Written By Ben (Heatman)
Starnik as Quick Man
Darksage as Crash Man
Ben as Heat Man
Cyros as Flash Man
Indy as Bubble Man
Naoshi as Metal Man
Shadowstrike as Air Man
Iga as Wood Man
Narrator: Our heroes relax in the ruins of Skull Castle after a long and grueling war… or at least try to in spite of Dr. Wily’s shrill screams.
Wily: Useless dolts! Ve have so much rebuilding to do and all you ever do is lounge about and vatch television.
Quick: Can’t this wait until commercial, Doc?
Wily: You’re vatching reruns of “I Love Lucy”!
TV: Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. What have you done now?
Flash: Can someone tell me why we’re watching this?
Crash: Because Naoshi is the one holding the remote.
Metal: By the power of Greyskull! *Holds up the remote* I HAVE THE POWAHHHHHHHH!
*Starnik hits him in the back of the head with Ben’s old Holy Baseball Bat of Antioch*
Quick: The power of Christ compels you to… Ah, it’s just not the same without that psychotic zippo.
Air: It’s too bad we had to send him to the farm with the dog and grandma.
Wood: But at least he’ll be able to run around and burn things to his hearts content…
Metal: Ooh! Ooh! Can we go visit him?
Metal: Aww… I wanted to go milk a cow!
Flash: But didn’t he die in the Wa--*Conked upside the head by Starnik* OW!
Quick: That’s enough out of you!
Wily: *So exasperated, he rips out his mustache* Can’t you fools take anything SERIOUSLY?!
*The Warriors all look at each other blankly*
Wily: You’re hopeless! ALL OF YOU! *Storms out*
Crash: Yeesh, who shoved that stick up his rectum?
Wood: Wasn’t me. I swear!
Quick: This bites, ever since that stupid war everything’s had to be so serious. Does anyone remember what the old days were like?
Metal: Was there cake?
Quick: *Slaps forehead* Oi! We had all sorts of zany adventures that had involved fighting a 50-story Grimace, or calling in the Ghostbusters on Starscream.
Wood: Oh, sure. Choose the adventures Ben wrote.
Crash: Well, he is writing this story. What do you expect?
Quick: ANYWAY, everything is now so grim and gritty it’s not fun anymore. Don’t you guys wish there was something we could do to go back to before all that war business?
Metal: Look! Starnik’s joy boy is on the TV!
TV: Hello, I am Jack McCoy of the recently concluded television show, “Law & Order”. I’m here to tell you that with “Jack McCoy’s Do-it-Yourself Legal Kit” you can become a successful lawyer in one hundred and seventeen easy steps.
Quick: *Swoons* That Jack McCoy is so…
Air: Focus, Starnik. Focus.
TV: You can be any lawyer you choose to be: criminal law, civil law, family— there’s no limit to what you can become or the wealth you can squeeze from desperate client.
*Jack takes off his housecoat to get in a diamond studded hot tub with the ladies from all the ladies from the various Law & Order series*
TV: *Has a glass of champagne poured for him* All you have to do is send $9,999,999.99 and your immortal soul for “Jack McCoy’s Do-it-Yourself Legal Kit.” Operators are standing by.
Quick: Ah ha! That’s it! Are you guys pondering what I’m pondering?
Metal: I think so, but where are we going to find Go-Kart riding bears wearing party hats at this at this hour?
Quick: *Slaps forehead, again* Oi. *Whips out Wily’s credit card* I’m going to need to borrow your soul for a minute.
Metal: *Writes it down in blood* Sure thing!
Flash: Oh boy, what are you planning to do, “Fearless Leader?”
Quick: You’ll see in four to six weeks!
Narrator: Weeks pass and the intervening time has been (relatively) quiet for our downtrodden heroes…
Bubble: ‘Bout time somebody gave me some lines. Where’s our fearless leader been for the past two months?
Crash: I dunno. He locked himself in his room after that legal kit came in the mail but I’ve been too busy selling Wily components on the black market to find out what he’s doing.
Bubble: And no one else has bothered to knock?
Crash: It’s not like he’s going anywhere.
*For no real reason, Naoshi bursts into the hallway, riding on Iga*
Metal: Hi ho Silver! AWAYYYYYYYYY!
