By Gauntlet (Shadowman)
One fine day Shadowman, Magnetman, and Hardman all return to Mechanical Maniacs Headquarters (an appropriated run down, small apartment) from an afternoon of doing errands ....
Shadowman: Alright, guys, we're - WOAH!
Topman: THE DOOR! I'VE FOUND IT!
(Smog gushes from the door and Spark, Needle, Snake, Top, and Geminiman stumble out of the room coughing and choking.)
Geminiman: *ack* Alright, alright. I've learned my lesson! No more smog in the apartment!
Shadowman: What in the flying fu -
(Sprinklers turn on throughout the building, drenching the team.)
Shadowman: Oh, fantastic!
Needlegal: GEMINIMAN, YOU LOSER! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
Needlegal: MY HAIR IS RUINED!
(The Mechs exit the building, drenched.)
Magnetman: What in tarnation is going on here!?
Topman: You got back just after we got these new rings. Someone just knocked on the door and there they were.
Magnetman: Oh yeah, that's not suspicious at all.
Shadowman: Suspicious or not, free is free. Where's my ring?
Topman: Uh ... there were only five rings.
Shadowman: I think these rings are too suspicious to carry on with.
Needlegal: Bite me!
Shadowman: You're in a mood.
Needlegal: ... It's probably the ring.
Geminiman: Well, test it. I guess it's your turn.
Shadowman: Test it?
Needlegal: (Pointing the ring at Shadowman) HATE!!!
Shadowman: HEY!!! What the fuck was that, asshole!
Needlegal: HAH! It works!!! (Needlegal points her ring at Topman) HATE!!!
Topman: OH YOU DIDN'T!
Shadowman: Shut up!
Topman: You shut up!
Needlegal: AH HAH HAH!! HATE!!! HATE!!! HATE!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!
(Within moments the team is fighting each other.)
Sparkman: I can't believe I'm stuck here with you guys and this second rate team!
Geminiman: Second rate!? Says the third rate Sparkman we're forced to deal with.
Snakeman: Says the heel turning traitor.
Geminiman: Screw you!
Snakeman: Oh no!! Are you "Evil Lennon" now? Again?
Hardman: JUST SHUT UP!
Magnetman: YOU SHUT UP! I am sick of this nonsense!
Needlegal: AH HAH HAH!!
(The team erupts into physical violence. With the Mechs all vulnerable to each other's weapons, they are all incapacitated within a short amount of time.)
(A short time later, the Mechs walk out of Doc Robot's hospital after a quick set of repairs.)
Needlegal: I said I was sorry, okay!? But my ring's the power of hate, so that's what you get.
Magnetman: How about pointing it at someone else next time and not people on your side?
Needlegal: Shut up.
Snakeman: My turn! DEFORESTATION!!!
Snakeman: Nothing happened.
Needlegal: That's because we're in an underground city with no trees around, moron.
Snakeman: (Points his ring at Needlegal) DEFORESTATION!!!
(Needlegal's hair is sheared off.)
Sparkman: AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!
Needlegal: YOU BASTARD!
Snakeman: You deserved it!
(Needlegal starts attacking Snakeman with the Needle Cannon.)
Needlegal: AND YOU DESERVE THIS!
Snakeman: YAHHH!! DEFORESTATION!!!
Needlegal: I'm already bald, you idiot!!
Sparkman: Ah hah hah. Okay, my turn. SUPER RADIATION!!!
(The Mechs all fall to the floor, deactivated.)
(A short time later, the Mechs walk out of Doc Robot's hospital after a quick set of repairs.)
Sparkman: How was I supposed to know it would do that!?
Shadowman: Because you're our mechanical specialist! You should know radiation has a horrible effect on machines. INCLUDING US!
Hardman: Even a child knows that, Spark.
Sparkman: Alright, now that's just unfair. I just need to learn to control this more. If I can get used to this it'd be devastating against almost EVERYONE!
Magnetman: These powers are stupid. Whoever heard of the "magic power" of "super radiation?"
Hardman: Or smog, hate, or deforestation?
Snakeman: HEY! I'm SURE I can find a practical use for this thing! Like ... what if we're stuck in a forest and we need to make a fire? This would be perfect then!
