Cossack's Comrades Alpha Season 4 Epilogue 18
BUYER BEWARE

By Geoff (Dive Man)

*Diveman and Toadman are busy playing a heated match of Super Mario Kart…

Toad: Sweet! I’ve got this race made in the shade!

Dive: Oh yeah, ya bastid?

*Diveman blasts Toadman with a red turtle shell, sending him hurtling into the sky*

Toad: Nooooo! You dickhead!

Dive: *crosses the finish line* Ahahahahahaha!! I’m-a-Geoff! I’m-a-gonna win!

Drill: WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!

Toad: …Playing Mario Kart. Everyone does it.

Dust: Yes they do…But not with a bunch of stolen cars!!

*Dustman motions to a line of wrecked, smoldering cars Dive and Toad destroyed in a flurry of turtle shells*

Pertwee: *steps out of his house* Indeed! *points at Diveman* That’s my car you’re driving you SAVAGE!

Dive: Alright, alright, don’ get yer panties ina bunch…

*Dive uses a mushroom and jumps out of Pertwee’s car, sending it rocketing into Pertwee’s living room.

CRAAASSHH!!

Pertwee: ...I…You…S-S-SAVAGES!!! *quivers in impotent rage*

Dive: Okay seriously, that’s a helluva lot more fun! Anyone else wanna give it a bash?

Drill: Dive!

Toad: You’re on!

Drill: Toad!

Skull: Desire to play: piqued.

BB: I’m in!

Drill: What the hell?!

BB: What? That little twerp’s had it coming ever since he moved in.

Dive: Alright. Everyone grab some ‘shrooms ‘n a car. ‘N make it snappy!

*Skullman approaches and yellow and purple jeep, only for it to transform into a grinning Decepticon

BB: What the-?!

Swindle: Dive! How’s it hanging there, old pal?

Dive: Argh! Beat it, Ron Popeil! I don’ need ta beat anythin’ outta ya right now! *drinks*

Swindle: *puts his hand on Dive’s flask* Not so fast there, compadre. Remember our little IOU?

Dive: Ya mean the favor I’ll repay two weeks pas’ never?

Swindle: That’s the one! Anyway, I’m offering you the golden opportunity to make good on it. I-

Dive: Pass.

Swindle: Buddy, did I sound like I was asking?

*Swindle pulls out a syringe-like gun and trains it on Dive’s head*

Dive: What tha shit is this?!

Swindle: Hey now, it seemed like a good idea to hold onto those cerebero shells the Panzerkons got from Bombshell.

Dive: …Asshole…

Swindle: Look, rain or shine, you’re working for me. Personally, I’d rather have a surly, tough-as-nails brawler backing me than just some cerebero-shell-controlled wind-up toy. But hey, that’s your call.

Dive: …When I said I hated ya, I meant it.

Swindle: I’ll take that as a yes. *shakes Dive’s hand* Welcome aboard to SwindleCo! You’re not going to regret this!

*later, at a cruddy warehouse, Diveman is sitting at a desk, drinking heavily out of his flask…

Dive: *praying* Dear God...ya realize I’m gonna bus’ yer skull open fer this, ya prick…

Swindle: Ah, lighten up! It's not like I'm asking to do that much!

Dive: Oh, really...?

Swindle: Yeah, it's just a little customer service. Just sit on your keister, get drunk, and beat up the occasional jerk looking for trouble. You're already doing two-thirds of that!

Dive: ...I never needed ta be yer endenshurd servant ta do any o' that.

Swindle: Oh, come on! Think about it! Even if you do get an angry customer or two, what's the worst they can do? Their guns are busted! That's why they're talking to you!

Dive: ...I guess..

Swindle: Right on! Oh, here’s our first customer! *tosses Dive a beer* Just sit back, relax, and I’ll do all the rest!

*Crorq angrily bursts into the warehouse and tromps towards Swindle with Shadowman and Needlegal in tow.

Swindle: Good morning, Crorq old pal. Life treating you alright?

Crorq: Silence, Infidel!! Those "newer" Special Forces you sold me were worthless! Gablahblahblahblahblah!! *throws a Wendy’s Baconator at Needlegal*

Swindle: Oh come on, don’t be like that Crorq, old pal. Those Special Forces-

Crorq: -Were dispatched with a headshots!! Headshots, I tell you! What kind of Gamma Armors go down from headshots?!

Swindle: Ouch, tough break. But I’m ‘fraid I don’t give refunds. You’ve always been a swell customer, but I can’t give you any exceptions.

Crorq: Infidel! Crorq the Magnificent is above store policy! Gablahblahblahblahblah!! *throws a D’angello’s Steak Bomb at Needlegal

Swindle: Oh, customer service? Why aren’t you addressing this customer’s concerns?!

Dive: Grrr…*gets up* Look Jabba, ya heard tha man. Why don’ ya ‘n yer pet Shinobi get bent?

Crorq: Infidel! That is no way to address the glorious and magnanimous Crorq! Shadowman teach him some respect!

Shadow: …Your wish is my disappointment, sir.

*Shadowman tosses a handful of shadow blades as Diveman retaliates with his gattling gun. Later…

Swindle: So, how did it go?

Dive: Swell. *pulls a shadow blade out of his eye* Totally didn’ need any help or anythin’!

Swindle: Hey now, no need to be so nasty! You just had a bad day, that’s all. Most of my deals are as a smooth as a baby’s bottom.

Dive: Tell that to those guys.

*Diveman motions to a pair of gentlemen who storm into the warehouse and march towards Diveman

Jack Vulcan: Yeah, you know where I can find the little twerp who sold me this? *holds up an “Engetsu MK II, not a glue gun!”*

Walter Garland: And the one who sold me that “slightly used” Saiga-12 shotgun?!

