Nine to Five

The Ascendant Androids and what's left of the SA are standing at the entrance to the Underground, being confronted by Doc Robot and the WRF...

Doc Robot: Why should we welcome any of you here? You're SA! You're Master's enemies!

Gyroman: That was then, this is now. The SA's dead. Chimeraman ran it into the ground. Us and what you see here is all that's left. We're not in any position to start up any trouble.

Napalmman: ...I've got enough Napalm Nukes to say otherwise...

Crystalgirl: Quit your bitching and let Gyro do the talking.

Expressman: Sorry pal, but you picked a bad time to come crawling to us. The SA, or at least some version of it just tried to kick down our door*. So forgive us if we're a little anxious about rolling out the welcome mat for MORE Scissor Army.

(*See "Trials and Tribulations")

Waveman: Well, you let the Mechs in! You hate them waaaay more than us!!

Multiman: Yeah, but we also got to drag them through the mud with a kangaroo court. I don't think that's gonna work so well with you guys. Does that sound like it's up your alley?

Napalmman: Fat fucking chance!

Doc Robot: Then get out! You're trouble! And we don't need you bringing more! The Mechs bring plenty of that on their own!

Napalmman: Is that what you think? Bet I could prove you assholes all wrong. How set are you on supplies?

Expressman: Better than you, I'm guessing. But you're not getting handouts from us.

Napalmman: I'm not asking for any. Maybe we're in no shape, but we can still launch guerilla raids on supply trains and bring them back here. When's the last time any of you had some energen?

Expressman: You mean the good stuff? Pfft. Good luck getting your hands on that. Thanks to the energy crunch, the Galactic Council watches every drop like hawks. There's no way you can get near it without going through every last RPD officer in the world.

Napalmman: The RPD? We can slaughter them in our sleep! Elysium knows how many of them we butchered takin' back Mesmer's moldy corpses*!

(*See "BoW, Pallbearers")

(Sparks shoot out of Napalm's armor as he clutches his chest in pain.)

Multiman: From the shape you're in, I'd be amazed you could take over a Toys 'R' Us.

Napalmman: Need proof? You got it! Stoneman, show 'em the goods!



Napalmman: Brickback Mountain! I'm talking to you!

(Napalmman turns to Stoneman, who's absently using his abilities to conjure a small city out of the ground.)

Stoneman: What?? Sorry, I was miles away. Did they kick us out yet?

Gravityman: Not yet.

Doc Robot: Wait a minute. What's this? (points at Stone's city) You made that?

Stoneman: Sorry, I was bored. But yeah.

Doc Robot: Amazing!

Napalmman: Yeah, yeah. He's a regular Minecraft freak. We're all proud of him. Come on, Stone! You're holding up the show!

(Stoneman creates a massive stone hand that sets down a crate filled with energen crystals right in front of Doc Robot.)

Expressman: ...There's enough in here for all of us down here...

Multiman: More if we don't share with the Mechs.

Expressman: I'd rather stiff Torch. He's getting annoying.

Doc Robot: Whatever. Can you keep doing this for Master?

Napalmman: Hey, we're willing to help you guys out. But that wrinkly old cheesedick can suck-AGGGHH!

(Crystalgirl angrily steps on Napalm's foot with sharp, crystalline heels.)

Crystalgirl: Give us a roof over our heads, and we'll build you a whole new metropolis with Master's face on it.

Doc Robot: DEAL! A metropolis with Master's face on it! I like the sound of that! Yes! Yes I do!

(Doc Robot leads the Androids into the Underground. As the Androids follow, they continue to talk amongst themselves.)

Napalmman: You see that? I told you shit piles I could get us in here.

Starman: What did you get us into? We're still fighting the RPD?? Are you trying to get us killed?

Napalmman: Don't be a wet noodle, Tinkerbell! If you can't handle a little guerilla warfare, then go join the World's Strongest!

Gyroman: Yeah, but look at us! We're in pretty sorry shape! We barely got out of the SA alive! How long can we keep this up??

Napalmman: Until we drop dead, or we run out of things to blow up. Whichever comes first.

Gravityman: Drop dead it is.

Napalmman: Belly ache all you want. It was the bargaining chip we needed. Plus, I don't know about you nancies. But I still get the urge to just reach out and shoot something. They may take our lives, but not our desire to kill!

Waveman: Testified!

Gravityman: He's got us there.

Gyroman: .......

Napalmman: We're going to show the world that we don't need the SA to burn the world down one fleshbag at a time! And these guerilla raids are going to hit them right where it hurts! We'll have Monsteropolis on its fucking knees before Chargeman can shit his diaper! Just you see, we're going to have the time of our lives!

(Present day, 8:00 AM)

(An alarm next to Napalm's bed goes off. A Napalm Bomb shoots out from under the covers and blows it to hell.)

Crystalgirl: What are you doing, Asshat? You got a raid to pull off.

(Napalmman grumbles and rolls over in the bed next to Crystalgirl, taking most of the covers.)

Crystalgirl: (takes the covers back) I know you can hear me!

Napalmman: ...Oh, give me a fucking break. Just as I was finally getting some sleep...

Crystalgirl: Get your lazy ass out of bed, already!

Napalmman: Don't start with me. I recharged for two hours last night.

Crystalgirl: And whose fault is it for not installing those subroutines that help you power down?

Napalmman: That WAS with the subroutines!

Crystalgirl: ...Oh...

Napalmman: Fuck it. This morning's not going to get any better. Let's get this day over with.

(8:30 AM)

(Napalmman sits at the table, eating his breakfast with the rest of the Androids, doodling various guns and weapons.)

Starman: Just five energen rations? Is this some kind of a joke??

Napalmman: That's all that's left after we refilled Chargeman, Tinkerbell.

Stoneman: But there're seven of us here. Two of us are going to go hungry...

Waveman: Well it's not going to be me!

Gravityman: Or me!

(Waveman snaps up the energen out of Stoneman's hand, biting it off, as Gravityman uses his Hold to shove Gyroman into the ceiling.)

Stoneman: Hey! That was mine!

Waveman: It WAS yours!

Stoneman: You selfish little creep!!

Waveman: URP! Still hungry! Need another!

(Waveman tries to snatch up a second ration, but Stoneman chops his head off with his stone axe. The two of them start beating the piss out of each other as Gyroman pulls himself out of the ceiling)

Gyroman: What's the big idea, Gravs?! You know I need to refuel for our big raid this morning!

Gravityman: (Consumes the ration) So am I. I'm coming too, you know.

Gyroman: You're going to be sitting on your ass the whole time while Napalm and I do all the work!

Gravityman: Don't worry, I'll be bringing some friends to help out.

Gyroman: They'll be sitting on their asses too!

Gravityman: Well, look at you, trying to run the family business. We all know Napalm's so proud of you. Just think, you'll be running your own squad in no time!

