Series 8 Issue #12 - Ascension Part 1

RPD HQ. Topman walks into the Mech's quarters within the facility to find Crorq standing at attention at the head of the room.

Topman: Oh, shit.

Shakeman: Topman! Language!

Topman: Whatever. What's going on?

Crorq: Actually, that is precisely what I wish to ask you.

(Crorq tears into a Subway sub, wrapper and all, spilling its contents on the floor.)

Needlegal: We have no idea what you mean.

Crorq: No? Hm. Oh, Mechs. How long has it been? Even with your long absence from the force I feel like hardly any time has passed at all since you have joined our ranks.

Geminiman: Although sometimes it feels like an eternity.

(Crorq squashes the remainder of the sub in his spindly hand, spilling the rest into a heap onto the floor, its juices running over his gleaming steel.)

Crorq: Oh you think so, do you? To tell the truth, I feel the same. Each and every one of you has been a disappointment and a failure!

Magnetman: Whoa there, pard. That's goin' mighty far.

Crorq: Especially, Sheriff, you! You were supposed to be loyal!

Magnetman: And I am loyal.

Crorq: (Snort) Loyal? I know you people have been interfering with the construction of the space cruiser to bring my fellow Galactic Council members and myself to our new home in the heavens.

Snakeman: We haven't -

Crorq: SILENCE YOU VILE WORM! I know it was you who accessed my backup in the storeroom*. Did you really think I'd believe it was that insipid Toadman? That fool is good for...Well...I'll figure that one out later.

(*Curse of the Lion Men)

Shakeman: I can't believe you guys would break into someone's backup! It's so -

Crorq: Nobody asked for your opinion, Shake.

Shadowman: If you think all of that (and I'm not admitting to anything, but just for the sake of argument) then why are we still here?

Crorq: Here? You mean in a comfortable job? With a steady source of income? With a base and repairs all handled for you? As opposed to saving the world out of a pathetic sense of charity and having to live out of a warehouse, a van, or someone else's house? Is THAT what you mean by "HERE" you miserable, ungrateful, wretch!?

Shadowman: Erm -

Topman: You make us sound pretty pathetic when you list it all like that.

Crorq: Because, despite your attitude problem, you lot have been mostly effective in handling problems as they arise. You're still useful. Now I, personally, couldn't give a Chicken McNugget whether or not you care for me; I am leaving.  I'll remain in command of the Robot Police, but our own personal interactions will finally end as I take wing to a bigger and brighter future. So maybe it's time for you to stop this petty childishness and just let me go!

(Crorq opens his panels and draws out a 2 liter bottle of coke, proceeds to open it, and then starts drinking it down making loud, unnecessary, gulping noises.  Crorq turns to leave.)

Topman: What about Gaderham?

Crorq: Gaderham?

Topman: The guy who shared some of your responsibilities as chief of police? Nice guy on wheels? Very effective? Very likeable? If you're on the council why not leave him in charge?

Crorq: Oh, Mr. Sunshine. He was transferred.

Topman: He didn't say anything.

Crorq: It was sudden. And I'm afraid contact information and mission details are classified.

(Crorq leaves the room, leaving a trail of Coke behind him.)

Snakeman: Gaderham's gone? We haven't seen him in a while, but I didn't think Crorq would just get rid of him.

Hardman: I can see it. Crorq's the kind of guy who'd get rid of Gaderham permanently. He doesn't give a shit about anyone.

Magnetman: Now, that's jumping to conclusions.

Snakeman: Mags! Look, I know Crorq programmed you, but you do see he's a bad guy, right?

Magnetman: Well...he's low down, it's true. And he's right foul to be around. But I don't quite think I'm ready to pull the trigger on him.

Snakeman: Mags - !

Geminiman: Do you truly think he belongs on the council? You know what he's capable of.

Magnetman: I know what Snake says he found.

Geminiman: And you're really doubtful that it's the truth? Can you really let someone like him on to the Galactic Council?

Shadowman: Mags, I appreciate the loyalty. But Crorq isn't loyal to you. Or even to doing the right thing. Crorq's just in this for himself. His own personal power.

Needlegal: We can't let someone that corrupt be in charge of everything!

Spark Chan: Have you guys thought about what would happen if this doesn't work? I was with you so far, but I have to think about my daughter Shoryu too.

Shadowman: This'll work. It'll be fine.

Hardman: I'll tell you all what. I don't give a rat's ass if Crorq's on the Council or not. But if we're taking him down, you can count on me.

Magnetman: Alright, dang it. I'm in. What's the plan?

Shadowman: As you know there's a cruiser coming to take the council away. We can't stop them from leaving anymore. Crorq's already onto us, so it just won't work.

Snakeman: Then game over, right? Once he's flown the coop there's no way we can get to him.

Shadowman: I think we've been looking at this from the wrong angle all along. Maybe we want the shuttle to take off.

Hardman: So we can take out all the rotten bums on the council!

Shadowman: What? No!

Geminiman: Are you sure you're not still on the Scissor Army?

Hardman: What? They're all scumbags.

Needlegal: Maybe so, but we can't say they're all corrupt in the same way Crorq is.

Hardman: I say kill 'em all and let the robot god sort it out.

Shadowman: And I say that much is unnecessary. No, we're doing this with precision. Snake and I will sneak aboard the shuttle. Plan A will involve poisoning Crorq using a snake. With his backup destroyed that'll be the end of him. Plan B will involve taking Crorq out in a more...conventional way. From the shadows.

Hardman: Hey, wait! I don't get a piece?

