Series 6 Issue #6 - Con-spiracy
By Gauntlet (Shadowman), Raijin (Snakeman), and The Spinning Demon (Topman)
(The Maniacs meet up at the courthouse of Monsteropolis. After a rash of petty misdemeanors perpetrated by controversial residents of Monsteropolis, a new court judge is appointed. The Mayor has charged him with cleaning up the city.)
Prosecutor: Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict?
Quintesson: I have.
Prosecutor: Guilty or innocent?
Gi: Wait! What kind of justice is this? We don't even get a jury or a trial?
Wheeler: Yeah, man! This is America! And in America we're entitled to a fair trial! And I'm an American, damn it!
Linka: Shut up, Veeler! Your honor, this man does not speak for all of us. I vould like us to be tried separately.
Ma-ti: Oh, no ... I cannot go to jail! I would not survive.
Prosecutor: Silence or you will be held in contempt of this court!
Kwami: This is because I'm black isn't it? I did nothing wrong! It was this asshole who has the fire power. Why the hell are we all paying for whitey's mistake?
Wheeler: HEY!
Kwami: Why the hell can't you control your power?
Wheeler: I can't help it if my ring goes off every time I say the word fire!
Kwami: There! You just said it again! If we had our rings we would be fucking screwed.
Prosecutor: I repeat...guilty or innocent?
...
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) Innocent!
Ma-ti: OH THANK GAIA!
Quintesson: Feed them to the Sharkticons!
...
Ma-ti: What!?
(The floor drops from under the Planeteers and they are torn to pieces by the Sharkticons below.)
The Maniacs: (from the gallery) Ewwww...
Needlegal: That's a shame, I actually didn't mind them.
Shadowman: Yeah, their obnoxiously perky demeanor really was touching. It's like I had a void in me, and they filled it.
Hardman: Th' Sharkticons'd surely say th' same thing.
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) Next victim! I mean defendant!
(Rita Repulsa advances to the stand.)
Quintesson: State your case!
Rita: I-
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) Enough! Your voice is intolerable! I will not bear witness to it any longer. GUILTY!
(Rita Repulsa is dropped into the Sharkticon pit.)
Spark Chan: I can't believe the Mayor approved that racist bill.
Topman: What, the "Emigration/Restoration" bill? I think it's somewhat sweet, actually.
Spark Chan: You think it's sweet that Monsteropolis is banishing all immigrants in the name of some phony ideal of "restoring the community to its former prime"?
Topman: What?! No! I just meant the name... it's really a lovely name! It's like a poem.
Hardman: Well, I think th' whole deal stinks somethin' awful.
Geminiman: That's very noble of you, Hardman, I didn't know you had such a sentimental side.
Hardman: Sentimental nothin', my clientele is shot t' shit! Those 90's has-beens 're heavy drinkers, man!
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) The next defendant may approach the bench.
(Crickets chirp.)
Quintesson: Will the defendant Carmen Sandiego approach the bench?
(Crickets chirp.)
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? ...bah, no matter! Bring the next one! Where is... (reads off the list of offenders) Where is Waldo?
Prosecutor: We believe he's somewhere in this courtroom, your honor... but, well, there's a lot of people.
Bailiff 1: I found his cane.
Bailiff 2: I found his hat!
Bailiff 3: I found his shoe... ...why would he have left his shoe?
Snakeman: It has seemed a lot emptier around the city the past few days.
Topman: But what will this mean for our ongoing adventures? What will we do without the wacky antics of crossover characters to supplement our witty banter?
Magnetman: Perhaps we can finally buckle down and partake in missions of the seriousness and importance one would expect of a team of robot police.
Shadowman: ...BLASPHEMY!!
Quintesson: Silence! I will not allow this mockery to continue. We will proceed to the next case; bring in the next prisoner... the GHOST OF STARSCREAM!
(crickets chirp)
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) Why are we missing so many of our prisoners, Bailiff?
Geminiman: (rising from his seat) He is not missing, your Honour. He's just a ghost.
Quintesson: Oh, really? And what makes you the expert in paranormal affairs?
Geminiman: Well, I suppose that would be my expertise in paranormal affairs, your Honour. I am, after all, the Robot Police Department's lead Paranormal Investigator.
