The NEW Sinister Six in:

Six City: That Orange Bastard!

*Detective Elecman is chasing after E.S. Junior, suspected child kidnapper. After a short chase, Det. Elecman corners him at the docks with his hostage, an old Virtual Boy strapped to her head with his finger on the ‘on’ switch.*

E.S. Junior: Don’t come any closer, Detective! You know what these things can do! They can give you a pretty bad headache in only a few minutes!

Little Girl: Help meee!! The suck is starting to rub off on me!

Det. Elecman: …Wait. That’s it? You were just going to make her play Virtual Boy?

E.S. Junior: Well, yeah…What did you think I was planning on doing?

Det. Elecman: Well…Nothing. The Virtual Boy thing is pretty sick, but not as bad as what I was thinking.

E.S. Junior: Huh?...Oh…OH! Hey, what the hell do you think I am, huh? Some kinda sicko?

Det. Elecman: Well…

E.S. Junior: I mean, making people play outdated and poorly conceived video game systems is one thing, but THAT…C’mon!

Det. Elecman: Yeah, my bad…

E.S. Junior: I mean, I’d have to be completely soulless to do THAT to her…Nobody should be forced to play Superman 64! Not ever!

Det. Elecman: (Err…Not exactly what I meant, but alright)…Uh, well…I guess I should be arresting you or something.

E.S. Junior: Hey! There’s nothing illegal about making kids play bad video games!

Det. Elecman: But there IS something illegal about kidnapping said kids in order to make them play said games.

E.S. Junior: Bah! Technicalities!

Det. Elecman: Alright, screw this…*shoots E.S. Junior in the nuts*

E.S. Junior: WAAAUGH!! Dude, what the hell?! You shot me in the balls, man!

Det. Elecman: Sorry…I was aiming for you hand, but I guess I missed…

E.S. Junior: ‘I guess I missed”?!

Det. Elecman: Hey, I said I was sorry!

E.S. Junior: Not cool!

*Bob Bombman sneaks up on Det. Elecman from behind, knocking him out with his gun’s handle*

Bob Bombman: You ass king! You punched me in the face earlier before this ep started! I don’t have a whole lot going there as it is, bastard! Oh yeah, plus this guy is some senator’s spoiled kid or something. I dunno. You’re probably going to go to prison for a few years for shooting him in the balls.

E.S. Junior: Yeah! Daddy’s a senator! Plus we’re gonna frame you for the Virtual Boy thing!

Bob Bombman: Uhh…You do know I’m a cop, right? Probably shouldn’t have outright said that in front of me…

E.S. Junior: Quiet! Or we’ll frame you for the Jack the Ripper killings! We have THAT much power, dude!

Bob Bombman: Hey, I don’t even know who this dude is! *Kicks Elecman’s body and runs away* I have some overdue library books to return! Uh, bye!

E.S. Junior: Dammit, all of this getting shot in the cash and prizes business has made me tired. I think I’ll go into a coma for a few months while my daddy has some weird ass surgery done to me to grow back my nuts so he can have grandkids. Wow! What a stretch!

*E.S. Junior passes out as an ambulance shows up to whisk away both men to the hospital*

 ???: Are you awake, detective?

Det. Elecman (laying in a hospital bed):…Uhhh…

 ???: Thank you for saving me from that evil video game weirdo! Who knows what would have happened to me if I had played even a few minutes of that stupid game system!

Det. Elecman: Uugh…I think you’d get a big headache…Kinda like the one I have right now…

Little Girl: Way to take a hit for the team!

 Det. Elecman: What team?

Little Girl: You and me! We’re a team now! I fell in love with you while you saved me!

Det. Elecman: Whoa! Hey now! I’m, like, 80 years old in this story, and you’re, like, 6 or some shit-

Little Girl: I’m 10, silly. Remember that, cause it’ll be important later on in the story.

Det. Elecman: …Riiight…Anyways, you shouldn’t fall in love with me, cause it’s just plain weird.

Little Girl: I’ll still write to you while you’re in prison.

Det. Elecman: Alrig- Hey! How did you know I was going to prison?!

Little Girl: Oh, that weird guy’s father is outside, waiting for me to finish up in here so he can tell you that. Well, guess I’ll be going now! Bye! I love you!

