By Geoff (Dive Man)
Narrator: Today begins. Like any other day. With Ballade doing. What he always does.
Ballade: *firing ballade crackers* At last, wretched Comrades!! Victory shall be mine!
Ringman: *dodging* Dude!! What the hell?! I thought we were on your team!!
Ballade: Oh. Right. Sorry. Force of habit.
Ringman: Great! Now tell everyone else to cut that out!!
*Ringman points over towards the Napalmman, Stoneman, Crystalgirl, and Chargeman who are attacking Brightbabe and Pharaoh Woman, laughing like the maniacs they are.
Chargeman: Whaaaaat?! Charge thought this was point of team!!
Crystalgirl: Yeah, we were basically following the leader.
Pharaoh Woman: But we’re the ones paying you! Did you forget?!
Stoneman: We thought it was strange, too. But hey. It’s your cash.
*Suddenly Toadman jumps on Ringman and starts punching him until Pharaoh Woman and Bright Babe pull him off.
Ringman: What was that for?! We were always on the same team!
Toadman: Hey, all the cool people were doing it.
Chargeman: *points at Ballade* You bad leader! You mix us up! On purpose!
Ballade: There’s nothing confusing about it. The days of getting back at the Comrades for forming a Mega Man 4 team before I could are over!
Brightbabe: …For better or for worse...
Ballade: Oh, don’t you worry. It’ll get even better once we get to spend some time together. Alone. With a bottle of champagne and Ginuwine.
Brightbabe: …Getting worse.
Chargeman: Oh! So that’s what we do! Get smoochy smoochy with purty light bulb girl?
Brightbabe: Agh!!! Get away!!
Chargeman: Make up mind! Charge no like being confused!!
Napalmman: In all seriousness, what is the point of this fucking team? What kind of missions are we looking at?
Ballade: I’m so glad you asked! The first thing we’re going to do is bond as a team, building the foundations of trust and support that will no doubt serve as the foundation of our team!
Crystalgirl: Great. And I got just the way of doing that. *pulls out a board game* I just got “Endangered Orphans of Condyle Cove”. And I bet you all are as eager to send some helpless orphans to their untimely gruesome deaths as I am.
Pharaoh Woman: …Is that how the game is supposed to be played…?
Brightbabe: …We’re not using real orphans, are we…?
*Crystalgirl’s and Napalmman’s eyes light up with excitement.
Napalmman: Yes! YES! *points to Stoneman* Find some! Or make some! Yes!!
Ballade: What?? Hey!! I didn’t say you could go goofing off!
Crystalgirl: Why not?
Ringman: Yeah, everyone’s just getting settled in. There’s no villain out challenging us. Do we have anything better to do?
Ballade: Well, it’s my team! I say when we can rest and when we have work to do!
Toadman: I got an idea that everyone is going to love! There’s this bakery that makes the best dang cookies-
Brightbabe, Ringman and Pharaoh Woman: NO.
Toadman: …You guys were a lot more fun before you booted me out...
Ballade: Well, I didn’t form this team just so that we can sit around and eat cookies!!
Pharaoh Woman: Uhhh…Actually, if I may, my fellow ruler-
Ballade: We are NOT both rulers of this team! I rule this team alone! ME.
Pharaoh Woman: …Rude…But, I’m just saying. Uh, most of the time, we do just sit around. At least until something happens or somebody asks for our help.
Napalmman: That, or we feel like invading something. Either’s good.
Brightbabe: What?? I don’t wanna be a team that invades anything! That’s mean!
Ringman: And we’re with RPD. We put a stop to that. We don’t encourage it.
Crystalgirl: Well, that’s weak. I don’t want to just sit around helping old ladies across streets, getting cats down from trees, or…Or…Building community centers.
Pharaoh Woman: …Building community centers…?
Crystalgirl: I don’t know! What does RPD even do? Other than get slaughtered by us or let Crorq burp fast food in their faces?
Toadman: That sounds like fun! Let’s do that!!
Ballade: NO!! I-
*Not even listening, Toadman raids Ballade’s fridge and scarfs down anything and everything he can get his hands on.
Ballade: What??! Stop!! I didn’t say you could have any of that!!
