Cossack's Comrades

Canto III: Lust

*Dante’s descent ends on top of a rocky mountain. The mountains glow with a soft, dark, pink light and grow in various phallic shapes.

Virgil: Honestly, Dante. What possessed you road rage through the one corner of Hell that wasn't filled with depraved sinners?! And to top it off, you crashed Charon into my house!

Dante: Oh, boo-hoo! What's the big deal?! I toldja I was absolved! God can't touch me!

Virgil: I can't wait for you to find out how wrong you are.

Dante: So what? You're not gonna guide me through Hell anymore?

Virgil: Sigh...You and Beatrice BETTER put on a steamy performance, that's all I'm saying.

*Brutal winds start blowing in Dante’s face, as a relentless tempest descends upon mountainside. A bolt of lightning splits a mountain shaped like a camel toe. And Dante can see various shades blowing about in the wind, tossed about like toys.

Dante: Lovely place. What is this dump?

Virgil: This is Lust. Here dwell the carnal damned-

Dante: Lust?? Is this the place with all the hookers?

Virgil: ...Technically, yes.

Dante: I made it! I'm in Heaven!!

*Dante shoves Virgil aside and charges through the storm towards a curved, phallic tower. As he enters, he sees a fifty-foot woman clad in an extraordinarily modest, regal Egyptian attire that only partly covers her purple-toned body. She nimbly scales the tower, hugging it closely against her body as, a shade blowing about in the storm clobbers her upside the head.

Cleopatra: YAAAHHHH!!!

*Cleopatra plummets off the tower like boulder, hitting the bottom of the chasm with a resounding thud.

Cleopatra: ...I’m okay...

*Cleopatra climbs back up the tower and notices Dante standing at the entrance, her fiery yellow eyes piercing his.

Cleopatra: Hi there! I’m a real sex bomb. And stuff. C’mon! Aren’t I pretty…?

….

Cleopatra: Well, aren’t I…?

Dante: ...That dingbat’s the queen o’ Lust…? If she’s the best this circle’s got to offer, we’re in trouble.

Virgil: Be still, my beating heart...

Dante: *smacks Virgil upside the head* She’s outta yer league, man.

Virgil: Hey! I’m not taking this from you! I wrote pornos! I’ve seen booty in action you only dream about!

Cleopatra: Excuse me...Uh...The reason why I’m here is that uh...I’m told one of you knows who this belongs to?

*Cleopatra holds up a white tattered dress.

Dante: Beatrice?! She’s in there?! ‘N she’s nekkid?!! This place keeps gettin’ better ‘n better!

*Dante charges into the tower while Virgil looks up Cleopatra, nervously scratching the back of his head.

Virgil: So...Uh...I like...Long walks on the beach. And-

Dante: *grabs Virgil’s arm* C’mon, Virg! There’s gotta some gals down here ya know personally! Arencha gonna introduce a few of ‘em to yer ol’ pal Dante?

*Dante and Virgil both enter the tower. Inside, they find several barely-dressed harlots waiting for them and posing suggestively.

Helen of Troy: We’ve been waiting for you, Dante...

Semiramis: Forget about Beatrice, Dante. We know what you really want…

Francesca da Rimini: Oh, hey Virgil! Who's the stud? How about he and I recreate the scene where Aeneas did the piledriver on Camilla in the empty bar?

Virgil: Not now, Francesca! We’ve got other things to worry about right now!

*Dante smiles and nods as he marvels at all the loose women fawning over him.

Dante: Hmmmm…Ya know, ya gals don’ look half bad. Maybe I can talk Beatrice inta threesum…Where is she anyway…?

Francesca da Rimini: I don’t know, on top of the tower? Let’s go with that. Don't worry about her. Let us show you a whole new world of pleasures...

Dante: Just a sec. Let’s see if I can get Beatrice in on this first.

Semiramis: No…Let us soothe you…We have much more experience than she does…*clings to Dante* You won’t regret it…

Dante: Inna minute, darrlin’. Jus’ wait here while I get my woman on board. We’ll talk ‘bout it later.

*As Dante humors the harlots, a fleshy portal opens up with Lucifer and Beatrice on a bed.

Dante: Beatrice!! Jus’ the gal I was lookin’ for!

*Dante sprints over towards Beatrice’s bed, but he’s restrained by all the Harlots.

Helen of Troy: Sorry, stud. But if you won’t have us, we’ll have you!