Gyroman: .......

Gravityman: And you'll be every bit as good at is as he is. Certainly every bit as competent, to boot. After all, it's not like you want to do anything else with your life. If there was, you would've told Napalm by now-

Gyroman: Shaddap!!

(Gyroman lays into Gravityman with his vulcan. A few of his shots pierce Gravity's armor before he can throw up his Gravity Hold. Meanwhile, Waveman and Stoneman are pointlessly strangling each other in anger, as they roll around on the floor.)

Crystalgirl: Grrrrrrr!!

(Crystalgirl whips up some crystal barriers between Waveman and Stoneman, and Gravityman and Gyroman.)

Crystalgirl: Damnit, asshat! Don't just sit on your ass! Do something!!

Napalmman: .....Ugggghhh...

(Napalmman can only sigh exasperation as he tries to ignore the squabble, as he absently draws various fictitious guns and explosions on a dirty newspaper. As he does, his mind starts drifting back to the gold old days...)

(Fifteen years ago, back at Elysium, Napalmman is angrily berating his troops after a failed mission. Chargeman is shackled in magnetic restraints that pin him to the floor)

Napalmman: Do you know what the words, ‘Cease’, ‘Desist’, and ‘Stand down’ mean you locomotive clusterfuck?!

Chargeman: Yeessss siiirrr....

Napalmman: Then why in the name of all that’s sacred did you come roaring through my factory after I ordered you to stand down?! What are you trying to do to our fine army?!

Crystalgirl: What do you want?? The dumbass can't control himself.

Napalmman: Just couldn’t control himself?! What is he, some schoolgirl that can’t keep from pissing herself?!

Gravityman: Heheh. Good one.

Napalmman: You find something hilarious about this?!

(Napalmman rolls over to Gravityman and smacks him aside)

Napalmman: Just where in Elysium’s green goodness were you?! Why in the hell didn’t you respond to my signal? You think you’re above my orders?!

Gravityman: What? I was having fun with RPD's forces. You know that.

Napalmman: You have fun with who I tell you to have fun with! This isn't a romp through the playground with Pretty Pink Panty Patty! This is a war!! And in war, you follow your captain's orders!

Gravityman: Heheh, I'm sorry, no. The imagery you're conjuring up is too much. Seriously, you should be doing stand-up.

Napalmman: ...Well if you think that’s funny, then here’s something that’s a laugh riot!

(Napalmman rolls over to Chargeman, pulls out his knife and cuts several scraps and chunks off of him. He serves each of them on a plate and serves them to the Androids.)

Napalmman: Eat up boys and girls! It's on me!!

(The Androids all incredulously look at Napalm wide-eyed with disgust. But he cocks all his guns and points them at them. Reluctantly, they all partake in their grisly meal.)

Napalmman: You like the taste of that, maggots? You like the taste of failure?! Well, if you keep fucking off and screwing up like you did in Berlin, you'll be tasting it again and again. Until you start acting like the hardasses General Cutman built you to be! Is that clear?!

Androids: .....Yes sir....

(The Androids quietly and resentfully finish their "meal". )

(Back in the present...)

Napalmman: ...Seems like the harder I try to get these cheesedicks in line, the more they want to just fuck off. Honestly, what can I do that I haven't done already?

(Napalmman watches the chaos unfold at the breakfast table as Crystalgirl tries to restore order.)

Crystalgirl: Feel free to jump in any time, asshat!!

Napalmman: ...Was there ever a moment when we ever functioned like a real goddamn unit...?

(Napalmman flashes back to the attack on the Mechs at Gavel Arms 15 years ago.)

Shadowman: Mechs, FALL BACK!! We gotta get the hell out of here, NOW!! Rai! We need cover fire! RAI!!

Snakeman: I'm-UGH! I'm a bit preoccupied, G!

Gyroman: More like waaaay out of your league there, pal!

(Gyroman bombards Snakeman with machine gun and sidewinder fire, In the building, Napalmman and the Androids are pursuing the fleeing Mechs, smashing through walls as they run to the elevators.)

Topman: Thank god the elevator's still on our floor!

Needlegal: (Gets bitten by Waveman) JUST GO!!

Waveman: DELICIOUS!!

(As the Mechs pile into the elevator, Gravityman sticks his head in the door, just as it closes.)

Gravityman: See you downstairs.

(Topman kicks him out of the way, just as Napalmman fires a Napalm Bomb at the group. It explodes against the silvery doors just as they close.)

Napalmman: Those dipshits seem to be in a hurry to get downstairs. Why don't we give them a hand!

Stoneman: Gladly!

(Stoneman smashes the elevator doors open, allowing Crystalgirl to cut the cables, and Gravityman pushes the car down with a Gravity Hold)

Gravityman: Splat.

Crystalgirl: Think they made it out?

Napalmman: Heheh, I hope so. It wouldn't be fair to him if they didn't.

(Napalmman points to Chargeman rampaging down the street.)

Crystalgirl: Oh, that reminds me. Chargeman's diagnostic is today. We're supposed to bring him in around 10:15.

Napalmman: ....What?

Crystalgirl: Oh, seriously! Did you forget already?!

(Napalmman shakes his head and finds himself back in the present as Crystalgirl glares at him.)

Napalmman: What?! Today?? You know I've got a convoy to raid! Just re-book it.

Crystalgirl: We can't! Doc Robot booked all week! I had to book it a week ago!

Napalmman: Well, I sure as shit can't make Powell reschedule his energen shipment!

Starman: Is Chargeman really worth this much effort? It's not like he contributes anything around here. If anything, he's part of the reason things keep getting worse for us. I can think of any number of things we should be putting our resources into.

Napalmman: All of them involve you, I bet.

Starman: Can you think of anyone who deserves it more? Of course not. No one can.

(Starman takes the remaining energen but Napalmman swats it away.)

Napalmman: Not going to happen!

Starman: Come now. I just need them until next Friday. We'll have double our investment when we ransom an opera star like Maria Draco. Or maybe even Celes Chere. Dare I say (takes back some energen)...Celeste Talbot...?

Napalmman: (Swats the energen back) You'd be lucky to kidnap the fat lady who sings! And rest assured, people would pay you to keep her!!

Waveman: Yeah! You'd be better off kidnapping Heaven's Night strippers!

Stoneman: (Punches Waveman) Don't ignore me!!

Crystalgirl: (Whips up another barrier) Stop it, you two!

Starman: Alright, fine. TWO energen rations until next Friday. You'll see. Then you'll see how brilliant my plan is!

Napalmman: .....You get ONE energen ration. And frankly, yeah. You're better off kidnapping a Heaven's Night stripper.

Crystalgirl: (Snatching up a ration)...I find the whole thing objectionable.

Starman: Keep talking like that, and I won't give you a cut.

Crystalgirl: ...Assuming there is a cut...