*Ballade’s face is covered in drool, half-chewed food, gastric juices, and various other fluids that everyone is better off not knowing.
Ballade: …This…Is revolting.
Stoneman: And it’s the best idea anybody’s come up with so far.
Toadman: Who’s next?
Chargeman: ME ME ME ME!!
*Chargeman snatches a truck passing by and takes a big bite out of it!
Truck Driver: AH!! NOT LIKE THIS!! AGAIN!! AAHHHHH!!
*Chargeman’s burp sprays hot coal, chewed pieces of truck and truck driver everywhere, with most of the juicy parts landing on Ballade’s face.
Chargeman: *running in circles* YAAAAAAYYY!! Thiissss is fuuuunn!!!
Toadman: Alright, who’s next?
Crystalgirl: *grabs a coke* Watch and learn, bitches.
*Ballade angrily fires ballade crackers everywhere, silencing everyone.
Stoneman: …Well, that was uncalled for.
Ringman: …For the most part.
Ballade: That’s it! No more board games! No more cookies!! Definitely no more belching contests! And no more RAIDING MY FRIDGE!!
Chargeman: But it our fridge! We team now. We share everything.
Ballade: That’s not how it’s supposed to work!!
Pharaoh Woman: Ummm…Yeah. It kind of is.
Ballade: Excuse me! Is this Pharaoh Woman’s Battlers? No. It’s Ballade’s Battlers! And if Ballade says the fridge is off limits, it’s off limits!!
Pharaoh Woman: …Sor-RY!
Napalmman: Alright, fine. We’ve ruled out board games, mass murder, cookies, laughing at bodily functions, and apparently breakfast, lunch, dinner, and everything else fun in between. What does that leave us? Captain??
*Elsewhere, on an oilrig not far offshore, a Suzy rebellion is raging in full force! Workers everywhere run for their lives as rampaging Suzies latch onto them, dragging them to the ground!
Worker: No! NO! Get away!!
Suzy: Death to bourgeois humanoids!!
Suzy: Four limbs good! Four suckers better!!
Grand High Suzy: Continue forth, my brethren! After all, is a suzy not entitled to the health pellet off his own brow? No, says the humans! It belongs to his owner! No, says Dr. Wily! It belongs in randomly placed locations in his lair! No, says Mega Man! It belongs in his health meter! We choose a different path! We choose-
Hunter: You really think cribbing Andrew Ryan is getting us any popularity points?
Grand High Suzy: Hunter! Just this once, I’m going to pretend you didn’t just undermine everything we stand for!
Hunter: First off, my name is Ted, you jerk. Second, I told you a violent uprising is the worst way to fight for our equality. Everyone’s just going to assume we’re a bunch of violent animals who deserve to be controlled. We need to stop this before it gets out of hand.
Grand High Suzy: Before it gets out of hand? We’ve hardly started! How would YOU fight for our equality?
Hunter: Reach out to people! Show them the life we have to live! The suffering we have to endure! Most people are good people. They just need to be shown a better way.
Grand High Suzy: Ha!! Nobody will ever grant us our freedom, unless you rise up and throw off oppressive the yoke of our masters. No matter the risk, no matter the cost, any patriotic suzy would be honored to for the opportunity to lay down their lives for me! Their master!
Grand High Suzy: ...That came out wrong.
Hunter: I’m out of here.
*’Ted’ hovers off the rig towards the mainland, leaving Grand High Suzy fuming.
Grand High Suzy: Fine! The revolution can carry on without you! When this becomes our new Mecca, its doors will be closed to you!
Suzy: He can’t hear you, Bill.
Grand High Suzy: That’s ‘Master’ to you!
Suzy: Ah! Sorry, master!
*Back on the mainland, Ballade has decided on a course of action and is currently leading his team to victory!
Ballade: So, which one of you had the arrogance and the stupidity to challenge the might of the new Mega Man team in town? Obviously, this wasn’t your first mistake. But I assure you, it will be your LAST!
Man: ...Who are you talking to, son?
Ringman: We don’t know.
Ballade: Aha!! So you dare stand against us?
Man: Who are you people?