Lucifer: You see, my dear Beatrice? See how easily he broke your promise? You were just another piece of meat to satisfy his endless lust.

*Lucifer tries to put his arm around Beatrice, but she swats it aside.

Beatrice: Don’t touch me. Besides, he said he was going to talk to me about arranging a threesome. That shows he’s still thinking of me. And to be honest, Francesca does have a cute butt.

Lucifer: And what of the times when you weren’t there?

*Lucifer triggers a flashback from a month ago. Dante and Francesco are standing guard over dozens of captured RPD officers in stasis cells.

Prisoner: Please! We need food!

Prisoner 2: We haven’t seen a porno in days!

Prisoner 3: I haven't had a burn in two minutes! Just one joint, man!!

Prisoner 4: …..

Dante: *kicks Prisoner 4 in the gut* Pipe down, ya whiners. Ya heathens had it comin’!

Francesco: Dante, stop this! How are we supposed to use these prisoners to negotiate for immunity to the Shutdown Code if you keep beating them up?

Dante: I got better things I could be doin’ than babysittin’ these heathens! I could be liquored up 'n neck deep in heretic blood right now! Honestly, what else is there to do in here?

Slave Girl 1: Noble knight, I have a brother who is ill…If you release him…I’ll make it worth your while…*bares a shoulder*

Dante: GYAH!! Not wit those eyes! *shudders* That ain’t natural! But what tha hell. I’m feelin’ kinda frisky. Who else we got in tha lobster tank?

Slave Girl 2: How about me, my lord?

Dante: No.

Slave Girl 3: Perhaps me?

Dante: NO!

Slave Girl 4: I’ll comfort you…

Dante: Nice, try! Yer not even a chick!!

Slave Girl 5: I know what you need, noble knight…Release my brother, and I'll show you all kinds of untold pleasures…

Dante: That’s more like it! I’ll take this one ‘n that one over there *points to a dark-haired slave girl in the corner.

Francesco: Dante! Don’t do this! Think about what you’re doing!

Dante: What’s the big deal? The bishop already cleared the board of my sins.

Francesco: No, I mean, the dark-haired one is MY slavegirl, you moocher!

Slave Girl 6: Relax, I have you booked for 3:00. We’ll be done by then.

Dante: Not likely, sweetheart. C’mon! Follow me, ladies!

*Present time.

Dante: Yeah? What’s that got to do with anythin’?

Beatrice: You mean aside from your promise not to cheat on me?!

Dante: Well, duh. What I mean is, this is jus’ some lover’s spat! Since when did Hell, Lucifer or any o’ this bullshit have anythin’ to do with this?

Lucifer: Oh, so no one’s told you what my wager with Beatrice was? Well, let me be the first to tell you!

*One day after Dante leaves for the crusades, Beatrice is already on her knees praying.

Beatrice: Oh, merciful God in Heaven, please let my Dante come home safely. And preferably not smelling like some other woman’s perfume.

Lucifer: Hoho, how amusing. You honestly believe shouting a few devotionals to some abstract in the sky will save your beloved. That is precious.

*Beatrice bolts up and bares her jeweled wires.

Beatrice: You’re….!!

Lucifer: You know better than anyone that robots like him can’t be trusted. Why do you keep him in your prayers now that he’s gone?

Beatrice: Dante’s different. He may be a soulless construct who will never walk with God in the heavens. But he and I share an unbreakable bond. He’s the only man who loves me for the rabid bitch I am. I have more in common with him than I do with you. Go away.

Lucifer: Is that so? Let’s make an arrangement. If Dante remains true to his pledge, I will ensure his safe return.

...

Beatrice: ...He already cheated on me, didn’t he?

Lucifer: What…?

Beatrice: You obviously know something I don’t. Everyone knows the Devil doesn’t make a bet unless he knows he’s going to win. Just how dumb do you think I am? So what is it? Do you if he’s going to cheat on me? Or did he cheat on me already?

Lucifer: ...I never said he did either.

Beatrice: But you know he’s going to or already did. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Please tell me it’s at least with another woman. If he got so hammered, that he woke up in bed with a goat again, I’m going to break his neck.

Lucifer: Shouldn’t you be at least be a little worried he won’t come back?

Beatrice: Stop changing the subject. Besides, Dante can’t die out there! Not before I have a chance to kill him first!

Lucifer: No, relax! Dante hasn’t cheated on you. And as long as he stays faithful, I will make sure no harm will come of him.