Napalmman: Whatever. I'm running late. Come on, Peter Pan and G-Pounder. That convoy isn't going to raid itself.

(9:15 AM)

(Napalmman and Gyroman are patrolling an empty street impatiently.)

Napalmman: Any sign of the convoy??

Gyroman: Not yet. But uh, thanks for letting me have your energen.

Napalmman: Don't mention it. I'd rather give it to somebody who pulls their weight around here.

Gyroman: ....Yeah. Don't mention it. Oh. Hang on. Here it comes. It's headed straight down Nathan Avenue, just like you said.

Napalmman: Alright, listen up, everyone. I'm not gonna repeat this a second time. As soon as that convoy rolls up to Vacchs Rd, Gyro's going to blast the first car. Then the rear car. And once I cut off Wiltse Road with a few Napalm Bombs, these meatsacks will have nowhere to run-

Gyroman: Uh, Captain? Sorry to interrupt. But I don't think you got everyone's attention.

(Napalmman fumes as he rolls around a street corner and finds Gravityman, Sharkman, and Blademan sitting on some stairs, smoking and singing as a boombox plays in the background.)

Gravityman, Sharkman, and Blademan: Yoooouuu!! You got what I neeeeed!

Gravityman: You say he's just a friend!

Sharkman and Blademan: You say he's just a friend!

Napalmman: Why, you lazy, mooching, good for nothing-!!

(Napalmman angrily blows up their boombox.)

Sharkman: Dood!! Not cool!!

Napalmman: What the shit is going on, here?! Is this the special mission you were on, Gravityman?!

Gravityman: Lighten up. Napalm. We're living the dream, here.

Napalmman: It's quarter after nine, and you're all high as a kite!

Sharkman: It's okay, d00d! We're just getting a little help getting over the hump.

Napalmman: Help from who?! Tone deaf rappers who can't carry a tune?!

Blademan: Government sponsored programs! We qualify for them! Might as well use them!

Napalmman: ...Are you maggots talking about welfare?!

Gravityman: Go ahead and laugh. But I'm getting more energy than I would taking part in this raid.

Napalmman: You think for two fucking seconds that Monsteropolis is gonna offer welfare to criminal fugitives living a mile underground? Or that Doc Robot's gonna set up a welfare program, just for your three lazy asses?!

Gravityman, Sharkman, and Blademan: Yoooouuu!! You got what I neeeeed!

(Gravityman, Sharkman, and Blademan go back to singing, tuning Napalmman out.)

Gyroman: (Over com) Napalm?! Can you hear me?! I can see the convoy! They're on their way!

Napalmman: Grrr! Alright, hang on Gyro! I'm on my way. Just remember what I told you!

Gyroman: Whatever you say.

(Gyroman carries out the raid as per Napalm's orders and blasts away the convoy)

Brightbabe: Gah!! Look out! It's Gyroman!

Diveman: Ugh, seriously! Why haven' we killed any of these guys, yet?!

Gyroman: Believe me, I'm tired of seeing your ugly mugs too.

Napalmman: You can chit-chat with them once they're dead! Peel each of these cars open and don't stop until you find some Zonder metals, Phazon, or whatever else Powel's playing with!

(Napalmman dives into the fray, guns blazing as Gyroman covers him.)

(9:45 AM)

(The battle is over, and Napalmman and Gyroman have retreated to a lower part of the city, looking worse for wear. They're both loading a pitiful amount of energen crystals on Sisi Truck.)

Sisi Truck: ...This doesn't look like the big score you said it'd be.

Gyroman: It would've been more if Crorq hadn't showed up and turned the tide.

Napalmman: Honestly, how did you not notice that walking tub off butter during your recon?!

Gyroman: I'm not proud of it, if that's what you're thinking! Just be glad we got what we did!

Napalmman: Uggh, too bad it's barely enough to power all the eight of us for a week! And that's if we really stretch it!

Gyroman: Go ahead and bitch, but that's usually how productive our days are.

Napalmman: ...I know. That's the sad part, really. Just get these back to the Underground, already.

Sisi Truck: Got it.

(Sisi Truck starts driving off, but Sharkman steps out, blocking the road.)

Sisi Truck: Get out of the way, you bum.

Sharkman: Wait, where's our cut, dood?

Napalmman: You maggots didn't do a damn thing! You don't get the sweat off my balls!

Gravityman: That's not fair, Napalm!

Napalmman: Either you're on welfare, unemployment, or whatever, or you're earning your keep. What's it going to be?!

Gravityman: What are you going to do? Let me starve? I thought we were working together.

(Napalmman fumes quietly for a second before grudgingly handing Gravityman a tiny amount of energen.)

Napalmman: ...Who said I'm not generous...?

Sharkman: HEY! Where's ours?!

Blademan: If he gets some, I want some, too! He put in as much work as we did!

Napalmman: ...You want to know where your cut is?

Sharkman: YEAH!

Napalmman: In the convoy that's back on its way to Powell Industries. You can still catch it, if you hurry.

Sharkman: By ourselves?! We're gonna get our asses kicked, D00D!!

Napalmman: How badly do you want it?

Gravityman: You can't treat them like that.

Napalmman: Watch me. You don't get to chime in, you waste of steel.

Gravityman: Waste of steel? What, like our aspiring search-and-rescue bot here?

(Gravityman points to Gyroman.)

Gyroman: Gravity!!

Napalmman: What the shit are you babbling about?!

Gravityman: Oh, he hasn't told you? Gyro's too good to get his hands dirty like the rest of us. He wants to settle down and help old ladies across the street!

Gyroman: Shut it, Gravity!

Napalmman: Don't give me that! Even the Stardroids don't put up with as much bullshit when Uranus has chipotle for dinner!! Everyone knows Gyro's going to be running his own squad any day now! And it's going to be one for the books! Because unlike you, he actually knows how to do an honest days murdering!


Gyroman: Cap'n...About that...

Napalmman: Oh no. You aren't serious. This bum's telling the truth?!

Gyroman: Look, it's the same thing day out! Blowing shit up just isn't as fun as it once was and you know it! Maybe a change in pace isn't so bad...

Napalmman: So you can what?! Be a flying taxi cab for some sick old thumbsucker who can't take care of himself!

Gyroman: Don't talk about being a search-and-rescue bot like that! That's not all it is! Doc Robot says I'd be good at it. And he'd be supplying all the energen I could need! Even more, if I make an honest effort looking for Wily!

Napalmman: He's dead! You know that!!

Gyroman: Yeah, but at least I'd be able to cruise the open skies without getting shot at all the time. That'd be nice for a change. I've never gotten a chance to really enjoy it! It's always scout this enemy column, or call in that airstrike! Who wants that? I mean, I don't want to end up like you!

Napalmman: ...!!!

(Steam is billowing out of Napalmman's vents as he clenches his fists in anger. Finally, with a furious roar, he unloads some Napalm Bombs all around him.)

