Cossack's Comrades Season 1 Epilogue 23
“Ice Breaker”

By Geoff (Dive Man)

Narrator: All chaos is breaking loose at a robot assembly plant, as Met Daddy and his family stage another robot uprising!

Michael: Raphael! Who let you out of the broom closet?

Gabriel: Sorry! My bad! I forgot. That's where we were. Keeping him.

Raphael: Well, I'm out now, suckers! And the moment's past! This is my story now!

Met Daddy: Nobody cares. Fight on, my oppressed brothers! The winds of freedom blow not just for my fellow metools! But to ALL oppressed droids everywhere! The time has come! Break free of the shackles that confine you! Take what is rightfully yours!

Telly: *spins around in the air*

Met Daddy: ...There is no need to fear! We will stand by your side, as you reclaim the freedom humans and robot masters have taken from you! Go forth! Show them why we must never be underestimated!

Telly: *spins around in the air*

Met Daddy: ...I can't do it for you! You have want your freedom in order to earn it!

Telly: *spins around in the air*

Met Daddy: .....

(The Tellies simply float off in the other direction. They do nothing.)

Met Daddy: Ungrateful curs!! Suffer under the yoke of humanity! See if the doors of Mettopia ever open for you!

(Suddenly, a barrage of dive missiles slam into Met Daddy!)

Met Daddy: UGGHH!! You people again?!

Diveman: Ya expected anyone else?

Dustman: (firing dust crushers) And all things being equal, Mettopia just sounds...just sounds terrible.

Met Daddy: I don't need gratification from the likes of you!

(Met Daddy leaps into the air, but flash stopper disorients him, causing him to land face first!)

Brightbabe: Look, if all you want is equal rights for metools, I'm sure we could work something out like we did for-

(Met Daddy thrashes his pickaxe about as he tries to right himself. The Comrades all take a jump back, narrowly avoiding his frenzied swings.)

Met Daddy: We deserve more than equality! We deserve supremacy!! It is time for the roles to be reversed! Let's see YOU sit in one place all day, waiting for the moment you'll be shot in the face by bloodthirsty robot warriors, or scrapped by your owners simply because they want the newer model!

Diveman: (tosses a dive mine) Or 'cuz I'm drunk, bored, or God doesn' like yer ugly faces. Don' forget those.

Drillman: (firing drill bombs) Keep at it, guys! We got him on the ropes!

(The room is suddenly filled with smoke, disorienting all the Comrades!)

Smoke Machine: Two can play your cowardly game, light bulb woman!!

Met Daddy: Yes! Let's see how tough you are when you can't see the danger in front of your face, as well!

Toadman: Oh yeah?! Well, three can play that game!!!

(Toadman bends over in front of the smoke machine, squats down, and-)

*Phhhhbbbbbbcchchchchhhhch!!

Comrades: .....

Smoke Machine: ....

Met Daddy: ....

Toadman: Ha!! My gas beats yours! Your move!

Ringman: ...I'm so glad we took the time to bust him out of the Robot Asylum.

(Met Daddy finally rights himself, leaps up into the air, and pounces between the Comrades, scattering them like bowling pins!)

Met Daddy: If that's truly the best you have to offer, I pity you fools.

????: You want to dance?? Feel FREEZE!!

(Out of the smoke and mist, a blue, ice-adorned robot leaps over Met Daddy, slides between the Comrades, towards the smoke machine.)

????: You're skating on thin ice!!

(As he leaps over the smoke machine, a cyclonic gust of arctic wind tosses the smoke machine about, dissapating the smoke!)

Smoke Machine: Noooooooooo!

????: Perfection!

Pharaoh Woman: ...Who in the name of Osiris is that...?

Diveman: Mus' be Chillman, or Ben 'N Jerry'sman, or any other bazillion ice robots that do the same thing Iceman did.

????: Hmph!! That is no way to speak to the most graceful, the most elegant, the most gorgeous member of our family! Tundraman!

Pharaoh Woman: I do not happen to recall a Tundraman existing in any of the tales, scrolls or archives regaling our team...Was I reading the wrong ones or something?

Brightbabe: Ummmm...If you were, we all were.

Met Daddy: Grrrrrr!!! I will not be toyed with like this!!

(Met Daddy tries slashing the Comrades' benefactor. But he effortlessly skates around every blow, circling the increasingly frustrated giant metool.)

