Series 9 Issue #35 - Kingdom Hearts 2 - 1 + (.5 + .1) First Cut: A pointless sidequest
By
Gauntlet (Shadowman)
The Wily Underground. Literally underground, under many old and obsolete levels of the multi faceted city of Monsteropolis, this tucked away blemish of the city is home to all the unwanted robots shunned by polite society mainly due to their use by the deceased Dr. Wily in his attempts to take over the world years prior. They've banded together and scavenge for energy and other supplies. And they are, sadly, constantly under-supplied.
Doc Robot: We've got to do something about our lack of Energen! I mean ... we can't keep doing this!
(The robots of the Underground groan in frustration as the de-facto leader of the underground rants and raves in their makeshift "power plant" which consists of several power stations to plug compatible robots into. These power stations are jerry rigged and resemble some sort of medieval torture device. Many members of the Underground are there as they conduct this impromptu meeting.)
Dynamoman: We know. We always know. You don't need to keep repeating it.
Doc Robot: The RPD have discovered our siphons off their power plants. We're cut off - OUCH! Watch it!
Expressman: Sorry, Doc. This ain't my area of expertise.
(Expressman finishes up strapping Doc Robot into one of these stations and the latter grumbles as the siphon starts its work.)
Sparkman: (getting into his own station) The same power plants that generate a bunch of Evil Energy, right?
Expressman: Energy's energy, Mech.
Bitman: Yeah, pipe down, Mech!
Sparkman: You know this whole place gets a lot nastier when we're full of that crap, right?
Bitman: Tell ya what? Howzabout you stop taking it if you don't like it?
Waveman: Or you could just generate power for everyone. That's what you were built for, right?
Sparkman: What do you think I'm doing here, Wave? Getting a haircut? - EEEOWCH!
(Sparkman jerks as Expressman jabs him with a power coupler.)
Expressman: Sorry. Like I said, Doc's the expert here.
Bitman: Quit yer bellyaching. I've been spending a lot of time generating power myself for everyone here.
Needlegal: You have!?
Dynamoman: He has, actually.
Cloudman: That's just one of the reasons we like them more than you lot.
Hardman: Hey! We gave everyone enough power for the entire Underground, remember?
Expressman: Yeah, and you blew it all to hell too, remember?*
Multiman: Look, I know it's lame to strap yourselves in as a battery, but it's for the good of the entire Underground. Bitman doesn't even complain when he has to!
Multiman: And the Six complain about everything.
Barrageman: Unit Barrageman has recorded several hours worth of Torchman complaints recorded in his memory banks. Shall Units Mechanical Maniacs enjoy listening to them?
Geminiman: We need Sparkman on missions!
Expressman: Tough shit, Mechs! We're all needed on missions. You have to pull the load too.
Dynamoman: (Although I think Quickman's needed more than some robots I could name.)
Expressman: What was that!?
Barrageman: Units Cloudman, Dynamoman, and Bitman have all agreed. Unit Sparkman will not shirk his function.
Doc Robot: Even I'm contributing by mimicking lazybones Sparkman's abilities! If we all work together we can store a lot of power for everyone!
Needlegal: You know he makes a pretty valid point there.
Snakeman: Yeah, I think we should really pull our weight and -
Sparkman: No! Bullshit! This is communism! You guys aren't the ones who have to sit idly by with that big lug over there - EEEOW!
(Expressman once again jolts Sparkman as he inserts another coupler.)
Sparkman: THAT WAS ON PURPOSE!
Bitman: Screw you, Mech!
Sparkman: (ripping free of the various cords being plugged into him) I refuse to generate power for a whole level full of people who'd rather shoot at us than help us!
Piano: You're such a jerk.
W. Waltz: So lame.
Sparkman: Bite me!
Geminiman: Spark, it'd be best if you just went along to get along.
Doc Robot: You will listen to me! I am the leader here! Me, me, me!
