By Geoff (Dive Man) and Gauntlet (Shadow Man)
(Deep within the bowels of Cossack’s Citadel, away from prying eyes, Kalinka is discussing private matters with some less than savory individuals...)
Snakeman: You want us to WHAT?
Magnetman: You brought us up from the Wily Underground for this??
Shadowman: This is worse than the twist at the end of the last Star Wars movie.
Kalinka: I know it’s absurd. But with half my team being loaned out to Ballade*, it leaves me shorthanded. I don’t even know if this is going to get him off our backs or not. But in the meantime, we do have other work to do. And if there were any other teams we could turn to, we would.
(*See CC Episode 21, Ballade's Battlers!)
Hardman: You can’t be that hard up on other teams. I saw the Androids in the other room.
Magnetman: 'N World's Strongest 'n the Sterling Sentinels are just a phone call away. Why can't they help you?
Kalinka: They wouldn't be very understanding of our situation.
Magnetman: That you're colludin' with a buncha foul-mouthed war crimes on legs and propellers? Believe me, if I could, I'd haul you in, myself.
Kalinka: All things being equal, they blew up my home. I'm not happy they're here, either. But Ballade is going to bother us until the end of time unless he gets to lead his own team. And even though we need the Androids for that, I don't trust them to do our jobs. And I'd also rather the rest of RPD not know this is going on.
Geminiman: (whispering to Shadowman) ...Are we sure these guys really weren’t affiliated with the Scissor Army the whole time?
Kalinka: Like you and those two guys there? (points at Sparkman and Hardman).
Sparkman: ...You walked into that one, Gem.
Shadowman: Just like Disney walked into a pile of crap when they messed with a cultral icon - GEEZ!
Kalinka: If it helps, we don’t need all of you. Just four of you to take our missing team members’ places. Until Ballade’s make-believe team has run its course.
Shadowman: You’re asking us to volunteer? Pfffffft. Not our problem. Don’t care.
Kalinka: You’d be paid.
Shadowman: We’re in. I mean it's better than watching that new Star Wars movie, right?
Needlegal: OH MY GOD! It wasn't that bad!
Shadowman: Wasn't that bad!? Are you kidding me!?
Kalinka: (to Snakeman) What's going on with him?
Snakeman: (to Kalinka) He's been obsessing over this since the last trailer dropped.
Topman: Enough about Star Wars and enough about this job. Why should I stick my neck out for a team that hasn’t fully forgiven me yet? I don’t think you guys are ever going to let me live down what happened to Cossack.
Magnetman: From where I’m sittin’, the ol’ coot had it comin’. All due respects.
Kalinka: Well, Topman, Magnetman, and Hardman talked themselves out of it. How about the rest of you?
Hardman: I didn’t say no!
Kalinka: I answered for you. You’d be paired with Diveman. And you two have trouble playing well with each other.
Snakeman: As opposed to me and Toadman?! We play too well together!! I can’t believe you’d think I’d ever say yes!!
Kalinka: Flippy’s not on this team. We found a replacement. Guaranteed not to try and sweep you off your feet.
Snakeman: Keep dreaming. I wouldn't do it for all the Dr. Pepper in Plano, Texas.
Needlegal: Well, don’t look at me to pitch in. This whole thing is ridiculous. I’m out.
Needlegal: And I think I'll watch the newest Star Wars movie!
Needlegal: You heard me! I don't think it's so bad!
Sparkman: I dunno guys. Is hanging out with a bunch of pinkos worse than hanging out with the Sinister Six and a bunch of terrorist robots in the armpit of Monsterpolis? It’s a lateral move if I ever saw one. At least we get paid and have better housing.
Geminiman: Hmmm. I suppose you are better company than the Sinister Six and Bass’s Posse. If only marginally. I suppose I could be paid to accompany you.
Kalinka: Sigh…Well unfortunately, that still leaves us a member short. I suppose we are going to have to pick one of other the Androids to fill out the ranks. Do you guys prefer Gravity, or Gyro or-
Shadowman: Snake will do it!
Snakeman: What?! No! NO!! Didn’t you hear me?!
Shadowman: This team’s already a heap of nonsense with four Comrades on board. I don’t want it to be a heap of nonsense and madness with an Android in our ranks.
Geminiman: Besides, with you here, our team won’t be in a minority.
Snakeman: So? Pick Magnet! Pick Needle! She’s your sister!! And more importantly, not betrothed to a slimy, drooling, frog!
Shadowman: Exactly. She’s my sister. I would never do this to her. And if you had to live with her, you wouldn’t, either.
Needlegal: And well, you shouldn't. Besides, I want to see that movie without any moaning and groaning.
Magnetman: Guess that settles that. You boys have fun on your wonderful adventure. We’ll keep the lights on fer ya.
Hardman: ...Finally! Some time away from Shadowman's ranting!
Topman: No freakin' kidding.
(Needlegal, Magnetman, Hardman and Topman all depart. Snakeman desperately tries to run off after them. But Shadowman and Sparkman each grab his arms.)
Snakeman: COME BACK HERE, YOU COWARDS!! DON’T LEAVE ME!!
Kalinka: For the last time, Flippy is NOT going to be on the team. I could give it to you in writing.
Snakeman: ...I swear, on Cossack’s grave, if Toadman so much as looks at me, I’m going to cut out your brain and put it in Ballade’s body!
Kalinka: That’s way over the line!!
Snakeman: Say that again when you have to file a restraining order against the frog version of Pepe Le Pew!!
Shadowman: Reel it in, Snake. I sincerely doubt Kalinka is yanking your chain.
Kalinka: No, right now, I’m happy to get all the help I can. Now sit tight until I call you. I’ve been away long enough that the Androids could’ve set fire to something or someone.
(Kalinka departs, living the four remaining Mechs alone. Snakeman shoots Shadowman a pointed glare.)
Snakeman: ...I swear I’m going to make you pay for this, G.
Shadowman: Yeah, I’m not worried.
Geminiman: Yes, Needle’s scarier than you are, Snake. If I were in Gauntlet’s shoes, I would’ve made the same choice.
Sparkman: Guys, guys. This is easy money. An average day with the Comrades ain’t exactly a fight for your life. The worst that’s gonna happen is that we’re all going to sing and dance out of blue for no reason. We got this.
Shadowman: Good point. Let’s focus on the bigger picture here. It’s not like we got anything else to do, we’re getting paid, and it’s not like any team with Ballade is going to hang around for very long. It sounds to me like Kalinka is just hoping one of Androids gets fed up with him and eviscerates him for her. Until then, I think we can manage.
(Later, on the Harrell Oil Rig...)
Giant Suzy: Bow before the might of the Giant Suzy!
Snakeman: Damnit! This stupid thing won’t die!!
Geminiman: It’s like our weapons aren’t doing anything against it!
Shadowman: You guys are kidding me. This thing isn’t weak to ANYBODY’S weapon?
Drillman: (blasting suzies with drill bombs) Well, don’t think we’re having a much easier time over here!! John just called in more reinforcements!
Geminiman: Those are suzies coming in.
Drillman: I KNOW!!
Suzies: You cannot stop the Suzy Uprising!!
(Diveman, Skullman, Dustman and Drillman pour everything they have into the legion of suzy reinforcements rushing towards them!)
Snakeman: This has to be the most humiliating adventure in my life. Ever.
Geminiman: Yeah, well I made out with myself and got turned into a girl. Don’t try to top me on this.
(Giant Suzy pounces on Geminiman’s face, adhering to it as it slams him into the ground.)
Giant Suzy: Another peon falls before the might of Grand High Suzy!!
Geminiman: …I take it back. This is worse.
Diveman: Dude. Is that thing humpin’ yer face…?
Geminiman: DEFINITELY GETTING WORSE!
(Now everyone is unloading their weapons on the Giant Suzy. But the large suzy leaps to a catwalk above them, taking Gemininman with him.)
Giant Suzy: You arrogant peasants!! How DARE you interrupt the courtship of my new queen-to-be!!
Diveman: Bet yer glad to be engaged to Flippy ‘n not that thing, eh?
Snakeman: I don’t know how or why, but we seem to run into a lot more abhorrent admirers when you guys are around (glares at the Comrades).
Drillman: Bah! Pure coincidence and rotten (but deserved) luck! Now quit wasting time! We only have minutes before the embryo is implanted!
Shadowman: …Is he making shit up again…?
Dustman: Don’t want to find out!!
(The group covers the Giant Suzy with as much firepower they can. But it simply either evades or soaks up the damage they deal.)
Giant Suzy: Pathetic! You are only postponing the inevitable!
Sparkman: Fuck this!! Yo, Hoover! Aim your vacuum at that overgrown four-way onahole and crank it! I got an idea!
Dustman: I don’t know what you’re hoping to accomplish. This isn’t really suited for combat purposes. It’s more just to gather raw material for-AGGGGHHH !!!
Sparkman: Commence Operation Vac-U-Suck!
(Sparkman transfers some energy into Dustman, supercharging his vacuum! The force of the vacuum is enough to start worrying Geminiman loose!)
Giant Suzy: What are you-!! NO!! We haven’t exchanged our sacred vows!!
Geminiman: Work faster, Spark! Work faster!
(Spark pours more energy into Dustman, giving him enough force to pull Geminiman free!)
Geminiman: Yes! YES!! I’m free! Freeeee!
Giant Suzy: NO!! My queen!!
(The Giant Suzy chases after Gemini. But unfortunately, he gets caught in the pull of Dustman’s vacuum as well, sending him flying into...)
Geminiman: ...There’s a Dustman on my head.
Sparkman: ...Well, there’s a suzy stuck on my head.
Dustman: And I have a Geminiman stuck in my vacuum and a suzy stuck on my face, if anyone is interested. I hope.
Giant Suzy: This did not work out for anybody.
Diveman: Aw man!! Next time lemme know when ya do sumthin’ like that! I coulda put that shit on Youtube!!
Shadowman: As graceful as that was, we at least got it under control. Let’s slap some cuffs on this thing, or stuff it in a box or whatever and call it a day.
(Suddenly, a loud, spinning blade comes out of nowhere and cleaves the suzy in two! As the dismembered bot lands in pieces, a spiked ball smashes through some steel girders, transforming into-)
Punk: You just got PUNK’D!
Drillman: Now, what's this guy doing here?
Punk: This team needs somebody who kicks ass, apparently.
Skullman: The situation was already handled. Albeit, fairly comically.
Dustman: I'm surprised the comical part registered with you.
Drillman: Really? Is nobody going to tell me what Punk is doing here?? With such a cheap disguise, no less? Is this some sort of ill-conceived attempt to infiltrate our team?
Snakeman: Who knows. Normally, he hangs out with Bass.
Punk: Ha!! He thinks he's cool enough to hang out with me! Just because he and Waltz found a working Nintendo Switch that he won't share with anybody who drank his Monster energy drink. It was the only thing we had in our fridge, damnit! But who cares. I got a cooler posse than his now!
