By Rebel40000 (Ring Man)
Narrator: So it's a brand new day at the Comrades' place. Lot's of crap happens, blah, blah, blah I need coffee.
*In the kitchen*
Dr. Cossack: Kalinka, could you pass me the salt?
Kalinka: Father, I don't have the salt.
Dr. Cossack: Then who has the salt?!
Bob: Sorry, Dr. Cossack, Jack Jack knocked it off the table. It should be below your feet.
Dr. Cossack: ...Wait, you want me to bend down, and waste perfectly good energy? Energy that I could be using to EAT?!?!
Bob: It's not that hard, doctor. Look, I'll even lift the table for you.
Dr. Cossack: No! I will not have it anymore!
Helen: *Walks in from the kitchen* What's going on?
Bob: Honey... I think we're about to get thrown out.
*At the Comrades*
Dash: Hey Pharaoh, you want to play some video games? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?!
Pharaoh: *Sleeping* Shut... up.......
Dash: But I'm bored!! Wake up! *Starts jumping on Pharaoh at an insane speed*
Pharaoh: *Wakes up and blasts Dash*
Dash: *At the door* You missed me you loser!
Pharaoh: Grr... DAMN YOU!!
*Pharaoh chases after Dash while throwing mulitple fireballs in an attempt to kill him. He eventually stops as Violet catches both of them*
Drill: Shibbie, Pharaoh, I never thought you were so good with kids!
Pharaoh: Oh, knock it off and get me out of here.
Vi: *Releases Pharaoh* Dash, your coming with me.
Dash: NO! I don't wanna! Lemme go!
Ring: Hey nows, you kids outta be playing somes tic-tac-toes...
Pharaoh: Shut up Ring.
Bob: *Knocks the door down* Kids, we're leaving.
Vi and Dash: Huh? But why?
Helen: Because Dr. Cossack is kicking us out.
Drill: Oh God dammit.
Dust: WHY LORD, WHY?!?!?!
Toad: I know how you feel, Dust. But I didn't think you'd take it so seriously.
Dust: Not that-- he knocked down the door again! I can't work like this! *runs off screaming*
Toad: God and I thought everyone else had problems.
*Dr. Cossack then comes downstairs, followed by Kalinka with a rifle in her hands*
Dr. Cossack: Uh, well. Good news. I decided to not kick you out.
Dr. Cossack: Instead I'll be kicking you out in a week.
Kalinka: Fortunately, FATHER *pokes Cossack with the rifle* took the liberty to call Extreme Home Makeover to build a new house. Isn't that right?
Dr. Cossack: Uh... yeah. I did. Heheheheh... *sweatdrop*
Helen: But that's out of a million other people with needs... What are the chances?
Toad: About a million to absolute zilch. Yep, your all screwed.
Silent Bob: *Nods in agreement*
Jay: Bob, get over here! We need to fucking get down to selling some joints again!
Silent Bob: *Runs off*
*At the Extreme Makeover bus, Ty views all of the entries*
Ty: Let's see... Man got eaten by dog... nope. Too boring. Lady and child set on fire. Did that last week. What's this? Oh, this looks cool! *Runs off to the front* Guys! We have a new family with new problems!
Micheal: Yay! Oh, can I see it Ty? Pleeeeease?
Ty: How about, fuck no, and get the hell away from me?
Paul: Psst, Ty. We're recording.
Ty: Shit! Um... Anyways, we've got this new job. Here it is. *Pops the tape in*
Dr. Cossack: Hi, I'm Dr. Cossack, and this is my lovely daughter, Kalinka.
Kalinka: *Loads a rifle* Nice to meet you all. This isn't for us, it's more for friends living with us.
Dr. Cossack: Oh yes... It's such a sad, sad tale... Where oh where should I begin?
Kalinka: Can it, and let me do the talking.
Dr. Cossack: Okay.
Kalinka: Our friends are the Parrs.
Preston: What? All I did was sneeze at the funny name! You can't hate me for that!
Michael: A little late for that, it seems...
Preston: Shut up, you fag.
Michael: Ty, he's being mean to me!
Kalinka: Their house was destroyed a little while ago, and they've been living with us since. Unfortunately, we apparently can't handle the burden and--
Dr. Cossack: Oh! The carnage! Get them out of my house! PLEASE I BEG YOU!! *Gets dragged off*
Kalinka: Thank you for your time. Bye-bye! *Off camera* You are so dead mister...
Dr. Cossack: Mercy...
Ty: *Puts the tape away* Okay, so here's the thing. We've got some fucked up people, with some even more fucked up guests. And we gotta build them a house, in less the seven days. Can we do this?!
Ty: Wrong answer, but I'll buy it! Let's go!!
Constance: Oh and Ty... you just cussed up the yin-yang.
Ty: Crap... Just, edit it out when we're done.
*The next day*
Ty: Okay, are we all ready?
Micheal: Ready, freddy! *Giggles*
Preston: God, do you ever shut up?
Ty: *Pulls out a speaker phone* GOOOOOD MORNING PARR AND COSSACK FAMILIES!!!!
*Half an hour later...*
Tracy: Got any nines?
Paul: Go fish. Now take off the top.
