Cossack's Comrades

Canto IV: Gluttony

*Dante and Virgil both climb down chains descending into the next circle of Hell. Dante has countless g-strings and panties overflowing out of his coat pocket. Virgil is covered head-to-toe in jockstraps.

Dante: Well, I know where I’m spendin’ my honeymoon once I get Beatrice back.

Virgil: ...I need hot a shower…

*As Dante and Virgil descend out of Lust, the raging storm around them begins to die down. However, an icy rain begins to drizzle over them.

Dante: Say, Virg. Stop me if this sounds crazy, but do ya have the strange naggin’ feelin’ this is somehow my fault?

Virgil: Because it is your fault?

Dante: Cool, ya know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. But I know that this coulda happened to anyone.

Virgil: Anyone whose lover made a deal with the Devil that her lover would be true to her, only to find out that he wasn’t.

Dante:See? Yer catchin’ on. No use beatin’ myself up about it.

Virgil: ...I see the last dime hasn’t fallen in place yet.

*The icy rain turns into a downpour as the pair enter a filthy valley. The flesh-colored landscape is made up of various digestive organs, adorned with random eyes and mouths and covered in filth. A rust-red smog fills the sickly-yellow skies. The smell of human waste and mud is almost overpowering, as Dante spies several rotund shades eating anything they get their hands on.

Glutton Chewer: All the succulent DNA I could ever want! And it’s MIIINNNEE!!

Glutton: Mmmmm...Don’t throw it out!! I’ll eat it all!!

Virgil: In case you haven’t figured it out, this is the circle of Gluttony. In this circle lie the Gluttons. What they couldn’t satisfy in life, they shall be denied for eternity.

*As Dante watches the shades, he flashes back to two years ago, as he gulps down pint after pint of Duff while wearing a beer-dispensing helmet and holding beers in each hand.

Dante: Twwooo huntret digggreeess, thaaaat’s whhhyy dey caaaall me mistah fawennight!! I’mmmm traaavvellin’ atta sppeeed o liiiight!!! *throws a brick into a random window*

Francesco: Dante! What’s gotten into you??

Dante: Who made ya a priest?!

*The scene changes, as Dante finds himself ten years old, watching his father stumble down the street.

Allighiero: *smoking eight joints at once* They stone you in Laundromats! They stone you in the bakeerry!! Hee-heee!

Dante: ….Daddy?

Allighiero: Who made you a priest?!

*Present time.

Dante: Man, that was nuthin’ compared to the the time I went to Longhorn Steakhouse!

*Dante flashes back to a night he was in a Longhorn Steakhouse two years ago.

Dante: That was some damn good steak.

Francesco: I still can’t believe you let them charge you $25 for one filet. You know they're using that money to fund their takeover of the Persian Gulf!

Dante: Well, they must be losin’ big time. ‘Cuz, I’m still hungry.

*Dante notices another man getting a steak. Whistling to himself, he snatches it off the man’s table and starts shoving down his throat.

Guest: Excuse me! Have you lost your mind?!

Dante: Who made ya a priest?!

*Present time.

Virgil: …Okay, we get the idea.

Dante: There was also the time when I downed that Thanksgiving feast by myself.

*Two years ago, Dante is eating Thanksgiving dinner in front of a bunch of starving orphans.

Little Billy: Please mister, can’t we have just one bite? I haven’t eaten anything in days…

Dante: *slaps kid* Get yer own, ya brat!

Francesco: Dante, how could you?!

Dante: Who made ya a priest?!

*Present time.

Virgil: …Seriously, Dante. You’ve made your point.

Dante: Oh! Can’ forget ‘bout the time when I drank Ciacco under tha table!

*Dante flashes back to a night he and Ciacco were out drinkin’

Dante: Round 49! You ‘n me, Jacky!

Ciacco: Ughhh…I don’t feel so good…*passes out*

Dante: Yeehaw!! Still undefeated champion!

Francesco: Dante, he’s dead! You gave him alcohol poisoning!

Dante: All parta the plan!

Francesco: Why am I still hanging out with you?!

Dante: Who made ya a priest?!

*Present time

Virgil: DANTE!!

Dante: Alright, I’m goin’, I’m goin’!

*Dante and Virgil continue to the center of Gluttony. At the center of pit is a massive, blubberous, face-shaped body mired in the filth. Its mouth opens up to reveal multi-headed beast that seems to be nothing but a collection of mouths and maws.