Beatrice: What’s in it for you if he’s not…?

Lucifer: ...Then you belong to me. For all eternity.

Beatrice: No sale.

Lucifer: What?? Really??

Beatrice: Either he’s faithful to me, and I’ve got nothing to worry about. Or he isn’t, and you can have his two-timing backstabbing soul. Or whatever it is robots have that pass for a soul. Either way, I don’t have to prove anything to you.

Lucifer: You’d leave him just like that?

Beatrice: I said get lost!

……

Lucifer: PeoplewhoagreetoLucifersbargainsaywat.

Beatrice: What..? Oh! Son of a-! Seriously?!

Lucifer: Ha! That counts! That totally counts! Don’t worry, fair maiden. As long as Dante is faithful to you, he will be under my protection. Which gives him about...six seconds. Until next time…

*Lucifer vanishes back to Hell.

Beatrice: ...Idiot…He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

*Present Time.

Dante: What the hell were ya thinkin’?! Ya honestly thought ya could trust that demonic fart cloud?!

Beatrice: This wasn’t my idea, Dante! Not that it matters! I got dragged down here all the same! I’ll kill you!!

*Beatrice leaps off the bed, rushes over towards the harlots and tears them to shreds with her jeweled wire. She slams Dante against the wall and starts strangling him until Virgil and Lucifer pull her off of him.

Beatrice: NO!! Let me go!! I’m not through with him yet!!

*Beatrice wrestles free of Lucifer and starts choking Dante again until Virgil and Lucifer pry her off of him again.

Lucifer: Okay, I think we all just need to take a minute and calm down.

*Lucifer vanishes with Beatrice as she keeps struggling and snarling in his grasp. As soon as he leaves, Cleopatra rejoins Dante and Virgil in her smaller, human-sized form.

Cleopatra: Ouch. I’m sorry about what happened between you and Beatrice. But hey! I’ll make it up to you! You ready to have a good time, Dante?

Dante: Sure, why not?!

Virgil: What?? Dante, didn’t you learn anything??

Dante: Well, it’s not like I can get busted for breakin’ my vow twice.

Virgil: Dante, this is what got you in trouble in the first place! Besides, shouldn’t you be worried that Lucifer is busy doing unspeakable, horrible things to Beatrice right now?

Dante: Nah, she can take care o’ herself. But I’ve had to wait WAAAY too long fer me to get laid down here! ‘Specially if I’m in a place that’s supposed to be all ‘bout sex!

Virgil: Dante, you’re here for the soul of your beloved, not to chase demon skirt!

Dante: Oh, can it, Virg! Yer just sayin’ that ‘cuz ya wanna piece o’ Cleopatra, yerself!

Virgil: ...No...!

Cleopatra: ...I don’t know what you guys are talking about, but uh...I was just thinking we’d play Sonic the Hedgehog on Genesis, or watch internet movies, or something. With my boyfriend, you know?

Dante: Don’ lie to me Virg! Ya’ve been checkin’ her out ever since ya walked in here! Yer thinkin’ ‘bout castin’ her in one o’ yer skin flicks, arencha?

Virgil: D-don’t say that!

Cleopatra: This is getting really creepy.

Dante: I’m jus’ sayin’ it’d be sweet if it did. Imagine how steamy a threesome between her,me and Beatrice would be!

Virgil: NEVER! Besides, she is a delicate flower!

Cleopatra: Guys...I’m actually a virgin. I don’t know why I’m in this circle of Hell, either. I think Minos had a cold the day she judged me, or something.

Marc Antony: Sweetie, I think we should leave them alone. Let’s go watch a bad movie like ‘Delgo’ or something.

*Marc Antony softly puts his arms around Cleopatra and leads her away from the squabbling heroes.

Dante: Hey! That SOB’s moochin’ in on her!

Virgil: GET HIM!!

Cleopatra and Marc Antony: ...What…?

*Virgil charges towards Marc Antony and starts raining his fists down upon him.

Marc Antony: What the-? OWW! What’s this even all about?

Cleopatra: Hey!! Stop that! Get out of my house! Both of you!

Dante: C’mon, Virg! We’re gonna be all day at this rate. Let a pro show ya how it’s done!

*Dante pulls out his cross cannon and aims at Marc Antony. But Cleopatra runs out and tries to break Virgil and Marc Antony up as Dante lines up his shot and blows a hole in her chest.

Virgil and Marc Antony: NO!!

