Originally By Zymeth (Skull Man)
Re-imagined by Geoff (Diveman) and Gauntlet (Shadowman)
It's a cold day in Siberia (no kidding) where Cossack and his two best (only?) friends in the whole wide world discuss philosophy and the meaning of life....
Jay: Yo yo yo YO! We gots blunts in the house! Light 'em up and let's get this party started!
(Smoke fills Cossack's living room.)
Dr. Cossack: This is, quite possibly, the best shit you've ever laid out, Jay.
Jay: No shit this is the shit! Lunchbox scored us a fine ass haul from that messed up boy Plantman. More like Weedman, amirute?
Silent Bob: (nods vigorously.)
Dr. Cossack: And, best of all, my square daughter will finally know the mind opening joys of Mary Jane when she wakes up form her nap.
Silent Bob: (Glances at Cossack and Jay disapprovingly.)
Jay: Shut up. That bitch is always so uptight. This'll mellow her out.
Silent Bob: (Glances at Dr. Cossack disapprovingly.)
Dr. Cossack: Now, Bob, I'm both her doctor and her father. As both I think this is medically and parentally valid.
Jay: Silent Bob, you know the Doc and me are right. We've gotta open this poor soul's eyes to the world before she becomes a raging asshole for the rest of her life. If we don't, shit, who know what could happen.
Silent Bob: (sighs and turns on the TV.)
Jay: Woah! Jerry Springman's on! And we almost missed it. Shit, why didn't you tell us this was going on!? Turn this shit up. I love this show.
(Music plays as Jerry Springman airs an extra-special live episode worldwide!)
Jerry Springman: Well, people usually aren’t who they appear to be. And robots are no exception.
Gutsman: What, like Autobots and Decepticons?
Jerry Springman: …Yes. Like Autobots and Decepticons. Why not. Today, we’re peeking behind the curtain of a couple robots who aren’t who they say they are! And our first guests are none other than the Mega Man team who started it all, the Sinister Six!!
(Just as the Sinister Six rise for the applause, Torchman and the PC Sinister Six suddenly burst onto the stage!)
Torchman: Thank you! Thank you!! We are honored to be here!
Fireman: He wasn’t referring to you, But Breath.
Elecman: General rule of thumb, nobody ever is.
Torchman: No!! This episode is about frauds pretending to be who they aren’t! Clearly, they are referring to you! Admit it! You were never the first Sinister Six! There is no point in perpetrating the ruse any longer!
(Gutsman throws a chair at Torchman!)
Gutsman: Get outta here!!
Jerry Springman: Oh. Looks like we’re getting started early today.
Audience: Jerry!! Jerry!! Jerry!!
(The audience keeps chanting as Gutsman tackles Torchman, while Fireman throws Waveman into the bleachers. Meanwhile, Dr. Cossack watches the fracas from his TV, folding his arms.)
Dr. Cossack: Bah!! Is this all this show is? A bunch of trash going at each other throats?!
Jay: What, you've never seen this before?
Dr. Cossack: For good reason! Just look at it!
Jay: What the shit are you aching about?! This shit is the greatest! Hell, this is best part of the show, right SB?
Silent Bob: (pumping his fist vigorously as Elecman curbstumps Oilman)
(The fight goes on for no fewer than three or four commercial breaks. Eventually, after no fewer than two visits from the police and paramedics, the crowd has died down, and the PC Sinister Six have cleared out.)
Jerry Springman: So, I understand one of you ... has a secret.
Cut Chan: No, not really.
Bombman: Yeah, we just came here for the fight.
Iceman: We pretty much know each others’ past. We were all brought back online together at the same time.
Fireman: Right, you see, after we died in this huge fight against Iceman Red, Doctor Wily cloned me from Ben and repaired the rest of us. I guess he really is a genius at robotics if he was able to bring everyone back after the damage they sufered.*
*See Mechs Series 9, Issue #3!
Bombman: Except for me! I was a human and flat-out dead and a human.
Jerry Springman; Wait, are you saying that Doctor Wily, the feared genius who constantly threatens the world, cracked the secret to resurrecting the dead!?
Cut Chan: He had help from an evil clown god from another dimension.
Jerry Springman: I ... see.
Cut Chan: It's a lot less crazy if you remember that it was a Wednesday! So ... you see ...
Jerry Springman: So you know each other's past. What, everyone's?
Bombman: Sure, we were all together!
Iceman: Six of a kind!
Bombman, Iceman: Now and forever!
Fireman: Except for Odin, that little traitor. Good 'ol Leon here took his place.
Gustman: Wait, we don’t really know Leon’s past. He wasn't there when our team awakened.
Elecman: …You kidding…? Of course I was! What are you listening to this talking slinky for??
Jerry Springman: Well, it’s time you learn the whole truth about your new friend. Because before he was Elecman, he was…a WELDERBOT!!
(Jerry cuts to a picture of Elecman wearing a welderbot mask!)
Audience: Gasp! Jerry!! Jerry!!
Cut Chan: Leon!! You were a Welderbot this whole time?!
Elecman: …Not by choice!! Also, it’s all lies! Bald-faced Slinky Man lies!!
Fireman: Wait a second, now I recognize you! You were the creepy Welderbot we ran into while we were getting Dr. Wily a date!*
*See Mechs Series 9, Issue #3!
Audience: GASP!! Jerry! Jerry!!
Elecman: You don’t know that! We all look alike! Or at least, they do. I never looked anything like a Welderbot! …As handsome as we-they are…
Cut Chan: No, you weren’t. And I always thought you were just as sleazy as that Welderbot was. Now I know why.
Elecman: Oh, yeah sure. I’M the creeper?! I’m not the one dating a Yoko Ono statue!!
Iceman: Rich, I thought you got rid of that wretched thing!!*
*See New Sinister Six, Issue 11.
Bombman: …Well, maybe she can’t carry a tune. But we still have a lot of common interests!! Besides, we only shared a coffee together! And I told you that in confidence, Leon!
