NEW Sinister Six in:
Big Trouble in Little Kinko’s!
Rich: Greetings everyone...I finally decided to post my very first Sinister Six Epilouge! I hope you all enjoy it! It's a change from my dark writings with "Revenge" and "Orange Hell."
Narrator: It’s late one random night in the Sinister Six’s HQ, but only a handful of teammates are sleeping. Rich, the new Bombman, is a strange customer whose activities never seem to make much sense. This night will just be yet another example of the eccentric one’s behavior…
Rich: * Thinking to himself *…Awesome, now all I’ve gotta do is make some copies of this thing and I’ll be a shoe in for the prize!
Rich leaves his room and heads to the official S6 document center/office supply closet in hopes of making some duplicates of his latest writings when he meets Gary halfway towards the copy machine
Gary: Hey Bomb-diggity! Whatcha up to at 2 AM?
Rich: Oh man, I’m soooo gonna win this radio contest with this essay. There’s no way I could lose!
Gary: Sounds good…What do you win?
Rich: Oh dude, it’s a life sized statue of Yoko Ono.
Gary’s eye twitched as if his brain had suddenly failed on him
Gary: …Yoko Ono? Do you even like Yoko Ono?
Rich: Hell no! But who am I to turn down a free anything?
Rich begins to depart once again for the copy room when Gary manages to get his mind off the prize
Gary: Uhh, I hope you’re not headed for the copy machine…
Rich: Why? Is it broken?
Gary: Well…By now? Probably. Ben’s been having some trouble with it…
Rich: Oh, just frickin’ great. It figures- the one time I need to use the machine, Ben has to mess around with it. * sigh *
Rich proceeds down the hallway when he can hear random swearing coming out of the dinky little room
Ben:…Paper jam? Paper jam?! Jam this, you stupid pile o’…
Ben is repeatedly punching the defenseless Xerox with his steel clad fist, and smoke pours out of the machine.
Ben: Oh hey, Rich…Uh, I hope you weren’t planning on using this thing anytime soon. It’s, err…out of toner.
Rich: …That’s a laser copier, Ben. It doesn’t need toner.
Ben: Well…Goddamn it, it’s out of…light.
Rich: Looks more like it’s out of ‘life’.
Ben: That too.
Rich: Ergh, I need to get this thing copied so I can win that contest. The deadline is six AM this morning!
Ben: A contest? For what?
Rich: A life-sized Yoko Ono statue!
Ben’s legs go slack and he whacks his forehead on the table, knocking him out
Rich: Man, I know it’s a sweet prize and all, but I don’t think it’s THAT good…Ah well, guess I better find me a late-night copy store.
Rich begins to walk out the front door when Erik stops him to evaluate his current state of dress
Erik: Rich…C’mon- we’re trying to perform a public service. I think the best service I could do is ask you to put on something more than some boxer shorts and a bathrobe.
Rich: Hey…Man…Are you not seeing the sweater and sandals here? I’m good to go.
Erik: At least put on some pants…
Rich lazily jogs back to his room, hastily puts on some natty looking jogging pants, and heads back for the front door
Erik: That’s better…Anyway, where the hell are you going at this hour?
Rich: I’m off to copy my essay for this radio contest. The deadline’s in a few hours, so I gotta go.
Erik: Contest, eh? I’ve never won one of those before. What do you get when you win?
Rich: It’s this freakin’ statue of Yoko Ono.
Rich: Yoko Ono.
Erik: …And we picked you to be Bombman…*Erik begins to walk off, shaking his head*…Where did we go wrong? It seemed like a good idea at the time…Why can’t things just be right in the world?
Rich ignores the rambling and disturbed Gutsman and heads out the door to his destination- Kinko’s!
Rich: Damn, good thing they’re open 24/7. This has been a life saver!
Rich enters the blue and white corporate copy shop, and almost immediately turns around when he sees who is manning the front counter…
Super Chaos: Welcome to Kinko’s, where all of your copy needs are met…*Super Chaos is drearily grumbling, not even bothering to look up from his copy of National Inquirer to see what drunk decided to visit the store.*
A wide-eyed Rich attempts to casually walk over to one of the large copy machines while putting on his sunglasses and trips over a stack of paper and bangs his knee into a machine
Super Chaos: Hey, keep it down rummy! I’m trying to manage a respectable business here!
Rich: Sorry man…I sorta tripped on that damned paper…
Super Chaos: Pitiful and clumsy human!
