Punch Drunk Vengeance

By Spark Man.exe

-Our story begins with Pharon and his brother Stuart, spending some vacation time at Castillo Park

Pharon: Hey! Good to see you bro! I was wondering if you'd show!

Stuart: Ah, I wouldn't miss this! So whatcha been up to?

Pharon: Ah, not much. Haven't gotten any job requests in Oceopia, so I figured no one would mind if I took time off from doing nothing.

Stuart: Yeah, well we're being run ragged trying to obtain some rare data.

Pharon: Hey, if you need an extra hand with that-*reaches into his pocket for a flyer*

Stuart: Nah, we won't be doing that.

Pharon: Too good for your bro, are you?

Stuart: It's just that-

????: Get outta my way ya wittle bashtards! BRAAAPPP! *plows through the two boys*

Cop: Police! Freeze! *barrels past and bashes the perp with a nightstick* Miss, I'm afraid I have to ask you to have to come with me.

Cop 2: *runs up to the first cop* You got her secured? Good. I've already contacted him. He should be down anytime now.

Lilly: Ah, what's yer friggin' pwobwem?! I washn't doin' nuthin'!

Cop 1: Miss, public intoxication is quite illegal. If you cooperate, we can get you some help.

Lilly: Screw ya! I dun't need no help frum anybudy! Slauncha! *kicks the first cop in the face and throws his semi-conscious body at the second cop and takes a swig of Duff* Now who elshe wantsh shome?! Huh?!

Stuart: This looks like a job for...

Pharon and Stuart: The Marsupial Brothers!!

(Pharon snatches one of the cops' nightstick, and dashes past Lilly, smacking her in the back of the head as he goes by)

Lilly: You again?!! Yer gonna hafta do bedder dan that!! Oh, I'm gonna enjoy dis! Slauncha! *takes a swig of Duff and quickly staggers toward Pharon*

Pharon: C'mon, you're probably seeing double of me! You're outnumbered!

Lilly: Yeah?! Well I got four fistsh for da both o' ya! *hic!*

Stuart: *grabs the other cop's nightstick*...Now! Ramming speed!

Pharon and Stuart: AHHHHHHH!!!

(Stuart and Pharon charge into Lily and slam into her on both sides, knocking her out cold, and spilling several empty Duff cans from her robe)

????:What's going on here?

Pharon: Who are you?

Graham Jones: Oh, excuse me. I am Graham Jones, the Head Priest of the Church of Wind. Officer Blackburn here *gestures to one of the unconscious cops* notified me of Lilly's...misbehavior and I got here as soon as I could. I fear that the rice whine has taken ahold of her again.

Stuart: ...Again..?!

Graham Jones: Sigh, I'm afraid so. She used to be the High Priestess once, but now she's innebriated and surly ever since the tournament last year. She should've been excommunicated a long time ago, but her friend Lan always talked the church out of it.

Stuart: What're you going to do with her?

Pharon: Screw that, what about us? *holds out hand expectantly*

Graham Jones: Don't worry about that. Her deeds won't go unpunished, and yours won't go unrewarded. My patience with her has reached its end. Rest assured, she will be excommunicated, whether Lan wishes it or not. And as for you, you did lend us your aid even though it wasn't your fight. *hands Pharon 2000 zenny* It's not much, but it's all I can spare at the moment. Thank you, and may Wind Man's blessing be with you. *leaves, dragging Lilly with him*

Pharon: Heh, I got more than that! *pulls Wind Man.exe's PET out*

Stuart: So what are you going to do with your share?

Pharon: I was thinking of getting that-Hey what do you mean my SHARE?!

Stuart: Hey man, that was a team effort! I deserve some of that dough! We can split it 75-25.

Pharon: Hey, who's the merc here?! I'm the freelancer, I do this for a living, so I need all this money more!

Stuart: And what? Us hackers don't?! *punches Pharon*

Pharon: You're asking for it. This sounds like a job for...ME!! *decks Stuart*

(meanwhile, at the Temple of Wind on Scissors Island...)

Lilly: Dat old goat can't get ridda me!! I'm twishe the Head Priest he ish! Oh, he'll pay for gibbing me da boot!

(grabing a can of duff in each hand, Lilly jumps through an open window and staggers into the kitchen)

Lilly: Awlwight! Gwaham's gonna be in for a helluva suwprise when da pwiestsh ged der dwinks ad dinnah! Slauncha! *takes a swig of her Duff and replaces the flasks in the fridge with flasks filled with S'more Schnapps before staggering back out the window.*

(that evening...)