Elecman: Just one mistake of many, pal.
Gutsman: Wait a minute, YOU’RE dating Yoko, too? She told me you were just a friend!!
Audience: Jerry!!! JERRY!!
Cut Chan: Don’t encourage them!!
Fireman: Alright, let's just get to the good part. (Throws a chair at Elecman.)
Elecman: Aggghh!! What was that for?
Fireman: Audience wants a fight, and so do I.
Elecman: (Snatches Cut Chan's scissors off her head) Come get some, Barbeque Head!!
(By now, the Sinister Six has devolved into a bickering, squabbling mass, as Elecman and Fireman go at each other. And the remaining Sinister Six trying to pull them back or physically restrain them, only to get in punched in the face as well.)
Dr. Cossack: Ho ho ho! Now I know why you watch this show! The sordid lies, the tangled webs, and the depths people will sink to! And the smug sense pride you feel knowing that’ll never happen to you! It actually makes me feel alive!
Jay: …Sure. What you said.
Dr. Cossack: Oh, I can’t wait to see who they parade up on that stage next!
Jerry Springman: Welcome back from commercial, everyone. The hits just keep coming today. With us is the one and only Mega Man 3 team-
Torchman: Thank you for finally acknowledging us Jerry. It feels good to be recognized.
Topman: He’s talking to us, dumbass.
Torchman: You lie!!
Hardman: Hey, waitasecondhere - HOW'D THAT JERK GET BACK IN!?
Bitman: They LIKE conflict here, Hard head.
Hardman: HARD HEAD!? Why you ...
Spark Chan: Don't let them bait you, hun. It's what they want.
Shadowman: Alright, let’s get this over with. This show’s got dirt on someone, and I want to see what it is.
(No sooner than that, Shadow appears behind Torchman, and tips him out of his seat, and throws it at Oilman.)
Shadowman: Twas a hologram!
Torchman: You'll regret that!
(The crowd starts chanting as both teams start raining blows down on each other. Five more visits from the police and paramedics later, Xelloss appears next to the Mechs, smiling.)
Xelloss: Feel better now that's out of your system? As much fun as you all had, I’d like to get to the big reveal, with everyone’s blessing.
Spark Chan: Xelloss?! YOU’RE the who’s one revealing the big secret?!
Xelloss: You expected someone else? Who do you think researches all the show’s guests and their dirty secrets? After all, everyone needs a hobby, right?
Jerry Springman: Erm, Xelloss? Usually, I decide on when the secret's get revealed around here.
Xelloss: Oh, but why wait? All this chitchat is getting BORING! Wouldn't you say?
(Xelloss turns to the audience who erupts into cheers.)
Jerry Springman: *sigh* Well, when you're right, you're right.
Shadowman: Ugggh, alright. What’s the dirty secret you dug up? I'll bet it's Snakeman, isn't it?
Xelloss: Oh, I disagree! My sources are impeccable. Isn't it time to come clean with your team, Mr. Shadowman?
Shadowman: There's nothing to come clean about!
Geminiman: I always suspected you...
Topman: I should have seen it.
Shadowman: Don't tell me...
Xelloss: Mr. Shadowman ... You're an alien! ADMIT IT!
Shadowman: An alien who's also a ninja?! Get real!
Hardman: I gotta agree, it sounds stupid.
Shadowman: That's because it is!
Xelloss: Ohhhhh, is that how you're going to play this out? Deny, deny, deny?
Drillman: (running onto the stage) WHAAAAAAAT!? IS THIS TRUE!?
Needlegal: It's ridiculous!
Xelloss: Of course it's true. And by extension, since you’re his sister, that makes you an alien, too! (points at Needlegal)
Audience: GASSSPP!! Jerry!! Jerry!!
Shadowman: Needle?! Is this true?!
Needlegal: You can’t be serious! You know I’m not an alien!!
Topman: Well, if you’re not, that means you’re not his sister, right?!
Needlegal: What? Of course ! am!
Topman: Then you are an alien!!
Audience: Jerry!! Jerry!! Jerry!!
Drillman: But .... but you've been among us all this time! Just .... right there! In plain sight!
Drillman: SO!? This changes everything! Absolutely everything! What else have we not known about!?
(Bright Babe and Diveman run onto the stage and haul Drillman off.)
Drillman: Let go of me!
Diveman: It's not our turn yet!
Brightbabe: Yes! We have to wait our turn and then get tacos!
Drillman: LET GO!! THOSE TWO ARE ALIENS! ALIENS!!!
Xelloss: Oh dear. It looks like I've triggered something in poor Mr. Drillman.
Shadowman: YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE!
Xelloss: Who, me?
Snakeman: You know, I think Jonathan had the right idea going to the 'Price is Right' instead. At least we could've played Plinko or that mountain climber game.
Spark Chan: I just hope Shoryu isn't watching.
Geminiman: Or, really, anyone we know at all.
Hardman: Gag will never let me hear the end o this.
Dr. Cossack: Bah!! That one was no fun!! Where was the fighting?! That’s the best part!!
Jay: Yeah, sorry. Sometimes they get touchy-feely like this. It happens.
Silent Bob: (taps on Cossack’s shoulder, pointing at Drillman, Diveman and Bright Babe on screen.)
Dr. Cossack: What the-?! Is that the Comrades?!
Jay: Lucky ass fucks. How did they get tickets for this show??
Dr. Cossack: How could they leave me out of it?!
Jay: Dude, you weren't even a fan of this show until like, fifteen minutes ago.
Dr. Cossack: And they thought I wouldn’t want to be a part of the experience. Now they won’t be able to hear my complaining in person until they get home! Assuming I can remember whatever it was I said!
(Silent Bob puts his finger to his lips, pointing the screen, as the show comes back from commercial break. The Comrades have already taken seats as Jerry sits across from them.)
Jerry Springman: Welcome back to the show, folks! We’ve had plenty of surprises and revelations this afternoon! We’ve had Welderbots-
Elecman: Or guys you’ve been accusing of being Welderbots.