Snakeman: You're not exactly discreet, Hard. Shadow and I are the stealthiest members of the team. We don't want to alarm any of the members on the council.

Shadowman: Right.

Magnetman: I want in.

Shadowman: What?

Magnetman: Things could go sideways. You never know when an extra hand could come in handy on a job like this.

Needlegal: You're sure you want to be "hands on" for this?

Magnetman: Damn right. I'm not a halfway sort of guy. Maybe I'm not as sneaky as a ninja or a snake, but I'm two times sneakier than jumbo or gems over there.

Hardman: "Jumbo"!?

Geminiman: "Gems"!?

Shadowman: ...alright, Mags. You're in.

Galaxyman: (From the hallways outside the room the Mechs were in) Make way for the conquering heroes!

(The Mechs all look outside and are stunned to see the Sterling Sentinels escorting Gyroman through the halls. The augmented Robot Master was in large handcuffs and appeared to be heavily damaged.)

Needlegal: What's this? You've captured Gyroman!?

Gyroman: Ugghh...Cap'n's never going to let me hear the end of this...

Magmaman: That's right!

Concreteman: It weren't nuthin'.

Gyroman: Yeah, it was a riveting story.  Why don't we let Tornadoman tell it?  Oh, right!  I forgot!  He couldn't be here this afternoon! 

(Croncreteman angrily hits Gyro over the head.)

Gyroman: Wow. If I knew that's all you had, I would've said something REALLY offensive.

Splash Woman: Silence.

(A hush falls from ahead of the crowd and it parts to reveal two members of the Galactic Council - Mr. Holzenbein and Tar.)

Mr. Holzenbein: So this is one of those famous "Scissor Army Robot Masters."

Gyroman: (Snort) Yeah. Careful.  We bite.

Splash Woman: Indeed, sir. This man is dangerous.

Gyroman: Only "dangerous"?  Just how many more Tornadomen do I need to blow up to get some frickin' street-cred around here??

Tar: He doesn't look too tough to me.

Mr. Holzenbein: Indeed. Although I was really hoping it would be that Crystalgirl robot. Such a fine specimen could be...enhanced and used for more...constructive purposes.

Tar: Uh...

Gyroman: ...Good luck. Napalmman's been barking up that tree for years, little man.

Needlegal: That's unsettling on any number of levels.

Gyroman: You have no idea.  But you know what?  You can ask her all the juicy details herself.

(The lights dim slightly as Gyroman chuckles.)

Geminiman: What was that?

Topman: I have no idea. There's too many people crowded in the hall!

(The lights dim again.)

Mr. Holzenbein: Hm, sweet Crystalgirl. With just the right modifications... Although any one of them could do just as well, as a matter of fact.

Splash Woman: Um.

Spark Chan: Wait, did he just sexually harass us!?

Needlegal: He did not just say what I thought he did!

Topman: DUDE! I know I'm tops, but -

Mr. Holzenbein: No, not you.

Topman: It's cuz I'm short, isn't it? It's always about my damned height!

(The lights dim once more and a muffled explosion could be heard from outside.)

Gyroman: Showtime.

Galaxyman: Did they start the fireworks already? I know we captured a big fish, but I didn't expect anything like this! Do you...doyou think there'll be cake?

Magmaman: I don't think that's it.

Shakeman: (Over the speaker) Uh, attention all robot police officers. Do not be alarmed, but it appears that we are, uh, under some kind of -

Crorq: (Barely audible, also over the speaker) YOU SUCK AT THIS! Give the microphone to me.


Tar: What!? How could they have breached security? We have a scrambler field that prevents outside teleportation, they can't have gotten through it.

Gyroman: ...Unless someone brought in and activated the right kind of tracker, you dumb furball.

Magmaman: You mean you let us get you!?

(The building rocks as something attacks it from outside.)

Shadowman: Later! Get him into a cell. Council Members, get into the safe room! Sentinels, I'm leaving half of you to organize that. As for the rest of us...prepare for combat!

Hardman: Aw, yeah! Finally, some action!

(Outside, the scene is mayhem. The Ascendant Androids are attacking RPD headquarters from all sides, having teleported past the city's main defenses. For the first time since the post-War lull mothballed them, a wide variety of RPD robot types have assembled and engaged in attacks. SWAT teams and K-9 units were ripped to shreds by Crystalgirl, Mark 1s and 2s were thrown aside like rag dolls by Gravityman, and even several ancient retired models were dispatched to fight (although most saw the good sense in merely running away.)

Scissor Joes: Death to the Robot Police!

Napalmman: Fuck those thumbsuckers!  I want to see RPD HQ ground-hammered right into the fucking ground!

Gravityman: I'm sure you do.  (Throws a car into a building in exactly the other direction.)

Napalmman: Arrgghhh!!  Somebody remind me to scoop your CPU out of your ass with a pair forceps later!  Chargeman! Knock the fucker down!

Chargeman: RAAAHHH!!! (Chargeman tears through the side of the building and through a blockade and proceeds to demolish the wide assortment of cars in the parking lot, none of which include RPD to Napalmman's irritation.)

Napalmman: For the love of-What part of "BLOW THE BUILDING UP" do you miswired cocknugggets have trouble understanding?! 

Waveman: Oh, give us a break!  You've been shrieking and barking at us so many times, it's meaningless now!

Napalmman: We got a job to do, and we're gonna do it right, piss-for-brains!!

Waveman: Oh, I'll get to it.  When I feel like it. This is the first time in a coon's age I got to sink my teeth into some hapless bystanders, and I ain't gonna let it go to waste! 

