THE RPD'S FINEST
Another Business of War Parody by Spark Mandrill
Featuring Interjections by Vulcan
*Izhaevsk is a place with a... gun factory? Yeah, let's go with that. Now it is a smoldering warzone*
Vulcan: I just had to see this to
believe it: The Ascendant Androids are now Cutman’s Lapdogs.
Napalmman: Lapdogs? Well what do
you expect, Pixie Stick?! You left the armors at Cutman's secret base in Desert Gulch! Vulcan: Cutman's base is in Desert
Gulch? Napalmman: Ah, fuck me… did
I say that out loud? Vulcan: Waitaminute... didn't I seal
the armors in New Jersey?*Later, back at Elysium*
CrystalChan: You told the RPD
where one of our bases was?! What the hell were you thinking, you stupid bastard?! Napalmman: Shut up, Gypsy Bitch.
Nothing’s gonna come of it. CrystalChan: Nothing’s gonna
come of it?! Out of telling them WHERE OUR BASE IS?! Do you listen to yourself talk?! Napalmman: …You don't know
RPD that well...do you?*Back at RPD HQ*
Vulcan: Hey Crorq, I found the
SA’s headquarters while I was in Izhaevsk! They’re in some town called Desert
Gulch.
Crorq: Infidel!! Vulcan: Huh? Crorq: How could you fail to secure
Izhaevsk?! Are you trying to raise my ire??! Vulcan: But... I found the SA’s
Headquarters! Crorq: What is your excuse?! Your
first two missions were successful! How could you fail this one?! Didn’t you think
I’d notice?! Vulcan: They’re in Desert
Gulch…! It’s an abandoned mining town. In Arizona! Crorq: I mean, that’s one failed
mission! That’s one away from two!! Two, I say!! I’m this close to shutting you
down, you lousy, washed-up infidel!! Vulcan: …Are you even listening
to me? Crorq: I am Crorq!! THE MAGNIFICENT!
Listening is for other people! Gablahblahblahblah!! *throws a sloppy joe at Avi* Vulcan: Fuck it…*back at Elysium*
CrystalChan: That’s bullshit.
How can what’s basically, a well-funded, well organized, highly-trained global army,
armed with the latest of modern weaponry be that incompetent? Napalmman: …*meanwhile...*
Mechanical Maniacs: *drinking at Hardman’s Bar* We hate our lives!
Crorq: *shuts the Mechs down* I did
that because I could!! Gablahblahblahblah! *throws a chicken wing at Avi*
Avi:
*dons a bloody hockey mask* Senator Hugo, you know what I think of this Shutdown Act?!
It's the biggest, darndest...*chases after him with a hatchet* Vulcan: I am here, and I exist.Yeah, things haven't been going so well. Shit has been coming at me so fast these days, I can barely keep up. I guess it's things like this that separate the men from the boys. Stuff like this could drive a normal man insane. But I’m only a man. It’s only a question of when before I reach my breaking point. How long can I keep it together?
Maks: I keep telling
you, I'm not Maks, I'm Max!
Junkman: ...I called you
"Max", Makenshi.This is just another day in my life. Hey Maks. What’s up Maks? Did you see Desperate Housewives last night, Maks? No matter how far I run, my past mistakes just keeps catching up with me... These vultures will never stop picking at the scabs… No, never…
I get no respect around here. Between the AA dragging our name in the mud-
Huh? Is this still my inner monologue?
Oh goddammit, not again.
Maybe we shouldn't have fucked around during Stage 2...
Junkman: Oh god, my
teammates are gone! Never to be seen again!
Turboman: Dude, I just
have gas.
Springman: And I stubbed
my toe. Junkman: NEVER TO BE SEEN
AGAIN! KHAN!! KHHHHHAAANNN!! 
Clownman: Arg, why
can’t we get any respect? *SAD CLOWN**suddenly, a bunch of RPD troopers inexplicably keel over*
Saturn: Ha! I told you I
could shutdown 5000 of them! Pay, up sucker!
Regdar: How about the
best three out of five?
Skullman: You
didn’t cut off anyone's hands for that watcher pad. It doesn’t count.Gaderhem: Behold! Our Special Forces! Put quite simply, they’re massed-produced Gammas Armors that are just powerful and durable. The enemy won’t know what hit ‘em!
*the Armored Assassins show up out of nowhere shoot the Special Forces in the head, taking them down instantly*
Assassins: Yeehaw!!
Everyone: …
Amatista: *strangling
Naop* I hate robots!! Robots are evil! They’re all ruthless zealots who’ll stop
at nothing to destroy everything we love!Bystander: But that one just rescued me back in Johannesburg.
Amatista: Who cares?!
They’re all dangerous! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! And if you
don’t buy it, you’re a terrorist too!
Diveman: *in a tight
leopardskin thong* Hey, baby. *pelvic thrusts* Amatista and Diveman: *passionately making out* Avi: *chasing Sen Hugo with
a chainsaw *...until the handle breaks off, and you have to call a doctor to pull it out
again! *slices his head off*Foxglove: Oh, thank you for helping repel the Scissor Army! Here, take this! *hands over her life savings*
Cosmic Gladiators: Thanks!
Pharaohman: Uh,
miss? You dropped this.Foxglove: Oh, my lipstick! Oh thank you so much! Here, take me! *flings herself at Pharaoh*
Pharaohman: Thanks!*back at Elysium...*
CrystalChan: Wow...What the hell
is wrong with these people? Seriously! Napalmman: I try not to think
about it.Fin!