Quintesson: Yes, bore me to tears, I beg of you. Very well then, if the defendant has indeed arrived, then I shall place my verdict.
Topman: (As if it matters.)
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) INNOCENT!
(The floor opens up underneath where the Ghost of Starscream may or may not have been standing on.)
Quintesson: Does... does that work on ghosts?
Snakeman: (As if it matters.)
Quintesson: More prisoners!
(Once the trial ends, the 'Maniacs leave the courthouse...)
Needlegal: Oh, they got Scooby Doo! What a poor puppy.
Shadowman: Serves him right for jaywalking.
Magnetman: On that note, our shift starts soon, we'd be wise to return.
Hardman: (grunts) Yeah, those speedin' tickets won' hand 'emselves ou'.
(And so, upon arriving at the police station to receive their orders...)
Crorq: What do you pitiful INFIDELS think you're doing spending MY valuable pay hours attending some IMBECILIC court ruling?!
Needlegal: What? We weren't paid for that! Our shift doesn't even start for another ten minutes.
Crorq: Your shift starts when I TELL you it starts! You're ROBOTS, you don't need "breaks" or "designated rest periods"! Does a CAR need to rest?! Does a STOVE need to rest?!
Shadowman: Well, machines tend to break and overheat if they're used too often. I mean, if you leave the stove on -
Crorq: Haha, well then I shall be the one to break you, Maniacs! If you are too puny to withstand the amount of labour that I, Crorq the MAGNIFICENT, handle every day, then that is your own fault! From now on, you shall never leave your post! Much like the chains that hold me here, duty shall-
Shadowman: Are you done?
Crorq: -bind you to your offices! Paperwork shall be your only sustenance! Ink shall run in your blood like... like gravy! Gravy on fried chicken! And perhaps some macaroni salad on the side. And one of those little buns that some restaurants add in the box, but not if you have to pay extra for it! Oh, and-
Needlegal: Wow, he got onto his food tangent faster than usual today.
Topman: Think we could leave, have one last wacky adventure, and come back before he's finished?
Snakeman: We do have some vacation days stored up.
Crorq: *beeps and displays a happy grin* Not anymore you don't! It seems the R.P.D. supercomputer had a little malfunction, and now you don't have any vacation days at all! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Snakeman: WHAT!?
Crorq: I am CRORQ! The MAGNIFICENT! I control your fates and I say you go nowhere! Mwahah .... HAHAHAHHAHA!
Snakeman: I freakin’ hate you.
Crorq: The feeling is more than mutual, Mech!
(Snakeman pauses for a moment ... he must come up with a solution or forgo all thoughts of making his vacation. Suddenly, an idea pops into his head.)
Snakeman: Very well, Crorq, I propose we make this a battle of wits.
Crorq: None can outwit CRORQ THE UNSTOPPABLE! I am a super computer. My wits are as super sized as my fries!
(From a hidden panel Crorq produces a Super Size box of McDonalds fries and gleefully begins to eat them.)
Crorq: Your pitiful game intrigues me, so I shall play along. But beware the consequences of failure.
Snakeman: Okay then. Crorq, I only tell lies.
Crorq: So!?
Snakeman: That was a lie.
Crorq: HAH! My supercomputer brain sees through your fallacy! You just admitted you were lying so that means you're actually doing the opposite and telling the truth!
....
Crorq: But, wait! You just claimed you always lie! But if that's true then you just told me the truth! So you don't always lie!
....
Crorq: And yet, you just told me you were lying! So you couldn't .... couldn't .....
(Crorq begins to shake and smoke comes from his body. Snakeman slowly moves away from the chief of police.)
Crorq: YOU CAN’T MAKE A CIRCULAR ARGUMENT! IT DOES NOT COMPUTE!
(Crorq's screens turns black and a low hum is heard.)
Snakeman: Sweet!
(Directly after uttering those words the power goes out in RPD HQ.)
Snakeman: Not so sweet....
(Brain Bot runs into the room in a panic.)
Brain Bot: What happened!? Crorq! Who did this to you!? It’ll take hours to repair! But ... I finally had time off coming! Who did this!?
(Snakeman and the other 'Maniacs quickly exit the building. The 'Maniacs convene at Hardman's bar, which is now out of power.)
Magnetman: Nice going there, Snakeman.
Snakeman: Nobody wanted to stay for more of Crorq's mindless ranting.
