Originally By Zymeth (Skull Man)
Re-imagined by Geoff (Diveman) and Gauntlet (Shadowman)
(The Mechanical Maniacs are leading the Comrades through the depths of the holding cells of RPD HQ.)
Snakeman: Thanks for coming all the way out here from Russia so quickly.
Toadgirl: It’s the least we could do. Anything for one of our community members.
Brightbabe: It’s what makes such a tight-knit family, we always stick together, even if we’re not on the same team!
Needlegal: Well, I’m glad you could help us out with this, even if you’re not officially RPD. We got our hands full as it is. And considering who’s involved, it seemed like a job for you.
Hardman: Yeah, I may not know these guys that well. But I got a hard time believing they did what Crorq said they did. They seem mostly harmless.
Magnetman: Mostly anyway…I don’t trust one of them…
Diveman: Well, we’re glad to help!
Topman: Hang on a second. You guys sure you have everyone with you?
Dustman: I thought so-Wait a minute. Where's Drill??
(The group looks around them for any sign of Drillman. Meanwhile, down another corridor in the prison, Drillman is speaking to a different prisoner who almost seemed to be expecting him.)
Hannibal: ...You're one of Mikhail Cossack's aren't you...?
Drillman: Yes. Why do you ask?
Hannibal: (smiles) Dr. Cossack would send one of his own Comrades to me...?
Drillman: I don't think we're here for-
Hannibal: Sit please.
Drillman: Uh, okay...
(Drillman takes a seat in front of Hannibal's cell as the prisoner looks down upon him, still smiling. Drillman looks behind him and sees an intricate painting of Dr. Cossack's Citadel.)
Drillman: Did you paint that? All that detail? From memory?
Hannibal: Memory, my dear Drillman, is what I have instead of a view. Now tell me. What did Crane say to you. Dr. Jonathan Crane from down the hall? He snickered at you. What possibly for?
Drillman: ...He said he could smell my lover's perfume.
Hannibal: ...I see. (sniffsniff) She uses Eau d'Fateburn...But it's not from today...Rather rude of him to mock you over your break up.
Drillman: How did you know she and I were split up?
Hannibal: It's a timeless story told from year to the next. Your desire to be a musician, the gruelling years spent working for your father. It's all a rich tapestry, my dear Drillman. A rich, flowing tapestry that continues to be woven.
Drillman: ...You all figured all that out from one whiff of my girlfriend's perfume? You know your stuff, alright.
(By now, the rest of the group has caught up with Drill, shooting him annoyed or concerned looks.)
Brightbabe: Drill, what are you talking to that creepy guy for?
Pharaohman: Why are you letting him ask you questions that are way too personal?
Drillman: He knows things about me! Things no one else does!!
Diveman: (eyes the Citadel painting) Yeah, stalkers tend to do that.
Drillman: No, things even I haven't told you!! If he knows this many secrets about me, who knows what else he might know?
Skullman: If I had to hazard a guess, and this is based personal experience, how many bodies he could fit in a windowless van.
Hannibal: The answer might surprise you. The secret is in how you stack them, and ceiling nets.
Skullman: Ceiling nets? Hm. Haven't considered those.
Hardman: C'mon, guys. Don't feed or tease the animals.
Hannibal: Oh, come now. He hasn't fed me. Yet.
Shadowman: All the more reason. Let's go.
(Diveman and Hardman drag Drillman away from Hannibal's cell, back down the corridor they were originally heading down.
Drillman: No, wait! There are things I must know! Questions that must be answered!
Needlegal: He's not going anywhere. You can let him climb as deep into your head as you want when you're done. Until then, focus.
(Eventually, the Mechs lead the Comrades to a cell.)
Sparkchan: Alright, here they are. If you can find anything that can clear this up, let us know. But please hurry, okay?
Ringman: Will do! Go ahead and take a break or whatever. We got this!
(The Mechanical Maniacs stand to one side, watching as the Comrades address the bots in the cell in front of them.)
Starman: Thanks for coming by, guys. You’re the only guys we can trust with this.
Toadgirl: (whispering) …Do we know these guys from somewhere…?
Chargeman: Do you know us?? Most of you came to our Halloween party a couple years ago!*
*Ascendant Androids, Special Epilogue 2, Halloween Party 2005.
Gravityman: And you threw a plastic spear at my head!
Toadgirl: Oh, that was you? Sorry, I couldn’t recognize you without a plastic spear stuck to your head.
Skullman: Hm. That takes me back, actually. I was quite pleased with my Time costume.
Gyroman: I thought Zaneroth was dressed as Time.
Skullman: (glares) You remember incorrectly.
Ringman: It’s okay. I get my Z-ths mixed up sometimes, too. Or so Zymeth keeps telling me.
Crystalgirl: Well, now that we’ve been properly reintroduced, I’d like to get to our problem.
Drillman: Go on. We’re listening.
Starman: We just had a tangle with Darkman and the Sentinels. The worst we ever had.
Dustman: I thought you guys had the Sentinels licked. What were they doing back?
Starman: Darkman, Wily or somone must have rebuilt them. But that's the least of our concerns right now.
Crystalgirl: Yeah, this time, they were all over us. They were far more powerful than what we’re used to. Darkman has gone back to his old illusions. But this time, they were way more intricate than they normally were. And to top it all off, they had help.
Diveman: From who?
Skullman: What was Wraithman doing with one of your enemies??
Crystalgirl: Wish we knew exactly. But between Wraithman’s control over darkness, and Darkman’s mastery over illusions, our eyes couldn’t make sense out of what was happening around us. Just as we thought we got the upper hand on them, it turns out we were fighting RPD cops.
Pharaohman: How did that happen?!
Waveman: We don’t know exactly. One minute, we were fighting the Sentinels, then it got dark, we got thrashed around a lot, and just when we could finally see again, we took a shot at the Sentinels…
Gyroman: No, YOU took a shot at the Sentinels. We told you it may’ve been an illusion. And guess what?? It was. Those weren’t Sentinels you deluged and harpooned. Those were RPD officers. Human RPD officers.
Brightbabe: Oooh, that was a bad mistake to make.
Chargeman: And it doesn't help that Waveman apparently had an extremely sordid past that we didn't know about until RPD dug it up. Now they think we were harboring a fugitive, in addition to being cop killers.
Gravityman: Seriously, Kevvy-kun. How could you do those things?? They were your parents!
Waveman: (shrugs) They had it coming. And hey, you guys came to me. It's not my fault you didn't look into my background more thoroughly. I thought you knew my past.
Toadgirl: To be fair, having a bad boy on your team never really had any consequences for us. (smiles at Skullman)
Starman: Well, with all the tension between humans and robots recently, it does now. But now you understand why we’re here.
Crystalgirl: And in case you haven’t noticed, our Napalmman is missing. He was with us before the lights went out. But when they came back on, he was gone.
Ringman: So you want us to prove you were set up. Haul in Darkman and the Sentinels, clear your name, and find your pal. Sure. We could do that in an afternoon.
Skullman: But what about Wraithman? What happened to him?
(Suddenly, Wraithman appears in a cell behind the Comrades, his face up against the glass.)
Wraithman: Why didn’t you ask sooner?
Wraithman: It’s quite rude to talk about me like I’m not in the room, you know. A simple, ‘hello’ would’ve sufficed. Believe me, I would extend the courtesy to you when I get around to having you for dinner.
Gravityman: Shut up!! We’re not going to be nice to the creep who got us thrown in here and kidnapped Matt!
Wraithman: Perhaps you would be nicer to me if I called you a sweet, cute little boy.
Wraithman: Oh, poor Johnny. Despite the walls between us, I do feel for you. I really do. A boy as sweet and loving as you should’ve been held by his parents more often. But no one ever accused your mother and father of being real parents, now did they? You knew they only had so much love to spare…
Gravityman: Shut up!!
