By Nijubu, Drawn by Rai
Official1: Could you describe the navi that attacked you?
IceChan: Like I said, he was pretty huge. Big upper-body and large metal fists. Gear-shapes around the wrists, ring-like sawblades sticking out of his back...
Official2: Yeah, that sounds like Metalman alright. What about the navi that intervened and rescued you? Did you get a good look at him?
IceChan: Just for a moment, and there were a lot of flashing lights, but I think he was black...
Official2: Black armor?
IceChan: Nnno...no armor. I mean he was black-skinned.
Official2: Like Heel Navi black? Or Netfrican-Ameropean black?
IceChan: Er...Netfrican-Ameropean, I guess.
Official1: And you said he wasn't wearing armor? What was he wearing?
Official2: You mean a spandex body suit?
IceChan: No, like a suit and tie.
Official1: A navi wearing a suit and tie?
Official1: If you didn't get a good look, you should just tell us, you shouldn't make stuff up.
IceChan: I'm not making anything up! Doesn't this narrow down the suspects on your list?
Official1: ...Yeah, to about zero.
Official2: Mmmmnope, says here he wears red armor.
Navi: BattleChip acquired. Health at 25%.
Alia: Nice one. The last seven hours haven't been a total waste after all. Now head back to the board and we'll call it a-
Navi: Turning action initiated. Error: foot motion obstructed, tripping imminent. Cliff proximity warning. Status: falling.
PET: Navi Deleted.
Alia: Oh come on! Well at least the backup will...no.
Navi: NormalNavi V1 1.0.216 activated. Greeting mode: Hello, my name is <please name your navi using the PET options screen>, what is yours?
Alia: AUGH! Forgot to save!
*Stuart's base. Stuart is listening to Nij's music at cautiously low volume as Nij walks up*
Stuart: Dude, some of this stuff sounds downright evil. Like this fake demonic screaming shit.
Nij: Oh, it's all real. The words weren't written for the human tongue, though, so their pronunciation's pretty bad.
Nij: Like this line here. They put emphasis on the wrong syllables. It should be "Xo'goROTH maNA'kacht azRAkathun..."
*One minute later*
Stuart: *Writhing on the floor screaming in pain*
Nij: Stu, seriously, just tell me if you don't like my music.
Official Navi: Halt villains!
Gekkoman: Fools, you are no match for me. Gekko-o-o... KOUSEN!
*Gekkoman's crest fires a ray that deletes the navi*
Bitman: Hey boss, I've been meaning to ask. What do your attack names mean?
Gekkoman: It is actually fairly straightforward. You see, "gekkou" means "moonlight", hence my lunar theme. Then "kousen" simply means "light ray". You may think I am only saying simple attack names in Japanese to sound "cool", but bear in mind I am a samurai, so I believe I am warran-
Bitman: Waitaminute, I knew that sounded weird. You got "light" in there twice!
Gekkoman: What is weird?
Bitman: "Moon light light ray"? Why not just call it "GekKOUsen"?
Bitman: You could fire it off a little faster that way!
Gekkoman: You don't understand how attack naming works. Away with you.
Bowlman: Nine members all quitting at the exact same time? How bizarre.
Bubbleman: Yes blub, but don't let it get you down. Let's dance!
Serenade: My pleasure! Whee, no more gender confusion!
David: And now, to mount my horse...and ride off into the sunset.
Jon: I can finally take these damn bowling shoes off. You may wanna spray these extra before giving them to the next guy.
Jeremy: The team's actually goin' on without me!? What's the point? I'm the only entertaining character!
Punk: Get over yerself! It's my spiky bad ass that everyone came ta see!
Darklady: Mmm...it is spiky.
Metalman: Hey, is everyone forgetting my ass? Come on! Buns of steel!
Naomi: Aww, you all have nice asses.
Adrienne: Last to join, second to disappear! HAH! Eat it, commitment!
Matt: You're all so unreliable. I only just quit yesterday.
Flashman: Yeah, after not doing anything or showing up for three years...
Johnny: Kalinka, kiss my lips already! I've been waiting for months!
Flameman: WRAAHHH RREEEHH RROOOHH WRRRYYYYY RAH HAH HAH HAH.
Cyros: It's Jon! Why can't the other two have nicknames instead?
Yamatoman: Very well. All good things must come to an end. Only one thing remains to be said...
Carlos: No one can stop Mr. Domino!
Johnny: Kalinka! Kiss my lips!
Kalinka: But, I find your neck turns me on even more.* kisses neck*
Johnny: Kalinka! Kiss my lips!
Kalinka: I find your cheeks irrestible! *kisses cheek*
*Johnny is actually dreaming and has rubber darts all over his face*
Stuart: You do know we'll be running for our lives if Johnny wakes up...
