The Official Unofficial Training/Recruiting Video

By Video Man.exe

(Nathan’s Room)

Nathan: (Is doing some accounting for the DLM) Gah, damn it. (Grabs a cigarette)

Sparkman: What?

Nathan: (Lights and Smokes it) We’re starting to have a lot of inactive employees, profit downfall in Netfrica and Sharo and base costs are rising. Either we tell them to get their asses moving or give them the boot.

Pharon: So you know what that means?

Nathan: (Turns around and sees Pharon) Pharon you annoying sonofa…! Get back to Oceopa already!

Pharon: (Ignores Nathan’s remark) We need a new employee drive, get some fresh blood…

Nathan: That’ll be your blood if you don’t get the hell out of here.

Pharon: (Ignores Nathan yet again) and one more thing…(Dodges a lamp Nathan threw at him) Have we even begun to get some endorsements and or corporate sponsors?

Nathan: What?

Pharon: Yeah, They can help cover costs and help pay for the free liquor.

Nathan: So, you’re not old enough to drink.

Pharon: True but Sam is.

Nathan: That wine sucking…

Sam: Wine sucking what?

Nathan:… Okay, who else is here for this surprise meeting which I haven’t gotten memo of?

(Nathan heads out of his room to Nate, and An-Ti have come along with Sam and Pharon)

Nathan: Grr… fine! We’ll figure out something to stop this employee apathy, starting tomorrow! (Slams his door shut)

Sam: How?

Nathan: (Opens up his door) How should I know, some stupid video I guess. (closes his door again but…)

An-Ti: Will it be training or a recruiting video?

Nathan: … Can’t you assholes figure that one out yourselves? We’ll do both.

Pharon: Who’s going to …

Nathan: (Grabs 12 beer bottles) GET THE **** OUT!!! (throws at the guys, telling them to scram)

(The next day)

Pharon: Okay (Turns on a Video Camera points to his face) Alright. I can see myself and the camera has plenty of juice.  Here we go. (Heads into Nathan’s room) Hey Nathan…

Nathan: (Is in the bathroom doing business) Pharon, I’m trying to take a crap here. Now leave me alone and I’ll join when I'm done

Pharon: (sighes and heads back outsides) Nathan’s will start when he done with the john. 

An-Ti: At least we the start the intro sequence.

Nate: That we can do.

(Pharon tosses Nate the camera)

Nate: One more thing, If it’s okay, I called in a few favors. I called in some past clients to help with video.

Pharon: Alright that’s great! (Put on a director’s hat)

(The scene now goes into the camera’s perspective.)

Pharon’s voice: Cue the intro!

(The first section of Section of the Liberty Bell March is played)

Voice:  Are you need of action, adventure, romance or best all… some cash?  Is there injustice in the world and are looking in to capitalize on it? Well then look no further, join the Darklight Mercenaries!  We’re the world’s first mercenary corporation and have been in business for about 2 years.

(Camera Pauses)

(Off Camera)

Nathan: (Enters, smoking a cigarette) Did I miss the video?

An-Ti: Nope, just started.

Nathan: Damn it!

An-Ti: Pharon wants you to…

Nathan: I’m not doing a stupid video!

An-Ti:  Come why not?

Nathan: First of all, it’s stupid and second, I just want to be left alone.

An-Ti: At least one or two comments from you and Sparkman?

Nathan: … Do you want to live?

Pharon: (Walks by) If not we can always include that embarrassing snapshot of the frat party.

Nathan: (Under his breath) I’ll be kicking your ass for that...  (Over his breath) Fine, Whatever… (Heads towards a set)

(On Camera)

Nathan: (Sits down holding a sign that says Nathan Simon Bernhard: Darklight Mercenary, Electopia) Yeah, I joined just so I can get some cash for college. (Smokes a cigarette) Then I got into the business. I’ve been involved in some of the best jobs, including deleting some powerful WWW operatives.

(Camera freezes)

Pharon: Good, Sam, your turn.

(Nathan gets off and Sam sits down)

Pharon: Action!

(Camera resumes)

Sam: (Holds up his sign: Sam Darklight, Darklight Mercenary, Yumland) After Nebula went bust, I joined DLM, because… (Shrugs) they were conveniently there.  Don’t get me wrong, I did have some adventures myself and the wine in Yumland is great.  If the team has some questions about Dark Chips or need a Darkloid to the job, I’m their man.