Det. Elecman:…Dude, not cool…

Evil Senator: Well, you blew off my son’s nads.

Det. Elecman: Oh. Hi.

Evil Senator: He was supposed to have some decent grandkids for me so I could spoil them even more than I did him!

Det. Elecman: Is that even possible?

Evil Senator: *Sniff* I don’t know! Now I’ll never find out!

Det. Elecman: Y’know, this state does have a pretty good foster parent program. Maybe you could-

Evil Senator: Evil people don’t adopt! That’s too much of a kind deed!

Det. Elecman: Sorry, bro.

Evil Senator: Well, I suppose the only logical solution to all of this is to NOT punish my son for being a weirdo, and instead frame you for his multiple parking tickets AND Virtual Boy shenanigans!

Det. Elecman: Also not cool.

 Evil Senator: Say anything about this to anyone and I’ll kill you! But hey, at least I’ll fix your heart condition so you can sit in prison for a few decades and waste taxpayers’ money.

Det. Elecman: Wow! You really ARE a politician!

*Det Elecman gets framed (surprise) and ends up in prison. Each week he gets a letter from the little girl, who uses the name “Apple” as her secret pen name*

*Eight years go by. Man, that guy had a lot of unpaid parking tickets.*

Det. Elecman: I can’t believe it! Apple hasn’t sent a letter in over a week! Something must be wrong!

*Orange Bastard appears in the corner of the cell*

Det. Elecman: Wow man…You need some Tag or something! You don’t smell very good!

Orange Bastard: *Punches Elecman in the face*

Det. Elecman: Dammit! I’m, like, 90! *knocked out*

*Det. Elecman wakes up sometime after the Orange Bastard leaves and finds one of Apple’s letters on the ground*

Det. Elecman: Oh crap, a finger instead of a letter! Eww! Wait, this means they know where she is now! Then again, it shouldn’t be all that difficult to track down a little girl when you’re a senator…Anyways, guess I better confess so I can go save her!

*Det Elecman shows up before the parole board*

Det. Elecman: …So yeah, sorry about taking up all of those handicap spaces. At once. With my fleet of limousines that say “I’m a senator’s kid” on the back window. My bad. Oh yeah, sorry about that Virtual Boy thing, too.

Parole Officer: It’s coo’, bro. Well, you’re free, then! See ya!

Det. Elecman: Sweet! I’m gonna go hit up the strip joint!

*Det. Elecman leaves the prison and heads right towards the strip club for…uh…research…Yeah…*

Marv Gutsman: Cameo!

Det. Elecman: Hey! This is MY yarn! Wait your turn!

*Det. Elecman notices the Orange Bastard and Apple. One of them is a stripper. Guess which one.*

Marv Gutsman: Hey! Get that weird orange guy off the stage and get Apple on!

*You guessed wrong*

Apple: Oh wow! It’s Det. Elecman! You’re out of prison! Yay!

Det. Elecman: Wow, you’re hot! And legal now! Bonus! Oh shit, it’s that Orange Bastard! I’ve accidentally lured him right to you! Suckage! Let’s get into a car chase!

*Insert car chase scene here*

Orange Bastard: Augh! He shot me in the neck! THE NECK! Seriously, what the hell!?

Det. Elecman: Well, he just went flying off the road. Guess that’s what happens when you drive 80 year old Cadillacs in the snow on a winding road. Go figure. Pull over, Apple! Let’s make sure he’s dead…

*Det. Elecman and Apple pull over and inspect the Orange Bastard’s wrecked car, but don’t find a body.*

Det. Elecman: Y’know, I could have sworn that cop school said something about dead people leaving behind bodies…

Apple: Or they explode and make a noise like “Doo, doo, doo, doo…”, and then some victory music plays. I would know, I’m a lawyer.

Det. Elecman: Oh…Well, maybe someone had the volume turned down on the victory music this time.

Apple: Makes perfect sense to me! C’mon, let’s go back to my place.

*Apple and Det. Elecman leave the scene and go back to Apple’s place*

Det. Elecman: Well, I’m going to take the first shower in eight years where I didn’t have to worry about dropping the soap. I’ll be right back.