Priest: Let us give thanks for the glorious day that the wind has provided. And let us also pray for our God's safe return from wherever prison he's being held.

Priests and Priestesses: May blessing of the wind god forever be our guide.

(After praying, the priests and priestesses all sip from their flasks. Meanwhile, at Graham's quarters...)

Graham Jones: *on his knees*...May the blessing of the wind god forever be my guide...

(just as Graham gets up, drunken shouting and hollering can be heard outside his door)

Graham Jones: ...What on Earth...?

(before Graham can think, the door is thrown open and a horde of drunk priests led by Lilly stagger in)

Graham Jones: What is the meaning of this?!

Priest 2: Put a sock in it ya sonuvabish! *clobbers Graham*

Graham Jones: *shoves the drunk priest aside* Get away! *grabs his PET and runs to his computer* Jack in! Soma.exe! Go! Get help from whoever you can!

(Graham frantically jacks his navi in, and just after he does, Lilly bashes Graham with a Wind Bible, knocking him out)

Lilly: Fahget it, sucka. Ain't nobudy gunna save yer sowwy ass! Dat's whatcha get far gibing me da boot! *turns to the priests* Whaddaya standin' awound far!? Dat richual ain't gunna prepare itshelf! *pelts the priests with empty Duff cans*

(meanwhile at the Electopia Airport, a battered and bruised Pharon is about to board a plane back to Oceopia)

Pharon: *nursing a black eye* That asshole. He thinks he soooo much better than me! Fine! Keep the 2000 zenny! I didn't even want it!

Wind Man.exe: You certainly have a way with your brother. Maybe if you apologize he'll-

Pharon: To hell with that! I'll just whup him in Super Smash Brothers. He sucked at it then, and he sucks at it now! That'll show him who's boss-

Wind Man.exe: Hold on. We're getting a call from Guilter.

Guilter: Pharon! You haven't left for Oceopia yet, have you?

Pharon: No. How did you know I was here?

Guilter: I saw you in the news when you took down that drunk priestess. Anyway, we got a job request a few mintues ago from that priest guy's navi. It sounds like his priests and priestesses have gone bats, and took him hostage.

Pharon: Why can't Nathan do it? Isn't he supposed to take all the jobs in Electopia?

Guilter: He is. He's already on another job.

(meanwhile, at Lan's house...)

Nathan: *slumped in front of a computer, exhausted* Okay, now we've hit rock bottom.

Spark Man.exe: Don't blame me. I looked over his request several times now. It just said he requested immediate aid. It said nothing about writing half a dozen overdue school reports.

Nathan: Maybe if he let someone else have a freakin' chance at saving the world, he wouldn't be tanking school right now. Not that it matters; I finished the last of it. Let's just get paid and-

Lan: YAYYY! I JOINED TEAM OF COLNEL AND TEAM OF BLUES! YAAAAYYY! I WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH SCHOOL! YOU'LL HAVE TO COVER FOR ME LONGER, LADY! YAAAAYYY!

Nathan:...

(Nathan throttles Lan and slams his head against the wall until he loses conciousness, grabs Lan's wallet and climbs out a window. Back at the Airport)

Pharon: Well...I guess I could. But Nathan owes me for this.

Guilter: Cool! The client said to meet him at Graham Jone's PC at Scissor Island.

(later, at Scissor Island...)

Pharon:...So this is the place, huh?

Wind Man.exe: That's right. I still know my way around here, but first, we need to meet up with our client. According to the request Guilter fowarded us, he should be waiting for us at Graham's PC.

Pharon: You got it!

Priestess: Nawt sho fasht ya liddle bwat! *tries to grab Pharon*

Pharon: Oh crap! *dodges her grasp, and runs inside and barricades the door with a bench*

Wind Man.exe: There! Graham's room is the third door on the right!

Pharon: Got it! *runs into Graham's room, toward his PC, and whips out Wind Man's PET* Here we are! Jack in! Wind Man.exe! Transmit!

(within a flash, Wind Man finds himself in Graham's PC)

Wind Man.exe: *surveys the area* Something's wrong. He's not here.

(Wind Man continues looking over the area, until he spots two navis in the corner in a triumphant pose.)

Priest's navi: Take that for interfering with our ritual! How dare he interfere with the only rite that can bring back our glorious Wind Man?!