???: What happened, guys? The entire city's run out of power ... and the customers won't stop coming!
Jump Jump: JUMP! JUMP!
Slide Slide: SLIDE! SLIDE!
???: I'M COMING!
Jump Jump: JUMP! JUMP!
Slide Slide: SLIDE! SLIDE!
???: I can't jump or slide with a plate of food in my hand! Not unless you'd like to change your names to "eat off the floor floor."
Shadowman: Wait, who's that?
Hardman: Who's 'o?
Shadowman: That ... blue guy. He kinda looks like Megaman. And he's telling a lame joke...
Hardman: You mean Gag?
Shadowman: Wha?
Hardman: The Running Gag!
Shadowman: Running who in the what now?
Needlegal: You don't know Gag?
Shadowman: Should I?
Hardman: He's my SON!
Shadowman: Your son?
Hardman: Yah.
Shadowman: You have a son?
Hardman: I jus' said I did.
Shadowman: Since when did you have a son?
Snakeman: Since he got drunk that time and cobbled him together from spare parts?
Shadowman: What? When did this happen? And where was I? And why didn't anyone tell me about it?
Hardman: I kept tryin' to show 'im to ya and you were always like "yeah, that's great, Hardman" an' "I'll look at it later, Hardman." Yer mem'ry's so crappy, I bet ya don' even 'member the time Tennisman and Glacierman teamed up t' take us down!
Shadowman: What? Who the hell is Tennisman?
Hardman: What? You don' remem'br th' time Unicron came back an' the future us's came back in time t' tough'n us all up and-
Shadowman: ...
Hardman: It was our biggest 'venture ever!
Magnetman: Was I there for that?
Hardman: No.
Spark Chan: How did that end anyway?
Hardman: ... that ain't the point!
Shadowman: Look, we have some free time to waste ... What do all of you wanna do?
Snakeman: I gotta get out of this city. We need to take that vacation and go somewhere far away.
Geminiman: Well, wherever we go, I'll have to leave my office unattended. I do hope my ghost employees will be alright.
Shadowman: Sure Lennon, you and your ghosts.
Geminiman: Just ignore him, Sohee. Gauntlet pretends not to remember you, Bongun, and Munak, but he would have to -
Hardman: Uhh, who're ya talkin' to?
Geminiman: My ghost associates. They're right here.
(There is no one there.)
Geminiman: ...Needle and Spark will back me up on this. They have been involved in my solo paranormal adventures.
Needlegal: Have we? It's not ringing any bells.
Spark Chan: When was this? If you have ghost friends I would love to meet them.
Geminiman: Oh come on! Bongun, I distinctly remember you grabbing Needle when we first met. How can she not remember that?
...
Geminiman: How can YOU not remember either? Munak, where are you going? . . . You're all going back to the office? . . . Fine, see you when we get back.
(The other Mechanical Maniacs watch in confusion.)
Geminiman: They'll be fine. So where should we go for our vacation?
Spark Chan: Uh .... (eyes Geminiman oddly) I think you should stay behind, hun.
Geminiman: What? Why?
Spark Chan: You all go ahead .... I'll make sure Geminiman gets some help.
Gag: Yeah, good idea. He needs it in the shape he's in.
Shadowman: (thought) I still don't know who the hell that is, but I'll just keep quiet .... Or else I'll seem as crazy as Gemini!
Magnetman: Where can we go before Crorq wakes up? With the power and networks down, teleporters are out of the question and air travel should be impossible as well...and the last thing I want to do is drive a Camaro out the Monsteropolis roadways.
Topman: Why a Corvair? I thought our thing was Sunfires. Stolen Sunfires.
Shadowman: Not anymore. We're officers of the law now, remember? Trains still run on time. I say we hop on the next one out of town! It doesn't matter where it goes!
Hardman: Can' argue wit' tha' logic. Bar's closed, bums. We're outta here.
(And so the Maniacs, minus Spark and a protesting Gemini, rush to the train station and grab tickets for the next supersonic bullet train to Toronto, of all places.)
Needlegal: We made it. Toronto's great this time of year, guys. It's got anime-sci-fi-comic-horror conventions and baseball games almost every day! I'm sure we'll have lots of fun. Is everyone on board?