Wraithman: I can understand why you thought dressing like a cat would get your parents’ attention. They certainly seemed to love the family cat more than they loved you. But sadly, it only disgusted them further, and only served to confuse your struggling identity. You’re so desperate to be loved, you’ll be anything you need to be, even if you no longer know. Who you really are.
Gravityman: Of course I want to be loved! Who doesn’t?! Why else would I let that crazy lady (points to Crystal) turn me into a mechanical, human, not-even-remotely-feline monster?!
(Gravityman grabs Crystalgirl’s arm, sobbing.)
Gravityman: Do you love me now?? DO YOU LOVE ME NOW??
(Gravityman falls to his knees, clutching Crystalgirl tightly, sobbing uncontrollably. Crystalgirl looks around awkwardly as she pats his back.)
Wraithman: …Thank you.
Gyroman: So yeah. Now you have an idea what we’ve been dealing with.
Diveman: Great. So where do we start? You obviously don’t know where Napalmman went. And you didn’t see where the Sentinels went, either. They could be anywhere by now.
Wraithman: Four robots on their own? With no means of teleportation or rapid exodus? I should hardly think they’re much farther past the limits of Nonsteropolis. After all, they're expecting company...
Wraithman: Your Sentinel friends and I were not acting alone. We have a benefactor of sorts. Parts to play in his upcoming show, and this was merely…an audition of sorts. Alas, I fear I will not make the cut given my current circumstances. But the Sentinels…May yet be of interest of him. If you hurry, you may still yet catch them.
Drillman: That’s still a lot of ground to cover. They could be long gone before we find their hideout, assuming we find it at all.
Wraithman: But there aren’t many places where you could conduct business away from prying eyes. Performance? Upcoming show? How long must I talk before you listen?
Brightbabe: Wait a minute. Jerry Springman’s old studio was in Nonsteropolis!! I bet nobody’s been in there since his show was…cancelled!
Wraithman: Leave it to the sweetheart with the lightbulb on her head to come up with the bright idea. Your quarries have at least a forty-five minute head start on you, my friends. I suggest you fly. Fly, fly fly…
Drillman: Well, now we know where to look for these guys. We better go now if we want to catch them.
(Drillman turns to leave, but Dive grabs his shoulder.)
Diveman: Hold on a second!! We’re not actually listening to this bozo, are we?
Toadgirl: But we don’t have any better leads.
Diveman: Didn’t you see what he did with Gravityman? He was messing with him hard! I mean, look at him go!
Wraithman: Oh Tommy! What happened to your big city dreams, Tommy?
(Gyroman is sobbing uncontrollably, pounding the wall.)
Gyroman: Shut up! Shut up!! SHUT UP!!!
Diveman: Can we really trust anything this guy says?
(Wraithman’s eyes glow as he turns to face Diveman.)
Wraithman: If you share something personal with me, then I am perfectly willing to share something personal to you. We all share and share alike. That’s what separates us from the animals.
Waveman: We could pull the truth out of you, one part at a time!!
Wraithman: …Rather big talk for a madman who’s on the other side of the wall. You could try. If you ever found your way out of that cell. But, I’m afraid your capacity for inflicting pain is far more restrained and less creative than mine.
Drillman: I don't like it either, Dive. But it's the only lead we got. With any luck, they'll be all there, and we'll have this sorted out in no time.
Skullman: We should probably go now. If we teleport there now, we can still catch them as they arrive.
(The Comrades all rush out. Diveman shoots a suspicious glance at Wraithman, who simply stands in the middle of his cell, his arms folded behind his back, watching as they leave. Later, at Jerry Springman’s abandoned studio, the Comrades are teaming up against the gathered Sentinels.)
Sentinel 2: (gets gunned down by dust crushers) C-Curse you!!
Sentinel 3: (gets hit with a ring boomerang) …How could he betray us…??
(Sentinel 3 uses his freeze ray to immobilize Pharaohman. But Ringman uses his ring boomerangs to pull his helpless comrade to safety, just before Sentinel 3 could turn his cannon against him!)
Ringman: You just got hood-RINGED!!
Skullman: (protects Pharaoh with a skull barrier) We told you that’s not going to catch on.
Ringman: …Ha-RINGED? Ringed out? Ringed your bell? I gotta have SOMETHING to close out on!
Skullman: No, you don’t.
(Pharaohman charges up a pharaoh shot from the inside the skull barrier. Once it’s fully charged, Skullman drops the barrier, and Pharaoh flings it at Sentinel 3, sending him flying into Sentinel 1, who’s getting ganged up on by Drillman, Toadgirl and Diveman).
Sentinel 1: We shouldn’t be losing this badly to robots of this caliber!
Toadgirl: We got the drop on you, fair and square!
Sentinel 2: W-We will not go out that easily!
(Sentinel 2 rushes towards Dustman with his energy barriers blazing. But Brightbabe uses her flash stopper to disorient him, sending him crashing into one of the guest chairs. As soon as he touches down, springs burst out of the chair and bind him!)
Sentinel 2: What is this??
Diveman: Oh wow. Those chairs are still booby trapped?
Ringman: Nice!! Alright, everyone!! Stand back! I just had a brainwave!! Or should I say, this RINGS a bell!
Skullman: Please stop doing that.
(Ringman ensnares Sentinel 3 with a ring boomerang, hauling him towards him. Ringman leaps over him, leaps off his back and lands in an audience bleacher. As soon as he lands, springs pop out, and it starts bouncing around on its own accord!)
Ringman: Hahaha!! This time Spring Ring shall RING SUPREME!!
Skullman: ...He must be doing this to annoy me.
(The chair bounces around out of control, before it bounces out of the studio. It does nothing to help.)
Ringman: I thought it would work this timmmmmeee…. (bounces away.)
Skullman: …Remind me to up the dosage on his medication.
Toadgirl: What medication?
Dustman: Honestly, I thought he was going to do this.
(Dustman switches his vacuum on, and uses it to push Sentinel 3 towards the other chairs. Sentinel 3 tries to resist, but a barrage of cannon fire from Brightbabe and Skullman push him into one of the chairs, where he is trapped by a bunch of annoyingly durable springs.)
Sentinel 3: …How embarrassing…
Sentinel 1: I’d like to see you force a robot with tank treads to sit down in one of th-AGGGHHH!!!
(Diveman simply throws a chair at Sentinel 1, causing springs to pop out and wrap around his torso.)
Diveman: Works for me.
(The remaining Comrades all regroup as the Sentinels struggle in their spring-rigged chairs.)
Drillman: Well, I guess that takes care of that. Let’s go round up Napalmman, drop these clowns off, and we’ll call it a day.
Sentinel 2: And what makes you think your Napalmman is here?
(The Comrades all whirl around to face the Sentinels, their eyes, glowing softly.)
Toadgirl: But-But Wraith said Napalm-
Sentinel 1: We didn’t take Napalmman. Nor was that part of the original plan. It was a spur of the moment decision.
Sentinel 3: And no, we don’t know where he would’ve been taken, either.
Diveman: Oh no!!
Brightbabe: It’s okay. Once we take these creeps back to RPD, they’ll make them tell what really happened during that fight.
Sentinel 2: All three of us saw Waveman kill them in cold blood. Plain and simple.
Sentinel 3: Indeed. The officers made their presence known, asked him to stand down, and then they got slaughtered.
Dustman: But Darkman’s illusions and Wraithman’s darkness were disorienting him! Obviously, he wouldn’t do that on purpose!
Pharaohman: I should say so. The Androids are by and large harmless. Who would believe they’d go on a murdering spree?
Sentinel 1: Shows how little you know your friends.
Toadgirl: You’re lying!
Drillman: Hold on, I don't understand. Wraithman sold you out, and Darkman doesn't seem to care what happens to you. Do you really want to go down for someone who's already written you off??