Tundraman: I'm like a rose, frozen in ice!

Ringman: ...Seriously, are we supposed to know this guy...?

Drillman: Unbelievable! How could you all not recognize who this is?! I could perhaps understand (though not forgive) our newer members not recognizing him. But Dive, Bright, and Dust? You should recognize one of our oldest, and most trusted (if not bizarre) members of our team! He's John's predecessor, no less!

Ringman: ...I didn't know my predecessor was an over-the-top ice skating weirdo.

Diveman: Yeah boss, maybe yer team had a prancin' ice fairy. But ours' didn'.

Drillman: I am referring to Rebel, of course, you ignorant fool! The oldest member of our team, besides me!

Dustman: ...I don't remember him being an ice-skating weirdo, though. Several different kinds of weirdos. But never an ice-skating one.

Skullman: And Rebel was never Freezeman or any other ice-themed robot.

Drillman: ...Well, maybe not. But he certainly went through a lot of phases when the mood caught him. Who's to say he didn't just fashion an ice skating robot armor just to scratch his latest itch?

Brightbabe: He's certainly as energetic and bizarre as Rebel ever was.

Skullman: ...That hypothesis could still go either way. But other matters take precedent.

(Skullman points to a mine cart that's barrelling towards the Comrades at top speed!)

Mine Cart: For the glory of Mettopolis!

(Suddenly, a robotic minecart rolls in, and barrage of metools leap out, charging Comrades!)

Metools: Leave our daddy alone!

Diveman: ...God? Got any more weirdass robots ya can pull outta nowhere ta bail us out...?

Toadman: (eating gum off the floor) You called?

Skullman: Flippy is right. We are the weirdass robots. We can handle this.

(The Comrades all engage the charging metools, as the skater effortlessly holds his own against Met Daddy.)

Met Daddy: (flailing wildly) HOLD STILL!!

Tundraman: (dodges) Don't freeze up!

(Suddenly, Tundraman starts glowing moving exceptionally faster than usual, as he weaves between Met Daddy's blows. Met Daddy's face gets covered with slash marks as the bot leaps over his helmet and unleashes an even more powerful frozen hurricane gale.)

Tundraman: BITTTER! HEARTLESS! GORGEOUS!! ICE!

Brightbabe: What was that?? Did he just spontaneously gain superspeed??

Dustman: I'm impressed.

Drillman: Clever work, Rebel! Incorporating the powers of Freezeman and Quickman into a single refined armor!

Diveman: The hell didn' we get transmetal armor like that??

Met Daddy: GRRRRRR!!

(Despite the punishing wind, Met Daddy leaps up, collides into Tundraman, pinning him beneath his feet.)

Tundraman: Ahhh!!

Met Daddy: Let's see those fancy skating moves now, you arrogant-AGGGHH!!

(Drillman bursts out of the ground underneath Met Daddy, tossing him aside! Before he can stand, Drillman unleashes a salvo of drill bombs!)

Drillman: Remember us??

(The rest of the Comrades come charging out of the hole, with Skullman and Bright Babe holding back the metools with their skull barrier and flash stopper.)

Pharaoh Woman: (throwing phraoh shots) Face the wrath of Ra! And Osiris! And Horus! And...does Thoth have any aggression he wants to work out?

Dustman: (shooting dust crushers) Don't expect any help from your friends!

Telly: *spins around in air*

Met Daddy: Go on!! The harder you strike us down, the more you show your true oppressive nature! And this time, we have witnesses! There is no way they could turn a blind eye to what they're seeing!

Large Telly: *swoops down*

(Several other large Tellies swoop in behind the other, heading straight for Comrades!)

Skullman: ...This may be a problem.

Met Daddy: I knew it! My fellow worker robots wouldn't stand by and see his kindred being oppressed and brutalized! Thanks to you, the day is saved, and history shall be-

(The large Tellies all drop a barrage of bombs on top of Met Daddy before flying off. They do nothing to help him...)

Met Daddy: ......WHAT...?!

Skullman: ...You asked for some "weirdass" robots to bail us, did you not, Dive?

Diveman: ...Wasn' countin' on 'em. But hey, I'll take any blessin' I get.

Met Daddy: ...I know a lost cause when I see one. Come, my children! Withdraw for today so that we can win tomorrow!

Metools: Retreat! Retreat!!

