I AM HERE AND I EXIST
The Fourth BoW Parody by Vulcan
(One year before World War III...)
Vulcan: Hey Doc, I need repairs.
Cossack: I'll see what I can do.(Several hours later...)
Cossack: Well, I've got good news
and bad news. It'll make more sense if I tell you the bad news first, that being, all your
20 years of heavy on-and-off smoking has finally caught up with you and... you're gonna
die in about a month, tops.(Vulcan pauses in utter shock as he is obviously about to lite another cigarette)
Cossack: Oh come on, you shouldn't
be THAT surprised... Whatever. The good news is that I am willing to build you a new body
using research done by your girlfriend's parents. In addition, I shall also give you the
privilege of taking my daughter's virginity. Vulcan: Wait... you love your
daughter enough to let Wily blackmail you, just to ensure her safety? Cossack: Yep, that's how things
happened. Vulcan: Yet you're willing to give
her innocence up to a complete stranger? Cossack: -nods- Vulcan: You are the best dad ever,
man.(Weeks pass as Cossack and Vulcan go over various plans for Starman Mk-III)
Vulcan: Hey Doc, something just
occurred to me... Cossack: Oh, what's that? Vulcan: When you're full prosthetic,
can you have sex? Cossack: ...that's a very good
question, actually. Vulcan: I dunno, didn't Crys' parents
do research on artificial genitalia or something?(Cossack skims through classified documents Vulcan took from the old Androids base)
Cossack: Actually, yes... they go
into great detail about it, in fact. Vulcan: No shit? That's fucking
awesome, man! Cossack: Oh yes... it also appears
that you can greatly enhance the subject's stamina. Vulcan: I don't think I'll be needing
that, Doc. Just ask Kalinka.(Kalinka wobbles on by, holding a hand to her abdominal area)
Cossack: ...for your sake, I sure do
hope you're worth the effort.(Much later on, as Vulcan is laying on his death bed...)
Cossack: Well, we're almost done
building your new body. Vulcan: Sweet... *coughs up blood* So
when are you gonna make a backup of my memory? Cossack: As soon as you die. Vulcan: Wait, wouldn't it be better
to copy my memory BEFORE I die, so that when I wake up in my new body I'm not in a
complete and total fucking panic? Cossack: Eh... but isn't that kinda
boring? Vulcan: ...touche.(Hours later, Vulcan wakes up in his new body in a complete and total fucking panic)
Cossack: Shut up you pussy. You're
alive... sorta.
Vulcan: Oh, yeah... man, that was
wild. I really owe you one Doc. Right here, right now, I swear my allegiance to you for
now, and forever. Scout's Honor.(Months later, war was beginning and refugees were pouring into the Citadel. Many of them will not survive the war, but you're not supposed to know that yet. Anyhow, everybody is crammed in the lounge and can barely move)
Vulcan: Yo, Doc... you know how I
pledged my allegiance to you? Cossack: Uh, yeah... what about it? Vulcan: Turns out Cutman stole the
armors I hid in NJ... or was it Desert Gulch? Whatever. I've got unfinished business, so
I'm leaving to join the RPD. No offense, but you've got a ton of complete morons hanging
around, and you ain't got no resources. It's probably best that you have one less mouth to
feed.(Pluto's ass finds it way into Cossack's face)
Cossack: I think I know what you
mean.... take care, Comrade!(Vulcan squeezes his way out as Pluto farts in Cossack's general direction)
Cossack: Oh for the love of Stalin,
I hope a maniacal jester murders you and wears your scalp as a hat!
Kalinka: Hey! That had
BETTER be somebody's knee that's poking me in the butt!(Much later, during Stage 3...)
Kuri: So, Vulcan... it's just you
and me. Vulcan: Yeah, save the talk. I know
you're not really Crys since Maks is on the RPD. I mean, he denies it at every turn for
whatever inane reason that has never once been properly elaborated prior to this project,
but if he's not Waveman, then who the fuck are you? Kuri: Well, I'm a sexy, slinky
version of your former lover who is not chronically depressed, and I can offer you any and
all sexual fantasies you may want to indulge. Of course, I can only offer this to you if
you join the Scissor Army as the missing piece to the Ascendant Androids... Vulcan: You drive a hard bargain.
Kill humanity and bang a ruthlessly evil sex kitten, or stay on the RPD and deal with
Crorq and human prejudice? Kuri: Did I mention I'm not
wearing any panties? Vulcan: SOLD!(Sometime after Stage 3...)
Napalm: Alright Shit Piles, this
is the newest member of your little circlejerk, Starman!