Sentinel 2: Not if it means helping you or the Androids. Seeing them go down is the only good thing to come out of this. It was the whole purpose of our attack. We'd never let that go to waste.
Skullman: Have it your way. If that's the game you want to play with us, you think very carefully what your next move might be.
(Skullman lowers his scythe over Sentinel 3’s neck. But the robot doesn’t budge.)
Sentinel 3: If it will help you blow off steam, have your fun. But you can’t make any of us tell you more than what we know.
(Skullman narrows his eyes as he raises his scythe over Sentinel 3’s head. But after a few seconds, puts it away, grumbling.)
Skullman: Hmph. What’s the point?
Drillman: Well, at least we got these guys. So we’re not going back entirely emptyhanded. Let’s just go.
(The Comrades all return to RPD with the Sentinels in tow. As the Sentinels are sent to their respective cells, the Comrades all return to the Androids.)
Gravityman: You couldn’t find Matty-Kun?
Brightbabe: Sorry. We tried. We really did.
Toadgirl: If it helps, we can’t find our Ringman!
Chargeman: That fills us with even less confidence.
Toadgirl: …I’m sorry. I thought it would make you feel better...
Diveman: Is there anything else you remember that might help? Anything at all?
Crystalgirl: We already told you everything we know. If he wasn’t where Wraithman said he’d be, he could be anywhere.
Wraithman: If you don’t mind me interjecting, I never told you where he was.
Starman: Why not?!
Wraithman: I’m sorry. But am I supposed to tell you everything over the tears of a weepy Cat Boy? You all still have plenty of secrets you keep to yourselves, even from each other. Seems only fair I should keep a few, myself. Yes?
Gyroman: This isn’t the least bit helpful!!
Wraithman: I beg to differ. The Sentinels were where I told you, weren’t they? If Darkman wasn't there, he must’ve gone to his next engagement.
Diveman: His next engagement? You didn’t say anything about that!!
Wraithman: Again. Secrets I’d like to keep to myself…Unless, someone is willing to share?
Diveman: Fat chance.
Dustman: Hold on a second. What exactly do you want to know?
Diveman: Are you out of your mind?? We shouldn’t be letting this guy in our heads! For all we know this is just some sort of sick joke or trick.
Dustman: Again, if we don't play his game, the trail goes cold, here and now.
Diveman: No, it doesn't! Just let RPD do their jobs and handle this guy! They got interrogators for this sort of thing! We don’t need to tell him anything!
Wraithman: An RPD officer tried to question me once. I peeled him open and ate him like a hershey bar.
Skullman: Yes. That seems like the sort of individual who’d spill his guts to the RPD.
Waveman: Alright, fine! You want someone to spill their guts? It might as well be me. You want some dark secrets to drool over? I could give you chapter and verse on the parents I killed or my crime against humanity-
Wraithman: Shushshushshush. Not that I don’t appreciate the enthusiasm or where these confessions are going. But I’m afraid your team has already had a turn letting skeletons out of their closet. It’s only fair that someone on the other team comes forward with something close to their hearts.
Diveman: No way.
Wraithman: It wouldn’t be fair to let your friends keep getting paraded around in the spotlight. They shared something with you. It’s time you shared something with them.
Diveman: More like you pried into their past and kept digging and digging until they broke down.
Wraithman: If there’s anyone who knows anything about digging, it would be our friend, Jade.
Brightbabe: I thought Drill would be the one who knew about digging.
Diveman: Oh no…
Wraithman: Jade, the legendary Red Mage who laid his hands on the Blue Materia. The nectar of the gods in your world, correct?
Pharaohman: …Something like that…
Diveman: No. Really. We’re done.
Wraithman: A lesser man would’ve pursued such power in order to remake the world in his own image. But no one ever accused you of being a lesser man, did they Jade? You had a very specific goal in mind for that Blue Materia. Something the whole world told you was impossible.
Wraithman: What was the impossible you wanted to do with that Materia, dear Jade? Travel back in time and stop that poor flower girl from being stabbed in the chest? Return that petrified mangy wolf to life? Or make that poor, vampire/Frankenstein/monster man a real human again? So many injustices to rage against. Where does a man like you begin?
Diveman: Don’t answer that, Pharaoh. For the love of God, don’t answer-
Pharaohman: What was I supposed to do?! It was the only thing that could beat the Ruby and Emerald Weapons! All the other red mages in the world had beaten them! Except for me! EXCEPT FOR ME!!
(Wraithman cocks an eyebrow as Pharaohman drops to his knees sobbing.)
Pharaohman: They were willing to spend their whole lives doing that stupid chocobo racing sidequest so they could get the Knights of the Round materia! But it’s so freaking lame! And it involves chocobo inbreeding! Did you hear me?! INBREEDING!! I thought if I could get the Blue Materia, I could prove to them that they could beat the most powerful monsters in the world WITHOUT wasting time on racing giant mutant birds and getting them to mate with their progeny! And maybe they’d stop laughing at me!! BUT I WOUND UP IN THIS STUPID DIMENSION BEFORE I COULD PROVE THEM WRONG!!
(Brightbabe and Toadgirl put their hands on Pharaoh’s shoulders. But he turns away from them, still bawling.)
Pharaohman: I’m still half a man!! I’M STILL HALF A MAAAAAAAANNNN!! Waahahahahahaaa…
Wraithman: ….Huh…I wasn’t expecting that.
Gyroman: This is actually pretty sad.
Gravityman: But not for the same reason why my confession was, right?
Diveman: Well, I hope you’re happy, you asshole. Whatever you have to tell us, it better be good.
Wraithman: I wouldn’t say you’re being very polite right now.
Diveman: Says the shithead who gets his jollies humiliating people he thinks he's smarter than! You wanted him to share, and he shared! Now it’s your turn!
Skullman: You asked him to share his inner demons, and he shared. Even if they’re downright ridiculous.
Pharaohman: (head buried in his hands) You call trying to stop six red mages from mating a blue chocobo with her brother ridiculous?!! Wahahahaaaaa...
Toadgirl: (patting his shoulder) No, no. That’s not what he meant…
Wraithman: Sigh…I knew I should’ve picked the girl with a lightbulb for a head…Very well. While the Blue Materia may have slipped through your fingers, I can guarantee you something far sweeter instead. Though only the purest of imaginations could appreciate it.
Dustman: Which would be…?
Wraithman: I grow tired of trying to spell things out for you. I’m practically spoonfeeding you this, as it is.
Starman: Come on, give it a rest. We have a grown man from a parallel universe crying about boring sidequests and inbreeding giant smelly birds. If you’re somehow trying to make this less silly, it’s not happening.
Wraithman: Sigh…Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. There. I said it.
Dustman: Finally. Now, we’re getting somewhere.
Diveman: That’s what we said the last time.
Skullman: Well, this should be much simpler with Ringman still trapped in his bouncy springy chair, wherever he is. Now we don’t have to worry about him getting sucked up a pipe while trying to eat chocolate out of a river, drinking strange fizzling drinks that lift him towards a spinning fan, jumping into a TV, or eating poisonous gum that turns him into a blueberry. And if we were lucky, all of the above would have happened to him in that order.
Toadgirl: I have a feeling you don’t like Ringman very much.
Skullman: I just feel life would be simpler and less wacky if he wasn’t on this team.
Dustman: Don’t count on it. He’s practically a fixture to this team. He’s not going anywhere. But we should be on our way if we hope to catch Darkman and Matt.
Diveman: Hold on a second. How do we know Wraithman is telling us everything? He didn't tell us where Napalmman was last time. Technically, he didn't tell us what we were going to find here either. Best case scenario, our princess is going to be in another castle.
Skullman: Hm. He’s got a point. All things being equal, I wouldn't put thtat past him, either. Someone should stay here with him in case we need more information. Considering my past with Wraith, I feel up to that task.
