Series 9 Issue #34 - Hardware Upgrades

(Late at night the nefarious Mechanical Maniac members Snakeman and Shadowman are up to no good breaking into a certain master scientist's laboratory...)

Snakeman: I can't believe we've sunk this low.

Shadowman: Well believe it.

Snakeman: We used to be cops. Heroes even! We used to stand for something!

(Shadowman comments while picking at a lock next to an open panel with a lot of wires torn out. Some are connected to Snakeman who had, obviously, done a bit of hacking before this time.)

Shadowman: I used to stand for stealing cars and DVDs from my friends. This is juat a return to form.

Snakeman: I don't think we broke into our former friend's homes then.

(There's a click in the lock and a panel slides away smoothly.)

Shadowman: And there goes the physical security. You're all set.

(With a sigh, Snakeman sends his snakes into the panel as the ninja readies their escape.)

Snakeman: But we were friends with Doctor Light! He made us the armor we're wearing now. Topman helped save him from a mental breakdown.*

(*Business of War)

Shadowman: Yes, the mighty have fallen, I know. Let's just see what goodies we can grab before we're spotted.

(The two wait a few minutes.)

Snakeman: I don't like the path we're on here, Shadow. I get that we have to do what we need to survive, but we can't just keep excusing our bad behavior. What kind of people will we wind up as if - oh - HEY! I got something!

Shadowman: Sweet!

Snakeman: Uh ... uh oh.

Shadowman: Uh oh?

Snakeman: I think I missed -

(The lights come on just as Snakeman's snakes come out of the open panel dragging some boxes along with them. Snakeman hurriedly picks them up as a familiar form scrambles out of the dwelling.)

Roll: HEY!!! YOU!!!!!

Snakeman: Uh oh!

Roll: STOP!! THIEF!!!

Shadowman: Later!

(Shadowman uses a smoke pellet as Roll chases after them.)

Roll: That won't stop me! (Roll twirls her broom impressively as the two robot masters start backing away.)

Auto: (bounding out of the lab) I'll help, Roll! BEWEARE MY POWER, BURGLERS!

Roll: Auto - NO!

(Auto fires a giant bazooka at the fleeing Mechs and hits Roll instead, sending her flying.)

Roll: AHHHH!!!

Auto: Miss Roll!

(Shadowman looks back as they make good on their escape.)

Shadowman: Maybe we should've kidnapped her and forced some gadgets out of Dr. Light. I mean there are still eight of us. We can divide and conquer. Take over eight areas and -

Snakeman: Oh we are definitely better than that! Let's just get home and think of some sort of lie to tell Mags.

(Later, at Doc Robot's lab....)

Magnetman: Some upgrades you've uncovered, eh?

Doc Robot: That's right!

Magnetman: Hard pass.

Doc Robot: HEY!

Magnetman: I don't think I trust this putz here to upgrade my systems. No offence.

Doc Robot: None taken.

Sparkman: He's come through on our repairs all this time.

Magnetman: I chalk that up to luck. I mean ... you want Mr. Wily's fanboy here to tinker around our bodies!? I mean no offence.

Doc Robot: None taken.

Geminiman: Look, I know this doofus - no offence -

Doc Robot: None taken.

Geminiman: - has tried to kill us time and time again and seems to barely have any interest in running the Wily Underground and, no offence -

Doc Robot: Okay, you people can just leave if you don't like it so much! Just go above ground and rot!

Geminiman: Okay, okay! We're sorry.

Geminiman: Sorry.

Magnetman: Sorry.

Sparkman: Yeah, sorry (geez).

Shadowman: Mags, this is our chance to take the fight to the Galactic Council. Aren't you tired of just reacting to them?

Needlegal: Shadow's got a point there.

Shadowman: There's some great stuff here! I mean, I'm assuming.

Doc Robot: Oh yes! We have Master's own Speed and Power Gears! I thought these treasures were lost!

Magnetman: Power Gear, huh?

Doc Robot: And a very powerful repair utility too.

Magnetman: And you just now found all this in your closet or something? I mean if you had it all this time, you'd have used it. Why haven't you?

Doc Robot: erm -

Shadowman: Because, he's a child (no offence).

Snakeman: A nincompoop (sorry).

Needlegal: And (just my opinion) -

Doc Robot: DO YOU WANT MY HELP OR NOT! Oh you people are such ingrates! You want to know why we haven't used them yet!?

Snakeman: No, won't be necessary! Sorry!

Needlegal: You're sweet! I'm sorry.

Shadowman: Right! Sorry! Just had a trying day.

Magnetman: Well... fine. Frankly I'm sick of just waiting here for the hammer to fall. We can use these upgrades to strike back.

Needlegal: That's the spirit! Let's install these babies and get to work.

Shadowman: Now, hold on there, Needle. I think we shouldn't install all of these at a time.

Needlegal: What? Why!?

Shadowman: Who know how these things will interact with each other? Or if our systems can even handle it. And there doesn't seem to be enough gears for everyone.

Sparkman: A good point, Ninja Star. Technology has side effects. Or it can anyway.

Magnetman: Side effects, huh? Good point there. I'm wary of side effects these days.

Hardman: Yeah, I think so too.

Needlegal: Wait, you think so!? Aren't you known for overdoing it?

Hardman: And I've learned since my rash, misguided youth. Just because we can go in overpowered doesn't mean we should. Look, I know how I sound, but all that power can really go to your head. Take it from me - sometimes less is more.

Needlegal: Huh. Well ... okay. That's some surprisingly sober reasoning.