(Hardman is the second-last one to get through the doors. Snakeman is right behind him.)
Snakeman: Hey, could you give me a bit more room, I'm-
(The door of the train quickly closes on Snakeman's leg.)
Snakeman: Agh! Leggo!
(The train pulls away with Snakeman stuck in the door. Snakeman screams helplessly as he's pulled along.)
(The 'Maniacs shortly arrive in Toronto.)
Snakeman: That door just ATE me! W-why didn't you stop the train...?
Needlegal: Oh, we tried! But there were some really rude people on the train.
(The really rude people pass by.)
Jump Jump: JUMP! JUMP!
Slide Slide: SLIDE! SLIDE!
Jump Jump: JUMP! JUMP!
Slide Slide: SLIDE! SLIDE!
(Jump Jump and Slide Slide jump and slide off.)
...
Hardman: Those guys're begin'n ta bug me.
Shadowman: Yeah, don't worry about them. They're just a nuisance. What we oughtta be concerned with is finding a place to stay.
Snakeman: Well ... if you say so. I'd still like to kick their ass.
Shadowman: The important thing is for us to stick together. In a big city that none of us have ever been in before, it's easy for us to get separ-... huh?
(Shadowman looks around but Top is nowhere to be found. After an impatient couple of minutes of searching for him, an orange blur alerts him to Top Man rushing back excitedly.)
Topman: (giddy) Hey boss, some guy over there's selling tickets! (He point over to a man who's yelling "TICKETS! TICKETS!") Pretty good luck, huh? A show on the same day we arrive in town?
Shadowman: Argh, Top, don't tell me you got scammed by some street scalper!
Topman: No, of course not! I'm no rube!
Shadowman: Well, what's the show for?
Topman: I dunno, the guy just kept shouting "tickets"... it was very enticing!
Shadowman: Lemme see them... (he grabs the tickets from Top's hand.) These don't even say anything on them besides the word "tickets"!
Topman: Heheh... oops?
Hardman: Alrigh', idiot, let's go find us a hotel.
Magnetman: That one looks conveniently placed.
(Magnetman points to a hotel with a sign that says "Regal Brit Hotel - Conveniently Placed At The Heart of Downtown Toronto".)
Snakeman: Looks great. Someone should go and make reservations.
Hardman: Not it.
Topman: What are you, three? Fine, I'll go make them.
(Top approaches the concierge and begins a discussion.)
Hardman: So Kenta, I've been meanin' t'ask ya. Yer Japanese, righ'? Well there was this bloke we faced a while back wen' round callin' hi'self Coun' Hakushaku, shook people up wit' the name, used it as a fear tactic. Always wanted t'know wha' the name meant.
Magnetman: Hakushaku? Hakushaku is the Japanese word for Count.
Shadowman: So Juno was calling himself Count Count?
Hardman: ...guess it don' 'nspire as much fear 's I thought.
Concierge: Let me show you to your rooms.
(The Concierge opens the doors to a modestly impressive suite.)
Magnetman: Not bad.
Topman: Oh my God! I call dibs on this room!
Snakeman: Well, they all look the same anyway...
Topman: I call dibs!
(The Mechanical Maniacs unpack and proceed to leave the hotel. They split up to explore the city with Hardman and Topman venturing underground.)
(Hardman manages to fit into the door with a small bit of effort. Topman looks around and is impressed with the area.)
Topman: Hey, look at all these stores! I'll bet we can buy a camera for the trip!
Hardman: All these stores look closed...
Topman: Nonsense! It's the weekend in downtown Toronto, right? It'd be crazy for them to not be open. I'll bet just this area is closed.
Hardman: Well ...ya could be righ'.
(Hardman and Topman proceed to go deeper and deeper into the underground tunnels, as the halls become even more dimly lit.)
Topman: There's nowhere open! I can't believe this!
Hardman: Do the ceilin's seem a little lower to ya?
Topman: What? No, they seem the same size.
Hardman: Huh. Well, let's get outta this dump.
Topman: I'm looking for an exit ... that place looks familiar, maybe that's where we came in ...
(Topman and Hardman go into the exit only to appear into a room exactly the same as the one they left.)
Hardman: What the hell's goin' on?
Topman: I dunno ...
(Topman and Hardman proceed deeper and deeper into the beige tunnels. All around them closed stores seem to close in on them. Both Hardman and Topman begin to run faster.)