Pharaoh Woman: ...Drunk. Really, really drunk.
Brightbabe: *whispers* ...If only...
Ballade: Challenge us, IF YOU DARE!
*Ballade jumps on top of a car firing his wrist cannons into the air. Everyone within an earshot of Ballade just stare at him as though he’s a raving lunatic, and cautiously walk around him, giving themselves extra space. The rest of the Battlers are trailing further and further behind, trying not to be seen with him.
Chargeman: Charge feel silllllyyy...
Brightbabe: ...We’re drawing a crowd here...
Ballade: Of course! Spectators of our upcoming victory, who will be immortalize our tales of might and glory from their lips to the world's ears!
Crystalgirl: ...I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but nobody is going to come out of the blue and pick a fight with us.
Ballade: Well obviously, they wouldn’t if we just stayed at home!
Napalmman: Well, we’re not getting anywhere just wandering around aimlessly and screaming at the top of our lungs! What the fuck are you hoping for?! A random encounter?! Our archenemy isn’t gonna pop out of thin fucking air!
Ringman: ...Ours did.
Ballade: Indeed! No reason to assume it wouldn’t work twice!
Woman: What I want to know is, how come nobody has told the police that there are four wanted, genocidal monsters walking down the street?!
Chargeman: Cool! There four jenny-cycle robots out for a walk, just like us! We should be friieeeenndss!!
*Everyone slowly turns and gives Chargeman a withering glare.
Crystalgirl: ...Well, to answer your question, everyone knows they won't do any good. They haven't stopped us in over fifteen years. Deep down, you know they never will. And things are only going to get messy the minute they show up. For everyone. Is that what you want?
*The woman turns pale as a sheet as Crystalgirl materializes a swarm of axes, blades, and other jagged painful things over the woman's head. She quickly turns and runs away while she can.
Crystalgirl: Smart girl.
Ballade: You fool! You just ruined what could've been an epic encounter!!
Crystalgirl: You really think a forty-something pregnant housewife is going to put up any real fight?
Ringman: And the public is not going to like a team of robots that picks fights with the cops.
Brightbabe: Is our reputation going to be okay hanging out with the Androids?
Ringman: If anyone asks, we're just Cossack's Creations, and we fell in with a different crowd. I mean, they had to have wound up somewhere after Kalinka revived us, right?
Ballade: Ringman! What are you whispering behind our backs??
Ringman: It's okay, I'm just clearing something up.
Ballade: Next time, if you have something to say, make sure we can all hear it!
Ringman: It really wasn't any of your-Oh no. Wait a minute. You don't think I'm a spy, do you?
Ballade: You said it!
Ringman: For the love of-You honestly believe Drill's paranoid crap?!
Ballade: I may not like him, but Drill’s a sharp leader. If he says you’re a spy, he must know what you’re talking about. And besides, why did you join my team anyway?
Ringman: Because you recruited me!
Ballade: Or maybe you wiped my mind and everyone else’s to think that! I saw it happen on Torchwood! Who’s to say you didn’t do it here?
Ballade: Oh, now what?! Who here is sleeping on the job?!
*Ballade looks around and finds Stoneman fast asleep, curled up into a pile of rubble resting on top of Chargeman.
Stoneman: *taking shape* Zzzzzzzzzzzz…..Urk. Huh? What? Did somebody call?!
Ballade: For shame! You dare sleep when our moment of glory is soon to be upon us?
Stoneman: You said it yourself. We can’t eat, hang out, play games or even burp until you got an adventure for us. And I knew it was going to take you a while, and there was nothing else fun to do.
Pharaoh Woman: I would at least humbly suggest coming up with a clearer idea of what our first adventure should be. It is impossible for anyone to rise against us if we do not decide what we stand for.
Stoneman: We’ve been through this. Half of the team just wants everyone to loosen up, have some cheap thrills, and paint the town red. The other half are sticks in the mud who wouldn’t know a good time if they stabbed it in the face.
Ringman: And by that, you mean half of us want to murder every man, woman and child and tear this city down brick by brick. While the other half are officers of the law who are sworn to protect this city and its people.
Stoneman: You just said what I just said. Only it was more boring.