Doc Robot: Right. Just leave yourselves to the tender mercies of Doc Robot!

Needlegal: You had better not get it into your head to brainwash any of us!*

(*Needlegal has an unsettling encounter with Doc Robot back in Series 5's The Unnamed)

Doc Robot: I apologized for that!

(Some time later....)

Magnetman: So this is Power Gear, eh?

(There's a large flash of light as Sparkman activates his Gear.)

Sparkman: Oh yeah! I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!

Topman: I'm surprised you didn't go for Power yourself, Gems.

Geminiman: I have all the power I need. No, I think a boost in speed would be most beneficial.

(With a blur, Geminiman is suddenly at the other end of the room.)

Geminiman: Beautiful. Simply beautiful!

Doc Robot: Yes! Master's genius shines through even now! You can see us, can't you? You can see your loyal robots following in your path, right?

Needlegal: Uh, sure.

Snakeman: I don't feel any different. Do you?

Needlegal: Not a bit.

Snakeman: Hey, who said that?

Shadowman: Uh, are you guys ...

Hardman: Oh no!

Needlegal: Wait, what's going on here!?

Geminiman: Guys?

Topman: Uh ... what's going on...?

Shadowman: What do you mean you're my new repair system!?

Needlegal: Will you shut up!? I'm trying to get a handle on what's going -

Hardman: Just one at a time!

Snakeman: AH HAH HAH HAH HAH! Hoo! Oh, man that's just ...

Magnetman: What is...?

Snakeman: It's just that this guy is so funny!

Needlegal: Funny!? His puns are terrible!

Hardman: I'll say! And I like puns. Oh shut up! No, you shut up!

Magnetman: I knew it! You messed this up!

Doc Robot: Doc Robot did not "mess this up!" Doc Robot did everything perfectly! Upgrades installed as asked! Your Mega Mini upgrades are working fine, you - you - you - JERKS! Doc Robot is hopping mad!

(Doc Robot literally hops in place in a fit of rage.)

Doc Robot: Just get out! GET OUT!!

Needlegal: Could you uninstall - ?

Doc Robot: GET! OUT!

(Doc Robot shoots out Metal Blades to and fro in a rage, missing the Mechs by a mile. The team make their way out quickly.)

Needlegal: This is a disaster!

Topman: I think it went all right.

Geminiman: Heh heh, so do I.

Needlegal: We can't fight like this!

Needlegal, Shadowman, Hardman: No, we won't get used to it!

Snakeman: I dunno, guys. I think I have a new best friend. Heh, you said it, Mini.

Sparkman: Alright, alright. I think it's clear we should call this off.

Shadowman: No.

Sparkman: No!?

Shadowman: NO! No, we have Speed Gear. We have Power Gear. And despite certain ... surprises ... we have a program to boost our repair and cognitive systems. We have everything we need to take the Council apart once and for all. And for the sake of revenge, we're not stopping now!

Sparkman: You can't be serious.

Shadowman: I am serious! It's time we took the fight to the Council and we're not going to stop just because of a few surprises. ... Exactly, Mini! Two heads are better than one!

Magnetman: I'm in.

Sparkman: Wait, really? Aren't you a law and order guy?

Magnetman: I'm more about the spirit of the law and those Councilmen spit on it. And worse! Naw, I'm all for laying into them. Let's do this.

Topman: I hate to be the downer of the group, but ... how, exactly? They're in the Ivory Tower surrounded by our old colleagues and we don't exactly blend in.

Shadowman: We split up. Each of us will take over a single area to divide and -

Needlegal: No.

Shadowman: It's tried and true!

Needlegal:: It's never worked. Look, I have a better idea.

(Several hours later Galactic Council member Mr. Holzenbein exits a nightclub with several girls hanging off his arms.)

Mr. Holzenbein: Yes, that's right, lovely ladies. I'm a Galactic Council member and I'll show you a night on the town!

Girl: *giggle*

Mr. Holzenbein: Heh, who needs vast mystical powers when you have the power of influence? Am I right or am I right?

Another Girl: You are soooooooooo right!

Tar: I can't believe you! Power is all there is!

Yet Another Girl: Hey, don't knock it, mister. But you can knock me any time.

Girl: (Wait, are you seriously into that? He's a lion!)

Yet Another Girl: (Hey, he's a lion MAN!)

Tar: All you human women are weak and hairless! Give me a lioness any day! A proud lioness! Two or three, even, to father my children!

Mr. Holzenbein: HAH! A man after my own heart.

Tar: Bah! Your carnal weaknesses disgust me, Holzenbein.

Mr. Holzenbein: Weakness? This is my STRENGTH! It's what I live for and without it what have I to look forward to? Our motivations might differ, my friend, but the fact that we are driven individuals is what separates us from the little people.

Tar: Hm.

Some Other Girl: If you're talking about motivations, why not let me offer you some?

Tar: Bah. Another hairless human flaunting her wiles at us. Do you never tire of such things?

Mr. Holzenbein: God, no!

Some Other Girl: How about it, cutie? Come with me and I'll rock your world. Both of you. You want fierce, I'll show you just how fierce I can be.

Mr. Holzenbein: I like that attitude!

Tar: Heh. An interesting challenge.

Girl: Hey! Don't forget about us!

Another Girl: Yeah!

(Tar roars in annoyance.)


Girls: AHHHHHH!!!

(They all run away except for...)

Some Other Girl: Looks like I'm the last one standing.

Tar: You do not flee me? Impressive.

Some Other Girl: I guess I'm a furry. Me-ow.

Tar: HAH! I like you.

