Big Battles Episode 05: Final Fantasy Mayhem!
Cecil, Butz, Terra, Cloud, Squall, and Zidane VS Zeromus, Exdeath, Kefa, Sephrioth, Ultimercia and Kuja

By Gemini Blue and Gauntlet

Hanz and Franz, the guest judges are from Saturday Night Live. If you are unfamiliar with Hanz and Franz (and woe to you) then please imagine a poorly done Swedish accent ALA bad Arnold Swartzeneggar impressions.

Hanz: I am Hanz.

Franz: And I am Franz.

Both: We are here to pump *clap* YOU UP!!

Hanz: Today we are replacing those wimpy wimps Gauntlet and Needle as the announcers for this evening!

Franz: Yeah, they are so girly that we cannot let you suffer from their girlyness!

Hanz: We have taken over the show for now and bring you this fight from the "Gold Saucer".

Franz: It is full of flabby and useless creatures! Look at all those disgusting things!

Hanz: Look at me. I am so pumped. Now look at them. It is pitiful!

Franz: Now for this battle (which will probably be pathetic - look at how girly and flabby those people are!) there are 2 teams. Each from a waste of time video game called "Final Fantasy"! Now listen up, because I will not repeat myself!

The wimpy Dark Knight gone Paladin, Cecil!

The Traveler from another world with a big fat girly name, Butz!

A half esper, half human, Terra! She is hot, but a little fatty!

A real girly man who is too skinny and wimpy to challenge us, Cloud!

Leader of wimpy pansies who call themselves "SeeD"s, Squall!

And some thieving flabby Genome, Zidane!

Hanz: Yeah, they are all girly and flabby. And on team two we have:

Some gross looking puss monster from the moon, Zeromus!

A wizard who's true form is a tree, Exdeath!

A skinny, UN muscled clown, Kefka!

A lazy, flabby, cow, Sephiroth!

The sorceress from the future who is too horrible to touch with a ten foot pole, Ultimecia!

And Kuja! All ugly and wimpy looking! They would present no difficulty to us, Franz!

Franz: Yeah, Hanz! Look at us and see how pumped we are! Who could take us??

Hanz: Nobody, Franz!

Franz: Now let's start this pathetic fight, so we can work out at the gym and pick up hot ladies! Because the ladies like the buff bodybuilders like Franz!

Hanz: And Hanz!

The battle starts.

Franz: The wimpy Cecil summons the power in his crystal and slashes Zeromus!

Hanz: And Terra and Kefka fight with their magic! They are so wimpy with their pathetic magic attacks! They should use their fists like real warriors!

Franz: Yeah, Hanz. And now that ugly cow, Ultimecia is junctioning herself to the flabby animal, Griever.

Hanz: But Squall hits her with the Lionheart. What an unimpressive attack.

Franz: What is this? Butz has just been blasted away by Exdeath but Cloud hits him with the Omnislash!

Butz: Thanks!

Exdeath: I will get you back!

Cloud: Not in this lifetime! Knights of the Round! Ultimate End!

Exdeath falls into pieces.

Hanz: And Exdeath is eliminated! What a wimpy, flabby thing to be hurt by an attack by that girly man.

Kuja: I will destroy you all!

Zidane: Not a chance Kuja!

Franz: And Kuja and Zidane start fighting. They are fighting like ladies with the slapping and the hair-pulling. It is pathetic with how weak they all are.

Zeromus: The powers of darkness will aid me! Big Bang!

Hanz: I know, this is almost as bad as watching Touched by an Angel.

Franz: And look, Hanz: Cecil has blocked the blast with his sword and splits Zeromus in two.

Hanz: Yeah, that is so wimpy. By now you and me, Franz would have split all of these weak, flabby monsters like a stack of phonebooks.

Franz: You know it Hanz.

Sephiroth: Supernova!

Hanz: Sephiroth is now blasting Team 1 with the Supernova.

Butz and Cecil get turned into dust.

Hanz: Looks like the fight is even now as the 2 teams have 3 members left.

Cloud: Omnislash!

Sephiroth gets sliced and diced but stabs

Cloud and both die.

Franz: When will this pathetic girly fight end?

Hanz: I don't know Franz. Watching this is so dull and boring with their pathetic attacks.

Franz: Ultimecia is distracted by Sephiroth's death and &

Hanz: And some wimpy attack hurt her. Of course I would not be hurt by such an attack.

Franz: Ultimercia is gone with some "Lion Heart" attack. Why, I do not know, it is so weak and pathetic.

Hanz: Kuja is now Team 2's only fighter.

Kuja: You think you've won? Not by a long shot! Ultima!

Franz: Now that girly man, Squall has been destroyed by Kuja!

Hanz: Now Zidane and Kuja are left.

Franz: God, will this fight never end!? It is so weak and girly and pathetic! Look at all of those fighters - and now look at us!

Hanz: With our strength and muscles, we could overpower any of these girly men alone!

Zidane and Kuja collapse.

Franz: Look, Hanz! The wimpy girly men fainted!

Hanz: Yeah, I see it Franz! It is so pathetic and girly. I want to turn away in disgust!

Franz: Well, since their all down, there is no winnah! What a water of time!

Hanz: Well, now that this fight is finally over, we con go to the gym and work on our fabulous muscles

Franz: Yeah, Hanz!

Hanz: I am Hanz.

Franz: And I am Franz.

Both: We are here to pump *clap* YOU UP!!

FF icons have been taken from the Role Playing Game Gallery and RPG icons archive