Shadowman: We are NOT your posse.
Mr. Harrell: Well, I don't give a damn who's running this show. I still got four or five other rigs that are having the same problem with these damn suzies!
Geminiman: Four or five rigs?!
(Mr. Harrell pulls out his phone and shows the team footage of his rigs being swarmed by suzies of all shapes and sizes.)
Suzy: Close one eye, four more shall be opened!
Suzy: Four limbs good! Four suckers, better!
Giant Suzy: We hereby claim this land as part of the mighty Suziopolis!!
Snakeman: ...Dear god, there's more of them.
Dustman: ...That suzy's even bigger than the one we dealt with...
Mr. Harrell: Yeah, I dunno what the hell has gotten into these buggers. Last time I contract Powell to update their firmware. But you guys better get a hustle. This footage was taken an hour ago.
Punk: Ha!! Don't worry! Punk's Pugilists can mop the floor with these turds!
Shadowman: Whatever this unholy union is called, it is not called Punk's Pugilists.
Drillman: I agree.
Punk: Don't puss out, gang. They’re just friggin’ suzies. You guys can handle those. Now what the hell are you waiting for?!
Enker: Half a brain and twice the courage if you ask me.
(The team whirl about and stare into the faces of...)
Flashman: Mechs. Cossacks.
Dustman: The ... Super Team?
Flashman: It's the Deam Team! Bastards.
Diveman: *sigh* Right, right. (Like anyone cares.)
Cutsman: Hello there...
Elecman: Oh, boy, it's been a while! How ya been? Eh? EH!?
(Elecman zips around an unimpressed Shadowman.)
Shadowman: Oh. The wannabes.
Iceman: Who wants to be? I wanna be put on ice again. It's too hot out here.
Heatman: I like buuuurning.
Iceman: Oh no! Too hot!
Heatman: Hee hee hee...
Skullman: What are you people doing here?
Enker: What does it look like? Making a name for ourselves!
Enker: You heard me, Punk. The Suzy rebellion is all over the news and we've seen through your plot!
Drillman: You have!? HOW!?
Quickman: We're just that good, pointy.
Flashman: We'll be the ones who save the city and be welcome back into society with open arms! Not you! The Androids and Mechs aren't the only team that can divide and conquer!
Punk: Oh yeah!?
Quickman: You better believe it!
Heatman: Wood'll be so happy once he gets back. I wonder how we'll celebrate...
Bubbleman: Maybe we'll have a pizza party with all out new friends! With everyone from both teams!
Cutsman: A pizza party? Can I request we go to Chucky Cheeses? If we hurry, we can still catch Billy's birthday party...
Quickman: You will not be invited.
Cutsman: I wasn't invited to his birthday party last year, either. But what they don't know won't hurt them...
Geminiman: And I suppose you robots know what you're getting into.
Fireman: They just showed up on our doorstep and roped us into it.
Elecman: I like 'em! They're FUN!
(Elecman bounces all over Quickman.)
Quickman: You are worse than Mr. Whiz!
Bubbleman: I like him!
Flashman: You would!
Enker: It doesn't matter, so long as we come out on top, Electric Guardians!
Punk: Oh yeah!? Let's show 'em what we're made of, Pugilists!
(Later, at a Pizza Hut…)
Punk: I can’t believe you guys wussed out!
Snakeman: We didn't wuss out. We simply outsourced the rest of the job.
Punk: To a bunch of wannabe hosers!!
Snakeman: It wasn't against the rules.
Geminiman: It isn't as far I'm concerned. I’m sure already going to be seeing suzies in my nightmares, as it is.
Skullman: In addition, the news documented our efforts. Nobody can say we didn’t do our part.
Snakeman: Did you really have to tell the reporters that we were your prisoners that you deputized?
Skullman: We needed a cover story. That was the most plausible and simple one.
Punk: Bah! Posers!!
Sparkman: If you say so. Somebody pass me the cheese curds. The ones the size of Diveman’s brain.
Diveman: (narrows eyes) Ya sayin’ these are some honkin’ big cheese curds, or that I got a small brain?
Sparkman: Whichever you like.
Diveman: Yer cruisn' fer a bruisn' ya-
Shadowman: Look, let's talk about something we can all agree on - that the last Star Wars movie was an utter disaster.
Drillman: THANK YOU!
Skullman: Let us agree to put that to bed.
Diveman: Yeah, we've had enough of that outta Drill.
Sparkman: Join the club. We meet Thursdays.
Geminiman: Anyway, it's been a blast. But I think we're done here.
Drillman: Wait just one moment.
Geminiman: What? We've beaten back the Suzys. Well, we beat them back enough.
Diveman: Don't matter. We contracted ya guys to fill out the rest o' our team. 'N they ain't back yet. Ya ain' goin' nowhere.
Snakeman: Aw come one! Can't we just go our separate ways and say we did our job?
Punk: I'm all for that plan. There's this new DC movie out -
Shadowman: Oh, don't even get me started on DC movies!
Sparkman: You know what? We're in for whatever. Let's just steer clear of the movies.
Drillman: Well, there has been one incident that has been bothering me for quite some time. And perhaps you, as former members of the Robot Police department might be able to shine a little light on.
Skullman: You don't mean...
Drillman: Cossack's Creations. That is to say, the team that you worked with before my own was reactivated by Kalinka.
Dustman: I've wondered about them for all this time, too. I second Drill's motion.
Shadowman: Yeah, before the Comrades were rebuilt, there was a team calling itself "Cossack's Creations." They were destroyed in the line of duty, and were replaced by the rebuilt Cossack's Comrades. But I thought that was just Kalinka rebuilding her dad's robots the same way Wily rebuilt his years ago.
Skullman: I am afraid you are in error.
Diveman: We mean too much to the little lady. She'd never up and replace her divinely appointed champion! 'N the rest o' these guys.
Snakeman: I hate to burst your bubble, but we have no knowledge of how they joined the robot police force. Much like any other robot, they just showed up one day, and Crorq welcomed them with open arms.
Geminiman: They came with three dozen Tim Horton's donuhts. Cream and jelly filling. The pig ate them all right there in front of us!
Drillman: FORGET ABOUT THE DONUTS! We need your help in unwinding this conspiracy. It could only have been perpetrated by your old enemy - CHIMERAMAN!
Drillman: You'll recall that we were once hosted in Mesmerman's satellite home.* While we were there, that fiend had his way with our minds. Well, it stands to reason that he managed to obtain our technical specifications from that incident, either from our own interal systems or through our fallen father - Doctor Cossack. He then must have given those plans to General Cutman in order to create monsterous versions of ourselves - HOWEVER - the war ended and those plans were never put to use. In the meantime, we know Chimeraman was active and had rebuilt the Ascendant Androids along with the Scissor Army. It stands to reason he found the plans given to General Cutman by Mesmerman! So he planted the Creations within the Robot Police to sow discord as sleeper agents! IT ALL FITS!
(*Mechanical Manaics Series 6: The Business of War)
Sparkman: Wait, what?
Geminiman: I don't think he had anything like that in place.
Drillman: You'd like to think that, but the two of you were compromised at the time, so naturally you wouldn't know. I propose that we drill deeply into your psyches to discover the truth, once and for all!
Sparkman: No way.
Drillman: WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!?Geminiman: You cannot possibly be serious.
Drillman: IT'S THE ONLY WAY!
Shadowman: Or we could just take a trip to Arty's and ask Chimeraman directly what he was up to. I mean ... That's a lot less violating.
Punk: Yeeeeaahhhhh! Arty's! He lives on this sweet island, right?
(Both teams stare at Punk who remains oblivious to their glares.)
Punk: Hey, he probably has beer! And the new Spin is a total babe. It's decided, men! It's a detour from our fight against the Suzys. But we have to do it. We have to go to Arty's!
Dustman: Why are you still here?
(With that, the team not known as Punk's Pugilists travel to Artilleryman's villa in the Cayman Islands. The team is escorted into a waiting area outside of the fancy mansion they are currently standing in awe of.)
Geminiman: We were rivals.
Shadowman: I know.
Geminiman: We beat him at every turn. He worked for Doctor Wily while we always tried to do the right thing. Always!
Shadowman: Yeah, I know.
Sparkman: Why is it we live like rats in the sewer, while Artilleryman lives like a king!?
Omniman: Because there is a God and he smiles on the noble!
Dustman: Oh, this guy.
Punk: Hey, Omniman! Remember me? Your old pal, Punk?
Omniman: I remember you falling all over yourself trying to impress Bass. Even when a bunch of imposters infiltrated Skull Castle! Speaking of which, what are you doing at my castle?
Artilleryman: Who's castle now?
Omniman: Erm -
Golemman: OMNI BEING RUDE!
Omniman: Well, it's share and share alike! It always has been!
Artilleryman: Yeah, that's easy to say when you bring nothin' to the table. (Artyilleryman turns towards the mishmashed team) What do you people want?
Punk: Got any beer?
Dustman: Actually we're looking to talk to a friend of yours - Chimeraman.
Drillman: We need information, and he's the third best source of information we have available because SOME people just will not be team players and let us pry into their firmware to get the answers directly! Honestly - we ARE paying you people, aren't we?
Skullman: Drillman makes a valid point.
Geminiman: The answer is no.
Punk: Hey, is Spin Woman around?
Artilleryman: Sure, why not?
Punk: Sweet! How's the polish on my armour? Or does she go for the rough and tumble sorta look?
Artilleryman: Wait, what? No, I mean I'll let you lot see Chimeraman!
Omniman: Artillery, you cannot be serious about helping our eternal enemies!
Skullman: Indeed, this seems too easy.
Artilleryman: See? That right there? That 'eternal enemies' crap is what held us back all those years. All you see around you is due to the fact that I am a legitimate buinessman, not some kind of crappy "super villain." It's all about your priorities and the people you work with.
Diveman: *whistles* We got into the wrong line of work.
(At the beach, a smug Chimeraman is all too happy to answer the team's question as he lies on Artillery's private beach, enjoying a drink and watching the waves ...)
Chimeraman: I had nothing to do with 'em.
Drillman: LIAR! It could only have been you - ADMIT IT! WHY ARE YOU LYING!?
Geminiman: It's probably true. He isn't exactly known for his brains. I mean, it took him fifteen years just to revive the Ascendant Androids! And what did he wind up doing with them? Just letting them run wild all on their own with no coordination.
(Chimeaman jumps up and flames spew from his mouth as he retorts.)
Chimeraman: Oh yeah!? You're just jealous! Jealous that I get to live in a mansion, while you and the rest of your stinkin' team have to live in the lowest levels of that rathole city like the cockroaches you are!
Dustman: Oh yeah, this was a terriffic plan!
Punk: Hey, we can sneak into Chimeraman's mansion and -
Diveman: Alright, we settle this right now. Whip 'em out!
Geminiman: Excuse me?