Mr. Holzenbein: As do I.

Some Other Girl: What do you say I take you some place more comfortable?

Mr. Holzenbein: Yes I -

(Right then Tar is gripped by several Search Snakes and Holzenbein is tackled by a ninja robot emerging from the shadows.)

Shadowman: Now! While they're distracted!

Snakeman: Right. The weak links.


(In a fit of rage Tar breaks free of the Search Snakes.)

Snakeman: Crap!

Needlegal: I got this!

(Needlegal leaps down on top of Tar from atop the roof, tackling Tar HARD with her spikes.)


Some Other Girl: Oh no! BABY!

Tar: (Impaled by several spikes) It is a mere flesh wound.

Some Other Girl: You know what? I'm into a lot. Just not into that.

(Some Other Girl runs away fast as Holzenbein looks after her angrily.)

Sparkman: You know, that girl kinda looked like Needle...

Needlegal: As if! Nobody could mistake me for that floozy!

Mr. Holzenbein: You! You've cost us dearly this day, Mechs! I WON'T FORGET THIS INSULT!

(Shadowman backhands Holzenbein.)

Shadowman: Shaddap. Come on guys, we've gotta scram - yes I just said that, Mini!

Snakeman: I think this might have gone more quietly if you used your, you know, "wiles" to lure these guys way, Needle.

Needlegal: Yeah? Maybe next time you could use your wiles to lure these guys away!

Snakeman: Oh like that's ...

(Snakeman eyes Holzenbein suspiciously.)

Snakeman: AGH! What!? Not funny, Mini. Let's just go.

(The Mechs make their way to a still under reconstruction area of Toronto, which had been previously devastated by Geminiman during General Cutman's War.*)

Geminiman: Good work, team!

Topman: Even if these two were the easiest picking.

Tar: (Bloody and bleeding profusely) I'd like you to come right here and say that again, worm!

Magnetman: You have to admit it, without the Minis you wouldn't ever have been able to hack into any of the Galactic Council's calendars.

Shadowman, Hardman, Snakeman, Needlegal: We know!

Needlegal: Mini just won't shut up about it!

Shadowman: You got the credit you were due and then some!

Snakeman: ...HAH! Okay, that was great.

Hardman: What was?

Snakeman: The puns! "When's dim sum?" You, of all people, have gotta love 'em!

Hardman: What!? They're terrible! ...No, you are! ...I have lightened up!

Mr. Holzenbein: Hm. I don't know if this development is good for us or not. On the one hand it's a good thing our enemies have completely lost their minds, but on the other -

(Shadowman slaps Holzenbein again.)

Shadowman: Shaddap!

Magnetman: I do not like this at all.

Shadowman: I know.

Magnetman: I agreed to some proactivity, but kidnapping?

Sparkman: We have to do what we need to to survive, man. Besides, these guys are scum. And when you fight scum, sometimes you've gotta get a little dirty.

Magnetman: I'm not necessarily against such things, but ...

Snakeman: Mags, look who we're talking about here. Tar and Holzenbein.

Sparkman: And it's not like we're putting a bullet in their brain while they're helpless.

Needlegal: Live bait, you know? I don't think anyone would come for them if they were dead.

Mr. Holzenbein: Wow, that's cold.

Tar: If you think to intimidate me, you'll find that impossible! Let me out of here and I'll -

Sparkman: Open your bandages and bleed all over us? Yeah, you can just stay right there, Simba.


(Tar strains at his bonds, opening his wounds.)

Mr. Holzenbein: Tar, you fool! You'll kill yourself!

Tar: NO I WON'T!

Sparkman: Oh, for -

(Sparkman uses low-level Spark Shots to taze the duo into unconsciousness.)

Topman: Do we really think the Council will come for these two jokers?

Needlegal: If not, I have a plan B.

Sparkman: Right! You get the vodka, Snake can get the Suzies, and I'll get the hookers. They'll never know what hit them!

Hardman: Huh?

Needlegal: No, that's not plan B. Not at all.

Snakeman: No, I'm not game for that plan, Mini. No, I - I SAID NO!

(Much later, Princess flies into another area of Toronto a short distance away. It's night out and the city is deathly quiet, but Princess makes enough noise for everyone as she blasts open the doors to the newly built mall to let herself in.

Princess: Knock knock, bitches.

Crorq: Ahhhh, my former employees. Time has not been kind.

Hardman: Well, well, well, if it ain't sweetness and stale yellow cheese. Long time no see! You never call. You never write. What gives?

Crorq: Oh, I'd looooove to catch up. Why not give me your home address and we'll stay up and chat just like old times.

Geminiman: How about we don't?

Mr. Holzenbein: You've come for us! Thank God!

Tar: You didn't need to!

Mr. Holzenbein: You just stopped bleeding out!

Tar: A mere flesh wound!

Princess: Fuck off! We didn't come for you!

Crorq: We'll take you, of course, but we have other reasons for coming to this place.

Needlegal: Oh yeah?

Princess: Don't play dumb. The baby seal burgers. Where are they!?

Crorq: Indeed. You promised succulent baby seals in burger form and our two wayward members in exchange for a pardon. And yet, I do not see burgers anywhere.

Princess: Or even live baby seals.

Sparkman: Baby seal burgers?

Needlegal: You've gotta know your audience.

(With a snarl, Shadowman leaps out of a shadow, sword in hand, ready to strike out at Crorq.)

Shadowman: The only thing here for you is white hot vengeance, you bastard!

(Crorq effortlessly bats away the ninja with a blast of superheated gravy.)