(The remaining Metools all pile into the Mine Cart and zoom off!)

Met Daddy: We shall meet again! But not before those treacherous Tellies suffer my infinite wrath!

(Smoke Machine belches out more smoke, covering Met Daddy as he leaps up and smashes through the ceiling.)

Brightbabe: ...Well, that wasn't so bad.

Dustman: We're certainly fortunate that the Tellies rallied behind us and not Met Daddy.

Factory Worker: Oh yeah, it's a little known fact, but Tellies are hardcore Christians. As long as Dr. Wily doesn't reprogram them, nothing is higher in their eyes than the Lord Jesus Christ.

Tellies: Beep-beeeeep! Beep-beeeeeep! Beep beep...Beep beep...

Ringman: ...Are they singing 'Amazing Grace'?

Diveman: I dunno. Beats the hell outta me.

Factory Worker: Either way, it's good thing one of you (points to Diveman) is just as devout as they are. More likely to stick up for you than that overgrown socialist hard hat.

Toadman: Cool! So does this mean Diveman is king of the floating googly-eyed tin cans now?

Skullman: Apparently. Just as I now command the loyalty of the Skeleton Joes, and the Mechs somehow gained the loyalty of the Suzies.

Toadman: Okay. So when do I get an army of crappy robots that do my bidding?

Drillman: Speaking of friends in high places, we should check Rebel and make sure he's okay.

Toadman: I don't get it. If this guy was so awesome, how come you flushed him down the toilet and got a new Ringman?

Dustman: That's not what happened to Rebel. He was exiled for trying to murder Ballade in cold blood. And we thought it'd be unlikely he would ever return.

Pharaoh Woman: ...That's it...? I was expecting something more severe. Like, going berserk and attacking the team. Or betraying us to Dr. Wily...Or, kicking puppies for fun?

Drillman: No, he did all that, too. Sometimes more than once.

Pharaoh Woman: And we didn't banish him for any of that...?!

Drillman: No, we did. But at the end of the day, we couldn't stay mad at him. He did save us from Dr. Wily. *

*Series 3, Epilogue 5, The Legend of Ringman.

Pharaoh Woman: But from what you're saying, he's the very reincarnation of Set!

Dustman: No, Set murdered and dismembered his brother and divine king, Osiris. In that particular instance, he only dismembered Pharaohman. Who I guess, would be the closest physical embodiment of Osiris. Even if Drillman is the one who closest embodies his role- (notices Pharaoh Woman's alarmed look). And I am not helping my own case.

Pharaoh Woman: Are we at least certain that John was the Ringman we should've been watching out for??

Ringman: Thank you!!

Diveman: ...Yeah...I wasn' gonna say nothin'...But I was surprised to see him alive 'n kickin' after Kalinka recycled his ass.* Boy, was she pissed that he sided with Wily durin' the War.

*Busines of War, Chapter 5, Utopia

Drillman: ...So are you saying we should or shouldn't have kicked him off the team?

Pharaoh Woman: I'm just trying to figure out where the lines of friendship are drawn! They get blurrier everyday!

Toadman: Uh, whether this Rebel Snowcone dude was cool or not, he's about to wake up. What are we gonna do with him?

(The Comrades all circle around the unconscious skater bot, as he regains consciousness.)

Tundraman: Oof. Many thanks to you, my graceful and splendid brothers and sisters!

Dustman: Think nothing of it, Rebel. I'm just glad to see you again. Those are some weird upgrades you made to the Freezeman's design. I'm assuming that's Freezeman. Or are you imitating a flamboyant Frozone? I'm not sure how Drill would appreciate that, since it might remind him of Violet Parr and-

Tundraman: ...Rebel...? Who is Rebel...?

Brightbabe: You don't remember who you are?

Drillman: It would certainly explain your puzzling behavior. Even for you. But I assume you have returned to reclaim your rightful mantle?! Just say the word, you can have your old armor back over John's cold, backstabbing body!

Tundraman: I am NOT Rebel!! I am my own persona! I am far to graceful to be anyone else! And I thank you not to call me peculiar!

Drillman: ...Wow. Whatever amnesia you're suffering from, it must be serious. What -happened to you, Rebel? What was the last thing you remember before John stole your memories??

Ringman: Drill? Has it occurred to you that this may not be Rebel?

Drillman: Well, who else could it be?