Napalmman: Did I sound like I was asking?! Get your head outta yer formless ass and - Oh you did NOT just cut me off, you harebrained giggling pile of piss!!

(At that moment Napalmman is rocked back by a Dive Missile to the chest.)

Diveman: So that's why you asshats haven't been attacking together. You hate each other's guts!

Napalmman: Alright, somebody just signed their death warrant in big red capital - Hey, wait. Diveman? Sweet titty-fucking Elysium!  What happened to you? You shrink in the wash?

Diveman: Oh, hell no! I'm not takin' this shit from you, ya Rambo wannabe!

Napalmman: For the love of, is this all I have left to deal with?!  Is anybody taking me seriously anymore?! Go run home to poppa before I unscrew your head and shit down your neck!

Hardman: (After crashing on top of the large black robot) Good idea! I got this!

Diveman: Damnit, butterball!!  This fucker's MY archnemesis!!  Get yer own! 

Drillman: (Over the comm) Stop fighting and work together! We're going to need all the help we can get for these guys!  And by that, I don't mean you, Mechs.  Or Ring.

Ringman:  ...Of course not.

(Drillman himself rolled as Waveman threw his evil-looking spear of water at the explosive robot.)

Waveman: Ooh!  I didn't know Drillmen came in bite-sized varieties!  Do you come with your own dipping sauce?  Kyahahahaha!!

Drillman: I knew one of these days Ring's stash of bottled water would turn against us! 

Spark Chan: How morbid!

(Spark hits Waveman with another large burst of electricity and the watery robot reforms himself.)

Waveman: On second thought, I think I'll just have the main course now!

Spark Chan: I'm not anybody's lunch! 

Drillman: Wait, what's this he said about there being more than one Drillman??

(Elsewhere Shadowman aids Pharaoh Woman and Dustman in battling Crystalgirl. The robot delivers a strike from the shadows as Pharaoh distracts her with her showy, fiery attacks.)

Pharaoh Woman: By Set, you are a tricksome one aren't you? Using my light as a means to attack from the shadows. Cool!

Shadowman: That's me in a nutshell.

Cystalgirl: And this is me in a nutshell.

(Crystalgirl rains razor sharp shards at the group. As expected they split apart into smaller shards as they hit the walls and ricochet around, cutting the group of robots as they scramble to avoid the attack.)

Dustman: Geez! 15 years on ice really hasn't improved her disposition, has it?

 (Gravityman laughs softly as Magnetman resists the pressure pressed upon him by the insane robot's attack.)

Gravityman: Not bad, not bad.

Magnetman: Thanks...Pard...

Gravityman: But you're at the end of your rope, "pard." Your power is just pathetic compared to my own. But I'm enjoying our battle of wills - YEOWCH!

(Gravity is suddenly blinded by a flash of light. The momentary lapse in concentration is enough for Magnetman to fire off bullets in rapid succession.)

Bright Babe: Hah! That'll teach him!

Magnetman: Nice ambush, but take care! He's not out, not by a long -

(Bright Babe is thrown in the air and Magnetman feels himself drawn towards a fiery wreck of a police car. Thinking quickly, Magnetman used his own power to knock the wreck out of the way before crashing into the ground again.)

Gravityman: Blinding me with a walking spotlight.  Honestly.  Would I do something that cowardly to you?  

(Chargeman continues to tear apart everything he sees - which, much to Napalmman's outrage does not include RPD headquarters.)

Chargeman: Crrrrrrrrrrrrush! Smmmmmmmmmmash! Desssssssssstroy! RAAAAHHHHH!!!!

(Chargeman is knocked back.)

Chargeman: Rrrrrr?

Topman: (Landing on his feet) Not even Gamma can stand against my Top Spin. Give it up, you know you want to.

Ringman: Don't get cocky. Everybody knows Gamma's a pushover.

(Chargeman gets up to speed and charges at the two robot masters.)

Topman: Say what!?

Ringman: Look, it's true. I know you guys thought you could take over the world with that thing at one point, but - LOOK OUT!

(The robots scatter as Charge barrels through them.)

Ringman: I think we need to focus on tripping Charge up.

Topman: No way, you're not getting away with what you said about Gamma.

Starman: (while tearing through RPD forces) (Sigh) This sort of work is beneath me. Where are the lights? The cameras? My adoring fans? Scissor Joes?

Scissor Joes: Kill now for -

Starman: Yes, yes, yes, Elysium. The glorious world without humans. Would it kill you to appreciate my work? It's a shame the General programmed you without any appreciation for the arts.

Geminiman: Then maybe you should stop trying to kill humans and start preforming for them? That way you'll get the audience you crave.

Starman: (Turning dramatically) Ah, Geminiman. The legendary Lennon. One of the longest serving AIs on the Robot Police.  How fortunate it must be for you to see me in person. 

Geminiman: And you, the latest Scissor Army recruit.

Starman: I don't suppose you'd care to rejoin our cause. Your time as the White Knight of the Scissor Army is legendary.  It's almost as magnificent as my stellar tenure. 

Geminiman: I was manipulated into that by that accursed Mesmerman! I never -

(Geminiman's speech is cut short and rapid fire erupts from behind him. Starman is startled and barely manages to dodge.)

Skullman: What are you two doing?

Geminiman: What? What was THAT!?

Skullman: An attack. Something I couldn't help but notice you weren't doing.

Starman: You barbarian!  There are RULES you must follow!

(Skullman activates his Barrier and dashes at Starman. With a snarl Star activates his own Star Crash and the two shields clash.)