Crorq: You see! I told you there were no burgers to be had! Not from these faithless fools!

Princess: FUCK! You morons'll pay for messing with me.

(Five additional Geminimen step out of the shadows to confront the Galactic Council members.)

Geminiman: I don't think so, scumbags.

Princess: Scumbags! You're the kidnapping liars who didn't even intend to come through with any baby seal burgers!

Magnetman: The lady's got a point there.

Topman: Not now, Mags.

Crorq: Well, we never intended to give you any sort of amnesty anyway. We just wanted to know where you were. World's Strongest? Now.

(At that moment, the roof of the mall caves in as Blizzardman creates an opening using his Snowball From Hell attack.)

Blizzardman: Sorry about the mess, but you people have got this coming!

Topman: So've you!

(With a blur of speed, Topman knocks Blizzardman out of the way and ... just keeps on spinning!)

Blizzardman: WHOA! Where in the heck did that come from!?

(Topman blitzes around the room and hits Crorq head on!)

Crorq: What in blue blazes is this!?

Shadowman: Nice!

Topman: Ja-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ne! St-o--o-o-p this crazy-y-y-y-y-y-y thi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ing!

(Topman almost crashes into Shadowman before the latter uses his own Speed Gear to dodge out of the way.)

Shadowman: HEY!

Centaurman: (Teleporting out of Topman's path) All the speed in the world won't do you any good if you can't control it.

Hardman: Watch what you're asking for. (Launches his Hard Knuckles with a blur.)

Centaurman: (Teleports out of the way of the Knuckles, but by the time he rematerializes, they've already turned around and knock him down before he sees what's happening) Buh-Wha!? How's that possible!?

Geminiman: We'll take care of this!

Geminiman: Thanks to our -

Geminiman: Speed Gear!

Flameman: Face the fury of my - GAH!

(Geminiman piles on Flameman before he has a chance to do much of anything!)

Geminiman: Glittering fists coming out form nowhere!

Geminiman: Faster than the eye can see!

Geminiman: Faster than - Oooop!

(One after another, each of the Geminimen trip over Plantman's outstretched foot.)

Plantman: HAH! Take THAT, Mech!

(Plantman doesn't have time to savor his victory before Snakeman hits him with Snake upon Snake.)

Snakeman: No, Mini I will not say that! No, it's not funny! Being a flower pun doesn't make it any less an offensive slur. Seriously, can you stop -

(Snakeman is hit into the opposite wall as Princess enters the fray and into his face.)


Needlegal: (coming in with spikes outstretched) And you owe us the last few years of our lives back! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

(Princess grabs a spike and effortlessly slams Needle into the ground.)

Princess: Fuck you! You had your chance and you blew it!

(Princess hovers triumphantly over Needlegal's prone figure.)

Princess: Oh yeah! Bring it ON! Who's next!?

(Out of nowhere, Princess is locked onto the jaws of an ever growing, more monstrous version of Hardman!)

Princess: What the fucking FUCK!

Hardman: Just call me ...HARDZILLA! ...No, Mini, the name is fine! ...Do you not understand the fine line I have to walk not calling attention to the suggestiveness of... SHUT UP, MINI!

Crorq: What the deuce is this!?

Shadowman: (aglow as he taps into the Power Gear) Your end, you big yellow piece of -

(Despite his power, Crorq fires a plasma blast that knocks the ninja back.)

Crorq: A new powerup? Gimmicks will not save you this time, Mech!

(With super speed, Shadowman rapidly punches at Crorq with souped-up punches, kicks, and Shadow Blades.)

Shadowman: I'll show you! I don't care what gimmick I have to use as long as I get you out of everyone's life!

(Magnetman stops after laying the smack down on Windman.)

Magnetman: (While firing a souped-up Magnet Missile at Knightman) HEY! You mean to tell me you two have both Power and Speed Gears!?

Shadowman: And Mini (unfortunately) ... oh SHUT UP! I'm trying to concentrate.

Sparkman: (Firing an extra-large Spark Shot at Centaurman) What happened to "less is more?"

Hardman: (Snapping at Princess as she flies around) We wanted to gauge the risk before anyone else could be hurt!

Sparkman: BULLSHIT! You just wanted to have all the upgrades for yourselves so you'd be the most powerful!

Shadowman: It doesn't matter so long as we win!

(Shadowman is knocked back by an out-of control Topman who is still spinning around the room.)

Shadowman: GYAHHH!

Plantman: Oof!

Topman: Excuse me!

(Princess is still fighting Hardzilla as she lets loose a mighty roar and decks the large robot.)

Princess: I KNEW BABY SEAL BURGERS WERE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! But you'll pay for your empty promises. Oh, you'll pay.

Hardman: Gayaaahhhh!

(Hardman stumbles backwards.)

Windman: Look out!

Tomahawkman: Oh -

Geminiman: Shit!

(Windman and Tomahawkman get stepped on while Geminiman avoids Hard by using his Speed Gear.)

Geminiman: Hey! Careful up there or you'll bring this entire mall down on top of all of us!

Hardman: Not a bad idea, Gems! Say yer prayers, ya lousy coppers!


Hardman: HAW! Okay, that wasn't bad.

Geminiman: What!?

Hardman: Not you - BRACE YOURSELF!

Mr. Holzenbein: He wouldn't!

Knightman: (Scooping up the Councilmen with ease) I have you, my lords.

Tar: Unhand me! I will free my bald companion and I!

Knightman: Just go limp and I'll get you both out of here!

(Hardman lashes out and the building shakes.)