Jerry Springman: Alien siblings…
Needlegal: I’M NOT AN ALIEN!!
Xelloss: Denying it doesn’t make it less true, Ms. Needlegal.
Jerry Springman: But believe me when I say we saved the best for last. Would you all help me welcome Cossack's Comrades!
(The audience cheers as the Comrades all come out from behind the stage and take a seat. Well, at least most of them.)
Drillman: Bright? Are you okay?
Brightbabe: Yeah, I'm okay....Just a little stage fright, I guess...
(Brightbabe takes a seat next to Drillman, forcing herself to smile.)
Diveman: You sure you're alright?
Brightbabe: Sure! I just, uh...Didn't get to finish my taco, is all...
Diveman: ...If you say so...
Pharaohman: I think we're still missing someone. Where's Skull?
Waveman: Oww! Why are you hurting us??
(Everyone looks over and sees Skullman attacking the PC Sinister Six.)
Dustman: What are you doing??
Skullman: (slashing Waveman with a scythe) What? This isn't part of the introduction? All the other teams did it.
Iceman: Uhhh, yeah it is! Keep going! You're not done yet!
(Diveman and Brightbabe physically drag Skullman away from the PC Sinister Six.)
Shadowman: It was worth a try, Gary.
Waveman: You psychopath!!
Jerry Springman: Wow. A fight that didn't end with calling the police. There's always a first for everything, and I owe somebody $50. Anyway, back on track, it seems there a lot of skeletons waiting to come out of the closet in the Cossack family!
Diveman: (shoots Skullman a puzzled/alarmed look) Uhhh…Well, I never thought you’d swing that way, Zy. But uh, if it makes you happy. we’re cool.
Skullman: …No, Dive. Wrong skeletons coming out of wrong closets. Think harder.
Diveman: That’s not helping!
Drillman: If you’re going to tell me that my team is nothing but aliens, I’m already way ahead of you.
Ringman: I dunno. What if the big secret is that Skullman and Toadgirl are the same person?
Drillman: Don't be silly. Now you're just being paranoid. Do your worst.
Brightbabe: ...Or that one of us is-
Ringman: What was that?
Jerry Springman: Well, hold that thought. We have one last guest to bring out. And it’s going to knock you all for a loop. Would you all put your hands together for…Skullman’s brother!
Dustman: Wait, Zymeth has a brother?
(Suddenly, Wraithman appears on stage, taking a seat between Dustman and Skullman.)
Wraithman: Indeed. But don’t worry. We’ve met.
Skullman: For the record. I object strongly to being referred to like that.
Brightbabe: Whaaaaat? YOU'RE Zy's brother?
Pharaohman: ...All things considered, that seems about right.
Wraithman: Nothing more to say than that? No gasp? No audible shock?
Pharaohman: You kidding me? You're both macabre, sadistic skeletons with shady backgrounds and a perchance for darkness. I'd be more surprised if you weren't somehow related.
Drillman: Yes. Hmm. Honestly, this feels kind of like a letdown. You sure one of them isn't an alien? It's not too late to play that card.
Jerry Springman: ...That's not how this works.
Drillman: Pity. I wouldn't have seen that coming.
Wraithman: Hmph. Very well. At least the audience is shocked by revelation. By truth. It shatters their preconceptions of their fairy tale lives, and how everything has place and everything in its place.
Guy: Who's this guy, again?
Guy's Wife: Uhhh, couldn't tell you.
Another Woman: Aren't you kinda supposed to be...You know. In Castlevania?
Dr. Cossack: Bah! This is starting to get derivative! Can't they think of anything better than that?
Wraithman: ...Shock is slow to register for humans it seems. Particularly slow-witted ones.
Guy: ...Still nothing.
Shadowman: Honestly, I have bigger questions than that. Mostly, you said your new Skullman is a sadistic monster? You knew this when you let him on the team?
Shadowman: ...Okay. Now, forgive me if this next question seems kind of silly. But...Why?
Dustman: We didn't have any other friends to fill his spot. And he came highly recommended.
Shadowman: By who??
Toadgirl: ...Weeelll, I thought he was kinda lonely hanging out in the abandoned ruined laboratory all by himself.
Snakeman: Okay...That's typically not the kind of person who's looking for a friend. That's kind of person you should stay far away from because they did something bad, and they don't want to be found.
Skullman: I told them as much. And yet, here I am.
Wraithman: Consequences of having no soul. Easy to be rude. Disrespectful. The truth goes deeper than-
Gutsman: (holds up a finger) Just a second. Other than what you heard from Toadgirl, what do you know about him?
Skullman: What do you know about your new Elecman? Apparently, he was a Welderbot this whole time, and you never knew.
Elecman: They didn't need to figure out nothing about me, Skeletor. They were in a tight spot, and needed somebody to show up in the nick of time. They got exactly what they needed, and the only thanks I asked for is that they don't believe every wild story they hear about their heroes being Welderbots.
Bombman: ...Let's just agree you got us out of a tight spot. Though in all fairness, our Elecman maybe a cocky jerk, but he's on the level. It doesn't really sound like this guy is.
Toadgirl: He's not worse than your Fireman!
Fireman: Hey, unless you're the Muffin Man or Clay Aiken, I get along with anybody. Unless I don't like their face, I'm just in a bad mood, or I feel like eating them.
Diveman: Hm...I dunno guys. Maybe this isn't the Skullman we want for this team. If we let murderers and thugs onto our team, it might kinda ruin our image and send us down a dark path. Maybe we should toss this one back.
Skullman: I'm right here, you know.
Shadowman: That's great, but you still haven't answered the question.
Wraithman: The answer to your question-
Shadowman: I was asking them, not you.
Wraithman: His past is my past. We were one and the same. In his past life and present one. Until they brought us apart. Made ourselves into new wholes.
Brightbabe: ....Come again...?