Jake:(aiming rubber dart gun)Shush. I'm trying to aim for his mouth.
*Phone rings. Sam picks it up*
Dude on Phone: Is this Sam?
Dude on Phone: Good. I need to hire Shade Man for something.
Dude on Phone: yeah, you're Sam, right?
Dude on Phone: Then help me, dangit!!
Sam: You're not looking for me! You're looking for Sam!
Dude on Phone: And you're Sam!
AH Warehouse, Morning. Jeremy walks to the "kitchen" for a snack. Nij passes by, damp, naked, with a towel around his waist.
Nij: Dude, we needa get that shower looked at.
Jeremy: Great, what is it now?
Nij: The water doesn't stay hot for long. I swear, it's like you just get in, and before you know it all the hot water's gone. *Walks off*
Jeremy: Damn it. Good plumbers are damn hard to find. And the whole blindfolding and chloroform deal to keep this joint secret is hard to pull off...ooh, brownies! *Pulls Brownies™ out of fridge and proceeds to stuff face* I'll kick Stu's ass if he put more of his "special plants?" in these...weirdest nightmares I ever had...
Johnny walks by, dripping and wrapped in nothing but a large towel.
Johnny: Hey Jeremy, the shower's on the fritz again.
Jeremy: Great, what NOW?
Johnny: No hot water. *Pads off*
Jeremy: *Walks across the warehouse to the "living room"* First Nij has problems with the shower, then right away Johnny...wait. Wait a...minute. *Thinks* Hey, Matt?
Matt: *Lying sideways in recliner, staring at PET* Huh?
Jeremy: When did we get a second shower put in?
Matt: *Half-attentive* Huh? We only have one shower.
Jeremy: Right. I'm going to go beat this image out of my head now.
Matt: Have fun.
Jeremy: *Staring at PET, giggling constantly*
Stuart walks by.
Stuart: Um, something funny?
Jeremy: Heheheheheh, lookit!
Stuart looks down at PET screen.
Desertman: Zwoo zaiya zonara zaian zwaza.
Flameman: Raaa, aaaaahh rrrah rarr aaar.
Desertman: Zeia zanaga zwooya zuumana?
Flameman: Raah, rrrraaaah ahhhr hraaah!
Stuart: ...What the hell are they saying?
Jeremy: *Giggles* I have no idea!
Stuart: Uh-huh. You need a life. *Walks off*
Jeremy: *Continues giggling*
AH Network, Afternoon. Punk's browsing his music collection.
Punk: An email? Hmm. WHOO! Guys, we got a message from Fate!
The others crowd around him.
Flash: It says his next clue will arrive tomorrow morning, in the form of a limerick.
Beast: Rawr, what's a limerick?
Flash: You don't know?
Beast: I'm Yokanese, English isn't my first language.
Flash: Oh, right. Well, it's basically a rhyming joke in the form of a poem.
Flame: Yeah! Like, "There once was a girl from Netucket..."
*The phone rings in the NG apartment. David picks it up.*
Woman: Is this the Net Guardians?
David: Uh yeah. How can I help?
Woman: My navi's pet Spikey ran away! I need one of your agents to find it!
David: Is this a prank? We don't exactly deal in that kind of 'Net Guarding'.
Woman: But your flyer said no job too small,"To serve and protect." "Fees are set."
David: Flyer? How did you get this number? Fees?...Moe! Have you been trying to pimp out the team?
Moe: *shrugs* A little extra money couldn't hurt.
Glyde: Greetings, and welcome once again to Masterpiss Theatre. For your pleasure this evening we present a scene from Shademan.EXE: Dead and Loving It.
A moonlit night in a crypt in the AC/DC Net Cemetary. Megaman and Protoman enter, and look into an open coffin on a pedastal.
Mega: Oh! My poor, poor Roll! How could I let that dastardly Shademan do this to you?
Proto: You're an idiot. Take this.
Hands Megaman a GutsHammer and NeedleCannon needle.
Mega: What shall I do with this?
Mega: *Screams like a little girl*
Proto: She's not dead yet! She is UNDEAD! She is now a tortured soul trapped between this world and the next!
Mega: No! How can I save her?!
Proto: You must drive the needle...THROUGH HER HEART!
Mega: Are you insane?
Proto: Yes. *Takes cover behind a pillar* But do it!
Mega: Okay then. And now, my beloved, I set you free!
Mega: Oh. My. GOD. THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD.
Proto: *Peeks* What do you expect, she just ate! She's not dead yet, hit her again!
Mega: Again? Are you freaking INSANE?
Proto: Yes, we already established that. And anyway, how much blood can she have left? *Hides again*
Mega: I suppose you have a point.
Mega: ...I really, really, REALLY hate you now.
Proto: *Peeks again* Oy, we should've put newspapers down.