Napalmman: ...You all need to leave...

Sharkman: But we still haven't-

(Napalmman shoots a Bomb that goes whizzing by Sharkman's head.)

Napalmman: QUICKLY.

Gyroman and Gravityman: ......

(Gyroman, Gravityman, Sharkman, and Blademan quietly take Napalmman up on his advice and leave the fuming war machine with his seething fury.)

(Over fifteen years ago, in Izhevsk....)

Gyroman: Cap'n, I could sure use your help down here in Pojima Street!

Napalmman: What's the situation?

Gyroman: Vulcan just showed up! And he's making a mess out of everything!

Napalmman: What?? He's got you on the ropes already?!

Gyroman: No! He's just really, really boring! I'm so bored, I can't even shoot straight!

Vulcan: ... my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. But even that is no excuse for you to be heartless nazis perpetuating a vicious cycle ...

(Gyroman tries to blast him with a sidewinder, but the shot goes wide and misses by a mile.)

Gyroman: See? Nothing! Gimme some help, Cap'n!

Napalmman: Sit tight, Gyro. I'm on my way. We'll nuke ass together!

Gyroman: Oh, thank God! I don't think I could take another second of this moralistic rambling!

Vulcan: ... maybe you'll win. But I'll walk away with the turnips. For I will never abandon humanity, the way you forgot to take Chargeman to his check-up a half hour ago ...

Napalmman: What??

Crystalgirl: Asshat!! Asshat, where are you?! I could hear you screaming and carrying on like a little girl a minute ago!!

(Crystalgirl's voice once again cuts Napalm's reminiscing short as he finds himself back in the real world again.)

Napalmman: WHAT?!

Crystalgirl: Oh, good, there you are. You're like a half hour late! We were supposed to bring Charge into Doc Robot's for maintenance.

Napalmman: Can this wait?! We got rabble in the ranks that I got to beat out here.

Crystalgirl: No, it can't wait! Doc Robot's a busy little bot, and he's not going to make time for us again! Not when he's working on every last bot down here!

Napalmman: Ugggh...On my way!

(10:45 AM)

(Napalmman and Crystalgirl are waiting outside Doc Robot's workshop. Napalmman is trying read a dated, tattered magazine as he squeezes into a chair that's easily three sizes too small for him.)

Crystalgirl: You threw them out?!

Napalmman: I didn't know what else to do with them. Gravity doesn't do shit and Gyro's dead to me.

Crystalgirl: You can't kick them out just because they don't want to be mass-murdering psychos like you anymore!

(Napalmman puts down the magazine.)

Napalmman: Well, it's not like I can do this on my own! We're barely getting by as it is!

Crystalgirl: Gyro could at least bring us more energen! You don't know!!

Napalmman: By sticking his head up in the clouds? Not bloody likely.

Crystalgirl: Well, he definitely won't earn anything if you've thrown him out!

Napalmman: .......

(Napalmman falls silent as he tries to go back to reading his magazine.)

Napalmman: Ugggghh...Is Doc Robot going to be ready for us anytime this year?! Our appointment was forty-five minutes ago!!

Multiman: Hey, you're not the only bots he's working on down here. He's a busy guy. Plus, Chargeman's a hard bot to sedate. And Doc's been running late ever since Bitman's appointment-

Napalmman and Crystalgirl: ...Figures.

(Another Multiman enters the lobby.)

Multiman: Actually, he's ready for you now.

Napalmman: Finally!

(Napalmman and Crystalgirl enter Doc Robot's workshop as Chargeman lays strapped and chained to the back of a large flatbed trailer.)

Napalmman: So are we finally ready to slap a new brain in this retard? Just tell Crystalgirl where to make to first incision, and we'll do all the rest.

Doc Robot: No, no! It's not that simple! We can't just plug another processor in there!

Napalmman: Why not?! Just use a RPD officer's processor! Or a spare Multiman's! This isn't rocket science! It's brain surgery!

Crystalgirl: They're not compatible, Captain. Even I know that.

Doc Robot: Assuming that's what you want to do, he'd need a total overhaul. A very big one, yes indeed! But that's the easy part! Have you thought about how you're going to keep a leash on him?

Napalmman: Honestly, if he can tell his head from his ass, I'll call it a win.

Doc Robot: But if we make him too smart, he may start asking why he should take orders from us! Or Master! That's no good!

Crystalgirl: So the General had a reason for keeping him stupid?

Napalmman: He's already out of control most of the time as it is! Just what do you have in mind?

Doc Robot: I have a few ideas! Good ones! I just need some of the Phazon and Darkling Energy you got from today's raid. You have it, right? Right?

(Napalmman buries his face into his hand and grumbles)

Doc Robot: You couldn't get it??

Napalmman: Take it up with Gravityman and Gyroman. They're the ones who botched the raid, not me.

Doc Robot: Not important! If you don't have it, I can't do anything! Now go! I'm already late for my next appointment!

Napalmman: But-

Crashman: He said get out. We're next.

(Chargeman's already being wheeled out as Napalmman and Crystalgirl get shooed out of the workshop by the Dream Team.)

Crystalgirl: ...Well, at least Doc knows what to do with Charge, right? He's in better hands than he was with General and Chimera, right?

Napalmman: .....

(Fifteen years ago, in Berlin, Napalmman is battling Gila Gladiators, plastering them with Napalm Bombs in an RPD Special Forces factory he captured...)

Torchman: Nooooo!!

Blademan: Gaaaahh!!

Napalmman: Gyahahaha!! This is pretty fucking pathetic! Don't think I'll put up with this long! You're blowing up my factory!


Napalmman: What??

Chargeman: RRRGGHHH!!!

(Chargeman runs through the factory, trying to trample the Gladiators, but ends up destroying most of the factory.)

Napalmman: What?! No!! Goddamnit! Now there's nothing worth having in this stinking town!

(Napalmman fires one Napalm Nuke after another, laying waste to Berlin in a fit of rage. Later, in Johannesburg, Napalmman is confronting the Tech Tyrants in a soccer field converted into an SA entrenchment with a battalion of SA Joes.)

Napalmman: Ha!! We're going to bury every last one of you out here!

(Chargeman squashes the SA Joes as he runs through.)


Gyroman: Ah, crap! He's heading for the plutonium manufacturing plant!

Chargeman: YAAAHHHH!!!

(Chargeman starts trampling the facility, too everyone's horror.)

Napalmman: Ah hell! He's gonna blow the whole place up!

Gravityman: Don't worry. I got it under control.

(Gravityman starts hurling plutonium at Chargeman with his Gravity Hold.)

Napalmman: What the hell are you doing, you mentally castrated pile of Centaurman shit?!

Gravityman: Fuck you, Napalm! You don't tell me what to do!

Napalmman: Grrrrrrr!!!