Magnetman: Stop that ya big ijit! I can fix alla this with my Power Gear!

Yamatoman: You CHEAT! Fight me with your own power!

Magnetman: I could, but why?

(Magnetman ramps his Power Gear up and instantly draws Hardman's oversized foot right on top of him, crushing the magnet-themed cowboy!)

Magnetman: GYAHHHH!!!!!

Yamatoman: HAH! A fitting end to - oh no.

(Hardman is too unsteady to stand and falls on top of the majority of the assembled robots.)


(The Mall starts to collapse and everyone starts scrambling.)

Topman: (out of simulated breath) Okay ... okay ... I finally managed to stop. I think I'm gonna puke.

(Gets crushed by a large chunk of ceiling.)


Knightman: (running with both Holzenbein and Tar slung over either shoulder) I'm trying my best, my lords!

Tar: (still struggling) I can move faster on my own! Unhand me!

Knightman: Stop struggling!

Shadowman: (Yes, I know you're helping me with my repairs, shut up about it already!) Guys! Get out!

Needlegal: Thanks for the order, fearless leader! Never woulda thought that if you hadn't said it! ...OH, WOULD YOU SHUT UP FOR DAMNED -

(The mall finally collapses and all inside make their way out. A short time later, at another part of Toronto, the remainder of the Mechs reconvene...)

Sparkman: They've got everyone? It's just us?

Shadowman: Looks like. Oh, shut up, Mini.

Geminiman: Um, actually, I'm just Geminiman's clone. My true self has also been captured. So, nice leading there.

Shadowman: Shut up. No, I wasn't talking to you that time, Mini.

Sparkman: Fucking Gears! They're not safe at all! My systems are almost toast and I barely used them.

Shadowman: Yeah, mine too. Yes, I know you're trying, Mini. Yes, I know I shouldn't have stressed my systems so much by overloading it with so many new items. YES, I KNOW IT WAS A STUPID IDEA!


Geminiman: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway .... what do we do now? Because clearly these new gimmicks are just not working for us.

Sparkman: I think we need to just find the right balance between gimmick and skill.

Shadowman: And I think it's time to take a page out of the villainy playbook.

Sparkman: Wait, what?

Shadowman: We call ourselves the Mechanical Maniacs, right? It's time we live up to the name.

(It's sundown at the Robot Police holding facility located right beside the head of power at Robot Police headquarters. The Mechanical Maniacs have been outfitted with restraining bolts, keeping their powers (and mobility) in check as they're being questioned by their former boss and current Galactic Council member - the yellow super computer Crorq. They are all currently attached to unknown machines hooked up to various points of their bodies.)

Princess: Yes, I'm sure we won't be needing you.

Centaurman: But the Mechs -

Princess: Are safely under lock and key. Back to your duties. NOW!

Centaurman: You know, we're getting reeeeeeeal tired of the way you talk to us. Crorq?

Crorq: Why are you still here? Get lost!

(Centaurman leaves in a huff as Princess slams the door on him while sticking out her tongue. Crorq then turns to the awakening Mechs.)

Crorq: I love reunions, don't you? Please excuse the mess, I wasn't expecting company.

Princess: Although I was expecting to eat baby seals!

Crorq: ... I know you were. As they have proven time and time again these Mechanical Maniacs are just a bunch of lying ingrates!

Topman: Oh, so sorry! Was I supposed to be grateful after years of constant abuse?

Crorq: How about - no. That's not the point of this. The point of this is to extract information.

Magnetman: We'll never talk, so you might as well kill us.

Snakeman: Uh, I might be open to talking.

Needlegal: Snakeman!

Snakeman: What? Who are we covering for? The Sinister Six? The Wily Return Force? All the guys who've tried to kill us?

Crorq: Smart man.

Magnetman: Snakeman, I cannot believe you!

Hardman: Don't tell him anything!

Snakeman: Screw you! You may have a death wish, but I don't.

Geminiman: DON'T YOU DARE!

Snakeman: Come closer, Crorq. Just promise me .... just promise you won't send me to that nightmare prison.

Crorq: Oh, I promise. Just what ... ?

(At that moment, several Search Snakes leap at Crorq and attack, biting and clawing at the large yellow robot while others leap at the Mechs' restraining bolts.)

Crorq: EAHHHH!!!

Princess: AH HAH HAH HAH HAH! Oh, that's rich!

Magnetman: You really had me going there.

Snakeman: Had to sell it.

Magnetman: When did you manage to pop those suckers out?

Snakeman: Just before Hard crushed you. I saw where this was going about then and Mega Mini actually helped my reaction time. They've been following us since then. Yes, thank you Mini. Yes, I know Mini. *sigh* Yes I know!

(The snakes grapple at the restraining bolts until....)

Hardman: Free at last, I am free at last! Heh, thanks, Mini.

(Hardman is punched in the head by the belligerent Princess.)

Princess: Not on my watch, doughboy!

Hardman: S-Speed Gear!

(Hardman activates his Speed Gear which makes the entire world move at a crawl to his eyes.)

Hardman: Sweet! Time for Sleeping Beauty to take a little nap courtesy of my HaaaaaaaAAAAAAAARRRGH!

(Time lurches forward for the large robot as his systems overheat. Hardman crumples to the floor clutching his gut in agony.)

Hardman: What? I .... I ...

Princess: Pussy.

(Princess uppercuts the large robot, sending him flying.)

Geminiman: Ben! I have your back!

(Geminiman speeds up, but is attacked by Crorq, who strikes at him as well as the other, partially freed Mechs.)