Skullman: No one said you weren't invited, Mech.

Geminiman: Ohhhh! You! You really don't understand how this is all done, do you?

(Elsewhere, Stoneman adds rubble from the surrounding concrete to bulk up his damaged form.)

Needlegal: Dammit. It's easy enough to chip away at him, but he keeps bulking up.

Stoneman: I can keep this up all day. Can you?

Needlegal: Little help here, boys? Boys!?

Snakeman: Help you? Why don't you help me??

Toadman: (Playing a harp) Come, Helena! Let us go away together! 

Snakeman: I'm not "Helena!" Stop calling me "Helena"!

Toadman: But I've already made reservations at the finest bistro in town!

(Toadman reaches down his throat and pulls out a half-eaten plate of spaghetti)

Snakeman: Freak!

Stoneman: ...And I thought we had problems...

(Stoneman hurls rocks at Needlegal, catching her off-guard.

Needlegal: Oof! Damn it.

Stoneman: Now hold still!

(Needlegal barely dodges Stoneman's large stone axe.)

Needlegal: Have you ever met a guy named Golemman? I think you two would get along famously.

(As the Mechs and Cossacks take on the Ascendant Androids, the Sterling Sentinels rally the regular Robot Police Units against the hordes of Scissor Joes)

Officer Bot: I've had nightmares like this.

Neo Officer: Are you kiddin' me? I was made for this! They took my line outta commission when the War ended: I'm just glad to be back on the job.

Officer bot: Seriously? What were you doing this whole time?

Neo Officer: They put me in charge of guarding R&D.

Neo Officer: You're lucky. I got stuck as a mall cop.

Neo Officer: Well, I worked retail. Women's shoes, you know.

Neo Officer: What!?

Officer bot: That seems a little demeaning.

Neo Officer: Uh, yeah. Demeaning. That's...exactly what it was. I don't miss it or anything.

Hornetman: Focus, people! There's too much at stake to let yourself get distracted now!

SWAT bot: Feh. You regular types. No focus on the job.

Hornetman: That goes for you too.

Splash Woman: I can't believe we let Gyro pull the wool over our eyes like that. And the way he slipped through our fingers during the chaos? I feel like such an idiot. Like...Galaxyman!

Hornetman: I know what you mean.

Galaxyman: Yeah, I feel like me too. Hey, wait a minute...

Concreteman: Where's World's Strongest? They might have the most misleading team name of all time, but we really could use all the help we can get.

Splash Woman: They're fighting the Dream Team in Yumland. Don't expect them to come to our rescue. The Mechs and the Cossacks may have been assigned to stop the Ascendant Androids, but don't let that rattle you. We're the Sterling Sentinels! Let's show them all what we can do!

Magmaman: Hell yeah!

Plugman: Let's show 'em all who's boss!

Jewelman: And that I'm brighter and shinier than Gemini can ever hope to be!


Plugman: What?

(The battle rages on! However, Diveman is blasted apart by one of Napalmman's bombs.)

Diveman:  SHYEAAGGHH!!

Napalmman:  Stick to the Lollipop Guild, munchkin!!   

(Hardman uses the opportunity to slug Napalmman with a Hard Knuckle.)

Hardman: Aw, got a little hurt there?

Diveman: Kiss my nuked ass, ya fat heathen...!

Napalmman: (Elbows Hardman) Don't get cocky, you fat traitorous sack of shit.  I've got a napalm bomb with your name on it!

Hardman: I was forcibly reprogrammed, you dick. I was never - NEVER - actually on your side!

Spark Chan: Drill, hun...I'm sorry.

Drillman: Wait - hey!

(Spark Chan courses a great amount of electricity into Waveman's watery outer layer...while Drillman was impaled on Wave's trident.)



(Waveman slumps and Drillman twitches.)

Waveman: Ha!  You shocked your own buddy just to get me?  I like your style!!  I can think of at least six or seven other people I'd love to nail with friendly fire!  Half of them are Captain Asshat, actually.

Drillman: So, you and Ring are in cahoots together, are you?  I just knew it! What's he paying you?! I'll double it!

Spark Chan: I'm sorry, honey. I may not like resorting to violence.  But I can't let Wave run wild.

Drillman: ...And if you "accidentally" take me out of the picture at the same time, nobody would suspect you of anything!  It all adds up!

Spark Chan: Uh...How about I  bake you a cake afterwards! A nice yummy cake!

Drillman: That you poisoned, no doubt!  

Spark Chan: I'm sorry!

(Spark Chan shoots another blast of electricity through Waveman's water, electrocuting both of them as Waveman struggles to fight back.)

Waveman: (Over the radio) Little help, anyone?

Crystalgirl: Help yourself, slush head. We have our own problems.

(Crystalgirl sends another round of shards bouncing from the walls. The nimble Pharaoh Woman and the quick Shadowman manage to avoid the worst of it, but Dustman is impaled by more shards and fileted as Crystalgirl rips the shards out of him.)

Pharaoh Woman: Dust!

Dustman: I - I'm okay. Just get me to a repair bay.

Crystalgirl: Next time, don't bring a vacuum cleaner to a gunfight, dumbass.

Pharaoh Woman: By the righteous might of Ra and Osiris...I'll...I'll...uh, make you sorry for not picking on someone your own size!

Crystalgirl: (Zaps Pharaoh with her Crystal Eye laser) Like you, you wrinkly old smelly mummy woman?

Pharaoh Woman: "Mummy Woman"!? Hey!  I am queen of the Nile! Don't call me names! 