*Det. Elecman is showering when the Orange Bastard shows up and punches him in the face! Again! Man, he really lives up to his name!*

*A little while later, Det. Elecman awakens to find himself hanging from the ceiling by his underwear as the Orange Bastard holds Apple hostage with a Virtual Boy*

Orange Bastard: Do you recognize my voice, Det. Elecman?! Huh?!

Det. Elecman: OMG!

Orange Bastard: That’s right! It’s me! The guy who’s package you shot! My daddy had to shell out big bucks to grow it back, but it dyed me orange for some dumb ass reason. Weird, huh?

Det. Elecman: Yeah, pretty weird.

Orange Bastard: Anyways, I’m gonna finish what I started eight years ago! She’s gonna be forced to play Mario’s Tennis until her eyes bleed! Meanwhile, you’ll hang there in the ultimate wedgie position until you pass out! Then my cronies will come and shoot you! Nyah!

Det. Elecman: Wait, why don’t YOU shoot me? Wouldn’t that make more sense?

Orange Bastard: Has anything in this story made any sense at all so far?

Det. Elecman:…

Orange Bastard: Exactly! Well, see ya! Or not. Whatever.

*Orange Bastard leaves with Apple in tow*

Det. Elecman: Oh man, this sucks! It’s really uncomfortable…Maybe if I willingly break the elastic I’ll be free! Guess I’ll have to go commando style then.

*Minutes later, Orange Bastard’s cronies show up to finish off Det. Elecman*

Cronie: Aw crap! He’s gone!

Det. Elecman: Not! *shoots both cronies…in the nuts*

Cronie: AAUUUGH!!

Det. Elecman: Yeesh, gotta remember to shoot them in the hands, not the nads. Ah well, I’ll remember next time. Hey, they went to the farm, right?

Cronie: Y-yeah…Hey, how did you know?

Det. Elecman: It’s almost the end of the epilogue! Gotta speed things up!

*Det. Elecman steals the cronies’ Ferrari and drives to the farm where Orange Bastard is just starting to force Apple’s face into the Virtual Boy*

Orange Bastard: Nyahaha! How do you like that, huh?!

Apple: Nooo! The goggles! They do nothing (good)!

Det. Elecman: Hold it right there!

Orange Bastard: Detective! You’ve escaped my brilliant plan? Impossible!

Det. Elecman:…Eh, it wasn’t all that great a plan.

Orange Bastard: And this isn’t all that great of an epilogue! Never the less, it appears you were shot by my guards outside! You can’t even lift that cannon!

Det. Elecman: Sure I can…

*Det. Elecman falls down from exhaustion*

Orange Bastard: Kyahaha!! Well, time to kill you, Detective Elecman! With this knife! It’s gonna hurt…Here it comes…Any time now…It’s comin’…Look out now…Stabbing to occur any minute now…This knife is gonna-

Det. Elecman: Hurry it up already, I ain’t got all night!

Marv Gutsman: Hey, that’s MY line!

Det. Elecman: Get outta here!

Orange Bastard: Commence stabbing animation!

Det. Elecman: Commence countering and stabbing animation of my own! Hah!

Orange Bastard: *Stabbed in the belly* Noo! Daddy!

Det. Elecman: *Looks around while Orange Bastard falls to the ground. Shoots Orange Bastard in the balls. Again.*

Orange Bastard: WWAAUGHH!! You need a new hobby, man!! Auugh!

Det. Elecman: Vicious gangland style beat down animation!

*Det. Elecman punches Orange Bastard in the head until it…melts. Or some shit. I dunno, go see the movie.*

Det. Elecman: Apple! Are you alright?

Apple: I didn’t scream, Elecman…

Det. Elecman: Well, why not? I would have! That system sucked!

Apple: Well, whatever. Let’s go home.

Det. Elecman: No, I think I’ll stay and help the cops put the Evil Senator in prison for this.

Apple: …Are you sure you’re not going to blow your head off to make sure the Evil Senator doesn’t come after me?

Det. Elecman: Positive.

Apple: Okay! See you later then! *smooch* 

Det. Elecman: See ya. *watches her leave* Sucker! *Pulls out gun and puts it to his head* Hey, wait! I’ll just do what the Evil Senator did and blame someone else! Then I won’t have to shoot myself!

Hey, Marv! C’mere!

END!