Toadgirl: I don't wanna leave you here alone with this guy. I should be there with you. If someone else has something to confess, I don't mind doing it.
Wraithman: Your past doesn’t include inbred birds, does it?
Toadgirl: For the most part, no.
Diveman: No. No, no, no. No more sharing secrets. No more digging into past lives. None of that shit. This is starting to get out of hand. The more we play his game, the more power he has over us.
Skullman: If you’d like, you could stay here with us.
Diveman: What? Why?
Skullman: If you’re that worried about us sharing too much with Wraithman, you should be here to keep that from happening. That way you won’t have to worry about us while we’re away. Be the designated driver, of sorts.
Toadgirl: Hm. That kinda makes sense.
Diveman: I don’t know. My past includes a time-travelling jackal robot who brought an army of the dead back to life to avenge his overlord after my friends and I made a gay joke about him. Not sure if I want Wraith knowing about that.
Wraithman: Ugh, why did you have to spoil it like that? That takes the fun out of it.
Brightbabe: Did that really happen?
Diveman: Different team, different time. Don’t ask. *
*Namely, Maverick Hunter Unit X. Issue 1. Good luck finding this ep.
Dustman: Well, it sounds like we have a plan. We should get going.
Toadgirl: We’re already down a member. You three sure you’ll be okay on your own?
Dustman: Well, as long as we don’t actually touch anything in the factory, we should have at least a 53% chance of making it out of there alive. At least until Darkman or whoever’s there waiting for us tries to kill us. I like those odds.
Brightbabe: Well, we’re all smart, reasonable individuals. And we know better than to mess with anything we shouldn’t in there. And like Skull said, Ring’s not here to get himself in trouble. We should be okay. Right, Pharaoh?
Pharaohman: Waaaaahahhh!!! Stop laughing at me! STOP LAUGHING AT ME!! I can beat the Weapons without the Gameshark artifact, you jerks!! That’s for babies!! I’M NOT A BABY!!
Wraithman: …Next time, I’ll just let Waveman just come out with whatever he wants to say.
Waveman: Too late. You had your chance.
Brightbabe: Come on, Pharaoh. We’re going to get some candy.
Pharaohman: (sniffsniff) Okay…
Toadgirl: Hang on a second, I think we're missing somebody.
Dustman: Oh, for the love of-Drill!!
(Elsewhere, in the prison, Drillman is meeting up with an old friend for lunch.)
Hannibal: So. We meet again. Minus one of your colleagues, it seems.
Drillman: Ringman? Oh, he'll be okay. Probably.
Hannibal: I don't detect much concern for him.
Drillman: Every now and then, he does something silly and gets himself into trouble. But he's never worse for wear for it. He's the wild card. It's what he does.
Hannibal: I see. Puts a whole new meaning on the word 'Comrade', I suppose.
Drillman: I don't follow.
Hannibal: I suppose he'd be just as concerned if it was you strapped in a bouncy chair, trapped in the digital network, or shanghaied by pirates.
Drillman: ...Actually? You know what? I don't think he would. He was pretty cool with ditching our last two Skullmen.* And one time, he spent a whole day karate chopping everyone like a lunatic. We actually ended up kicking him off the team for a while.**
*Cossack's Comrades, Season 2, "Passing of Power" and Season 3 "Jumping the Bandwagon", respectively.
**Cossack's Comrades, Season 3, "Legend of Ringman"
Hannibal: Ahhhh. And the definition of 'Comrade' gets murkier, still.
Drillman: You know? It kind of does. And that's saying nothing about Toadgirl dating a wanted criminal behind our backs.* Skullman being...Skullman. And Dustman could very well be the Milk Thief.
*Cossack's Comrades, Season 3, "Wraith and Skull: Brothers?!"
Hannibal: ...The Milk Thief...?
Drillman: My jug gets lower than it should every day! Not many people in the Citadel drink milk! And he has a vacuum on his head! Coincidence?? I think NOT!!
Hannibal: ...Sure. Very well. Why not. The point is, perhaps. That the legendary Cossacks hmm...For lack a better word, 'Comrades', are not the tightly knit friends you think they are.
Drillman: I never thought of that. I think what you're saying now...
Hannibal: At last...
Drillman: Ringman is going to betray us!!
Drillman: The purely unprovoked karate chop rampage that destroyed a better part of our citadel, the time he spent with Dr. Wily, the legions of cultists he has under his thrall-
Drillman: They all dress like him, worship him, and answer his every beckon call!
(Hannibal looks at Drillman as if he's speaking another language and slowly backs away towards the rear of the cell, still keeping his eyes on him.)
Drillman: Don't look at me like that! I've seen them with my own eyes! He had them build a house for my girlfriend at the drop of a hat! We never knew he had them, we don't know where they came from, where they are now, or what they do when we're not looking!! Why would someone who claims to be our friend keep such a secret from us, and not use them to help us more often when we need them?? And am I the only one who's alarmed by this??*
*Cossack's Comrades, Season 2, "Incredible Home Makeover"
Hannibal: ...That's...Close to what I wanted you to realize...I suppose...
Drillman: We'll be watching Ringman like a hawk from here on out. Consider it done.
(Dustman, Pharaohman and Brightbabe come around the corner and find Drillman in front of Hannibal's cell.)
Dustman: There you are! I knew you'd be here.
Drillman: (whirls around, pointing his drills at Dustman) Of course you would, Milk Thief...
Dustman: The who??
Drillman: You thought I wouldn't notice that my milk jug was getting lower every day? You thought wrong!! At least I don't have to take you anywhere for your crimes... (points towards an empty cell.)
Dustman: ...Seriously? Milk Thief??
Brightbabe: (turns to Hannibal) What did you do to him?
Hannibal: (puts his hands up and shakes his head.) I don't-I have no idea-It wasn't supposed to be like this...
Drillman: Oh, I know what's happening! I see it all clear as day! (taps on Hannibal's cell) Go on!! Tell them what you told me about Ringman!
Hannibal: I-I don't even know where to start. Something about cultists building houses-He lost me after the Milk Thief.
Dustman: ...Okay. Come on, Drill. It's time to go. Don't make me have to use my vacuum to drag you along.
Drillman: And what would I see if I looked in your vacuum? My MILK, I assume?? Go ahead. Do it. You'd only be proving your guilt.
(Dustman simply shrugs, switches on his vacuum, and sucks up Drillman.)
Drillman: Ah ha!! Trying to make me disappear along with the rest of the evidence?? I knew it!! I knew it all along!
Brightbabe: Please stop talking to this weirdo.
Hannibal: Yes. That would be appreciated.
Drillman: So you're all in on it, too! What's he paying you?! I'll double it!! What is it you want? Gems? Power? Gold?
Pharaohman: Gold? Gold?? WAAAAHH!! That gold chocobo is a freak of nature!! A FREAK OF NATURE!! What have you all done??!
(Hannibal jumps back as Pharaohman pounds his fists on his cell, bawling like a baby.)
Hannibal: ...What's wrong with him...?
Dustman: You're better off not knowing. Let's go.
(Brightbabe take Pharaoh’s hand like a small child as she leads him out of the Station. Drillman's head is still stuck in Dust's vacuum, his body flailing like a fish on a hook as Dustman carries him out. Toadgirl, Diveman and Skullman continue to wait by the Androids’ and Wraithman’s cell. However, as the hours tick by...)
Diveman: They should’ve been back by now.
Wraithman: If they’re not, I would like a chance to discuss that gay overlord with time travelling necromancers.
Diveman: I’m sure you would.
Crystalgirl: Well, uh…Just a thought, if your team doesn’t come back, ours has two openings. Just throwing that out there.
Chargeman: As long as you’re willing to overlook the fact that all of us are in jail.
Diveman: That, and I dunno if I’d make a good Napalmman. But thanks, anyway.
Crystalgirl: Like I said, just a thought.