Crorq: You. Dare. Defy. Me? ME!?

Geminiman: Too slow, too slow too slooowowwwwwwAAARGH!

(Geminiman's systems seize up and he too falls to the floor in pain.)

Needlegal: (while futilely struggling to move thanks to the restraining bolt immobilizing her.) Shit shit shit.

(Princess kicks her head, scrambling her circuits.)

Princess: Don't bother. I mean catfights are so misogynistic, right? Let's just skip it.

(Crorq has rounded on both Geminiman and Magnetman, pounding them into the ground over and over again.)

Crorq: Ingrates! Filthy, stinking, loathsome ingrates! The whole lot of you!

Princess: I love it when they try to fight back. I love it. Uh ... where's the green guy?

(Snakeman has collapsed his body and is currently slithering his way through the air ducts.)

Snakeman: (thought) I've gotta get out of here and get help. Hopefully neither of them are smart enough to think of looking for me this way until I'm out of here.

(Snakeman continues on his journey and starts to hear shouting all around him.)

Snakeman: Ah, the rescue operation must be on its way. I wonder what Shadow has up his sleeve this time? (Pokes his head out of the nearest vent.)

Suzy: It's time to rescue our saviors!

Suzies: RIGHT!

Police bot: Not again!

SWAT bot: Crush them! Just crush them!

Suzies: RUN AWAY!!!

Suzies: RIGHT!

Police bot: Where are World's Strongest? I thought they were right here!

Police bot: They aren't picking up the phone!

Police bot: Why wouldn't they!? They're supposed to be the responsible ones!

(Snakeman beholds chaos as Suzies attack every which way alongside...)

Harpoon Joe: NYYYAAAAAGGGGH!! Get them Joes! Get them get them GET THEM! SHOW NO MERCY!


Sniper Joe 01: Hey, I'll stop if you catch me! Can you catch me? Can you, can you, can you?


(Ra Thor chases after the Joe with startling speed, but he's rescued by an attacking Apache and Machine Gun Joe.)

Apache Joe, Machine Gun Joe: YO JOE!


Snakeman: The Suzies and G.I.Joe are running amok!? I mean, I guess this fits with their theme, but why not the Ascendant Androids?

Skeleton Joe: Nobody felt like helping them this time. For some reason being cops for years on end still gets people annoyed and nobody wants to break into Robot Police Headquarters right now on your account.

Snakeman: Ouch.


Snakeman: But you guys came. Thanks!

Skeleton Joe: Yes, well, the Suzies love you and Harpoon was convinced after Gemini said she couldn't do it and, well, she just can't help herself sometimes.


Skeleton Joe: If you want your friends, follow me. But if you want to hear more boasting by all means stay. You might want to. He's really good at it.


(The smaller Skeleton leads Snakeman back towards the air vent, which somehow leads to the other escaped Mechs.)

Snakeman: So they captured a clone, eh? Nicely done, Gems.

Geminiman: Erm, naturally!

Sparkman: We have to act fast. NO DON'T CONNECT THAT THERE!

Shadowman: Not my area of expertise.

Sparkman: Snake ... take over!

(Snakeman looks at Spark and sees wires connecting him to a panel opened on a nearby phone pole and the intention seems obvious.)

Snakeman: Seriously!? You're gonna use your Power Gear to - SHUT UP, MINI, I KNOW IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA!

Sparkman: Yeah, I know, not my favorite idea either, but we've gotta cause enough damage to turn attention away form RPD HQ.

Snakeman: And you think frying the city's power grid is the best way to do that!?

Geminiman: No, but the looting Wily Return Force will should help too. They may not have been down to take on the RPD head-on, but those opportunists are more than happy to take advantage of a little chaos.

Snakeman: But ... it could wreck the city ...

Geminiman: Now you listen to me, I am not going to spend my life as a disembodied head in robot prison!

Shadowman: And I'm not leaving Needle - or anyone - behind on this. With the power down, the anti-teleportation field around RPD HQ should go down and the others can just telelport away. Well, that's the best case scenario. If you have a better plan I'm all ears.

(Snakeman reluctantly examines the connections and makes his own corrections.)

Snakeman: I guess we really don't have a choice, but ...

Sparkman: Right, choiceless. Let's go go POWER GEAR!

(Sparkman screams in agony as his Power Gear overloads his systems and sends a surge or electricity into the local power grid. Almost immediately all the lights in the area blow out and the entire multi-levelled city suffers a power failure.)

Police bot: What!? You people did this, didn't you!

Hammer Joe: Of course!

Suzy: You did not!

Hammer Joe: Didn't we?

SWAT bot: Get them!

Harpoon Joe: Fight, Joes! TO YOUR LAST BREATH, FIGHT!

Piriparee: For the Mechs? I dunno. I'm fine with just running around causing trouble.

Sniper Joe 01: Oh boy, I love to cause trouble!


(Explosions are heard further all around Monsteropolis.)

Police bot: Oh no, what now!?


Geminiman: And that'd be the Return Force.

Snakeman: They're going to wreck the city.

Shadowman: Not our problem anymore. Let's go get our friends back. Stealthily.

Sparkman: Yeah, have fun with that. I'll just ... lie here.

Geminiman: I'll teleport you back to base, Spark.

Sparkman: And by "base" you mean our apartment, right?

Geminiman: Yes.

Snakeman: The others can't have escaped. They'd have radioed us.

Shadowman: We're the stealthy bots anyway. Even so, I don't fancy a fight against Princess. Wait, what was that, Mini?