Starman: By the way, Captain, the
General wants me to take over as leader of the Ascendant Androids. Napalm: What the fuck are you
spewing your shit over, you snowballing prick? Starman: You heard me, Asshat. The
General finds your methods incompetent. He wants me to serve as second-in-command, with
executive privileges. Napalm: Hah! Executive
privileges?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Pixie Stick?(Napalmman is suddenly zapped with a large surge of electricity and kneels over)
Starman: Yeah, the big man figured
that while he was fixing you up after your fight with that Commie bastard Diveman, he'd
punish you with a semi-demotion. Napalm: Son of a fucking whor--
(is suddenly zapped once more) Starman: Alright, since Asshat is
having such a damn fun time being tongue tied, lemme just say that we're heading out to
Cossack's Citadel in five hours. Dismissed!(As the Androids part, Vulcan steps down and seizes CrystalChan, kissing her on the lips as he picks her up, trotting down the hallway to her private quarters)
Napalm: I don't know what hurts
more... the fact that I got fucking demoted, or that Pixie Stick was right about Pops
betraying me.(Napalmman is zapped yet a third time, now with much greater intensity)
Kuri (down the hall): Oh god it
turns me on when you do that!(Stage 4, the calm before the storm...)
Starman: So, what... we're going to
kill the doctor?
Cutman: That's the
plan, yes. Starman: Could you make his death
quick and painless? I don't know... maybe a decapitation or something? I don't really care
about the Comrades, but I owe the doctor at least SOME words of gratitude for making me
into a robot. Cutman: I don't
really care either way.(During the Citadel Battle...)
Spade: Hey look, I made a
Pluto Hat! Starman: Where the fuck is Silent
Bob? Let's see him stay silent when I rip his fingernails off one by one. Kuri: Geez, you're fucked up. No
wonder Crys loved you so much! Starman: What was that about Crys? Kuri: Nothing... (Pulls Vulcan
down to her level by the dog tags and begins making out)(The Citadel goes boom, Vulcan gets the girl and Stage 5 is now halfway done)
Napalm: Fuck, Mesmerman betrayed
us! We gotta tell the boss!(Napalmman is suddenly zapped)
Starman: Shut up, Asshat. Cutman
knew what he was getting into when he joined forces with that goon. The plan is simple, we
kill the dipshits, save Chargeman, and THEN we bail. You got that, Shit Pile?! Napalm: I swear to Elysium, I am
gonna KILL you...(Napalmman is zapped yet again)
Starman: Hah, yeah right. When my
wildest dreams come true, maybe!(The Deep Impacters are killed and the Androids report back to HQ)
Cutman: Very good. I
trust you disposed of their memory banks completely to avoid any chance of revival? Starman: Yes sir, I was very
thorough. Napalm: But sir, what about that
backstabbing son of a bitch Mesmerman? Cutman: Huh? Oh,
right. I was expecting this to happen sooner or later. You should have figured that out
sooner, you worthless hunk of scrap metal. Luckily, Starman was around to keep you in
line. I shudder to think what would have happened if you went and pulled back. Napalm: But... it seemed like a
good idea at the time... Cutman: Oh please,
save me the sob story, Captain. Starman, you know what to do. Starman: You got it, Sir.(Starman zaps Napalmman with a surge of electricity.)
Cutman: Very good.
From here on out, you are officially Team Captain. Napalm: I fucking... HATE my
life...(Stage 6, the Ascendant Androids have arrived in Iraq and Gyroman is blown up by a band of human soldiers)
Napalm: Oh son of a BITCH! Shit
Piles, let's show those candy ass Marines what happens when you fuck with the Scissor
Army!(Napalmman is suddenly zapped)
Napalm: Ow! What the fuck was
THAT for?! What the blue hell did I do wrong this time?! Starman: Nuthin, really... Crys just
likes it when I do that. Frankly, I rather enjoy it myself. Kuri: Oooh yeah, that makes me
hot...(Starman and Kuri begin making out)
Napalm: Um, yeah... I'll go find
the meatsacks.(Napalmman is suddenly zapped)
Kuri: Oh hell YES! Take me right
here, you stud! Starman: Are you sure? Grav is
watching... you know how he gets. Kuri: Fuck that! (begins ripping
Starman's armor off) Napalm (to himself): I fucking
hate my job...(Later, Napalmman has secured the Marines responsible)
Starman: What the fuck... Walter?