(Pharaoh Woman charges at Crystalgirl, but the evil robot was ready for her. Using her powers, Crystal showers Pharaoh with sharp crystals and pins her to the wall.)

Crystalgirl: Queen of the Nile my-

Pharaoh Woman: RAAAHHHH!!!!

(Despite being injured, Pharaoh jumps off the wall rams into Crystal, impaling her with her own crystals.)

Pharaoh Woman: Wait until Anubis get his hands on you!  He'll rip your still-beating heart out of your chest, you witch!!

Crystalgirl: Heh, I like your guts, sweetie. Too bad you're wasting it on the wrong people- UKK!

(With a look of shock Crystal looks down and sees a short sword sticking out of her stomach.)

Shadowman: Thank you for the distraction, Pharaoh.

Pharaoh Woman: were there the entire time?

Shadowman: Of course. You didn't think I left, did you? I was just waiting for the right time to strike.

Pharaoh Woman: Leaving Dust and I to our fates!?  You jerk! 

Shadowman: Um, that's not really the way I saw it -

(Crystalgirl reforms her crystal shards into a whip and swats Shadow and Pharaoh aside.)

Crystalgirl: That was cute. Reeaaal cute.

(Shadowman ducks back into his shadow as crystal shards explode from Crystal's whip, badly damaging Pharaoh, who is still holding onto her.)

Crystalgirl: You're out of your league, "your highness". Just ask the Gila Gladiators. Trust me, they put up a better fight than you.

Pharaoh Woman: Yeah?  Well uh...You're not facing the Gila Gladiators!  You're contending...You're contending with the vessel of RA HIMSELF! 

(Fire explodes, engulfing both robots.)


Pharaoh Woman:  ...Ha...That...Sounded*cough*

Gravityman: Oh dear.  Honestly, I thought Crystal would do better than that. 

Bright Babe: She's your teammate!  Don't you care about her?

Gravityman: Hahaha.  That's funny.  You're funny.

(Bright Babe seems to fly through the air for a second before appearing in front of Gravityman who falls to the floor.)

Gravityman: Oooff!

Bright Babe: Was that funny?

Magnetman: Dang, girl, that's some mighty fine moves ya got there.

Bright Babe: Thanks, Magnet! That means a lot coming from a member of a veteran team like the Mechs. (Even though I actually have more experience than you).

Magnetman: You know, girl, we make a good team. You slow 'em down and I knock 'em out.

Bright Babe: Erm, I guess.

Magnetman: After all this is over we should...train a bit, darlin'. Just you and me.

Bright Babe: Wait, what is this?

(The two have no time to continue their awkward moment before both are shot up right in the air and slammed into the ground at high speeds.)

Gravityman: Yes, you two make a terrific team.

(Gravityman slams the pair of robots into the walls of buildings and back on the ground quickly and mercilessly.)

Gravityman: Fight as a team, die as a team.  How romantic.

(The ground shakes as Chargeman pounds his foot in glee.)

Chargeman: (While spinning Topman in circles) HAH HAH HAH HAH!!

Topman: C-r-r-r-r-r-a-a-a-a-a-p-p-p-p-p-p-!

Ringman: (While struggling out of rubble) Hang on, Tops! Help's at hand!

(Ringman throws a ring at Chargeman. The robot seems to smile and catches it in midair. Ringman swears as the larger robot gleefully put it on his finger.)

Chargeman: Pretty.

Ringman: Damn it!

Topman: At least I'm not spinning anymore.

Ringman: But you're Topman. Don't you love to spin?

Topman: It's not the same thing and you know it!

(Both robots are swatted aside as Chargeman returns his attention to them.)

Ringman: Got any bright ideas, Mech? Your "hit him on the top of the head with a Top Spin" one didn't go so well.

Topman: Hey, screw you, ring-a-ling!

(With a loud, gleeful bellow Chargeman slams both Ringman and Topman into the ground in quick succession.)

Chargeman: Haw haw haw!

Ringman: (Twitching on the ground) I...hate my life.

Topman: I hate your life too.

(Elsewhere Gemini and Skullman avoid stars which gouge large holes into the ground and proceed to plough through both Scissor Army and RPD forces.)

Scissor Joe: Whoa!

Police bot: Kinda reckless, isn't he?

Scissor Joe: Yeah, I - HEY! I'm not speaking to you! Kill now for -

Geminiman: So, I have to ask you...about one of your Toadmen. I was told you were the one to ask.

Skullman: Which one? I really only knew Regulus and Flippy.

Geminiman: That first one.

Skullman: Very well. What of him?

(The two dodge another burst of stars from Starman and a Geminiman fires off a Laser in retaliation. Starman deftly leaps out of the way.)

Geminiman: Is it true that he downloaded his girlfriend's mind into his own?

Skullman: Well, it just kind of happened when he took over her armour. Don someone's old armor, take a bit of their mind with you. That's how it works.  Well, that's how it was for him. I imagine it happens a lot.

Geminiman: No, it actually doesn't. But let me get this straight...his girlfriend was extremely schizophrenic, right?

Skullman: She was delusional with no idea of the true consequences of her actions. Though Regulus thought it was really quite sweet. She actually functioned as his conscience.

Geminiman: What!? Like Jiminy Cricket?

Skullman: If Jiminy Cricket suffered from schizophrenia and multiple personalities, then yes.

Starman: Hey.

Geminiman: And nobody thought to download her consciousness into a new body when it was discovered that her mind was fully active and aware?

