Cossack's Comrades

Canto VI: Anger

Lucifer and one of his lieutenants is in Greed, surveying the the destruction Dante is responsible for. The entire pit is littered with mutilated corpses piled on top of Plutus’s near-headless corpse. All the treasure that was within this circle of hell is long gone.

Lucifer: ...Holy shit...Just look at it all...Dante did all this by himself??

Barbaracia: All in a matter of minutes.

Lucifer: I don’t believe this! ...I mean, why would he even do all of this? Shouldn’t he be more focused on saving Beatrice?

Barbaracia: I wouldn’t be surprised if he forgot about her already. But if you think this is bad, you should see the circles above this one. They’re in even worse shape. Especially Limbo.

Lucifer: You’re kidding me!

Barbaracia: You have no idea. Everything from this circle on up has ground to a complete halt. We can’t properly sentence any more damned. Dante knocked Judge Minos down a cliff. We can’t ferry new arrivals to Hell itself. Dante destroyed Charon. We’ve got damned souls just piling up at the shores of Acheron with nowhere to go.

*Meanwhile, in the Shores of Acheron, every last damned spirit is standing at the ferrydocks waiting for a ferry that will never come.

Glutton: ....Sooooo...Is this normally how it works? Hell is just a lot of standing around, waiting?

Thug: You’d think eternal damnation would involve more torture and screaming and less standing in line at the DMV.

Warlord: If I had known that, I would’ve invaded more kingdoms! I mean, what the hell??

Harlot: Well, I’ve got nothing else to do. Anyone want to screw?

Heretic: Frontsies.

Impostor: Backsies.

Thief: Got a hand or two free?

*back in Greed...

Barbaracia: It’s got so crowded there, we’ve had to stop taking new arrivals.

Lucifer: No new arrivals?? That would mean-

Barbaracia: That’s right. The sinners on Earth are no longer dying.

*meanwhile, On Earth, a bank robber is facing down several police officers....

Bank Robber: *shoots at Police* You’ll never take me alive, pigs!

RPD Officer: Take him down!

*The RPD all shoot the robber, but their shots do nothing.

RPD Officer: What the hell?!

Bank Robber: Not your lucky today, dudes!!

*The bank robber guns down the cops and drives off in their cruiser. Elsewhere...

Shadowman: The Sinister 6?! What are you doing in the Scissor Army?!

Elecman: Sorry, bud. They’re the family we got left at this point. Plus, you douchebags got Bombman killed, so you sanctimonious pricks can suck it. All day long.

*The evil S6 all dogpile on top of the flustered Mechs. Gutsman crushes Shadowman under a rock as Cutchan slashes at Sparkchan with a rolling cutter.

Shoryu: Hey!! Don’t hurt mommy!

Elecman: *swats Shoryu with a newspaper* Get lost, you little runt.

Shoryu: Why you-!!

*Shoryu summons a swarm of spiders to overwhelm the brainwashed Elecman. Despite their vast numbers, they don’t seem to have any effect on him.

Shoryu: ...I would’ve thought that would’ve worked...

Elecman: *electrocutes Shoryu* You thought wrong, pipsqueak.

*Elecman goes back to flinging thunder beams at the rest of the mechs. As he does, Shadowman crawls out from under the boulder, apparently unharmed.

Shadowman: *dusting himself off* ...That smarts.

Sparkchan: ...Gauntlet? You got squashed like a bug! How are you even alive??

Shadowman: Me?? You got your head cut off!! How are you still alive?!

*Sparkchan looks down and sees that Cutchan just beheaded her, but suffers no other ill effect.

Sparkchan: Uhhhhh.....


Mario: Give-ah back the magic wand so I can turn-ah the Skyland King back ah to normal!

Roy Koopa: Never!!

*Mario jumps on Roy’s head three times, but Roy’s still standing.

Mario: ...This-ah usually does the trick!

Roy Koopa: Not today, apparently!!

*Roy fries Mario with his magic wand, killing him with ease.

Roy Koopa: And that’s for Larry, Morton, Wendy and Iggy, motherfucker!!


Optimus Prime: One shall stand! One shall fall!

