Series 9 Issue #36 - Kingdom Hearts 2 - 1 + (.5 + .15) Second Story: Mary Sue


The Wily Underground is in crisis! Their access to Monsteropolis' power grid has been cut off and now all the electricity wielding robots must do their part and chip in to help store power for the greater good. So why is Sparkman palling around with Sora, Donald, and Goofy attacking Robot Police Headquarters!? That's a good question and maybe we'll find a better answer than "Sparkman's being a dick" in part two of our story.

(The Mechs charge ahead in time to see Donald, Goofy, and Sparkman fight off RPD officers.)

Police bot: Stop in the name of the law!

Police bot: Or don't.

SWAT bot: Come on. Just try resisting. Heh heh heh.

Sparkman: Glad to!

(The group starts fighting the cops.)

Sora: That energy oozing off of them. It's the Darkness!

Donald: *Quacks incomprehensibly*

Geminiman: So, not doing this stealthily.

Goofy: Gorsh, we don't really *do* stealth. We just sort of jump in with our hearts blazing!

Sora: Right!

Geminiman: So, the Hardman way.

Topman: You mean the dumb way!

Geminiman: Rude!

Topman: Hey, the truth hurts! Uh ... you're not gonna tell him I said that are you?

Magmaman: Heh. You guys have some nerve showing up here like this. I hope you can take the heat!

(Magma shoots fireballs at the group, but they're easily blocked by Donald Duck.)

Donald: *Quacks incomprehensibly*

Sparkman: Uh ... I'm not sure this was a great idea.

Topman: You think!?

Sora: If only I had the Keyblade.

Topman: It's almost as if charging in head first was a bad idea!

Geminiman: Relax, guys, I called in backup.

Topman: Great. The other Mechs will never let us hear the end of this.

Geminiman: No. I didn't call the rest of the team.

Topman: Then ... the Wily Return Force?

Geminiman: Not them either. Just wait for it.

(Geminiman is decked by a SWAT bot.)

Sparkman: I hope we don't have to wait too long!

Magmaman: HAH hahhahhhahaahahhaahahahahahahahaahahahahaahahahah!

(Magmaman goes nuts shooting off fireballs everywhere.)

Magmaman: Burrrrrn, baby, BURN!!!!

Donald: *Quacks incomprehensibly*

Goofy: Gorsh, maybe Topguy's right and charging in headfirst wasn't such a good idea this time.

Sora: No. We'll win. We just have to have heart and believe in our friends!

Sparkman: Uhhhh...

Sora: Our best friends who would sacrifice their lives - and even their hearts for each other! Because friendship is our power! And that power is stronger than that of a thousand .... uh ....

Sparkman: His name is Magmaman.

Sora: A thousand Magmamans!

Goofy: I wonder if that's true.

Donald: It isn't!

Magmaman: I'll show you what I think of your crummy friendship!

(Magmaman shoots fire at the Disney heroes and hits Donald right in the tail feathers.)

Donald: *Quacks incomprehensibly*

Magmaman: HAW!

(Magmaman is then hit with ice cold water.)

Magmaman: HEY!

PETA person: How DARE you hurt an animal!

PETA person: We're People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals! And we saw you try to fry that poor defenseless duck!

Geminiman: THANK YOU! I knew I wasn't the only one to notice he's a duck. Heh. I knew it.

Magmaman: You people are trespassing on RPD property! DISPERSE or I'll -

PETA person: FOR OUR ANIMAL BROTHERS!

(The PETA people mob RPD headquarters.)

Sora: Wow. These people sure are showing a lot of .... uh ... heart?

(The PETA people scream as they mob the building.)

Sparkman: Good thinking, Gems!

Sora: Yeah! Lets find the guys in charge - and help them see the light! Let's go, everyone!

Goofy: We're right behind ya, Sora!

(The groups runs through RPD HQ flanked by mobs of PETA members as they protect Donald and Goofy from arrest.)

Sora: Say ... what's that noise coming from behind us?

Sparkman: (Probably the PETA members being assaulted by the cops.) Probably nothing, let's focus on the Heartless!

Sora: Right.

Donald: You said this was gonna be tough, but nobody's really here.

Sparkman: Yeah, what gives?

(Elsewhere....)

Tornadoman: Arrest them! For the justice Monsteropolis deserves!

Shadowman: Crap!

(Shadowman and Needlegal desperately dodge as tornadoes lift cars off the ground and right into their path.)

Galaxyman: There's no escaping a black hole! Especially right in front of you! BOOYAKASHAAAAA!!!

