get hung out to dry by your friendly neighborhood Spiderman, you mean.

Sharkman (Cut): Dood!! It's Spider-Man!! Hey, give me your autograph!!

Oilman (Bomb): That's not Spider-Man.

Sharkman (Cut): How do you know?

Oilman (Bomb): Spider-Man doesn’t have six arms, you idiot.

Spiderman: One autograph, coming up, Kraven! (webs Sharkman in the face) Oops! Forgot to dot the "I" (webs Sharkman in the eyes).

Sharkman (Cut): Dood! Weaksauce!!

Torchman (Ice): YOU!!…Cities have burned for less than this insult, you coward!!

Oilman (Bomb): No they haven’t.

Torchman (Ice): Now cower before the flames of purgatory itself!!

(Torchman tries to use his Torch Arm, but releases a slew of Ice Slashers instead that only freeze and solidify his webbed prison.)

Torchman (Ice): What trickery is this?! I, the mighty Torchman should be able to burn my way from this underhanded prison!

Oilman (Bomb): ICEMAN, you don’t have any fire powers right now! Your abilities are all ICE-based ones!

Torchman (Ice): Fool! The mighty Torchman can have as many powers as he wants!!

Oilman (Bomb): You’re not hearing me, the name isn’t TORCHMAN. It’s ICEMAN. ICEMAN!! (Gets bound up in webs) What the?!

Spiderman: Should’ve kept your eyes on the ball, Hobgoblin!!

Blademan (Fire): Don't worry guys! I got this!!

(Blademan torches the webs with his Fire Storm, but ends up cooking his own teammates.)

Torchman (Ice): GAH!! Why am I taking damage from the very flames of hell I command?!

Oilman (Bomb): AGGHH!! Why did I take the armor that was weak against fire?!

Blademan (Fire): Hey!! At least you're out!!

Torchman (Ice): ENOUGH!! You have pestered my noble friend Gary long enough!! And now to avenge my fallen friend!!

Oilman (Bomb): Ugh, you ARE Gary, you imbecile! And you don’t have Torchman’s powers right now! Whoever that fool is!

(Torchman freezes Spiderman with an Ice Slasher)

Blademan (Fire): Nice!! It's my turn now!!

(Blademan torches Spidey with his Fire Storm)

Spiderman: Hey! Thanks for thawing me, Firebrand!

(Spiderman webs Blademan to the wall.)

Sharkman (Cut): WTF, Blade?? Quit bein' a effin' n00b here!!

Wave Woman (Elec): Don't be so hard on him, Shark! He's trying his best. (∩︵∩)

Oilman (Bomb): CUTMAN. ELEC CHAN. Forget about FIREMAN, get your identities straightened out, and focus on this webbed menace!!

???: Oh, I think you've got bigger problems!

(A red blur sweeps the PC S6 off their feet with a quarterstaff).

Buster Rod G: Ah, I was hoping the rumors weren't true! I’d hate to think you guys had disbanded before I had a chance to humiliate you all some more. And believe me, I have some real nice spells for you boys cooked up!

Torchman (Ice): Bah!! You think an underhanded monkey like you stands a chance against the team that stood against the unjust might of the world, against the fires of Armageddon itself??!

Buster Rod G: Let’s find out! I shall use my powers to... Turn Iceman into a chicken!! HA!


Torchman (Ice (Chicken)): What did you do to me-BA-KAAAWWKK!!

Sharkman (Cut): Dood!!

(Torchman is transformed into a grotesque mismash of himself, Iceman and a chicken)

Buster Rod G: Success! With these new spells, I shall turn the mighty Sinister Six into lowly livestock! Oh, my master is going to LOVE adding you to his ever-growing collection!

Torchman (Ice (Chicken)): The Sinister Six are pets to no BA-KAAAAAWWKKK! (Lays an egg.)

Sharkman (Cut): Dood!! This is some crazy shit!! I'm seriously tripping' ballz here!!

Buster Rod G: ... Hmmmm... A stoner, eh? That gives me an idea...


(Oilman transforms into a malformed Oilman/Bombman/Marijuana abomination.)

Oilman (Bomb (Weed)): What?? What did you do to me??

Sharkman (Cut): D00d…

(Sharkman looks at Oilman like he's the juiciest hamburger Sharkman's ever seen.)

Oilman (Bomb (Weed)): What?? NO! Stay away from me!!

Sharkman (Cut): C’mon, bro! Just one bite!

Buster Rod G: That's three out of the picture. Who should I focus on next?

(Sharkman chases after Oilman as he runs for his life.)

Sharkman (Cut): C’mon, Blade! Help me light this guy up!