Needlegal: King probably wouldn't appreciate that statement...
Doc Robot: King is just figurehead! Everyone knows that!
Topman: Dammit, Spark, why do you have to be like this every single time? When worse comes to worse you electric types just have to strap yourselves in for a little while and -
Sparkman: That's easy for you to say! Look, there's a bunch of other electrical generating robot... what if I roped them into taking my place? Would that get me off the hook?
(The non-Mechs scoff at the idea.)
Dynamoman: Typical.
Piano: I can't believe this.
Geminiman: The crowd's revolting.
Sparkman: I know.
Bass: Was that a crack!?
Oilman: I can't believe this.
Expressman: We can't bring unauthorized robots into the underground!
Sparkman: I can fix that! I'll just scramble their GPS so they'll have no idea how they got here or where they are! Come on! Elecman may be a gremlin, but he's about as good as me, right? And Fuseman's practically one of us already! And what about that Voltman guy?
Doc Robot: Oh, fine! If Sparkman can get some of those guys to help us then you're off the hook this time! I am so sick of your whining!
Bitman: I can't freakin' believe you.
Dynamoman: SO like a Mech.
Sparkman: SHUT UP!
Bass: Why do we let them stay here, again?
Multiman: I can't say I remember at the moment.
Oilman: Maybe we should rethink it a bit, hmmmm?
Waveman: Awwwww, don't fight, you guys!
Sparkman: Yeah, don't fight - just accept that I'm not gonna do this crap anymore! I'll find some replacements so you guys will get all the power I woulda made and then some! So quit bellyaching.
Needlegal: Stop talking, damn it!
Sparkman: Aw, who cares?
(Later, Sparkman, Topman, and Geminiman arrive at their first location.)
Sparkman: I can't believe Shadowman cared so much! Isn't his thing blowing the team off to watch a movie or ditching to steal some lame car with a name he likes?
Geminiman: He hasn't done that in decades.
Topman: You made a total ass of yourself.
Sparkman: He and Mags just blew the meeting off! I don't think they have the right to complain. Even Bass' crew were they and they don't even have a dog in this fight.
Topman: I guess they like to stay in the loop.
Sparkman: meh
Geminiman: What is your major malfunction?
Sparkman: You mean besides being ripped from a place I called home for 15 years? Without saying goodbye to a lot of good friends I made there?
Geminiman: Erm, yes, besides that!
Sparkman: Other than living like a mole for crimes I didn't commit since that yellow turd Crorq can't tell the difference between me and the green haired girl robot he's actually mad at?
Topman: He can tell the difference. He just doesn't care.
Sparkman: And now I've gotta strap myself in and be used as a freakin' battery for a buncha guys I couldn't care less about? Including the freakin' Sinister Six!? (And it kills me that they are still using that name!)
Geminiman: All of our friends have tried to kill us at some point, you can't let it bother you so much.
Topman: You've tried to kill us, Len.
Geminiman: Exactly!
Sparkman: Not everyone stomps on the memory of your friends by stealing their old team's name. *sigh* I just didn't think we'd be trapped down there for so long.
Topman: At least Gem and I agreed to help you dig yourself out of this grave you've dug while the others are after Fuse and Elecman. Let's just get on with our mission. First up is Voltman on this "Island of Misfit Robots." His pals are all in the Underground, so I think he'll be pretty easy to convince to help us out.
Massageman: The super computer detected visitors! It's true! New people have come! Welcome, welcome!
Topman: "Welcome"? Uh .... you guys don't get much news here do you?
Massageman: No, no we don't. Care for a soothing massage? I never get to utilize my amazing skills out here!
Sparkman: Sure why not? We're looking for (hey, not bad) we're looking for Voltman. We heard he's living here.
Massageman: Oh yes he's here all right! How's this feel?
Sparkman: Uh ... getting a little rough ...
Massageman: YES! It has to be rough to work out all those kinks you've built up. It has to be harder and HARDER!