(Camera freezes again)

(Off camera)

Pharon: Cut that should be good people. (Grabs his cell phone) Yo Bro, It’s me Pharon. Yeah, you got the memo right… No? I’m pretty sure Nate sent you one! …  He called you directly… Oh! Anyways, Thanks for helping out… You’re already in Electopia. Great! I’ll expect you here in about half hour. Thanks! (Hangs up) Stuart’s coming. How’s Moe and Ben, got any word on those two yet Nate?

Nate: I’m having some troubles contacting Moe. Ben says he’s trying to get some time open for a testimonial.

Pharon: (Grabs the script) Okay… Change a few scenes here and there… Switch a couple of actors. Okay change of Plan! We’ll do History of the DLM and On the Job first, and then do the client testimonials. Wardrobe, get Nathan, Nate and An-ti for their part.

Nathan: What? Pharon, how much is this damn video’s budget?

Pharon: What was in your credit cards as of now (snickers)

Nathan: (Grabs a tire iron from another college student’s car and is about ready to split open Pharon’s head with it)

Pharon: (Jokingly as he knows Nathan’s isn’t in a mood for a joke) Let’s see… Selling Nathan’s car and CD’s…

Nathan: (Really ticked) Not funny Pharon.

Pharon: (Giggles as he ignores Nathan)… Selling naughty pictures of Nathan’s girlfriend to millions of hen…

Nathan: Finish that sentence and I’ll personally rip your god damn head off. You know how much we hate Hentai fan people.

Pharon: (Is now serious) Well in that case, Samuel got the video budget from an old nebula account while I personally had to sell my lab to Dark Tech… Nathan will have dress up like Guilter. An-Ti will be Darmagician while Nate impersonating Marihito. (Throws Nathan, An-ti, and Nate some clothes)

(After a while, the camera resumes, while a new guitar song is played)

Voice: History of the Darklight Mercenaries!

Pharon: (providing the Narration off camera) The Darklight mercenaries were found by Guilter Gant, a Sharoan Nationalist with his new navi Cold Man.

(Nathan walks in, dressed up as Guilter)

Nathan: (Reads his script with bad acting) Hmm… Maybe people will pay other people to do stuff for them.

Pharon: With it, came the first two recruits, Marihito and Darmagician.

An-ti:  (As Darmagician) Ehhh? (Fonz pose)

Nate: Wassaup?

Nathan: (Thinking) Pharon could you written a more damn retarded script?

Pharon: Then the Darklight mercenaries quickly expanded all over the world. The Darklights have associates all over the globe. From Netfrica to Oceopa and from Electopia to Naxa, There is at least one of us there.

(Off Camera)

Ben: I’m here.

Shade Man: Ah, welcome.

Gate Man: So where are those 1st edition Naruto magna and the VIP pass to Anime Con 2007 like you guys promised us?

Sam: We did?

(On camera)

Nathan: (Still acting badly) Good, we’ll start business tomorrow.

(All three leave)

Pharon: And then Nathan’s first job was to deliver magic hams. (whispering) Nathan… Get back into your regular clothes.

Nathan: (Offstage) WHAT? Cripes! It took me an hour into these damn clothes! Guilter’s size is too small for me.

Pharon:  Embarrassing snapshot…

Nathan: Grr… (Gets his own clothes back on and heads to the stage again)…

(Off camera)

Sam: (Looks at Nate giving a few taps off the ground getting his attention)

Nate: (Turns at Sam) (whispering) what?

Sam:  (whispering) Ben says we were going to give him stuff.

Nate: (still whispering) He wasn’t interested so I had told a few fibs here there.

Sam: Do you realize how much trouble you’re going to be in when Nathan finds out about this?

Ben: So where are the…

Shade Man: umm… you’ll get them once we’re done making the video.

Gate Man: Really?

Shade Man: Yes really. We will supply...

Gate Man: Not some Yoko Ono statue Nathan tried to dump at the Aftermath Base that one time.

Sam: Would we ever do that to you?

Ben: Well yea.

Shade Man: Look, you got our word.