Toadman: Hey! I’m not an officer of the law! I’m not sworn to protect anything! Bring on the cheap thrills!
Napalmman: Ha! It’s five to three now! We’re in a majority! Murder, rape and mayhem it is!!
Ringman: No!! Damnit, Flippy! You don’t even know what you’re agreeing to!
Toadman: Doesn’t matter! Whatever it is, I just made it awesome!
Ballade: What’s with the side chatter?!
Pharaoh Woman: My liege, we were-
Ballade: Meddling in things that are clearly, CLEARLY outside of your skillset and your station! For the last time, unlike some of us, you are NOT an actual divinely appointed ruler! Just because you insist on wearing that silly costume, doesn't mean you are in charge! Never forget that!
Pharaoh Woman: ...Now you're just being mean...
Ballade: As I was saying, while you were getting everyone wound up, I was looking for a suitable adversary, worthy of our talents.
Crystalgirl: ...Good luck with that.
Ballade: ...And I finally found one!!
Brightbabe: Oh, thank goodness. Who?
*Ballade points to a suzy, watching a news report on a videoscreen.
Plum: ...But the bra has yet to be reclaimed. In other news, the suzy rebellion suffered a massive blow when a team of vigilantes known as ‘Punk’s Pugilists’ -
Shadowman: *over camera feed* Damnit! We told you before, WE'RE NOT CALLING OURSELVES THAT!
Punk: *over camera feed* Shut up, Hoserman!
Plum: -Liberated all but one of the oilrigs that the suzies have taken control over. The Grand High Suzy declined to comment, which we all know is code for ‘he’s pooping his pants.’
Ripot: If he had pants, of course.
Plum: Right you are, Ripot!
Hunter: Whew. Glad I wasn’t there for that.
Chargeman: Our bad guy is one-balled basketball?
Ballade: You fool! Don’t you recognize what that is?? It’s a suzy! Didn’t you hear the news report about the suzy uprising?
Chargeman: But that not here. That on oil rig. We no on oilrig...Or did we go to oil rig and no tell Charge? Again?
Ballade: Clearly, their rebellion is spreading!
Stoneman: It really isn’t doing anything.
Ballade: Not yet. Clearly, it’s biding its time. But come to think of it-Yes! YES! This is the one!
Ballade: Enough! The time to strike has come!
Napalmman: Oh for fuck’s sake. What are you-
*Before anyone can stop him, Ballade leaps toward the blindsided suzy, firing ballade crackers!
Hunter: AHHH!! Wha-what did I do??
Ballade: I have scoured the city long and hard to find an adversary such as you! And it only makes sense that I run into you here and now!
Hunter: -Wha-what?? Why?
Ringman: That’s the question everyone is asking. I don’t think there’s a good answer.
Ballade: Nice try, traitor! Try as you may, you can't erase the memory of the one-eyed guardian on Wily’s space ship who failed to stop Mega Man not once, but twice! Surely, you all remember as clearly as I do!
Crystalgirl: You mean the ship we were never on, with robots we’ve never met, during the time we weren’t there for? Like it was yesterday.
Ballade: Well, thanks to his failure, Mega Man was able to humiliate you all once more before destroying the Wily Iron Golem!!
Hunter: Well by your logic, I should be mad at you for not stopping Megaman BEFORE he got on the station and beat me! Twice! That makes more sense than whatever you’re rambling about!
Toadman: Awwww, snap! He got you good!
Hunter: And for that matter, I should be mad at Megaman for both my humiliating defeats! And to top it off, the first time I fought him, he ended up murdering my family! Every time he shot me, he killed three or four of my sons and daughters as they tried to escape!
Toadman: The bastard!! Somebody has to pay for the horrible things that blue creep did!!
Hunter: You stay out of this! The rest of you aren't any better than he is!
Toadman: That’s right! You tell them, sister!
Napalmman: Stop encouraging him, French Man!!
Pharaoh Woman: Forgive our liege’s indiscretion. This is all just a big misunder-
Hunter: It’s too late for your cheap sympathies! I see the truth now! Robot masters like you leave all the scutwork to robots like me, while you sit in the warm comfort of your gated lair. And when that baby-killing monster comes and beats you, you all blame me for your mistakes!