Megatron: Preferably you!

Starscream: You can’t kill Megatron, Floptimus Prime! That’s MY job!

*Starscream shoots Megatron in the face, but nothing happens.

Starscream: ??!

*Starscream shoots Megatron several more times. But his shots have no effect on the increasingly irritated Decepticon leader.

Starscream: ...Uhhh...No hard feelings, right Mighty Megatron??

Megatron: No hard feelings?? This is bad comedy!

*Megatron shoots a cowering Starscream in the face, but treacherous aerospace commander remains standing.

Starscream: ...So, you’ve decided to spare my life? Oh, mighty Megatron! I shall never forget your endless generosity or forgiveness. Up until I decided to betray you again.

*Frustrated, Megatron keeps shooting Starscream, but to no avail.

Megatron: What part about getting blased do you not understand?!

Optimus Prime: ...Maybe I should just come back later...

*Back in hell...

Lucifer: ...This is a disaster. If we don’t get this under control, we’re going to look like the biggest pussies this side of the chaotic realms!

Kachen: *appears next to Lucifer* You’re too late for that.

Lucifer: Alright, that’s it!! We’ve got to call this thing off right now!!

*Lucifer teleports to Dis, the city of the damned lying halfway down Hell.

Lucifer: Beatrice! Look, this whole thing was a big mis-

*Lucifer stops as he sees Beatrice lounging about comfortably and being served margaritas.

Rubicante: Your drink, milady.

*Beatrice takes a sip before pitching it right back at the demon.

Beatrice: Too much salt. Make it again!!

Rubicante: At once, milady. *walks off*

Beatrice: Damn straight. And where the hell is my footstool?!

Cagnazzo: Right here, milady!

*Beatrice puts her feet up on top of Caganzzo’s shell, yawns and starts playing some games on her iPhone.

Lucifer: Wh-what?? What do you think you’re doing??

Beatrice: Making myself comfortable. Oh, and you’re out of Dr. Pepper.

Lucifer: You seem to be a little fuzzy on how this kidnapping thing works-

*Lucifer stops as he notices Beatrice is sitting on top of a throne made of bones.

Lucifer: Where did you get that?!

Beatrice: Scarmiglione made it for me!

*Lucifer glares at a sniveling demon who is rubbing Beatrice’s feet.

Scarmiglione: I-I’m sorry! She wouldn’t stop hitting me until I said ’yes’!

Lucifer: No, no, no, no. This is going too far. I’m sorry, you were right. I should never have tricked you down here in the first place. It was a dirty trick on my part, and I’m willing to make it up to you. So how about I just send you and Dante on home, and we can just let bygones be bygones. Sound good?


Beatrice: ...I’m still waiting for that Dr. Pepper, you know.

Lucifer: Didn’t you hear a word I just said?? I said I was willing to let you two go back home!! Orpheus would’ve KILLED for a deal like this!

Orpheus: He’s not kidding. Last time I got a deal like this, I couldn’t even look at my sweetheart until I got out of Hell, it was a rob.

Beatrice: How many more circles of Hell does he have left to go through?

Lucifer: Five.

Beatrice: What, you mean we’re only just getting warmed up? Oh man, I can’t wait to see what kind of suffering he has to go through next!

Lucifer: You do realize, you’re not really making him suffer, right? All he’s doing is making a mess that I’ve got to clean up!

Beatrice: Well, at least one of you is miserable. That’s good enough for me.

Lucifer: I’m not sure you got your priorities straight, here.

Beatrice: You talking back to me, boy?? *raises her fist*

Lucifer: *cowers* No, ma’am.

Beatrice: Good. And by the way, you know what’s missing here? *holds out her hand* That Dr. Pepper I asked for, Christ. Fifteen minutes ago!! Get off your worthless, formless ass already!!

Lucifer: Alright, alright! I’ll get it!

*Lucifer backs out of the room, towards the kitchen.

Lucifer: At what point did I lose control over the situation?

*Back in the upper reaches of Hell..

Virgil: I’m telling you, that’s my "Deep Cheerbots Loving" you got there!! Give it back!