Ben: Fine. (Sits down)

(On camera)

Pharon: (Still providing Narration) …and that’s how the “Renewal of the winds” got settled.  After that, business has gotten slow. But that’s were you, fellow employee come in. Because with new employees we can do jobs like these…

(Insert scene of four guys wrestling a grizzly bear here, then a D-Day clip followed by high speed car chase scene and finally then a man trying to catch a chimpanzee)

Pharon: And now more Mercenary testimonials

(Camera freezes as An-Ti gets on stage)

An-Ti: (Holding a sign saying: “An-ti F.R. Chen, Darklight Mercenary, Amerorope") I was on the streets before I joined the Darklight Mercenaries.  I’m most notoriously known for battle and can leave even the fiercest of foes in a stretcher.

Pharon: Your turn Nate.

(Nate hands Pharon the Camera)

Nate: (Holding a sign that says: “Nate, Darklight Mercenary, Electopia”) Yeah, I’m the second Electopian operative and I’ve gotten a lot of jobs done. So far I completed taking out the star droids, investigate a meteor, and taking part in the Phazon conflict. And I also assisted Nathan that one time at Oran.

(Off camera)

Pharon: Cut! A quick break then we'll do on the job. Has Moe and Stuart came yet?

Moe: (Arrives) hmm… You guys wanted to see me. I’m just taking a break from looking for that…

Nathan: (Death Glares at Moe)

Moe: Never mind.

Pharon: Good, One down and one more to go. Okay Break time over. Now It’s time for one the Job.

An-ti: Oh come on!

Junk Man: That’s was only two minutes.

Pharon: Tough luck!

Nate:  Can We at least go to the bathroom?

Pharon: Fine (sees Nathan leaving) And if Nathan isn’t here in a half hour, we’ll roll the clip of the embarrassing snapshot then the porno flick of Nathan’s girlfriend…

Nathan: (Charges at Pharon, swearing intensely and unintelligibly)

Sam: (Grabs Nathan) Whoa! Calm down Nathan!

Nathan: Let me at him! Let me at him!

Pharon: (Just to Taunt Nathan)  … which I have right here in my pocket…

(Nathan breaks free of Sam’s grip and charges at Pharon. Pharon dodges but Nathan grabs the pictures and tears them apart)

Nathan: HA!

Pharon: …and have back-ups on my computer in Oceopa.

Nathan: (twitches) You…. Little!

Pharon: And now on the Job! Action!

(On Camera)

Voice: On the Job!

Pharon’s Voice: When you join the Darklight Mercenaries, you will be station in one of many places of the world.  But they all have the same thing: Your Office…. (whispers) Nate!

Nate: Oh!

(Nate, still holding the camera, follows the director into Nathan’s dorm room.)

Pharon’s Voice: Your office will include the following: A bed, for you to spend your nights at; A refrigerator to contain all your food (Food not included), A desk in which to file your reports (Cigarettes and Ashtray not include) and a PC with the Darklight Mercenaries' homepage as your own homepage. Last but not least your office will contain a nice, cleanly bathroom, because even hard core mercenaries need to take a whiz and let the dogs out once a while. (whispering again) Nate, jack in Aqua Man.

Nate: Got it.

(DLM Homepage)

(Wind Man and Aqua Man are inside)

Aqua Man: (holding the cyber camera) We’re rolling!

Wind Man: Action!

Pharon’s voice: Wind Man, Only I can say that.  This is the Darklight Mercenaries Job Request board.  When something arises, a client will post it on the board.  That’s where your navi will read it and tells you what it's about and how much they will pay you. If you decide to take the job you’ve taken your first step into adventure. The second step is meeting your client.  And that brings to meeting the client.

(Off camera, outside)

Hobo:  Hey Moe, I need more Vodka Money.

Moe: So... get it yourself. I’m not taking you to the liquor store for the 9,999,999,999th time.

Hobo: But withdrawal hurts so badly.

Pharon: Hey Moe, can you do us a favor?

Hobo: I want booze.

Moe:  Not now(Shoves the Hobo) Yeah?

Pharon: We need an actor to play the client and or the hobo.

Moe: Well, I know where we can get a hobo.

Pharon: Good, we’ll be rolling shortly.

(On camera)

Pharon’s Voice: The following is a basic simulation of a typical

Nathan: (Has somewhat calmed but is still ticked about Pharon’s blackmail) Okay, what is the Job?

Spark Man: We are to retrieve some valuable data.

Nathan: Okay, where are to meet the client?

Moe: Here I am and why are you acting so badly?

Pharon: (thinking) Awe man, improvisation, the script wasn’t retarded enough like I planned.

Moe: Alright look we just get “valuable data” from “the bad guy” that could be put the world in danger (turns around) and there he is.

