Cossack's Comrades

Canto V: Greed

*Dante and Virgil both climb down the massive chains leading to the next circle of Hell. The icy rain slowly dies down as the air no longer reeks of human and Cereberus filth.

Dante: Ugh! Finally! I can breathe again!! That dump smelled like ass!

Virgil: Well, I'm sure Gluttony if knew you were coming, they would've cleaned the place up ahead of time.

*As Dante and Virgil descend, the atmosphere around them becomes more mechanical. Spinning golden gears churn along the walls, hissing steam vents snake along the face of the cliff. and vats of molten gold bubble and boil beneath steel grates. More gold and treasure than Dante has ever seen blanket the pit.

Dante: Did I miss something? When did we get to Scrooge McDuck's Money Bin??

Virgil: Close, but waaay off, Dante. This is the fourth circle of Hell, Greed.

*As Dante reach the bottom of the chasm, they continue into a golden coliseum with a blood-red hue around it. Inside, they find a large circular ditch stretching as far as the eye can see. The ditch itself is divided into several smaller rings by several spinning walls, making it look like a living maze. Inside the "maze", are countless damned, their skin shines and glistens as though it was made of gold. Where their arms should be are heavy golden, fleshy sacks of jewels and treasure they drag along the ground as they aimlessly wander in and out of each ring, as the walls keep spinning like wheels. At the center of the circle is a towering golden statue.

Virgil: There is only a finite wealth in this world, and everyone you see here upset and misdirected the flow wealth for their own ends. Either by hoarding it or squandering on frivolous pleasures. And for letting the good of their fortune go to waste, here they must pay the price.

*Virgil points to a hoarder and a squanderer who've just run into each other in the spinning maze and start attacking each other for the other's treasure.

Hoarder: *smacks the Squanderer* Endless treasure! And it's all mine!!

*The squanderer spins his sack arms like a tornado, spilling treasure everywhere as he wallops the hoarder with each punch.

Squanderer: I've got plenty more to go around!!

*The squanderer keeps beating the hoarder senseless. But his sack-arm gets stuck in the spinning wall, tearing it off.

Squanderer: NOOO!!

Hoarder: To the victor go all the spoils!

*The hoarder starts racking up all the spilled treasure, up until his head gets crushed between the spinning wall.

Virgil: What a mockery is made of over the brief battle of possessions that make such short a life. Never realizing, that fortune is but a turning wheel taking as quickly as it gives-

*As Virgil pontificates, he notices Dante is missing.

Virgil: ...Uh, Dante...?

*Dante runs back to Virgil, his jacket bulging with treasure.

Dante: What did I miss? Anythin' important? Prolly not. Ya were still yammerin' when I got back.

*Virgil glances into the circle, and notices several beaten up and mutilated greed shades lying in a pool of their own blood, with their arms ripped open.

Hoarder: You fricking thief!! *points at Dante*

Hoarder: That treasure was mine!! Give it back!!

Virgil: Dante, the point to all of this is, doesn't this remind you of anything?

Dante: Uhhhh...No...?

Virgil: ...I'm sure it would, if you were capable of self-reflection.

Dante: Oh, wait! I think I got it! It reminds me of this sweetass Lamborghini Beatrice wanted to get! With all the cold hard cash I jus' pocketed this shithole, we can buy five of those 'em!! Thanks fer remindin' me!

Virgil: No, Dante. Not even close.

Dante: Oh, wait. Yer talkin' 'bout my past that I can still remember clear as a bell, 'n don' need to be reminded of 'cuz it made me the man I am now. Ya thing thing we cap 'n recappin' even though it ain't really fer my benefit. Is that what yer talkin' 'bout?

Virgil: Right on the money.

Dante: Shoulda been clearer, Virg. Okay, hang on.

*The scene changes to when Dante was ten years old, and watching his father visiting a farm belonging to some of the rebels he's sheltering from the RPD.

Allighiero: So, I trust things are going good here at the farm??

Peasant: I-It's going great! *forces himself to smile* We've got a couple crops of northern lights, some purple power that survived last winter, and some big buds that'll send you to fucking Mars, man!

Allighiero: Ah! Sounds like you've had a productive year!

Peasant: Very!

Allighiero: Great! Then you can make it all back in no time! *turns to his goons* Take it all!

Goon: You got it!

