The Bitch and the Beast, The Director's Cut
*Paris was a place with an Eiffel Tower, now it is a smoldering warzone. The Comrades are valiantly battling the Seven Mercenaries, but to no avail
Quint: Hey guys! Check it
out! We’re winning! You owe me fifty bucks, Captain Asshat.
Napalmman: *over com* Goddamnit!*meanwhile, inside a burnt, shattered building*
Pharaoh: *clutches
his shoulder* Agh! This isn’t going well!
BB: *leaking vital
fluids* Oh no! They’re closing in on us!
Dive: Shaddap! Ya ain’t
helpin’!
Drill: This
isn’t going to work guys. We’ve got go, and we’ve got to go now.
Toad: What about the- Drill: We did the
best we could. If we stay here any longer we’ll be ripped to shreds.
Dust:
Right! Let’s go!*the CC teleport out except Dive*
Dive: Ah shit! Where the hell
did I leave my flask?!*Dive starts rummaging through smoldering rubble for his flask as RPD Swat Joes led by Needlegal come from everywhere and surround him
Dive: Oh, goddamnit!
Needlegal: Diveman! You
are under arrest for murder, drunk and disorderly conduct, grand theft auto, cruelty to
animals, destruction of private property, manslaughter…Fuck it. You’re just
under arrest.*later, in RPD HQ’s interrogation room
Needlegal: Look you
creep. You’re looking at some serious time. Half the department wants your head on a
platter. Just make it easy on yourself and talk. Dive: Hockkk!! *spits into
Needlegal’s mouth* Suck it, Wednesday Adams!
Amatista: You’re getting
nowhere with him! Let me handle this!!
Crorq: *over intercom*
Needleinfidel!! You and the rest of the Mechanical Infidels to my office immediately!
Gablahblahblah!
Avi: *over intercom* Oh
gross! Don’t throw that half-chewed burrito at me! Needlegal:
…Fine…*Needlegal and other Mechs leave the room as Amatista takes a seat in front of Diveman
Dive: Well, Sieg Hiel
she-bitch. Ya look like the head on Searchman’s ass. Amatista: You make me sick.
It’s not enough that Scissor Army is butchering millions. No, you and your kind kill
people and destroy buildings with innocent bystanders inside almost on a whim! You’re
monsters!! Dive: Yeah, ‘cause
monsters would totally end up savin’ St. Petersburg. Yer welcome by the way. Amatista: Don’t delude
yourself. The RPD could’ve defeated Mysteryman without you jeopardizing the
city’s safety! Dive: Yeah, that’s yer
job. *cough* Brussels! *cough* Amatista: It’s not your place
to criticize us! We have to do whatever it takes to keep the world safe from the SA! Dive: Join the club. We got
jackets. Amatista: Don’t you-! You and
I aren’t anything alike! You killed people for your childish cause! Dive: So? Ya got an entire city
torn down fer YER fascist cause! Amatista: Argh! You dick! Dive: Yeah, well yer a bitch!…
…
*Amatista flings herself into Diveman’s arms as they start passionately making out
Amatista: …I…I never met
someone who could treat everyone like crap the way I can! Dive: Heh…I always thought
I was oneuva kind… Amatista: So many lonely
nights…so many people to be jerks to…Together!! Dive: Shaddap and get
horizontal!*later, Dive and Amatista stagger out of the interrogation room, partially dressed
Dive: Heh. Never thought
this’d happen to me… Amatista: …You won’t tell
anyone…right? Dive: My lips are sealed.*back at the citadel…*
Dive: Yo, I nailed Amatista. Drill:
What?! Geoff, you escaped?! Dive: Did I escape…No! Tha
RPD lemme out fer a l’il walk! *smacks his head* O’ course I escaped! BB:
How’d you do that? Dive: …By nailin’
Amatista. Weren’ ya listenin’?! *slaps BB on the back of the head*
Skull: What?! I lose
the love of my life, but you get Amatista, just like that?! You suck! Dive: Hugs ‘n kisses Zy.