Topman: (Levels his ring at Snakeman) TOXICS!!
(A large amount of toxic waste gushes from Topman's ring and onto Snakeman.)
Snakeman: Oh! What!?
Geminiman: THE SMELL!
Topman: Oh, look at that. My power's not as useless as the magical power of deforestation.
Snakeman: BUT IT'S STILL PRETTY USELESS!
Topman: I dunno, I think the toxics actually made you take damage.
Hardman: And stink to high Heaven. Let's not forget that.
Magnetman: Throw the rings away.
Magnetman: I said throw those rings away. No good can come of this.
Sparkman: Whoa now, hold on there Mags. I mean sure, Deforestation's a cruddy power -
Snakeman: I'm sure it can be useful!
Sparkman: but, Super Radiation -
(The Mechs all fall to the floor, deactivated.)
(The Mechs return to their apartment and put their rings on top of a drawer.)
Sparkman: ... alright, let's just give the rings a rest for a bit and get something to eat. All these shutdowns have made me mighty hungry.
Geminiman: You have no right to complain.
Sparkman: I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know it'd turn on every time I said super radiation!?
(The team freezes for a moment.)
Shadowman: Alright, you don't get to say that word anymore.
Topman: Technically two words.
(The Mechs leave, arguing all the while. A short time later, a figure sneaks into their place as their dilapidated apartment has terrible security, and steals their newfound totally magical rings.)
(In another dilapidated part of the Wily Underground, the Sinister Six are sitting at an abandoned small restaurant table with the rings in front of them.)
Blademan: I told you they got new swag!
Oilman: Excellent work, Blademan.
(Bit, Oil, Shark, Wave, and Torchman take rings from the table top, leaving Blademan with none.)
Bitman: Finders keepers, Blade.
Blademan: But I'm the one who stole them from the Mechs! I don't even get one!?
Torchman: Blademan, this outburst is beneath you. In this world, the fast survive. This time you've fallen short, but there will always be a next time, my friend.
Blademan: Aw, go stuff it!
(Blademan sulks as the Six stand and get ready to test their new rings.)
Torchman: Sinister Six! Analyze these new rings and see what mysterious power lies within.
Torchman: (Points his ring at nothing in particular) DEFORESTATION!!!
Torchman: Nothing happened? What? What kind of person makes a magic ring of deforestation? How is that a power?
Oilman: Voice activated, eh? We should be careful with that.
Waveman: Aw, I got hate! Grr ... I HATE That I got a useless power like HATE!
(The other six look on as Waveman works himself up.)
Waveman: I never get a useful power. I HATE IT! GRRRAHHH! A magical ring of hate!? Who the fuck would think of making a ring that just makes you hate things!? I HATE THAT IDEA!
Blademan: Erm - !
Bitman: (Puts a hand on Blademan to stop him from going over to Wave) You do not wanna get in the middle o' dat. Trust me. I've been there.
Waveman: (with eyes going bloodshot and drool dribbling from the holes in his chest) I hate this. I - I never get anything USEFUL! A magic ring of hate!? HATE!? HAAAATE!? I HAAAATE! IT! HAAAATEE!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAA-
(Waveman falls to the ground, twitching and drooling. The rest of the Six carefully take off their rings.)
Torchman: Clearly the power invested within these rings bears a measure of care and respect.
Bitman: Alright, so apparently this one is ... "super radiation." Fantastic.
Sharkman: Dood! Try it out!
Bitman: What!? No way! Any two-bit Metool could tell you that radiation is terrible for electronics. Dis here ring would probably short me out if I tried to use it. Nuts to that.
Sharkman: Well, mine's killer! It's ... smog. Uh, what?
Oilman: It's basically what I can do as a smokescreen.
Sharkman: Oh, so, uh. I got a power Oilman already has? Oh. Great.
Oilman: And I have ... toxics. Great. My power is basically already toxic since it's oil and all. Fantastic. This ring does what I already do.
(Waveman continues to gargle and sputter on the floor.)
Torchman: You know, one must know when one has enough power. Sometimes additions are subtractions and an attempt at multiplication actually divides one's own self. Relying on an unnecessary weapon is a sign of weakness. In fact, the case can be made that gifted individuals relying on such things are only in a process of weakening themselves. Such was our folly. Blademan, you did not do well to bring us such things. Your heart was in the right place, but siphoning off the weakness of the Mechs is no path to glory or victory. To endure we must be ourselves.