Dante: Never!! I mean, that ain’t yers!! So yeah, still, never!!

Virgil: The mailing label’s still on it! My name’s on it!!

Dante: Ya said the same thing ’bout that copy of " Morrigan Aensland Does Chicago IX!"


Dante: Who’s the greedy SOB now??!

Virgil: WHY, I OUGHTA KNOCK YOUR BLOCK OFF-Oh, wait. Hang on a second. I think we’re in the next circle of Hell.

Dante: What makes ya so sure?

Virgil: Well, the next circle of Hell is Anger, and I’m seriously pissed off at you. Like, more than usual.

*Dante inexplicably whacks Virgil with a rotten tree branch.

Dante: Ah, I was wonderin’ why I had the urge to do that. And why I wanna keep doin’ that.

*Virgil sighs as he snatches the tree branch away from Dante. The duo find themselves in a fetid, swamp with dead gnarly black trees. A river of boiling black sludge runs through the circle of Hell, which is filled with countless damned spirits writhing and flailing about in the scalding waters.

Virgil: See the souls for whom anger has prevailed. May they be wrathful or sullen, they could find no joy in what God has created. And here in the river Styx, they boil in their own wrath and despair.


Angry Shade: Get your elbow off of me or I’ll rip it off and beat you with it!!

Sullen Shade ...It’s never going to be better than this. ...It was never better than this...

Sullen Shade: ...I want my family back...Life has no joy without my family at my side again...

Dante: Ugh!! Cancha get these bellyachers to pipe down?! I can’t remember the last time I hadta listen to a pack o’ whiners!

Virgil: Actually Dante, I think you can.

*Dante finds himself back in the crusades, standing watch over several prisoners as the battle rages outside.

Prisoner A: Hey, come on!! You gotta feed us sometime, man!

Stoner Prisoner: I’m down to smoking mattress stuffing, man! Fuckin’ mattress stuffing! This is just inhuman, you Shawshank dickwagons!!

Silent Prisoner: * frantically points to a toilet that’s overflowing*

Dante: Shaddap!! Shaddap all of ya!! We barely got ’nuff ta feed ourselves!! Forget ’bout ya heretic freeloaders!!

Prisoner B: But you just got a shipment of food in this morning!!

*The prisoner points to a stack of food crates just outside the prisoners’ reach...Which Dante promptly obliterates.

Dante: Nope!! Used it all up!!

Stoner Prisoner: What the fuck?! That was supposed to feed us for months!! What the hell is your problem?!

*Suddenly, a UPS man appears out of thin air and taps Dante on the shoulder.

UPS Man: Excuse me, we just got a late shipment of Duff for a ’Dante’?

Dante: Look no further, you found ’im.

*The UPS guy wheels in a large keg, which Dante smashes the spigot off of. He holds his mouth open as beer pours into his mouth. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Ayeka enters the room.

Ayeka: Hi, I have a strippergram for a Dante McHungDaddy?

Dante: Right here!

*Ayeka strips naked and grinds her waist against Dante.

Ayeka: Take me now, you raging studmuffin!

Dante: Don’t mind if I do!

*Present time.

Virgil: Okay, now you’re making this up.

Dante: No shit! But I’m sick of you telling me my own lifestory! It’s not like I’ve forgot any of it! Hell, this flashback is from last month! If I have to relive this bullshit, I might as well improve on it!

Virgil: Would you just tell the story as it actually happened?!

Dante: Alright, alright! Hang on!

*Last month...

Francesco: Dante!! Did you destroy the food that was meant for the prisoners?

Dante: Yeah, but uhhh...It was gonna turn us into pod people, from SR388. I was doin’ us all a favor!

Francesco: Pod people aren’t from SR388. For a well-placed double agent sent to spy on me, you certainly need to do a better job keeping your facts straight. But you do realize this means we’re going to have to feed them our own rations, now.

Dante: What?! No way some freeloadin’ heretic’s drinkin’ my booze!!

Francesco: What choice do we have?! That’s all we have left to feed them! ...Just as you planned, no doubt.

*Dante’s eye twitches as he glares at the prisoners.

Dante: Why, ya good fer nothin’, moochin’, bellyachin’ piece o’ shit whiners!!