(Sparkman shocks Massageman.)
Sparkman: Enough already!
Massageman: Too much?
I Can't Find My Keys, Man: I FINALLY FOUND IT!
Topman: What?
(The running robot tramples all over a surprised Topman and he runs around with joy.)
Massageman: Good for you, Keys!
Sparkman: Who was - ?
???: Don't let him get away!
???: Gorsh - LOOK OUT!
???: GWAAAAHHHHHHH! *Incomprehensible quacking*
(The three strangers crash right into Geminiman and Sparkman.)
???: Owwww.
???: HEY! Watch where you're going!
Geminiman: Watch it yourself!
Sparkman: What is the big idea?
???: He's stolen the Keyblade!
I Can't Find My Keys, Man: I didn't steal nothing! I finally found my keys, man, and these guys wanna take 'em from me!
Massageman: Hey, that's not cool! He's been looking for those things for a long time!
???: That doesn't belong to him!
Massageman: Guys! I need some help!
Itchman: I'm here, Keys!
Voltman: I'll stop that trespasser!
Armorman: Let me at 'em! I'll crush 'em! I'll tear 'em apart!!
Sparkman: Hey, there's Voltman! HEY, VOLT! I HAVE A FAVOUR TO ASK YOU!
Voltman: Shaddap! I don't even know who you are. And anyway, I've gotta kick this guy's ass for picking on I Have A Really Long Name Man!
???: BRING IT!
???: *Quacks incomprehensibly*
???: Gorsh, it looks like we have another fight on our hands.
Sparkman: I guess I'll just wait. This won't take long.
(The fight is pathetically short. Itchman defeats himself as he constantly scratches his own body until the mysterious boy knocks him out. Armorman yells at everyone as the other two strangers easily beat Voltman has he jumps around. It's clear he's too heavy to move quickly, so everyone just ignores him. Massageman becomes distracted as he tries to massage Itchman while he's unconscious.)
Massageman: Poor Itchman looks like he really needs this. He'll thank you when he wakes up.
Armorman: Hey! You haven't won yet! FIGGHGGGHHHHT MEEEE!! FIIIIIIIGHHHHT MEEEEE!
Voltman: *huff puff* you bullies...
???: Serves you right.
???: Look!
I Can't Find My Keys, Man: I gotta get away from these guys! Gotta get away with my precious giant key!
(Keys runs off into a mysterious black portal that just happens to show up.)
Voltman: Keys!
???: The Keyblade! Oh no!
Geminiman: Well, that was a fun distraction. Now, Voltman -
Voltman: Geminiman? I mean you're the same Geminiman I know from way back, right?
Geminiman: Ah, you remember my radiance!
Voltman: The same Geminiman who "turned evil", joined the Scissor Army wrecking cities all over the globe, and then also joined the cops busting "renegade robots"?
Geminiman: Erm, no, the "White Knight of the Scissor Army" was another, devilishly handsome robot also named Geminiman ... maybe the one form Gamma's Disciples? You've heard of them, right?
Voltman: Screw you and whatever it is you want.
Geminiman: HEY!
Topman: Look, this isn't just for us, this will also help the Sinister Six.
Voltman: Oh, in that case ... screw you AND those jerks!
Topman: What!?
Voltman: They sicced a bunch of Bizarros on us, screw 'em! We've stayed here to AVOID that cast of loonies.
Topman: Fair.
Sparkman: Are there any vacancies?
Voltman: NO!
???: Um, I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.
Voltman: YOU THINK!?
???: My name's Sora. And this is Donald. And he's Goofy.
Goofy: Hi!
Sora: That friend of yours took something very important - the Keyblade. Please ... without it this world could fall into Darkness!
Voltman: Huh?
Sora: The Darkness is swallowing up the entire world. The Heartless are the first sign. They consume people's hearts. If I don't use the Keyblade to lock this world away from Darkness the Heartless will consume it!
Voltman: The ... ?