Jerry Springman: What he's trying to say is, Skullman, Zymeth that is, had already lived one life. One filled with betrayal, heartbreak and a descent towards evil. We could fill a series alone with all the sordid details of his past life as the 'Murderer King'. But all you need to know is that his mind was transferred into the robot body you see here today!
Dr. Cossack: Ho! Now we're getting somewhere!
Jay: Hell yeah!
Drillman: Now THAT'S a secret worth revealing!
Jerry Springman: Oh, there's more. When he was brought back to life, he was cloned as well! And that clone is here with you now! (points to Wraithman)
Ringman: See, that's what you should've gone with! We could've guessed this guy was Zy's bro. But that he was his undead clone bro? That would've kept us guessing!
Wraithman: ...I could've told my own backstory myself.
Diveman: Cool! But uh, what was the point of doing all that?
Pharaohman: ...Actually, how do you know all of this?
Jerry Springman: You saw how he manipulated dark energy, didn't you? Even back when he was the 'Murderer King', he was capable of such power. And while there are a couple of robots that contain such power, none as concentrated as Zymeth, here. Even if he turned and destroyed the facility he was raised from, it was worth it!
Pharaohman: ...Seriously, there's no way you could've known all of this...
Dustman: Yes, why are you expositing all of this rather than all of this rather than letting us have a moment to let the shock in? You haven't given the audience a chance to gasp or cheer at all of this.
Jerry Springman: You're right. This is coming at you rather fast now, isn't it? Well, here's a big secret I've been saving. And don't worry, I'll give the audience a chance to digest it.
(Suddenly, springs all snap out of everyone's seats, including the audiences', binding them in place!)
Drillman: Hey!! What the-?!
Shadowman: What is this crap?!
Iceman: What's the big idea??
Jerry Springman: ...You are all now the property of Black Lotus!
Comrades: Black Lotus??
Guy: ...What the hell...?! Is this still part of the show?!
Guy's Wife: I don't know. But I'm more intrigued than ever to see how this turns out!
Another Woman: What's a Black Lotus?
Xelloss: Oh, come now. After all I've done for this show, all the juicy secrets I unearthed, THIS is the thanks I get? Hmph. The nerve of some people.
Dr. Cossack: Bah!! Now it's gone off the rails!! It's gone back to being silly again!
Skullman: ...I should've known you'd find me sooner or later.
(Suddenly, the screen behind the guests switch on to a pair of creepy-looking scientists, seemingly adjusting their faces.)
Yin: And well you should've, Zymeth. But don't worry, we kept your rooms just the way you left them. As for the rest of you, we're always looking for new volunteers to advance our promising work in cybernetics.
Dustman: Um? Point of interest? We're all robots. How are a bunch of robots going to help you with that?
Yang: I'm sure we can learn plenty about you once we dissect you and use your schematics for all sorts of fun and creative designs. It's all a bit technical, and from your perspective, not all that relevant. Aside from painful and dehumanizing it all is, of course.
Guy: ...Starting to think this isn't part of the show here...
Yin: There is no show you fool!! Isn't it obvious? This whole thing was a set up so we could recapture Zymeth and Wraithman! And now that we have what we're after, we can move onto better things!
Yang: Keep them restrained until we come along to collect them, Jerry. We won't be long.
(Ying and Yang grin creepily as the screen shuts off.)
Skullman: ...I hope you're satisfied.
Wraithman: Do not put this on me. I am just as surprised and inconvenienced by this as you are.
Hardman: Pffft! As if these this could stop me! I'm friggin' HARDMAN!
(Hardman strains his bonds. They bend, but....)
Hardman: I can't seem to ...
Gutsman: HAH! Leave it to the original strong man! It just takes a little more "ooomph" than you're used to, Hard Head.
Gutsman: Just .... a ... little ... more ...
(Try as they might, neither strength based robot can break Springman's springs.)
Jerry Springman: HAH! There is no escape from my wonderful springs! They're made form pure Adamantium!
Snakeman: And that means...!
(Snakeman's snake tries as he tries to gnaw his way through the bonds trapping his master.)
Snakeman: Don't worry, Black Adder. You tried your best.
Xelloss: Which was useless!
Spark Chan: That is not helping!
Xelloss: No, but neither are any of Mr. Snakeman's new snakes! Or am I wrong?
Elecman: I'll bust through these fuckin' springs!
Dustman: If the strongest bots around can't what makes you think you can?
Elecman: My winning personality.
Brightbabe: I can't even bite through these and I'm trying as hard as I can to imagine they're tacos. Tasty, tasty, metallic tacos!
Jerry Springman: Face it! You're going back to Black Lotus! All of you!
Toadgirl: NO! You'll never take me back!
Skullman: You'll take us over my dead body!
Wraithman: Over our dead bodies!
Ringman: But you're both kinda already ...
Skullman, Wraithman: It's a figure of speech!
(From out of the darkness a blue blue streak across the room and cuts Toadgirl free.)
Regulus: Neither of my friends will be going back to that nightmare factory while I still live!
Jerry Springman: BLUE FOX!
(The audience simply tilts their heads or furrow their eyebrows at the strange new arrival.)
Guy's Wife: Who do we cheer for right now? Jerry's kind of being a jerk right now...
Cut Chan: Eh? "The Blue Fox?" Does he mean Blue Quickman over there?
Elecman: Heh, I think he does! But who exactly is he supposed to be? Everyone knows Quickman's red! And that there's already a Quickman.
Shadowman: Maybe he's Reverse Quickman!
Needlegal: Think he's the Captain N version?
Spark Chan: That is very rude!
Snakeman: Although, it's a little rude to copy another robot's entire look, paint it blue, and call yourself original.
Spark Chan: Yeah that's true.
Regulus: I AM NOT QUICKMAN!
Gutsman: We know!
Geminiman: Wait! I know who you are!
Regulus: Finally! I'd have thought members of the vaulted Robot Police Department would recognize me. Even if it took a while ...
Geminiman: You're that Mr. Whiz character!