Dante: ...Oops. That wasn’t who I was aimin’ at…

Marc Antony: My beloved! Lucifer promised we’d always be togeth-

*Dante decaptitates Marc Antony with his scythe.

Dante: There, that’s more like it!!

*Dante holsters his weapons and glances down at Cleopatra’s corpse as it turns black and starts to putrify.

Dante: Weeelll Virg, I’ll leave ya two lovebirds alone. Toodles!

*Dante exits the room, leaving Virgil alone with Cleopatra. As soon as Virgil takes her hand in his, her body crumbles to ashes, leaving no trace. Meanwhile, in another corner of Hell...

Lucifer: Poor Beatrice...Isn’t a shame that your man isn’t who you thought he is?

*Lucifer runs his hands down Beatrice’s shoulder, but she backs away.

Beatrice: Keep your hands off of me!! This has NOTHING to do with you! I shouldn’t even be here!!

*Beatrice slaps Lucifer, but her hand passes through his shadowy form.

Lucifer: Hoho...Such passion...Such spirit...I shall enjoy breaking you…

*Lucifer lifts up Beatrice, rips her arms and legs off, lights her on fire and tosses her aside. After a few seconds of agonizing torture, her spirit returns to its pure state..

Beatrice: Wha...What…??

Lucifer: You cannot hurt me. This is but a shadow of my former self. Whereas I can make you suffer a thousand deaths!

Beatrice: RAAAGGHHH!!!

*Beatrice lays into her Lucifer with her razor sharp jewels and CQC. She grabs Lucifer by his jaw and forces him to look into her eyes.

Beatrice: Now you listen, and you listen GOOD. The only reason why I’m going to let you drag Dante through Hell is that it will teach him a lesson for cheating on me. But should he fall before he reaches me, I will spend the rest of your miserable existence making you wish for something as sweet as a million deaths!!

Lucifer: …!!

Beatrice: That’s right. You live because God let you live. I will NOT make the same mistake. I have all eternity to hunt you down and KILL you. But you will not die right away. No until I’ve taken EVERYTHING from you. And you cannot kill me. For I have already died. But I promise you, the last thing you will see before I split your skull like cheap lumber is my wire around your neck as I lead you through the nine circles like the worthless dog you are! Do I make MYSELF. CLEAR?!

Lucifer: *backs away with his arms up* ...Yes ma’am…

Beatrice: Stay the hell out of my sight.

*Lucifer backs away from Beatrice with his arms still up. Back in the Carnal Tower…

Virgil: You shot. Cleopatra. You actually shot Cleopatra.

Dante: The sun was in my eyes!

Virgil: The sun was in your eyes. In the middle of HELL?!

Dante: Ya say that like yer pissed at me or somethin’

Virgil: Pissed at you?? Dante, she was the last great ruler of ancient Egypt, and you blew a hole in her the size of a basketball!

Dante: Don' dress it up, Virg. If she were such an angel, she wouldn' be down here.

Virgil: ...That's true…

Dante: And wouldja say she was havin’ a banner day before I showed up?

Virgil: In Hell?? Yeah, right. And it’s not like her torment’s going to end just from you shooting her...

Dante: That’s right! She’ll be back to climbin’ penis-shaped towers like Donkey Kong in no time.

Virgil: ...That’s one way to look at it.

Dante: Damn stright! But ya know what’ll take yer mind off this? Booty time!

*Dante starts going up and down the tower, looking for more harlots.

Virgil: Oh, come on Dante! Is now the best time for this?

Dante: Piss on you! Ain’t no way I’m leavin’ a place called ‘Lust’ without gettin’ laid first! Yoo-hoo! Any harlots left that Beatrice didn’t kill?

Dido: She didn’t kill me.

Guinevere: Or me.

Dante: Good deal! Alright gals, show me whatcha got!

*Dante, Dido and Guinevere retire to another part of the tower, leaving Virgil alone.

Virgil: I wouldn’t be so pissed off if he at least left some harlots for me. But noooo...Sigh, who do I got left?

Paris: How about me? Horny harlots aren’t the only damned down here!

Achilles: Yeah, how come none of your flicks are ‘Guy Oriented’? If you know what I mean...

Virgil: Oh, HELL no.

*Virgil slowly finds himself cornered by every last guy stuck in Lust. Eventually, Virgil starts running as fast as he can as the guys start chasing after him.

Virgil: AGGGHH!!! NO! Get away from me!!

End Canto III

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