Skullman: All things being equal, it has been an inordinate amount of time.
Toadgirl: I can’t get them on my internal radio. They might be in trouble.
Skullman: All I get is Ringman in his bouncy chair.
Ringman: (over radio) This isn’t bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy fun fun fun fuuuuuuunnn!!
(The sounds of people screaming, tires screeching and horn honking can be heard over Ring’s radio.)
Wraithman: If you don’t mind, I’d like to weigh in here-
Diveman: No. Not now. Not in the mood. Now or ever.
Wraithman: That’s okay. I’m not looking to share anything. With you. Just yet.
(Suddenly, the lights go out, and the jail is tossed into pitch black. Diveman finds himself flung aside like a rag doll.)
Skullman: What the-?!
Diveman: What’s going on?? Where are you guys??
(Diveman staggers to his feet, stumbling around in the dark. As he tries to feel his way around, he feels a malevolent presence encircling him.)
????: Farewell. It was nice talking to you.
(Diveman is slammed into the wall by an unseen force, knocking him out. When the lights come back on, Diveman finds himself lying next to Toadgirl, who’s still unconscious.)
Diveman: Uggggghh…Wha-What happened? Where did everyone go?
Chargeman: I don’t know. We didn’t see what happened, either.
Gravityman: Are you okay, Divey? You sound like you took a beating.
Diveman: Sigh, it could’ve been worse. I guess I should count myself lucky Wraithman didn’t just snap my neck, or Toadgirl’s. I just don’t get how he got out.
Crystalgirl: …I don’t think he was ever here.
Diveman: What makes you say that?
(Crystalgirl points over towards Wraithman’s cell. All that’s in there is a beat-up, defective copy of Wraithman’s body.)
Diveman: I-I don’t understand. Who were we talking to this whole time?
Starman: My guess is, some kind of illusion Darkman cooked up.
Diveman: But being able to project them while remaining hidden in a secure RPD facility?
Gyroman: Like we said, he’s gotten real good at conjuring illusions.
Diveman: Well, he and Wraith would’ve had plenty of time to set their trap while they were getting in our heads. I knew letting that fake Wraith dig into our pasts was a bad idea!!
Waveman: What’s done is done at this point. I’d get a move on, if I were you. The other Comrades are probably in just as much trouble.
Diveman: You’re telling me!
(After dropping Toadgirl off at RPD’s infirmary, Diveman heads out to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. But rather than going through the front door, Diveman swims through the chocolate river, hoping to get into the factory unseen. The river is dominated by strong currents and network of pipes that try to suck him in. But being an underwater robot, Diveman has no problem swimming past them.)
Diveman: Ugh, it sure isn’t easy to see where you’re going when you’re swimming through chocolate. At least it’s delicious. I just hope this leads me to wherever the guys are.
(Eventually, the river starts shallowing up. Dive comes to a stop as prepares himself for whatever’s on the other side.)
Diveman: Alright, just remember. One of these guys conjures darkness, and the other conjures illusions. Whatever you see is probably isn’t real and a trap designed to sucker you in. Don’t stop for anything, and trust nothing, at least until Darkman is dealt with. I think that’s as good of a plan as it’s going to get. Let’s roll.
(Diveman tries to emerge unseen from the chocolate river. Only to run into a group of people standing around where Diveman is crawling out.)
Willy Wonka: Well then. This is most unexpected. I don’t seem to recall you winning a golden ticket.
Diveman: What the-?! Ah crap!! How did you find me so quickly??
Willy Wonka: What do you mean? I was in the middle of giving these fine folk a tour, and you just crawled out of that river out of the clear blue.
Mike Teavee: Kind of like that TV show where Danny DeVito crawls naked out of a couch!
Grandpa Joe: Who would let their kid watch a show like that??
Diveman: Damnit!! How could let myself fall into such an obvious trap??
Willy Wonka: …I’m not sure what you mean. But as luck would have it, we've just had…an opening in our tour group. And as long as you’re here, you might as well tag along, golden ticket or no.
Mrs. Gloop: Is that what you’re calling what happened to my son?? (grabs Diveman) Did you see my son as you came out of that river? Did you?? Is he alive?? Tell me!!
Diveman: (tosses the woman aside) Get off of me! Who are you trying to fool, Darkman?? I know none of this is real!
Willy Wonka: But of course it is! It’s all the stuff of pure imagination!
Mrs. Gloop: (pointing to the river) My son is in there!! Won’t anybody help him?!
Diveman: Give it a rest!! I know for a fact Ben ate Willy Wonka a couple years ago!!* You couldn’t think of a better illusion than this?!
*Cossack Comrades, Series 2, Epilogue 16.
Willy Wonka: …It’s true my younger brother ran into a misfortune of sorts while I was out on sabbatical. But I assure you, you are all in much better hands than that second-rate, devil-worshipping hack.
Diveman: Agh, enough already!!
(Diveman punches Willy Wonka in the face and throws him in chocolate river!)
Grandpa Joe: Holy moly!!
Diveman: (snaps Mrs. Gloop's neck) Let’s see you do your illusions now, asshole!!
Veruca Salt: Daddy, don’t let that mean submarine man hurt me!!
Diveman: (clobbers Veruca with a giant lollipop) TAKE THAT SENTINEL 1!! OR 2!! WHICHEVER ONE YOU ARE!!
Mr. Salt: He’s gone crazy!!
Diveman: Like a FOX!!
(Diveman chases after the other guests with dive missiles and swinging his lollipop around like an axe. Grandpa Joe gets trampled under Diveman’s feet as he beheads Charlie.)
Mr. Beauregarde: Get that lunatic away from me!!
Diveman: (blasts Mr. and Violet Beauregarde up with dive missiles) You better run!!
Mr. Salt: (clutching his daughter) Wake up, sweetie! WAKE UP!!
Diveman: (blasts him with a dive mine) Just give it up!!
Mike Teavee: I don’t want to watch this show! Change the channel!!
Diveman: (throws a screaming Mrs. Teavee into a tree branch that impales her) I’ll change your channel, Sentinel 3!!
(Diveman tackles Mike and beats him to a pulp. Once he finishes, he looks over the chocolate room, which is now a smoldering warzone.)
Diveman: Wasn’t so hard. (looks over the bodies) I thought there were only three sentinels. (shrugs) But then again, a lot of these could’ve been illusions. But I saw through them.
????: Mpphh!! Mppphh!! Mppphhh!!!
(Diveman hears some muffled screaming coming out of one of the oversized chocolate balls. He blows it apart, revealing…)
Napalmman: Oof. Thanks.
Diveman: Ah, there you are! We’ve been looking for you.
Napalmman: Glad you did. You might want to help out your other friends, too. I’m pretty sure they’re stuck in the other balls.
(Diveman blasts all the remaining balls open, and the missing Comrades all crawl out of them.)
Pharaohman: Well, that was embarrassing.
Dustman: Eh. Not for this team, anyway.
Brightbabe: At least it was delicious in those balls.
Skullman: If you say so. I was never fond of chocolate.
Napalmman: Well, all’s well that ends well.
Diveman: Uh, not exactly. Ringman’s still missing.
Pharaohman: Um, about that…
(Pharaohman points up to a tree, with Ringman tangled up inside of it and a mess of springs.)
Ringman: Uhh, guys? Little help?
Diveman: (blasts the tree down) How did I miss that earlier?
Ringman: Eh, I just now came to. That bouncy chair was a wild ride. What did I miss?
Brightbabe: Dive saved the day!
Ringman: Oh great!! It’s not every day he gets a crack at it!
Dustman: I’ll say.
Napalmman: Well, I can’t think of a better way to close out the day than to pig out on all this chocolate!
Ringman: It’s a good thing Darkman and Wraithman chose a chocolate factory as their hideout!! It’s about time our adventures were delicious!