Bubble: I thought Naoshi was cured of his idiocy.
Crash: Someone clearly didn’t get the memo when writing this ep.
Wood: *Trying to buck Naoshi off his back* Get offa me you little freak!
*After about a minute of wrecking what few heirlooms Wily had left, and attracting the attention of the other Warriors, Iga manages to throw Naoshi off*
Metal: WHEEEEEEEEEE! *Hits Starnik’s door and falls to pieces, again* Let’s do that again!
Wood: Over my dead body.
Air: Which Ben would gladly do if y’know—
*Starnik’s door finally swings open*
Quick: Good news everyone!
Wood: You finally figured out who’s been stealing our socks?
Quick: Even better! We’re getting a divorce!
Bubble: (…) But you’re not even married. *Slapped upside the head by Starnik* Ow!
Quick: Not that kind of divorce. We’re getting a divorce… from REALITY!
*The Warriors just give him an astonished, but incredulous stare, and Cyros even spits out his Hawaiian Punch*
Flash: Surely, you must be kidding us!
Air: No, he’s Starnik and he finally lost his marbles.
Quick: No I haven’t, I’m just sick of that old man yelling at us to “be more serious.”
Flash: So why not divorce Wily?
Mysterious Voice: Because you’re not married to him, Nimrod!
Mysterious Voice 2: Yo, ease up on the wall, Ben.
Mysterious Voice: Shut up you idiot! They can still hear us!
Flash: Huh?! Did anyone hear that?
Air: Hear what?
Metal: I think the fourth wall just buckled. Cool!
Air: Oh great, I think the Crazy Lady also snapped.
Bubble: Shall I reserve a couple rooms at the psyche ward?
Quick: ANYWAYS wouldn’t it be great if all that depressing war business never happened? We can go back to the good old days when we could do cool stuff like fight robotic gorillas riding killer sharks!
Wood: With laser beams attached to their heads?
Quick: WITH freakin’ laser beams attached to their freakin’ heads!
Air: With Chuck Norris riding a bigger shark?
Quick: That never happened.
Quick: So who’s with me?
Warriors (Except for Cyros): I AM!
Flash: Um, guys? You're not thinking straight. This plan is dumb, it's stupid! It's unnecessary! And frankly, it's just ludicrous!
Quick: *Wraps an arm around Cyros and leads him down the hall* Cy, cy, cy, cy, cy! We’re the Warriors, “ludicrous” is what we do. If you’re not with us…
*’Strike and Sage approach from behind carrying a rope*
Quick: We’re taking you along for the ride anyway! Get ‘im boys!
*Cyros turns around just in time for them to tie him up*
Flash: Oh, you god damn—
Narrator: So, with a reluctant Cyros in tow, the Warriors show up in Monsteropolis Superior Court the following day to have their case heard.
Metal: Is it me, or do we end each season in court?
Crash: It’s probably you, because I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Quick: It was before “your” time anyway. I just hope that Judge Judy isn’t the one on the bench today.
Wood: Or that Jack McCoy is hitting for the other team. Then we’d be royally screwed.
Flash: Um, guys? Would you just please loosen the rope a little? I’m starting to chafe.
Bubble: Check it out. I think the lawyer for the defense arrived.
Crash: Why is she carrying a whip?
*Starnik turns his head to see a tall woman of Teutonic stock with steely-gray hair strut past them and sit with the defense*
Quick: *Swoon* Omigod! It’s Franziska Von Karma! She’s even dreamier in person—
*His cheeks redden, and little hearts bubble over his head*
Crash: Oh boy. We’re screwed. Aren’t we?
Bubble: Is the Pope Catholic?
Wood: Does a bear squat in the woods?
Air: Does the Crazy Lady cry himself to sleep after I completely own him at Smash Brothers?
Bailiff: All rise!
*Everyone in the court rises, except for Starnik (and Cyros, for obvious reasons)*
Quick: Oh, Franziska… it’s our destiny to be together.
Franziska: He said, “All rise” you foolish fool! *Cracks whip*
Quick: *Stands up stiff as a board* Yes, mistress!
Bailiff: This trial shall begin with the honorable Judge Dredd presiding!