Priestess's navi: *spots Wind Man* Look! The ritual's success, and it hasn't even been finished yet! Our savior has returned! *points to Wind Man and falls to his knees*

Priest's navi: *falls to his knees* Oh, glorious we have prayed for this day to come! What is thy bidding?

Wind Man.exe: What's going on? Where's Graham? Are you the one who hired us?

Priestess's navi: I-I don't understand...

Wind Man.exe: I was hired by a "Soma.exe" to rescue Graham Jones from a group of fanatics. Where's he being kept?

Priest's navi: ...Fanatics..?! Graham Jone's sacrifice to the flames is for the greater good! To get you to lead us again! Soma.exe had to be deleted for attempting to obstruct us! How can you not appreciate what your servants have done for you-

(before the navi can finish, a tornado suddenly appears and tosses both navis into the air. Just as they land, Wind Man summons flock of birds that tear into them.)

Wind Man.exe: Quite easily actually. Now how about you tell me where Graham is or I'll show you how unappreciative I am.

Priestess's navi: This-this cannot be! We can not let anyone thwart our ritual! Not even you!

(The two navis get back on their feet and unleash two boomers at Wind Man. Although the both hit, they do little to stop him, and he counters with a barrage of propeller bombs that decimate the two navis)

Wind Man.exe: Do I need to show you how unappreciative how I really am?

Priestess's navi: Nooo! Lilly's gonna be furious with us! He's about to be sacrificed in the furnace room. But you cannot stop our will, for it is also yours.

Pharon: Ah, stuff it. C'mon Wind Man!

(Pharon jacks out Wind Man and hurries down the hall towards the furnace room. Before he can reach the door, a priestess and two priests stagger into view)

Priestess 2: Who de hell are ya?! Onwy ush noblahle childwen ob de wind are supposed to be here!*BRAAAPP*

Priest 2: Den dat makesh him an...An...An...What'sh de word Lilly used?

Priest: Elopah?

Priest 2: Yeah! Den he's an elopah ya dumass! *smacks the priestess*

Priestess 2: *punches the priest* I dun't like bein touched! I'll kill ya! *BURRRPP!* *tackles the two priests*

Pharon and Wind Man.exe: ...

(As the Children of the Wind beat each other within an inch of their lives, Pharon sneaks past them into the furnace room. When enters the room, he sees several Children of the Wind uttering slurred chants over an unconscious Graham Jones, who's tied up on a strecther placed before an open furnace)

Priestess 3: Now yer posidibe dat de rishual will bwing back Wind Man?

Lilly: Huh? Oh yeah Sonya, shure. Dis is an age old chadishion here. *BRAAAPP!*

Sonia: Ya sure? I can'd find any passhage dat says cwemating the Head Pwiesht will bwing Wind Man back in here *points at a Wind Bible*.

Lilly: Lemme see! *grabs the tome and thumps her on the head with it, knocking her out* Ya fackers didn'd make me Head Pwiest jusht so ya can talk back at me!

Priest 3: Damn, stwaighd Head Pwiesd!

Wind Man.exe: If we can jack into the furnace-

Pharon: Save it. I can put two and two together. *sneaks up to the furnace's controls and peers at the display* Ah damnit...

Wind Man.exe: What's wrong?

Pharon: I'll jack you in so you can see for yourself. Jack in! Wind Man.exe! Transmit!

(Pharon jacks Wind Man into the furnace's control panel and within moments, Wind Man finds himself in the furnace's system. He quickly glances the area over and finds dozens of priest navis guarding the control program.)

Wind Man.exe: ...There's too many of them. Even we can't take them out together.

Pharon: I know. But I think I got an idea though. Follow my lead. *dashes out of from his hiding place and falls on his knees* It is a miracle! Our savior has returned!

Wind Man.exe: ...Yes! I have returned after a long absence to guide my children once more! Graham's sacrifice will not be necessary anymore! Release him now, or face my wrath!

Priestess 4: Wind Man?! You'be redurned?! Kickashh! WHOOOOOOOOO! Ya hard 'em guysh! *BRAAAPPP!*

(without question, the priests get to work untying Graham Jones and closing the furnace)

Lilly: Wha-wha ar ya doin'?! Da rishual ain'd finished yed! *URRRPPP!*

Priest 3: Who cares? Wind Man'sh back, and dat's awl dat madders!