Bitman: Yeah, screw these shitty rings!
(Shortly, Blademan returns to the Mechs' apartment and knocks on the door. )
Magnetman: (After opening the door) What're you - ?
Blademan: KEEP YOUR SHITTY ASS RINGS!
(Blademan throws the rings in Magnet's face and storms off.)
(Sparkman brings in a large machine covered in a lead lined box.)
Sparkman: Alright, here's my next try. An old power converter modified to charge from radiation with my ring installed in the core. In theory, it should grant us a ton of free energy once I activate the ring.
Needlegal: With the side effect of making us pass out?
Sparkman: Aha, it's lead lined, secured and safe! Our power woes are at an end, guys!
Magnetman: Uh huh. I'll believe it when I see it.
Sparkman: And see it you shall. SUPER RADIATION!!!
Geminiman: Did it work?
Sparkman: Come on ... SUPER RADIATION!!!SUPER RADIATION!!!SUPER RADIATION!!!
Shadowman: Uh -
Sparkman: SUPER RADIATION!!!
Shadowman: I think you need to wear the ring in order to get it to work.
Sparkman: ALRIGHT! I've connected the converter to my own brainwaves now. It is, in a very real way, a part of me and, therefore, I am now technically wearing the ring.
(Hardman hits the box and makes a dent in it.)
Hardman: Sorry. Just testing.
Snakeman: Seems like it may work ..
Sparkman: And now ... SUPER RADIATION!!!
Topman: It's working!
Geminiman: Hm, power levels are rising.
Geminiman: Power levels are rising ... at an alarming rate.
Sparkman: Uh ...
Hardman: Aw crud.
Topman: I think the casing's starting to melt -
(The Mechs all collapse.)
(Soon after Doc Robot fixes up the team (again), the Mechanical Maniacs are sent out to gather further supplies of Energen. However they are once more confronted by the World's Strongest as they make their escape.)
(Plantman's Plant Barrier and the petals on his helmet are sheared away.)
Plantman: MY PETALS!
Snakeman: Finally! I knew this would come in handy!
Plantman: (Tries to shoot out a Plant Barrier, but his weapon has been disabled.) NO! No, without my petals ... what am I!?
Sparkman: (As he fires shots at whoever is closest) It feels so wrong to have to rely on Evil Energy. I mean, it can't be good.
Magnetman: Yeah, well, super radiation didn't work out, did it?
Sparkman: Damn it, it still might!
Centaurman: I don't know what you're talking about, but you won't get away this time, Mechs!
(Centaurman seems to teleport behind the Mechs and follows up with buster blasts at the team.)
Windman: Do the honourable thing and give up! I know you're not truly evil ... despite how far you've fallen.
(Windman and Shadowman trade blows.)
Shadowman: You people are being used by that greasy sleazeball Crorq! Can't you see how he's manipulated his position? And the Galactic Council is run mostly by invading aliens!
Windman: Crorq and the Council are in charge and that is all that matters. Get in line, beg forgiveness and I will put in a good word for you.
Knightman: (As he fires his mace at Hardman) Enough talk, Windman! These are fallen heroes. The most they can hope for is to die with honour!
Hardman: (As he catches the mace) Some of us have died more than once, knighty knight. It ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Flameman: (Peppering Needlegal with bursts of flame) You were once fine warriors. Cease this madness!
Needlegal: I know how to bring you down. (Needle levels her ring at Flameman) The power of HATE!!!
Flameman: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME, YOU INFIDEL!?
(Flameman's attacks become more aggressive and harder to counter.
Needlegal: FUCKING RING!!!
SWAT bot: YOU ARE SURROUNDED, MECHS! Surrender!
(The Mechanical Maniacs looks around and see themselves surrounded by SWAT bots and K9 units.)
Blizzardman: Give it up, hosers, and I'll sneak in a pint or two while you're in the slammer.
Tomahawkman: Hmph. Don't bother trying to reason with these fools.
Yamatoman: Ninja scum.