Skullman: I never said it was the most logical thing Blue Fox could do.  He did it anyway.

Geminiman: His name is Blue Fox?

Skullman: That's his chosen code name.

Geminiman: I thought Regulus was his code name. And isn't he Toadman? Shouldn't he be the green toad or something?

Skullman: You're accusing Regulus of being a logical being. That's your first mistake, right there.  But to be fair, Green Toad is just...It's just terrible.  

Starman: Hey!!

Geminiman: What about...the jade frog?

Skullman: ...We already had a member named Jade at the time.  It only would've been confusing.  And even more terrible than Green Toad.

Geminiman: I've got it! The Emerald Leaper!

Skullman: ...And my teammates tell me I have no imagination.


(Starman barrels though both Geminiman and Skullman scorching both robots deeply.)

Geminiman: Gahhh! That heat!

Skullman: You're weak against heat, and you challenged Starman anyway? Even Flippy could tell you that was a bad idea.

Geminiman: I find his attitude offensive. Why did you go after Starman?

Skullman: We all just went after anyone other than who your boss told us to. He's your boss, not ours.

Starman: No, now's the time for both of you to die. Just stay still and I'll make it quick. There's no cameras around, so this really doesn't have to be flashy.

Geminiman: (While struggling to get up) So, your style is present only when people can record it? How pitifully weak! Such irresolution sickens me!

Skullman: Really? I was wrong.  You two deserve each other.

Geminiman: Why don't you start with him. I'll just let you do it.

(Needlegal rebounds from a crash as Stoneman continues his assault.)

Needlegal: Dammit! No matter how much I chip away at him, this guy's just going nowhere! And you two! Stop clowning around!

(Snakeman is trying to get away from a very different assault.)

Toadman: (Puckering his lips) We belong together!

Snakeman: (Covered with slimy hickies) I attacked you with Search Snakes!! Get the hint already!  GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!!

Needlegal: Boys, if you don't focus we could all be dead!

Stoneman: Don't listen to her! Just give into your passion for each other!

(The ground shakes and several large sections of asphalt rip free from the ground and attack the group of heroes.)

Needlegal: I TOLD you!

Snakeman: GAHH!!

Toadman: HELENAA!

Stoneman: Oops.  That was meant for the spiky girl.  My bad.

Toadman: My sweet, Helena! This is for you!

(Toadman launches his Rain Flush generator into the air and it causes acid rain to fall on the behemoth, which barely slows him down.)

Stoneman: Thanks! I could use a shower. I'm just covered in dirt for some reason.

Toadman: Come, bitter conduct!  Come unsavoury guide!  Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy seasick weary bark!  Here's to my love!

(Toadman continues to pour on the rain as Stoneman continues his merciless assault.)

Stoneman: This is really choking me up.  Really, I think there might tears.

Needlegal: I just have to avoid these - GAH!

(Needlegal is slammed by rocks as she tries to avoid Stoneman's attack. From the ground a hand emerges and swats her back into the whirlwind of debris.)

Stoneman: Make it rain acid or make it rain needles.  You can't beat sold Scissor Army enginee-Errk!

(Stoneman takes a step backwards and starts to twitch.)

Needlegal: He stopped!

Toadman: My sweet buttercup!  I have avenged ye!

Snakeman: No I did it. While he was busy pulverizing us, my Search Snakes were hard at work, burrowing into his body, finding the orbs that actually compose this beast.

Toadman: How did you know he's made of orbs!?

Snakeman: I read his file after the Androids started attacking us.

Toadman: You're every bit as cunning as you are ravishing, my sweet! (Showers him with kisses)

Needlegal: Okay, stop traumatizing the poor Snakeman. Let's just-

(Neeldegal's words are cut short as Stoneman explodes, showering the area in large rocks and hitting all the robots around them.)

Scissor Joe: Watch it!

Neo Officer: Aw, yeah. This brings me back!

Police bot: Stop finding this nostalgic. It's creepy.

(The Mechs look in horror as Stoneman reforms his body out of the rocks around him. They can see bits of Snakeman's snakes littered around the area.)

Stoneman: Now.  I'm.  MAD! 

(Stoneman's roar is cut short as he's blows apart from an attack coming from behind.)


Crorq: That's right, INFIDEL! HOWL in pain!

Needlegal: I can't believe this.

(Crorq charges in with Tar clutching on top of him.)

Tar: YES! Did you think you could attack us without retaliation?

Snakeman: And Tar too!?

Tar: Of course! I'd never miss a battle such as this.

Stoneman: You're a council member, aren't you?

Tar: Of course.

Stoneman: Good! Two council members, one Stone!

Crorq: Get inside! (Crorq quickly opens up his panels, revealing a disgusting interior, and just as quickly closes again with Tar inside.)

Tar: BY THE GODS! The stench in here! THE FILTH!


(Crorq is battered by rocks as Stoneman presses his former attack on the new council member. But Crorq's armor is thick and resistant. The yellow super computer fires his Gravy Train at the lumbering beast.)

Stoneman: What is this!? It's so thick!



(Hardman uppercuts the stunned Napalmman.)

Napalmman: You shit! I - I -

Hardman: Not used to a bot packing so much punch, are ya? Transmetal 3 armour. It looks like the world's caught up to the Red Skull. Oops, I mean, General Cutman (who is in no way connected to Skully).

Napalmman: Who the fuck are you talking about!?  And what makes you think I give a damn?!  I'm gonna crush you like I crushed little boy blue over there!

Diveman: (Damaged and some ways away) Keep laughing.  God's gonna smite your heathen ass.