Goofy: When a person is consumed by Darkness they become a Heartless. They're like a buncha mean shadows.
Voltman: Mean shadows. Sounds like a guy I know.
Goofy: And, well gorsh, people who have no heart at all are called Nobodies! They are people who've lost their heart to Darkness, but leave their body behind.
Voltman: Wait, so Nobodies have no heart and Heartless have no bodies!?
Goofy: Now you get it!
Voltman: I do get it. You people are crazy!
Donald: *Quacks incomprehensibly*
Sparkman: Hey, if we rescue that Keys guy will you go with us to the Underground and help the Wily Underground build some power reserves?
Voltman: Well .... okay. Keys is a good friend, so I guess I'll help you if you help him.
Sora: You have to help your friends. You have a good heart ... uh ...
Geminiman: (Voltman.)
Sora: Voltman.
Voltman: Take yer meds!
Donald: *Quacks incomprehensibly*
Goofy: Don't let him get to you, Donald, he's just a grump.
Sparkman: Looks like you guys can help us find Keys, so we're stuck with each other. I'm Sparkman, he's Geminiman, and he's Topman.
Topman: Hey, guys!
Sora: I'm Sora! And he's Donald! And he's Goofy!
Goofy: Hi!
Geminiman: So ... does no one notice that those two are ... ?
Sparkman: So what about that dark portal thingamagic?
Goofy: The pathways of Darkness. Gorsh he could wind up anywhere!
Meanwhile, "anywhere," I Can't Find My Keys, Man emerges from the Darkness into an almost pitch black room....
Mr. Holzenbein: Is this the fool you wanted?
Tar: He's so scared he's shaking in his boots. Heh heh heh.
I Can't Find My Keys, Man: Aw, man, where the heck am I!?
Woman: You ran straight into the Darkness without hesitation. How bold. Truly the mark of a stout heart.
I Can't Find My Keys, Man: Uh....
Woman: But I'm being rude. Allow me to introduce myself. I am known as .... Maleficent. Mistress of Evil!
I Can't Find My Keys, Man: Has anyone told you you look exactly like Angelina Jolie?
Princess: Aw, fuck introductions. That giant key thing's right here! Let's smash this loser and take it!
Maleficent: Patience, Princess! This one may be of use. Destroying him may prove too hasty. And imagine how much more formidable we could be ... were he to join us!
Tar: Him?
I Can't Find My Keys, Man: Erm ... me?
Mr. Holzenbien: Join who exactly?
Princess: Him?
(The Mechanical Maniacs make it to Monsteropolis along with the spiky haired kid and the two animals.)
Geminiman: (staring directly at Donald and Goofy) And ... nobody is going to mention the obvious? Nobody!?
Goofy: The coast is clear, fellas! There aren't any, um, "police bots" around.
Donald: It's pretty weird that we're running away from the cops.
Sora: It's like Wonderland, where the Queen wants to cut off everyone's heads. The authorities here can't be trusted.
Topman: They definitely can't!
Sparkman: (Now that you aren't the authorities, right?)
Topman: (Don't complicate things!)
Sora: The Keyblade is close.
Goofy: How do ya know, Sora?
Sora: I can feel it. In my heart.
Topman: (Oh brother. Are we really going along with this?)
Sparkman: (Where could a guy like that wind up?)
Geminiman: (Where indeed?) So where does your "heart" tell you it is?
...
Sora: (with certainty) There! In that building right there!
...
Geminiman: Uh, you may not be aware, but that's Robot Police headquarters.
Sora: That makes sense. The bad guys must really want my Keyblade and you said they were consumed by Darkness.
Geminiman: I mean, the entire city is powered by "Evil Energy" which can mean -
Topman: Yes, yes, they're consumed by Darkness (just keep things simple, Gem).
Sparkman: That isn't a place we can just walk into, you know. It's crawling with robots and you're just a kid right now. A kid with really, really big feet.