Diveman: Ya heard me. Whip 'em out 'n we'll settle this. Jus' so happens that I got a ruler fer occasions such as these. We can get this outta the way right here, right now!
Shadowman: Holy crap, that's just ...
Snakeman: Ugh, show some standards.
Geminiman: Finally, we agree.
Sparkman: (turning to Dustman) He didn't size you guys up, did he?
Dustman: I wish I could say he didn't...
Chimeraman: I don't see why you're blaming us for this "evil clones" nonsense. Don't you Cossacks have, like, a million enemies? What about Kryptoman?
Dustman: Too stupid.
Chimeraman: Or Ballade?
Dustman: Again, too stupid.
Chimeraman: Or whatzhisface - Wraithman?
Dustman: He's too stupid!
Diveman: Not to mention too dead 'n burnin' in Hell.
Dustman: All of our enemies were too stupid to make copies of us, or they were dead at the time! Or they were just totally indisposed! It has to be someone with some brains, and we only got enemies with any sense recently!
Drillman: Wait. Of course! I know who it could be! Who it MUST be! It's been staring at us right in the face the entire time...
Drillman: (over the phone) You tried to replace us! You tried to replace me!!!! But I am on to you, you son of a bitch! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! There's no denying your secret crimes, this time!
Ringman: (over the phone) Holy crap, what trigered you this time?
Drillman: (over the phone) You're the only enemy of ours with any sense at all, you're the only one with the brains, the knowledge of our construction enough to create doppelganger to enable your secret takeover of the RPD! I see it all so clearly now.
Ringman: (over the phone) I have never built a single robot, ever. As I recall that was you.
Drillman: (over the phone) YOU GASLIGHTING BASTARD! I'll bet you'll accuse Dr. Cossack of doing this next!
Sparkman: Wait, why can't it be Cossack?
Dustman: He was dead at the time!
Skullman: Actually, he was made into a part of Kryptoman and was slowly going insane. He would have the resources needed to make duplicates of every one of us.
Diveman: That don' make no sense. He told us he killed 'em. Us three were there for that (points to himself, Dust and Skull). I was drunk, 'n I still remember!*
(See Mechanical Manaics Series 9 Issue #15, Making Friends Part 3)
Snakeman: That doesn't mean he didn't build them in the first place.
Diveman: Why the hell would he kill 'em if he built 'em in the first place?
Geminiman: You tell me. Sounds like what he tried to do to you guys.
Shadowman: That makes WAY more sense than the last Star Wars -
Snakeman: Not now!
Drillman: Wait, what's going on here? WE HAVE OUR CULPRIT! What more is there to look into!?
(The Mechs and Cossacks turn and see an angry Artilleryman standing before them. Golemman is holding an embarrassed-looking Punk in his massive hands.)
Punk: Uh ... hey, guys.
Snakeman: Hey, Punk.
Artilleryman: We caught your luggage making headway in our fridge. You people have officially work out your welcome.
Skullman: That robot is not with us.
Geminiman: Artillery, surely as former rivals we -
Artilleryman: GET OFF OF MY PROPERTY!
Skullman: Let us just go. There is nothing else here we can do.
(The Not Pugilists all file out of Arty’s mansion, shooting withering glare at Punk.)
Punk: You hosers! You think this is the nicest place I’ve been kicked out of??
Sparkman: Yeah, you tell him.
(The team that is in no way Punk's Pugilists regroups at an Arby's, still empty thanks to the Suzy invasion. Outside, people are screaming about mushrooms, but the team pays them no heed. Instead, they help themselves to some food (which Skull makes sure to pay for) and sit to make a plan of action.)
Dustman: So, now we're tracking down Cossack? Do we even know where to look for him?
Drillman: Don't look at me. I'm not the one who almost offered him a non-existent spot on my team. (glares at Shadowman)
Geminiman: To be fair, as Kryptoman, he's more fun and charming than you guys are.
Snakeman: Well, up until he went crazy and tried to assimilate all of Monsteropolis. But up until then, he was a blast.
Shadowman: We don't have to find him, we just need to have a little chat. You guys just need to keep quiet a little while and let us handle this.
(Shadowman whips out his cell phone and puts it on the table, on speaker.)
Skullman: You cannot be serious. There is no way he would be this easy to -
Kryptoman: (over the phone) Hello? Shadowman? Is it really you!?
Sparkman: And me too. How ya doing?
Kryptoman: Oh! You too!? So ....There's no hard feelings?
Geminiman: You mean for trying to assimilate us and the entire city while you were at it? No. No, we live literally underground where all of our neighbors have tried to kill us, most more than once. At this point, holding grudges seems rather pointless.
Geminiman: Yeah, I'm letting my point stand.
Kryptoman: Oh! Oh!!! (starts holding back tears) You're so much nicer than those horrible, horrible Cossacks! Why, if they had shown me even a tenth of the kindness you have -
Dustman: (whispering) He's acting like he hasn't been trying to kill us - He could have just - !
Geminiman: Say, you aren't still playing house to Doctor Cossack's brain, are you?
KryptoCossack: I'm still here, if that's what you mean. What do you people want? I am not as trusting as my "roommate."
Shadowman: We were just thinking it'd be hilarious if we could make our own version of the Cossacks. You know, to really mess with them. You were responsible for those Cossack's Creations right?
KryptoCossack: NO! I am through with that set of numbers, do you hear me!? And, for the last time I had nothing to do with those copies of my work except destroy them!
Geminiman: Really? Because -
KryptoCossack: And while Kryptoman might want to be friends with you, I haven't forgotten the way you killed me, you bastards! Do you think I'd ever help you!? You of all people!?
Shadowman: Well, you know, teaming up with a genocidal madman -
KryptoCossack: This is not a discussion, and we are not friends! Don't call me again!
(KryptoCossack slams the phone and it clicks off.)
Geminiman: Well! There's another grudge holder for you.
Dustman: I guess ... It really was a waste.
Drillman: What is not a waste is finding out just how closely you Mechs are tied to our greatest enemies.
Shadowman: Uh, hello? We're criminals! Of course we'd make criminal connections.
Drillman: *Humph* I'll be keeping my eyes on you.
Geminiman: In the meantime, we're back to Square One before we're even out the door.
Shadowman: At least we didn't venture to Monte Carlo World or Luke Skywalker's Celtic island planet just to get nothing done.
Snakeman: Seriously? Is this the only contribution you're going to make?
Skullman: The movie is not that recent anymore, anyway.
Shadowman: Well, I can keep going! I could feel the life getting sucked out of me every minute Finn and Rose were on that stupid planet! We had to spend forty-five minutes for them to run space camels through the casino! Because why? Because everyone in it made weapons for the Empire!
Drillman: Like that one horse operation, Black Lo-!!
(Drillman stops in mid-rant as his eyes light up.)
Dustman: Did his batteries run out?
Sparkman: God, I hope so.
Drillman: I got it!! I know who’s behind this!!
Drillman: Black Lotus!!
Diveman: Ha!! Fat chance. They're dead. I killed 'em.
Snakeman: Dare I ask? Who are they?
Skullman: Discussing further events involving interactions with Black Lotus is not recommended at this time.
Snakeman: Why not? We gotta know about these jokers, don't we?
Skullman: Hm. I suppose the statute of limitations has passed by now.
Dustman: They're your standard shadowy organization. They had kidnapped Zapper and made her into a cyborg.* They seemed to think humanity would be better off as cyborgs.
(*Good luck finding this Horsemen of the Earth Crisis adventure)
Dustman: Good question, I dunno. Anyway, when she rebelled and joined a couple of teams, they went and killed her in this big fight. After that, they got a little random. Stuff like making a Death Lappy and stealing old plans from us.
Sparkman: And that bullcrap helps them make cyborgs, how?
Dustman: No clue. They were also involved in raising Zymeth from the dead and making a clone of him - Wraithman. They made him look like Skullman even before we met up with Zy, which was pretty good foresight on their part if you ask me.
Snakeman: Oh, that guy. He made money selling corpses and such during the war, right?
Geminiman: But ... How does raising Zy and making Wraithman help them make cyborgs!? And why would making people into cyborgs help them? And if they've made one successful one, you'd think they'd have a bunch of notes that would help them replace her. And if they just can't crack that nut, why didn't they just quit and do something more productive with their time!?
(Dustman throws up his hands in sheer frustration.)
Dustman: I don't know! I don't have those answers!
Diveman: 'N it don' matter since they're all dead.
Shadowman: When did that happen?
Diveman: (lights a cigarette) Heh. That tale's a little off the books. Caused a bit o' a stink at the time. 'Fore the old team split, we figured out where they were hidin' out. 'N while the group was focused on things like 'Warrants' 'n 'Probable Cause', Regs, Skully, an' me rushed in 'n took care o' business. Aleksandra Bridge style. (Blows out a puff of smoke.)
Skullman: Sean here was kind enough to get us out of out legal woes. I admired the way he abused due process for our own benefit.
Shadowman: *sigh* I miss those days.
Snakeman: I miss the days when we didn't have to!
Shadowman: I don't seem to recall days when we didn't have to cover something up.
Geminiman: And whose fault is that?
Shadowman: Mostly, I blame Topman. But don't tell him.
Sparkman: Pfffft...If these guys can't figure out how to a build cyborg, I'm betting making a robot with a vacuum cleaner on his head or a horny robot frog is waaaaay out of there league.
Dustman: Like I said, they had access to our schematics.
Geminiman: From what?!
Dustman: …Project Stonehenge.
Snakeman: Project what, now?
Dustman: It was a plan that Regulus, Pluto and I came up with. We pooled our resources together in order to build super soldiers.
Geminiman: From what?
Dustman: Salvaged SA Joes, Cossack technology, Blue Fox technology, and whatever scrap would could procure during the war.
Sparkman: …Your plan was to mix raw sewage with stagnant pondwater to get Evian?
Dustman: Go ahead and laugh, but we were making great progress. Until Black Lotus swiped our research and used it to make super soldiers of their own. One of which they sent to wipe us out. *
(*See Cossack's Comrades Season 4 Epilogue 16 Project Stolen Stonehenge Start.)
Geminiman: Well, I guess you’ll have to build some other crazy powerful robot to do your laundry and rub your feet.
Drillman: A gross oversimplification of what I built Kryptoman for. Even if I hoped that was one of the things he’d do.
Shadowman: So, it sounds like they got the schematics and the resources. The jury's out as to whether they got the brains.
Diveman: Didncha hear me? I toldja they're deader than the Aleksandra Bridge. 'N the horse yer beatin'.
Skullman: Not necessarily. There could be other facilities we never knew about.
Geminiman: Again, not that we know where to look for them.
Drillman: …Or do we…?
(Later, the team is outside of an absurdly ornate house with an elaborate garden that's not far from Cossack's Citadel.)
Dustman: Wow, this place takes me back.
Diveman: I know. Feels like yesterday I stole this guy's car, drove it through his livin’ room wit a trunk fulla bootleg playstations.