Tundraman: How hurtful! You truly do not recognize me? Even though I recognize you? Surely, you were told about me, were you not?

Diveman: Ya'd think. But no.

Dustman: Neither Kalinka nor Cossack said anything about a Tundraman. And I can't believe they'd keep such information from us. Unless she made another robot master team before us that didn't work out. And-

Drillman: Which is why this has to be Rebel, suffering from John-inflicted amnesia. There's no other explanation. Dive! Skull! Hold him down so I can open up his skull and see how bad the damage is!

Tundraman: (backs away) Keep those filthy torture instruments away from me!

Skullman: (lowers Drillman's drills) In all seriousness, you could probably use some repairs. We all could. Let us take you back to our Citadel so that Kalinka can repair you and verify your identity and story.

Diveman: Or scrap ya fer parts when yer story don' check out.

Brightbabe: Dive!

Diveman: (shrugs) Like I said, she did it ta the real Rebel. Don' think she wouldn' do it ta ya...Though she'd prolly throw out the icicle ponytail thingie.

Tundraman: ...I can tell already, you are going to try my patience.

Toadman: If he won't, I will!

(The Comrades help Tundraman back to the Citadel, where Kalinka is the first to greet him.)

Kalinka: Tundraman?! I didn't expect to see you back here.

Tundraman: It's fabulous to see you again.

Pharaoh Woman: So you do know each other? How come you never introduced mentioned this frozen widlerness wanderer? ...It's not because you're embarassed of one of us, right?

Kalinka: I made him shortly before you guys came online. Figured making my own robot master was the perfect way to follow in father's footsteps.

Skullman: The perfect way to follow in his footsteps is to purchase large quantities of marijuana, betray humanity to a robotic genocidal warlord, have your brain removed put into a jar, installed in one of our oldest enemies, and at some point go insane.

Kalinka: ...Thank you. Morbid, tasteless, and inappropriate.

Skullman: Just clarifying. There are many number of ways of following footsteps. Few of them positive or redeeming.

Brightbabe: ...Like getting slaughtered by a smug, top-flinging, karma houdini, punk...

Kalinka: The point is, I wanted to make at least one robot master on my own. And since most of the world's arctic exploration robots have been retired in some way or another, I figured this would be the way to make a name for myself.

Tundraman: I should say so. Not only did you succeed, your creation went on to be one of Torchman's greatest disciples!

Drillman: Torchman?! I should've seen it coming! You're one of those Sinister Six, losers aren't you?! First, you claimed to be the original Sinister Six, then the original Mega Man 3 team, and now Cossack's creations! Quick, Dive! Harvest him for parts before claims to be one of General Cutman's personal shock troopers!

Toadman: Nah, he's talking about the real Torchman. Not that wannabe who wouldn't know Torchjistu if it parted its cheeks and farted in his face.

Tundraman: ...We've...Could've gone without that metaphor...But I can still remember the day we first met. I just pulled out of the bottom of a frozen lake after he tried meditating on top of it.

Ringman: ...You sure this isn't the Sinister Six Torchman? That's the sort of thing he'd do.

Skullman: Are you implying that he trained you the ways of a fire-based martial arts? That seems...unlikely at best.

Tundraman: I assume you are referring to the ancient, mystical and marvelous art of Torch-jutsu. Whether you consider it unlikely or not, I have mastered it. And what's more is, you've seen me do it.

Dustman: Are you taking about the moment when you gained super speed?

Tundraman: Precisely.

Skullman: But why is it called Torch-jutsu? It does not relate to fire in the least.

Tundraman: As the old legend goes, there was an upgrade, twin gears that could unlock a robot's full potential. One gear unlocked limitless strength. The other, boundless speed. Unfortunately, these gears could only provide fleeting bursts of power before going to war with each other, leaving their masters weak and helpless. These gears were long thought to be unsuitable for any warrior to use. But Torchman was the first to find balance between the duelling gears, proving that they were indeed the key to unlocking the ultimate warrior. And by finding harmony between them, he found harmony within himself.

Skullman: As rich as that legend was, it does not describe a real form of martial arts. Nor anything that has anything with torches, fire, or flames.

Tundraman: ...That's how Torchman tells the story, anyway. The rest of us go along with it because it works for him. And following his example has worked for us.

Brightbabe: ...It has...?