Walter: Vulcan?! Oh god, what
happened to you?! Starman: Ah, one thing lead to
another and now I'm now fucking the hot chick standing next to me.(Kuri waves to Walter and Conners, both of whom are stunned and confused)
Conners: Wait, this is Vulcan? Damn, dude! You're a legend in the Corps! To think that somebody as decorated as you should join the Scissor Army! That's just depress--
(Conners is suddenly squashed like a grape by a large surge of G-forces)
Gravity (twiddling his
thumbs): Oh, uh... sorry, Master. It's just that I get really turned on when I watch you
and the Mistress... make love. I kinda have to kill somebody right on the spot to get off.
It's the only way I can prevent myself from getting blue balls... Napalm: God damn it you're fucked
up!(Napalmman is suddenly zapped)
Starman: Nah, it's alright. I never
liked the Corps anyway. As for you, Walter...(Later at Mt. Elysium, after the Mesmer corpses have been secured...)
Starman: ...so then I was all like
"Sold!" Walter: Haha! Damn, it was worth
it to forsake humanity, just to hang out with you again, buddy. Starman: I'm glad you agreed to that
bargain. Yo Asshat, beer me! Napalm (in French maid outfit):
Yes... Master... coming right up.(Napalmman is suddenly zapped)
Walter: You just can't get enough
of that, can you?(The entire mountain begins to shake)
Starman: What the hell was that?Kuri (over the intercom):
Hey there Sweetie... it looks like the RPD is launching an air strike. Starman: Shit... get Brickback,
Chargetard and G-Pounder out on the front lines. Crys, I want you to meet me in the
hanger.(Later, in the hanger...)
Shiken: You! Starman: Sup. Shiken: How could
you?! You willingly betrayed yourself and everything you believed in! Why?! Starman (pointing to
CrystalChan): It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. Shiken: You disgust
me... I promise, I will beat you here and now! Once that's finished, you'll be back to
normal and we can reform the team! Starman: Man, you sound like a bad
anime rerun. Waveman, tentacle rape his ass.(Shiken is suddenly tackled by a large body of water with assorted pieces of armor and he is shoved off the end of the runway)
Starman: Well, looks like we can
finally launch those chemical missiles.???: Not so fast!!
Starman: Huh? Wait... what the fuck?
Crys:
That's right! When Maks told us what happened, we joined forces with him to bring you to
justice!
Stryker: How the mighty
have fallen... time to put you back in your place, Vulcan! Starman: Wait a minute... I joined
the Scissor Army because I thought Slinky here was Crys. The sex was great and everything,
but I was under the impression that she was you, and you were her and... shit, I just went
cross-eyed. Kuri: Don't worry about it, hun...
think of all those wonderful, nasty things we did in bed. That human girl would probably
never have given in. Crys:
Hey! That's my man, you gypsy bitch!(Crys and Kuri get into a vicious catfight)
Stryker: Well... this is
interesting. Starman: Damn... this is like, my
wildest dreams come true. Napalm: That's my number!
(Launches a volley of Napalm Bombs at Starman)(Hours later, Vulcan wakes up in his new body in a complete and total fucking panic)
Cossack: Shut up you pussy. You're
alive... sorta. Vulcan: Oh god... what the fuck just
happened? Cossack: Well, I just activated your
new body. Vulcan: My new body? Wait, so
everything I thought happened was just a dream? Cossack: Yup, it would appear so...............
Cossack: Nah, I'm just fucking with
you. Napalmman killed you at Mt. Elysium. Vulcan: You've got a sick sense of
humor, Doc... Walter: You blacked out at the
worse possible time, man. Crys and Gypsy Bitch really started getting hot with each other. Stryker: Lucky for you, I
was carrying a concealed camcorder! Crys: I'm going to
ignore that and ask a practical question... is it masturbation to have passionate sex with
your evil clone? Vulcan: That is a question that has
no wrong answer... hey, where's Maks? Cossack: About that...
Super Waveman: WE ARE HIVEMIND! (Flails
around like an unshelled Dr. Zoidberg) Vulcan: Ugh... let's just kill him
off and replace him with a vengeful little brother character whom we have never heard of
during any prior events. Mind you, this is totally NOT a rip-off of Kin & Tonic...
seriously. Walter: Well, I guess things
turned out all right... Crys: And we learned
something too... Vulcan: That things were ultimately
much more amusing than they would've been, had I stayed with the RPD and had an
emotionally driven fight with Kuri during Stage 3? Cossack: Dah, that sounds about
right to me... Crys: No, that's not
what we learned! We learned that... uh... whatever, let's go with that. Stryker: Well, until
Vulcan stops writing Epilogues where he has kinky sex with beautiful women, we are... the
Ascendant Androids!THE END