Drillman: You had bootleg playstations in his trunk?
Diveman: Ah, I knew got away wit one o’ those dirty deeds...
Snakeman: Really?? THAT'S the only thing wrong with that story?
Sparkman: Come on, guys. Seriously? Does this look like a secret hideout to you?
Drillman: What are you expecting? If they made it obvious, it wouldn't be a secret!
Sparkman: ...The sad part is, you ain't wrong.
Shadowman: Fine. You go ring the door. You’re the officer in charge, right?
Drillman: Indeed, I am!!
(Drillman marches toward the front door while the Mechs communicate through their internal radio.)
Snakeman: Why are we going along with this?! This is clearly another dead-end!
Shadowman: I don't care if we get to the bottom of this or not. We get paid either way. If he wants to waste his time and money making a fool of himself, let him. As soon as Ballade's done borrowing the other Comrades, we're splitting.
Sparkman: Let's not be in too much of a rush, boys. It's not like we have a nicer home than this to go back to.
(Drillman knocks on the door, and an angry, foppish man comes out. He gasps and doubles back as soon as he sees who it is.)
Drillman: That’s right. Remember us? We remember you. Black Lotus.
Pertwee: I beg your pardon??
Drillman: It was staring me in the face this whole time. How could Black Lotus be one step ahead of us for so long after the War? Right around the same time you moved in next door to us, no less. Next to a giant citadel. In the middle of a frozen Russian tundra. Only somebody who’d WANT to be our neighbors would choose to move to that particular spot!!
Pertwee: Preposterous! I was so desperate to get away from those wretched Huddles, that I’d move anywhere! I told them for years, I’d do it! And they didn’t believe me!
Drillman: Perhaps. But that doesn’t explain the garden.
Pertwee: I’ll have you know, I have a green thumb! I’m won the blue ribbon every year at the Centralia Garden Festival!
Drillman: Having a green thumb is one thing. That doesn’t explain how you can have a garden, much less, one as lively and colorful as this one….Using conventional gardening.
Drillman: It’s over. You gave yourself away. Now that I have a chance to inspect your garden, you have all sorts of plants that no ordinary gardener could find on his own. Taraxacum officinale, Leucanthemum vulgare, Bufo americanus. Plants that have been extinct since 2010. And the Centralia Garden Festival? Centralia hasn’t had a garden festival ever since John started an underground coal fire that ended up vacating the town. And if it was still around, they’d give you the Golden Sunflower. Not just a blue ribbon.
Dustman: ...Oh brother.
Geminiman: Seriously, this is painful to watch.
Drillman: So, Black Lotus. Pleasure to make your acquaintance at long last.
(Pertwee starts giggling and the mechs just stare.)
Snakeman: No. No freaking way.
(Pertwee laughs uncontrollably for a few moments before the stunned group before finally regaining his composure.)
Pertwee: Rest assured, the pleasure is all mine.
Geminiman: …Get the fuck out of here…He was right?!
Sparkman: …Even a broken clock is right twice a day, Gem.
Pertwee: After, what, over twenty years, it took you this long to realize we were at your doorstop this whole time? I wish I could say congratulations. But you took so long putting the pieces together, that I almost lost interest altogether. Almost.
Diveman: Well, what are we wain’ fer?!
(Diveman unleashes a barrage of dive missiles at Pertwee. But the flowers all come alive and knock them out with thorns and vines!)
Pertwee: Buuuuttt, better late than never! Why don’t you step inside? We have a lot of catching up to do. After all, Stonehenge is waiting for you.
(Pertwee slips back into the house, as the rest plants in the garden come alive and start snapping at the team, shooting explosive seeds and spiked vines at them. So far, the team manages to hold them back with their combined firepower.)
Geminiman: I seriously can’t believe you guys never knew Black Lotus was your next-door-neighbor.
Dustman: If you lived next door to him, you wouldn’t believe it either. Just seemed to prissy to be an actual villain.
Skullman: The joke is on him. He had over twenty years to destroy us from this location. And yet, he failed to capitalize on that.
Shadowman: I don’t think any of you guys come out of this looking good.
Punk: Hey yo! Are we gonna fight these pansies, or are we gonna have tea all day?!
Snakeman: Alright. You go first.
Punk: You don’t tell me what to do!
Snakeman: You want to charge in. You’re the one covered with sharp objects. You should be able to mow through that garden like a lawnmower.
Punk: Ha!! Get a load of this guy! He’s too chicken to fight a bunch of pansies!
Shadowman: Oh, for fuck’s sake!!
(Shadowman shadow warps from one end of the garden to the front door. Snakeman and Drillman tunnel underneath the garden, creating tunnels large enough for their respective teams to follow through.)
Drillman: There. Problem solved.
Punk: Hey! Where do you guys think you’re going without me?!
(Punk chases after the team as they enter the house, not even bothering to hold the door for him.)
Dustman: Well? Any idea where to look for this guy?
Shadowman: It's not that big of a house, and there's eight of us here.
Punk: Nine of us, hoser!
Shadowman: ..Eight of us who count. As long as we leave no stone unturned, we'll find something.
Geminiman: ...We could go through this secret door he left open.
(Geminiman gestures to an enormous open grandfather clock with a teleporter inside.)
Sparkman: Now that's what I call considerate.
Skullman: He knows there is no point in continuing the charade. He wants to finish what he has started.
Drillman: But no reason to walk right into an open trap!
Snakeman: I wouldn't push your luck, Drill.
Shadowman: Hold on. It is a little too convenient. And it’s not like we're not racing the clock or anything. Let's see if there's another way-
Punk: See ya down there!
(Punk jumps in the teleporter, presses a button and disappears.)
Geminiman: No!! Damnit!! You're going to get yourself killed!!
Skullman: This is a problem?
(The team all piles in behind Punk and find themselves in a white, pristine room.)
Snakeman: What were you thinking?!
Punk: What?! It's just a white room. There's no death spikes, or collapsing ceiling-
(Suddenly, the wall behind them slides open to reveal...)
Grimtooth: I was wondering when you'd show up.
Strelet: Only twenty years late, no less.
Punk: Oh shit!!!
(Punk tucks himself into a ball, while Strelet opens fire and Grimtooth charges with his saws. Skullman blocks the opening with a skull barrier, protecting the rest of the team.)
Drillman: I warned you!
Sparkman: We listened! He didn't! (Points to Punk)
Dustman: We still need an opening-
(Suddenly, Shadowman shadow warps behind the two robots and hits them in the back.)
Shadowman: You got one.
Grimtooth: Hmph. Wasn't expecting that.
Geminiman: Were you expecting these?
(Snakeman fires a bunch of search snakes that go around the doorway, while Geminiman fires a gemini laser that rebounds around the skull barrier. The snakes slam into Strelet, while the laser rebounds into Grimtooth, sending them reeling.)
Snakeman: That hit him a lot harder than I thought it would.
Geminiman: Could it be they're weak against our weapons?
Skullman: They were not built with you four in mind. (points to the Mechs.)
Snakeman: Well, let's use that to our advantage!
(Snakeman and Geminiman concentrate their fire against the super soldiers. They both crumple to the ground in a matter of seconds.)
Grimtooth: C-curse y-you...
Strelet: ...All those years waiting-
(Suddenly both robots get swiftly decapitated by a pair of screw crushers!)
Punk: You just got PUNK'D!!
Shadowman: ...Good for them.
Punk: Hey! We were supposed to say that together! That's what makes it awesome!
Diveman: Keep dreamin’.
Dustman: Well, that was anticlimactic. Last time, it took all of us just to bring that one down (points to Grimtooth).
Sparkman: Well, what do you expect out of scrap and busted SA Joes? Like I said, don't taste like Evian.
Drillman: Let's press on. We still got a lot of ground to cover.
(The nine bots continue down the corridor of a surprisingly high-tech laboratory, complete with operating rooms with half-operated machine/human hybrids on the table, and cells filled with human and robot test subjects.)
Dustman: Any of this look like the Black Lotus lab you raided, Dive?
Diveman: ...Brick fer brick. How the hell did I not stumble 'cross a secret teleporter leadin' to Pertwee's house the first time?!
Snakeman: Yeah, but is it just me or does this place look a bit shoddy? I mean, just look at the dust on all this.
Dustman: That is indeed a fine, 100% grade A dust right here, the kind you only get from secret, evil, labs.
(Snakeman gives Dust a dry look.)
Dustman: You gotta own your name. Own it!Shadowman: Still amazed that Black Lotus was practically in your backyard the whole time, and you never knew.
Diveman: Yeah?? How many years did it take ya to get that missin’ Technodrome eyeball back?
Shadowman: That was COMPLETELY below the belt!!
Diveman: (Lights up a cigarette) Yep.
Sparkman: … Eyeball?
Geminiman: Don't ask.
Dustman: Hey guys. Take a look at this.
(Gemini motions the group over towards the window. Inside, they can see dozens of Drillmen, Ringmen, Skullmen and other Cossack robot masters hanging from a ceiling.)
Dustman: …Looks like we’re on the right track.
Snakeman: (backs away) So many Toadmen! Just keep them away from me!
Skullman: I believe that only Flippy had any sort of infatuation with you.
Snakeman: Whatever, I'm wiping their programs ASAP!
Shadowman: To be fair, their smiles are unsettling enough.
Punk: Aw, this is boring. Nobody's here! I thought this place would be crawling with creeps we could kick around. But we've just found a buncha deactivated robots, stupid lab equipment, and loads of nothing.
Diveman: This place always was kinda lax with their security. But even this is pretty dang ridiculous.
Yin: So sorry that you find our abode so disappointing.
Yang: We, in fact, have experienced setbacks of our own. Setbacks that you people have seen fit to remedy.
Shadowman: Oh? So blowing up Grimtooth and Starlet helped you guys out?
Snakeman: I think his name was Strelet.
Shadowman: Oh, who cares.
Yin: What!? You destroyed Grimtooth!? And Strelet both!?
Yang: No matter! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH! You've brought our progeny back to us!
Yin: The one and only Lord Zymeth! The one you fools call Skullman! Well done, Anime Master, well done! We may have lost Wraithman permanently and Zapper Gamma may be gone as well. But the undead necromancer, Lord Vincent Zymeth, former ruler of Verdane, the Murderer King, and the Dark Energy he harnesses, was always our best hope. Well done, our secret servant!
Yang: Your resurrection was a fortuitous accident for it brings with it the Dark Energy we need. And now, we finally have you in our grasp! And now, once we capture you, we can finally use the Dark Energy you possess for our own ends. At last! At long last, we can use that energy to control the population like the sheep they are!
Yin, Yang: AND BLACK LOTUS CAN REAIGN SUPREME!
Skullman: Actually, Zymeth died.
Skullman: A long time ago.
Yin: And you aren't him!?
Skullman: Negative. I was brought online fairly quickly after Zymeth's demise.
Yang: Damn it!
