You Will Be Assimilated

(It is a lazy day over at the Technodrome. The Mechanical Maniacs decide to have a barbecue to celebrate their recent successes against the forces that bug them.)

Juno: Please let me out. I promise I will behave.

Magnet: No way, you're staying inside that pokeball!

Juno: But it is tight and confining. If you release me, you will certainly not regret it.

Magnet: BAH! Quiet or I'll shove a magnet up yer ass!

Juno: But to do that, you would first have to let me out!

Top: Hey, what's Juno doing out of security?

Magnet: I thought he might want some social time. Seeing as it's a special occasion -

Top: Well put him back! Bad enough Sigma escaped, we don't need Juno causing trouble.

Juno: Oh, poo.

(The Maniacs eat hot dogs and hamburgers, except for Gauntlet who hates hamburgers.)

Needle: These are great!

Gemini: Thanks, Needle!

Snake: It's too bad Gemini Red couldn't make it!

Hard: Ah, that lazy bastard went to the movies. He went to see The Mummy Returns.

Gauntlet: Hey, I love that movie!

Needlegal: Yeah, it was all fighting!

(Suddenly a dark shadow is cast over the city!)

Spark: What?

(Six figures teleport onto the property surrounding the Technodrome!)

Gauntlet: NO! It's the BORG!

Borg Drone #1: You will be assimilated!

Borg Drone #2: Resistance is futile!

Borg Drone #3: Your technological and biological distinctiveness will be assimilated into our own!

Borg Drone #4: You will be one with the Borg!

Magnet: Damn, these guys talk a lot!

Spark: Not for long!

(Spark shoots Spark Shots at one drone, but by the second shot...)

Gauntlet: They've adapted!

Borg Drone #5: Resistance is futile!

(Hardman tries her Hard Knuckle, but the result is the same!)

Borg Drone #6: Resistance is futile!

Hard: I'm not having much luck with the Hard Knuckle, am I?

(Borg Drone #1 stands atop the Technodrome with the giant eye held high above its head!)

Borg Drone #1: This unit has assimilated a giant eyeball! Its collector's value is now one with the Borg!

Sparkman: Hey! You put that down! Those are hard to find!

(Borg Drone #2 walks out of the Technodrome with the Maniacs' TV.)

Borg Drone #2: This unit has assimilated the Television! The collective can now watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

Gauntlet: HEY!

(Gauntlet chucks a Shadow Blade at the Borg, but #3 catches it!)

Borg Drone #3: This unit has assimilated a Shadow Blade! It is now one with the Borg!

Borg Drone #s 4 & 5: We have assimilated this couch! The Borg can now sit in comfort!

Hard: Those jerks are stealing all our stuff and beaming it onto their ship!

Borg Drone #6: This unit has assimilated Needlegal's wallet! Its contents are now one with the Borg!

Needlegal: HEY (Shoots Needle Cannon, but it bounces off the Borg's shield!)

Needlegal: Damn their adaptable asses!

Gemini: Dammit, they're stealing all our stuff!

Borg Drone #1: This unit has assimilated the barbecue! The Borg can now enjoy home cooking! All prepare to assimilate hot dogs!

Hard: NO! I'm gonna stop you!

(Hard charges at the Borg, but she is swarmed by the others! The rest of the team try to help, but...)

Hard: I am one with the Borg!

Maniacs: GASP!!

Gemini: Hard, no!

Hard: I am now Seven of Seven! Resistance is futile!

(Suddenly, the team is attacked by a barrage of Shadow Blades!)

Gauntlet: What!? That wasn't me!

Bizarro Shadowman: Me am here to help you, my friends!

Magnet: Well, that's good -

(Bizarro Shadowman chucks a Blade at Magnet!)

Magnet: YOW! That jerk!

Gauntlet: He talks in Bizarro logic! He's here to destroy us while the Borg steal all our stuff!

Bizarro Shadowman: Wrong! (Tosses more Shadowblades at the team!)

Gauntlet: Some help would be nice guys! Guys??

Top: Resistance is futile!

Spark: You will be one with the Borg!

Needlegal: They've been assimilated!

Gauntlet: Damnit, what's your problem, Bizarro!? You've always been content to live in the dumpster behind the Warriors' place before! What changed!?

