By Jade (Pharaoh Man)
Last time on Cossack's Comrades, Jay and Silent Bob got thrown out of the Citadel and made a deal with Wily to go back to Leonardo, New Jersey. However, it turns out that it's not the town they're familiar with, but rather a Jersey in an alternate universe. Here, Dante is dead, and so is Jay's girlfriend, Justice. Randal is a respectable, hard-working employee at the Quick Stop, and after a conversation with Brodie, it turns out the Blutman and Chronic movie was a colossal success. With that in mind, Jay and Bob head to Banky's multi-million dollar mansion for their cut of the take...
But while those two are making their way there, let's check on the Comrades again. They've just returned to the Citadel after another rough battle with Kryptoman.
DIVE: Man, I'm beat. Let's see what's on TV. (Sits down in a fluffy easy chair)
DRILL: *sigh* Is it just me, or have things seemed a bit slow around here lately?
BRIGHT: Wha'cha mean?
DRILL: There's hardly anything to do. We fight with Krypto, we fight with Ballade, the Met King, and any other loony that the 'Mech's, 'Warriors, and 'Sixlets don't want to fight, and then come home to a mostly dull house.
DUST: Why don't you go see Vi? Maybe that'll cheer you up.
DRILL: Perhaps. I'll see if she's home...
DIVE: One thing's for sure, the place feels kinda empty without Jay and Bob and their silly antics.
SKULL: You're kidding. You actually miss those two?
PHARAOH: You gotta admit, though. Those two knew how to keep the place interesting.
SKULL: Yeah, they were pretty funny.
TOAD: They were a bit weird, but look who's talking, eh?
Suddenly, Kalinka comes running in.
RING: Whoa. Where's the fire?
KALINKA: I can't stand this! Get this psycho away from me!!
DR COSSACK: (His voice coming from down the hall) Where'd my sweet little girl go?
Cossack comes in.
DR COSSACK: There you are! Are you ready to go get ice cream, honey?
KALINKA: *sigh* Yes, Daddy. Just give me a few minutes, okay?
DR COSSACK: Okay, sweety. I'll get the saucer started!
He pats her on the head and then leaves. The others are awestruck by what they just saw.
SKULL: Who was that and what'd he do with Cossack?
KALINKA: My guess is after getting off the drugs, he's gone into withdrawal or something. He's turned from a cold-hearted cynic into an over-loving father who's so sweet it's giving me cavities! It was nice at first, but now it's driving me crazy!! I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but I want Jay and Bob back! I don't know where they went, but PLEASE find them! I don't know how much more of his sugary sweetness I can take!!
She leaves, presumably to go get ice cream with Cossack.
RING: Well, I guess it's decided. It just isn't the same around here without those two clowns. Let's go get Drill and see if we can't find them.
Drill comes in at that same time.
DRILL: I heard what was going on. Besides, Vi wasn't home.
RING: Well let's go back and see the Parrs. They may have some idea where they went to.
So the Comrades go over to the Parrs.
HELEN: No, Jay and Bob haven't been here. Even if they were, I certainly wouldn't have let those hooligans stay here. They're such a bad influence on the children, after all...
DRILL: Crud. What other leads do we have?
DIVE: Hmmm... If I were a crazy stoner from Jersey, were would I go?
BRIGHT: Back to Jersey and have tacos!
DRILL: That sounds about right, but how would they get there? You'd have to sell a lot of pot to raise money for plane tickets.
JACK JACK: Paa... Pot!!
HELEN: NO!! Bad Jack Jack!!
As the Comrades think about where Jay and Bob went off to, the two of them are now standing before Banky's 20-acre estate.
JAY: Dude... That is one sweet crib. Wait 'til we get our movie money, Lunchbox. We'll get our own mansion, and we'll make it look like a huge bong!
SILENT BOB: (Smiles and nods)
Jay walks up to the guard stationed in front of the gates.
GUARD: State your business, sir.
JAY: We have a little business with Mr. Banky.
GUARD: What kind of business?
JAY: That's none of your damn bees-wax, jerk-wad! Just tell him Jay and Silent Bob are here for their frickin' movie check!
GUARD: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
JAY: Ask all you want. I ain't budging 'til we see Banky.
A few minutes later, Jay and Bob are finally brought inside to meet Banky on his poolside patio.
BANKY: Oh, it's you two. Make this quick, I have a luncheon and a photo op at the youth center in about 15 minutes.
JAY: Jeez, Banky. Is that any way to treat a couple old friends?
BANKY: *yawn* Whatever. Now what do you punks want?
JAY: Oh, I'll tell you. Where the hell's our movie check for the Bluntman & Chronic movie?
BANKY: What are you playing at?
JAY: Okay, Banky. I'll make it real simple. You use our characters in the movie, which means you pay us for likeness rights, got it?
BANKY: The likeness rights that you two guys turned down?
JAY: Yeah, that's ri... WHAT?!
SILENT BOB: (Stares wide-eyed)
BANKY: Ah ah. Don't play dumb. You two thought the comic book idea was so stupid. So you flat-out refused to let us use you for Bluntman & Chronic. So we had to find another pair of stoners for the part...
KUMAR: Man, 100 billion dollars!! We can buy a lot of Sliders with that kinda dough!
HAROLD: Hell yeah!!