Blademan (Fire): Gah! Screw you! We’ve got our hands full over here!

(Blademan, Bitman and Wave Woman keep shooting at Spiderman, but the superhero mock-up keeps nimbly swinging circles around them.)

Spiderman: Not bad! Hey, your aiming’s getting better!! Especially you, Max! (points to Wave.)

Wave Woman (Elec): Teehee? Really? Because Oilman keeps telling me I suck- v(=∩_∩=)フ

Bitman (Guts): Hey, he’s talking to me! I’m the original electric robot around here-


(As Bitman is distracted, Buster Rod G turns him into a pig.)

Bitman (Guts (Pig)): Squeee!! What’s happening to me?!

Blademan (Fire): Does being the real Sinister Six mean dealing with this shit like this on a regular basis…!?

Bitman (Guts (Pig)): That sounds like it sucks!!

Torchman (Ice (Chicken)): Do not falter!! For we ARE the real Sinister Six! We have finally found our true calling and fulfilled our destinies-BAWKBAWKBAWK!!

Oilman (Bomb (Weed)): …If our destiny was to keep making asses of ourselves, we were living that dream ages ago…

Sharkman (Cut): (Webbed up and smoking a joint) What are you talkin’ about?? We’re doing great!

Oilman (Bomb (Weed)): Give that back! That's my arm you’re eating!!

(Suddenly, the Six are knocked aside by Magnet Missiles, Hard Knuckles and Spark Shocks!)

Sparkman: Well, nobody said being the best was easy!!

(Sparkman shocks Blademan with a charged Spark Shock.)

Hardman: But if you can't handle it, we wouldn't blame you! (Wallops Sharkman.)

Wave Woman (Elec): Awwww, this isn’t fair! (✖╭╮✖)

Bitman (Guts (Pig)): Yeah, wee-eee-eak!! We don't need to deal with this shit right now!

Buster Rod G: Well, well. MORE additions for master’s collection. He’s going to be over the moon for this!

(Sparkman shocks Buster Rod G with a Spark Shock, paralyzing him. Ben knocks him into the ground.)

Sparkman: Stay out of this, Goku.

Hardman: This doesn't concern you.

Oilman (Bomb (Weed)): Hang on! We’ve still got one last in ace in the hole. Sinister Six, REUN-

(Torchman jumps on top of Oilman and starts pecking him)

Torchman (Ice (Chicken)): NO! I’M the illustrious leader! I’M the one who always wanted to say it! I’M the one who gets to say it when things stop going our way!! Sinister Six, REUNI-

(Hardman launches himself at Torchman as Sparkman cooks him with a charged Spark Shock)

Hardman: Yeah, like we’d give you a chance to try that on us!

Sparkman: You can take our bodies, but not our catchphrase, feathers!

Blademan (Fire): This is bullshit!! We don’t need this crap!! (Uninstalls Fireman’s armor.)

Torchman (Ice (Chicken)): NO! Stay strong!! This is and always has been our destiny! You’re going to walk away from it?!

Oilman (Bomb (Weed)): Torch, I’m sorry I even thought of this!! If we ditch these armors, we at least might return to normal!! (Uninstalls Bombman’s armor.)

Sharkman (Cut): Awww, this armor suxxx anyhow!! (Uninstalls Cutman’s armor.)

(One by one, the S6 abandon all of the armors and retreat.)

Torchman (Ice (Chicken)): My destiny…denied…My dreams…crushed…You…(points at the Mechs) YOU DID THIS TO ME!! BY THE FLAMES OF PURGATORY I SWEAR-

Sparkman and Hardman: SINISTER SIX REUNITE!!

(Sparkman’s electrodes flash as he releases a blinding spark wave, blinding all the remaining villains. Hardman launches himself at Buster Rod G, crushing him beneath his body. Sparkman, Magnetman, and Spiderman all dogpile on top of Torchman and pummel him within an inch of his life until he reluctantly abandons the armor.)

Sparkman: …That’s how the PROS do it, mofo.

Torchman: …This isn’t over…

Oilman: Torch, if your ass isn’t in the time machine in the next six seconds, you’re staying here!

Torchman: We failed this time, but know we will rise again.

Oilman: Torch.

Torchman: We failed this time because we tried to be something other than ourselves. In trying to be something other, something inferior we lost our way. I see that now. I was caught up in the memory of my old friends that I forgot who I am. Who we are!

Oilman: Torch!


(Bitman grabs Torch and runs as he continues to rant and rave against the Mechs.)

Sharkman: That was so ... beautiful, man.

Wave Woman: With you as our leader we can't fail. ◎[▪‿▪]◎

(Torchman grudgingly retreats with his colleagues.)