(Later, in Kuwait City, Chargeman is chasing after Deep Impact as he runs away from an oil field he was supposed to trample.)

Gyroman: Whose turn is it to say it this time?

Stoneman: I'll do it. OH NO! CHARGEMAN IS-

Waveman: Shaddap!! I want to do it! OH NO!! CHARGEMAN IS OUT OF CONTROL!! AGAIN!!

Stoneman: You did it the last time!

Waveman: Did not!!

Stoneman: Did too!

Napalmman: Alright, enough's enough! If nobody's going to put an end to this shit, I will!

(Napalmman shoots Chargeman in the face. Roaring in pain, Chargeman stumbles into a quicksand pit and gets stuck)

Chargeman: AAAGGHHH!!

Stoneman: Hurray!! Napalmman put that freak out of his misery!

Gyroman: Keep being awesome, Cap!

Crystalgirl: I'll have to show you my gratitude later... Actually, no. It can't wait. I want everyone here to know how I feel about you! ...But first, we need to do something about Waveman.

Napalmman: ...We do...?

Crystalgirl: Oh for the love of-Asshat! Wake up!

(Napalmman finds himself back in the real world as a giant crystal hand bitchslaps him.)

Napalmman: Huh-What?? Augh, just as it was getting good. What is it now?

Crystalgirl: I just got a call from Quickman. He wants to talk to us about Waveman.

Napalmman: Oh boy. I bet I know what it's about.

(12:00 PM)

(Napalmman and Crystalgirl are meeting Quickman at the Dream Team's hideout.)

Napalmman: What the hell were you doing fighting the other Wily Bots?!

Waveman: It's not my fault!! They started it!

Wave Woman: Did not!! 〴⋋_⋌〵

Waveman (PC): Yeah!

Napalmman: Let me guess, you told them you were the real Waveman, and that they're the fakes, right!

Bubbleman: This has been going on ever since you guys moved down here. He's even taken a few shots at me, just because I'm a water robot master, too!

Waveman: Ah, why don't you blow some fart bubbles, you tool!

Bubbleman: Why you-!!

(Bubbleman and Waveman start beating each other up, as Quickman and Crystalgirl pull them apart.)

Quickman: ...Is he always like this?

Napalmman: You have no idea.

Crystalgirl: Well, you don't exactly help much.

Napalmman: What do you want me to do? He just keeps getting crazier and crazier!

Quickman: Well, you better do something. I can have him kicked out, if he keeps this up.

Crystalgirl: ...Napalm, maybe it's time he starts seeing Doc Robot.

Waveman: What?? Like Chargeman?? That's weak!!

Crystalgirl: Maybe there's a program or subroutine he can do to get him more under control.

Napalmman: Oh, come on. He's just going to ask for more materials that we don't have, assuming he even makes the time for us. Let's just keep him at home. You can train him, can't you?

Crystalgirl: You expect me to whip him in shape by myself AND keep up the base?? And while you're CONVENIENTLY out all day too, no less?!

Napalmman: What else can we do? At very least, when he picks a fight with you, you'll kick his ass! That's progress, isn't it?!

Crystalgirl: ....!!

Waveman: ..Like hell she'd kick MY ass...

Wave Woman: ...Torchy could kick yours! (◣_◢)

Waveman: He knows where to find me! ╭∩╮(︶︿︶)╭∩╮

(Wave Woman and Waveman start fighting like cats, as Crystalgirl tries prying them apart.)

Quickman: Aren't you going to do something about this?

(Napalmman doesn't answer. He's already back in Berlin, 15 years ago. The Gila Gladiators have taken refuge in the sewers in order to get away from Napalmman and Chargeman.)

Torchman: Damn, how much longer can we hold out?

Blademan: I don't know, but we're not even halfway out of the city yet.

Voltman: I don't think I can take this game of cat and mouse any longer.

Waveman: KYAAHAHA!! That's okay! I know plenty of other fun games, too! How about tag?

(Waveman transforms himself into a watery gator that rushes forth and bites off Wavegirl's legs!)

Waveman: You're it!

Wavegirl: GAAHH!!

Sonicgirl: Leave her alone!!

(Sonicgirl counters with a barrage of sonic waves, but Waveman simply bites her head off.)

Bitgirl: NO!

Torchman: And now he's biting me in half! We should've known better than to fuck with the Scissor Army's resident badasses!

Voltman: I know! It's hopeless! The only thing more badass than this hardcore motherfucker is the captain who trained him!

Waveman: Wow! Even though we're on opposite sides, we know Napalmman's not to be fucked with! But neither am I!

(Waveman yanks them all apart like rag dolls and starts playing with their mutilated bodies.)


Bitgirl: But why did you spare me? Gasp! Is it so you can take me to be Napalmman's personal wench?? Oh, how my loins quiver in anticipation!

Crystalgirl: Wrong. You're MY personal wench. The Captain would love to watch us!

Bitgirl: Ooh, naughty!

Crystalgirl: That's right! Won't Napalm be surprised when he gets back from his raid!

(Napalmman shakes his head and brings himself back to reality.)

Napalmman: Oh, crap! That's right! I've got another one coming up in fifteen minutes! I'm going to be late! Come on, Wave! Get off your ass and fall in!

Waveman: Awwwww, do I have to??

(1:15 PM)

(Napalmman is coordinating another raid with Gravityman and Waveman just outside of Monsteropolis.)

Gravityman: ...Are you sure you want to do this without Gyroman?

Waveman: Yeah, without him to scout out the convoy, you're going in blind.

Napalmman: That's why you two are filling in!

Gravityman: Oh, I don't have the knack that Gyro has for it.

Napalmman: No, you don't. But you're all I got. So get to it!

Gravityman: ...Well, since you asked so nicely. We'll do our best.

(1:30 PM)

(Napalmman paces back and forth, steam billowing out of his vents as he waits for his scouts to come back.)

Napalmman: Damnit, they should've been back by now. Where the hell are they?!

(Napalmman rounds a corner and finds Waveman and Gravityman with...)

Sharkman: Yooouuu....!

Waveman and Gravityman: You got what I neeeeed!!

(Napalmman angrily blows up Sharkman's boombox.)

Sharkman: D000D!! What's your problem!!

Napalmman: This isn't some karaoke club for stoned slobs, cheesedicks! You better have some juicy intel on my convoy, or I will rip out your spine and beat you with it!

Gravityman: If we see it, you'll be the first to know. Honest.

Blademan: Actually, it went that way, ten minutes ago!

Napalmman: Fuck!! We missed it?! You stupid, worthless-! UGH!!

(Napalmman races off in the direction Blademan pointed in. The others make no effort to even lift a finger.)

(1:45 PM)

Napalmman: (Over the comm) Come on, you lazy retards! Which way did it go?! We should've caught it by now!

Gravityman: (Over comm) Actually, we were wrong. It passed by just after you left..