Regulus: You can all go die and go to Hell!
Jay: ...What the fuck is going on?
Dr. Cossack: Oh, come on!! Why can't they pick a plot and stick with it?!
Silent Bob: (shooting Cossack an alarmed look.)
Dr. Cossack: Bah! What are you looking at me for? This is all staged!! That's how it works for these shows!! The Comrades aren't in any real danger!
(Silent Bob simply shakes his head and lights up another joint. Meanwhile, Regulus frees the Cossacks from their bonds.)
Ringman: Sweet! Thanks of the save!
Regulus: Think nothing of it. Zymeth and I go way back. And anyone who's a friend of Zapper's is a friend of mine.
Elecman: But what about the rest of us?!
Regulus: I hope Black Lotus chops you up and sells your pieces!
(Toadgirl plats a large kiss on Regulus.)
Pharaohman: So who's going to turn into a prince in this situation?
Diveman: Wait, since when has this been going on!?
Toadgirl: Wellllllllllll, I do have a life outside the Comrades, you know.
Jerry Springman: No!!! You'll pay for this, Blue Fox!
(Jerry Springman unleashes some springs that bounce towards Regulus. But the not-Quickman ninja cuts them pieces!)
Regulus: You'll have to do better than that!
Drillman: It's just you against the nine of us. You really think you got a shot at this?
(Suddenly, several spring robots drop down from the ceiling, landing on top of Drillman, binding him!)
Drillman: What the-?!
Jerry Springman: You sure about that?
(More spring robots drop down, trying to land on the Cossacks. Diveman locks onto several of them with his dive missiles and blows them apart, but more keep dropping.)
Diveman: Just how many of these little buggers are there?!
Jerry Springman: You're in my domain! It only makes sense my forces are practically legion! This entire studio is under my control!
(Suddenly, springs pop out from under the audiences' chairs, and they start bouncing towards the Comrades!)
Guy: What the hell?!
Guy's Wife: I'm gonna be sick!!
Another Woman: Get me out of here!
Pharaohman: ...Aren't we having some fun now.
Ringman: There's only one thing to do! Fight fire with fire! Or springs!
(Ringman jumps into a seat and stops hopping around!)
Ringman: Hahahaha!! You thought I was a terror while I was on two legs?! Now you face everyone's worst nightmare! Spring Ring!!
Wraithman: ...I hardly think even a small child would be frightened of that.
(Ringman tries throwing ring boomerangs at Jerry. But the seat is bouncing so erratically, he can't aim properly!)
Ringman: Whoa horsey!! Whoa! Whooa!! Stop it!! What are you doing?!
(Ringman keeps bouncing around all over the place without rhyme or reason. By now, he's bounced off the stage towards the back of audience rows!)
Ringman: ...I think I made a misstaaaaakkkkeee!! (bounces away)
Regulus: ...That didn't help at all.
Xelloss: Heheheh. Well, I thought it was funny! Oh, that silly Mr. Ringman…
Elecman: This is stupid! There's no way a bunch of springs are getting the best of this team's resident badass!
Cutchan: What are you going to do? You're not going to be able to bust out of them!
Elecman: Don't need to! I shoot lightning out of my hands. With just a point of my finger, I'll fry his brains from the comfort of my chair.
Gutsman: No don't-!!
(Even with his chair bouncing around, Elecman is able to twist his hand just enough to aim it at Jerry and fires a thunder beam. But instead of damaging him, it seems give him strange powers, as he starts glowing.)
Jerry Springman: Hahahaha!! I was hoping someone was silly enough to try that!
(With a wave of his hands, Jerry sweeps the Comrades off their feet, as though he was a magnet. Pushing his advantage, he launches both his arms, wrapping them around Skullman as more springs keep dropping from the ceiling, binding the Comrades!)
Regulus: (glares at Leon) That helped even less.
Gutsman: ...Nice work, Leon.
Elecman: Oh, like you saw that coming.
Gutsman: THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIT SPRINGMAN WITH ELECTRICITY!!
Xelloss: Don’t worry, Mr. Elecman. You did your best.
Snakeman: That’s not what you told me!!
Jerry Springman: Well, you all made an honest effort. But your fate was sealed the minute you came into my studio! Just surrender now before you embarrass yourselves further!
Toadgirl: No!! I won't let you take him from me!
(Toadgirl unleashes a rain flush, showering the stage with rain! The rain causes the springs binding everyone to rust, and crumble to dust, and negates Jerry's magnetized effect.)
Gutsman: (bursts from his springs) Uggh! Finally!
Hardman: (smashes out of his springs) Oh yeah!!
\Geminiman: Once again, I really hope nobody's watching.
Xelloss: (warps out of his seat) Don’t worry, Mr. Geminiman. Your secret is safe with me!
Shadowman: What the-?! You mean you could've warped out of that chair at any time?!
Xelloss: Well, I was enjoying our time together! Besides, think how jealous you would've been to see me up and about, while you were stuck in those uncomfortable chairs?
Needlegal: AND IT NEVER OCCURRED TO YOU TO WARP OUT OF YOUR CHAIR AND CUT US FREE?
Xelloss: There's no reason to well. We're all free now, aren't we? Besides, you should be mad at your fellow Kuipers not coming to your rescue.
Shadowman and Needlegal: WE'RE NOT ALIENS!!
Jerry Springman: No!! No!! I can't lose!!
(Jerry Springman starts hopping away with Skullman in tow.)
Drillman: Don't let him get away!!
Brightbabe: Not a problem!!
(Brightbabe unleashes a flash stopper, blinding Jerry! While he's disoriented, Diveman hits him with a dive missile, knocking Skullman out of his grasp.)
Diveman: Got him!!
Skullman: Hm. Much obliged. Rethinking swapping Skullmen, I assume?
(Skullman swipes at Jerry with his scythe, slashing his arms clean off!)
Jerry Springman: Agggghhh!!
Drillman: We got him on the ropes! Let's finish him off!!
