Cossack's Comrades Season 1 Epilogue 9
“Cool Toad!”

By Hunter (Skull Man)

(A run-down apartment near Volgograd, Russia. From the scorch marks and the debris, it seems to be the site of a recent battle.)

Drill Man : Secure the perimeter, people ! They could be still be here. Sean, keep on monitoring these computers. If I see so much as a GIF file loading itself, blow the thing up.

Dust Man : You have to admit, this invasion plan was pretty clever.

Skull Man : This particular extra-dimensional invader's civilization managed to develop Internet-based travel. Had Over-1 been slower in detecting their action, the world would be overrun with these so-called "Virtual Adepts".

Pharaoh Woman : Praise be to Osiris for having this attack happen right when we were around here !

Toad Man : And I totally helped ! Right, guys ?

Skull Man : *without looking at Flippy* You tripped and cried during all the fight.

Toad Man : Exactly, Skeleton Man ! My tactical genius led us all to victory !

Comrades : *ignore Flippy*

Toad Man : My brain power leaves you all in awe, I see. So, Hula Hoop Guy, what did you think of today's performance ?

Ring Man : Wha- ? Of all the stupid, useless -

Toad Man : "Agile" ? "Dashing" ? That's right !

Ring Man : You can't jump ! You can barely throw acid !

Toad Man : Oh, stop flattering me ! I know my moves are impressive, but still ...

Ring Man : And you're ugly to boot !

Toad Man : Yeah, I'm so handsome it's a criiii-me ~!

Ring Man : You know what ? You're officially uncool. To the Box with you.

Toad Man : Wh- ? I ... I'm not cool ?

...

Toad Man : I THOUGHT YOU LIKED MEEEEEEEEEEEEE !! *runs away*

Bright Babe : Um, John ? I think you were kind of harsh to Flippy here.

Ring Man : Huh ? *turns, revealing his DS* I was just talking about my stupid Croagunk here. Can't hold his own against that stupid Drowzee.

Bright Babe : ... The things I have to put up with ...

(Later, at the base...)

Toad Man : He thinks I'm not cool. And if he does, then everyone else does. Maybe this explains why they feel I am ... useless.

(Dramatic thunder !)

Toad Man : Comrades are a superstitious and impressionable lot. I must strike awe into their hearts ! I shall become a fashionable creature of the nightclubs ! I shall become ...

(Far away, a detonation can be heard.)

Toad Man : A cannonball ? Naaaah.

(And seconds later, a cool-looking person flies through the window !)

? : Duuuuude ...

Toad Man : Sir ? Sir ? You, the guy dressed like it's the 90s ! What happened ?

90s Kid : Duuuuude ! I ... I tried to open my vault full of Bloodpouch comics, and it turned out they still were THE BOMB !!

Toad Man : Oh.

90s Kid : They were literally the bomb, too, because of some bogus fermentation. I think I'm about to die from foil-covered paper shrapnel.

Toad Man : If there's anything I can do...

90s Kid : What's your name, dude ?

Toad Man : Flippy.

90s Kid : Then, Flippy, it is to you, old friend ... well, not that "old" but, y'know ... that I pass on the Shades of Radicalness, as they were passed on to me by Rob Liefeld.

Toad Man : But ... I'm not worthy !

90s Kid : Nor was I. But now, I must become one with 90s Heaven. Wear these ... till all ... are EXTREEEEEME !!! *dies*

Toad Man : Goodbye, cool kid. ... That's it ! That's an omen ! I shall become ... A COOL KID !!!

(Dramatic thunder !)

(The next morning, at breakfast...)

Kalinka : I'm a bit worried about Flippy. It really seemed like he was down in the dumps, yesterday.

Dive Man : Lit'rally or figurately ? Mind, I don't give a frak either way.

Nástenka: A bit more respect, Geoff ! He's family, whether you (or I) like it or not.

Drill Man : And we need him. Suppose the Soapmen finally attack ? We're doomed without his acid rain.

Gunker : Mining Comrade hasn't let go of his Mr Clean conspiracy ?