Snakeman: What do you mean you -




Shadowman: Are you sure?

Snakeman: I mean, I know we haven't gotten along, but ...




Shadowman: Damn that was beautiful. I mean. Wow.

(Meanwhile inside the building, Princess is punishing the captive Mechs.)

Hardman: (emitting steam and sparks) I'm not done yet, Princess Pineapple.

(Hardman becomes a blur as he activates his Speed Gear, ramming a large fist into Princess' face.)

Princess: GYAH!

(Topman is ramming into Crorq at super speed)

Topman: I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i t-h-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-nk I'm gona-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- be-e-e-e-e--e-e-e-e s-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ck!

Crorq: Not as sick as I am at you attitude - STAND STILL!

Hardman: HAH! Good one, Mini!

Needlegal: Keep at it, Mechs! With the power down we just need a minute to -

(At that moment, RPD HQ's backup generator kicks in, restoring power throughout the facility.)

Needlegal: Aw, nuts.

Geminiman: Can't you fry that generator with an electromagnetic pulse or something!?

Magnetman: I could do that, shiny, but it'd also wipe our circuits. Unless you wanna be more of a vegetable than you already are?

(Crorq manages to knock Topman back with a super powered plasma shot and begins to glow purple.)

Crorq: Alright, Mechs. It's over. I hope you know that. Whatever scheme you had of getting out won't happen. Even if you get past me there's all my little pawns you'll have to get through and Trio besides! It is OVER!

Princess: Oh don't let them surrender, Tubs. I'm just getting started!

Needlegal: We - oh would you be quiet, I can't think with you -

(Needlegal is blasted back as Princess resumes the assault.)

Princess: That wasn't an "I surrender!"

Crorq: I will enjoy picking you apart. Who knows? I might even do something with the leftovers. I always was a fan of modern art. MWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

(All of a sudden Crorq is hit with a Shadow Blade.)

Crorq: You again!

Shadowman: That's right, me!

Crorq: I'm glad you showed up. Now I'll get to destroy you too!

(Crorq fires his Chicken Buster at Shadowman who evades with relative ease.)

Princess: Enough with the plasma shots, just tear them apart! They denied me what was promised and THEY DIE FOR THAT!

Snakeman: Geez, you were really looking forward to those baby seal burger, huh?

Princess: I WAS!

(Princess is hit from behind with several Gemini Lasers.)

Geminiman: I guess sometimes no power ups works best.

(Hardman follows his attack with a Hard Knuckle right at Princess' head.)

Hardman: Yeah, but I gotta say I'm really takin' a shine to Mini over here. HAW! You know, this guy is actually pretty funny!

Snakeman: Oh, for real!?

Hardman: "It's a Hard-hitting fact!"

Shadowman: *groans*

Hardman: I know, I can "Hardly" believe it myself!

Shadowman: *groans even louder*

Geminiman: Is this really the time for jokes? We're fighting for our lives here.

Magnetman: Shiny's right, I hope you have some sort of plan under that goofy ninjastar of yours.

Shadowman: Me? Not so much.

Magnetman: Typical!

Snakeman: We have to buy some time!

(Princess punches a fist right through Snakeman's torso.)


Princess: Time's up! I'm gonna get you and the rest of Gamma's Disciples.

Snakeman: We're ... the Mechanical ... Maniacs .. ohhhh.

Princess: I don't fuckin' care!

(Princess throws the injured Snakeman into Topman as he spins towards her.)

Topman: RUDE!

Princess: Fuckin' right I'm rude. I'm a mother fucking PRINCESS! I can be however I want with you peasants.

Magnetman: Alright, this may have burned almost everyone out, but ... POWER GEAR!

(Magnetman lets loose a flurry of Magnet Bullets at Crorq and Princess.)

Crorq: EEEEOW! I felt that!

Princess: You little...

Magnetman: ALRIGHT! It's not ... perfect ... but I think I can control -

Princess: Think fast, cowpoke!

(Princess lunges forward and grabs Geminiman, placing him right into Magnetman's line of fire.)

Geminiman: GYYYAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Magnetman: NO!

(Crorq immediately pounces on Magnetman.)

Magnetman: GYAAAKKK!

Crorq: It may hurt me a little, but I'll bet this hurts you a lot more, Mech.

(The Mechs, battered and broken, look on in horror and Princess flings Geminiman to the ground and suddenly turns, catches the blade of Shadowman's sword and fires an energy blast at the ninja at close range.)

Shadowman: GYAAHHHH!!!

Princess: HAH! Predictable. You think you're sneaky, but I knew you'd try something like that.

Crorq: It's OVER.

Needlegal: Was this also a part of your plan?

Shadowman: Maybe a little.

Needlegal: If this goes south, Mags can still use his power to wipe out Crorq's memory banks.

Topman: And ours too!

Needlegal: It's better than being caught, ain't it?

Hardman: Shit. I wonder if there'll be someone to bail me outta death this time around?

???: Hello? Is this thing on? Testing one, two, three...

Crorq: What the devil!?

???: Hello, there jerks. This is your pal Mega Mini!

Mega Mini: And his pal, also named Mega Mini!

Crorq: Where is this coming from?

Mega Mini: Where do you think?

Crorq: INSIDE ME!?

(Crorq starts to slap himself.)

Mega Mini: What? NO!

Mega Mini: (Good idea, though)

Mega Mini: But he hasn't even taken us out on a date!

Princess: Ugh.

Magnetman: Mega Minis!?

Mega Mini: Shadowman and Snakeman's Mega Minis to be precise.