(Drillman, Dustman, Pharaohman and Regulus bombard Jerry with their respective weapons before he can get up. The trash talk show host is badly battered and coughing up oil at the Comrades', Sinister Six's and Mechs' feet.)
Skullman: If you have anything else to say, better make it memorable.
Jerry Springman: You haven't stopped anything, if that's what you're thinking. Black Lotus will keep coming for you and your froggy friend!
Skullman: (raises his scythe) That's their mistake.
(Skullman is about to bring his scythe down when Diveman grabs the handle.)
Diveman: Cut the guy a break! He's not going to hurt anybody!
Regulus: Don't be soft on him. He doesn't deserve our pity.
Diveman: It's what separates us from him! We can't sink to his level.
(Diveman steps between Skullman and Regulus with his arms out, not letting either bot past him.)
Skullman: Instead of switching me out for a nicer Skullman, perhaps we should swap you out for a more...flexible Diveman.
Regulus: If he doesn't let us finish the job, his spot on the team might have an opening, if you catch my meaning...
Brightbabe: No! He's got the right idea! C'mon, Jer. Don't you realize what you're doing? You're destroying the show you built up just because two mean creepy guys said so! Aren't you going to miss any of this if Skull, Wraith and Toad get taken away?
Jerry Springman: ...No...No, what have I done? This was a terrible, terrible mistake!! I'm sorry, everyone. If you give me a chance, I'll-AGGGHHH!!
(Suddenly, Wraithman's fist bursts out of his chest, as the specter-themed robot lifts him up in the air.)
Wraithman: Redemption is wasted on soulless, backstabbing cretins, such as yourself. It is not like the pearly gates will open for you.
Jerry Springman: Ackkk...Accckkk!!
(Wraithman drops Jerry's body to the ground before slicing him in half lengthwise with his scythe.)
Wraithman: Same goes for all of you. Your judgment is coming. Not today. Some other day.
Pharaohman: We hear the same thing out of Ballade, so we're not worried.
Dustman: Where is he, anyway? I figured if anyone was going to cause any trouble, it would've been him. I'm surprised he didn't recognize us on live television.
Drillman: Shhhhh!! Are you trying to jinx us?
Wraithman: Zymeth, your fate is not tied with theirs. Not in any meaningful way. Join me. Let them fall. Even if salvation was possible, you will not find through them.
Skullman: Don't kid yourself. If I can't be saved, I'd rather be a monster among friends than a deluded monster wallowing in isolation.
Wraithman: Friends? You mean like your beloved Katrina, I assume. That turned out well. No reason why that wouldn't happen again, correct? Keep them at arm's length. Assuming they do not perish, you will turn on them. Don't believe me? Ask Verdane, Murderer King. You kept that realm closer to you than these soulless constructs.
Diveman: ...Am I the only one who's a little lost right now?
Toadgirl: Zy's got a complicated history. That's all.
Wraithman: Not important you know or understand. Just choose whose blade you'd rather see before you die. His or mine. Until that day...
(The lights go dark momentarily. Once they come back on, Wraithman has already departed.)
Xelloss: My, my. What a troubled fellow.
Toadgirl: Well, don't let him get to you, Zy! He's jealous that he'll never have friends like you have!
Skullman: ...And for that, I am very thankful.
Regulus: I just wish we finished him off when we had the chance.
Pharaohman: In all fairness, we all had other things on our plate.
Regulus: Yes springs. Awful, dreaded, unbeatable springs.
Topman: Yeah, it’s all fun and games until you get wrapped up in one of those damn things, Sir Swift.
Gutsman: Or end up supercharging one of them. (glares at Elecman)
Elecman: Still the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. You think that’d happen if I shocked your bedsprings?! That’s the same as fighting a guy who gets stronger every time you punch him!
Fireman: That’s Doomsday, dude.
Elecman: Yeah, but he wasn’t a frickin’ spring!!
Toadgirl: Well, I’m glad you showed up when you did! We couldn’t have made it without you!
(Toadgirl plants a kiss on Regulus, who returns with a warm embrace.)
Regulus: If you’re ever in trouble, just remember I won’t be far away. But I can tell you’re in good hands (glances at the Comrades.)
Drillman: You can count on us. We always look after our own.
Dustman: Without fail, through thick and thin! We never leave a man behind! That’s our golden rule, and we stick with it, no matter the cost!
Comrades: One for all, and all for one!
Skullman: A noble sentiment. If you’re willing to stick your neck out for Zapper like that, we may have something in common after all.
Toadgirl: (glances at the Mechs and S6) See? He's just right for us! He wants gets along with us!
Regulus: Well, take good care for her. I’d stick around longer. But the authorities are no doubt closing in. For the dozenth time today, I’m assuming. I’d rather not be here when they are. They and I have a…history together.
Geminiman: Oh look. Another dodgy character with a shady background. Better keep tabs on him in case your team has another opening (shoots the Cossacks a withering glare.)
Drillman: It’s just the one psycho!
Diveman: I don’t think that’s helping your argument.
Skullman: Again, I’m right here.
Regulus: Farewell, Comrades. I’m sure our paths will cross again.
(Regulus dashes off into the darkness, fading off into the distance as a blue blur.)
Iceman: Well, it’s been a blast. We had shocks, surprises and learned a lot of fun facts about a few us here-
Elecman: Some of them even true.
Bombman: What were you then, if you weren’t a Welderbot?
Elecman: …A porn star…?
Cut Chan: …I would’ve stuck with Welderbot.
Spark Chan: Thank goodness he's not on my team...
Iceman: -But!! I think we’ve sucked the fun out of this place. I think it’s time we go home. Gutsman and/or Bombman are probably late for their date with Yoko, anyway. Heheheh.
Bombman: I told you, it’s just coffee!
Gutsman: And she says you’re just a friend!
Fireman: Don’t ever talk to a girl who says she only just has a friend! I learned that one from Iris. I know, because I was the friend she was referring to.
Elecman: Now, why didn’t we hear about that before Springman tried to trap us?