Hardman: We gotta get outta here, Top. This place... everything looks the same!
Topman: I know, but what ... HOLY-!
(Two figures stand before them...)
...
...
...
Jump Jump: JUMP! JUMP!
Slide Slide: SLIDE! SLIDE!
(The floors begin to give way and the ceilings collapse! Hardman jumps for cover and Topman slides under falling debris.)
(Meanwhile, Shadowman beams with pride as he looks at a rare ninja star.)
Shadowman: I'm so glad I found this Golden Shadowblade. It looks exactly the same as the one Extant tried to use to shatter time!* And at such a deal too!
*Series 3 Finale
Needlegal: I know ... you've said that multiple times already.
Shadowman: Have I?
Needlegal:Yes.
Magnetman: Repeatedly.
...
Shadowman: Well it's true.
SFX: RUMBLE
Needlegal: Okay ... that doesn't sound good.
(The ground trembles and collapses. The 'Maniacs jump to safety.)
Needlegal: What the hell was that!?
(Topman leaps off Hardman as his enormous form bursts out of the underground!)
Topman: FINALLY!
Shadowman: What!? What happened!?
Topman: Jump Jump and Slide Slide struck again! Luckily Hardman's head was brushing against the ceiling so the cave-in barely affected him ... I was able to just crouch under him and get out without a scratch!
Hardman: Bein' a big guy comes in handy som'times.
Shadowman: Wait... wasn't Hardman small enough to fit inside of the courtroom just a little while ago?
Hardman: Yeah.
Shadowman: And now you're big enough to be unaffected by the cave in?
Magnetman: I fail to see the relevance of that point. Clearly there's a hidden conspiracy against us!
(A breathless and soaking wet Snakeman catches up with the team.)
Snakeman: What!? What did I miss? My foot got stuck in a revolving door and I got here as fast as I could! What the hell happened here!?
Hardman: Other than th' boss' poor rec'llectin'?
Shadowman: And why are you wet?
Snakeman: I went looking for an ATM. I got lost about five blocks from here and it started raining...
Topman: You know there's an ATM right there, right? (points to a machine a few meters away)
Snakeman: What, and play $1.50 in added charges?
(The day ends and the next day begins...)
Needlegal: What do you mean they stole our eyeball!?
Geminiman: (over the phone) Yeah, I just woke up and it was gone! Bongun woke me up and frantically -
Needlegal: Wait, how the hell do you know it's them? And don't tell me Bongun told you so!
Geminiman: (How can you not believe me about my ghosts?) It was pretty obvious! They signed their name on our wall!
...
Needlegal: Oh, damn it.
Hardman: Wha'? Somethin' wrong back at home?
Needlegal: The Sinister Six PC stole the mechanical eyeball off the top of the Technodrome.
(Back at Monsteropolis)
Torchman: With this eyeball, the Mech's mojo shall be ours! None will be able to stop us! For we are the one and only, true Megaman 3 team, the Sinister Six!
Oilman: Will you stop shouting? Everyone will know where we are!
(Back at the 'Maniacs hotel)
Magnetman: This happened because none of you take them seriously!
Shadowman: Whatever. We're on vacation.
Snakeman: Yeah ... Spark Chan and Geminiman can handle it.
Needlegal: Except Geminiman's acting like a schitz.
Snakeman: Yeah, well ... I still don’t want to care.
Topman: GAHH!
Shadowman: What's wrong?
Topman: I checked my account and ... I'm out $600!
Hardman: Wha'?
Needlegal: That can't be right.
Topman: Oh, it's right alright. And when I spoke to the bank representative, she said the extra charge came from this hotel!
Magnetman: We have to find these people and destroy them! Quickly and brutally!
Hardman: Van with bats. That's all I gotta say.
Shadowman: Before we resort to that clever plan, I suggest we speak with the manager.
(The 'Maniacs go to the Concierge and demand to speak with the manager.)
Concierge: This is a serious problem. I'll get the manager. We'll straighten this mess out!
Topman: Well ... good. Thanks.
Needlegal: (places an arm around Top calmingly) Don't worry, Tops. It looks like they'll have this sorted out in no time.
Xelloss: You bet we will! You are my top priority!
The Mechanical Maniacs: XELLOSS!?