Cereberus: INFIDELS!! Delicious, tasty infidels!! You should all be honored to feed the endless appetite of Cereberus the MAGNIFICENT!! GABLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!!

*Cereberus throws a half eaten Arby's Fish Sandwich that somehow hits Minos as she keeps falling through Hell.

Minos: Stop that! I’m having a bad day as it is!

Dante: So the next circle of Hell is past that pile of butter? Piece o' cake!

Glutton Chewer: Mmmm...Cake...

Glutton: Mmmmm...Butter...

Virgil: Uh, Dante I wouldn't go near that thing if I were you.

Dante: Why the hell not?

*Virgil points over at a shade wandering in front of Cereberus. As soon as it walks in front of him, his jaws open wide and devour him whole. It then lashes out with a long, tentacle-like tongue that ensnares another shade a good hundred feet away and pulls him inside Cereberus's voracious maw.

Glutton Chewer: Noooooo!!

Cereberus: Kyaahaha!! What a delight it must be for you miserable insects to be a meal for the amazing spectacular CEREBERUS!!

Dante: I dunno what’s worse. Getting eaten alive, or getting eaten alive by that freak.

*Another shade tries to sneak around Cereberus as he devours the glutton. But another one of Cereberus's maws reaches out from underneath the muck and devours him instantly.

Dante: Well, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

*Dante pulls out his cross cannon and fires several shots at Cereberus. But each shot just bounces off his blubbery hide.

Cereberus: You arrogant worm! You dare strike the glorious Cereberus?! Such a misdeed shall not go unpunished! I command you to crawl into my mouth this instant!

Dante: Uh-oh...

*Cereberus sends several tentacles at Dante, each of them opening up, revealing toothed maws.

Dante: Great. All I did was get his attention.

*Dante hacks several tentacles to pieces, but several more spawn in their place. Overwhelmed, Dante quickly falls back. However, his route is cut off as several more mawed tentacles emerge from beneath the ground and expand wide enough to swallow him whole.

Cereberus: Worthless cretin! I order you to hold still! I ORDER YOU!!

Dante: Gah!! Fuck off, Jabba the Hutt!

*Dante stuffs his cross cannon down a tentacle's throat and blows it to pieces. He then slices several more tentacles in one broad swing. But they don't relent. As he fights, he feels something grab his ankle and pull into a filthy mud pit.

Dante: GAHH!!

*As soon as he's pulled under, he finds another shade down in the pit with him.

Ciacco: Shhhhh...

Cereberus: IMPOSSIBLE!! No infidel has ever escaped my MAGNIFICENT appetite!! Wherever you’re hiding, step out this instant! I command you! This is all time I could spend feasting on you for all eternity!

....

Cereberus: BAH!! Cowardly little wretch! I’ll find you, even if I have to means devouring this entire circle!! GABLAHBLAHBLAH!!

*Cereberus throws a sausage mcmuffin at Minos off in the distance as he starts devouring gluttons left and right in a fit of rage. As well as some of his own severed tentacles.

Dante: How'd he not find me down here?

Ciacco: He usually doesn't think to check in these pits. Not when there's dozens of other gluttons wandering around above us. After all, gluttons are cast down here just about every waking hour, so there’s plenty to keep him occupied. Not to mention all the fast food he can just produce at the drop of-

Dante: I get the picture. Hey, wait a minute. Ciacco?? Is that you? Ah shit! What are the odds running into ya down here?

Ciacco: ...Pretty good. I was a glutton in life. My name actually means ‘Hog’. I could not make that up.

Virgil: What parent in the right mind would name their kid that?

Ciacco: My mom tells me it was because I was big on breast milk as an infant...And again, when I was 20.

Dante: Good to know. Seriously though, yer bein’ a real good sport ‘bout me makin’ ya drink yerself to death. We cool ‘bout that?

Ciacco: I spend every waking hour hiding in mud and Cereberus crap so that I don’t get eaten alive. Do I look like I’m enjoying myself??

Dante: So why’d ya save me, then?

Ciacco: So I could devour you myself!!

*Ciacco's jaw unhinges as he tries to swallow Dante whole. But Dante just punches him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

Ciacco: ...Shutting up...