Tracy: Oh, fine...
Ty: God, where are they?
Preston: They probably sensed Micheal's gayness and ran off.
Micheal: Hey! Rainbows are good for you, ya know!
Dive: *Steps outside* Mail Man! What're you doing here with all these people?!
Ty: No, I'm not the Mail Man. I'm Ty, from Extreme Home Makeover!
Dive: Sorry, never heard of ya, and I don't watch those crappy designer shows.
Ring: *Jumps on Dive's head* I do! You're my hero! Can I have your autograph?
Ty: Sorry, but ever since my signed underwear was given away at an auction to a bunch of rabid fangirls, I don't do that anymore.
Ring and Dive: Eww....
Dr. Cossack: *Insanely high-pitched scream* You're here! You're here! You're finally here! Get them out! Get them out! Get them out!
Bob: So you guys must the Makeover guys, huh.... Nice to meet you. I'm Bob Parr, and this is my wife, Helen. Those are my kids, Violet, Dashill, and Jack Jack.
Ty: *Shakes hands with everyone* It's nice to meet you all! I promise we'll make the perfect home for all of you.
Bright: *Sniffs Preston* Joo smells like tacos!
Preston: Told ya they were retarded. Pay up.
Paul: Dang it all. Tracy, you can put the top down.
Everyone (except women (and Micheal)): Aw...
Ty: So here's what we're gonna do. We're going to send you all to Disney World.
Dr. Cossack: Woohoo!
Ty: ...The Parrs. Not you, Dr. Cossack.
Dr. Cossack: That wasn't me. That was Kalinka.
Kalinka: *Pulls out the rifle and points it at Cossack*
Dr. Cossack: Well crud.
Ty: So get in the limo! We'll be knockin' the house down shortly!
Dust: No offense... but what house?
Constance: Their house was destroyed, remember?
Ty: Oh yeah... Well, where did you used to live?
Bob: In America.
Ty: You're kidding. We came to RUSSIA to do this, and you want us to go all the way BACK?
Ring: Never you fear, Ty! For I have brought a piece of the house with me! *Throws a rusty old nail on the ground*
Jack Jack: Naily!
Preston: Oh, this is just stupid. I'm leaving for this episode. Sorry, guys. *Leaves*
Ty: ...Doesn't matter. It'll have to make do.
Drill: Oh yeah, could build the house near here? Vi is my girlfriend and all...
Paige: Aw, how sweet. Don't worry, we'll build the house close! *Smiles*
Skull: *Goes blind*
Toad: Skull! You okay?
Skull: It... was just so... bright and ugly...
Bright: 'Scuse mah boy?
Ty: Right. Whatever. Parrs, just get in the limo.
*As the limo drives off, Ty takes the all ready constructed blue prints to a place about a half a mile away from the Cossack's*
Ty: Okay, okay. Let's get this over with. *Places the rusted nail on the ground*
Dive: Why are we still here?
Ring: For the demolition!
Ring: Oh yeah, of course. Each episode starts with demolishing the old house so they can build a new house on top of it.
Pharaoh: What house?! Last I checked, a nail didn't qualify for a stupid house!!
Ring: Meh, Ty'll think of something...
Ty: Damn straight I will. Drill, do you have the Parrs number? I forgot it since we were in a rush.
Drill: Sure thing.
Ty: Okay, cool. *Calls the Parrs*
Ty: Hello, is this Violet?
Ty: Okay, this is Ty. I would like you to turn on the plasma TV in the back of the limo, please.
Vi: *Turns on the TV* Hey! I see you!
Ty: Of course, that's because I have a camera with me. You can turn the phone off now.
Bob: What is he up to...?
Ty: You're about to find out, my friend. Watch that nail in the middle.
Jack Jack: Naily!
Ty: Since we don't have a real house, this will just have to make do. Are you guys ready?
Paul: I'm ready!
Micheal: Ooh! I'm ready too!! Heehee!
Paige: Good to go here!
Constance: Same here, Ty!
Tracy: Can we just get this over with? I have a facial at three.
Ty: All right then. FIRE THE NUKES!!!!!
Skull: Wait, did he just say--
Skull: *Blackened* ...Nukes?
Kalinka: Oh my.
Dr. Cossack: No! My labcoat is ruined! Now I'll have to buy another one by going on the Internet! Curse you all!
Ring: YEAH! YOU GO TY MY MAN!!
Bright: Hey, we be allz smellin' like tacos now! *Bites Ring's hand*
Ring: THE PAIN!! *Runs off and steps on a land mine* EVEN MORE PAIN!!!
Vi: Poor Ring Man.
Ty: Don't you worry about anything, Parrs! We'll build your house in less than seven days, or my name isn't Seymour Butts, and thank God it isn't!
Helen: *Turns the TV off*
Helen: I think we're in trouble.
Jack Jack: Waah, Naily go boom! Waaaaaaaah!
Silent Bob: *Appears next Dash*
Dash: Whoa! Where did you come from?
Jay: *Appears next Helen* Don't worry, bitches, we're just here to find ourselves some clients to sell our joints to!
Silent Bob: *Nods*
Bob: *Sighs* Oh good God...
To be continued...