Peasant: But I needed all that to feed my family!

Allighiero: *smacks the peasant* Bah! I AM your family!! Your wife and kids are just along for the ride!! Be glad I let them stay at all!

*Later that night, Allighiero and his buddies are all high as a kite and smoking their ill-gotten gains.


Bella: Damnit, honey! Leave some for the rest of us!

Allighiero: *smacks Bella* Bah! I told you, woman! When I'm finished, you and Dante can have what's left! *smokes another joint*

Bella: But there's never anything left! There'll never be ANYTHING left!

Allighiero: So you finally figured it out! *smacks Bella again. Hard*

*Present time.

Virgil: ....Wow. That explains volumes about the psychopath you are now.


Virgil: ....Uh, Dante?

*Virgil notices Dante has slipped off again, gone back to beating up more greed shades and taking their treasure.

Virgil: DANTE!!

Dante: *scooping a fistful of treasure* Well whadda ya know?! Those flashbacks really are good for something! Kept yer ass busy, didn't it?! *hacks another hoarder's arms off*


*A squanderer rushes in and tries to take some of the treasure, but Dante crushes him in the spinning wall.

Squanderer: NOOOOOOO!!

Virgil: ...Alright, we're not getting anywhere, here. Can someone else take over?

*Suddenly, the towering gold statue at the center of the circle comes to life.

Plutus: Delighted to!

*The fallen, forgotten god of infinite wealth clears his throat before calling out to the damned.

Plutus: Pape Satan! Pape Satan, Aleppe!

*Instantly, all the fighting in the "arena" grinds to a halt.

Plutus: Hoarders and wasters alike! It is my great pleasure to give you the greatest match-up of all time! Who here is as pumped as I am??

Hoarder: *missing his arms* Oh god! My arms!!

Squanderer: *stuck in the wall from the waist down* Somebody get me out of here! Help!!

Plutus: So, without further ado, here, in the Waster's Corner, I give you the numbnuts who squandered the undying love of the purest soul in all of creation! Put your hands together for...Dante...!!

*The whole arena erupts into cheers and applause. Or rather, Plutus does. The greed shades are too busy writhing in pain or getting beaten up by Dante to notice.

Dante: Huh? What? Was someone talkin' ta me?

Plutus: And now, in the other corner, the man whose avarice knows no bounds! The man who put his family a very distant second after his wealth! There's no weed he won't plunder! There's no family he won't bleed dry! Your favorite hoarder and mine! Iiiitt's...Allligheroooo!!

*A bloated, hideously deformed shade that barely resembles Dante's father steps out onto the "arena" floor.

Allighiero: So you think you're a better man than your father! BAH!!

Dante: Damn straight! I've been absolved 'n everythin'! I'm only here onna technicality.

Allighiero: Well, you're in good company.

Dante: Well, how 'bout you?! Yer willin' to kill yer own flesh 'n blood. huh? I always knew ya were a sack of shit, but that's low! Even fer you!

Plutus: Of course he would! I promised him a thousand years free of torture and endless weed if he plays my little game. But wait, there's more! If he kills you in the next five mintues, I'll throw in an extra thousand years free of torture at no extra charge! Isn't that nice??

Dante: *glares at Allighiero* YOU FRICKIN' RAT!!

*Noticing the rage and betrayal in his son's eyes, Allighiero sighs and looks down at the floor, ashamed.

Allighiero: ...I've done lots of things I shouldn't be proud of. But betraying my own flesh and blood? ...No, even I couldn't do that. You can do whatever you want to me. This is where I-

*Dante abruptly slashes at Allighiero, spilling green, noxious blood everywhere!

Allighiero: AARRRRGGHHHH!!! What was that for?! Didn't you hear me?? I'm not going to fight you!!


*Allighiero desperately tries to defend himself as Dante keeps raining blows down upon him.

Allighiero: AGGGHHH!! Dante, please! I don't want you to make the same mistakes I made! If you just listen to me, I could save your soul!

Virgil: Oh, good luck! I've been tilting at that windmill forever now!

*Suddenly, the squanderer that lost its arm earlier notices Virgil and starts attacking him.

Squanderer: Hey!! This guy's got fresh treasure!!

Squanderer: Don't let him get away!!