*Judge Dredd kicks down the door and wildly fires his Lawgiver at the ceiling*
Dredd: I AM THE LAW!
Bubble: I think I like our chances more already.
Flash: What?! You want to the put our fate in the hands of a gun-toting maniac?
Bubble: Beats Judge Judy, doesn’t it?
Dredd: *Fires the Lawgiver again* ORDER IN DA COURT!
Random Spectator: The judiciary has gone insane and threatens to destroy us all! *Jumps out the window*
*Franziska wraps her whip around the Lawgiver’s barrel and yanks it away*
Franziska: If it pleases the court, you honor, shall we begin?
Dredd: *Clears throat* My apologies, Ms. Von Karma. Just had a triple shot of espresso. *Takes his seat and pulls out his gavel* Court is now in session! We shall begin with the opening argument for the plaintiff—
Quick: Marry me, Franziska my darling!
*Unimpressed, Franziska cracks her whip again*
Dredd: Er… maybe we should just move ahead to the defendant.
Franziska: Thank you, your honor. *Stands up* The fact these foolish fools believe that the justice system can bend the very fabric of time and space is simply outrageous. Clearly this is the product of a warped and deluded mind, therefore it is my intention to not only request that the court reject the plaintiff’s petition but to order that they be sent to a high-security psychiatric care facility where the public will no longer be subject to their madness.
Wood: Objection, your honor! Only Starnik, Naoshi, and quite possibly Cyros are the insane ones in the room! *Franziska whips him* OW!
Franziska: Silence, fool!
Dredd: *The Lawgiver inexpiably reappears in his hands again* ORDER IN DA COURT! *Fires it*
*Once the room grows silent again, Dredd places it under the bench*
Dredd: You may now call your first witness, Ms. Von Karma.
Franziska: The defense calls Doctor Albert William Wily to the stand.
*Dr. Wily takes the stand, and the Bailiff brings out a bible*
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth so help you Godjesus?
Wily: I’m an evil scientist. Vhat do you think?
Dredd: Do I need pull out my Lawgiver again, Doctor?
Wily: Very well, I do!
Franziska: Tell me Doctor Wily, what field do you specialize in?
Wily: Robotic, mostly. But I’ve also tried my hand in several other fields including Temporal Mechanics.
Franziska: Interesting. So in your expert opinion, is what the Warriors propose even possible?
Wily: Of course not! No one, much less the judiciary, has the ability to alter reality on a vhim! Heck, I’ve tried to alter the timeline via time travel on multiple occasions. It never vorks.
Franziska: On another note, you’re the creator of these machines. Are any of them sane, in your expert opinion of course.
Wily: Definitely not! All they do is run around like lunatics and bungle every mission I send them on through their gross incompetence.
Franziska: So you would not mind if the state places them in an institution?
Wily: Are you kidding me? Nothing vould make me happier! Maybe then I vould finally be able to destroy that accursed Mega Man and take over zee world! *maniacal laughter*
Franziska: *Smugly struts past the Warriors* No further questions, your honor.
Dredd: Would the plaintiff care to cross-examine the witness?
Crash: *Walks up to Dr. Wily* Tell me, Boss Man. Is it true that you have a fondness for stilettos?
Franziska: Objection! This is irrelevant to the case.
Dredd: Overruled. I want to hear this out of morbid curiosity. Answer the question, Doctor.
Wily: *Turns red* Yes.
Crash: And is it true that you like to wear women’s clothing and dance to Donna Summers’ “Bad Girls” in front of the mirror every night?
Wily: *Grumbles* Yes.
Crash: *Pulls out photos and videotape* And lastly, is it true that you like to be spanked?
Crash: *Hands it to Dredd* No further questions, your honor.
*Judge Dredd looks over the photos and turns ghastly pale*
Dredd: *To Wily* You sick little monkey. You may leave the stand.
Wily: *Cries as he goes back to his seat*
Flash: Was there really a point to all that, ‘Sage?
Crash: No, but I always wanted to get him to say that under oath.
Franziska: The defense now calls Fanboy as the next witness.
Air: You fiend!
Bubble: Are you trying to kill us all?!