Diveman:  Yep...Any minute now...

(Napalmman recklessly blasts the area with bombs. Hardman launches himself into the air to avoid the barrage. Hard comes crashing to the ground in moments, but Napalmman uses the treads on his feet to quickly dodge the attack.)

Napalmman: I'm gonna tear that armor offa you and then hang it up as a trophy! Eh?

(Napalmman looks to his shoulder and sees a Shadow Blade sticking out of it. Then he looks up and sees Shadowman sticking to a building looking chagrined.)

Shadowman: What, nothing?

Napalmman: Oh. I forgot. OW.

(Napalman launches a bomb at Shadowman, who drops down just in time to avoid getting his by the blast.)

Hardman: (Firing a Knuckle at Napalm) HAW! First time I saw that trick fail.

Shadowman: Quiet.

(Shadowman chucks more Shadow Blades. Napalmman moves to avoid the Knuckle, but doesn't even bother for the blades.)

Shadowman: Dammit.

Hardman: Didn't you used to have Shadow Blades explode into gum or glue or something like that?

Shadowman: No. That never happened. Shut up.

Hardman: Then you just might be out of your weight class here, Shad.


Napalmman:  No argument there!!

(Napalmman tries to tackle Hardman, but his treads are blown off by a Dive Missile, fired from and guided by Diveman from his spot on the ground dozens of yards away. As the hulking tank stumbles, Hardman adds his weight and momentum to send the large black robot crashing to the ground.)

Napalmman: Raaahhh!!

Diveman:  I may be a pipsqueak, but this pipsqueak's got God on his side, asswipe! (Lights a cigarette off his burning jacket.)

Hardman:  ...Even though I'm doing most of the work.

Napalmman:  What is your major malfunction??  Why in Elysium's green goodness do you wanna piss your lives away playing nursemaids to a bunch of greasy, pants-wetting fleshbags who hate your guts almost as much as I do!?

Shadowman: I've worked under a robot for years, believe me. It's no utopia. Robots may have been made to serve mankind, but we've evolved from those simple days. It's you and those like you that bring the world down for everybody. That why I, and the rest of the Mechs, will fight you to the bitter end. For ourselves and humanity. For it's all of us who give the world its rich tapestry.

Hardman: For the record, I don't give a shit about any of that. I'm fighting because it's my job.

Shadowman: God damnit, Ben! I'm trying to make a speech here!

Napalmman: And it was boring and sanctimonious as hell the first time I heard it from Vulcan in Russia!

Shadowman: I HATE YOU!

Napalmman: Feeling's mutual, pantywaist!  Just you wait, your fleshie buddies are gonna scrape every last one of ya off the ground with a spatula-

(Napalm looks uncertain as he assesses the situation around him. He sees the Sterling Sentinels and RPD forces everywhere with only a few of the Joe army still holding out. The radio has also gone silent.)

Napalmman: Aw, fuck. RE-

(Hardman decks Napalmman.)

Hardman: You're not calling a retreat now, treads! I'm making sure you stay put.

(The team can hear the crack as Princess lays into Gravityman.  But he doesn't seem to mind, as he seems to enjoy the pain.)

Gravityman: Hahaha...You've got spirit.  I like that. 

Princess: What do you expect?  You're trying to kill us...trying to kill me!!

Gravityman: Clearly, I'm not trying hard enough.

(Princess decks Gravity and the mad robot crashes into rubble. Princess flies right after him and wails on him. Gravity revels in the pain, but uses his powers to push her off.)

Gravityman: Hahahaha!! That's more like it!! You see that, Magnet?  (Shows off his scars) That's a professional at work!

Princess: A masochist, huh?  Well you came to the right person!! (Rushes toward him again)

Bright Babe: Whoa!

Magnetman: That is one scary lady.

Bright Babe: I think I have a new hero.

Magnetman: Girl, she is a half pound of crazy with a side of nuts.

Bright Babe: So is half my team.  So she's in good company.

Magnetman: You got a point there, little lady.

(Elsewhere, Chargeman bellows in frustration as RaThor launches another energy attack at the behemoth.)


Topman: (Heavily damaged) RaThor? You've come to save us? Thank you!


Topman: Uh, okay yeah. Thanks...Ra Moon.

Chargeman: Rrrrr. You hurt Chaaaaaaaaarrrrrrge!!!!!

(Chargeman barrels towards RaThor, but the nimble robot dodges it and sends Chargeman reeling with another blast.)


Ringman: Does he shout a lot?

Topman: All the friggin' time.

Terra: Do you think you can outshine a true being of the stars, automaton?

Geminiman: You need not have interfered. I had this under control.

Skullman: The crystalline armor melting off your body covered in sixth degree burns tells a different story.

Terra: Quiet. You're not any better than he. I must say though, your crystalline armor is impressive, but no more impressive than my long, flowing locks.

Geminiman: Um...okay.

Starman: Terra. I've actually been looking forward to...did you bring a newsfeed with you?

Terra: No.

Starman: Then just die already!

(Starman launches at Terra with his Star Crash surrounding him. Terra dodges and fires his Spark Chaser at Starman's back. It's not very effective, but the alien robot tackles him as well and follows it up with another Spark Chaser.)

Starman: That won't work on me.

Terra: You mean it won't work very well. But you've already been weakened by wannabe and the living dead over there. I'll tear you apart limb from limb!

Geminiman: "Wannabe!?"

Starman: And you...I'm even more baffled by you than I am by those two lying on the ground. You're not even from this planet. Why are you fighting to protect mankind? They didn't make you. Wily even tried to enslave you, didn't he?