Shadowman: Oh, spare me! You're just a robot with a theme like I am, don't get hung up on prejudices.
Yamatoman: I am more than a "robot with a theme"! I am the Japanese spirit! And I will bring you in!
SWAT bot: I repeat: surrender!
Needlegal: It looks like we're in trouble.
Sparkman: Then let our polluting powers combine! (concentrates on a single spot on the ground) SUPER RADIATION!
Captain Pollution: By your polluting powers combined, I am Captain Pollution!
Sparkman, Snakeman, Geminiman, Topman, Needlegal: GO POLLUTION!
Plantman: This is offensive!
Magnetman: Oh HELL no! This is one of those kinds of adventures, isn't it? I might have known.
Captain Pollution: Oh, the fuzz, eh? I know how to deal with cops. You just gotta get 'em a little dirty. And what better way to do that than using some toxic waste?
(Captain Pollution turns into toxic waste and smothers the RPD and K9 units in foul smelling sludge.)
SWAT bot: GYAA!
Windman: That smell!
(Windman uses his wind to drive the smell off.)
Captain Pollution: Oh, a wind guy, eh? I've got something you'll be a big fan of.
(Captain Pollution covers the World's Strongest in heavy smog so thick that even Windman can't blow it all away.)
Windman: So unfair...
Blizzardman: H-how are we supposed to fight this?
Captain Pollution: There's no fighting pollution, suckers!
(Captain Pollution blasts the cops with a burst of radiation, doubling the robots over on the ground.)
Captain Pollution: Welp, that takes care of the narcs.
Needlegal: Great! Now back to the rings you go.
Captain Pollution: Yeeeaaaaahhhh ... about that ... how about I not?
Captain Pollution: Say, got a place I can crash, babe?
(Outside the Mechss apartment, on the empty first floor...)
Sparkman: The Geiger counter is through the roof. Our apartment is officially uninhabitable.
Topman: Great. Just great. I finally get my gaming systems set up the way I like 'em and the place is unlivable.
Needlegal: On the bright side, our useless new powers were snuffed out when we summoned Captain Jackass, so we don't have to worry about them accidentally activating.
Topman: Yeah, but now we have a super powerful, immature jerk crashing in our place!
Geminiman: Anyone manage to get a hold of Magnet, Shadow, or Hard?
Snakeman: Yeah, they said this was our mess to clean up. Figuratively and literally.
Needlegal: Any word on what he's up to?
Geminiman: He's having my copies give him a toxic waste backrub and a sewer sludge footrub.
Geminiman: I just ... uh oh!
(Captain Pollution melts through the roof.)
Captain Pollution: Compadres! There you are!
Needlegal: OUR ROOF!
Captain Pollution: Well, don't you know it's rude to leave a houseguest unattended?
(Captain Pollution puts an arm around Needlegal.)
Captain Pollution: What say you to a romantic dinner for two? We can take a trip to Chernobyl and bask in the radioactive glow of a nuclear sundown! We can swim in the toxic lake and eat the cancer ridden animals. Sounds great, doesn't it?
(Spikes erupt from Needlegal's armour.)
Captain Pollution: YIKES!
Needlegal: I don't think so, Cap!
Captain Pollution: OUCH! My heart bleeds, heh heh heh. Well, alright! I know a fun game we can watch. It's called ... watch the monkey dance.
(Captain Pollution shoots rays of energy at the floor at Topman's feet making the robot jump.)
Topman: (Dancing around to avoid the blasts) Hey, what!?
Captain Pollution: AH HAH HAH HAH! Hey, you know what this place needs?
Geminiman: One less occupant.
Captain Pollution: Heh, irony. Cute. No, it needs a pool! We can have a nice one right here at the entrance.
Geminiman: Now wait just a second!
(Captain Pollution ignores Geminiman's protests as he uses his powers to carve out a hole in the floor and another set of power to fill it with water.)
Captain Pollution: How about a nice swim in acid rainwater? AH hah hah hah hah!
(The floor groans.)
Needlegal: Everybody out!
(The Mechs barely get out in time before the entire floor crashes into the first basement.)
Topman: Aw, we really are gonna have to move again, aren't we!?
(Captain Pollution flies out.)
Captain Pollution: Whoopsie. I guess I added a bit too much acid. My bad, dudes!
