Maniacs On Patrol

By Hadrian (Hardman) Howell

The Shipment Job (or The New Guy)

"I understand only portions of our current situation," Topman said, looking at me.

"Shoot," I shrugged. "What's on yer mind, Toppers?"

"Well, I understand the fact that the truck is making its way here with some of the RPD's new equipment."

"Right."

"And I understand that I am merely here to check things off of a list while you remove them from the truck."

"Tha's th' basics," I nodded.

"And I also understand that Needlegal is here for security purposes, to ensure that no large and unruly protest group tries to make off with weapons and equipment."

"True."

"Which leave the only thing left for me to understand is him," Topman said, pointing at the fourth robot in the room.

He was a little odd-looking, I had to admit. In a world full of humanoid robots, he had it half right. He looked up at Topman. "I'm here to learn," he told my small-ish companion with a bright, innocent smile.

What we were looking at was the RPD's latest recruit. His name was Gaderham. He's one of the few people I've ever met that his appearance matches his name, somehow.

Gaderham was a fairly average looking robot from the waist up. He sported curved lines and decals that advertised his job on the police force. His fingers were little more than small ball bearings on short sticks that could shift around on the end of his arm, which made watching him hold things slightly confusing and a little painful. His legs, however, were really just... well, they were wheels. Tough-looking wheels, mind you, that he could probably cross just about any terrain with, but wheels nonetheless. They lifted his waist a fair six inches off the ground, but they were attached by regular hip-joints, meaning he could lean one way or another, or even strike a dramatic-ish pose. He liked doing that, which is why I know. He gave off a fairly... stubby appearance, and he was about two inches shorter than the smallest member of the Maniacs.

Who was, even now, looking at him with that facial expression Top occasionally gets when he's can't truly come to terms with the things his eyes are seeing. I mean, I've seen some odd stuff, but I've never seen someone who looks like Gaderham does and then... well, ACTS like Gaderham does. He was an immortal optimist. I could tell by that grin that pasted itself on his face whenever he wasn't talking.

"S' standard pra'tice," I said with shrug. "Rookies get easy jobs 'til they get dropped inta a bad situation where they either prove themselves er die."

"Sounds more like most cop movies," Needlegal put in with a grin.

"Somethin' like it."

I glanced sidelong at Gaderham, who was raising his hand. I wish I was kidding. "Whaddaya need, kid?" I asked him.

"I don't want to sound like a worrier," he said with no hesitation, "but the shipment was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago."

It occured to me that he was right. "Top?"

"It is worrisome," Topman nodded. "Shall I go investigate?"

"Not alone, you're not," Needlegal said.

"And I can't say I'd be comfortable with splitting up the group," Gaderham submitted. This got him mixed looks from the rest of us. I admit, I was impressed by the level of common sense he was displaying. I dunno what the other two thought of him.

"Fair enough," I said after a small silence.

"We should alert HQ that there may be a problem and get someone to keep an eye out here in case the truck arrives while we're out looking," Needlegal said. "We'll trace the route the shipment was scheduled to take back to the outskirts of the city and then start a broader search if we haven't found it or heard anything from HQ." Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I'm reminded that Needlegal is still very much Shadowman's sister, and shares his insight and ability to come up with a plan on the fly.

And so it was that we found ourselves moving through the dusk that was settling over Monsteropolis, walking like a group of high school friends. Topman and Needlegal were exchanging stories, whic left me with Gaderham. He trundled along merrily, seemingly unconcerned with anything in the world. "So...," I said after a while, attracting his attention, "why th' RPD? Why join up?"

Gaderham looked at me and thought about it for a moment. "Well, I don't know. My last job was stressful, and my life was never really what I wanted it to be, you know?"

I thought about how much I'd rather be in my bar, serving drinks. "Yeah, I know."

"So I felt I needed a change," he said simply. "Hopefully, I can do some good."

"Well, ya got a good head on yer shoulders," I told him. "Don't get killed, an yer gonna be jus' fine."

We continued on for a while, and I learned some more about Gaderham as we went. Underneath the mindless optimism was a guy who liked the idea of making the world safer with a mind for tactics and a head for numbers. I mean, don't get me wrong, most robots do, but it's been a while since I've seen a robot who can instantly recall down to the centimeter the range, accuracy scores, clip (and extended clip) capacity, ammunition caliber and number of firefights any military weapon I could think of to quiz him on. He was like a super accountant with police training.

Our conversation was cut short when we found the truck in an empty church parking lot, overturned and on fire.

"Ah, sunuvabi-"

The explosion ripped through the air, catching the church on fire and blasting Needlegal and Topman clear off their feet. The truck's fuel tank had gone up spectacularly. Interestingly enough, the only thing I could think of was how Gaderham had stayed standing, His balance system for those wheel-legs had to be pretty good. Me? If you have to ask, seriously, go home.

I squinted to see through the smoke and was barely able to make out a figure that was moving swiftly through the clouds. I made a noise that might have been English and fired a Hard Knuckle to intercept the figure as Topman leapt back onto his feet and Gaderham helped Needlegal upright. I predictably missed, but it drove our mystery guest out into the open.

I can't say I was pleased with the surprise.

"Spinman?" Topman said with little chock in his voice. "It does not really surprise me that you are responsible for this."

The robot with the disc on his head gave us a grin. "And it probably won't surprise you to know I'm not alone."

"Not really," I grumbled, turning toward a new sound of heavy footsteps to see Golemman. The oversized member of the Evil Eight looked at least a little menacing in the firelight. I could also make out Warman, Artilleryman, and Clawman. We were outnumbered, and one way or the other, this was going to be over before backup could get here. Nevertheless, we tried. "Hey, boss?" I said over the team link, "Needles, Top an' I could use a hand 'er two at th' church tha's a lil' on fire."