Franziska: SILENCE! *Cracks whip*
*The rotund, pizza-faced wannabe sidekick from “Freakazoid!” takes the stand*
Fanboy: Gee, I feel like I’m in my favorite courtroom drama! I think I might soil myself from the sheer excitement… *Pause* Oops, I think I just did.
Courtroom: *Gasps, and reaches for their gas masks*
Crash: Now, I don’t think we needed to know THAT.
*After the Bailiff hoses Fanboy down and makes him take the oath, Franziska approaches the bench but wisely keeps her distance*
Franziska: Fanboy. You are an expert on popular culture, correct?
Fanboy: Yes, Ma’am. Comic books, movies, television, video games; you name it, I can tell you anything you need to know about it.
Franziska: Tell me, assuming the Warriors have their way and divorce from reality—what would the implications be?
Fanboy: Reality would reboot itself, and necessitate several retcons that would then make continuity as confusing as the current DC Multiverse is today. It all started with the cancellation All-Star Comics in 1952 when superheroes like the Flash and Green Lantern fell from popularity—
*Fanboy then rambles on about the history of he DC Universe for almost five hours, going on numerous tangents. Everyone from Judge Dredd to Franziska to the Warriors to even the Bailiff all fall asleep. Until a massive finger appears out of nowhere to nudge Iga back to consciousness*
Mysterious Voice: Wakey, wakey!
Wood: Eh, what?
Fanboy: --So DC publisher Janette Khan ordered that Superman be made the last surviving Kryptonian so the original Supergirl (and not the Super-Girl who appeared in Superman #123 in 1958) had to die in Crisis on Infinite Earths—
Wood: Oh, him. *Puts on a pair of earmuffs and leaves the courtroom*
*Iga returns pushing in a cart, loads a clueless Fanboy onto it, and then wheels him to the nearest window*
Fanboy: Then John Byrne rebooted the Superman mythos in the 1986 “Man of Steel” mini-series, which jettisoned many previous elements of the previous series—
Wood: See you next fall! *Pushes Fanboy out and returns to his seat*
Dredd: *Begins to wake up, but in a delirious haze, picks up the Lawgiver* YOU BETRAYED THE LAW! *Fires it again and wakes up everyone else in the courtroom*
Bubble: Wut the?!
Flash: Holy Bejebus!
Franziska: *Gets back up from a comfortable catnap* No more witnesses, your honor.
Dredd: What about you, Warriors? Do YOU have any witnesses? (No overweight nerds, I hope.)
*Naoshi jumps onto the table*
Metal: Just one, your honor. *Twists towards the door in an overly dramatic fashion* I call upon our super-secret witness! The author of this episode—BENJAMIN RONNING!
*A strong wind pushes the courtroom doors open, and a somewhat tall man with streaked brown hair and a Van Dyke beard, wearing a Sinestro Corps shirt with Bermuda shorts walks in. Oddly enough, he appeared to radiate a divine light.*
Franziska: I won’t stand for this foolish foolishness! *Tries to whip the author, but it just limply drops to the floor without even touching him*
Benjamin: I think not. *Snaps his fingers*
*Franziska’s blouse rips open, exposing her cleavage*
Franziska: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *Tries to cover herself*
Quick: Oh mama! *Sparks fly out Starnik’s ears, and coolant leaks from his nose before he drops to the floor*
Benjamin: *Steps on Starnik’s unconscious body, and high five’s Naoshi* ‘Sup?
Metal: Nothin’ much, dawg, If you’ll just take the bench.
Benjamin: Sure thing. *Jumps over the bench and takes his seat*
Dredd: *Shakes his head* This is madness.
Benjamin: You really want to make me do the “300” joke, don’t you? Not in this continuity, bucket brain.
Metal: *Steps up to the bench* Will you please tell the court who you are?
Benjamin: I’m one of the authors that write this series, along with seven others. We’re like the gods of your universe. I mean; how else could so many characters from so many series owned by so many companies exist in the same place?
Crash: Well, he’s got us there.
Metal: So, are we going to get our divorce from reality?
Benjamin: That would spoil the ending, wouldn’t it? *winks* All I can tell all of you is that we, the authors plotted this finale so we dictate your every action, and you all essentially have no free will in this. Characters like Franziska Von Karma—and Cyros may try to fight it but there’s no real use because you are just figments of our own demented imaginations.
