Cossack's Comrades

Cossack's Comrades Alpha Season 3 Epilogue 6
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Out (part 1)

It's early morning at the Cossack Citadel. All appears to be quiet... until...


The sound of shattering glass and goodness-knows-what-else echoes throughout the Citadel, waking most of the occupants from their otherwise restful sleep.

JAY: They don't make lamps like they used to, huh Silent Bob? Okay, go long!

Jay gets ready to throw the football to Silent Bob; right in the middle of the Cossacks' living room. Suddenly...

KALINKA: What on EARTH are you two doing?!

JAY: Passing the pigskin. Duh.


KALINKA: It is 6:30 in the morning! And I have to get woken up from by beauty rest to have you two stoners playing football in the LIVING ROOM?! Look what you did to my tiffany lamp! That cost a fortune! Especially since daddy doesn't give me much of an allowance...

DR COSSACK: I wouldn't be a very good communist if I gave my daughter a generous and regular allowance, now would I?

PHARAOH: I was having a perfectly nice dream until just a minute ago. I was making out with Sakura and Chun-Li at the same time...!

JAY: Whoa. Can I join in?

PHAROAH: You can't now, dumbass! Because you woke me up from it! And now you're gonna pay the penalty! (starts to charge a Pharaoh Shot)

TOAD: I was having one of my insomnia fits last night. I finally start to go to sleep, when you two guys... (she pulls out a Rain Flush capsule and a large battle axe)

DRILL: (steps in front of Jade and Zapper) Now now. Let's not resort to anything too grotesque here. Let's talk this out like civilized...

DUST: C'mon AM. You have to admit they're getting under your skin too. Remember when we went out to dinner last Tuesday?


In a quaint, and otherwise quiet restaurant.

JAY: (Yelling to the waitresses) Yo!! Any of youse hot bitches wanna blow a fat man in a trenchcoat?! Snoooootch!!

Everyone in the restaurant gives disgusted looks at the Comrades' table.

End Flashback

RING: We can't take you two anywhere. Even when you're tagging along with us downtown.

Another Flashback...

A shopkeeper angrily approaches the Comrades on the street.

SHOPKEEPER; These two friends of yours have not only been using constant filthy language in front of my customers, but they ate a whole lot of candy that they told me YOU would pay for!

Jay and Bob turn out their empty pockets.

DRILL: *sigh* How much did you guys eat?

JAY: What do I look like, Issac Fig Newton? Probably about 100 bucks worth. What do you think, Lunchbox? Is that right?

SILENT BOB: (shrugs)

End Flashback

DIVE: Even around the house...

Yep, Flashback Again...

Jade and Zymeth are playing Soul Calibur.

JAY: One side. The Morris Day and Jerome Show is coming on and me and Silent Bob ain't missing a minute!

SKULL: Um, excuse you. We're kinda doing something here at the moment.

JAY: Give us the damn TV, zombie-man, or Tubby here's gonna strip naked and dance in front o' ya all sexy-like!

Silent Bob shakes his head in protest. But Pharaoh and Skull aren't going to chance on it.

PHAROAH: Oh god. Fine, take it.

End Flashback

JAY: Oh yeah. That was pretty funny. Heh.

KALINKA: The point is, you two have been driving us nuts since day one! And enough is enough! You two are gone! You're outta here!

Kalinka gets out her shotgun. But Jay just crosses his arms.

JAY: Says who, prissy-princess? The big man here has the say on who stays and goes. (Turns to Cossack) C'mon, Khrushchev. You won't boot us out, will ya?

DR COSSACK: (Gets out a tommy gun) That last bag of hash you gave me was a piece of crap! You guys are gone! And don't come back!!

Cut to outside the Citadel, where Jay and bob are thrown out into the freezing cold. They soon find themselves wandering the streets of Megalopolis.

JAY: Screw those sons of bitches, Silent Bob. We may be down, but not out. Let's go see if we can crash with some of those guys' pals for a while.