Hobo: (Is “the bad guy”) Huh?

Nathan:  Nathan Attack! (Beats up the hobo)

Moe: And here is your pay.  (Hands Nathan 500 zany)

Pharon: (Whispers to Nathan) Nice.

Nathan: I’ll give a better performance on you if don’t give me those damn pictures.

Pharon:  (whispering) Not going to happen. (Out loud) Alright! One more testimonial then the customer testimonial.

(The Camera Freezes as Pharon heads to the stand. As he sits down the camera resumes)

Pharon:  (Holds his sign saying, “Pharon, Darklight Mercenary, Oceopa”) I am what to be consider the brains of the operation. My IQ is very high and I’m an inventor and have made the process of creating navis with frames.  I did have some good adventures coughwithandwithoutmyassholebrothercough.

(Pharon heads off stage)

Pharon: And the moment you’ve been waiting for.  If you haven’t take our word on why you should join the DLM. We’ve gathered some of best customers. (Whispering) Ben, that your cue.

Ben: Finally. (Walks on stage)

(A sign appears that says Benjamin Chaud, Aftermath Leader)

Ben: Yeah, they saved the official base and all. Charged me an arm and a leg for it too.

Pharon: Okay Moe…

Moe: It’s okay if I take whiz first?

Pharon: (Faceplant) fine.

(Moe exits as Stuart enters)

Stuart: Sorry I’m late. Did I miss anything?

Pharon: Oh nothing… just a parade, a trip to the zoo, some Ice cream and THE REST OF THE DAMN VIDEO!!!!

Stuart: Well then.

(Stuart head onto the stage, a new sign saying Stuart Von Dassamen, Acid Hacker appears)

(Off camera)

Hobo: How did those signs appear?

Pharon: Because you’re drunk that why.

Hobo: Oh… Do you have money I can buy booze with?

Pharon: No.

(On Camera)

Stuart:  The Darklight Mercenaries, what do I say about them… well for one they are not affiliated with any form of law enforcement, so the first point in hiring them would be that they do not need warrants to get into places.  Second, Most of them are highly skilled in combat and third, they offer discounts to family members.

(Off Camera)

Pharon: WHAT? WHO WAS THE DUMBASS WHO THOUGHT OF THAT?

Nathan: Heheh (Takes out a tape recorder and plays it).

Tape: (Pharon’s voice, sounding intoxicated) Hey, Hey, Guilter, maybe we should offer discounts to family members.

Tape: (Guilter’s voice) Duh… Okay.

Pharon: You said that was diet coke.

Nathan: (Sarcasm) Oh That’s all folks

Tape: (Pharon’s voice again) I’m a little…

Pharon: (Hands Nathan the pictures he’s been blackmailing him)

Nathan: Sweet Irony.

Stuart: Alright, I’m guess I’m done (Leaves).

Moe: (Returns) Alright what did I miss?

Nathan: (Upsurps the director's cap from Pharon) Nothing, well just a testimonial from you and we’ll be done

Moe: Alright then. (Heads to the stage)

(The sign is now replaced with Moe Fortis, Net Guardian)

Moe: Yeah, they really helped me out with a personal vendetta, plus they gave me a good deal. Of course they did turn around and work for my enemies a little later, and they also fought against my team for no good reason once, but I guess the important thing was they managed to do what I paid them for. Anyway, the most important thing to me was the loyalty, no wait that didn't work so well in the long run. I mean the most important thing was the money, I needed to save.

(Camera Freezes)

Nathan: And we’re done!

Ben: Hey where is the free stuff you promised me?

(Sam appears with some bleeding and with 3 kunai all over his right arm)

Shade Man: You do not know how much fighting we had to do to get these.

(Sam hands Ben the First Edition Naruto Manga and Anime Pass)

Ben: … Okay, the blood better not have gotten on the cover.

Sam: Do you want it or not?

Ben: Well yeah, but not that bad. If wouldn’t be right if you mugged it from a civilian.

Shade Man: Well…

(Flash back, Elec Town)

(Sam is hiding behind an alley with a knife)

Shade Man: We searched the entire net and still haven't found it.

Naruto Fan Navi: Alright a first edition Naruto magna and a VIP pass to Anime Con 2007!

Shade Man: Bingo! Whee-eee! (Grabs the navi and mauls him)

Navi's Operator (Not Josh): Huh? (Get grabbed by Sam)

(Insert Stabbing sounds here)

(End Flashback)

Ben: Anyhoo, thanks anyway.