Now get outta my way. I gotta make some calls. *dials a random phone number* Hey, this is
Diveman ‘n I jus’ nailed Amatista. Pass it on. *dials another random number* Yo
this Diveman. No, I don’ know ya, but I jus’ tapped Amatista. Yeah, I know.
Sweet huh?*later, at Lebanon, in an alley…
Amatista: *making out* I can’t
believe you told everybody! You dick! Dive: *making out* I can’
believe no one bought it!*later, at Kazan, behind an abandoned truck…
Amatista: *making out*
Mmmm….I’LL GET YOU, YOU ROBOT SCUM!! Dive: *making out* Oh yeah,
that’s the stuff…COME ‘N GET IT, PIGS!!*later, at Guadeloupe, in a ruined building…
Amatista: *making out* Come here
big boy…YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS, TERRORISTS!! Dive: Heheheh…KISS MY ASS,
RENT-A-COPS!! Ooh, that’s freaky!!*later, in an apartment at Novgorod Veliky…
Dive: Honey, I’m home!
‘N I got us a new bidet, or ass fountain, or whatever tha hell they’re called
fer our one month anniversary!
Mega Water: Wait, what?!
You said we were gonna go peep on Amatista together! Amatista: *knocks out MW* Oh Dive,
you shouldn’t have! *plants a wet kiss on Dive’s cheek* And it’s my color
and everything! Dive: Heheh, glad ya like it!
Let’s go try it out!*later, at Jackman, in some nearby woods…
Amatista: I’m telling you,
it’s your child! Dive: No! How tha hell does
that make sense?! Like…at all?! Amatista: Do you think I get around
that much?! Do you even know me, like…at all?! Dive: …Either tha Virgin
Mary was a robophobic dominatrix, or we jus’ broke biology. Either way, I needa
drink. Amatista: Already got the bottle.
*whips out a half empty bottle of Smirnoff**six months later, at St. Luke’s Hospital…*
Doctor: *badly beat-up*
Congratulations…it’s a bastard.*the Doctor hands Amatista a gruff-looking cyborg baby brandishing a chain and smoking a cigarette
Amatista: …My head wants to
explode looking at this thing. Doctor: Damn thing broke
both my hands as I was delivering it. Now get it out of here. Dive: *stretches* Welp, thanks
fer takin’ care o’ tha rugrat fer me ‘n- Amatista: What?! *thrusts the kid
in Dive’s arms* I’m not raising this abomination of nature. I have a war to win! Dive: *thrusts the baby into
Amy’s arms* I ain’t payin’ no child support! Not fer this freak! Amatista: *passes the kid back* Not
a chance! Dive: I’m jus’ gonna
flush it as soon as ya leave! Amatista: *yanks the kid back* Not
if I flush it first! Doctor: Would you two just
get a sitter for that thing and get the hell out of here?! Amy and Dive: …!*later, at Monsteropolis, Crorq is debriefing the Mechanical Maniacs and Drastic Measures after their latest mission. Avi is in a Princess Leia bikini, chained to Crorq’s wrist, with a band-aid on her neck
Crorq: Infidels!! How could
you let the Ascendant Androids destroy some Middle East mudhole with little strategic
value?!
Snakeman: *riddled with crystals*
We’re sor- Crorq: Silence!*Crorq shuts down Snakeman…and Turboman for no real reason
Crorq: You all don’t
deserve to speak while you’re in the presence of Crorq the MAGGNNNIFFICENT!! Now what
happened out there?! I want answers!!All: ….
Crorq: Think I’m
talking to hear myself talk?! *turns to Snakeman’s corpse* ANSWER ME!!