Drill Man : That baldy is too nice to be trusted.

Skull Man : I will wake him and drag him here. Gradual force will be applied if needed.

?: *walking through the door* Are you ready for a RADICAL day, dweebs ?

Dust Man : *stares at the newcomer* No ... No ! Nooooooo !!!

(Enter the new and improved Toad Man ! Featuring a leather jacket, shades, and a backwards cap !)

Toad Man : So what's today's program, Boss Queen ? *sits in a rude manner*

Pharaoh Woman : A worthy question, o Protector of Sewers ! We shall attend a meeting about-

Toad Man : Nah I don't care.

Pharaoh Woman : But ... But ... We will learn-

Toad Man : You see that toad ? Actually, it's a tood. Like, "too cool to be schooled". *lights himself a chocolate cigarette*

Dive Man : *under his breath* Poser.

Toad Man : Bah, you're all boring this cool toad. I'm gonna hang around. Smell ya later, guys ! *walks away*

Ring Man : ... The Hell did I witness ?

Dive Man : *slaps John* Manners, Ringo. That thing was bliss compared ta what I saw down there.

Bright Babe : Kalinka ? Is it some kind of bug he's suffering ?

Kalinka : Honestly, I'm not sure. Maybe he's entered his mental puberty ?

Dive Man : So, what gotcha screamin', Sean ?

Dust Man : His ... his eyes ... they're in his toad-costume's mouth ... do you know how mind-breakingly terrifying this is ?

Everyone present : *ponders this and recoils in disgust*

Ring Man : That's it. I'm gonna join the Fatal Five if I want to keep my sanity.

Dive Man : Seconded.

(At the same time in Murmansk...)

Riff : *shudders*

Staccato : What is the matter, mylord ?

Riff : For a moment, I felt as if things were going to get REAL bad for us.

Staccato : You mean, once Warpman joins us to breakfast ?

Warpman : I'm already here, Sir Dung-for-brains.

Riff : No, something worse. *shrugs* It's gone, now.

Karasû : *enters the room* Companions ! Serghei decided to organize a Bomberman tournament this week-end ! Are you in ?

The Fatal Five : YES !

(Now, back to the madness...)

Kalinka : No ! We are a team and a family ! We'll go through this together !

Bright Babe : After all, it can't be worse than when Flippy decided he was the new Doctor Wily, right ?

Drill Man : The repairman has it for us now... Never trusted him anyway...

Kalinka : We'll go through our planning as usual. That's my final word !

(A bit later that afternoon...)

Ring Man : Stupid Flippy, skipping his turn of taking the trash out ... *hears a spraying noise* Huh ?

(Apparently, Flippy was busy shaking his hand in front of the RPD base's back wall.)

Ring Man : What's the matter, now ?

Toad Man : I'm maxxing the place, yo !

Ring Man : "Maxing" what ?

Toad Man : "Maxxing" with two "X" ! Can't track up with the slang train, dad ?

Ring Man : And what is this maxxing ?

Toad Man : To put it for squares, I'm adding colour to the place ! Expressing my inner soul and stuff !

Ring Man : ... Really ?

Toad Man : ... No. I just wanted to paint "Toad Rules, Crorq Drools".

Ring Man : And yet the wall is devoid of that profound message.

Toad Man : Yeah. And for some reason my hand is coated with paint. Think the paint can is leaking ?

Ring Man : You ... you ... *facepalms* The nozzle is the wrong way.

Toad Man : Huh. *looks in the nozzle and sprays it* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH I'M BLIND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *runs away*

Ring Man : It will be a loooooong day.

Toad Man : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(Later...)

Over-1 : What you need to understand, Sean, is that this hyper-thaumic detector must be repaired ASAP ! What if the Virtual Adepts strike again ?

Dust Man : A fine point on other threats. However, what good is a magic detector against an enemy with technological abilities ?

Over-1 : I've learned over time that, for some dimensions, magic and hyper-technology are one and same.

Toad Man : *enters room* Aaaayy !