(The Sinister Six keep bickering amongst themselves as they depart.)
Snakeman: Well, everything turned out okay.
Needlegal: And we learned something, too.
Shadowman: That we should’ve gone to the 'Price is Right' with Magnet. Amen.
Hardman: If he played Plinko, he probably could use his powers to drop the chip into the jackpot slot.
Needlegal: We learned not to get swept up in this basest claptrap. It sucks out your IQ, and leaves you vulnerable and easily manipulated. I mean, we should’ve known something was wrong when Springman was monologuing about Skullman. But we were too drawn by the melodrama to see the trap close around us until it was too late.
Drillman: You’re just saying that because you want us to forget that you all are a bunch of aliens.
Xelloss: No, just Mr. Shadowman and Ms. Needlegal.
Shadowman and Needlegal: WE’RE NOT ALIENS!!
Xelloss: And Mr. Geminiman’s from a Matrix-like world called the Shadow Worlds.
Geminiman: Why would you tell him that?!
Drillman: I knew it!! I knew it!! ALIENS!!
Topman: Well, until the mothership beams up Shadow and Needle, we are…
Xelloss: THE MECHANICAL MANIACS!!
Xelloss: Beg my pardon. I always wanted to say that.
Snakeman: …Why are you still here?
Spark Chan: Why are any of us still here? Let’s just go home.
Hardman: I just hope Magnet's day wasn't as humiliating as this.
(The Mechs all depart, with Xelloss following after them. Meanwhile, in a separate studio...)
Bob Barker: Well, Jonathan. All you have to do is tell me the price of that singing Yoko Ono statue without going $15 over, and you’re off to an all-expense-paid trip to Montreal!!
Magnetman: I can taste the poutine and the Le Milsa turnstile meat already!
Bob Barker: What is the price of that lovely statue?
Magnetman: I got a good feeling about this! $500!!
Bob Barker: Oh, that’s too bad. Let’s see how high that mountain climber is going to go!
(Bob Barker points to the Cliffhangers Game, and the little mountain climber starts going up the mountain, yodeling away.)
Bob Barker: …Wow, look at him go…!
(The climber keeps climbing up the slope, yodeling away without losing steam, reaching the $15 mark.)
Bob Barker: …He’s really booking it. Let’s hope he stops…
(The climber zips past the $20 mark, working his way up to the $25 mark overlooking the dropoff. Sure enough, he reaches the cliff. But inexplicably stops before going over.)
Bob Barker: That’s odd. You were off by $495, at least. He shouldn’t have stopped there…
(The mountain climber tries to move forward, but something is holding it back.)
Bob Barker: …Is that thing jammed again? Alexia, tell Terry to come on down here have a look at that thing.
Magnetman: …Just my lucky day, I guess.
(Bob glances at Magnet, who’s holding his arms out, shaking. And sweat pouring down his face.)
Bob Barker: Oh, now. You’re not cheating and using your powers, are you, Jonathan? For shame!
Magnetman: (gritting teeth, sweating harder) ….No!! Why would you say that…??
(But despite Magnet’s best efforts of not using his powers, the mountain climber keeps trying to march forward. Magnet focuses as much as he can, digging his heels in, scraping up the floor as he gets pulled closer to the game.)
(Suddenly, loud clunking and whirring sounds can be heard inside the game as smoke come billowing out. But the mountain climber has come to a halt at long last.)
Magnetman: …That counts, right?
(Back at the Jerry Springman studio, Drillman keeps watching the Mechs intently as they leave.)
Drillman: You’re not fooling me. Whatever you two are up to, I’ll find out…
Dustman: So what if they are aliens? They’ve been our friends this whole time. I can’t think of any reason why they’d turn against us. We’re lucky to have them.
Diveman: Well, their Hardman drinks more than what’s good for him. But other than that, I kinda look up to them.
Drillman: …Yeah, I suppose a lot of us have some goofy origins/backstories, too. I guess them being aliens isn’t that far out left field. Thanks for bringing me back to my senses, guys.
Toadgirl: Happy to help!
Pharaohman: You okay, BB? You’ve been kind of quiet.
Brightbabe: Well, sorry to spring this on you, but there was another secret I was gonna share before Jerry turned out be evil and tried to kill us.
Skullman: Don’t say you’re an alien, it may set Drill back.
Drillman: Very funny.
Brightbabe: …But my grammy just passed away and left me an inheritance. It’s not much, but it’s enough to start my lifelong dream of starting a taco restaurant!
Diveman: You want to give up a life of family and adventure for tacos?
Brightbabe: As much as I enjoy hanging out with you guys, running a taco restaurant is a fulltime job! It’s been my lifelong dream since I was six! I can’t do that and fight crime at the same time!
Toadgirl: …When I was six, my lifelong dream was to be the Little Mermaid…
Brightbabe: I know! Couldn’t you quit and come work at my restaurant? We could still be a family! A taco family!
Skullman: …No offense, but I don’t think tacos mean as much to us as they do you.
Dustman: Where are you going to sell tacos? There’s Taco Bells just about everywhere.
Brightbabe: Not in Tonga, there aren’t! They don’t know what they’re missing!!
Toadgirl: …Do they even know what tacos are?
Brightbabe: Well, they’re about to find out!
(With a flash, the Brightman armor around Chibi Keba vanishes, leaving her as her ordinary self, and the armor at her feet.)
Chibi Keba: Take care, guys! It’s been fun! If you’re ever in Tonga, swing on by! I’ll give you a discount!
(Chibi Keba departs the studio, leaving the seven Comrades alone.)
Drillman: …Well, that was fairly abrupt.
Dustman: …At least she wasn’t shanghaied by pirates.
Diveman: I’m just spitballing, but does Zapper or Zy have any other pals hanging out in abandoned laboratories or hospitals looking for a better home?
Toadgirl: No, just the one.
Pharaohman: Oh. Well, it looks like Chibi’s spot is going to be open for a while.