Gablahblahblahblah!!*Crorq throws a stuffed crust cheese pizza at Avi as he shuts down Vulcan and Makenshi Shiken Max for no real reason*
Shadowman: *badly burned and missing an
arm*…Why did I ever agree to this job? Needlegal:
*missing an eye and covered with sidewinder shrapnel* Not a day goes by without me asking
the same question. Avi: Urge to
kill...rising... *wipes ash and pizza sauce off her face* Amatista: *plops the baby on
Gauntlet’s lap*Shadowman: Hey, what the-! Amatista: Put him down for his nap
at noon, feed him at five, and the cigarettes are in the top drawer. And do it right or
I’ll shut you down! Dive: No, ya dumb bimbo!! Shut
his sister down so that he can live with tha guilt! Amatista: Way to think outside the
box! *kisses Diveman* Dive: Heh, that’s my gal!*later, back at the Citadel*
Dive: *smokes* Well, I’m
sick of her. Drill: What? Just
like that? Dust: But you have a
kid…
Regulus: *nurses a
black eye* More like a goddamn bastard…Grrr… Dive: …What’s yer
point…? Dust: Sigh…Are
you at least going to let her down easy? Dive: Hell no! I’ll prolly
jus’ tap her one more time, then start datin’ all the cheap floozies I can get
my mitts on! She’s a big girl. A surprisingly big girl.
Regdar: *in awe*
…You have much to teach us… BB: Dive! Don’t
you care about her feelings? Dive: ….Heheheh.
Hahahahahaha!! Toad: Geoff!
We’re being serious!! Dive: Oh. Well, lemme laugh
even harder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!*later, at the Sizzler…
Amatista: …my horse, I
wouldn’t have spent that year in college. Dive: *drinking heavily* Huh?
Yeah, don’ lissen ta her. Yer totally not fat in that outfit. Or whatever it was ya
were talkin’ ‘bout.…
Amatista: …Dive…I think
our relationship’s hitting the rocks. You won’t even look at me in the back of
the head any more! Dive: *slaps a waitress’s
ass* Oh, yeah, sure. Don’ lissen ta Needlegal, I didn’ ambush Crystalgirl with
Napalmman last night. Or whatever yer accusin’ me of. Amatista: Dive!! I mean, I
haven’t even met your family… Dive: Yeah, let’s think
‘bout that fer a sec. They’re Cossackers, ‘n yer an RPD pig. Ya do the
math. Amatista: Pig...? *tearing up* I
thought…you… Dive: Nope.*Amatista breaks down in tears…noisily
Dive: Ugh!! Keep it down,
wouldja?! I can’ tap ya like this… Amatista: *buries her head*
Waaaahhhh!! Teacher, make Nathan stop pouring coke down my dress! *sob* *sob*
Leon: Would you shut her
ass up? Some of us are trying to eat out here.
Apple: Seriously!
Walter: You wouldn’t like me if she got
me mad... Dive: Amy…babe… Amatista: *shakes Dive off her*
Waaaaahhhhh!! Mommy, nooo! I don’t want any more puppy chow! *sob* *sob* *sob* Dive: Damnit… Look, babe
I’ll take ya firs’ thing in tha mornin’. Amatista: Really?? *throws herself
at Dive* Oh thank you!! Thank you!! Dive: Uh…It’s
nuthin’…I guess… Amatista: Say…about
tonight…*whispers in Dive’s ear* Dive: …What tha
hell’s a Cleveland Steamer?*that morning, at Cossack’s Citadel, Dive presents a bashful Amatista to Dr. Cossack and the Comrades
Dive: Yeah, this is Amy. Ya
already know ‘er. Any questions? BB: Hi! Pharaoh:
What’s up?*Amatista suddenly slams Diveman to a wall and slaps handcuffs on him*
Dive: Hey, what the hell!? What
is this shit!! Amatista: Isn’t it obvious,
you fool?! I was using you so that we could locate your hideout!