Spiderman: Ha!! Spider: 1. Sinister Six: -3. Heh. Who thought stopping those goofballs would turn into a math problem?

(Spiderman swings off into the sunset as Sparkman examines the discarded armor.)

Hardman: How's the armor look?

Sparkman: Looks just fine to me. I'm guessing whatever voodoo hex Diddy Kong put those PC chumps under, it only worked as long as they kept the armor. As soon as they uninstalled it, everything went back to normal.

Magnetman: Good. I hate to think we busted them up trying to get 'em back. We wouldn't be doin' the timeline no favors if we did that.

Hardman: Let's just get them back to the Ark without any more surprises.

Quint: You mean like this one?

(Quint appears behind the Mechs. He pulls out a tiny white device a presses a button on it. It emits a sonic frequency that immobilizes all the Mechs.)

Hardman: Augh, Quint?? You two-faced little-

Quint: I'm so sorry about this, boys. Really, I am. Don't take this the wrong way.

Magnetman: Is there a right way to take this?!

Quint: Like it or not, these things have to go a certain way.

(Bass steps out of Quint's craft.)

Quint: There you are, old boy! (Points to the S6's armor) Right where I said they’d be. Would I lie to you?

Bass: Maybe. But not this time, anyway.

Quint: Well, you make sure you give them a good home! After all, the fate of this world rests in your hands!

Bass: Then the world’s as good as saved!! After all, I'm the strongest bot there is.

Quint: Then show the world and Wily what you're made of!

(Bass takes the S6 armors and leaves.)

Sparkman: Show of hands, boys. Who's up for mangling this smug little sardine into a ball and we hightail it after Bass in his time traveling outhouse-thing?

Hardman: That's the best idea I've heard all day.

Magnetman: No complaints here!

Quint: Again, I'm sorry. I can't say that enough. But did it ever occur to you that Bass was SUPPOSED to steal those armors? As much as you'd love to keep those armors, and you'd have every right to do so, it'd cause as much damage as it would if the other Sinister Six had kept them.

Hardman: Right. Sure. You let Bass steal the armors otherwise the timeline would've blown up or something.

Quint: What is wrong with you? Them (points to Magnet and Spark) I can excuse, but you? You were there! You know how things are supposed to work out! If Wily doesn't get his hands on those armors the "new" Sinister Six never form. You don't get to be Fireman, they don't fight General Cutman when Mesmerman pulls him into this dimension -

Hardman: And Gary never dies either.


Sparkman: That's it, isn't it?

Hardman: ...

Magnetman: That guy meant a lot to you folks, didn't he?

Hardman: He really did.

Quint: But if Wily doesn't get those armors then Gary's never brought back to begin with.

Hardman: You don't know that! His consciousness was stored in that armor. Our past selves could have brought him back.

Quint: Or not. Someone could have taken control of that armor and kept Gary's consiousness from ever being discovered. No one was even looking. Do you think Gary would have come back if Torchman had kept it?

Hardman: I wouldn't have let that jerk keep his armor. No way.

Quint: And, speaking of, we have to be off. They still have their Time Skimmer, remember? We stopped them from mucking things up this time, but there's no telling what they'll do next.

Magnetman: You sure know a lot about this.

Quint: I did research before going back in time. So I wouldn't accidentally muck things up. You know, like time travelers are supposed to do? (Quint gives Hard a flat stare, Hard ignores it.)

(The team enters Quint's time machine and they find Hard Chika at the controls.)

Hard Chika: I can't believe you guys ditched me! After everything we went through!

Magnetman: Get it through yer head, we aren't who you think we are.

Hard Chika: *pouts*

Quint: Have you managed to track down the location of the Six's time skimmer?

Hard Chika: Oh, yeah. They're actually trying to leave right now.

Quint: What!? Stop them! Jam their signals and set a course. We have some delusional robots to stop.

Hardman: Why not just let them go?

Quint: Those guys? Maybe they'd just head home, but Torchman's unstable. He's already tried to rewrite time for his own purposes; allowing him to keep his time skimmer is unacceptable! It's time we catch up with them and finish the job we came here to do.

Quint and the Mechs rocket towards the Sinister Six, but can they stop them before they cause even more damage to the time stream than they tried to do already? Can they avoid meeting their past counterparts as they remain in the past? And will Spiderman be able to keep his date with Mary Jane before he stops the Six's attack!? Almost all these questions and more are answered in part 2.

To Be Continued ...

Cast (the present):

Leon as .....
Raijin as .....
Psycho Magnet as .....
Ben as .....
    Nightmare as .....
Lennon as .....
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....
Gauntlet as .....


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