Xelloss: That's my name! Don't wear it out.
Hardman: What th' hell are you doin' here?
Xelloss: What else? I run this hotel!
Topman: Come again?
Xelloss: The Mazoku Community was just so much fun that I decided to run another version of the same thing. This hotel! It offers the epitome of service and offers only the best in quality.
Hardman: Like when you tried to take over my bar and run it for me?*
(*Series 6 #2)
Xelloss: Now, now, let's not get all caught up in that! At any rate, let's see that bill of yours.
(Xelloss puts on a pair of reading glasses and scowls at the computer screen in front of him.)
Xelloss: Tsk tsk... what a silly mistake. I'll have this corrected immediately for you!
Topman: ...really?
Xelloss: Absolutely! Of course, since it's the weekend, none of the banks are open, but first thing Monday morning we'll get it all settled!
Magnetman: Monday?!
Topman: What am I supposed to do for two more days without any money??
Xelloss: Well, if you'd like, you can buy some money from us.
Shadowman: BUY money from you?
Xelloss: Yes. Since we accidentally drained you of your bank funds, we'll allow you to use your credit card to pay for cash from our till.
Needlegal: That seems like a very convoluted solution to this problem. He's basically giving you more of his money.
Xelloss: It's the best we can do. Please understand we are doing everything we can to rectify this problem.
Topman: Except actually giving me my money.
(Xelloss shrugs.)
Topman: (sigh) Alright, fine, I guess I don't really have any other choice.
Xelloss: Thank you for your continued patronage!
Topman: (muttering as they walk away) Thank you for your continued... dumb...face!
Shadowman: Clever.
Needlegal: Someone's gotta teach that Xelloss a lesson.
Hardman: Not it.
Magnetman: No, she's right. This is an injustice.
Hardman: Well, I got my own brand'a justice. O' the van an' bat variety.
Magnetman: No. What we need is to exact full vengeance! Sticky, messy, and violent! We will take from Xelloss tenfold what he has taken from us!
(Minutes later...)
Topman: We're trashing our hotel room?
Magnetman: And documenting it to savor the victory for years to come! (Magnetman holds up a camera.)
Snakeman: The camera's upside down, Magnet.
Magnetman: It's this damned American technology! (Magnet passes the camera to Top and begins to dismantle the television.) Let's see how well your American technology stands up against the DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF MAGNETS! ...make sure to take lots of pictures.
Hardman: (crouched down by the now-upturned bed) Er... Needle, ya left yer bra here.
Needlegal: Um, that's not mine.
Topman: Delightful. Really high-class joint Xelloss has running here.
Magnetman: We'll put the bra on top of the destroyed television as a coup de grâce!
Topman: A coup de bra?
Shadowman: Alright men, we've done enough damage now, let's head out. Hard, you block the door until we're gone from the building, make sure nobody gets in.
Hardman: ...not it.
Shadowman: No, you are it. In fact, you're the only it. Seeing as you can't seem to fit through the door at your current size.
Hardman: ... damn.
(The team begins descending the stairs.)
Topman: Y'know, this revenge scheme really doesn't make me feel much better about losing all my money to this stupid hellhole.
Shadowman: Yeah, the customer service industry sure has gone downhill in recent years.
Topman: Wait, customer service! That's it!
(And so...)
Topman: You really dug yourself into a hole this time, Xelloss.
Xelloss: Oh, is that so? Do tell.
Shadowman: Way we see it, you've got a sizeable investment in this little enterprise of yours.
Snakeman: And you wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize it, would you?
Hardman: An' take it from a customer service perfeshunal, there's nothin' worse fer business than an unhappy customer.
Needlegal: And you didn't mess with us on a personal level this time, you messed with paying customers.
Topman: So unless you want a lot of bad press, you're gonna do something to compensate us for all of this trouble.
Xelloss: Your infantile whining will do nothing but feed-
Topman: (loudly) Well if you're going to be rude, perhaps we'll take our business elsewhere!
Xelloss: ...ALRIGHT. A complimentary breakfast for your team, and my personal guarantee that your money will be returned to you by tomorrow.
Topman: Deal.
(Xelloss hands the 'Maniacs a coupon.)
Xelloss: But remember, Maniacs, I may not be able to exact my vengeance now, but once you check out of the hotel, you are no longer my customers, but my enemies, and you will pay!