Comrades:
What?! Amatista: *speaking into a com* I
found Cossack’s Citadel. Mobilize the troops at these coordinates. Dive: …So ya were faking
it? Amatista: Big time. Dive: I shoulda known! Ya
bitch!*suddenly, the citadel’s wall explodes as the SA closes in outside*
SA: Kill now! For
Elysium awaits! Napalmman: Alright cheesedicks, I
want Brickback Mountain- Quint: Hey is that
Amatista?! Hot damn!
Sedulus: Shake it, baby! Napalmman: I’d ambush that!
Cutman: *wolf
whistles*
Magnetman: *thrusts at
Amatista*
Mesmerman: You dirty,
dirty girl! *stuffs dollar bills into Amatista’s pants* Amatista: Stop that! What’s
the meaning of this?! Dive: Oh that. I was
runnin’ low on beer money, so I sold those naughty pics ya gave me on the net. Yer
panties too. Now, I’m set fer life. Cutman: *twirls
Amy’s panties around his finger* Best investment I ever made!
Cossack: *sniffs
Amy’s panties* I had to stiff Artilleryman again, but it was worth it!
Artillery: I heard
that! Amatista: …!! Dive: I’ve also been
makin’ a pretty penny on Needlegal’s panties.
Mysteryman: What?!
You’ve got access to Needlegal’s panties?!
Spade: And you didn’t
tell us?! You ass king!! *flips Diveman off* Dive: Well actually, nah I
don’…
Heatman: Huh? Well, whose
panties are they?*meanwhile…*
Pluto: Huh? Where did all my
underwear go?*back at RPDHQ…*
Crorq: *sniffing
“Needlegal’s” panties* Worth every penny! Gablahblahblahah!! *throws a
chalupa at Avi**back at the citadel, a gaggle of floozies appear from a potted plant and cling to Diveman as Amatista shakes with rage,
Floozy: Are you
coming big guy? Dive: Wait fer me in the hot
tub, hot stuff. I’ll be in jus’ a sec. *slaps the floozy on the ass* Amatista: …I don’t
believe this!! You’ve ruined me!! For beer money!! Napalmman: Uh…Hello? Dive: How’s that my
problem?*snarling with rage, Amatista wraps her jeweled chain around Dive’s neck*
Amatista: I’ll show you how
it’s your problem, you dick! Dive: Serves ya right, ya
back-stabbin’ bitch!…
Dive & Amatista: *passionately making out* Dive: Let’s never fight
again, sweetie! Amatista: Screw you! Do you have
any idea how much these spats turn me on? Napalmman: Hello…?? Dive: Tough luck, tuts. Ya live
with me, ya play by my rules! Amatista: *slaps Dive* You dick!…
Dive & Amatista: *start tearing their clothes off*
Crystalgirl:
…Uh…We’re still…here… Amatista: I don’t care! Let
them watch!
Everyone: …*Dive and Amatista kiss and make up in front of everybody…Later…
Wraithman: Do you take
this bitch to be lawfully wedded harpy? Dive: *in a tux* Well,
it’s not like I’m gonna find anyone better… Wraithman: And do you
take this dick to be your lawfully wedded asswipe? Amatista: *in a wedding dress* Only
so that I can make his life a living hell later. Wraithman:
Sigh…Then I pronounce you two dick and bitch. May God have mercy on us all. Dive & Amatista: …’Cause we sure won’t! *make out* Napalmman: *sniff* I promised
myself I wouldn’t cry…*Diveman carries Amatista out to Turboman, who’s shutdown in his car form and drive off, dragging bits and pieces of Junkman behind them. A few months later…
Shadowman: *being mauled
by more cyborg infants* …Goddamnit…Just shoot me. Amatista: *in a skimpy mini-skirt
and tank top* Don’t forget to change them at six. Crorq: Me
too! Gablahblahblahblah!! *throws a Krustyburger at Avi* Dive: C’mon, babe!
We’ve gotta double date with Napalmman ‘n Crystalgirl in half ‘n hour!Fin!