Dante: Alright, I can't stay down here forever. There's gotta be a way 'round Orson Welles over there. C'mon Virgil. Help me out here.

Virgil: We could feed him mud.

...

Dante: ...Mud.

Virgil: Yes. Once we fill Cereberus's maws with it, he'll lose his appetite and you can just walk right by him into the next circle of Hell-*elbows Ciacco* Stop gnawing on my arm!

Ciacco: Sorry.

...

Dante: You wanna feed him mud.

Ciacco: This is Gluttony. You'd be surprised what and who people are willing to eat around here. I'm speaking from personal experience.

Dante: Have you ever seen him EATING mud...?

Virgil: ...No...

Ciacco: Actually, it doesn't even taste that good.

Dante: Have ya ever seen him get full...?

Virgil: ...Well, he's the living embodiment of gluttony. He's been devouring gluttons ever since I got here. And I never once saw him even take a bathroom break.

...

Virgil: That’s not going to work, is it?

Ciacco: Well, how about this: with the right materials, I could modify your holy cannon so that it can satiate his appetite while putting him to sleep. All I'd need is some unobtanium, a few drops of solanum, perhaps some electrum for good measure-

Dante: Okay, okay. Just gimme a list, 'n I'll pick up whatever ya need.

Ciacco: Dante, I guess what we're trying to say is, look around you. There’s nothing but filth, vile slush and human/Cereberus excrement as far as the eye can see! Mud’s the best we’ve got to work with! Honestly, where do you think you're going to find some unobtanium in this dump?!

Dante: Fine, fine! Don' be smartasses!

*Suddenly, a light goes off in Dante’s head as he smiles deviously.

Dante: Wait a minute, hold on. All we need is to feed him a chill pill, right?

Virgil: In essence, yes. Why do you ask?

*Dante laughs as he opens up a secret compartment in his cross cannon. He pulls out a bottle of Francesco's meds.

Dante: Haha!! I never thought I'd be so happy to have a crackpot as a brother-in-law!

Ciacco: Well, that's fortunate. How are you going to get close enough to feed it to him?

Dante: That's what we got ya for!

*Dante hands the pills to Ciacco, picks him up and throws him at Cereberus.

Ciacco: Dante, you creep!!

Cereberus: Stupid infidel! How dare you offer yourself up to me when I know you’re not the scumlicker I’m looking for!! For your arrogance, I shall tear the flesh from your bones!! GABLAHBLAHBLAH!!

*Cereberus snaps up Ciacco in his jaws and swallows him whole. But not forgetting to pelt Minos with a half-eaten glutton. Suddenly, Cereberus starts yawning and acting groggy.

Cereberus: Innnn...Fiiddeelllsss....Ga...blah...blah....blaaaaahhhh...

*Cereberus collapses in a heap, lying perfectly motionless. But not before throwing one last Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich at Minos. Virgil walks up to him and pokes him with his staff.

Virgil: I don't think he's breathing...

Dante: Really??

*Dante kicks Cereberus and jabs him with his scythe. But his body remains motionless.

Dante: Holy shit, just how strong are these meds??

*Dante pulls out another bottle and reads the label. It reads, "Industrial strength elephant tranquilizer. Take one bottle before breakfast.".

Dante: My god, yer bro's messed up, Beatrice;.

Virgil: Sigh...That was relatively painless…*glances at gnaw marks on arm* Come, Dante. You're one step closer to reaching Beatrice.

*As Virgil leads Dante to the next circle of Hell, Cereberus's corpse excretes a half-eaten glutton who almost immediately eyes the OD'ed monster.

Glutton Chewer: Hmmm...He looks like he has such delicious DNA...*points at Cereberus* Are you going to eat that?

Dante: .....

*Dante cuts off a portion of Cereberus's leg and eats it like a drumstick.

Dante: He's all yours.

Virgil: You sick bastard.

Dante: Hey, when in Rome!

*Dante takes another bite out of the Cereberus drumstick as he and Virgil exit Gluttony. Meanwhile, gluttons big and even bigger descend upon Cereberus's body and start devouring it.

Glutton: Mmmmm! Cereberus Flabber’s flesh is so succulent, the juices are running down my chin!

Glutton: Pass me some of the unobtanium!

Glutton: I don't know, you should try this with solanum!

Glutton: Or electrum.

End Canto IV

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