Shadowman: Oh, I'm not so sure about that, Xelloss. As members of the Robot Police Department, we're arresting you for violation of the Emigration/Restoration Act.
Xelloss: You... you... you were intending on arresting me all along!
(The hotel begins to shake and rumble)
Topman: What the Heck!?
Xelloss: You think you're so clever, Mechs? Well, the joke's on you! For this entire hotel is Cityman!
Hardman: CITYMAN!?
Xelloss: That's right! He's the entire block!
Topman: Then ... he must've been responsible for that cave in and not Jump Jump and Slide Slide!
Xelloss: That's right... and now you'll all die!
Magnetman: But what about all the people here? And the investment you put in the hotel!? If you destroy us this way you'll condemn everyone here ... and your business reputation will be ruined forever!
...
(Cityman stops rumbling.)
Xelloss: Well played, Mechs.
Snakeman: (Cuffs Xelloss and radios the local R.P.D.) You know, I hate arresting people on an empty stomach.
(Magnetman finishes drawing a doodle of an exploding television and a bra on an express checkout form)
Magnetman: Our work is done here.
Shadowman: We have better things to be doing now. Let's go guys.
(Everyone heads out the doors. Snakeman's head-tail gets caught as the door closes behind him and gets cut off.)
Snakeman: Agh! Damnit!...That's going to take a while to grow back.
(Xelloss is soon taken away. The next day, Topman eventually regains his money and the Maniacs enjoy an all-expenses paid breakfast at a nearby café)
Needlegal: That was quite a meal. Nice going, Top!
Topman: The lady at the counter says we still have a few dollars worth of stuff to pick out.
Hardman: Really?...Did they ferget ta count dese muffins, or...
Shadowman: They're not on the bill.
Needlegal: So do we tell them or...I can tell from the look in Gauntlet's eyes that's not going to happen.
Shadowman: (nods) Grab some more milks guys, we've earned it.
(The Maniacs start to head out)
Shadowman: Um...you coming Needle?
Needlegal: (struggling in her seat) Could somebody help me? My spikes are stuck to the chair.
(Everyone groans. Hardman lumbers over and plucks Needlegal up along with the seat, and then begins picking pieces of the chair off of her.)
Shadowman: Um, we'll say that's on the Hotel as well.
Topman: Geez, I can't believe you still haven't gotten used to your new abilities, Needle!
Needlegal: Oh, come on, this is hardly as bad as you all were when we first got our TM2 armour...
(Flashback to a training session a few months ago. The Mechanical Maniacs are in a large simulation chamber using their weapons against an ongoing production of Pipis and Terries.)
Geminiman: (Throwing his glowsticks) Damn, they respawn so fast!
Shadowman: Way faster than they used to. What were the designers thinking?
Needlegal: (standing off in the corner) I'm just going to let you guys do this part. I'm not up to it.
Snakeman: Come on! You at least have to do your own- (gets hit by a Terry) Ow! (shoots) This setup is so awkward, my usually flawless timing has been thrown off. (Gets hit by a bird) Ahh! My timing!
Hardman: Uh, wha'th'hell is th' boss doin'?
(Shadowman is constantly sliding back and forth, occasionally falling into a ditch.)
Shadowman: Huh? What? (Tries to throw a Shadow Blade. It gets embedded in the ground a couple feet in front of him.) That's not - (Jumps and faceplants) Ow! Nothing is where I expect it to be! I'm used to the old system!
Topman: Do you want some help, Gauntlet?
Shadowman: (sighs) No, I got it. (fires Magnet Missiles at the flying robots.)
Spark Chan: What? You are totally cheating!
Snakeman: (gets hit and continually misses his targets) AGH! My timing!
(flashback ends)
Shadowman: We are never to mention that day again.
Hardman: Man, this trip rocked. We kicked ass and took names!
Topman: (While flipping frantically through address book) Damn it, I didn't take any names!!
Shadowman: We still have a couple more duties to attend to...
(The 'Maniacs return to Monsteropolis and witness another trial... the Quintesson judge floats behind the bench, ready to condemn the accused.)
Xelloss: Really, now .... Is all this necessary? I'm just a humble hotel manager-
Prosecutor: Would you like to beg for your life? It sometimes helps, but ... not often.