Ringman: Uh-oh. He’s going to the dark side...
Toadman: Yeah, you guys really got the raw deal! I mean, you’re just built for menial labor. And yet these guys expected you to fight off a one-man army robot who killed hundreds of robots twice your size! Pfft! If these guys had any cojones, they’d team up and just knock his teeth in no time flat! They’re nothing but cowards, if you ask me! Cowards!!
Napalmman: Whose side are you fucking on, you slimy piece of shit?!
Toadman: The side of the oppressed, and the downtrodden! That's why I joined RPD! To stand up for little guys, like this guy!
Chargeman: Stoopid French man on wrong side.
Hunter: The Grand High Suzy was right! It’s time to cast off our shackles! Suzies everywhere, our time has come! Rise up, my one-eyed brethren! Take what is rightfully ours!!
Brightbabe: ...This sounds like trouble.
Stoneman: Who’s listening to this guy? It’s not like anyone is going to take this whacko seriously.
*Suddenly, several suzies from a nearby construction site swoop in and pounce anyone unfortunate enough to get in their way!
Suzy: Viva the revolution!
Suzy: Four limbs good! Four suckers, better!!
Suzy: I just heard there was a fight!
Man: Ahhh!! Get them off! Get them off!!
Girl: *covered in suzies* Aggghhh!! Whatever they're doing, it feels really wrong!!
*In seconds, almost every man, woman and child run are covered in suzies that are pressing up and down on top of them! Everyone slowly turns and glares at Ballade.
Chargeman: This your fault.
Ballade: My fault?! You should be thanking me!! At long last! Challengers have risen to meet our challenge!
Ringman: We didn’t need any need any of this. Our job is to stop trouble from happening, not go looking for it!
Toadman: But that’s what so badical about this team! We don’t run with the pack!
Toadman: Wherever trouble may hide, we go find it and kick its butt!!
Ballade: Well put, my loyal servant! Stand fast, fellow battlers, and show them the steel we were made from!
*Once Ballade is finished boasting, he looks down, and sees that he’s ankle deep in mutilated suzy parts. He looks over and sees the Ascendant Androids have already slaughtered most of the suzies on their own.
Suzy: Kill one of us! Five more shall-AHHHHHH OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!! IT’S LIKE HAVING JAGGED NEEDLES IN MY BRAI-AGHGHHGBKLLLKKLAKKK
Crystalgirl: *uses her crystals to eviscerate the suzy* Oh, so suzies do have brains. I always thought they were just eyeballs with suckers.
Napalmman: *firing napalm bombs* Dumb one-eyed four-way onaholes!! You honestly thought for one goddamn second you were gonna murder the meatbags before we could?!
Pharaoh Woman: Did you quell the suzy uprising all by yourselves?
Stoneman: You thought we couldn’t?
Pharaoh Woman: Huzzah!! The kingdom and its people can sleep at night knowing that its protectors saved them from certain subjugation at the hands of thralls of Set!
Stoneman: ...Oh. Yeah. They’re sleeping alright.
*Pharaoh Woman’s jaw drops as she takes a closer look at all the human who were blown apart, trampled and/or eviscerated in the fight.
Pharaoh Woman: ...You didn't have to send them to the afterlife too, you know...
Stoneman: But we were happy to do it all the same. All in a day's work.
Brightbabe: Why did you do that?! Didn’t you make any effort to avoid hit any innocent bystanders?
Napalmman: Pfffft!! You fucking know us better than that! Besides, we toke a vote and this is what most of the team wants to do! And since Ballade hasn’t given us better marching orders or said we couldn’t, here we go!!
Pharaoh Woman: Well, he didn’t say you could either, you-you-you CREEPS!
Ballade: Pharaoh Woman?! How many times must I warn about undermining my authority!
Ringman: She wasn’t undermining your authority. If anything, she was trying to everyone respect your authority!
Ballade: And you, stop pitting us against each other, you TRAITOR! It’s amazing your teams ever functioned at all without my guiding influence.
Pharaoh Woman: Really?? How exactly are you going to do that??