Diveman: Wow, you people suck.
Yang: WE DO NOT SUCK!
Yin: Drillman! De - erm, you are "Anime Master", right?
Yin: Good. DESTROY THEM!
Yin: I said destroy them!
Drillman: Uh, how about no?
Yang: But, the code we implanted in you. Isn't it ... ?
Shadowman: What are these people talking about?
Drillman: I have no idea.
Yin: We had Grimtooth shoot you! Then we planted subcommands into your system!
Drillman: I ... wait! I remember! That was just about when I left the team*
(* CC Season 4: The Once and Future Drill)
Drillman: But I had given up my armour after that and was destroyed and then rebuilt and, well, I guess all of that fixed whatever it was you did. I came here all on my own, not because of any programming you may or may not have put into me.
(Diveman bursts into hearty laughter.)
Diveman: AW HAH HAH HAH HAH! Ya really do suck!
Yin: WE DON'T!
Geminiman: You kinda do.
Shadowman: Even the Sinister Six's stupid revenge plot came together better than yours. And that stalled for fifteen years too!
Yin: We have another card yet to play! A rejected Zapper model.
Dustman: Oh, no you didn't.
(Yin and Yang smile in the creepiest way possible.)
Yang: Oh yes we did. You see, while Zapper Gamma was our most successful attempt at making a human / robot hybrid, we didn't just stop.
Yin: (Not right away anyway)
Yang: We have one, last, Zapper to hurl at you. A near perfect clone of poor Elizabeth.
Yin: He means "Zapper" you ass!
Snakeman: You didn't even know her real name!?
Diveman: I dunno, maybe I was passed out when they mentioned it.
Yin, Yang: COME FORTH NINTENDO ZAPPER!
(One of the dust covered tube busts open and a somewhat familiar form strides into the room with a gleeful look on her face.)
Nintendo Zapper: Wanna play a game!? 1 l-uv gmz!
Diveman: Alright. This jus' stopped bein' funny.
Yang: It was never funny. Attack, our helpmeet!
Punk: WAIT! HOLD ON!
(Punks runs up to Nintendo Zapper.)
Punk: It doesn't have to be this way, babe. Why don't you let me take you outta here? I know this great place - Walkman's bar. Everybody knows your name there! Whadya say?
(Nintendo Zapper blasts Punk with a powerfully powerful blast from her blasting arm.)
Nintendo Zapper: 1 w@nt o-y R3V'G!! YOU SAID IT, MAN! TIME TO GET SCHOOLED, ASSHOLES!
(Nintendo Zapper zaps at Diveman, Dustman, Skullman, and Geminiman before they can properly react. But Skullman throws up a barrier and Shadowman ducks into the shadows before they can be hit.)
Skullman: Do not expect to get any mercy for emulating one of our fallen teammates.
Nintendo Zapper: Oh, don't think you'll get mercy either, replacement!
(Nintender Zapper is knocked off her feet by Shadowman and he attacks from behind. But the robot recovers quickly and pummells him with a series of quick blows.)
Shadowman: Guhhh! Resillient thing, aren't you?
Nintendo Zapper: Zpprz made 2 lzt!
(Nintendo Zapper blasts at Shadowman and the other approaching Mechs.)
Nintendo Zapper: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF YOU! STAY OUT OF IT! I WT Z CKKKAKS!
Diveman: Ya wanna genuine Cossack beatdown, ya got it! Yer jus' a cheap copy o' an ol' pal o' mine! 'N I mean ta smite ya down wit the righteous fury o' God herself!
Nintendo Zapper: Oh, so there are friends you care about? How lucky they are that you haven't abandoned and replaced them!
Diveman: The fuck are you goin' on 'bout?
Nintendo Zapper: FUCK YOU!
(Nintendo Zapper throws herself at Diveman, but Drillman intercepts from underneath, gouging a scar into her.)
Drillman: We'd never do such a thing!
Skullman: Indeed. We Cossacks have a code of honor. Unlike you vile Black Lotus monsters.
Dustman: (laying into Nintendo Zapper with fists filled with rage) That's right! Being a Cossack means you stand for your friends! You stand for treating people a certain kind of way - the right way!
Nintendo Zapper: Oh you BASTARD! I kzzzzz I HATE yzz rrr I'M GONNA erzmffdhskjsfdjnafdjda snadfn fd dgljHGHJKBJDNDJH !
(As Nintendo Zapper spasms in conflicting rage Skullman siezed the moment and attacks.)
Skullman: Good work, Dustman! Your hypocracy has created the opening we needed!
Diveman: Works for me!
(Diveman barrels right into Nintendo Zapper submarine style.)
Dustman: Erm, I really wasn't being hypocritical, was I?
Nintendo Zapper: You idiots don't recognize me, do you!?
Drillman: Sure we do! You're a clone of one of our treasured comrades!
Nintendo Zapper: I was one of your "treasured comrades"! I'm Shadowy and with me is Err! H3110 JEKZ!
Nintendo Zapper: That's right. You thought we were dead and gone! But we've survived all this time as a pair of Net Navis!
Nintendo Zapper: No it is not "sweet"! Especially now that Net Navi technology is incompatable with almost everything! We've been stuck on Black Lotus' servers almost forever! I+ SKZ! Damn right it sucks, Err! But Nintendo Zapper doesn't have a fully functioning personality, so that leaves that space free for the two of us to take over and have OUR REVENGE!
Sparkman: Wait, revenge for what?
Nintendo Zapper: Both of us were Skullman at one point, but our so-called Comrades abandoned us both when it suited them!*
(*Shadowy's departure was in CC Series 2, Issue 1 and Err's was in Series 3, Issue 1.)
(The Mechs all turn towards the Comrades.)
Shadowman: Is that true!?
Snakeman: Did you really just ditch two of your Skullmen?
Geminiman: I've never heard of something like that happening.
Sparkman: That's Sinister Six level garbage right there.
Skullman: You wouldn't, uh, abandon me online, would you?
Dustman: THEY WERE JERKS! They were jerks who drove everybody away and I'm not sorry we're rid of them!
Nintendo Zapper: YOU BASTARD! K11 U!!!
Diveman: Aw, shaddap you crybabies!
Nintendo Zapper: Do you know why this body's called "Nintendo Zapper?" It's because it's programmed with the AI of all the greatest Nintendo games! We inhabit a warrior with an unbeatable set of skills and the minds of Navis obsessed with vengeance against you! U W!L N0+ SURVIV MAKE UR T1M3! AHH HAH HAH HAH HAH!
(At that point Nintendo Zapper is biscected by a transformed Punk crashing right into her when she least expected it. The robot then stands triumphant over the deactivated cyborg.)
Punk: You just got PUNK'D!!
Drillman: Hey! You actually did something useful!
Geminiman: Yeah ... You totally put down your old teammates who had legitimate complaints instead of talking things out or apologizing.
Diveman: Look, shiny. The Good Book itself tells us, 'Any soul who pals up with Black Lotus gets a swif' kick ta to the balls, 'n cap in their ass. Geoffrey, 31:08'
Shadowman: I can definitely tell you that is NOT actual passage in the Bible.
Geminiman: What slays me is that you're technically down a Toadman. It never occurred to you to offer one of them Flippy's spot?? Are they really that much worse than he was??
Diveman: Nope. 'N yes, they are.
(As they were arguing, Snakeman had his snakes quickly scan the body. After he finishes downloading their diagnostics and makes his report.)
Snakeman: Well, that thing must have had a lan line in its tube since it has no wifi. If those two guys were Net Navis, my guess is that they're trapped in there right now.
Diveman: (lights up a cigarette) So much fer those two.
Skullman: For the record: I will not allow such a fate to befall me.
Drillman: Seriously, Skull, they were jerks. Don't let them bother you. But if we're lucky, we can ditch John the same way.
Punk: Those two twins left while we were fighting that hot babe. Let's go after them, team!
Skullman: You are not our leader.
Shadowman: Agreed! Let's go after him, team!
Drillman: You're not the leader either!
Geminiman: Let's just go.
(The joint team heads deeper into the base of Black Lotus wondering what new disturbing revalations await them. Along the way, Diveman is smashing random windows, kicking various doors, and throwing trashcans down the hallway.)
Snakeman: ...Is this even remotely constructive?
Diveman: I’m so pissed off Yutz and Putz are still alive! I snapped their necks with my bare hands! They were dead! They were dead, ‘n I was happy!
Geminiman: We’ve felt the same way about any number of our villains. Not the least of which, the Sinister Six.
Diveman: But this was one o’ golden moments back in the ol’ days!* It was one o’ the reasons why God tapped me to be her go-to man! ‘N it turns out it was bullshit! It’s like goin’ to a strip club with $400 in singles, ‘n findin’ out it’s been bought out by a family restaurant! Or orderin’ hard vodka ‘n gettin’ a milkshake!!
(*In an unseen and unwritten adventure!)
Dustman: ...Four hundred dollars in singles??
Diveman: I party HARD at those joints.
Sparkman: Hm, maybe you are a guy after my own heart. But uh, no need to size me up to know that.
Shadowman: Well, between the lot of us, we should be able to do it right, this time.
(Suddenly, Ringman and Toadman leap out in front of the group, hurling ring boomerangs and releasing rain flushes!)
Ringman?: That’s what you think!
Toadman?: We’re going to bury you alive down here!
Drillman: AGGHH! I knew it!! John was in league with Black Lotus the whole time!!
Snakeman: (Dives behind Sparkman) YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!
Sparkman: (firing spark shocks) What a hero, Snake.
Geminiman: (firing gemini lasers) Don’t be stupid, guys. These must be the Cossack Clones. Yutz and Putz must have switched them on.
Drillman: Not likely! If there was ever a time John would reveal his loyalties to Black Lotus, this would be the time!
Skullman: (blocks a rain flush with a skull barrier) I find Geminiman’s explanation far more probable.
Dustman: Especially since there’s more of them coming from behind!
(A dive missile and a drill bomb slams into Punk and the cowering Snakeman)
“Drillman”: For Black Lotus!
“Diveman”: For Black Lotus!!
Dustman: They got us pinned down!
Shadowman: Oh, come on. If Kryptoman can kill them all by himself, how hard can they be?*
(*In yet another unseen and unwritten adventure set before the Comrades returned!)
Drillman: Kryptoman’s not exactly a pushover!
Skullman: He has yet to kill us.
(The joint team returns fire against the Cossack imposters. Surprisingly, they seem to go down with ease, as they get blown to pieces.)
Sparkman: Aw, don’t tell me they built these using scrap and SA Joes, too. It’s not good for everything, or anything you know!
Dustman: Look, Diveman’s all the asshole we need. Don’t try and top him.
Diveman: Ya tell ‘em, Hoover Breath!!
Snakeman: Uhhhh, guys? I don’t think we’re out of the woods, yet.
(The Cossack Imposters start getting back up, as the reattach their lost limbs, and even their heads!)