...
Xelloss: Your Imperial Magistrate, I can see you are a stern and unbending interpreter of the law. And for that you have my eternal respect. I sincerely wish to be as firm and resolute as yourself.
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) I thank you for your compliments, but flattery will get you nowhere.
Xelloss: I'm just confused. Because you're such a stern interpreter of the law, but you .... seem to have made a rather glaring oversight.
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) An oversight?
Xelloss: Currently you are deporting all immigrants, and for this I understand and applaud your methods, however... You yourself are an immigrant to this city. And since you are a stern and unbending interpreter of the law, I ask you ... are you yourself guilty or innocent?
....
Quintesson: (whirrrr-click) Guilty!
(A hatch drops out from under both the Quintesson Prosecutor and judge and they fall into the Sharkticon pit. The gallery gasps in shock.)
Hardman: Wait, wha'? What jus' happened?
Xelloss: What an admirable "man"! Let his dedication to justice be an inspiration to all!
Magnetman: If you feel that way, then why don't you throw yourself into the Sharkticon pit!?
Xelloss: Oh, no. I'm a monster and we are dedicated anarchists ... as far as the human realm is concerned anyway. Since all three tribunal judges have been ... dispatched (giggle) I guess I'm off the hook!
Snakeman: Hold up!
Xelloss: Tata!
(Xelloss disappears and the 'Maniacs can only gape in shock.)
(Hours later, Jump Jump and Slide Slide make their own way back to Monsteropolis.)
Jump Jump: JUMP! JUMP!
Slide Slide: SLIDE! SLIDE!
Lan: AHH! MY TIMING!
(Suddenly an ominous black van pulls onto the side of the road. Several figures dressed all in black carrying gleaming metal bats step out into the dusk.)
Jump Jump, Slide Slide: ...
Shadowman: Okay, let's do this thing.
Magnetman: You have only yourselves to blame!
(The 'Maniacs, minus Spark and Needle (who are back at the base buying a new eyeball for the Technodrome on eBay) violently beat down both Jump Jump and Slide Slide.)
Topman: That was rather cathartic.
Shadowman: We must never speak of this again.
Topman: Or at least to Crorq.
Shadowman: He probably heard that.
(As the Maniacs pull the van into the driveway of the Technodrome...)
Needlegal: What's with the conspicuous shadowy van?
Hardman: Baseball practice.
Needlegal: (skeptical) Baseball practice?
Hardman: Yeah, y'know... bats... jumps... slides... like I said, baseball.
Spark Chan: Is that oil on your baseball bats?
Hardman: ...mos' probably.
Shadowman: The important thing is that all of the unconnected loose ends of our adventure were somehow resolved satisfactorily.
...
Topman: Well, then I guess things turned out alright.
Magnetman: I guess.
Snakeman: Hey, wait, Top Man stole my line.
Shadowman: And we learned something too.
Needlegal: Really? I didn't. And that's a first for me.
Snakeman: Hold up, this seems... unfamiliar.
Shadowman: We learned that there's a way out of any situation... there's always hope. At first it looked like we were screwed thanks to Cityman ... and then it looked like Xelloss was screwed ... but, in the end, we all managed to get out scott free.
Geminiman: But not the Quintesson Judge.
Shadowman: No, not him.
Topman: Well, then I guess everything turned out alright.
Snakeman: Augh! The timing!!!!
Spark Chan: Well, until Gemini Man stops talking to himself...
Geminiman: I'm talking to GHOSTS!
Spark Chan: (Sure you are, hun) we are, the Mechanical Maniacs!
The End
Dedicated to the 'Maniacs Meet of 2007 (where we came up with 90% of the plot points and jokes found herein) and 2008 (where we finally wrote this epilogue up together).
Read Raijin's Log of the first 'Maniacs Meet!
View the photo gallery of the first 'Maniacs Meet!
Cast: |
|||||
| Classi Cal as ..... |  Spark Chan |
Raijin as ..... | Snakeman |
Psycho Magnet as ..... |  Needlegal |
| Hadrian Howell as ..... |  Hardman |
Nightmare as ..... | Topman |
||
| Lennon as ..... |  Geminiman |
Kenta (Kassidy) Eigen as ..... |  Magnetman |
Gauntlet as ..... | Shadowman |