Over-1 : *without looking* Go away we're busy.

Toad Man : What's shaking, dudes ?

Dust Man : *averting his eyes from Flippy* Your nonsensical linguo aside, we are trying to repair this magic detector here.

Toad Man : That all ? Pffft, just let this cool-as-Hell frog handle it ! *snaps his fingers over the detector*

Detector : *does not work*

Toad Man : Hm. Not really righteous, man-machine- whatevs. *snaps his fingers again*

Detector : *still doesn't work*

Toad Man : Extreme measures, eh ? *slaps the device*

Detector : *persists in its inert state*

Toad Man : NO MACHINE RESISTS THE FONZIE FIX !!! *batters the poor detector*

Detector : *starts showering sparks*

Over-1 : *restrains Flippy* Do you understand what you're doing ?

Toad Man : I'm showin' that toaster who's the coolest cat around the 'hood, that's what. *lights himself a lollipop*

Over-1 : Delicate machinery - ruined by your greasy hands ! Out ! Ouuuut ! *aims his Buster at Flippy*

Toad Man : Pah ! This was totes lame anyway. *walks off in a supposedly cool way ... and trips on a wire* I'm okay !

Over-1 : *sighs* Please tell me we can at least salvage the device.

Dust Man : You'll be surprised, but ... he fixed it.

Over-1 : Huh. *checks the detector* True, that. One in a million chance, I'd say.

(After a while...)

Dive Man : Time fer smokes. Wanna one ?

Bright Babe : I don't smoke, Geoff. Besides, isn't that your twelth break of the day ?

Dive Man : Eh, hard-workers gotta wind down, Lite-Brite.

Toad Man : Yeah, right. Hard-working fools are being played by The Man, y'know.

(They turn to see Flippy awkwardly leaning on a wall.)

Dive Man : Oh, look, it's Mister "Ten times cooler'n zero".

Toad Man : Man, I'm, like, too cool to care about your insults, dig ? *lights himself a toothpick*

Bright Babe : Is that ...

Dive Man : ... shutter shades ? Eyup.

Toad Man : Yeah, I covered the old ones in paint. But whatevs. Time to fight against The Man.

Dive Man : What, Crorq ? Keep it fer when yer in Megalopolis.

Toad Man : THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE STOPPED ! *pulls the fire alarm* *gets zapped* AIEEEEEE !!

Bright Babe : Geoff, did you booby-trap that one again ?

Dive Man : Hmm ? Nah, th' pigs disabled and rigged it after I pulled it at 2 AM for three weeks in a row. Best week I ever had.

Toad Man : AAAAAAAAAAA WHY CAN'T I REMOVE MY HAND AAAAAAAAAAAA

Dive Man : On th' other hand, the layer o' superglue is my contribution.

Bright Babe : I think John was on to something with his plan to move to Murmansk...

(After the frog dried down...)

Toad Man : *still charred* If attitude can't get me respect, then I know what will : EXTREME TRICKS, YO !

(Picture, if you will, a near 200-pounds toad trying to grind and flip on a barely-rolling skate board.)

Skull Man : *staring* These figures, considering the aerodynamics involved, are near impossible. I predict a gruesome death by skate-impalement in the upcoming 30 seconds.

Pharaoh Woman : So, pray tell, noble guardian of the Underworld, why the camera ?

Skull Man : Kalinka mentioned a lack of funds. Sold to the right persons, namely "Funniest Home Videos", our income could raise in significant ways.

Pharaoh Woman : Ah. A stratagem worthy of Thot ... I guess ? Maat maybe ? Is Hermes an Egyptian god - well of course he is, I should know, I am their brethren after all...

Skull Man : *takes a second camera and aims it at Avi*

Toad Man : Check this out, squares ! *MAD GRINDINGS* And now, the totally tubular grand finale : DOUBLE DOG DARE HELIX FLIP DELUXE DUNK !!!

*CRASH!*

Skull Man : Astounding. It is physically impossible.