(As the Comrades discuss things amongst themselves, the woman from the audience approaches the Comrades with a pen and paper.)
Another Woman: Sorry to interrupt, but could I trouble you for your autographs? I’ve been fans of yours for a while now. I came to this show so I could see you.
Drillman: Of course! Who should we make it out to?
Another Woman: Julie. But my friends call me Jet.
Diveman: Jet it is! Hey, Ring! You excited to meet one of your fans?
Diveman: Ring?? You still here?
Skullman: He’s not normally this (blissfully) quiet.
(Suddenly, Ringman, still stuck in his bouncy chair, drops in from the ceiling on top of Diveman! Knocking him out cold!)
Ringman: LOOK OUT I CAN’T STOP!!
Skullman: …There he is.
Dustman: Hang on, Ring! We’ll get you out!
(Drill, Pharaoh, Skull, and Dust all fire at Ring’s chair. But they have trouble aiming at the bouncing target without hitting Ring, and end up missing. As they struggle, the chair jumps on top of Toadgirl, knocking her out!)
Jet: Look out!!
(The chair is about to jump on top of Dustman, but Jet grabs a hold of the Brightman armor, instantly donning it. Not missing a second, she uses a flash stopper to stun the bouncing chair long enough for the Comrades to destroy it in mid-jump…Sending Ringman plummeting towards the hard, unforgiving ground!)
Ringman: Looks like Team Ring-ket is falling down aaaggaaaaainnnn!!!
Skullman: …Yes, Spring Ring is the stuff of nightmares alright. (glances at Diveman’s unconscious corpse) Well, for Diveman it was.
Pharaohman: That was some quick thinking, Jet!
Jet: Thanks!! …Oops. I took your armor without asking. I guess you want it back, don’t you?
Drillman: …You know what? I think it’s a good look for you. If you’re willing to hang out with us, you can keep it as long as you want.
Jet: Wow!! You-you really mean it? Hang out with my heroes?
Drillman: Sure, why not?
Dustman: We’ve let sketchier people join on more spontaneous basis than this.
Skullman: He’s not wrong.
Jet: Th-that’s great! I-I-I don’t know what to say!! Thank you!! Thank you so much!!
Drillman: Well, then it’s settled. Welcome aboard, Jet!
Brightbabe: I can’t tell you how excited I am! I know!! It’s Tuesday, and I know this restaurant that does dollar tacos!!
Pharaohman: Yep. All is right with the world.
Ringman: (head swaying back and forth dizzily) Hit Deborah Cliff with your head to make a hole!
(The new Brightbabe beams with pride as the Comrades (minus the unconscious/knocked sensless ones) all individually welcome her aboard. Meanwhile, Cossack switches off the TV and tosses aside the remote.)
Jay: ...Okay...So, what are your final thoughts, huh Doc?
Dr. Cossack: Bah!! I have no idea what you see in that show. It was all over the place!
Jay: Are you kidding me? That's what makes it fucking awesome! Anything that can happen, will happen.
Dr. Cossack: But it doesn't look like we're going to get another after this one.
Jay: ...Oh. Yeah, that does suck.
Dr. Cossack: But in all fairness, it wasn't a total train wreck. A lot of those people have a lot of dark secrets. Welderbots, aliens, being related to a godless mass murderer/and or being one. Or worst of all, dating Yoko Ono. But they don't let their past define them. They continue to grow, and move forward in life. With their best friends who see through the worst of them and carry them through their rough spots. Probably because their friends are going to need someone to carry them through their own rough spots. It's a never-ending cycle that keeps this world going, and what makes it a better place.
Jay: Dude, that was cheesy as fuck. Stick to watching Oprah, man.
Dr. Cossack: Bah!! Well, you asked!! How would close this out?
Silent Bob: Til next time, take care of yourselves and each other.
Jay: Like that. Right on, SB!
Barbara Walters: Now welcome back, everyone. On today's show, parents and their out-of-control kids. Our first guest is-
(Suddenly, the back of the wall behind her explodes, as Ballade leaps through firing ballade crackers!)
Barbara Walters: AHHHHH!!!
Ballade: There's nowhere to hide now, Comrades! Now I shall take back what is mine!!
Barbara Walters: ...The Comrades?! Who on earth are-Wait. You don't mean that Russian trailer trash on the Springman show, do you?
Ballade: ...What??! I still haven't found the right studio?! How hard can they be to find?! (turns to leave) I'll find you vermin yet!!
Barbara Walters: Hold on a second. As long as you're here, why not talk about your problems? You seem to have a lot of anger you need to unload!
Ballade: We have nothing to discuss!!
Barbara Walters: You said they took something from you. What was it?
Ballade: ...If you must know, they made their own Mega Man 4 before I could make mine.
Barbara Walters: Oh, dear. That's too bad. How long have you been carrying this?
Ballade: ...A couple years now. It's okay. Once I beat them, I can start my own team and-
Barbara Walters: I think this more than just starting a Mega Man team, whatever those are. I think you're looking to be loved. To have friends. Where are your friends now?
Ballade: ....That's just it!! The Comrades are the closest I have to actual friends! There's no one else in my life but them! There never has been! And all I do is try and hurt them! *sniff sniff*
Barbara Walters: Well, I can tell you that's not true.
Ballade: *sniff* ...Why's that...?
Barbara Walters: Because you're with friends now.
(Ballade goes from sniffling to sobbing uncontrollably. Barbara pushes over a box of tissues, which Ballade helps himself to.)
Ballade: I'm so sorry, Comrades!! If you're watching, I'm so sorry! You can be the official Mega Man 4 team, if you want! Just let me be a sidekick on a couple of your adventures, and I'll call it all even!!
Barbara Walters: Wherever and whoever the Comrades are, I'm sure they're lucky to have a friend like you. And I'm sure deep down they feel the same.
Ballade: (blows his nose)...Thank you so much for being so understanding. The last eight studios I visited were very rude.
Jay: ...This shit's the worst. (changes channel.)