JAY: You son of a bitch!! Give us our goddamn money!!
Fists up, Jay strides toward Banky, but it quickly restrained by his bodyguards. As that happens, Holden walks out of the house, wearing a sundress and straw hat.
HOLDEN: Are you ready, dear?
BANKY: Yes, honey. Just a moment. Guards, escort these... "œgentlemen" off the premises. I believe their business with me has concluded. (Turns back to Holden) Okay hun, let's go.
They walk back into the house arm-in-arm. Jay gawks at the two.
JAY: Whoa Silent Bob, check that sh** out!
SILENT BOB: (Gives a sidelong glance at Jay)
JAY: (Comes to his senses) Hey, don't stare, Lunchbox. Ew... I knew you were into that sh**. Fuckin' faggot.
SILENT BOB: (Sweatdrop)
As this exchange takes place, the guards throw the two off the estate, flat on their backs. Feeling utterly defeated, the two of them shuffle away.
JAY: Man, this alternate reality sucks ass! We need some kind of dues-ex-machina to get us back to our real dimension, Silent Bob! But where are we gonna find one??
At the Ark...
GAUNTLET: Yeah, those stoners came by here. They wanted to bum our base for a while. I told them to take a hike.
DIVE: Any clue where they went?
DRILL: Crud. We need one heck of a deus-ex-machina to find them now.
???: Someone call?
In front of the group appears everyone's favorite demonic priest.
GAUNTLET: Oh no... Not you...
XELLOS: Why Mr. Gauntlet, is that any way to greet an old friend?
GAUNTLET: How many times do I have to tell you, you're not my "friend". Now will you please butt out, Xellos?
Jade's eyes suddenly grow wide.
PHARAOH: (To himself) Xellos...? Did he just say... Xellos??
DRILL: Wait a sec. You wouldn't happen to know where Jay and Silent Bob are, would you?
XELLOS: Ah, yes. Why, Mr. Jay and Mr. Bob were headed towards Dr. Wily's fortress, I believe. Then suddenly, I felt a massive dimensional disturbance in that general area. I went to investigate, of course, but found nothing of importance. My guess is that those two are in another dimension somewhere.
DUST: But it should be easy enough to bring them back here, right?
XELLOS: Oh my, no Mr. Dustman. I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to meddle in affairs such as this one.
GAUNTLET: (Rolls his eyes) Useless as always...
PHARAOH: (To himself) So... the legends from my world were all true after all... The infamous Beastmaster... Behind his pleasant façade, lies an inhumanly powerful demonic creature that walks like a man... His name... is Xellos... I thought it was all a fairytale... but here he is standing in front of me...
XELLOS: Oh Mr. Jade, there's no reason to be nervous. I have no ill intent for you or your group. For now, anyway. Ta ta, everyone!
He vanishes as quickly as he came.
PHARAOH: He could even read my thoughts...? I have a very bad feeling about this...
DRILL: Well, he did tell us one thing; Wily apparently knows where Jay and Bob are. Let's go guys!
They run off to Wily's Skull Fortress.
BALLADE: Well, well. Look what the cat dragged in! You've all fallen right into my hands, Comrades! Time for you to meet your maker.
DRILL: Push off, Ballade. We aren't in the mood to kick your ass today. Where's Wily?
BALLADE: Oh, I don't think so! You aren't getting to Wily without a fight! First you must battle his eight latest Robot Masters, then fight with me to the death...
Jade blasts Ballade with a Pharaoh Shot.
PHARAOH: There. Now cut the crap and just take us to Wily, loser.
BALLADE: You don't let me have any fun, do you?
In Dr. Wily's inner laboratory...
DRILL: What have you done with Jay and Silent Bob, Wily?
DR WILY: I haven't done anything to them. They wanted to go back to Jersey, so I opened the dimensional gateway there.
RING: Let me guess, they bribed you with drugs, didn't they?
DR WILY: Yeah... That was some of the best weed I've ever had...
DRILL: Well Doc, if you help us bring them back, then I'm sure they'll be able to hook you up with some more.
DR WILY: Deal!
BASS: Oh for crying out loud...
And so, to make a long story short...
BRIGHT: Too late.
Dr. Wily's inter-dimensional gateway succeeds in bringing Jay and Bob back. Back at the citadel.
DRILL: Sorry if we were a bit rough on you guys. Even though you guys can be troublesome at times...
TOAD: To say the least...
DRILL: It's just not the same without you two.
JAY: Hey, it's cool, D. That alternate dimension sucked hard. We're actually glad you got us out of that place.
SILENT BOB: (Nods)
DR COSSACK: So, you're back. I hope you brought Daddy's Special Medicine with you...
JAY: But there's one thing that occurred to me. If we were in an alternate New Jersey, how come there were no alternate versions of ourselves?
Flashback to the alternate New Jersey, just as Jay and Bob entered the portal home, two other characters watched them a ways down the street...
BOB: Dude!! Check that sh** out! How come those guys look just like us?!
SILENT JAY: Isn't it obvious? They must be alternate versions of us from another dimension.
BOB: Whatever. Time for us to go get laid and smoke some weed!
SILENT JAY: ... Word.
A panhandler approaches the two.
LEONARDO LEONARDO: I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for some weed today.
BOB: Go screw yourself, bitch-fist.