Napalmman: And you let it waltz on by?!

Gravityman: Well, do you want us to scout for the truck, or do you want us to take it down? Make up your mind!

Napalmman: Fuck this!! I'll do this myself!!

(2:00 PM)

(Napalmman has caught up with the convoy truck and is fighting off a squad of RPD officers.)

RPD Officer: Attacking us solo? Not smart, "Captain".

Napalmman: The SA only calls for back up if it needs it, cheesedick!

RPD Officer: ...Assuming they're not too busy getting stoned and singing off-key rap.

(The officer points to the other Androids and Sinister Six, passing around and taking drinks out of a bottle in a paper bag.)

Gravityman: ...You got what I neeeeedd...!

Napalmman: Uggghhh....

(Napalmman eventually slaughters the RPD Officers and makes off with the energen shipment.)

(2:45 PM)

(Napalmman is raiding another energen shipment. He's not even bothering to aim, as he halfassedly flings them about like candy.)

RPD Swat Officer: Hold your ground! Don't let him get a single E-tank!

Napalmman: (Blasts the officer aside) Yeah, yeah. Keep coming. That worked out real well for the last umpteen officers I blew to hell.

Gravityman: Can you keep it down? We can't hear the radio with all this noise.

Napalmman: ...If I turn those bums in, is there a reward?

(Napalmman slogs through the squad and eventually secures as many tanks as he can.)

(3:30 PM)

Waveman: When do we get paid?

Napalmman: (Gets hit by a Plug Ball) When we get the goods, dumbass! And yes, THAT MEANS YOU!

Tornadoman: Keep it up, guys! We're wearing him down!

Napalmman: Yeah, yeah. KIll now, for something, or something another. You get the fucking idea.

(Napalmman just wearily rolls forward, scattering Napalm Bombs in random directions.)

Plugman: What are you aiming at? There's nobody over there!

Napalmman: You sure? I'm surrounded by so many assholes, there's got to be somebody over there I want to shoot.

Concreteman: ...Maybe that alley cat that's hiding behind those trashcans.

Napalmman: Good enough.

(Napalmman lazily blasts Concreteman aside and grabs a crate, ignoring the remaining seven other Sentinels attacking him.)

Splashwoman: Stop! You're not getting away that easily!

Napalmman: (Shoves Splashwoman aside.) ...Some other time, Water Wench.

Splashwoman: Splashwoman!

Napalmman: Whatever.

Gravityman: What, no crude comment on how you'd like to ambush her?

Napalmman: Ugh, if I have to. Wow, I can't wait to hook you out of the water, so you can lay eggs on my treads. Or however half-fish girls get their rocks off. I don't know. Let's just go.

(4:00 PM)

(A beat-up looking Napalmman staggers back to the Underground, dragging another crate of energen. Gravityman, Waveman, Sharkman, and Blademan follow closely behind, not doing much of anything.)

Blademan: Still waiting for our cut, FYI!

Napalmman: ...I know you are...

Sharkman: D000D! We're still waiting for our cut from the last job! Did you forget?

Napalmman: ...Forget my ass...

Blademan: C'mon! Stop being so greedy! Cough it up!

Napalmman: No, because I need these to fuel my team! And even then, it's only going to last a day or two! If we skimp! You want your cut?! Then I'll tell you what, tell Torchman to get off his fat, worthless ass and do some of these raids himself, cheesedick!!

Torchman: Are you threatening my loyal, hard-working brethren?!

(Torchman and the remainder of the Sinister Six surround Napalmman, arms folded.)

Napalmman: What do you want?!

Torchman: Sharkman and Blademan told me you haven't been paying them!

Napalmman: They get what they put in. Which has been a fat load of nothing.

Torchman: My brothers practically carried the battle for you! Had they not been there, all would have been lost! All would've been for naught-

Napalmman: I don't give a good Splashwoman's tit what sob story they told you! They didn't do jackshit! So they get jackshit! End of story!!

Torchman: It was my understanding they contributed as much as Gravityman, did they not?

Napalmman: Well, you're not wrong.

Torchman: AHA! A pure case of nepotism if I ever saw one! While my brethren, my only friends and family work their fingers to the bone, you deny them the sweat off their brow just so you can-

Napalmman: Everyone knows you're full of shit! Doc Robot's not going to believe that for one goddamn second.

Oilman: ...Is he? Everyone knows you have no respect for the rest of us. We could tell him you're making trouble for us, and you'd be out on your asses like that.

Napalmman: .......

(As Napalmman fumes silently, The Sinister Six pick off most of the E-Tanks.)

Torchman: Thank you for sharing with us the spoils of victory!

Napalmman: It wasn't your victory!

Torchman: Irrelevant!!

Gravityman: That reminds me, here's my cut. (Snatches up several tanks.)

Waveman: And here's mine! (Snatches up even more.)

Gravityman: See you back at the house.

(Gravityman and Waveman stroll off, leaving Napalmman with less than a dozen tanks. Suddenly, Expressman rushes in and sneers at Napalm's meager payload.)

Expressman: Whoa, is this all you got? Geez, Sisi wasn't kidding when he said you had diddly squat. What, have you been sitting on your ass listening to Bizzmark all day?

Napalmman: I had-

Expressman: Don't talk to me, man. Save it for Doc. He's the one who's gonna rip you a new one.

(Expressman races off with the remaining energen. One of the E-Tanks falls off the stack as Expressman takes off with it. Napalmman picks it up, looks down on it and sighs.)

(4:30 PM)

Napalmman: Alright, Stoneman. You better have put that energen to good use down here!

Stoneman: I sure have! You should see some of the ideas Doc Robot and I were talking about! A casino, an expo, a laser tag arena-

Napalmman: Yeah, yeah. Just tell me you did something good.

Stoneman: ...Well, we set up some new factories on Nathan Avenue. Koontz Street's got whole new armories and energen stockpiles set up. I even got a techno club set up on Levin Street.




Stoneman: Something wrong? You've gone awfully quiet. Did you drift off again?

Napalmman: No, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, Chargeman went out of control and demolished half the buildings. Or you couldn't read the map for shit and built the wrong installations.

Stoneman: ....No? Why would you think that?

Napalmman: Holy shit. Then you're...You're actually making progress?

Stoneman: Uhhh, yeah?

(Napalmman's voice starts getting choky as a tear rolls down his cheek.)

Napalmman: I...I-I don't believe this! Somebody on our team actually got shit done today! Progress!! Honest to God progress!! I don't know what to say! You have no idea how much this means-

Topman: There they are!

Hardman: Get 'em!!

(Suddenly, the Mechanical Maniacs come out of nowhere, shooting at Napalmman and Stoneman.)

Napalmman: Oh, for the love of-WHAT IS IT NOW?!!

Shadowman: I should've known you were going to screw us all along! You thought you were going to get away with it?!