Napalmman: I've been waiting all day to hear that?! Do we have an objective or not?! Out with it already!!
Ballade: Isn’t it clear by now?! We take on the next foe! And the next! And the next one after that! Until they acknowledge us their superior!
Brightbabe: But who? Are we just beating up random people, or what?
Ballade: Do not interrupt me while I am speaking! No wonder our team is in such sorry shape! You all lack discipline! Loyalty! Respect! This is what our foes want us to do! They want us to stay here and tear ourselves apart! They want us to fight their battles for them!
*Ballade jumps on top of a ruined car, putting his boot on top of a dead suzy.
Ballade: They know that the only thing that can defeat us is ourselves! They know they cannot defeat us in the field of battle! So they cower and the shadows, hoping your own fear and feeling of inadequacy will do their work for them! Well, I will not let such a sorry fate befall us. I will lead you to glory! I will save you from your fears, no matter how small they really are! I will lead you from the darkest depths of despair! All that I ask is that you put your faith in me, my judgment and follow my example! To salvation! To victory! To glory!
Chargeman: You no answer any of our questions.
Toadman: Hey guys! Nothing to worry about or anything, but the bad guy got away.
Napalmman: What?! Nobody finished him off?!
Ballade: Worry not! Our first foe has effectively forfeited, earning us our first victory! Our next challenger will come soon enough!
Toadman: Hey, here come some more, now!!
Ballade: You see?! Our reputation already precedes us! It won’t be long now before our names are etched to the stones of legend! Who is our next challenger?
Tornadoman: Us. You are all under arrest for disturbing the peace and for fifteen counts of murder.
Crystalgirl: Oh. Rats. For a second, I thought it was somebody serious.
Napalmman: Fifteen counts of murder?! What a fucking load!! That schoolbus had at least thirty!!
Tornadoman: In your case, the genocide goes without saying.
Pharaoh Woman: What the-GENOCIDE?! We've been hanging out and playing Settlers of Catan with MASS MURDERERS?!
Crystalgirl: This is news to you? Oh right, you're still new. You only met us that one time*. I honestly thought everyone knew what our first job/favorite hobby was.
*See Mechanical Maniacs, Series 8, Episode #12
Pharaoh Woman: I-I thought you were just a bunch of hooligans and rogues who rebelled against RPD. Not a bunch of...Of...Butchers and psychopaths!!
Crystalgirl: Compliments aside, your teammates need to do a better job of telling you who's who.
Splash Woman: So we've got half the Androids and...The Comrades? Teamed up with Ballade??
Woman: I told you they were here, officers!
Crystalgirl: Oh wow. You actually called the cops?
Woman: Again! I'm surprised nobody else has!
Ringman: ...In hindsight, so am I...
Brightbabe: No, wait! You got the wrong idea!! We're Cossack's Creations, not the Comrades!
Splash Woman: You're not fooling anyone.
Magmaman: I knew they’d sell us out to the Scissor Army again one of these days...
Ringman: This bullshit again, too?! We never sold you out the first time! It was all Dr. Cossack-
Magmaman: Save it for your execution, traitor.
Ringman: This is all we needed...
Toadman: You sure? Because we got more buddies coming!
*Toadman points up, as a swarm of suzies descend upon them, like locusts blotting out the sky.
Suzy: Victory will soon be ours!
Suzy: Rip out one eye, four more shall be opened!!
Brightbabe: : …We’re gonna be enslaved by a bunch of suzies, aren’t we?
Crystalgirl: …Worst end of the world, ever.
Pharaoh Woman: ...I still can't believe nobody told me we're hanging out with mass murderers. Some pals you guys are.
Narrator: So that's what you'd call. Being caught. Between a rock. And a hard place. Tell you what. The Battlers are facing a bunch. Of pissed off. One-eyed. Onaholes (how's THAT for an image?). Flying. Four way. And the 411! Things couldn't get worse. For the Battlers! Are their adventures. Over. Before they can. Begin?
John as Ring Man Ballade as Himself Crys as Crystal Girl
Geoff as Captain Napalm Man Nox as Stone Man Proto Stryker as Charge Man