Swindle: *whispers* That’s your cue, Dive, old buddy! You’re doing great, by the way!

Dive: Ugh…Look buddy, no one wants ta bash Swindle’s head in more ‘an me, but-

Walter: Blah, blah, blah!! Give us our money back!

Dive: Sigh…Sorry, we don’t give refunds, right boss?

…

Dive: …Goddamnit, Swindle…

Jack Vulcan: Alright, you’re asking for it…

*Vulcan snaps his fingers and the rest of his team show up, brandishing their respective weapons. One brutal fight later…*

Dive: Ugghh…Mad Max’s new team’s TOUGH! They don’ play aroun’…

*Congratulations, you’ve just witnessed a purely blatant, gratuitous promo for Ascendant Androids, launching any day now!

Swindle: C’mon! You beat Captain Napalmman up singlehanded! Twice! Those guys should’ve been cake!

*Suddenly, Artilleryman blasts into the warehouse!

Artilleryman: Are you going to pay me for the last shipment I "delivered", or what?! I’ve had enough of that kind of shit as it is!

Swindle: Knock ‘em dead, tiger! *runs off*

Dive: Oh, god…

*later…

Magnetman: *firing magnet missiles* You said that CZ-70 was authentic!

*later…

Dr. Claw: At last you’ll pay for those shoddy repairs you made on my Mad Plane!

*later…

Toad: *brandishes a rain flush grenade* That discount fusion canon I bought the other week doesn’t work for crap!

*three weeks later, Swindle slinks back into the warehouse and finds Diveman, badly bruised and missing an eye and an arm from the last set of customers.*

Swindle: Well look at that! You live to fight another day! What a trooper!

Dive: Bite me. How tha hell do ya manage ta piss off more people than me?!

Swindle: Last I checked, that’s not my problem. You’re the one who has to deal with them.

Dive: *raises fist* Ya little-!

Swindle: *wags finger* Don’t forget, I’ve got a cerebero-shell with your name on it!

*suddenly, the Comrades pile through the warehouse door!

Drill: Dive! You in here?!

Dive: *shoves Swindle aside* Bossman?! Man, yer a sight fer sore eyes!

Dust: Dive! The Decepticons have got Cossack! And-

Dive: Say no more! Let’s bail!

Swindle: Hate to break up this tearful reunion, but Dive’s still got a few months on his debt, give or take a few decades.

Dive: Up yours, Akbar! I’m outta here! Ya can’ cerebero shell us all!

Swindle: Nope. But my superior linguistic skills will do just fine.

Skull: I’d like to see you try.

*later…

Ring: Welcome to SwindleCo! How may I assist you, today?

Drill: We’ve got everything you’ll ever need and then some! Right now, we’re having a two-for-one sale on electro disrupters!

Toad: Do you want those XM500s on debit or credit?

Pharaoh: …Wait a minute, how’d Swindle get us to do this?

Dive: Let’s go as’ him!

*the Comrades burst into Swindle’s office and find him sprawled out on gilded couch being fanned by BB and sipping a smoothie

Swindle: Now what do you guys think you’re doing? You’ve had your five minute breaks!

Dive: Look asswipe, cerebero shells or no, we’re outta here! C'mon, BB!

Swindle: If I had a nickel every time I heard you all say that…Do I have to feed you all the same linguistically-superior same speech again? It’s been a long month.

*The Comrades each notice someone tapping on their shoulders and turn around, only to be blown away in a hail of heavy gunfire!

Walter: Remember us, dirtbags?!

Swindle: What in the-Why are you guys shopping here again? You got gypped the last time!

Jack Vulcan: There was a sale on the new Chinese Democracy soundtrack, okay?

Walter: But that don’t mean you’re off the hook for that Saiga-12 snafu!

Swindle: *edges toward door* Well, my customer service representatives would be happy to address any concerns you all may have!

…

Swindle: …Uh…guys…?

*Swindle glances over at the CC, only to find they're too battered to get up

Walter: Get him!

*Vulcan and friends lay into Swindle with their respective weapons, blowing him to pieces.

Jack Vulcan: …Feeling better?

Walter: Absolutely. Let’s roll.

*Vulcan and friends leave, marking the end of another gratuitous Ascendant Androids cameo, debuting any day now. We mean it. As they leave…

Pharaoh: *covering face* …Ow, Vulcan’s new team really does mean business!

Dive: *leaking fluids* No one cares. Now let’s bail already!

*as the battered comrades turn to leave, Swindle coughs and wheezes behind them

Swindle: Uh, little help…?

Dive: *grins wickedly* Heheh, who owes who, now asswipe?

*later…*

Kalinka: How was that stint with Swindle?

Ring: Don’t ask.

Drill: How’d you escape from the Decepticons?

Cossack: We did some things…I did some things…that I’m not terribly proud of…Anyway, why did Dive have me rebuild Swindle?

Pharaoh: Again, don’t ask.

*meanwhile, outside…

Toad: Ten bucks says you can’t launch him up to the second floor.

Swindle: *in jeep mode, badly dented* ...No…no more…

Dive: *reels Swindle in with a tow cable* Yer on!

*Dive uses a mushroom and sends Swindle hurtling up a ramp and crashing through the roof of Pertwee’s garage*

BAAMM!!

BB: Ouch, too bad, Dive.

Pertwee: …YOU SAVAGES!! I’m calling the police!!

Dive: Go ahead! We’ll jus’ launch their cars inta yer house, too!

Skull: In the mean time, I guess we’ll have to try this again…

Fin!

Cossack's Comrades
AM as Drill Man		Sean as Dust Man		Geoff as Dive Man
	Jet as Bright Babe		Hunter as Skull Man
John as Ring Man		Jade as Pharaoh Man		Regulus as Toad Man