*Dante throws open the cell doors and starts pummelling them viciously.

Dante: Good fer nothin’, self-centered, prissy, buzzkillin’, pussies!! I oughta knock the fillin’ outta every last one o’ ya!!

Virgil: Dante! Dante!! DANTE!!

Dante: Huh? Wha?

*Dante finds himself back in the present time, being restrained by Virgil. He looks around and sees that he’s standing in a pile of mutilated corpses that used to be anger shades..


Virgil: Okay, you know what? Let’s just stick with the story you were telling.

*Two days ago...

Ayeka: Take me now, you raging studmuffin!

Dante:Don’t mind if I do!

Mihoshi: *appears out of nowhere* Awwww, when’s it going to be my turn?

Washu: Well, we could always practice with each other?

Mihoshi: Ooh, why not??

*Mihoshi and Washu make out with each other, shoving their tongues into each other’s mouths.

*Present time.

Dante: Ahh, yeah. It’s even better than I remember it the first time!

Virgil: That should keep him busy long enough for me to me to take care of business.

*Virgil’s staff lights up and shoots a beam into the sludgy waters of Styx. Meanwhile, Dante keeps reliving the past as it unfolds in front of him.

Mihoshi: Ooh, this feels soooo right!

Washu:: I know! I know!

Dante: Ya girls wait right here! I gotta get this shit on tape!!

*Dante leaves the dungeon, heading back to his quarters. Once inside, he starts navigating past rows of crates and boxes piled around the room, like a maze.

Dante: Huh? This ain’t my room! I went through the right door, right?

*Dante goes back through the door. But instead of leading back to the dungeon, it just leads to another large room that looks like a warehouse. He keeps wandering through random doors, but all he finds is more empty rooms in a leaky warehouse.

Dante: Huh? Where’dja all go?? Mihoshi? Washu? Francesco??

*The room remains silent as Dante waits for somebody to answer.

Dante: Francesco, if yer partyin’ with my hookers without me, I swear I’m gonna-Acckhackkacck!! What the-

*Dante suddenly winces in pain as sparks shoot out of his joints. He looks down at his armor and sees that’s it’s inexplicably in much rougher shape than it was five seconds ago. It looks as though it’s been pieced haphazaradly stiched together and is barely holding together.

Dante: What the hell happened to me? I look like somethin’ a coyote ate and crapped off a cliff!

*As Dante tries to make sense out of his own flashback, the ground beneath starts to shake. Suddenly, finds himself back in the Fifth Circle of Hell.

Dante: Huh? Wha?? What’s goin’ on? Did miss anything important?

Virgil: Not really. I just summoned someone who will give us safe passage across this boiling river.

Dante: Oh, way to make yerself useful. Actually, there’s sumthin’ else maybe ya can help me out. Sumthin’ exposition-y.

Virgil: Alright! That’s where I’m a viking!

Dante: Yeah, ever had a flashback take on a life o’ its own?

Virgil: I don’t follow.

Dante: Like, ya started rememberin’ one thing, then some other memory jus’ comes right the fuck outta nowhere ’n takes it in a whole new direction?

Virgil: Only when I’m drunk. Frankly, considering how loaded you are, I’m surprised even half your flashbacks are this coherent.

Dante: ...Ah, fair ’nuff.

Virgil: ...Well, you’ve got plenty of time to make sense of it on the boat ride. Phlegyas will ferry us across the Styx straight to the damned city of Dis. Think of it as Hell’s halfway point.

Dante:Alright! Who said we weren’t makin’ progress!

Virgil: ...Well, that’s the good news. The bad news is...Well...There’s a reason why these shades are so consumed with rage, anger and/or despair.

Dante: And?

Virgil: ...When you meet Phlegyas, you’ll understand why.

*A towering, hulking, scaly-skinned, hideous, noxious-smelling beast rises from the boiling river. His body is covered with fissures, oozing with black, sticky, tarry gunk smelling almost as bad as Minos (almost). The burning tar leaves several blisters all over his skin, which he pops and eats.