Diveman: Can this wait?? We still got to clear the Androids’ names. And we can’t do that until Napalmman gets back.
Napalmman: What?? The Androids are in jail?? For what?? They didn’t do anything wrong!!
Skullman: Except kill a bunch of RPD officers by mistake.
Brightbabe: But to be fair, there were illusions involved. Kinda like the ones Diveman had to deal with.
Napalmman: Okay. Guess you guys are right. But before we go, (grabs a fistful of candy) How about a couple bites for the road? I’m sure my pals would want some of these, too.
Diveman: …Fine, but make it quick.
Napalmman: (taking a bite of peanut butter cup flowers) Mmmm! These are really good! Have you tried these?
Diveman: Just pick a couple and go. Your pals are waiting for us.
Napalmman: Aren’t you going to have just a bite? Even one?
(Napalmman holds out a flower to Diveman. He snatches it up and takes a bite out of it, and throws the stem aside.)
Diveman: There. I had my fill. Now let’s go.
(The group all follows behind Diveman as he leads them towards the exit. But as he leaves, he turns back to grab another fistful of flowers.)
Diveman: …Just a couple more for the road…
(Diveman starts eating the flowers as he heads back for the exit. But he eats them all before he even reaches the stairs.)
Diveman: Gone already?? Geez, that was fast.
(Diveman goes back to snatch up more flowers. But he starts eating more and more of them as he gathers them up.)
Diveman: Man, these are good.
Napalmman: I told you!
(Napalmman joins Diveman, as they both start ripping flower after flower out of the ground, scarfing them down. Before long, they're both on all fours, eating the flowers off the grass. They have chocolate smeared all over their faces.)
Diveman: I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something special about these peanut butter cups. They’re nothing like I’ve ever had before! Hey guys! Do you want any of these while I’m over here??
(Diveman looks around and sees that the Comrades are all gone. Only he and Napalmman are the only ones left.)
Diveman: Did they all leave without us, or what?
Napalmman: They’re not here, Gee-off-rey.
Diveman: It’s Geoffrey. Don’t call me that. It’s not a word.
Napalmman: My apologies. It’s rude not to make an effort to learn your friend’s name. After all, it’s part of their identity. In your case, it’s your only identity.
Diveman: What are you talking about?
Napalmman: Poor, dear Geoffrey. Always part of the background. Never speaking up unless spoken to. I can see why you’re so hung up people getting your name right. It’s the only thing that’s unique about you.
Diveman: …That’s kinda harsh.
Napalmman: But true. Why is that you never make an attempt to define yourself? Is it because you lack so much confidence in yourself, you’re afraid of being the wrong man? Are you so obedient, that you’ll be whatever anyone tells you are? Just so you can keep telling yourself you’re doing the right thing? Or does it make it easier for you to drift along without a thought or care in the world?
Diveman: …Hold on a second. You-you can’t be-
Napalmman: Can’t be what? Someone who understands you better than yourself? Someone who you thought you could wall out of your head? Someone who you thought up until five minutes ago, you threw into a delicious chocolate river? My dear Joffrey, you can’t triumph over me…
(Suddenly, Napalmman starts shifting, transforming into…)
Darkman: Because you can’t triumph over yourself.
(Diveman reels back as Darkman reveals himself.)
Diveman: What the-?! How did you-I thought I-No! You're dead! I drowned you in chocolate!!
Darkman: I'm afraid not.
Diveman: Then who did I just beat up?!
Darkman: A friendly, whimsical candy inventor, and his guests.
Diveman:. Like hell!! Those were illusions!! For all I know, you're still stuck in that chocolate pipe and you're trying to mess with me! I know it!
(Diveman points to Willy Wonka, still stuck in one of the pipes, fruitlessly banging his fists on the pipe, trying to get out. But eventually, his pounding gets slower and weaker, until his eyes close and he slumps over. And the pipes flush him away.)
Darkman: Well. There I go. And yet, here I still am. Are you sure you don't want to rethink that theory?
(Diveman looks around at all the bodies he's left. None of them disappear, as the blood underneath them starts pooling up and flowing towards the chocolate river. Along with Charlie's head.)
Diveman: I-I don't understand. What are they doing here?? How can there be a tour going on when there are killer robots hiding out here?!
Darkman: I never said we'd be here waiting for you. I told you to go here, and you did. You came to that conclusion all on your own.
Diveman: You-you liar! You dirty piece of shit!! Motherfucker!! You told us to share with you, and you'd share with us!! You've been running a fucking scam with us this whole time!!
Darkman: That talk is very unnecessary. After all, I'm here, aren't I? Assuming my lifeless corpse didn't get flushed down a chocolate river, like you said of course. And it would be rude of me to not to give you what you came for.
(Suddenly, the peanut butter cup flowers in Diveman's hand begin to shimmer and waver. His eyes go wide in horror, as the illusion of peanut butter cups fade away, revealing gnawed body parts, dripping down his fingers and his lips.)
Diveman: Wha-what is this?? No. Nonononono it-it can't be. It can't it can't it can't-
(Diveman staggers back as he realizes he has blood and other visceral fluids dripping down his lips, all the way to his chest. His lips trembling, his head shaking, he looks down at where the flowers were growing, only to see Napalmman's body instead, torn apart and covered with bite marks.)
Diveman: No!! Dear good no!! Fuck!! Fuucckk!! What the fuck?! WHAT THE FUCK?!!
Darkman: You asked for him. Here he is. As I promised, you share with me. I share with you.
Diveman: That's not-Who would-Why?!!!
Darkman: It's what separates us from the animals. You enjoyed it, didn't you??
(Diveman can't even stand, as he sets down on a candy toadstool. He looks over at some of the other assorted candy wonders and starts weeping softly.)
Diveman: Dear god. No. No. (Shakes the mushroom) Dustman?? Is that really you?? Wake up?? WAKE UP!!!
Darkman: Don't get carried away. The rest of your friends aren't here. Not in this room, anyway.
Diveman: What did you do??
Darkman: Nothing. Not a thing. They got themselves in trouble roaming around here by themselves. They should really learn to curb their temptation in a place like this. Otherwise, they wouldn't have eaten gum that turns them into blueberries, or played with machines that shrunk them into little specks.
Diveman: You knew this would happen!! That's why you told us to come here!
Darkman: Don't think of it as a trap. Think of it as a recruitment. An opportunity to move up in the world. By now, you've seen what your limitations are, and how you can better yourself. My benefactor and I can help you with that.
Diveman: So that's what this was about?!! (Pointing to Napalmman's corpse) To make me stronger?!!
Darkman: To show you what you're capable of. What truly lies beneath that empty shell of a personality. I know Wraithman intends to do the same thing to his brother. That's why he took him. And once you've all reached your full potential, you and your friends can share your potential with the rest of the world. Help make it into something more...perfect.
Diveman: Yeah, I can only imagine what Dr. Wily has in mind for this world...
Darkman: Who said anything about Wily? And there's no need to look at me like a monster. Especially since the rest of the world will think you're a monster for what you did. As far as anyone knows, you went berserk, killed a bunch of innocent people, and ate their corpses.
(Diveman's accusing gaze falls to the ground, realizing what he says is true.)
Darkman: At this point, my proposal isn't a matter of principle. It's a matter of survival. You've got nowhere else to go.
Darkman: But I know that look in your eyes. That glimmer. Of horror. Not at what you did. But that you enjoyed it. Perhaps this is why you've had no personality to speak of. It was simply locked away, waiting to be set free. Your true self. Don't fight it. Even now, you miss the sweet taste of peanut butter. And it's going to stay with you for every waking hour-
(Suddenly, Diveman lunges forward off the mushroom, smacking him with a giant lollipop.)
Diveman: Jesus H Christ!!! Doncha ever shut up?!
(Darkman slowly rises, his hands glowing with dark plasma.)
Darkman: ...Foolish move. I can always take you back in pieces, if that's what you want.