Bizarro Shadowman: ME not realize, me am great hero for this place! Me always with me friends the Mechanical Maniacs and always come to save day just like me not made for! Me not decide it am time for less active role in hero community and to leave the Mechanical Maniacs alone - FOREVER!

Gemini: What?

Needlegal: Oh nevermind! We have to stop the Borg before they eat all our hot dogs and hamburgers!

Hard: This unit has already assimilated ten hot dogs!

Gauntlet: YOU PIGS!

Magnet: Leave some for us!

Spark: This hamburger will be assimilated!

Magnet: I said stop! (Shoots Spark with Magnet Missiles!)

(Spark suddenly convulses and sparks of energy envelop him!)

Spark: What happened??

Magnet: Hey, you're back to normal!

Spark: Your magnetic properties must have erased the Borg programming!

Borg Drone #2: We will adapt to that attack!

Borg Drone #3: You will be assimilated!

Magnet: Better make it quick then!

(Magnet shoots Hard and Top, freeing them!)

Hard: Man...

Top: This unit has tubes...where he would rather tubes not be!

Bizarro Shadowman: Good-BYEEE! Do NOT pay attention to the big hero over there! The am nothing to see! He am NOT trying too be nice to you! He -

(Suddenly, Bizarro Shadowman is assaulted by Drones 4 and 5!)

Gauntlet: Ow, that's gotta hurt!

Hard: It does...

Bizarro Shadowman: ...This unit am not one with the Borg!

Magnet: You guys are getting on my nerves!

(Magnet shoots all the Borg around him!)

Borg Drone #6: OW! Stop that! It is irritating to the collective!

Borg Drone #1: OW! Quit it! We are the Borg!

(A Shadow Blade knocks Magnet for a loop!)

Bizarro Shadowman: We have not adapted to your defensive capabilities, prepare to be segregated!

Borg Drone #2: This unit must assimilate satellite television! The collective desire to watch Baywatch!

(The Borg Drone gets shot by Magnet!)

Magnet: Quit stealing our stuff, you jerks!

Borg Drone #3: The new Borg jet has no good radio stations! The collective must assimilate punk rock!

Gauntlet: That's OUR jet!

Needle: Since when did we have a jet? These guys are - QUIT TRYING TO ASSIMILATE ME!!

Borg Drone #4: Come on! Resistance is futile!

(Magnet tries to shoot more Magnet Missiles at the Borg, but all his shots are deflected by Bizarro Shadowman!)

Bizarro Shadowman: We have not adapted to your defensive capabilities!

Snake: We gotta stop these guys!

Hard: Ohhhh man! I don't care, I got indigestion from all the stuff I ate...

Gauntlet: Hunh? THAT'S IT!!

Gauntlet: Here's the plan...(The Maniacs huddle.)


Snake: Mechanical Maniacs - ATTACK!!

(The Mechanical Maniacs attack the Borg, but the shields adapt quickly!)

Borg Drone #5: Resistance is -...

The 'Maniacs: Eh?

Borg Drone #6: Me am feelin' great! What a good day!

Borg Drone #1: All am right, so me not want to go back to the collective and NOT run diagnostic!

Borg Drone #2: This am not fault of the Earth! Me am loving it here and everyone has great stuff to not assimilate! Me stay here - FOREVER!!!!!!

(The Borg then teleport out and leave for space along with the assimilated Bizarro Shadowman!)

Hard Chick: That was rather...sudden.

Gauntlet: Figured that the weapon onslaught would put their adaptation system into overdrive and speed up their assimilation of the Bizarro me. They should really watch who they assimilate.

Snake: Hm...I guess things turned out all right after all...

Needlegal: Yeah, and we learned something too...

Gauntlet: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you!

Needlegal: NO! I speak of a deeper wisdom. We learned that the Borg are really annoying! They took a lot of our cool stuff! We never even got a chance to try that jet! Where was the jet being kept anyway? Did you know about the jet? At least we gave them a phobia about this place so that they won't come back.

Gemini: Yeah, they do suck!

Top: Well, until Bizarro Shadowman returns as the Borg Queen, we are...the Mechanical Maniacs!


This epilogue was inspired by Toyfare magazine!

Sean as .....

Jacob as .....

Psycho Magnet as .....

Sarah as .....

Hard Chick
Nightmare as .....

Geminiman Red
C.J. as .....

Lennon as .....

Titanium 91 as .....

Gauntlet as .....



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