Nathan: (Smokes a cigarette) Now to take of some unfinished business.

***

(The next day a Convention Center at the Den Dome)

(A huge important DLM meeting is going on, Sam, Pharon, An-Ti, and Nate are sitting on some seats on the stage while Nathan is giving a speech, all other mercenaries are in the audience)

Nathan: Alright gents and jerks, It has come to my attention that some of you clods are being plain lazy and suffering slack.  Ever since Guilter gave the 51% of the corporate profit, I’m now the CEO and President of the Darklight Mercenaries. And first off there are going to be some changes.

Tyler: Like what?

Darmagician: Maybe it’ll be healthcare coverage.

Tom: Or perhaps a new salary.

Guilter: Vodka Discounts!

Sam: Don’t be too sure… This is Nathan you’re all talking about.

Nathan: That’s right! And I’m not the type of guy to give sweets to kids unless they’re poisoned, but I’ll say this sweetly: EVERYONE WHO IS NOT ON THIS STAGE IS HERE BY FIRED!!!! AND MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE YOUR PET'S ON THE TABLE AS YOU GET THE HELL OUT!!!

Audience: WHAT!!!???

Pharon: You heard him, now be gone, scram and never return!

(Guilter, Darmagician, Tom and the other ex-Darklights leave and abandon their Navi. All except Tyler)

Nathan: Well?

Tyler: NO!

Nathan:  I said hand it over!

Tyler: No way! (Flips Nathan off)

(Nathan gets off the stage, advancing towards Tyler)

Tyler: Fine, I’ll tell Regal to begin big ass kicking you punks deserve!

Sam: What?

Shade Man: You have connections with Regal?

An-ti: What the…?

Nate: O_O

Tyler: Yep, I’ve been working as his little mole all this time.

Pharon: Wait a minute, Regal had his mind wiped after Lan destroyed Nebula Gray!

Tyler: Not true, Darkness can still find a way in your hearts even filled with light!

Nathan: I don’t freaking care even if you had tie-ins with the Life Force! Cough up Search Man now! (Grabs Tyler’s PET and a tug of war ensure between the two of them)

Tyler: You don’t know how much time and money I had to use to brainwash Search Man into becoming my navi!

(Den Dome Computer)

(Spark Man, Shade Man, Wind Man, Aqua Man and Junk Man are facing Search Man)

Search Man: All this time I’ve been holding back! Now no more! (Press a button on scope rifle, revealing two huge missile launchers)

Aqua Man: Oh my….

(Search Man fires them before Aqua Man could finish his statement… The Blast sends all the navis flying)

Spark Man: Grrr… Fine! I won’t hold back as well! (Unleashes all of best attacks)

(Shade Man dashes at Search Man with a Dark Sword)

Shade Man: Take this! I’ll personally enjoy consuming your soul!

Search Man: Heh! (Grabs Shade Man and throws him into Wind Man)

(The two navis get knocked into the bleachers)

Junk Man: (Unleashes a flurry of garbage spheres) Take this traitor!

Aqua Man: (Tosses a couple of spread bombs at the Search Man)

Search Man: You think that’s going to stop me?  Hah!

(Search Man uses Satellite on Aqua Man then unleashes a grenade fury on Junk Man)

(Back in the Real World, Tyler slugs Nathan with a throat punch and then Jacks out Search Man)

Tyler: Later Dorks! (Discharges a smoke bomb as he flees)

(Sam and Nate help Nathan to his feet)

Nathan: Damn it!

Nate: Are you okay?

Nathan: He suckered punched me and nobody sucker punches Nathan Simon Bernhard and gets away with it!

Pharon: Look on the bright side. He didn’t steal any of the PETs

???: Is this the Darklight Mercenaries?

Nathan: No this is the Tokyo Game Show. Of course we’re the Darklight Mercenaries.

???: Good, I’m Okaxal and I wish to join.

Nathan: Hmph. Just pick one, Search Man isn’t up for grabs though.

Okaxal: This one will do (Picks up Video Man)

Video Man: So my new operator. I’m still not going to miss Narcy!

Okaxal: What’s my first job?

Nathan: Your first job? Our first job is a Darklight Manhunt on Tyler! Regal’s going to learn the hard way what happens when you **** the Darklight Mercenaries. (Bolts off)

(The others quickly follow)

The End!