Cossack's Comrades

Cossack's Comrades Alpha Season 2 Epilogue 10
Incredible Home Makeover part 1

Narrator: So it's a brand new day at the Comrades' place. Lot's of crap happens, blah, blah, blah I need coffee.

*In the kitchen*

Dr. Cossack: Kalinka, could you pass me the salt?

Kalinka: Father, I don't have the salt.

Dr. Cossack: Then who has the salt?!

Bob: Sorry, Dr. Cossack, Jack Jack knocked it off the table. It should be below your feet.

Dr. Cossack: ...Wait, you want me to bend down, and waste perfectly good energy? Energy that I could be using to EAT?!?!

Bob: It's not that hard, doctor. Look, I'll even lift the table for you.

Dr. Cossack: No! I will not have it anymore!

Kalinka: Father...

Helen: *Walks in from the kitchen* What's going on?

Bob: Honey... I think we're about to get thrown out.

*At the Comrades*

Dash: Hey Pharaoh, you want to play some video games? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?!

Pharaoh: *Sleeping* Shut... up.......

Dash: But I'm bored!! Wake up! *Starts jumping on Pharaoh at an insane speed*

Pharaoh: *Wakes up and blasts Dash*

Dash: *At the door* You missed me you loser!

Pharaoh: Grr... DAMN YOU!!

*Pharaoh chases after Dash while throwing mulitple fireballs in an attempt to kill him. He eventually stops as Violet catches both of them*

Drill: Shibbie, Pharaoh, I never thought you were so good with kids!

Pharaoh: Oh, knock it off and get me out of here.

Vi: *Releases Pharaoh* Dash, your coming with me.

Dash: NO! I don't wanna! Lemme go!

Ring: Hey nows, you kids outta be playing somes tic-tac-toes...

Pharaoh: Shut up Ring.

Ring: Okies.

Bob: *Knocks the door down* Kids, we're leaving.

Vi and Dash: Huh? But why?

Helen: Because Dr. Cossack is kicking us out.

Drill: Oh God dammit.

Dust: WHY LORD, WHY?!?!?!

Toad: I know how you feel, Dust. But I didn't think you'd take it so seriously.

Dust: Not that-- he knocked down the door again! I can't work like this! *runs off screaming*

Toad: God and I thought everyone else had problems.

*Dr. Cossack then comes downstairs, followed by Kalinka with a rifle in her hands*

Dr. Cossack: Uh, well. Good news. I decided to not kick you out.

Incredibles: Yay!

Dr. Cossack: Instead I'll be kicking you out in a week.

Incredibles: Boo!

Kalinka: Fortunately, FATHER *pokes Cossack with the rifle* took the liberty to call Extreme Home Makeover to build a new house. Isn't that right?

Dr. Cossack: Uh... yeah. I did. Heheheheh... *sweatdrop*

Helen: But that's out of a million other people with needs... What are the chances?

Toad: About a million to absolute zilch. Yep, your all screwed.

Silent Bob: *Nods in agreement*

Jay: Bob, get over here! We need to fucking get down to selling some joints again!

Silent Bob: *Runs off*

*At the Extreme Makeover bus, Ty views all of the entries*

Ty: Let's see... Man got eaten by dog... nope. Too boring. Lady and child set on fire. Did that last week. What's this? Oh, this looks cool! *Runs off to the front* Guys! We have a new family with new problems!

Micheal: Yay! Oh, can I see it Ty? Pleeeeease?

Ty: How about, fuck no, and get the hell away from me?

Paul: Psst, Ty. We're recording.

Ty: Shit! Um... Anyways, we've got this new job. Here it is. *Pops the tape in*

Dr. Cossack: Hi, I'm Dr. Cossack, and this is my lovely daughter, Kalinka.

Kalinka: *Loads a rifle* Nice to meet you all. This isn't for us, it's more for friends living with us.

Dr. Cossack: Oh yes... It's such a sad, sad tale... Where oh where should I begin?

Kalinka: Can it, and let me do the talking.

Dr. Cossack: Okay.

Kalinka: Our friends are the Parrs.

Preston: Achoo!

Tracy: Preston!

Preston: What? All I did was sneeze at the funny name! You can't hate me for that!

Michael: A little late for that, it seems...

Preston: Shut up, you fag.

Michael: Ty, he's being mean to me!

Everyone: Shh!

Kalinka: Their house was destroyed a little while ago, and they've been living with us since. Unfortunately, we apparently can't handle the burden and--

Dr. Cossack: Oh! The carnage! Get them out of my house! PLEASE I BEG YOU!! *Gets dragged off*

Kalinka: Thank you for your time. Bye-bye! *Off camera* You are so dead mister...

Dr. Cossack: Mercy...

Ty: *Puts the tape away* Okay, so here's the thing. We've got some fucked up people, with some even more fucked up guests. And we gotta build them a house, in less the seven days. Can we do this?!

Everyone: No!

Ty: Wrong answer, but I'll buy it! Let's go!!

Constance: Oh and Ty... you just cussed up the yin-yang.

Ty: Crap... Just, edit it out when we're done.

*The next day*

Ty: Okay, are we all ready?

Micheal: Ready, freddy! *Giggles*

Preston: God, do you ever shut up?

Ty: *Pulls out a speaker phone* GOOOOOD MORNING PARR AND COSSACK FAMILIES!!!!

*Half an hour later...*

Tracy: Got any nines?

Paul: Go fish. Now take off the top.

Tracy: Oh, fine...