Needlegal: Double crap!

(Needlegal suddenly veers to the right as a Black Hole Bombs appears in front of her right alongside Galaxyman!)

Elecman: You thought you could steal from pops! I'd never help you now! You're thieves! THIIIIIIIIIIIEVES!

(Elecman fires Thunder Beams at the pair as they continue to dodge all attacks furiously!)

Fireman: You know what we do to leaves at the Lights'? We buuuuuuurn them!

Gutsman: When Roll isn't around anyway.

(The ninja robot dodges as Fireman fires off a volley of flaming fireballs.)

Needlegal: You didn't tell me you stole those upgrades from Doctor Light!

Shadowman: It might have slipped my mind!

Needlegal: Your memory sucks! They'll never help us after that!

Bombman: Not ter mention killing that twerp Megaman! Didja forget ya offed that spud!?

Gutsman; They offed a spud too!? They try to kill Crorq, they outright kill Mega, they kidnap Mega Mini and break into Light's lab and now they kill a spud on top of all that!?

Shadowman: "Killing Megaman" was blown WAY out of proportion!

Bombman: The telly says ya did and the telly don't lie, buster!

Needlegal: And you're really mad we got rid of the Mega Minis for you? You should be thanking us!

Cutsman: We liked Mega Mini! And you took those little guys away! Now you'll face Kung Fu Cutsman!

Shadowman: Don't insult me, Clipper Head!

(Shadowman steps right on Cuts' face as he dodges boulders tossed by Gutsman!)

Cutsman: GYAKKK!

Gutsman: Sorry, Cuts.

Cutsman: .... ow.

Iceman: They're getting away! They're getting away! Oh noes!

Hornetman: I'll avenge my brotherzzzzzz!

Plugman: And Rush too!

Needlegal: Like anyone gives a crap about the dog!

(And elsewhere still....)

Yamatoman: Stand still, ignoble cur!

Snakeman: For real! We didn't kill Megaman! Everyone just assumed we did!

Knightman: Tell it to the courts, knave!

(Hardman swats the Knight Crusher away.)

Hardman: Damn it! Did you really have to get the cops involved in all this!?

Kung-fu bot: Absolutely! Honor demands you pay for your crimes!

Hardman: (Of all the times that square had to be at Torchman's dojo...)

Magnetman: And I don't suppose you lot would lend your support!?

Fuseman: Even if we aren't against you, we aren't necessarily for you either. Let the strength of your resolve prove whether you are worthy of our aid.

Torchman: Well said, Fuseman!

Magnetman: That's a mighty fine way of ducking out of any responsibility.

(Back at RPD HQ.)

Geminiman: I can only imagine Crorq had them running around on some nonsensical task while we were busy getting here.

Topman: Yeah, I do not miss being that guy's errand boy.

Magmaman: Feel the heat!

Geminiman: I've had just about enough out of you!

(Using concentrated energy from his Gemini Laser, Geminiman powers up his fist and delivers a critical blow - or he would have if Donald didn't knock Magmaman out with a Blizzaga first!)

Magmaman: GYAHHH!!!!

Sora: Good job!

Geminiman: Hey! I had that. Aw, and I never get to use my Shooting Star attack.

Donald: Oh, brother.

Goofy: Gorsh, does it matter who beat the bad guy? I say as long as he's beat then that's all that matters!

Sora: Right! Now, come on! The bad guys are just ahead - I can sense it.

Donald: Lead the way, Sora!

Topman: Is he really the one to lead the way when we were the ones working here for what seems like forever?

Sparkman: Better not ask questions since he's already way ahead.

Topman: Damn it! For a crazy kid with no weapon the guy sure is pushy.

Sora: This is it, you guys. It's time to get my Keyblade back.

(Sora hesitates before opening the doors to where he believes the Keyblade is being kept.)

Goofy: What's the matter, Sora?

Sora: What if ... what if I'm no longer worthy to wield the Keyblade? What if I Can't Find My Keys, Man really is the better choice to wield the Keyblade!

(As Sora is having an existential crisis with Donald and Goofy, the Mechanical Maniacs wait impatiently.)

Topman: Okay, it's really lucky the RPD is understaffed right now, but is this kid going to move or what? I don't wanna stick around here for longer than need be.

Sparkman: I know, but if he can get me back home ...

Geminiman: You mean the kid who pals around with Goofy Goof, right? That's the guy you think will get you back home?

Sparkman: ... Crazier things have happened!

Geminiman: Crazier than a kid who pals around with cartoon animals traveling across the multiverse fighting shadow creatures!?