Mega Mini: In the flesh! Literally. Inside your flesh.

Needlegal: Wait, you're robots!? I thought you were a kind of software!

Mega Mini: Oh no, we're hardware! What you see is what you get!

Mega Mini: And what you get is a tiny robot that lives inside your skull!

Needlegal: My head ... DOC ROBOT HOLLOWED OUT MY HEAD!?

Snakeman: Don't you mean our heads!?

Princess: Not much there to begin with.

Crorq: HAH!

Needlegal: Then where's my brain!?


Needlegal: He put it WHERE!?

Snakeman: That little ...

Shadowman: I'm gonna ...

Hardman: AH HAH HAH HAH HAH! Oh, man, the puns make it almost worth it.

Crorq: (Evil Energy flares around Crorq) I don't care who or what you are or what's going on, but the Mechs are going down NOW!

Mega Mini: We're Mega Minis, expert repairmen!

Mega Mini: And I think you'll remember us. See, we connected these little Gears to your base's backup generator.

Crorq: gears? What gears? What are you -

Mega Mini: So long, suckers! I ... hope you'll think better of us now.

Hardman: Wait, they can't -

(RPD Headquarters shakes as the Speed and Power Gears the Mega Minis attached to the backup generator activate.)

(Crorq is flooded with power as the Evil Energy generated by the backup generator flows into his body.)

Crorq: HAH! I don't know what you did, but thank -

(The generator explodes, taking a large chunk out of the building sending everyone toppling to the floor.)

Needlegal: They just ...

Shadowman: Get out of here - NOW!

(With the anti-teleportation shield down, the Mechs teleport out.)

Crorq: Wait, what?

Princess: They can't have!


(Later, at Doc Robot's lab, our heroes are being restored and the broken Gears are removed.)

Doc Robot: (while rubbing a sore spot on his head and covering in damage) THEY WERE INSTALLED CORRECTLY!

Needlegal: I think you could've told us beforehand you had to core us!

Geminiman: No offence, but you really messed up there.

Doc Robot: (literally hopping mad) Oh! Oh! You! You people can't ever decide on what you want and you're a bunch of ingrates on top of it!

Geminiman: Sorry.

Topman: Yeah, we're sorry.

Hardman: You're right. We didn't ask for details. Our bad.

Snakeman: The Minis really came through.

Needlegal: I'm still glad to have one out of my head.

Hardman: THAT ATTITUDE IS EXACTLY WHY THEY LEFT! You - you - you ... you just had to ruin a good thing, didn't you!?

Needlegal: Hey! They were annoying and talked constantly! And the puns ... THE PUNS!

Hardman: I'm gonna miss the little guy.

Doc Robot: So much for Master's Gears. Doc Robot didn't think it'd work. Doc Robot knew Master shelved Gears for reason. Master is so wise!

Sparkman: Hey, wait, you knew about the Gears all this time?

Doc Robot: Oh yes, it was a brilliant creation made by Master from his school days! Master tried to use it to take over the world, but it didn't work.

Shadowman: Gee, I wonder why. It fried our systems right to their core.

Needlegal: I'm still hearing Mini's yammering. I mean ... the two of yours came through and I'm glad, but -

Topman: Needlegal, you really are being an ingrate.

Needlegal: You did not have to deal with a disembodied voice in your head all day!

Topman: You mean your empty head?

Needlegal: Shut up!

Topman: Where did they put your brain again?


Shadowman: Our chest.

Sparkman: Why do I not believe you?

Hardman: Oh who cares? I feel so lonely without the little guy. He really grew on me.

Magnetman: You know, with some practice I think we could get really good at those Gears. Maybe we shouldn't toss 'em so quick.

Doc Robot: HAH! Too bad Gears so complicated and expensive to make! Doc Robot never, ever expects to see them again. Nope, never. Especially not for you people!

Magnetman: Aw.

Snakeman: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

Magnetman: Unless you count us robbing an international hero for upgrades that ultimately proved useless, turning Suzies and Joes and the Return Force here on a city we used to be about protecting, and nearly getting killed because of our own hubris "all right," then ...

Shadowman: Oh, you found out about that, huh?

Magnetman: Of course I found out about it! Information like that travels in these parts, did you really think it would stay a secret!? I must say I'm ashamed of everyone in this room. Except, of course, for myself as I had nothing to do with it.

Snakeman: It's not like we died!

Magnetman: I think a small part of us did.

Needlegal: And we learned something too....

Topman: There is such a thing as "too fast?"

Hardman: Or too much?

Needlegal: We learned that you gotta do what you gotta do. Mags, get your head out of the clouds. Everyone thinks we killed Megaman!

Doc Robot: Wait, didn't you?

Shadowman: Absolutely!

Needlegal: We have the rulers of the entire freakin' GALAXY after us!

Snakeman: Oh they just call themselves that, it's just a few mining worlds.

Needlegal: Desperate times call for desperate freakin' measures! We learned that we can use equipment in unexpected ways to deal a lot of damage and we've gotta think beyond our precious little principles if we're ever going to get out of this mess! It's how the Minis bailed us out and we've gotta do what we must to survive.

Sparkman: Someone who's not Shadowman is advocating moral ambiguity? Not that I'm against ...

Magnetman: *Humph* I'll do what's needful. But I don't have to like it.

Topman: Well, until we reinstall Mega Mini, we are ... The Mechanical Maniacs!

The End


Leon as .....
Raijin as .....
Psycho Magnet as .....
Ben as .....
    Nightmare as .....
Lennon as .....
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....
Gauntlet as .....


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