Phlegyas: GOOOODD MORRNNNING ALBUQUERQUE!! It’s Gathriday! And you know what day that is?!

Virgil: Noble river guardian, we request your help crossing this-

Phlegyas: Regional tub-thumping championship!! I’ll go first!!

*Phlegyas squats down in the boiling tar and lets one rip directly at a bunch of angry shades.

Phlegyas: And now the score from our judges!! How would you rate that?


Angry Shade: You didn’t have to do that, IN MY EAR!!

Sullen Shade: Oh, just kill me all over again

Phlegyas: Alright!! Still undefeated champion!!!

*Phlegyas does a victory dance in the tarry sludge, pelvic thrusting in Dante’s and Virgil’s faces.

Dante: AGGHH!! Stop that!! Point that thing somewhere else!!

Phlegyas: That’s what you get for challenging the most rad dood this side of the Styx! Now gimme something to eat!!

Dante: ...Wow. I want to kill him already.

Virgil: Don’t think anyone here hasn’t tried. Present company included. But he is our only way across this river, Dante. Unless you feel like going for a swim.


*Several yards downstream, Dante is frantically shooting through the scalding river like a torpedo as it sears his skin.


Virgil: ...I was just kidding, you know.


*Dante notices ripples shooting through the river and notices something not-at-all-subtly creeping behind him.

Phlegyas: Duuun nuuunn! Dun nun! Dundundundundundun!!

Dante: Oh fuck no...

*Dante swims even faster, but Phlygeas easily catches up with him. The giant guardian picks up Dante and cradles him in his arms as he vainly tries to slash and blast his way free.

Dante: No!! NO!! Put me down!! PUT ME DOWN!!

Phlegyas: Awesome!! I got my very own G.I. Hobo action figure!

Dante: I ain't no action figure, ya dumb lutz!! Leggo!

Phlegyas: And it talks too! What other cool things do you say, G.I. Hobo?

*Phlegyas keeps poking Dante in the stomach, trying to get him to say something else. But to no avail.

Phlegyas: Huh. It doesn't say much other than nasty curse words. But then again, my Tickle-Me-Odysseus doll just screamed the same two things over and over again. Oh! Maybe this is a new Tickle-Me Smelly, Drunk Crusader Guy!

Dante: No! This, this is bullshit!! Damnit, Virgil! Do something!

Virgil: Dante, I know you don't like this. But let's face it. You weren't going to make it very far down a boiling freaking river without him.

Dante: Yer jus' tryin' to screw me over after what happened in Limbo!

Virgil: A little from Column A, and a little from Column B.

Phlegyas: Awesome!! I get to keep him!!

*Phlegyas hugs him tight, accidentally burping in his face.

Dante: Aggghhhhhgghhh!!! Not cool! Not cool! Ya did that on purpose, ya bloated pile o' puke!

Phlegyas: It's my way of saying 'I love you, G.I. Hobo!' Let's go!

*Phlegyas carries Dante off through the river of Styx, skipping every step of the way.

Dante: Oh for the love of-He’s bringin’ me back the way I came!!

Virgil: Stay cool, Dante. You have no idea where you were going in the first place! You just jumped in the river and swam in a random direction! He's the only safe passage to Dis. As long as you don't succumb to rage and despair like all the other shades in this mire, you'll be fine.

Phlegyas: Oh, look! A penny!

*Phlegyas bends over to pick up a penny in the sludge, submerging Dante beneath the scalding river.

Dante: AGGGGGHHHHHHH!! This ain't helpin'!

Phlegyas: Hey! Does he change colors if I dunk him in the water??

*Phlegyas dunks Dante into the boiling river repeatedly, trying to get him to change colors. The only thing colorful coming out of Dante is his vocabulary.

Phlegyas: Ah, phooey! I was hoping he turned fireball fuchsia! But hey, at least I figured out how to get him to say new things!

Dante: Definitely not helpin'!!

Virgil:...Okay, as gratifying as this is, this isn't getting us anywhere. Hang on...Let me think...Oh, I know! Noble Guardian! If you want to find some more action figures, you can find them at-

*Phlegyas snatches up Virgil in his massive claws.