*Swarms of hoarders and squanderers alike start swarming Virgil*


*Meanwhile, Dante is still beating his defenseless father to a pulp. As he keeps slashing at his bloated father in a fit of rage, some of Allighiero's green blood spurts on his face.


Allighiero: ....Uhhhhhhh, what?

Dante: Dido! *chuckles to himself* That's a funny sounding name fer a harlot, ain't it?? Teeheee! Dido!

*Suddenly, Dante drops his scythe and sits down on the ground, giggling to himself for no apparent reason.

Dante: Just look at all this sparkly treasure! They look like golden little twinkly stars!! ...I wonder what twinkly stars taste like??

*Dante grabs a stack of coins and starts eating them like potato chips.

Plutus: ...Did he just go crazy and start eating treasure...?

Allighiero: Bah! He's just tripping from all the weed I have in my blood! What a lightweight!

*As Dante giggles to himself like an idiot, Allighiero turns the tables and starts clobbering him with the sacks at the end of his arms.

Dante: Knock it off, dude! You're killing my buzz!

Allighiero: A bitter disappointment to the end! I try to reach out to you, and this is how you repay me? If I knew this was how you'd turn out, I would've stuffed you right back inside your mother like I told her I w-

*Before Allighiero can land the killing blow, he gets caught between the spinning walls and gets ground into a fine, green noxious paste. All that's left of him are sacks of weed that were once his arms.

Plutus: And we have a winner! By knock-out! There's nothing this man won't piss away before the ever-changing, ever-grinding wheel of fortune! Not even his own redemption! IIIIIIITTTT'SSSSSSSS DAAANNNNTTEEE!!!

Squanderer: ...Seemed awfully anti-climactic, to me.

Plutus: Don't spoil this for me. This is all I've got.


Plutus: ...Well, this was the high point of my day. Alright, Virg. I've got nothing on this guy. You two can just go on to the next circle.

Virgil: *on his knees* ...It's gone...All of it...They took it all...

Dante: *eating treasure* Whoa...I can like taste the richness of this place!

Plutus: Didn't you two hear me? I told you to get lost. Okay, fine. Maybe this'll light a fire under y'all's asses. CLEOPATRA'S DOWN HERE, AND SHE'S NAKED!

Dante and Virgil: WHERE?!

*Dante and Virgil snap out of their funks/buzz and look around for a second for the queen of carnal desires.

Dante: Aw, sonuva! Don't get my hopes up like that!!

Virgil: Yeah, seriously!

Plutus: Whatever. You two have worn out your welcome. Go, on. Scram.

*Dante and Virgil pick themselves up and saunter out of the deadly labyrinth/coliseum. But before they leave, Plutus appears in front of Dante.

Plutus: ...That treasure isn't yours to keep, you know.

Dante: Says who??

Plutus: Says the god of wealth?? Seriously, without all that treasure, this circle of hell loses all-

*Dante blows Plutus's head off with his cannon.

Dante: Yeah? Watch me.

*Dante turns back and kills a few more shades and takes their treasure, just out of petty spite. He flips off Plutus's headless corpse as he passes by.

Dante: Don't tell me how much treasure I can keep, ya Bill Gates wannabe. Oh! Almost forgot!

*Dante grabs the fleshy sacks stuffed with weed that used to be his father's arms and slings them over his shoulder.

Dante: These could come in handy later! Alright Virg, anything else we need to do, here?

Virgil: No, I'd say this place is already damaged beyond repair.

Dante: That's what I wanna hear.

*Dante and Virgil make their way to the chains connecting this circle of Hell to the next.

Virgil: ...I should've known you weren't going to learn anything if I took you to a dungeon that holds every last treasure in the known universe.

Dante: Hey, I learned plenty! I'll figure what the hell it was, later. *hands Virgil some treasure* Here ya go. Buy yerself sumthin' nice.

Virgil: Dante, there's nothing for me to spend all this money on! We're in Hell!! This treasure is worthless!!

Dante: 'Kay. I'll double it. *hands Virgil more treasure*

Virgil: Goddamnit, Dante! Would you stop and-*looks in his treasure hoarde* Ooh! Are those keys to a corvette? Good deal!

Dante: All 'n all, I'd say we made out like bandits.

Virgil: Tell me about it...Wait a minute...Wait...Is that a copy of 'Deep Cheerbot Loving' you got there...?

Dante: ....Nooooo....?

End Canto V


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