Pharaoh Woman : *in awe*

Toad Man : *has managed to insert himself in the court's basketball ring* Uh, little help, guys ? Which is what a RUBE would say. I'm totally cool, y'know. Fine. Really.

Alarm : *ringing*

Skull Man & Pharaoh Woman : *run off*

Toad Man : Weak.

(It's a new invader attack, in the suburbs of Moscow ! After a few minutes, the Comrades are in the place, but the fight is a complete onslaught !)

Drill Man : Team regrouped ? Alright. Wait, wheres's Flippy ?

Skull Man : Delayed.

Drill Man : No matter. *over comm* Over-1, what's the status on these attackers ?

Over-1 : It's weird. I suppose you're familiar with " steampunk", right ?

Drill Man : Yeah. Good cover for the neo-Illuminati.

Over-1 : Whatever. I guess these are " grungepunk" invaders. 90s-based technology. Neon-based camo and boom-blasters.

Ring Man : Literal boom-blasters, I guess ?

Invaders : BRING BACK THE NINETIES ! BRING BACK THE NINETIES !

Dive Man : We're surrounded and outgunned. Guess we'll all die. Again.

Drill Man : Comrades, it's been an honour to be with you. *points at Ring Man* Except for you.

Pharaoh Woman : Great Horus, grant your faithful servants a miracle !

(Apparently egyptian gods are super-hip, because reinforcements arrive !)

Bright Babe : *looks* It's ... Flippy. On his skateboard.

(Or they're just cruel.)

Toad Man : *arrives with a MAXIMUM DRIFT* Yo yo, what's groovin', homies ?

Dive Man : 'Least I'm ta die soon.

Invader 1 : Look ! The Prophet !

Invader 2 : He'll bring back the nineties !

Invaders : *bow to Flippy*

Toad Man : They ... they love me ! *tears up* They think I'm cool !

Invader 1 : What is your command, Prophet ?

Toad Man : Hmm ... Well, invading other worlds ? That's not bodacious. Like, not at all. You should, like, be groovy cats and party on, dudes ! Also, recycle TO THE EXTREME !

Invaders : EXTREEEEEME !

Toad Man : Nah but seriously peace out, dudes.

Invaders : We have rad-alicious commands from the Prophet ! He has spoken ! *warp out*

Drill Man : ... It's a conspiracy ! You planned this invasion only for us to think you're cool !

Toad Man : But ... But ...

Drill Man : Admit it !

? : Ay, stop laying it on the small guy, buddy.

(They turn to see...)

Comrades : Fonzie ?!

Fonzie : *raises his thumbs* Aaay ! Flippy, right ?

Toad Man : How do you know my name ?

Fonzie : I'm cool like that. And I think my friend here knows you.

Toad Man : *looks* 90s Kid !

90s Kid : Duuuuuude ! After you dropped my body in the garbage, I came back to life ! But I had been replaced by Breakdancer 90s Kid, 90s Alien Robot Kid, 90s Cyborg Kid and 90s Baby ! It was TOTALLY AWESOOOOOOME ! And I'd like my sunglasses back, please.

Toad Man : I can't ! How can I be cool without them ?

Fonzie : *puts his arm around Flippy's shoulders* Son, you must know the truth : being cool is not about wearing sunglasses, a leather jacket, riding a bike, or talking slang. It's about being a good person, respecting others and being there for your friends and your family. And what you just did, saving everyone ? That was the coolest.

Toad Man : Wow !

90s Kid : And remember, Flippy, we'll always be in your hearts. Also, I'm 90s Kid, and what you see, is what you get !

(Fonzie and 90s Kid then leave in a time machine, presumably back to 1957.)

Skull Man : This chain of events was highly illogical.

Toad Man : They were right ... I made a complete fool of myself -

Dive Man : -No more'n usual-

Toad Man : - when the coolness was inside me all along ! Now let's go home !

Drill Man : Sure.

Toad Man : I'll cook for everyone !

(The mass indigestion that followed was a nightmare.

But remember what the Fonz said : be a good guy, and you'll be cool.)

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THE END