Rich: * Grumbling to himself * Pitiful and clumsy super villain…
Super Chaos: Human…You remind me of someone…Someone I don’t like!
Rich: Well…Man…I can’t help it if you need a shrink, man.
Super Chaos: *Points an angry finger at Rich as if to suggest “I’m watching you!” *
Rich shrugs it off and waltzes over to the nearest machine and proceeds to make his copy when the machine grabs the paper halfway through the scan and won’t let it go
Rich: Oh f%^! This stupid pile of crap ate my paper!
Super Chaos: Stupid fleshbag! How can one operate such a simple tool without success is beyond me! I see it will take my superior intellect to fix this problem, as always!
Super Chaos begins to examine the machine, fiddle with some panels, adjust some gears, and tug at the paper, all without saving the document. Not a patient super villain, Super Chaos starts to yell and smash the machine in frustration
Rich: * picking up his essay as it escapes Super Chaos’ tantrum *: …Maybe I’ll just try this machine instead…
Super Chaos continues to smash the machine as Rich makes a quick copy, leaves the change for it on the counter, and leaves while SC continues his frenzy of senseless violence on the machine. Rich arrives back at the S6 HQ after dropping off his essay at the radio station and tunes in for the contest results after a few hours of sleep.
Radio Jock: Well, we’ve got only one entry for the contest to get this stupid singing statue out of here, so it was pretty easy to pick a stoop- I mean winner!
Rich: In the bag, baby!
Radio Jock: In fact, we’re already shipping it off to the lucky recipient’s residence so we can get rid of it- I mean, give it to him! The listener has asked to remain anonymous, probably due to the fact that he actually entered a contest with such a stupid prize!
The S6 can hear an awful, stupid wailing growing in the distance and suddenly answer the front door just as the delivery truck speeds off as quickly as possible
Rich: Hey man, don’t you need me to sign something?
The Sinister Six all gather at the front door to stare at Rich’s fabulous trophy for his hard work, all while listening to the horrible screaming coming from the statue
Yoko Ono Statue: UUWAAAHHHHHH YAAAAAHHHHHHH AAAHHHHHHHHH AAHH AHHHH AHHH UAAAAYYY!!!!!
The Rest of the S6: …
Rich: Man, that thing is freakin beautiful.
After a few seconds of listening to more of the awful noise, Rich’s beaming grin begins to turn upside down.
Rich: Man…That thing gets kinda annoying.
Leon: Nooo…You think? * sarcasm *
Britt: I wanna know where the off switch is…
Britt and the other S6ers walk up to the statue to find a power switch, but to no luck
Gary: Sheesh, there’s no off button? Who the hell designed this thing? Wily?
Ben: Dunno, don’t care! I got the ultimate ‘off’ button right here! * Ben starts to rush the machine with his Fire Storm at the ready when he is suddenly cut off by Rich *
Rich: Hold on…I’ve got better plans for this thing…
Later that night at Kinko’s, after Super Chaos has started his shift and is busy reading the latest celebrity gossip and not cleaning up the mess he had made the night before (he instead put a Caution: Wet Floor sign in front of it and threw some yellow tape over it), Chaos starts to hear some horrible, talentless noise coming from the front of the store, but is too lazy to actually find out what it is. Before long, however, he starts to get annoyed.
Super Chaos: What in the seven levels of Hell itself is that horrible wailing?!
*Super Chaos gets up to look out the front door, only to be greeted with a face full of Ono as the statue had been cemented in front of the front door, blocking his exit.*
Super Chaos: This…This is absolutely fiendish! …Why didn’t I think of it?
Yoko Ono Statue: AHHH AHHHHHHHHHH UWAAHHHHHHHH YAAAHHHHHHHHH WAAAAA!!!!
Super Chaos: This must stop! What the? I cannot escape this infernal store?! NOOOOO!!!!
And so, Super Chaos’s part-time job as a night manager at Kinko’s ended in a nightmarish twist, as he couldn’t remember that his store did indeed have a back door, and destroyed the front of the store to escape the hellish noise of a washed up ‘singer’. *He was promptly fired by the dreaded District Manager (SC’s other arch-nemesis), and now has even more reason to hate the S6.
*Author’s Note: The above epilogue was indeed designed to offend and generally piss off one Yoko Ono, as her “music” does indeed suck royally. Too bad for her, I have the freedom of speech on my side, beyotch! No offense to Kinko’s though- employer of fine, B-grade super villains everywhere who need to make ends meet. Kinko’s: Serving all of your Copy Needs! *
Alright, now where’s my damned endorsement money? *