(Darkman discharges a jolt of black plasma into Diveman, knocking him on his back. But Diveman simply snarls with anger as he springs to his feet.)
Diveman: Yeah?! You want a monster?! You fucking got one, asshole!!
(Diveman counters with a barrage of dive missiles, which Darkman shoots down. But while he’s occupied, Diveman rushes him. Darkman tries to counter with his plasma barriers, but Diveman simply ignores the pain and tackles him into the chocolate river.)
Darkman: Lucky shot. It won’t happen again.
Diveman: Doesn’t fucking need to. You’re in my world now, asshole!!
(Diveman swims around a barrage of plasma cannon blasts, firing an onslaught of dive missiles all the while. Darkman has trouble maneuvering through the thick chocolate, and takes every hit.)
Darkman: …Grrr!! This ends now!!
(Darkman tries building up more black plasma. But the chocolate from the river shorts out his plasma generator. Seeing his chance, Diveman swoops into Darkman, pinning him down as he unloads his dive missiles into his face.)
Diveman: Got any big words or speeches ya wanna get off yer chest now?!
Darkman: I’m not the one you should be venting your fury towards.
(Darkman points his cannon at Diveman, but the cannon explodes as a dive mine Diveman shoved into the barrel goes off. Darkman clutches his ruined arm in horror, as Diveman looms over him.)
Darkman: Th-this isn’t possible…!
(Diveman carries Darkman towards the same pipe that sucked up Willy Wonka. The current sweeps up Darkman and sucks him inside, carrying him through a network of pipes.)
Diveman: Oompa Loompa oompity dass. You just got fucked right up the ass!!
(After watching the chocolate current carry Darkman away, Diveman resurfaces, brushing chocolate off of himself. He steps over towards Napalmman’s remains, his façade cracking. Looking down at the devoured corpse, Diveman starts heaving and pukes into the chocolate river. Later, at RPD prison, Diveman returns, carrying Napalmman’s remains towards the Androids’ cell.)
Gravityman: Oh no. Matty-Kun…
Crystalgirl: What happened to him??
Diveman: This was all that was left of him when I found him.
Starman: I can’t believe Darkman would do this.
Chargeman: I didn’t even know he had a mouth.
Diveman: Take it from me, he did.
Starman: What about the rest of your team? Are they okay?
Diveman: Oh sure. Just aces. I found everyone the gang deeper in the factory. They're pretty fucked up right now. But Pops and Sis will get ‘em sorted out. Cuz they’re the best, aren’t they?
Gyroman: …You okay? You sound a little shaken up.
Diveman: Ah, shit. I’m fine. Ya don’ see me turned into a blueberry or floating towards the ceilin’ do ya?!
Gyroman: Okay, geez! I’m sorry! I was just asking.
Gravityman: …So what do we do now? There’s no one left who can prove we didn’t mean to kill those cops! Are we going to jail for good?
Crystalgirl: I’d say that’s a safe bet.
Waveman: No. I killed them. By myself. You all saw me do it. You even tried to stop me. You had nothing to do with it. And while we're on the subject, you knew nothing about my checkered past.
Gravityman: But it was a trick!! Darkman was making you see things!!
Waveman: It doesn’t matter. Blood’s still on our hands. At least mine. There’s no way we’re coming out of this heroes. Or at least, not all of us.
Crystalgirl: No. Don’t do this. We already lost Pat and Matt. We don’t want to lose you, too.
Waveman: I don’t think it’s up to us. Just let me do this. I’m going down, no matter what happens. There’s no sense in dragging you guys down with me.
(Starman approaches Waveman, puts his arm around his back and embraces him, patting his back.)
Starman: …Take care of yourself, Maks.
Waveman: (returns the embrace) You too, guys. Sorry I let you all down. Somehow, I get the feeling that things are still going to get worse before they get better. For everyone, really.
Crystalgirl: I hate to say it. But you might be right. Maybe we should lay low for a little while once we get out of here.
Gravityman: So that’s it? We’re through??
Starman: Even if Waveman’s the only one of us who goes down, we still have a bad name. And I don't think people are going to let us live it down. Maybe the world will give us another chance. But until the day comes, you guys leave the armors with me.
Gyroman: You kidding?? After all the time and effort Crys and I put into them??
Crystalgirl: No, he’s right. As long as we’re wearing them, we’re still going to be public enemies. That’s not what we need right now. Without them, we have a better chance of having a normal life.
Starman: I’ll keep them safe. I know just the spot where nobody’s going to look for them. Come find me when this all blows over.
Chargeman: I’m gonna hold you to that, Vulc. Until then, it was a fun ride. Well, Dive. Thanks for doing what you could-
(The Androids turn to face Diveman, only to find he’s already long gone.)
Chargeman: Ah. Thanks anyway.
Gravityman: …We sure he’s okay?
Waveman: Well, it’s out of our hands if he isn’t…
(Outside, in the city streets, Diveman wretching and heaving into a dumpster. After several minutes, he drops to his knees, gasping weakly.)
Diveman: Fuck. Fuck I can still taste him. Even after all I’ve thrown up, I can still taste him…God, how I make it stop?! Make it stop!!
(Diveman spots a liquor shop and rushes towards it, slamming the door as he runs in.)
Diveman: What’s the strongest stuff you got?
Clerk: …Well, we just got a shipment of Red Tick vodka-
Diveman: How much you got??
Clerk: …That shelf over there-
(Diveman scoops up as much as he can carry, brings them to the counter and throws down a wad of bills. Before the clerk can even count them, he pops a bottle open, and starts chugging it.)
Clerk: Sir?? Sir!! You’re not allowed to drink that on the premises!
Diveman: (throws the bottle at the clerk’s feet.) Yeah?! Well, I’m a seven foot submarine robot, ‘n yer a four-foot, fat, baldin’ pussy!! Come at me!! See what happens!!
(The clerk backs away from Diveman as he continues to down bottle after bottle of vodka in a matter of seconds. Elsewhere, back at Cossack’s Citadel, Cossack is doing his best to repair the Comrades’ various...accidents.)
Dr. Cossack: Bah!! How do you all get into these messes?!
Dustman: ...We don’t want to talk about it.
Brightbabe: (shrinking) Uhhh…It’s happening again. Little help??
Pharaohman: Sorry, but some of us have our own problems.
Skullman: I’m not sure if I want to know.
Dustman: (pours himself a glass of milk) To be fair, I wasn’t trying to steal any of the golden chocolate eggs. I just wanted to see if there was anything of use in the trash. Turns out it was just a bunch of rotten eggs and spoiled candy.
Brightbabe: I just feel silly that we succumbed to the very temptation we said we wouldn't fall for.
Skullman: Well, if you think you have it bad, my day was more humiliating than any of yours.
Pharaohman: Really? Did you swell up like a blueberry too?
Skullman: Worse. I had to be rescued by Ringman.
Ringman: (dipping cookies in a cup of milk) I told you Spring Ring would save the day!
Skullman: And I told you to stop reminding me of that.
Toadgirl: (pouring milk into a pot of mac 'n cheese) It’s good thing Ringman bounced in when he did. Or else you’d still be in Wraithman’s clutches!
Skullman: That’s almost preferable. Almost. (pulls out a jug of milk, shakes it, then throws it out)
Brightbabe: (bathing in a cup of milk) Hey, has Dive gotten back yet? I feel like he should’ve been back by now.
(Diveman suddenly staggers in, holding dozens of bottles of vodka under his arms, as he staggers about, barely able to stand.)
Diveman: Twwwooo hundweeed degreeess, that’s why theeeey call me Mr. Faweenhate!! I’m traveeelllin’ atta speedo liggghhtt!! I’m gonnna make a soupa sonik gal outta ya!!
(The other comrades take several steps away from Diveman as he staggers around the room, knocking over furniture.)