"There's a church on fire?" Sparkchan gasped in response.

"Only a lil' bit..."

"What's going on?" she demanded.

"A confirmed Five of the Evil Eight have raided the RPD shipment we were supposed to be unloading," Needlegal cut in. "Not sure if there were others, and I have no idea if they stole anything before the truck blew up. Any and all backup would be appreciated, Mechs."

"On the way," Snakeman responded, and his sentiment was followed up by Sparkchan.

In the meantime, Topman was bantering with Spinman. "You have to get a better hobby," Topman was saying. "All you ever do is upset me."

"Aw, is kiddy toy gonna cry?" Spinman laughed. "Guys, let's take them down for good!"

Golemman charged forward with a roar, forcing me to move to intercept him. The world seemed to shake as he collided with me and I slid back at least a yard before I got my balance back. I took a quick step forward and threw two quick punches, forcing him to commit his dangerous arms to blocking my blows.

Behind me, Gaderham opened fire on Warman with a standard-issue arm cannon, and I caught sight, barely, of the plasma skittering along the larger robot's armor. The crazy day-glo orange vortex that had once been Topman whirled into action again, and it was satisfying to glimpse Spinman's face as he realized that despite his hopes and prayers, Topman could still kick his ass in a one-on-one fight.

The glowing fist that smashed into my shoulder was a reward for being distracted, and my whole body pitched to the side to absorb the impact. I swore and used my new orientation to throw my full weight into a punch that became a Hard Knuckle halfway through. The sudden, point-blank shot caught Golemman off guard and he rocked back with the force of the blow, shifting one foot back. I took advantage of the moment and slammed my other hand into his chest open-palmed before launching it off of my elbow. The open-handed Hard Knuckle forced Golemman to obey the eternal will of gravity, and he hit the ground hard. My other hand came back to me and I had enough time to look and see Needlegal pumping twin lines of spiked death in the direction of Artilleryman, who was having some difficulty avoiding both her and the flaming remains of the truck and the burning shape of the church.

Clawman, however, had made no move to attack. I remembered that he had a sort of personal goal of besting Shadowman in combat, and was probably waiting for him to arrive. I'd have checked on Gaderham, but Golemman was standing back up. I swung a fist to put it down again, but he caught it in one hand before throwing a punch with his left. I caught his fist in my hand and planted my feet to resist his attempt at overpowering me. Golemman growled low at me as he tried to push me over, so I did what I could think of.

My head met Golem's at a decent speed. Not enough to cause a LOUD noise, but almost certainly enough to hurt. I know it hurt me a little, and I think my opponent's eyes crossed momentarily, but I couldn't leverage that moment into an advantage. I swore loudly as he started trying to overpower me again. With little else in the way of option, I hit a mental switch and my chest opened up like the gates of hell, the short cannon clicking forward before it spent itself with thunderous report.

The spiked cannonball crashed into Golemman's chest and took him completely by surprise. Shock and pain rocked him back on his heels as the ball dopped heavily onto the pavement and I shot forward and slammed my shoudler into his midsection, using my grip o the one hand to help lift him off the ground, albeit with considerable effort.

I caught sight of Warman and didn't think twice before heaving Golemman in that direction, the throw assisted by my own two Hard Knuckles. The other robot never saw it coming as they both fell to the ground, the noise and shouting telling me at least one of Warman's arms was crushed.

I doublechecked on Gaderham, who gave me a greatful look before firing a few more shots at the two prone robots. I turned to make sure that Topman (who was just a kinetic tornado with Spinman's screams of pain coming out of the middle now) and Needlegal were okay, and managed to see the second-to-last possible instant before Clawman sank his namesake claws into her back.

I say second-to-last because, at the LAST possible instant, Clawman suddenly jerked to one side and fell limply to the floor. A second later I heard the crack of the rifle, even over the roar of the fires Artilleryman had been forced into by Needlegal. Snakeman had fired from eight blocks away on the top of an office building to disable Clawman. It was a shot I had to shake his hand for when I saw him again.

A burning Artilleryman tried to make a break for it, but he was swiftly gunned down by my needle-slinging ally, and Golemman and Warman were not trying to get up so much as crawl away. Topman eventually ended Spinman's punishment, and the disc-headed robot collapsed into two or three pieces after a moment.

With the members of the Evil Eight eliminated, all that was left was determining if there was anything missing from the truck. Gaderham rolled in close as the flames died down, and as fire crews pulled up to save the church from the fire, he disappeared into the ruined wreckage of the truck's bay. I barely had time to ask him what was going on before he rolled back out again, his arms crossed and his face lost in thought.

"Nothing's missing," he said with certainty, "but most of this isn't useable anymore."

"We should check everything against the list," Topman told him.

"No doubt," Gaderham replied with a nod.

Needlegal took in the wreckage and ruin as Sparkchan and Snakeman arrived on the scene. "Well, all in all, we did okay. Good job, rookie."

"Thank you, ma'am."

"Is everyone okay?" Sparkchan asked as she approached. I shrugged and let her take a good look at my shoulder and some of the other damage Golemman had managed to inflict. After a while, she nodded happily. "No major damage to anyone. I take it we won, then?"

"Pre'y handily," I told her. "Rookie here did good fer his first engagemen' wi' th' enemy."

"Good to hear," Snakeman said, a smile on his face. "I get the feeling the RPD is going to need all the help it can get."

"I'll do my best, sir," Gaderham said, saluting smartly.

"All right people," Needlegal said, stretching out and giving up a yawn, "let's go back to base and get all the paperwork sorted out."

"I'll grab th' truck," I sighed.