Needlegal: Okay, so you don't want to go back to the rings. I get that. Then how about you take the fight to Trio and the Galactic Council?
Geminiman: Of course! You could dismantle them!
Captain Pollution: Trio?
Topman: He and the Galactic Council rule the world from a literal Ivory Tower. You can't miss it.
Captain Pollution: Hm. Maybe later.
Needlegal: "Later"!? You're our genie! Why aren't you helping us!?
Captain Pollution: Haw haw! That hippie Captain Planet goes around helping people, but pollution doesn't help anyone, babe.
Needlegal: Again with the "babe" crap.
Captain Pollution: Now, if you'll excuse me (or even if you won't) ...
(Captain Pollution flies off.)
Geminiman: Get back here!
(Captain Pollution finds the Sinister Six lounging at an old skate park. Blademan and Sharkman are doing tricks on old skateboards as the others hang out.)
Captain Pollution: (Landing before the group) Hey, guys. I don't know what it is about you, but you look like a cool group of robots.
Torchman: You have keen eyes, friend!
Captain Pollution: Name's Pollution. Captain Pollution.
Oilman: Oh? I think we may have briefly come into possession of your rings.
Captain Pollution: Yeah, who cares? But you ... what're your powers?
Bitman: Dat dere's Oilman. He shoots out oil, creates smoke screens from exhaust fumes and can make a robot's joints real slippery with his specialized oil.
Oilman: I can also refine crude.
Captain Pollution: HAW! See, this guy gets it! High five, my man!
(Captain Pollution gives a somewhat off-put Oilman a high five.)
Torchman: Yes, Oilman is quite mighty, as are we -
Captain Pollution: Are you lighting up?
Sharkman: You know it! Who wants to come down to Earth when you can fly high as a kite, amirite?
Captain Pollution: I hear ya, I hear ya. But weed's for hippies like those Planet Punks. You need a real drug.
(Captain Pollution materializes a needle in front of Sharkman's eyes.)
Sharkman: Is that ... ?
Captain Pollution: HARDCORE HEROIN! It pollutes your body and makes you feel soooooooo good.
Sharkman: Dood, no way! No needles, no sir. That's where this man drawn the line. This ... shark ... man! lol!
Captain Pollution: Baby!
(Captain Pollution jabs the needle into his own arm and injects the drug right in front of the Six who grow somewhat more concerned.)
Captain Pollution: HOOOO YEAH! Uhhhh! My arteries are on fire! YEAH!
Sharkman: lol, wut? I need to smoke up a lot more to process this shit.
Captain Pollution: Hey, is that a halfpipe?
Blademan: You know it! You skate!?
Captain Pollution: Like a pro!
(Captain Pollution grabs Blademan's board and proceeds to "skate" by using his powers of flight to really obviously cheat at the effort.)
Blademan: Uh ... I'm not sure flying around with the board stuck to your feet counts!
Captain Pollution: Oh no? Then how's this trick?
(With a wave of his hand, Pollution uses focused radiation to melt the halfpipe into slag.)
Blademan: OUR HALFPIPE!
Captain Pollution: AH HAW HAW HAW!
Torchman: Friend, you mock Blademan at your peril! He's not on his own.
Captain Pollution: Lighten up, man. It's just a joke.
Torchman: A joke!? Some sort of jape!? You do not know with whom your are dealing!
Waveman: (Steps forward and confronts Pollution.)
Waveman: Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. By destroying our property you have crossed a line.
Captain Pollution: A line, eh? Well, why not cross a few more!?
(Pollution blasts the group with toxic waste.)
Oilman: Oh, what!?
Waveman: AHHH!! It's getting inside my seams!
Captain Pollution: AH HAH HAH HAH!
(Pollution flies off.)
Torchman: HEY! Get back here, you coward! FACE THE FURY OF THE SINISTER SIX!!!
(Captain Pollution runs afoul of the Wily Underground as he flies around and just gets in everyone's way.)
Piano: IT TOOK ME HOURS TO PAINT THAT MURAL!
Captain Pollution: What, I thought my toxic sludge added an interesting mix of colour and smell, babe.
Piano: You don't know a thing about art!!