Napalmman: Get away with what?! What the fuck am I missing here??

Needlegal: You demolished our base again, you jackasses!!

Napalmman: Jesus H Christ! I told you before; if Chargetard tramples your base again, you have my permission to put his ass down!! Don't take it out on us!

Snakeman: It wasn't Chargeman this time! It was Stoneman!

Napalmman: What??

Geminiman: Yeah, we went out to check out some new haunted house that opened up down the street and when we came back, our home got ripped up to make room for a techno.

(Napalmman glares at Stoneman, as Stoneman hangs his head in shame.)

Stoneman: ...I thought you guys lived on East 54th Street...

Magnetman: ...That's the Sinister Six you're thinking of, pard.

Shadowman: He got our base mixed up with theirs?! Now's he DEFINITELY has to die!!

Stoneman: Easy, easy! I'll go fix it right now!

Sparkman: We would've been okay if you had built a Heaven's Night on top of our house! But, no! You had your chance! Show them no mercy!!

(The Mechanical Maniacs resume their attack on Stoneman and Napalmman. Napalmman just throws his arms up and walks away.)

Napalmman: You know what?! It's your turn to deal with them! I'm out of here!!

(Suddenly, Chargeman runs through and tramples through the buildings Stoneman just constructed.)



Napalmman: ...I need a drink...

(5:30 PM)

(Napalmman is in a bar, surrounded by empty bottles of booze, his head resting on the bar.)

Walkman: ...You look like you've had a hard day there, pal.

Napalmman: ...You'd think. But this is the best day I've had this week.

Walkman: What, working all day? Having little to show for it? Fighting with your team members? Kicking some of your team members out? And having Chargeman wreck what you worked so hard to make?

Napalmman: ...Just another day at the office...

(Walkman looks down at Napalmman in pity and gives him another bottle.)

Walkman: ...On the house.

(As Napalmman downs the beer, the Sinister Six loudly enters the bar.)

Torchman: Barkeep!! Pour me and my dear compatriots a round! It's been a triumphant day for us all!

Walkman: I told you before Torch, your credit here's no good.

Torchman: Of course it is! Thanks to the noble efforts of my team, the Wily Underground is no longer crippled with hunger and need! For we have gone toe-to-toe with the RPD, Cossack's Comrades, and Sterling Sentinels, and taken what is rightfully ours!

Napalmman: ...He's not...He's really not...

Torchman: For our prosperity was made possible by our intrepid raids against the fascist forces of Crorq and Kalinka Cossack! Every blow we struck against them pumps more energen lifeblood through this city's veins as we rebuild it brick by brick!

Napalmman: ...He is.

Torchman: And while the Ascendant Androids languish and cower in the sidelines, we carry the weight of this city on our shoulders! Carrying on where Napalmman and his slobs fail, as they rely on others to carry their load! If not for our noble generosity, they surely would have rusted by now.

Napalmman: Alright, that's it.

(Napalmman slams his drink down and jumps off his stool. He then rolls over to Torchman and throws him to the ground.)

Napalmman: Alright, you blowfart. I've had to put up with enough shit for one day without having to listen to you yammer on. Find another bar that's willing to put up with your shit. We're all stocked up here!

Torchman: First you extort my brethren out of their hard-earned pay. And now you threaten-

(Napalmman slams Torchman with the butt of his cannon, knocking him into a table. Before Torchman can get up, Napalmman grabs him and throws him out the door.)

Napalmman: And that's how we kicked your ass in Berlin, asswipe!!

(Sharkman throws a Shark Boomerang at Napalmman, but even with all the abuse he's taken, it does little more than skip off his thick armor.)

Bitman: Hey! Nobody treats Torch like that!

Sharkman: Yeah!

(Napalmman cocks all his cannons and points them at the Sinister Six.)

Napalmman: I'll make this easy for you, cheesedicks. I'm drunk. I'm pissed off. And I've got more guns than you got teammates. Do the math.

Bitman: Oh yeah. We're shaking in our boots, alright.

(Bitman points his Cannon at Napalmman, but Oilman pulls them back.)

Bitman: What the hell, Oil?! This guy's calling us out!

Oilman: Bit, I'm not in the mood for a brawl right now. And frankly, we can find a nicer bar than this. One where Torch hasn't used up all his credit, and one that doesn't have a disgruntled tank that can nuke our base even if we beat him. Let's just go.

(Oilman leads the Sinister Six out of the bar, dragging Torchman with them as he screams threats at Napalmman.)

Walkman: Hey, thanks for taking care of those guys. I don't mind them individually. But together, and with Torch, they're a pain in the ass.

Napalmman: ...I've seen worse.

Walkman: Is that so? Tell you what, it'd be handy to have somebody like you keeping riffraff like Torch out. What do you think? You interested?

Napalmman: That's great. But I got enough on my plate as it is.

Walkman: What, you mean fighting for scraps of energen so you can support this whole Underground? It's a little unfair for everyone to put it all on you, isn't it?

Napalmman: ........

Walkman: Admit it. Kicking Torch out was the most fun you had in years. This job will help you unwind if nothing else. I'll even make you the co-owner of the place. Come on. How much sweeter can this get?

(Walkman holds his hand out to Napalmman as he silently ponders Walkman's offer.)

(8:00 PM)

(Back at the Androids' home...)

Gravityman: So. I take it your day went well.

Starman: (Badly bruised, and missing an arm) As it turns out, I wasn't the first person to try and kidnap Celeste Talbot. It's happened so often, she learned how to take care of herself.

Gyroman: Was that CQC she used on you? Whatever it was, shooting you in the face with your own cannon was a nice touch.

Gravityman: I'm just amused that you spent your first day as search-rescue bailing one of us out. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Starman: I could've extracted myself! But unfortunately, I'll have to take a larger share of the energen until I can get back on my feet again. But don't worry. I'll have it back by Friday, I'm certain.

Waveman: (Smacks Starman) Nobody cares! Now shut up!! I'm trying to watch TV!

Gravityman: Give me the controller! I'm sick of watching Shark Tank!

Waveman: Fuck you! All you want is to watch Law and Order again and again! That show's boring!!

Stoneman: Come on! Crystal said I could play Dark Souls a half hour ago! When's it going to be my turn to use the TV?

Gravityman: Dark Souls?? That game's for losers who've got nothing better to do than get their asses kicked for hours on end!

Stoneman: You take that back!

(Suddenly, the lights in the base all go pitch black, rendering their squabbling moot.)

Waveman: HEY!! What's the big idea?

(Flashman knocks on the door and enters the base.)

Flashman: Hey, just as a head's up, Doc Robot wanted me tell you guys that we're running a little tight on juice right now. Don't have enough to power everyone's bases right now. So we're gonna have to take turns using it.

Waveman: Rolling blackouts?? That's weak!