And so Jay and Bob look for another group to hang out with.

GAUNTLET: Ohhhhhh no. AM already warned me about you two guys. Beat it, stoners.

No luck. Care to try again?

GARY: No. Freakin'. Way.

Needless to say...

STARNIK: No way. No how.

...the quest doesn't go well.


They don't seem able to take a hint either...

GAUNTLET: What are you doing back here? I said get lost!

They sure are persistant...

GARY: No means NO!

But as night begins to fall, Jay and Bob haven't found anyone to stay with. And they're still wandering the streets with nowhere to go.

JAY: This licks balls, man. We need to find some place to set up shop, Tons-o-Fun. Man, nothing around here can beat the Quick Stop, though.

SILENT BOB: Then why don't we go back there?

JAY: Great idea, Sherlock freaking Holmes. And how do you propose we do that?

SILENT BOB: Ballade was the one who first opened a gate to Jersey when he was occupying Omni's body. Why don't we go see him and get him to help us get back home?

JAY: Great idea! I'm glad I thought of it. C'mon get your fat ass in gear! Let's go see Ballade!

And so Jay and Bob go to Wily's skull fortress.

JAY: That asshole better not make us go through some ridiculous maze with deadly robots or anything. (Rings the doorbell)

Bass answers the door.

BASS: What do you junkies want?

Jay and Bob explain their situation to Wily, Bass, and of course Ballade.

DR WILY: Give me one good reason why I should help you two.

Jay tosses Wily a bag of weed.

DR WILY: That was a very good reason.

BALLADE: I don't know why you thought I would know how to take you home, though. Especially since I don't have Omni's body anymore.

DR WILY: Nonetheless, I do have a way to send you home.

JAY: Then spill it already!

DR WILY: Omni opened the dimensional gate that brought you here, correct? That's really not a difficult feat for the world's Number 1 scientist!

JAY: And who's that?

DR WILY: Me, you simp! ME!!!

JAY: Right... My bad.

DR WILY: Anyway, let's see. It should be no trouble to modify my teleportation for long-range travel. Give me a hour or so.

And so about an hour later, Wily's teleporter is ready. Jay and bob climb aboard, Wily presses a button on his console, and in a flash of purple light, they're gone.

BASS: Did you really beam them back to Jersey?

DR WILY: Well, I guess an old man can get soft every once in a while...

BALLADE: It's 'cause they gave you that bag of grass, isn't it?

BASS: Pfft. Isn't that the stuff you always smoke when you design robots? Well, except for me of course...

Meanwhile, in Leonardo, New Jersey, Jay and Silent Bob materialize.

JAY: Whoa. I think that stuff's kicking in, Silent Bob. (Looks around) Hey! There's the Quick Stop. Man, I never thought I'd be so happy to see this place again!

Jay and Bob enter the Quick Stop convenience store. They see long-time clerk Randal Graves sitting diligently behind the counter.

RANDAL: Oh, no. I never thought I'd be seeing you stoner punks again.

JAY: Nice to see you too, bitch-fist.

RANDAL: I thought you finally got busted and got sent away to the big house, doing each other up the ass for the twisted pleasures of your cellmates.

JAY: Ew, you'd like to see that, wouldn't you? So where's your girlfriend Dante anyway?

RANDAL: Shut the hell up, junkie. That's not funny.

JAY: The hell's your problem? What, he not supposed to be here today again?

RANDAL: You have absolutely no soul at all do you? I said it's not funny!

JAY: What is WITH you?! I'm just asking where the hell Dante is!

RANDAL: *sigh* You two must've been hitting the drugs hard this time...


Dante is dead.

To be continued... 

Cossack's Comrades

AM as
Drill Man
Sean as
Dust Man
Geoff as
Dive Man
  Keba as
Bright Babe
Zymeth as
Skull Man
Rebel40000 as
Ring Man
Jade as
Pharaoh Man
Zapper as
Toad Girl


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