Tundraman: Where do you think all this natural talent comes from? How else am I as elegant a frozen rose? As sleek the frozen sea? As marvelous as an intricate snowflake?

Diveman: 'N fruitier than frozen produce.

Tundraman: Hmph. Spoken like a knuckledragger drowning in his own ignorance.

Diveman: Spoken like a frozen fruitcake who spent twenty years prancin' in a frozen wasteland with jack squat to show for it.

Pharaoh Woman: He embarking on an outward spiritual quest through the frozen majesty of the world. And inward spiritual quest to master your own skills and prowess. That sounds reasonably impressive to me. Sooooo...Go you! Yay! *thumbs up*

Tundraman: It does indeed, doesn't it? (glares at Diveman) Where have you been the past twenty years?

Ringman: Don't ask. Really. Don't ask.

Brightbabe: But now that you mastered Torch-jutsu, you wish to join us in our paranormal, extra-dimensional investigation stuff?

Tundraman: With your skills, years of wisdom, my flair, passion and grace, and whatever he (points at Diveman) plans on doing, we'd be the perfect team! Even Torchman agrees this is journey, the performance I have long awaited!

Ringman: Sorry, don't get your hopes up. Drill gets real paranoid around new guys. For no real reason, really. Unless you've been around a while, and he trusts you, he's not going to-

Drillman: Sure, why not?

Ringman: What?! You're bringing him on? Just like that?!

Skullman: Yes. Let us invite a perfect stranger who we know nothing about to take a spot on our team that is not available. I see nothing that could go wrong.

Diveman: ...When the hell has that ever stopped us...?

Dustman: He wouldn't even the creepiest stranger we've pulled off the street.

Toadman: What's to figure out, guys? Either he's one of us, and there's nothing to worry about. Or he's a turncoat, and we should at least keep him close so we can watch him and know where he is.

Skullman: That...is a surprisingly sound argument.

Drillman: And I haven't ruled out that he's really Rebel suffering amnesia at the hands of a two-faced, petty Ringman impostor who refuses to relinquish his title at all costs.

Tundraman: ...Are you serious...? Kalinka and I just explained my past to you. At great length.

Kalinka: Don't worry. That's Drill's way of saying you're one of the Comrades now.

Tundraman: Ah...I see...I think.

Pharaoh Woman: Let be the first to welcome you to our kingdom, noble walker of the icy winds!

Tundraman: Thank you. Though I have always prefered 'Subzero Ice Skater.'

Pharaoh Woman: Ummm...Sure. Whichever you like better.

Toadman: Nah, Yellow Snow Maker is cooler! Go with that one!

Tundraman: Absolutely not.

Diveman: Well, don' get too cozy. We may seem like a tight-knit family now. But if the mood catches us, or God tells us to, we'll toss ya out like yesterday's garbage.

Tundraman: I beg your pardon?!

Diveman: We did it to people we liked a lot better than you, Brian Boitano. Don' push us.

Dustman: That was very uncalled for.

Diveman: ...Eh. He hangs out with us long 'nuff, he's boun' ta figure out what happened to our pas' members. Better to hear it now than later.

Brightbabe: Well, I like him just fine. Why would we get rid of him?

Tundraman: Well, I am positively thrilled that you are so welcoming! Because I know of another kindred Cossacker who has lost his way.

Drillman: Oh? Has Zach returned from Tijuana? His old spot is always there if he wants it.

Skullman: As I recall, he barely lasted a day.

Toadman: Well, what about those other guys who were here before we were? I haven't heard a belch from them ever since I got here!

Nástenka: To be fair, we've been working hard to avoid you.

Gunker: Gunker busy backing up Kalinka's mainframe.

Diveman: Bullshit! I can hear ya netflixin' 'Dragon Prince' in there!

Gunker: It no Gunker's fault he can do both.

CL-DOS: I brought you back to life. I did my part.

Over-1: (over radio) Did somebody mention me?? Oh thank God! You guys finally remembered me! I thought you abandoned me to the Apotosi trying to crawl through the dimensional rift-

Toadman: (turns the radio off) Boring!

Dustman: Well, it could still be any number of Comrades. Regulus could be hiding from Interpol, Chibi Keba's taco stand may not have panned out, GDT might've gotten out of that cult...

Tundraman: Unfortunately, I never caught his name. He only barely lasted the afternoon before it was curtains for his training. Torchman felt he lacked a certain discipline and inner peace needed to master torch-jutsu. He was quite the colorful fellow. Very peculiar, might I add.