Priest 2: *bursts in the room, battered and bruised* Don'd do id! My nabi says he'sh onwy here to sabe Gwaham! Wind Man'sh gawt no inderest in stayin'! *hic!*

Priestess 2: *enters the room just as battered and bruised* Damn stwaighd! He jusd beat da shit oudda our nabis jusd a few minudes ago! *BURRRRPPP!*

Priest 3: Wind Man! How can ya twy ta abadandon yer own childwen wike dat?! We ain'd gonna lose ya dis time! *hic* *staggers toward Pharon*

Lilly: Rishuals on! Don'd led yer nabis led him ged away! And bwing dat kid! We may need two sacwifishes fer dis! Slauncha!

(Lilly downs a can of Duff and re-opens the furnace door. While she's picking up Graham's stretcher, the priests and priestesses close in around Pharon)

Pharon: ...Well it sounded better in my head. Looks like this is it.

Wind Man.exe: *watches the navis close in around him* No it's not! You know there's another option.

Pharon: But-

Wind Man.exe: Just do it!

Pharon: ...Here goes!

(Pharon desperately enters some commands into Wind Man's PET. Meanwhile in the cyberworld, Wind Man stares at the approaching navis with dull milky eyes and raises his arms. Before the navis can react, a massive tornado tears them from the ground and flings them throughout the area. Before they can recover, more tornadoes began to descend)

Priestess's navi 2: *struggling to stay on his feet* What have we done? We brought about the wrath of an angry god! Forgive us, Wind Man!

*The navi crawls to the furnace's control program and deactivates it. Just as Lilly is about to dump Graham's body into the furnace, its burner goes out, and the door swings shut automatically*

Lilly: Ya liddle bashtard! If we're goin down, we're takin' ya wid us! Take him down alweady, boys! Slauncha!

*Lilly chugs a Duff and turns around, only to see the other priests and priestesses passed out in a heap*

Lilly: Ah, ya fwiggin' lightweights! Dis ain't ober if dat's what yer thinkin'! *quickly staggers off*

Graham Jones: *regains consciousness and gets up* Thank you! I'm forever in your debt. What can be done to repay you?

Pharon: Hold on a sec. (to himself) God, I hope I programed this wind flute thingy right.

(Pharon pulls out a program chip and inserts into Wind Man's PET. Within seconds, a melodious fluting noise can be heard, breaking Wind Man's rage, and returning him to normal. Just as Pharon puts the chip away, he notices Graham looking over his shoulder)

Pharon: Hey pal, mind getting out of my three foot bubble?

Graham Jones: *backs off* My apologies. I was just about to ask you what you wanted in reward for your services.

Pharon: Oh, that. I think you know. *holds hand out expectantly*

Graham Jones: Sigh. I guess "Outreach to Orphans" could wait another year if it must...(reluctantly cuts Pharon a check)

Pharon: Thanks! Looks my work here's done, so I'll head on outta here. Hope we do business again! *strolls outside, whistling*

Graham Jones: I hope not...But that navi he used...It couldn't be...

(later, at the Electopia Airport...)

Nathan: Hey Pharon! Just wanted to drop by and thank ya for covering me while I was busy.

Pharon: Well, you do owe me for this. How are you going to pay me back?

Nathan: Nope. But you said you dealt with drunk priests, right? Reminds me of when I had to deal with a group of hammed-out clods. Man, there's a lot of substance abuse going on nowadays. Well, I gotta run. There's a tournament starting up in a few days, and I still need to get the paperwork squared away. See ya! *walks off*

Pharon: A tournament, eh? Maybe I oughta-

(before Pharon can finish his thought, an unseen figure yanks him into a shadowy corner!)

Pharon: Huh?! OOOOFFF! *slumps to the ground, unconscious*

Lilly: *stepping out from the corner* BOOYAAAHH! Take dat yah liddle bwat! Yer comming wid me, Windy! Wike da good ol' days! Slauncha! *chugs a Duff*

Wind Man.exe: Forget it Lilly! I'll sooner live as an autonavi than do another late-night beer run for you!

Lilly: Is dat how it is?! Ya gawt it, ya chump! *BRAAAPPP!*

(Lilly grabs Wind Man's PET, enters some commands, reaches into Pharon's pocket for a program chip, and snaps it between her fingers)

Lilly: If I can't habe ya, nobudy can! *hic!* Led's see how ya like bein an audonabi wid yer seal broken, eh?! See ya in hell ya, fwiggin' bashtawd! Slauncha! *BRAAAPP!*

(Lilly jacks Wind Man into a PC at the confirmation desk and reaches for a congratulatory Duff. But before she chug it, she passes out and collapses on the floor)

To Be Continued...