“Dustman”: Ready for round two?
Geminiman: ...This might actually be a problem.
Shadowman: Wait a second...
(Shadowman shadow warps behind Toadman and cleaves his head off with his Shinobigatana. The body keeps moving, but Shadow pulls the face off revealing…)
Skeleton Joe: SKELETON WARRIORS!!
(The other “Cossacks” rip off their masks revealing that they are skeleton joes, as well!)
Skeleton Joes: DA-NANANA! NANANA!
Geminiman: Hm. You were right Spark. There would be singing and dancing.
Sparkman: ...Could’ve hoped for prettier dancers.
Shadowman: THIS is what you did with the Cossacks’ schematics?! Made a bunch of Cossack costumes for a bunch of skeleton joes?!
Yin: (over loudspeaker) Yes!! With the skeleton joes’ undying tenacity, and the Cossack’s might, we have created the perfect undying army!! None can stand before us!
Yang: It is the ultimate fusion of necrotic tissue, cybernetics, and Cossack’s schematics!
Geminiman: …Only the minds at Black Lotus. What will they think of next?
Skullman: Skeleton Joes do not contain necrotic tissue or cybernetics.
Yin: Well, they still outnumber you a hundred to one. That’s good enough for us.
Skeleton Joes: Skeleton WARRIORS!!
(Dozens more “Cossacks” pile into the hallway, firing their respective weapons!)
“Cossacks”: DA-NANANA!! NANANAA!!
Skullman: (glances at “Skullman”) A robot skeleton dressed up as a robot skeleton? Is that not somewhat redundant?
Sparkman: I think he was hoping you’d sing along with him, Skull.
(The team presses together, as they try to weather the onslaught of the “Cossacks”. But unfortunately, the Cossack-theme skeleton joes still have them outnumbered. And those that go down don’t stay down for very long.)
Punk: Oh, come ON! There’s no way a bunch of boners playing dress up is more than we can handle!!
Skullman: They have greater numbers. And without Flippy, we do not have an efficient way to clear them out all at once.
Shadowman: And might I add, you could be doing your part. You haven’t thrown a single screw crusher since you came down here.
Punk: ...It’s a narrow hallway! You guys are in my way! I might hit one of you! My posse ain’t nothing if not irreplaceable!
Diveman: Well, if ya ain’ gonna join the party, the party’s gonna come ta ya!
(Diveman tackles Punk and forcibly stuffs him inside his own ball!)
Punk: HEY!! What are you-
Diveman: (Punching Punk) Stay still!!
(Grabbing Punk, Diveman stuffs him into Dustman’s vacuum and pulls Sparkman over.)
Dustman: …What. What are you doing? What is your plan exactly? I needed that to shoot dust crushers and-
Diveman: I got a better plan. Do yer thing, Sparkles!
Sparkman: Oh, I like what you’re thinking!!
(Sparkman charges Dustman with a surge of energy! Dustman’s charged-up vacuum shoots the Punk ball like a cannon, scattering the “Cossacks” ahead like bowling pins!)
Sparkman and Diveman: You just got PUNK’D!!
Snakeman: I never thought I’d be happy to hear that.
Dustman: ...Again, it would’ve been nice if you gave me a head’s up before you did that.
Sparkman: I’m probably going to do it again one more time. There’s your warning.
Drillman: Let’s go! They’re not going to be down for very long!!
(Diveman, Drillman and Geminiman cover the rest of the team’s escape, as they run through the path Punk cleared for them. By the time they get past the gauntlet, Shadowman is already waiting for them.)
Shadowman: What took you so long?
Geminiman: Now you’re just showing off.
Shadowman: I could’ve done that anytime during the fight. I should get credit for sticking with you until you all were safe.
Punk: Uhhhh? Guys? Little help?
(Punk is stuck in the wall, vainly trying to wiggle himself free.)
Drillman: I say we leave him up there.
Shadowman: Works for me.
Skullman: I suggest we take him with us. We might need to shoot him at someone else.
(Sparkman charges up Dustman’s vacuum, sucking him out of the wall, and into Dustman’s vacuum.)
Dustman: It’s bad enough you keep doing this without permission. It’s worse that you’re having more fun with my vacuum than I am.
Snakeman: Tell me we’re at least getting close to the inner sanctum.
Diveman: Just ‘round the corner.
(Diveman points to a set of blast doors just around the corner.)
Dustman: What do you think is on the other side waiting for us?
Geminiman: If it’s anything like the other traps we’ve endured, it’s probably a joke and/or a monument to your sins as a team.
Diveman: Man, I hope it’s the secon’ one.
Sparkman: Well, there’s only one way to find out.
(Sparkman zaps the control panel with a steady spark shock, allowing him to override the controls. The doors slowly slide open, as everyone stands ready.)
Drillman: Skull, you, Dive, Gemini and I provide covering fire for Dust, Snake, Shadow and Spark to slip in. Once you’re inside, you all find a way to sabotage whatever it is that’s inside. With any luck, we’ll pull this off with a minimum of casualties. Preferably on the Mechs’ side.
Shadowman: Keep hoping for that.
Geminiman: So we’re just going to go in there and do our own thing?
Shadowman: ...Actually, I hate to admit it, but it’s not a bad plan.
Snakeman: Well, no use standing on ceremony. Let's go get them, Cossackachnical Maniarades!
Snakeman: ...It beats 'Punk's Pugilists'.
Shadowman: Only by a margin.
Sparkman: You heard the man, Maniarades. Let's go get 'em!
(The group charges forth with their weapons drawn, only to find-)
Yin: ...So our choices are watching ‘Ultraviolet’ or playing ‘Giga Boy 3 PC’? Is this really how we want to spend our day off?
Yang: Yes, it’s not like we get to have many of those.
Pertwee: Well, I think you’ll change your mind once I figure out how to get Giga Boy 3 to play on the big screen! I’m sure the higher resolution will bring out new dimensions of this old classic.
Yin: I think you’re dead wrong on all counts.
Shadowman: ...What the hell is going on here?!
Pertwee: What the-?! Unbelievable!! We sent an army to kill you SAVAGES!! How is it that you’re still alive?
Sparkman: ...Because we’re tougher than fifth graders? Seriously, they weren’t that tough.
Drillman: Seriously, this is all you could do with our schematics?? Dress up a bunch of skeleton joes like us and have them infiltrate RPD?
Shadowman: With all the time you had, you should’ve been able to take over all of RPD by now! How could you not pull it off?!
Pertwee: Crorq kept their access restricted, so we never got anywhere near RPD’s databanks, or the schematics for any of their other robots. And to make matters worse, Kryptoman killed them just as they were getting established!
Yin: And rather than rebuilding them, Crorq opted to bring you back instead.
Shadowman: Alright, Mechs. We know what to say. On three. One. Two. Three.
Mechs: You guys suck!!
Yang: ...It’s starting to get difficult to argue with that...
Diveman: Yer tellin’ me! C’mon, boys! We got work ta do!!
(Diveman charges in and hits Yin and Yang with a barrage of dive missiles. The unprepared, defenseless scientist twins are sent flying into the wall!)
Yin and Yang: AGGGHHH!!Pertwee: My babies!!
(As their bodies slide down the wall, bits and pieces of their bodies melt off. Revealing...)
Yin: Daddy...It feels so cold...
Yang: Where are you Daddy…? I can’t see you...
Shadowman: ...What the hell?!
Drillman: ...Of course!! They were the prize-winning plants from his garden all along!! How come I didn’t see it sooner?!
Snakeman: ...Of course they were. Par for the course, really.
Dustman: It also explains why snapping their necks didn’t kill them. Didn’t have necks to begin with.
Yin: ...We really were your favorite, weren’t we...?
Pertwee: You were, my darlings. I wouldn’t have brought you to life if you weren’t...
Yang: (cough) ...Then I can die with no regrets...
Geminiman: Really? I can think of a couple for you. Where do you want me to start?
Pertwee: Not now, Savage!
Yang: ...A garden...I can see a garden...It’s beautiful...
(Pertwee hold Ying and Yang’s leaves before Diveman blasts them again with another barrage of dive missiles.)
Diveman: May God welcome ya ‘n keep ya! Fer good this time!!
Drillman: Do you have anything to say for yourself before we haul you in, Black Lotus?
????: Oh shit!! The cops are here?! Quick Lunchbox! Get the stash and stuff it down your pants! No, don’t look at me like that! You know it’s the only thing big enough to carry it all!
Dustman: Is that-?!?
(The Comrades run into the room, towards a kitchen and find-)
Jay: Fuck!! It’s too late Lunchbox! They’re already inside! Just hurry your ass through that vent-Wait a minute. You guys?!
Diveman: Jay ‘n Silent Bob?! Oh, man oh day! Are ya guys a sight fer sore eyes!
Dustman: You’ve got to be kidding me. THIS is where you’ve been the whole time??
Drillman: It’s like a piece of the past has come home again! ...Provided it really is you guys and not a bunch of skeleton joes dressed up like you two. We may have to take off your face to run a few tests.
Jay: What the fuck are you going on about?
Silent Bob: (puts his hands up)
Drillman: Very well. We’ll do this the hard way.
(Drillman revs up his drills and points them at Jay and Silent Bob. But Dive smacks them away.)
Diveman: Don’ be stupid, boss. There’s only one Jay ‘n Silent Bob!
Jay: You got that right!
Silent Bob: (thumbs up)
Drillman: Oh, who am I kidding? Whether it’s really them or not, I want it to be true. That I’m seeing you guys in the flesh once again!
Diveman: Put ‘er there, ol’ pals!
(The Cossacks all put out their hands to Jay and Silent Bob for a high five. But they just look back at them scornfully, with their arms folded)
Drillman: ...Okay, that was a bit frostier than I expected. You guys remember who we are, right?
Jay: That’s funny. I should be asking you fucks the same question. Ain’t that right, SB?
Silent Bob: (glares the Comrades and nods)
Dustman: I don’t understand.
Jay: We disappeared, yo! Didn't you ever wonder where we went off to?
Dustman: Well, there was a lot going on at the time. We just thought you decided to start a new life somewhere.
Diveman: Or that you were busted by the feds.
Drillman: I thought you had gotten caught up in one of John's plots.
Skullman: I did not care.
Jay: NONE OF YOU ASSHOLES CARED!
Diveman: How can ya say that?
Silent Bob: I think what my illustrious friend is alluding to is that we had been kidnapped by Black Lotus in some sort of plot to manipulate you. Only nobody showed up for us. And I guess none of you people even noticed we were gone. I mean, Diveman, Skullman, and Toadman all came storming in for revenge for what Black Lotus did to Zapper, but nobody came for the two of us. We were left to rot! After you guys did your best to destroy this place we could have left, but why would we? We decided to just make ourselves at home instead. Maybe make something of this place.
Jay: Chromic's legal in Canada. We've been doing mad business up in that joint.
Diveman: Hey! We - we didn't know you were captured!