Captain Pollution: Ah, I love the smell of Napalm in the morning. The smell of scorched Earth and burnt animals. The smoke rising in the air, leading to the creation of acid rain!
(Captain Pollution spews toxic smoke from his mouth.)
Napalmman: *ACK* What the hell!?
Gravityman: Who *hack* are you, even!?
Captain Pollution: Ah, a hippie robot? How sickening!
Captain Pollution: How about a little DEFORESTATION!?
(Woodman is immediately dismembered.)
Captain Pollution: The only good tree is a tree sitting in my fireplace!
(Captain Pollution lights Woodman on fire.)
Heatman: FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I SEE FIRE AS A BAD THING!
Captain Pollution: AHH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!
Barrageman: Unit Barrageman will end your -
(Captain Pollution blasts Barrage away with a pulse of radiation.)
Captain Pollution: Heh heh heh. This place is righteous! All these robots here are so weak and insipid ... I'll rule here like a god! A high polluting, Greek style god! With babes! And booze! And drugs! And rock n' roll. Rockin' all day and night while these peasants serve my every whim! YEAH!
Player 2: You think they have any of that here? You're in for disappointment. Just like my entire freakin' life.
Captain Pollution: And who exactly are you? Superman?
Player 2: No, I'm not Superman! If I were Superman I'd have better things to do than slum it up with a second rate Captain Planet.
Captain Pollution: What!?
Player 2: Yeah, bring it on, jerk. I don't know why I try. Maybe punching you a little with bring some satisfaction in my life...
Geminiman: You brought Player 2 to help with Captain Pollution?
Quint: Yes, I thought it appropriate. They come from similar points in time and Player 2 is powered by solar energy, so he will be able to bring pollution down to -
(A building is destroyed by the battle overhead. The Mechs glare at Quint.)
Quint: Well, he will eventually.
Topman: Well, Quint, I've gotta say, you sure saved the day.
Quint: Yes I did, now give me those silly rings.
(Quint retrieves the rings form the Mechs and puts them into a large lead box.)
Quint: You folks should be ashamed of yourselves. How many times have we gone in time and fixed things up because someone else decided it would be fun to go back and rewrite history?
Sparkman: But we didn't -
Quint: Do you think the rules of time don't apply to you? Do you think time won't break if you do this kind of thing? Just because you're "the Mechanical Maniacs?"
Sparkman: No, but what's that have to d- !
Quint: The rules of time apply to everyone! I thought that after all this time you knew that.
Captain Pollution: (From far away) The polluting power is yoooooouuuurrrrsssss~
(Pollution explodes into light that goes back into the rings.)
Quint: And we. Are. Done.
Player 2: Finally!
Needlegal: Thanks, Player 2.
Player 2: Thanks. Oh, good. Now I can buy myself a hot meal. Oh, wait, no. Thanks doesn't buy you anything.
(Needlegal awkwardly opens her wallet and hands Player 2 a wad of bills.)
Player 2: *sigh* It'll have to do.
Quint: Well then. No permanent harm done, I think. So I suppose everything turned out alright.
Snakeman: Yeah, I guess.
Quint: This time. And I hope you've learned something form this debacle of yours.
Needlegal: Well ...
(Needlegal gives a quick glance towards Quint.)
Needlegal: We learned -
Quint: (Glares at Needlegal.)
Needlegal: We learned, um ... not to accept mysterious rings .. at ... face ... value?
Needlegal: We learned ...
Quint: You learned not to mess with time, or at least that's the lesson you should have learned!
Snakeman: But we didn't - !
Quint: No. No, I am not dealing with this bollocks after saving your ass. Don't mess with time! If you find any time-lost artifacts in the future you will simply hold on to them until I return to retrieve them. Is that clear?
Snakeman, Sparkman, Needlegal, Geminiman, Topman: Yes, Quint.
Quint: Well, until you people do something silly like erase yourselves from time, I guess you're still ... The Mechanical Maniacs!
Topman: Dude, you stole all our lines.
Quint: After this mishap none of you deserve those lines. None of you.
|Leon as .....||
|Raijin as .....||
|Psycho Magnet as .....||
|Ben as .....||
|Nightmare as .....||
|Lennon as .....||
|Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....||
|Gauntlet as .....||