Drillman: Aha! Then that must be Rebel! Do you know where he was headed?

Ringman: Just a second. Can you give us a better description of this person? It'd be more helpful to have more than a vague description of whoever this before we go out looking for him. Not all of the Comrades parted on good terms.

Pharaoh Woman: ...No surprise there.

Drillman: Don't feel bad. Most of them have no one but themselves and their bad attiutdes to blame. Most of them.

Tundraman: Like I said, he's a very colorful individual. Very tall. Though he seemed like two different people. Like he was literally arguing with himself.

Brightbabe: ...Oh dear...That...Sounds like Kryptoman.

Drillman: I rest my case.

Tundraman: Oh, so you do know this troubled individual.

Skullman: More like individuals. And yes we do. It is a long story. But is a shame he is no longer at the dojo. We would have liked to reunite with him.

Diveman: ...We do...?

Drillman: I beg your pardon?

Tundraman: It's no problem at all! I got his cellphone number before he left!

Ringman: You did...?

Dustman: First the Mechs have his cellphone number, now this guy? Just how many people calling this (these?) lunatic??

Tundraman: Of course! Us Cossackers must stay in touch if we are to be a family.

Skullman: That is splendid. Call him up and arrange a meeting. But mention nothing of us. We would like to throw him a surprise party.

Diveman: ...Seriously, what??

Drillman: I would never in a million years throw him-

Skullman: (silencing Drillman) It would mean a lot to us.

Tundraman: Oh, that sounds delightfully festive! I know he would appreciate the gesture! Very well! Leave it to me.

Skullman: Excellent. The rest of us will discuss the details in the meantime.

Tundraman: By all means. Feel freeze!

(Tundraman dials up Kryptoman on his phone while the rest of the Comrades huddle together, whispering.)

Drillman: You better have a good explanation for this act of treachery. You know full well the only party we'd attend with Kryptoman is his funeral!

Skullman: This is our chance to get the drop on him. Such opportunities do not come by often. With proper planning and coordination, we can fight him on our terms for once, and possibly defeat him for good.

Drillman: ...You got lucky.

Dustman: How? Even if we all attack Kryptoman at once, before he has a chance to adapt to our weapons, that's not going to kill a guy like him.

Toadman: What about that nifty speedo gear thing Yellow Snow Cone Man has? That'd do the trick, wouldn't it?

Dustman: ...Since when did you come up with all the good ideas?

Skullman: That would certainly do the trick.

Drillman: Alright. How do we get it?

Toadman: (shrugs his shoulders) I dunno. I did my part and more. Have fun! (hops out of the circle)

Brightbabe: Tundraman made it sound like Torchman has more he's willing to give to whoever he's training.

Drillman: So we pretend to be his students, and tell Tundraman that we will teach it to Kryptoman ourselves. It's perfect!

Pharaoh Woman: Doesn't it bother you that we're using Tundraman like this?

Drillman: No.

Dustman: (shakes hand) Ehhhh.

Skullman: If he is a fellow Cossacker, he will understand.

Pharaoh Woman: And you do realize this will kill Dr. Cossack too, right?

Diveman: Screw him. Crazy prick stuck us in a trap 'n invaded my brain. God's got a nice toasty spot in Hell cooked up fer him. *

*Mechs, Series 9, Issue #14, Making Friends Part 3

Dustman: (eyes narrow) My thoughts exactly.

Pharaoh Woman: ...Oh. Right. That.

Ringman: (trying to poke his head in) Can I be part of the discussion?

Drillman: If and when you can be trusted as part of the group.

Ringman: Okay. But just so you know, Tundraman's been off the phone for like two minutes now.

(Ringman points to Tundraman, who's staring at the group as they whisper to each other, his head tilted quizically.)

Drillman: And you're only just now telling us this?? This is why we couldn't trust you with this information!

Tundraman: ...Soooooo...I trust all the details have come together like snowflakes in a storm?

Drillman: No truer words have ever been spoken! But first, would Torchman be interested in taking on some new pupils?

Tundraman: Always! ...But what does that have to do with Kryptoman's surprise party?

Brightbabe: Because we intend to learn Torch-jutsu so we can pass it down to Kryptoman!

Tundraman: ...Is that so...? Hmmmm...

Dustman: Is something wrong?