Silent Bob: More like, you didn't care.
Dustman: And we were destroyed soon afterwards! We've been quite busy. We -
Jay: Ah, don’t act like you guys just came back! We know you’ve been around for years now! And now you're looking to hang out with us? Can you believe this shit, Lunchbox?!
Silent Bob: (folds his arms and shakes his head)
Shadowman: Oh my God! This is like some sort of rich pattern with you guys!
Jay: Hell, I bet we aren’t the reason why you guys came down here!
Geminiman: You aren’t.
Diveman: Ya ain’ helpin’!!
Drillman: Wait a second, this means you knew about Black Lotus' plot to infiltrate the RPD with copies of us!
Jay: Yeah, and? Fuck the police. You guys were gone at the time, so who cares? It's not like you cared about either of us, right?
Geminiman: Don’t take it too personally. Apparently, it’s a Cossack tradition to dump your pals when the mood catches you.
Jay: You’re telling me, funhouse mirror! We found a cooler mad scientist to hang out with! (points to Pertwee) At least he lets us have a go at the Playstation! We’re through with you fucks! We got the sweet life here! Let’s see you fill the hole we leave in your lives!
(Jay and Silent Bob sneer at the Comrades who back away from the duo.)
Skullman: ...I am sorry you all feel this way.
Diveman: Damnit, I never thought feelin’ like a dick would feel this crummy.
Pertwee: Well, you brought this all on yourselves, savages. Maybe you destroyed my children and my life’s work. But the joy in your lives has diminished without your favorite stoners!!
Drillman: Better enjoy it for all it’s worth. Between your unsanctioned experiments, everything you did to Zapper, and all the trouble you’ve caused us, you’ll be lucky to see the light of day ever again.
Pertwee: ...With my home broken into, my children destroyed, and my life’s work undone, there really is nothing else left for me. Very well. Do what you will. After several decades of scheming and planning, the game is over at long last.
(Pertwee puts his arms together, and Skullman slaps some cuffs on them. The group all start leading him out the way they came.)
Diveman: C’mon, Jay and SB. Ya really wanna stay in Pertwee’s basmen’? I know we kinda let things drift ‘part. But we were still pals, weren’ we?
Jay: Maybe a long time ago. But not now. If we aren’t good enough for you when you first went back online, we aren’t good enough now. Good luck finding someone who can hook you up with the shit we got.
Silent Bob: (flips the Comrades the finger)
(Jay, Silent Bob and Jerry go back to watching ‘Ultraviolet’ while getting baked, ignoring the Comrades. Hanging their heads, the Comrades all exit the room with the Mechs and Pertwee in tow.)
Snakeman: ....Well, uh, everything turned out okay.
Skullman: Jay and Silent Bob’s grudge notwithstanding, I would agree.
Geminiman: ...Does anyone have anything else they want to add to that?
Diveman: (lights a cigarette) Nah.
Dustman: No, not particularly.
Shadowman: Yeah, please don’t. Just this once.
Sparkman: No kidding, man.
Snakeman: I don’t know. Something about this just doesn’t feel right.
Shadowman: It feels fine. Don’t question it. Just go with it.
Diveman: ...Actually, I’m actually gonna miss Jay ‘n Silent Bob. Things were a blas’ with ‘em ‘round.
Dustman: Well, we really do have no one but ourselves to blame for what happened between us. I hope they can forgive us eventually.
Geminiman: I’m just waiting to see who’s next on your chopping block, and what minor inconvenience warrants their departure.
Shadowman: Yeah, you sure you don’t want to give Brightbabe the heave-ho for eating your last slice of pizza?
Skullman: For the record, Brightbabe ate the last quesadilla slice, not the last pizza slice.
Crorq: INFIDELS!! You have a lot of explaining to do!!
(Suddenly, Crorq’s voice booms over the Comrades’ inner coms, stopping them dead in their tracks-)
Dustman: Crorq?! What are you upset about?
Diveman: More than usual, he means.
Crorq: Watch your tongue. You’re all on thin ice as it is! You had half of the Mechanical Maniacs with you the whole time?! And you never brought them here, like I asked?! OVER A YEAR AGO?!
Drillman: What makes you think they’re here with us-
Crorq: I SAW YOU ON THE NEWS WITH THEM!! Don’t even try telling me they were really Gamma’s Disciples!
Dustman: ...They might be. I mean-
Crorq: I told you to bring them in by any means necessary over a year ago!! And what do you do instead? Go out chasing suzies with them!! SUZIES!!
Skullman: ...We were down half of our team and needed the extra manpower. Under article six-
Crorq: Don’t you DARE lecture me on RPD policy! I AM RPD policy!! Whatever you’re doing, you should’ve been able to handle it WITHOUT the aid of a bunch of disgraced RPD officers and fugitives!! Now if those wretched Mechs aren’t on my doorstep, either in chains or in pieces, it’ll be YOUR heads!!
Crorq: Do I make myself clear?!
Crorq: Good choice. Especially since I’m already on my way to take them off your hands. They better wrapped up, complete with bows on them when I find them!
(Crorq closes the line, as the Comrades continue to talk over their private com.)
Dustman: Soooo...Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird Crorq is coming down here just to get the Mechs? I mean, I know they’re fugitives. But normally, this’d be a job for the officers, not the chief of police.
Skullman: He must not trust us to do it ourselves.
Diveman: Or it’s personal fer this guy. Waaaay too personal.
Drillman: Of, course it’s personal. The Mechs and Crorq have a long history together. You guys are reading too much into this.
Snakeman: What are they talking about?
Shadowman: ...Something’s wrong…
Pertwee: Ooh, I have a feeling the plot just thickened!
Dustman: (over internal coms) Guys, we don’t have time. Crorq’s going to be here any minute. Are we going through with this?
Skullman: Considering the facts, there is only one reasonable thing to do.
(The Comrades keep conferring with each other. The Mechs regard them suspiciously, keeping a hand on all of their respective weapons.)
Sparkman: Seriously, what are you guys going on about? Anything we should be worried about?
(The Comrades all glance at the Mechs somewhat apologetically. Then without warning, Skullman slaps some cuffs on Sparkman!)
Sparkman: What the fuck-?! What was that for?!
Skullman: We have orders from Crorq to bring you in.
Shadowman: THAT WRETCHED GREASY, SLIME-FILLED SACK OF MONKEYSHIT!! HOW DID HE FIND US?!
Drillman: He saw the news broadcast of us with you on the oilrig in our “custody”. He wants to know why we haven’t brought you in yet. And now he’s taking matters into his own hands.
Geminiman: And you’re going to give him what he wants?! Just like that?!
Skullman: He is already on his way here to come get you. There is no way he will leave here empty-handed.
Pertwee: Oh my! This is delightful! If only I knew how fragile your alliance was! I would’ve played things differently if I knew this was all it’d take to take you down!
Snakeman: But what about everything we told you?? About Catch-22? The numerous attacks he orchestrated? Those don’t mean anything to you?!
Skullman: That is irrelevant at this juncture. With half our team divided, we are not in a position to oppose him.
Shadowman: This is all a big load! As dirty as you guys could be, I thought you at least believed in your cause!! Wasn’t ‘Death Before Conformity’ your rallying cry during the war?! And yet, here you are, about to hand us off to the dog-kissing, heartless, dickless, hopeless creep who stood for everything you hate! You’re just a bunch of selfish, childish cowards who’ll sacrifice and abandon anyone, over the slightest of inconveniences, just so you can keep doing whatever you want!!
(Diveman and Dustman pensively look at each other, before turning to face Skull and Drill.)
Diveman: ...Is this really what we wanna do...? I mean, God lets me be many things. But a coward ain’ one o’ ‘em.
Dustman: Honestly, I really am starting to feel like a hypocrite. Am I the only who thinks we’re becoming the very things we’re trying to fight? If nothing else, we have a disproportionate number of abandoned friends and allies. Which now include the Mechs, again. Apparently.
Skullman: Again, all irrelevant.
Drillman: Besides, we don’t have any proof to back up anything the Mechs said. For all we know, they are the criminals Crorq says they are. As vile as Crorq is, we don’t have a good enough reason to go against him.
Diveman: Seriously?! NOW yer askin’ fer proof?!
Drillman: For all we know, the Mechs are trying to pour poison in our ears and turn us against RPD. Trick us into assassinating Crorq for them.
Pertwee: I must say, this really is fun to watch! Who’s going to turn on who next? It could go either way!
Shadowman: I hate to break it to you, screwball. But if anyone’s killing that butterball, it’s going to be me! But you got bigger issues on your hands...
(Suddenly, Shadowman winks out in front of them, and reappears in mid-air, dropping down between the Comrades, with his sword drawn!)
Shadowman: ‘Twas a hologram!!
(Shadowman scatters the Comrades with a flurry of shadow blades, and cuts Sparkman’s cuffs.)
Sparkman: Nice save!
Skullman: Do not let them get away!
(Skullman and Drillman shoot at the Mechs as they run towards the vent Jay and Silent Bob were trying to squeeze through. Dustman and Diveman look on hesitantly, not entirely sure if they want to get in on the fight. But when a gemini laser and search snake hit them both, they have no choice but to join in.)
Dustman: Sigh...And just after we smoothed things out with these guys...
Diveman: It weren’ that smooth. But I don’ like this any more than ya do...
Snakeman: (struggling into the vent) Tell me this goes somewhere!
Jay: Oh yeah! This is our secret way in and out of the lab. Lunchbox and I installed it ourselves!
Shadowman: Feels like a teleporter would be more useful!
Jay: Yeah, but you can’t crawl through that and say ‘So this is what a TV dinner feels like’. Even SB always wanted to say that.
Silent Bob: (shakes his wrists slightly)
Geminiman: Could’ve gone with something that required less work!!
(Suddenly, Crorq bursts into the room behind the Comrades, flanked by a swarm of officers! His gravy train cannon is aimed at Shadowman.)
Crorq: At long last!! My four favorite infidels in one spot!!
Geminiman: We got to go right now!!
Sparkman: Too late, Gem. Crorq’s already here. We ain’t leaving...
Crorq: Indeed! Truer words have never been spoken, Sparkwench!!
Sparkman: ...Without saying good-bye!!
(Sparkman grabs Dustman, whirls him around, and sends a jolt into his vaccum that shoots Punk at Crorq like a cannon!!)
Dustman: Aggh!! You couldn’t resist one last shot, could you?!
(Punk hits Crorq right in the face, knocking him off balance as he fires his gravy train! Most of his fellow officers end up getting the worst of the gravy deluge.)
Crorq: GRAAGGGHHH!!! How dare you?!
Sparkman: And now to go out on a classical note! Sinister Six, REUNITE!!
(Using a gimmick from his old days from the Sinister Six, Sparkman creates a blinding flash of light that disorients Crorq and the Comrades!)
Drillman: GAH!! Since when were Sparkchan and Brightbabe the same person?!