Skullman: …Soooo…This is a thing.
Dustman: …Dive…? You okay??
Diveman: Never bettah, Hooverface!! I’m on toppah the world!!
Pharaohman: …And was that before or after the six vodkas?
Diveman: Nine!! Learn ta coun’, Mumm-ra!!
Toadgirl: Hey!! There’s need to be nasty, Dive! What’s wrong with you??
Diveman: Ah, lighten up, Ms. Kermitt!! They all know it’s all in good fun, doncha guys??
Dr. Cossack: I don’t-
Diveman: See?? They’re cool!! We’re cool!!
(Everyone just stares at Diveman, jaws dropped and eyes wide, as if they’re meeting him for the first time. He just pulls another jug of milk out of the fridge, drinking straight out of it.)
Diveman: Whatsa matter wit ya guys?! Pull the stick outta yer asses. We all had lotsa chocolate, we kicked Sentinel and Darkman ass, it’s a red letter day fer us if there ever was one, right? Right?
Diveman: Pffft. Fine. Lemme know when Ballade, Krypto, or some other two-bit shithead knocks on our door. I’ll give those asswipes a beatin’ they'll never forget.
(Diveman staggers off to his room, bumping into more furniture, and knocking over chairs along the way. All the Comrades can do is watch in stunned silence as the sound of tumbling furniture and shattering glass echoes down the hall, towards Dive's room.)
Ringman: …That was awkward.
Dustman: And kind of unpleasant.
Brightbabe: You don’t think he’s mad at us, do you? Maybe we should go in and check on him. Well, if one of you carries me, anyway.
Pharaohman: Leave him be. He’s had a rough day. Had to stop Darkman all by himself, and he still wasn’t in time to save Napalmman, Willy Wonka, or his factory tour.
Toadgirl: ...Was that how it happened?
Pharaohman: Well, that's what Dive told us when he found us in the factory. Before he got hammered. Not that it matters. We're in pretty sorry shape. And we couldn’t even clear the Androids’ name for all our trouble. This wasn’t one of our better days.
Brightbabe: But tomorrow will be better, right?
Skullman: …I wouldn’t be too sure. I think this is the start of something worse.
Dustman: I just hope Dive will be more reasonable when he sobers up.
Diveman: (from inside his room) Not gonna happen!!
(The sound of Final Fantasy VII can be heard inside Dive’s room.)
Diveman: Ah, sweet! Just whooped the Ruby and Emerald Weapons’ asses!! Those fuckers ain’ no match fer a master Chalk-booboo breeder!!
(Suddenly, Pharaohman starts bawling, blueberry juice pouring out of his eyes.)
Pharaohman: Waaaaaaahhhhh!!! Diveman's drunk and he can beat them before me! I really am a failure!! Waahahahaaaaaa...
Ringman: Is this what you meant by things getting worse, Zaneroth?
Skullman: (glares) It’s ZYMETH. And I only wish it was.
Brightbabe: Hang on a second. Has anyone seen Drill?
Dustman: Come to think of it, I lost sight of him after Pharaoh ate the blueberry gum.
Toadgirl: Oh no. You don't think he's...
(Meanwhile, Hannibal Lector is climbing into bed and rolling up the blankets. As he lays down his head, he sees Drillman, in the cell with him, looking down on him.)
Hannibal: (bolts up) WHAT ON EARTH?!
Drillman: There's more we need to discuss.
Hannibal: On that, we strongly disagree. And also, how did you get in here? The cell is locked, and I don't see any hole you could've drilled through. Getting in here without anyone knowing in of itself is impressive.
Drillman: I'm still learning. I was only here for twenty minutes before you noticed me.
Hannibal: ...Clearly room for improvement...You should practice with Dr. Jonathan Crane down the hall. I'm sure he'd love to hear about your various fears, phobias and insecurities.
(Hannibal grabs his pillow, angrily fluffs it, turns himself around tries to sleep on the other end of the bed, but Drillman runs over towards his side.)
Drillman: But we've already shared so much! And we're only halfway down the rabbit hole!
(Drillman sits down on Hannibal's mattress, who simply throws his arms up and gets out of bed.)
Hannibal: ...Okay fine. We'll do this now. Let me guess. Somebody stole three of your tarts?
Drillman: It wasn't just tarts. It was my last slice of pizza. And it wasn't someone. It was Diveman. My cameras caught him fifteen minutes ago. He seemed drunk for some reason. That's the only reason why he made no effort to cover his tracks. I'll deal with him, and his legion of deep one hybrid followers at a later date.
Hannibal: ...At least you're on top of that. Otherwise, I don't know what else to discuss with you.
Drillman: Are you kidding? We haven't even talked about my failed dream to be a musician, how my dad forced me into his construction business (worst year of elemetary school of my life), or my struggling lovelife-...
Hannibal: Lovelife? Okay, fine. Let's work with that. Alright...Hmmm...Your romance with her isssss....umm...Certainly worthy of a child's fairy tale.
Drillman: Oh! Now we're getting somewhere!
Hannibal: ...But ummmm....Hmmm...Like a child...Um....You never knew when to grow up you cling to what you know and you never give it up. That's why you're so obsessed with asinine tales meant to entertain chldren!
Drillman: Oh my God! You're right!
Hannibal: ...And when things get serious - as they always must - you let them go! You leave!
Drillman: NO! No, I .... I ...
Hannibal: What was her name, 'Anime Master'?
Drillman: There wasn't ...
Hannibal: Come now, tit for tat, tell me. I know you want to tell someone. Secrets will out, so out with it!
Drillman: VIOLET! Her name was violet! I barged into her life like some sort of Mary Sue and, then ... and then ....!
Hannibal: And then you became what you despise most, didn't you!
Drillman: YES! I became a self insert! I totally inserted myself into her and her family's life to the point where they all moved into a house right beside the Citadel!
Hannibal: And then you lost her!
Drillman: Yes! *sob* when they realized they could leave at any time! I mean ... I live in freaking Siberia! And the worst part is? By the end of it all ... I'm just embarassed by the whole thing! We BOTH were! We ... both ... were! I ... I'M A MARY SUE! THERE IT IS! My whole LIFE feels like one BIG self-insert story! Oh .... OH GOD!
(Drillman sobs uncontrollably and throws his arms around Hannibal. Wincing, Hannibal does his best to comfort while trying to keep some distance.)
Hannibal: ...There, there. Now, doesn't that feel better?
Drillman: You know ... it kind of does.
Hannibal: Yes, and now it's time for me to share. About your wayward friend, aboud life, the universe, and everything.
Drillman: Yes! Yes, you know something! You HAVE to! This can't have been a waste!
Hannibal: It is. Everything is. This all ends. (Hopefully, soon. Very soon.)
Hannibal: Life is just one meaningless battle. One battle after another after another! It's a war that will never end! Unles sof course ... you take action.
Drillman: A ...war?
Hannibal: Yes. And it will never. Ever. End. Unless you -
Drillman: Yes. YES! A war! Or course!
Hannibal: ...Now what...
Drillman: There's a war coming! I ... I have to warn the others! I have to prepare! For all those battles that you talked about!
Hannibal: How did you come to that-
Drillman: And THAT'S the moment Ringman will turn against us!! AND when Shadowman's and Needlegal's alien legions will take over the earth! They're all in cahoots!! Of course!! The timing is PERFECT!
Hannibal: Ringman?? Oh, no. Not him again. How did we come back to that-
Drillman: At last!! I have the answers I was looking for! I know what to do! But before I go...
(Drillman punches Hannibal Lector right in the mouth.)
Drillman: THAT'S FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A MARY SUE! Which I am NOT! And never was!
(Drillman storms out of the cell, as Hannibal rubs his jaw.)
Hannibal: ...Good talk...
Scarecrow: (pounds his fist on his cell from down the hall.) Keep it down, would you? The rest of us trying to sleep!