Topman: And anime hair.
Geminiman: And is nobody bothered by the two walking, talking -
Sora: It doesn't matter! You guys can stay here, but I'm going!
Goofy: And we're coming with you!
Donald: Right!
(The trio rush ahead.)
Geminiman: Ohhhh ... we can't just let him kill himself.
Topman: We can't? I mean ... this has gotten to be a lot more trouble than we signed on for. Our job was to get Voltman to help us generate more power for the Wily Underground, remember? It wasn't to rescue I Can't Find A Better Name Man and it definitely wasn't to babysit a preteen dead set on getting himself arrested. There's gotta be another energy-generating robot we can talk into helping us.
Sparkman: The Robot Police have been hopped on on Evil Energy for a while and that kid is clueless! I get that we're not heroes anymore and, yes, this isn't what we set out on doing, but we can't just stand back and let the kid get hurt. And, Besides, all this is still better than being in the same room as freakin' Bitman. Maybe we can still make this easy, come on!
(Sparkman gets ready to jog after Sora, Donald, and Goofy.)
Geminiman: Getting involved in a raid on RPD HQ is not going to be easy! Ohhhhhh -
(The Mechs rush off to see Sora face off against weird ant-like shadow creatures.)
Topman: What in ... ?
Geminiman: More Shadowman clones? I swear it's driving the guy crazy.
Sparkman: Shadowman isn't a weird ant creature and he's never even really been a "shadow - man", you know?
Topman: Not him, no, but there was that one knockoff of him we met once.*
(The Shadow creatures start to attack the Mechs as they approach.)
Geminiman: We have got to tell him about these. Can you imagine his reaction?
Topman: I find it insulting that Crorq only knocked off Shadowman. Come on! There are eight of us! Where's the evil Topman?
Goofy: It's the Heartless!
Geminiman: You mean the leftovers after a heart is out of their body without them being dead or something?
Goofy: No, hearts who were consumed by Darkness!
Sora: I told you! I told you the Heartless were real!
Sparkman: Uh, if you say so. I still think it's way more likely these are weird Shadowman clones.
Sora: Nothing will stop me from getting the Keyblade back! Let's go, guys!
(The Mechs, Donald, and Goofy all battle against the Heartless as Sora dodges. Eventually all of the creatures are dissipated.)
Geminiman: There really were "mean shadow creatures."
Donald: We told you so!
Goofy: Gorsh, if you didn't believe us, why did you follow us all the way here?
Geminiman: Because we can't let a buncha loonies run around trying to pick fights with the robot police?
Topman: I mean, I could, but they can't.
Donald: Who're you calling a loon!?
Goofy: Yeah, he's a duck!
Donald: *Quacks incomprehensibly*
Sora: Thanks, guys! Whatever you're reasons were, we really appreciate it! You're all really good friends
Topman: Uh ... yeah.
Goofy: Gorsh, the rest of this will be really easy with you all to help us out. Thanks a bunch! Hyuk!
Sparkman: Yeah, uh ... this is actually kind of not what we're here to do.
Sora: (in shock) What do you mean?
Geminiman: He means that we really just wanted to get Voltman's help, not fight the RPD and a bunch of weird shadow creatures.
Sparkman: Hey, come on! We need to get Voltman's help to generate more power so I don't have to sit beside Bitman and Doc Robot for hours!
Topman: We'll find some other electricity generating robot! And, besides, we came in to stop chuckles here from getting himself killed. We can't take on the entire Robot Police Department!
Geminiman: I agree with Topman - there's a line, man. We are running on fumes and this is the literal definition of "not our problem!" Our problem - the one we were actually getting hammered on by our fellow Wily Undergrounders - was that we don't have enough to eat. That is what we need to focus on. Not getting caught up in another wild save-the-world adventure.
Sparkman: I ... I guess you're right. It feels kinda wrong, but I suppose we can find someone else. Maybe if we reprogram Plugman ...