Ty: God, where are they?

Preston: They probably sensed Micheal's gayness and ran off.

Micheal: Hey! Rainbows are good for you, ya know!

Dive: *Steps outside* Mail Man! What're you doing here with all these people?!

Ty: No, I'm not the Mail Man. I'm Ty, from Extreme Home Makeover!

Dive: Sorry, never heard of ya, and I don't watch those crappy designer shows.

Ring: *Jumps on Dive's head* I do! You're my hero! Can I have your autograph?

Ty: Sorry, but ever since my signed underwear was given away at an auction to a bunch of rabid fangirls, I don't do that anymore.

Ring and Dive: Eww....

Dr. Cossack: *Insanely high-pitched scream* You're here! You're here! You're finally here! Get them out! Get them out! Get them out!

Bob: So you guys must the Makeover guys, huh.... Nice to meet you. I'm Bob Parr, and this is my wife, Helen. Those are my kids, Violet, Dashill, and Jack Jack.

Ty: *Shakes hands with everyone* It's nice to meet you all! I promise we'll make the perfect home for all of you.

Bright: *Sniffs Preston* Joo smells like tacos!

Preston: Told ya they were retarded. Pay up.

Paul: Dang it all. Tracy, you can put the top down.

Everyone (except women (and Micheal)): Aw...

Ty: So here's what we're gonna do. We're going to send you all to Disney World.

Dr. Cossack: Woohoo!

Ty: ...The Parrs. Not you, Dr. Cossack.

Dr. Cossack: That wasn't me. That was Kalinka.

Kalinka: *Pulls out the rifle and points it at Cossack*

Dr. Cossack: Well crud.

Ty: So get in the limo! We'll be knockin' the house down shortly!

Dust: No offense... but what house?

Ty: Huh?

Constance: Their house was destroyed, remember?

Ty: Oh yeah... Well, where did you used to live?

Bob: In America.

Ty: You're kidding. We came to RUSSIA to do this, and you want us to go all the way BACK?

Ring: Never you fear, Ty! For I have brought a piece of the house with me! *Throws a rusty old nail on the ground*

Jack Jack: Naily!

Preston: Oh, this is just stupid. I'm leaving for this episode. Sorry, guys. *Leaves*

Ty: ...Doesn't matter. It'll have to make do.

Drill: Oh yeah, could build the house near here? Vi is my girlfriend and all...

Paige: Aw, how sweet. Don't worry, we'll build the house close! *Smiles*

Skull: *Goes blind*

Toad: Skull! You okay?

Skull: It... was just so... bright and ugly...

Bright: 'Scuse mah boy?

Ty: Right. Whatever. Parrs, just get in the limo.

*As the limo drives off, Ty takes the all ready constructed blue prints to a place about a half a mile away from the Cossack's*

Ty: Okay, okay. Let's get this over with. *Places the rusted nail on the ground*

Dive: Why are we still here?

Ring: For the demolition!

Dust: Demolition?

Ring: Oh yeah, of course. Each episode starts with demolishing the old house so they can build a new house on top of it.

Pharaoh: What house?! Last I checked, a nail didn't qualify for a stupid house!!

Ring: Meh, Ty'll think of something...

Ty: Damn straight I will. Drill, do you have the Parrs number? I forgot it since we were in a rush.

Drill: Sure thing.

Ty: Okay, cool. *Calls the Parrs*

Vi: Hello?

Ty: Hello, is this Violet?

Vi: Yes.

Ty: Okay, this is Ty. I would like you to turn on the plasma TV in the back of the limo, please.

Vi: *Turns on the TV* Hey! I see you!

Ty: Of course, that's because I have a camera with me. You can turn the phone off now.

Bob: What is he up to...?

Ty: You're about to find out, my friend. Watch that nail in the middle.

Jack Jack: Naily!

Ty: Since we don't have a real house, this will just have to make do. Are you guys ready?

Paul: I'm ready!

Micheal: Ooh! I'm ready too!! Heehee!

Paige: Good to go here!

Constance: Same here, Ty!

Tracy: Can we just get this over with? I have a facial at three.

Ty: All right then. FIRE THE NUKES!!!!!

Skull: Wait, did he just say--


Skull: *Blackened* ...Nukes?

Kalinka: Oh my.

Dr. Cossack: No! My labcoat is ruined! Now I'll have to buy another one by going on the Internet! Curse you all!


Bright: Hey, we be allz smellin' like tacos now! *Bites Ring's hand*

Ring: THE PAIN!! *Runs off and steps on a land mine* EVEN MORE PAIN!!!

Vi: Poor Ring Man.

Ty: Don't you worry about anything, Parrs! We'll build your house in less than seven days, or my name isn't Seymour Butts, and thank God it isn't!

Helen: *Turns the TV off*

Bob: Honey?

Helen: I think we're in trouble.

Jack Jack: Waah, Naily go boom! Waaaaaaaah!

Silent Bob: *Appears next Dash*

Dash: Whoa! Where did you come from?

Jay: *Appears next Helen* Don't worry, bitches, we're just here to find ourselves some clients to sell our joints to!

Silent Bob: *Nods*

Bob: *Sighs* Oh good God...

To be continued...

Cossack's Comrades

AM as
Drill Man
Sean as
Dust Man
Geoff as
Dive Man
  Keba as
Bright Babe
Err as
Skull Man
Rebel40000 as
Ring Man
Sergal as
Pharaoh Man
Dennis as
Toad Man


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