Phlegyas: Cool! My very own Casper the Friendly Ghost! G.I. Hobo! Look what I found! A new boyfriend for you!

Dante: WHAT?!

Virgil: Don't!! DON'T YOU DARE!!

Phlegyas: Kissy time!

*Phlegyas presses Dante and Virgil together making kissy noises all the while.

Phlegyas: Smoochy! Smoochy! Smoochy! I love you, G.I. Hobo! I love you Casper!

GI Hobo: Casper, yer gonna pay fer this!!

Casper: *sobbing* I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!!

*As Dante and Virgil succumb to rage and despair, a whiff of dark smoke materializes next to them.

Lucifer: Oh, there you are, Dante!! Thank goodness! I’ve been looking all over for you!! Listen, how about we just do each other a huge favor and call this whole thing off-

*Lucifer stops and notices Phlegyas towering over them.

Lucifer: Oh for the love of-Why did you wake HIM up?!

Dante: Don’t look at me!! This is all Virgil’s fault!

Virgil: Oh, way to throw me under the bus!! It’s not like you were going to think of a better way to cross this river!

Lucifer: You idiots!! I had him sealed for a reason!! You were supposed to go through Medusa, you dumbasses! As long as you don’t look her in the eye, you could’ve just knocked her out and used her tail as a bridge to cross the river! It runs the whole length!

Dante: What??! *turns to Virgil* Didncha know ’bout that?!

Virgil: ...Oops...

Lucifer: Well, this is a fine mess!! Now what are we going to do- Oh wait a minute. What’s that you got there?

*Lucifer notices the bags of weed that used to be Allighero’s hands and snatches one of them up.

Dante: Whatcha doin’?!

Lucifer: Watch and learn!

*Lucifer throws the bag of weed right into Phlegyas’s face. The bag explodes into an intoxicating green puff of smoke.

Phlegyas: Whooaaa...Did I just fart out of my mouth...? Or did the air fart into mine...? Duuuddde...I just blew my mind!!

Lucifer: Quick! Now's our chance! Take my hand and I'll take you straight to-

Dante: *leaps out of Phlegyas's hands* Last one out is Phlegyas's Ken Doll!!

Virgil: You're telling me!!

*As Dante drops down towards the river, he swings his scythe and cuts down a rotten tree. Using it like a canoe, he frantically paddles across the river with his scythe.

Lucifer: Hey!! Where are you going?! I said I was going to take you Beatrice!! No, wait, wait!

Phlegyas: *looks at Lucifer* Hey!! Stupid grape-flavored burp!! Who let you out?? Get back inside!!


*Phlegyas yanks up a tree and tries to suck Lucifer though it like a bong. Lucifer frantically grabs the edges of the trunk. But his fingers go right through and he gets sucked up.

Lucifer: No!! NO!! NOT LIKE THIS!!

Phlegyas: Ugghh!! You taste like walrus burp!! Warm old walrus burp!! Yucky! Go home!!

*Phlegyas belches up Lucifer, sending him sailing off into the horizon.


*Phlegyas notices Dante paddling away from him and starts chasing after him again.

Phlegyas: Cooooll!! I didn't know G.I. Hobo and Casper had wind-up features! Heehee! Look out! I'm coming for you!

Dante: Tell me we’re close!!

Virgil: We’re almost to Dis’s outer walls!!

*Dante keeps frantically paddling until reaches the shore. As he does, a thick, eerie fog rolls in, covering the landscape. Through the mist, an abandoned, ruined, city filled filthy, rust-covered buildings lies ahead. The streets are nothing but mesh fencing suspended over a dark abyss, with decrepit metal pipes snaking and in and out of it. Several windmills spin off in the distance, slowly and ominously. Several mutilated bodies are chained and tied to the walls and beneath the "streets" with barbed wire, still twitching and convulsing like they're trying to get out.

Dante: YES! We made it halfway through Hell! And I’m playin’ Silent Hill!!

Virgil: You really thought this place wasn't going to show up in Hell at some point or another? I mean, honestly.

????: N-not so f-f-fast...

*But as he reaches the city, several furies and fallen angels guards swoop down to block him.