Goofy: So you're not gonna help us rescue I Can't Find My Keys, Man?
Topman: We don't even know the guy!
Donald: Selfish!
Topman: Says the guy asking for one HELL of a favor!
Sora: I understand. This isn't your fight.
Topman: Right!
Geminiman: Thank you!
Donald: But the Heartless will destroy the entire world! That makes this everyone's fight!
Topman: It's always like that! We already have a mission here. People are already counting on us.
Goofy: "May your heart be your guiding key"
Geminiman: What now?
Goofy: Keyblade warriors used ta say that all the time.
Topman: It doesn't make any sense. Keys don't guide you anywhere.
Sora: It does make sense! Look deep inside of your heart.... what does it tell you?
...
Geminiman: Doin' great, Gem!
Geminiman: Thank you, Gem, I knew I was.
Topman: I don't really do empathy too much these days so ... maybe I want some Energen?
Sparkman: I ... I actually want to see all the friends I left behind in that alternate universe. I miss Britt and Erik, and Gary (the other Gary) was just starting to lighten up! That took over a decade.
Donald: You miss your friends.
Sparkman: With Captain Crashman and Metalman out of the way it's probably alright for them, but ... I never even got a chance to say goodbye, you know?
Sora: I know how that's like. I never got to say goodbye to Riku or Kairi. And I've been searching for them ever since. And you say they're in an ... "alternate universe?"
Sparkman: Yeah, it's a whole other world.
...
Sora: Well, why not come with us after all this?
Sparkman: Huh?
Donald: *Quacks incomprehensibly*
(Donald pulls Sora to the side and the Mechs convene.)
Topman: Do you really want to see them again that badly?
Sparkman: That place has been home for over a decade. I'd like to say goodbye, but if I can go back, well...
Geminiman: I understand. I can't even blame you. Things have definitely not turned out alright so far, no matter how optimistic Snakeman tries to be.
Sora: (loudly) No! If we can help our friends, we should! And it's not like we're meddling: they already know about other worlds!
(Sora approaches Sparkman.)
Sora: It sounds like this isn't really your world.
Sparkman: No. I mean it was, but I can't say it's "home." Not really.
Sora: What's the name of your world?
Sparkman: Name? You mean "planet Earth?"
Goofy: Not quite. Every world has its own name. In fact an entire world can be named after just a small part of it. Look into your heart and I'm sure you can tell us the name of your world.
...
Sparkman: I think I'd call it ... "Orange Hell."
Sora: Orange ... Hell ...
Donald: I've never heard of any place called "Orange Hell."
Goofy: Do we really want to go to a world called "Orange Hell"?
Topman: The answer is no. No you don't. Unless you're Sparkman level crazy, I guess.
Sparkman: I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye! They probably think I'm dead!
Topman: I'm sure they've gotten over it by now.
Sparkman: Well I'm sure you were hit over the head buy a Hard Knuckle one too many times.
Sora: We'll get you there, if we can.
Goofy: Orange Hell, Red Hell, or Purple Hell, we'll help you out!
Donald: (getting right in Sparkman's face) But you have to help us get the Keyblade back FIRST!
Sora: Follow me!
(Completely defenseless, Sora dashes off leaving everyone else scrambling behind him.)
Goofy: Wait up!
Donald: *Quacks incomprehensibly*
Topman: So ... is this still our problem?
Geminiman: Come on, we can't just leave Leon like this.
Topman: Good thinking. We have to get the Sparkman armor back before he leaves.
Geminiman: Oh, that's cold.
To be continued ...
Cast: |
|||||
| Leon as ..... |  Sparkman |
Raijin as ..... |  Snakeman |
Psycho Magnet as ..... |  Needlegal |
| Ben as ..... |  Hardman |
Nightmare as ..... |  Topman |
||
| Lennon as ..... |  Geminiman |
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as ..... |  Magnetman |
Gauntlet as ..... | Shadowman |