Flash: *Flabbergasted* Why is he talking about me like that?
Benjamin: Oh, you’ll find out next season. *Smirk*
Metal: One last question—
Metal: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Benjamin: Sure. *Snaps his fingers again, and buries Naoshi waist deep in ice cream sandwiches*
Benjamin: Well, I better get out of here before the universe BSODs again like it did in “Crisis on Earth-Capcom.” Toodles! *Snaps fingers, and disappears in a flash of white light*
Air: Now that—was weird.
Wood: Tell me about it.
*The entire courtroom begins to clamor, prompting Judge Dredd to fire the Lawgiver again*
Dredd: ORDER IN DA COURT! ORDER IN DA COURT! *Everyone falls silent* It’s become clear to me that Wilys Warriors have no place in this universe, much less in proper society. Wouldn’t you agree Ms. Von Karma?
Franziska: I do, your honor. These foolish fools are a threat to every sane being they encounter. I move that you grant them a divorce from reality!
Dredd: *Nods* So it’s the decision of this court that it grants Wilys Warriors, and reality, a divorce—
*Starnik regains consciousness in time to hear Dredd’s decision*
Quick: Huh? What! *Runs to Franziska and hugs her leg* But I don’t want to live in a reality without my Franziskaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Franziska: *Tries to shake him off* Get off me you fool!
*Judge Dredd bangs his gavel and a blinding light consumes the courtroom*
*Cyros then wakes up in his bed. A cold “sweat” streaking down his brow*
Flash: *Pants* It was all a dream; some horrible, lifelike dream.
*He then hears a shower running down the hall*
Flash: Wait a minute. We’re robots. We don’t need to take showers. Who’s using it at this hour?
*Cyros opens the door, and cautiously skulks towards the bathroom. In there he sees a shadow behind the shower curtain. Against his better judgment, he pulls it back to see…*
Flash: Ben?! But you’re—you’re dead!
*Heatman stands there, scrubbing what appears to be human blood off his chassis with steel wool*
Heat: I’m not, you perverted spaz. *Pulls out an axe* BUT YOU ARE!
Flash: Holy mother of—
*Cyros runs through the halls for dear life while Ben wildly swings the axe and shatters everything in his path*
Flash: Somebody please help me!
Heat: Stand still, you little—CRASH!
Air: *Opens his door* Geez Louise! What’s the Crazy Lady screamin’ about now? *Cyros and Ben run past* Oh—that.
Bubble: *Opens his door across the way* Shouldn’t we—y’know, do something?
Quick: *Walks by in his housecoat* And stop Ben’s fun, Indy? You know better than that.
Narrator: …and so our tale ends with a brave new world for our heroes, a world where they are now reunited with their fallen comrade, Heatman. What new adventures await, and what new dangers will they face? And why does only Flashman remember his previous life, and what is his new destiny? Stay tuned for Season 3 of… WILY'S WARRIORS!
Flash: Not the legs! NOT THE LEGS!
Narrator: *Wince* That’s going to leave a scar.
Hardman: I'm calling bullshit on this one.
Sharkman: d00d! That's totally what happened!
Hardman: Why am I even talking to you, again?
Sharkman: Whatever!1!11 Gonna troll Facebook. Laterz!
Hardman: Well, that was a half hour of my life that I'm not getting back.
(The rest of the Mechs walk in after Sharkman leaves.)
Topman: So, uh, Ben. Did you learn about what happened to Wily's Warriors?
Hardman: If what 13-year-old "Internet Tough Guy" says is true, they got a divorce from reality granted by some omnipotent author and disappeared to some parallel universe where I'm still Heatman...
Shadowman: That sounds... plausible to me.
Topman: Yeah, these are the Warriors, after all. "Crazy" is what they do... or did.
Hardman: Uh, I'm just going to assume they faded into obscurity, much like the other teams that aren't working for the blob.
(The rest of the team looks at NeedleGal)
Hardman: Aren't you going to say something about learning a lesson today?
Needlegal: No, why would I do that?
Topman: So until the Warriors get a better ending, we are the Mechanical Maniacs!
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