Fallen Angel: T-t-turn b-back m-mortal. Th-th-there is no p-place for you here.

Dante: Better bouncers than ya have tried kickin' me out, Kermit.

Phlegyas: Heey, was someone calling me? You guys have a hot pig for me to make out with??

Fury: Wait! Is that-?!

Fury: No! It couldn't be! Don't even say his name!

*Suddenly, Phlegyas smashes through the city as he wanders around in a daze!

Fury: IT IS!!


Phlegyas: Sweeeett!! I just wandered into a Godzilla movie!! Look at me! I'm a kaijujuju! ROAAARRR!!

*The fallen angels and furies watch in horror as Phlegyas blithely smashes buildings and tramples denizens alike!



*As the fallen angel and the fury argue, Phlegyas snatches them up in each hand!*

Phlegyas: Now I got my own hero mashers!! Let's mix and match bodyparts and see what rad superheros I can create!

Fury: WHAT??


*Phlegyas gets to work mix and matching his new hero mashers. Meanwhile, the panicking damned run through the streets like chickens with their heads cut off as the fallen angels and furies try to evacuate them.




Virgil: You heard them, Dante! Into the Tombs of Heresy!


Virgil: Dante? Dante??

*Suddenly Dante runs up to Virgil, grinning from ear-to-ear.

Virgil: Oh good lord. What did you do now?

Dante: Sorry to keep ya waitin’. Felt like takin’ the scenic route.

Virgil: This city houses every last violent and malicious sinner in existence. There is no ’scenic route’.

Dante: Says you. That road over there had an asston of bridges connectin’ ’em.

Virgil: Lots of bridges-Oh no, you didn’t.

Dante: Yes I did.

*Dante points to a series of ruined bridges left in his wake. Phlegyas aimlessly smashes through another bridge, sending several damned souls falling into the abyss.

Damned: NOOOOO!!

Virgil: ...Seriously? What is it with you and bridges?? It's not like it's fresh anymore! For you.

Dante: Piss on you! It's still a classic! Ah, crap! Missed one!

*Dante runs off to another bridge and starts jumping up and down.

Dante: Hey mongo! Over here!! Come play with yer ol’ pal, G.I. Hobo!

Phlegyas: Slow down G.I. Hobo! You'll run your batteries out if you keep running like that!

*Phlegyas wanders towards the bridge with his arms outstretched. Dante sprints off the bridge just before Phlegyas smashes through it, sending more damned souls plummeting to their certain doom.

Fury: What was that foooooorrr?!

Dante: Okay, I got all that outta my system. Let’s roll.

Virgil: I’ve said it once. I’m saying it again. But would it kill you to focus more on saving Beatrice and your soul?! A journey of self-discovery and redemption doesn’t mean you have to leave devastation in your wake.

Dante: Hey, I’m learnin’ plenny ’bout myself! I’m learnin’ that I’m a dick. ’N I’m kickin’ sinner ass by the barrellful! If that don' put a smile on God's face, nuthin' does!

Virgil: You haven’t learned a damn thing! That’s the kind of attitude that got you and Beatrice in trouble in the first place! Nobody brought you here so you could make the damneds’ life more miserable! They’re suffering plenty without you!

Dante: ’N now they’re even more miserable. That’s aces in my book, pal. In weepin' and in grievin', may they long remain.

Virgil: Oh for the love of-You’re not even TRYING to look at the bigger picture!

Dante: Sure I am! Once we’re done, Beatrice ’n I are gonna be in yer next skin flick!

Virgil: ARRRGGHH!! Why am I even bothering with you?!!

Phlegyas: G.I. Hobo!! Casper! There you are!! I’m cooooommminnggg!!

Virgil: ...Let's talk about this someplace where we're not being pursued by an annoying frog demon monstrosity.

Dante: Good call.

*Dante and Virgil make their escape into the Tombs of Heresy. Phlegyas mindlessly wanders through the city, smashing buildings to splinters, leaving nothing standing in his wake.

*Elsewhere, in another part of Hell...

Medusa: ...So is that crazy crusader coming any time soon? Ugh! I’ve been waiting here all day!

End Canto VI


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