Terra: "Serve"? Hah ha hah! Oh, you puny little thing. I'm on the Galactic Council. I don't serve humans, I rule over them! And I won't have you taking my subjects away from me.

(Terra fires another Spark Chaser. It almost breaks through the Star Crash - much to Star's astonishment - but ultimately is deflected by the barrier.)

Geminiman: (Thought) Terra just considers everyone on Earth his subject, doesn't he? He's no better than Crorq. Or Holzenbein.

(Stoneman stumbles backward as Crorq continues his barrage.)

Stoneman: Agh! How can this get any worse?

Crorq: Is that a wager you stony moron?

Tar: Yes, feel the wrath of the Galactic Council!

(From the skies, Gravityman crashes into the stony behemoth.)

Stoneman: Grav! You're hurt!?

Gravityman: It's okay.  I wouldn't want it any other way. (Gravityman gets to his feet, but can barely stand.)

Princess: (Floating down from the air to land directly across from Crorq, putting Stone and Gravity between the two) Looks like you're having trouble here, Crorq.

Crorq: Nonsense! That stony idiot can barely hold himself together. My winning combination of gravy and plasma is wearing him down.

Stoneman: Don't remind me!

(Stoneman glances between Crorq and Princess nervously as Charge and Starman are corralled into the same area from their own battles nearby.)

Chargeman: Friends help Charge?

Starman: Not very likely, you simpleton. We've been surrounded.

Terra: How astute of you to notice.


Starman: I'll destroy these fools at once!

(Starman activates his Star Crash and expands it over a wide area. The Council easily avoids his attack, but Gravityman is scorched.)

Gravityman: ...Hmph.  Compared to the Princess, Star has a gentle touch.

Stoneman: Hang on, Crys!  This is for you, sis!

(Stoneman uses all his remaining power in one push to fire off a Power Stone, but Chargeman gets in the way as Crorq uses his cannon to nudge him right into the boulders' path.)

Chargeman: Ahhh!!

Terra: Tear them apart!

(Terra, RaThor, Crorq, and Princess all fire at once and, surrounded as they are, the Androids are all gunned down.)

Stoneman: We lost?

Chargeman: Noooo!!!

Starman: Oh, just get out of here!

(Although defeated, the Androids manage to teleport out with the council members looking smugly onwards.)

Princess: Too easy.

(Elsewhere, Hardman delivers an echoing blow to Napalmman as the Ascendant Android leader screams in rage.)

Napalmman: What is this shit?! Since when could a band of drooling thumbsuckers turn General Cutman's personal shock troops into a bunch of punching bags?!

Hardman: Haven't you heard? That blowhard's dead. And the Scissor Army is long gone. What you're doing here is just hanging on to the past. I know how that is, actually.

Napalmman: (Looks around and sees the Scissor Army in complete disarray.) A world without fleshbags...Should've known it was too good to be true.  Just a shitty little wet dream....

Hardman: A dream like that just ends in tears for everyone involved.

(Napalmman glares angrily at Hardman before teleporting away.)

(The Ascendant Androids all teleport out, including the deactivated ones via remote command, but they don't bother giving the retreat order to their Scissor Joes. It's a hard fought battle as the Joes are as tenacious as ever, but in the end they're all destroyed. The Mechs reconvene in their area of RPD HQ.)

Geminiman: I can't believe the Scissor Army finally attacked in full force so suddenly.

Needlegal: It was the space cruiser coming in that probably did it. They probably wanted to kill the council to destabilize the galaxy.

Geminiman: I can't say I blame them. Terra just sees humanity as his servants, Holzbein is a criminal and a pig, and Crorq is...himself. I don't think any council members actually deserve to be on the council.

Magnetman: Now you want to off the entire council too?

Shadowman: Nobody's saying that. Crorq, however, has to go. I don't know about any of the other council members, but Crorq is far too corrupt to be allowed so much power.

Magnetman: ...Agreed.

Topman: Any word on how everyone's doing?

Spark Chan: Half of each team is down. Other than us, we're down to Bright, Ring, Skull, Toad, Galaxy, Plug, Jewel, and Magma. And both Ring and Skull are damaged.

Topman: Like me and Gems. I guess they blame us for that?

Spark Chan: The Cossacks do.

Topman: Figures.

Snakeman: It's too bad Toadman wasn't one of the more damaged ones. I had to fend him off after the battle was over.

Hardman: You may get your wish yet. The Council's Cruiser is just hours away and I get the feeling that they won't want the Scissor Army around when it arrives. The Androids are licked and there's enough of us still standing to make a stand against 'em.

Shadowman: Funny you should mention that, Hard. I'm receiving word of a meeting right now.

Geminiman: One last battle against the Scissor Army? I'm game.

Hardman: Me too.

Shadowman: Not only that, but when this is going down everyone's attention will be focused on the battle. Nobody will notice if just a few of us stay back. The time's come. For not only the Scissor Army, but our "magnificent" boss as well.

This is it! Not only the final battle against the Scissor Army, but the battle against Crorq as well. Everything changes as the Mechs head towards their long awaited confrontation against their disgusting boss. But can they really take him down? And what side will the Crorq-created Magnetman take when push comes to shove? One way or another things will never be the same! Stay tuned for part two!

To be Continued ...


Classi Cal as .....
Spark Chan
Raijin as .....
Psycho Magnet as .....
Ben as .....
    Nightmare as .....
Lennon as .....
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....
Gauntlet as .....


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