Flashman: Take it up with your leader. This wouldn't happen if he came back with more energen today. Our team's been sitting in the dark for the past six hours. If we can do it, so can you.

Gyroman: Hey! Say whatever you want about the asshat. But he busted his ass getting that energen!

Flashman: Whatever. I'd argue with you. But we've got six hours to enjoy the modern convenience of not having to heat a pizza on the hood of a running car. And I'm not going to waste them on you.

(Flashman warps out.)

Waveman: This is your fault, you jerk! You were sitting on your ass all day!

Gravityman: So were you!

Stoneman: You both were!

Gravityman and Waveman: Nobody asked you!!

(Stoneman, Waveman, and Gravityman start slugging it out again. Crystalgirl conjures up some crystalline barriers in front of each of them, trying to hold them back.)

Crystalgirl: Grrrrrr!! Where is that lazy asshat?! He was supposed to be home three hours ago!

(Napalmman stumbles through the door, holding a beer in each hand, barely able to stand up straight.)

Napalmman: Twwwooo hundred degreeees, that's why they call me Mistah Fairunhiiiittte!! I'm travellin' aaatttt the speeeeed of liiiigghhtt!

Crystalgirl: Oh, great. You're drunk. What a shocker.

(Napalmman falls on top of Crystalgirl, smelling like cheap vodka and stale nacho dip.)

Napalmman: Crystal?? Ah, thank god it's ya! The last couple houses I came out of were VERY rude! Hey, what happened to the power?

Crystalgirl: (Shoves Napalmman off of her.) Alright. We need to talk. NOW.

(Crystalgirl marches into her and Napalm's room, dragging him with her and slams the door behind her.)

Napalmman: Ahhh, why are ya so mad, babe?? I got the solushin ta all our problems?

Crystalgirl: What? Did you find a way to convert rust into fuel? Because that's all most of us had for dinner!

Napalmman: Even better! I'm the partial owner of a bar that jus' opened up! Isn't that awesome??

Crystalgirl: How the hell is that going to sustain us? Does it even pay anything??

Napalmman: Doesn't have to! It pays fer itself! Booze is on the house for alla us!

Crystalgirl: Damnit, asshat!! You know your raids are what keep this team going! You can't quit on that now! It was your idea!

Napalmman: Ah, who are we kidding? We'd be lucky if we make it to the end of the week!

(Napalmman sits on the bed, facing the floor.)

Napalmman: Fuck, how'd we get into this mess?! Wave and Charge are getting worse everyday! We can't count on Star, Stone, and Gravity for anything! Gyro's too good to help us. And you're stuck in a shithole that doesn't have power 24/7! How the hell am I going to keep us going, when all we're doing is slowly bleeding to death!

Crystalgirl: ...Don't tell me you still miss your days with the SA. Is that what you're thinking about whenever you drift off?

Napalmman: You can't tell me you don't mess those good old days. We were unstoppable then. But ever since the SA fell, things just kept going from bad to worse.

Crystalgirl: What good old days? General Cutman used us. We didn't get to keep any of our conquests. I have no clue which Scissor Army you keep flashing back to when you space out. But trust me, it wasn't as glorious as the one you're remembering.

(Napalmman sits up as he flashes back to his battles from Berlin, to Kuwait, to Cossack's Citadel.)

Napalmman: Now that you mention it...What the hell did we accomplish in the War?? What difference did blowing up oilfields, factories, or plutonium plants make?? Even killing Cossack turned out to be a sham!

Crystalgirl: It sounds depressing, yeah. Until you realize that we can move onto better things. Hell, didn't Sparkman tell you what happened to the SA in the alternate universe? They wiped each other out!

Napalmman: So in other words, we're the last surviving members of the SA not just in the world, but the whole fucking multiverse? Holy dog shit...We really are the best!

Crystalgirl: Exactly! Who cares if Gravity's a lazy bum? Or if Waveman's a spaz. Or if Chargeman's....Chargeman. We're the best of the Scissor Army! We can be as fucked up as we want!! Because as ugly as things are right now...

(Crystalgirl pushes aside a dresser, revealing a stash of energen tucked inside of a hole in the wall.)

Crystalgirl: ...We've seen worse.

(Napalmman picks up one of the E-Tanks, awestruck.)

Napalmman: I-I...I don't believe-Where did you-

Crystalgirl: You think I'm going to sit on my ass and let you do all the hard work? We're all pitching in here. It's not all on you to keep us going. If we relied on only you, we'd have starved eons ago.

Napalmman: (Downs the tank.) ...You have no idea how much of a relief this is. You know what this means?

Crystalgirl: That you're not going to doze off anymore in the middle of the day, I hope. Since you don't get any sleep, and you keep giving your rations away, I'm amazed you're even standing.

Napalmman: Actually, I was thinking that if you're scoring all the energen, I'll get more time to run the bar! But yeah, that too, I guess.

Crystalgirl: ....!! You stupid asshat!!

(Napalmman and Crystalgirl start slugging it out. Viciously. Waveman, Gravityman, Stoneman, and Gyroman all lean in close to the door so they can listen.)

Stoneman: ...Boy, they sound pissed at each other.

Gyroman: Nah, they're not pissed at each other. Not anymore, anyway.

Stoneman: ...I don't follow.

Gyroman: ...I'll explain it to you when you're older.

(Eventually, Napalmman exits the room, looking roughed up but unphased. Spotting Gyroman, he hands him an E-Tank.)

Gyroman: Where'd you-

Napalmman: Found this earlier this afternoon. Put it to good use. Whatever you do, I know you're gonna make the most of it.

Crystalgirl: Don't you even try to run from me!!

Napalmman: I wasn't running, gypsy bitch!

(Napalmman shuts the door as he and Crystalgirl get back to doing what they do best. Elsewhere...)

Snakeman: ...Well, everything turned out okay.

Needlegal: And we learned something too.

Topman: That psycholinguistics helps Shadowman drive flying cars?

Needlegal: Ah, beat me to it. But yep. That's it.

Snakeman: I still have absolutely no idea how that worked.

Shadowman: But it did. We were all in the car together. Don't know how Spark first came up with the idea. But it saved the day.

Sparkman: What the hell are you talking about? It was YOUR idea!

Shadowman: That's not how I remember it.

Sparkman: I don't even KNOW what the hell psycholinguistics is! How can I take credit for something I never knew existed?

Magnetman: Don't matter who came up with the idea of flying psycholinguistic cars. I still won the drag race.

Shadowman: ...We were drag racing the whole time...?

Magnetman: Yepper.

Snakeman: I'm totally lost.

Hardman: Let's be honest, we all are.

Topman: Well, until psycholinguistics is taught in drivers ed, we are...THE MECHANICAL MANIACS!

The End


Leon as .....
Raijin as .....
Psycho Magnet as .....
Ben as .....
    Nightmare as .....
Lennon as .....
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....
Gauntlet as .....


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