Crorq: No!! Stop them! Don’t let them get away!!
(The RPD officers accompanying Crorq rush into the room, mostly bumping off of furniture and each other, still recovering from Sparkman’s vintage Sinister Six attack. By the time their sight returns, the Mechs, Jay and Silent Bob are long gone.)
Crorq: Come back here, you cowards! Come face your old chief!!
Punk: Yeah!! Where do you hosers think you’re going?! We got him on the ropes!!
Crorq: GRRR!! If I can’t get them, I’ll settle for you!!
(Crorq stampedes into the room, bowling over the gathered officers as he lunges at Punk. Punk tucks into a ball and launches himself into the vent, before Crorq can get his hands on him. Roaring in frustration, Crorq tries reaching into the vent and shooting his gravy train down into it. But all he sees is emptiness.)
Crorq: GRRRR!! (Points to the Comrades) You four have some explaining to do!
(Later, Drillman, Diveman, Skullman and Dustman are back at the citadel getting Kalinka up to speed over their turn of events.)
Kalinka: Before we get started, would one of four like to explain why our paycheck has a lot less zeroes in it?
Diveman: Crorq’s pitchin’ a fit cuz the Mechs gave us the slip.
Kalinka: What?? He knows you let them go without a fight?! How are you all not in robot prison right now?
Dustman: Well, it’s not like we let them go on purpose...As far as he knows...
Kalinka: What now?
Skullman: Everything the Mechs told us, plus Crorq’s suspicious behavior has given us reasonable doubt that Crorq can really be trusted and that the Mechs are as guilty as he says they are. So, we split the difference and made at best, a halfhearted attempt to capture them.
Drillman: You call that half-hearted??
Skullman: I only made an attempt to capture one of them, and spent the rest of the time talking to them. That gave them the headstart they needed for them escape. While painting a believable enough conflict to make it look like we were doing our jobs.
Drillman: Was I the only one who didn’t know about this?!
Diveman: ‘N how.
Drillman: I’d expect this level of treachery out of John. But out of half my team?! Have I no friends left?!
Kalinka: Get a grip, Drill. I think they did the right thing.
Dustman: But boy, are the Mechs pissed at us. Again.
Skullman: If our situation was reversed, they would likely do the same to us.
Dustman: Oh well. At least we got Black Lotus. That helped put Crorq in a (better) mood.
Drillman: Yes. He couldn’t be too mad that we exposed a shadowy organization that tried infiltrating their infrastructure with duplicates of us. I feel silly for not realizing that Pertwee was Black Lotus the whole time.
Diveman: I feel sillier knowin’ it was him.
Kalinka: Well, the suzies are put down, Black Lotus is gone for good, we got to the bottom of a conspiracy to replace us, and the Mechs’ opinion of us I’m neither here nor there on. We’ve bounced back from worse days than this.
(Dustman and Diveman shoot each other shameful looks. They both glance over at a photo of them with Jay and Silent Bob.)
Diveman: ...Sure. We’re on toppa the world...
(Meanwhile, in the Wily Underground, Shadowman, Sparkman, Snakeman and Geminiman are blowing off steam at Walkman’s Bar, waiting for the rest of the team to show up.)
Snakeman: Think Jay and Silent Bob'll be alright in Canada?
Geminiman: You heard them. They've already set themselves up nicely since "it's legal over there." Apparently, they have this whole side organization they were running while they were with Black Lotus. They'll be fine.
Enker: *mumble grumble*
Punk: Awwww, wassamater? Being a hero not work out so well for you?
Enker: SHUT UP!
Quickman: Nobody believed we were actually there to help.
Bubbleman: And it turns out that those Light numbers have no pull at all at Robot Police Headquarters.
Enker: (smirking) It doesn't look like your group did any better.
Shadowman: Goddamn those Comrades!! They screwed us over!! Again!!
Geminiman: With all the friends they threw under the bus, we should’ve seen this coming a mile away.
Sparkman: I can’t believe I blew two perfectly good Saturdays skyping with their Pharaoh Woman! I feel like such a tool!
Snakeman: Not that I entirely forgive them or anything, but I’d like to point out, we’d probably have to do the same thing if we were in their shoes. Am I the only one who remembers Brussels?
Shadowman: Brussels, shmussels! This was no misunderstanding. They knew what they were doing! Thanks to them, we missed a golden opportunity to get some revenge on Crorq! REVENGE!!
Geminiman: Oh no. Here he goes again…
Punk: Bah, what a bunch of hosers! We should stomped their heads in when we had the chance!
Snakeman: You’d be in prison right now, if you tried.
Punk: Not if we all did it together! They can’t take you all-us all, right?
Sparkman: The hell is the clown doing here, anyhow??
Shadowman: Ah, let the man vent! He got screwed by those assholes, too!
Napalmman: Screwed by assholes?! You guys are talking about the Cock Sackers, right?!
Sparkman: Cock Sackers! That's a good one!
Stoneman: That's the nicest thing we could call them. We invited them to play a fun board game we perfected. And what do they do? Saddle half of us with an uptight, less fun version of Napalmman, let us get manhandled by suzies, and then they tattle to the cops!*
(*: CC, Phoenix Season One, Ballade's Battlers 1-3.)
Crystalgirl: You left out the part where one of us got turned into a fucking mushroom. I'm still coughing up spores, if anyone cares.
Chargeman: They let us make kids cry. That part fun.
Crystalgirl: (narrows eyes) It's not enough. It'll never be enough.
Geminiman: Yes. That sounds like the Cock Sackers, alright.
Multiman: Cock Sackers?? You mean that band of sociopaths led by that drunk, annoying, pyschotic submarine who loaded me with explosives and used me as a suicide bomb?? *
(*Business of War, 'Kill Now, For Elysium Awaits!)
Airman: No, the smug creeps who kept us from settling a score with a bunch of traitors.*
(*CC, Phoenix Season One, 'Book Signing of Doom!)
Waveman: Their Diveman used me as a urinal, once.*
(*Do you even want to know when that happened?)
Torchman: Ah, those wretched Cossackers! My old archenemies and bane of my tortured existence! First, they begged me on their knees to lead them to glory! To justice! To obsequiousness!! Instead, they left me to rot in the depths of the cyberworld!! To be gnawed upon, by the digital jackals they had not the courage to face, themselves! It was only by luck, circumstance and divine intervention I was able to find my way back to our world, through the nine circles of Hell itself. Besting Lucifer with naught my wits, my courage, the flames of justice that burn in my soul, and my faithful guide to lead the way! Do not grieve, my loyal friends. For you do not weep alone! *
(*This is either made up wholecloth, or woven from madness itself. Either's plausiable.)
Geminiman: Well, it looks we're in good company.
Snakeman: Can't believe the Cossacks screwed over this many people. But we got away safe and sound. So things didn’t turn out that bad.
Sparkman: And now we know not to trust those commie bastards further than we can throw Ben. Any team that dumps at least of their pals at the drop of a hat can’t be trusted.
Geminiman: Needlegal couldn’t have put it better, herself.
Shadowman: What the-Awwwwww...How did we end up talking about what we learned today without Needle?! It shouldn’t have happened without her to steer the conversation!
Punk: That’s why you’re the biggest losers down here. Take it from me.
Sparkman: Ah, fuck it. Until we close our days out on a different note, we are...THE MECHANICAL MANIACS!!
????: The Mechanical Maniacs?!
(Suddenly a bunch of suzies fly through the door and windows, prostrating themselves at the Mechs’ feet!)
Suzy: At long last, we have found the noble liberators who rescued us from the clutches Blue Scourge!
Hunter: On behalf of suzies everywhere, we owe you our lives and our livelihood!
Suzies: PRAISE BE TO THE MECHANICAL MANIACS!!
Geminiman: ...I feel like we’re missing something here.
Sparkman: I’m just assuming one of us stepped on a butterfly during one of Quint’s time travel nonsense adventures.
(Later that night, outside of an undisclosed (but heavily guarded) location...)
Dustman: Are we sure we want to do this? I mean, are you sure we’re not letting what Shadowman said get to you?
Diveman: No way, man. I’m sure God forgives us fer however many pals we threw under the bus. But throwin’ the Mechs under the bus ‘cuz Crorq , fuckin’ CRORQ, said so? No way. That leaves a shitty taste in my mouth no vodka can wash out.
Skullman: (over com) Even though it was an act of sorts?
Diveman: Who cares?? Hearin’ our old battlecry from the war for the first time in decades got me thinkin’ we sold our souls a little. ‘N the bad blood ‘tween us ‘n Jay ‘n Silent Bob don’ help none, neither.
Dustman: It doesn’t feel right that we ended up driving away so many different friends. Over trivial annoyances, at that. I thought we were a more cohesive group than this.
Diveman: Well, we’re gonna prove to ourselves we’re better than that shit. Hopefully, it ain’t too late to offer him the ol’ olive branch.
Skullman: Knowing him, I find it unlikely he will hold a grudge.
Dustman: Well, if we’re going through with this, now’s the time. Whatever you’re planning for a diversion, Skull, I hope it’s good.
Skullman: You have nothing to worry about. After employing some of the rhetoric we saw the Giant Suzy utilize to unite the suzies, I was able recruit enough of them to help us out. After all, they did once serve me in the past.
????: Sorry for the trouble we gave you. If we knew it was the real you, we would’ve handled things differently.
Dustman: I still can’t believe you got them to do what they’re about to do.
Skullman: Apparently, it is not a first for them.
Toadman: Oh boy! Whatever you guys are doing, I can’t wait to see it in action!
(Dustman and Diveman spin around and see Toadman standing behind them!)
Dustman: What the-Flippy?! How did you get out of your cell already?
Toadman: I never went back! I mean, I was gonna. But on the way home, I thought I smelled something that smelled like used diapers and an old warm burp, and I went to go check it out. Turns out, it was whatever they use to make Tim Horton’s donuts. Hey, who are you busting out of here, anyway? A lot of these bots here are kinda nuts.
Diveman: Shit! (over the com) Quick, Skull! Call off the rescue wagon! The frog has already lef’ the pond! I repeat, THE FROG HAS LEFT THE POND!
Skullman: Too late! They are already engaged!!
Diveman: Aww, crap!!
Skeleton Joes: SKELETON BALL!! DANANANA!!
(Suddenly, a ball made up Skeleton Joes smashes through the wall of robot asylum, sending guards, inmates and orderlies scattering like bowling pins!)
Hypno Woman: Arrggghh!! Not again!!
Dustman: ...Would we be awful people if we left the Skeleton Joes to their fate? Dive?
Toadman: Yeah, he and Skullman took off.
Dustman: ...Then I guess we should, too.
Toadman: Last one to the citadel is a rotten egg!
AM as Drill Man Sean as Dust Man Geoff as Dive Man
Jet as Bright Babe Hunter as Skull Man
John as Ring Man Avi as Pharaoh Woman Flippy as Toad Man