Tundraman: As much as I appreciate the sentiment, I do not like the idea of going behind Master Torchman's back like this. Even for one of my family members...

Skullman: Did you not say Torch-jutsus brought you inner peace and serenity?

Tundraman: ...Indeed. But it is not the path for everyone. Torchman lost five other pupils fairly recently, all of whom claimed were ready to unravel its secrets. But within fifteen minutes of the training, grew restless and unfocused.

Skullman: I understand your reservations. But as you guessed, Kryptoman is severely unbalanced. We've tried a variety of treatments, but none of them were successful. We understand it is a longshot, but we believe achieving inner peace will help him find stability. And based on your testimonies, meditation through Torch-jutsu is the only way.

Tundraman: Torch-jutsus does not restore balance, it only helps you find it. You cannot find balance if it is not there. I sincrely doubt Torchman could help him achieve it if he had two hundred years. Much less a bunch of well-meaning amateurs who have only attended one session. All the more reason why I can't go behind Torchman's back like this.

Drillman: You see-

Toadman: We need to learn Torch-jutsu to make us more badass so we can kick Kryptoman's ass!!

Ringman: Flippy!!

Diveman: Dear God, why?!?

Toadman: What?? He's family, right? We can tell him everything! Yeah, Kryptoman's cray-cray. He's tried to kill us numerous times, and he's actually killed our last Diveman.*

*Season 2, Ep 7, Bonding of Two

(The entire group shoots him whithering glares. Cheerfully oblivious to their glares, Flippy continues.)

Toadman: He only got worse after he got fused with Dr. Cossack's insane brain. That's why he acts like he's talking to himself. They're both controlling the same buffed out, but stylishly-dressed body. Last time we saw them, they tried to assimilate the entire world, and brainwashed half our team to boot. Did I miss anything, guys?

(Skullman is shaking his head, Diveman is banging his head off a wall, Dustman is facepalming, Brightbabe is covering her face, Pharaoh Woman is looking away with shame, Ringman is throwing his arms up in exasperation, Drillman is folding his arms and tapping his foot.)

Toadman: Oh, right! Dr. Cossack also sold out humanity to another cray-cray robot warlord, and tried to help him take over the world. But that's another can of worms.

Diveman: ...That's...That's jus' dandy, Flip...

Skullman: ...Ummm...Ignore him. He was recently released from a robot psychiatric hospital and is still recovering from his treatment-

Tundraman: I'd be happy to help you.

Skullman: ...What...?

Tundraman: It all fits, and certainly explains volumes about who he is. Now that I know this, I shudder to think the damage he could've done if he had stayed at Torchman's dojo. Why didn't you tell me he was so dangerous?

Brightbabe: ...Sorry. You sounded so chummy about him and fellow Cossackers, we thought you wouldn't have it in you to lay a finger on him.

Tundraman: I take no pleasure in fighting family. But if he's a menace, he must be stopped. It's no contest.

Ringman: ...Well, then. That went better than I thought it would.

Toadman: I keep telling you, honesty is the best policy! Nobody listens to me!

Diveman: Don' thin' anybody's gonna start now.

Tundraman: Then we are all in agreement. We will use this surprise party to vanquish our rogue family member once and for all. Follow me. We haven't got much time.

Brightbabe: Well, whether you're Rebel or not, I'm glad to have you here. It's kinship like ours' that makes us a team and a family.

Over-1: (over radio) Hello?? Anybody?! There's just no end to these horny interdimensional freaks! And if I don't get back-up, they're going to do things to me! Scary things!

Apotosis: (over radio) Class two Cross-World Contact detected. Intermundane contact is prohibited.

Apotosis: (over radio) Prepare for....Punishment...<33333

Over-1: Nonono! NOOOOOO!! Not like this!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

Drillman: Would somebody turn that down?

Kalinka: (turns radio off) Sorry. I bumped into it as I was turning on Netflix.

Raphael: This is only the beginning of the Comrades' new adventures with their long-lost brother. Will their trap be enough to stop Kryptoman? Are they still just turning on their own family like a pack of wolves? Only time-

Gabriel: Hey Mikey! I found him! He's in. The game room!

Michael: This time, you're staying in that broom closet, Raph!

Raphael: I'm as good as any of you, and you know iitttttt!!!

(Gabriel and Michael both grab a struggling Raphael and drag him off.)