Sparkman: Well...

Topman: Hey, I think they went inside without us.

...

Topman: RUDE!

Here we are, on another strange world. By now I had gotten used to it. We didn't even change forms! But I wasn't used to one thing ...

Sora: GIVE ME BACK MY KEYBLADE!

Maleficent: Such insolence, thinking the likes of you could command the likes of Maleficent! When I can command the Darkness itself.

(Green flames erupt around the evil fae as Heartless rise up around Sora and his friends. The trio readies themselves as the ant-like creatures approach.)

Goofy: Gorsh!

Donald: Don't be afraid, Goofy! We have help!

(The Mechs burst through the door.)

Sparkman: I can't believe you guys went ahead without us!

Goofy: Gorsh, you guys were so wrapped up in your conversation that you just sort of fell behind.

Donald: Try to keep up!

Maleficent: HAH! As if their paltry help can aid you against my power!

Topman: How do we let ourselves get talked into these things?

Princess: Because you're gullible little shits, that's how.

Sparkman: Princess!

Princess: That's me!

Goofy: Who?

Donald: Must be the local riff raff.

Geminiman: If you're involved then the rest of the Council...

Maleficent: Is of no consequence at the moment!

Geminiman: No consequence!?

Maleficent: Those fools do not see the grandeur of my plan and so they are no longer welcome in my presence!

Donald: Sounds like they have more smarts than you do.

Maleficent: SILENCE!

Topman: (whispering) In other words they just took off? That doesn't sound like them.

Geminiman: (whispering) No kidding.

Sora: Where's our friend!? I - uh ...

Sparkman: (whispering) I Can't Find My Keys, Man.

Sora: I Can't Find My Keys, Man!

Maleficent: How presumptuous of you to make demands. But he's right here.

(Shadows swirl behind Maleficent and Keys appears in glowing purple chains, floating above the ground.)

I Can't Find My Keys, Man: HEEEEEEEEEELLLLP! HEEEEEEE -

(A gag is slapped right on Key's mouth.)

Maleficent: Silence, fool!

Princess: Face it, bitches, with me as her very own Princess of Heart, Maleficent can't lose! We'll rule the universe with an iron fist!

Donald: What did she call us?

Goofy: But ... I'm a boy!

Sora: You don't have what it takes to be a Princess of Heart. They have to be pure light!

Princess: I'm pure! I'm as pure as the pissed-on snow!

Sora: Pure as the ... what?

Donald: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth!?

Princess: Fuck you, cocksucker!

Sora: Huh? What does ... ?

(Sora looks lost and Goofy scratches his head.)

Donald: I'm a duck, not a rooster.

(Sparkman stifles a laugh.)

Princess: Holy shit. You're a buncha retards.

Sora: Use words that make sense!

Princess: I hope someone broke you in already, pretty boy, because that ass of yours is getting destroyed!

(Sora is overcome with confusion.)

Sora: Goofy's a dog, not a donkey! And you're not destroying anymore.

Goofy: Right!

Topman: (They aren't serious, are they?)

Princess: Dipshit!

(With that, Princess leaps into the attack, getting ready to crush the bewildered Sora, but she's blocked by Goofy's shield.)

Geminiman: That was cute and all, but I hope you don't think we're going to sit this one out!

(Geminiman and a clone leaps forward and then crash into a translucent hexagonal wall.)

Maleficent: I'll brook no interference from you.

Sparkman: So ... what? We're spectators!?

Donald: You can leave this to us.

Sora: It's okay. I can handle this. Because I have my friends right here beside me!

Princess: How touching. But not as touching as this'll be!

(Princess throws a punch at Sora, but is immediately blocked when Sora's Keyblade appears in his hand to stop what would have been a lethal blow.)

Goofy: The Keyblade!?

Maleficent: Bah! The Keyblade returned!?

Sora: YEAH!

Princess: Who cares!? I'll just take that and ram it right up your - AGHHH!!!

(Princess' back arches in pain as Maleficent strikes her with a magical blow.)

Princess: Wh-what ... ? But you said I was a ... Princess of Heart and that you ...

Maleficent: Foolish child. As if the likes of you could ever be a Princess of Heart.

Princess: B-bitch. I'll ... kuh ... kill .... youuuuuuuuu -

Maleficent: I think not! Let the power of Darkness consume you!

(Princess is swallowed up in a dark cloud which grows larger and larger.)

Sora: Get ready!

(The Mechs impatiently watch from the sidelines as Sora, Donald, and Goofy all fight the Heartless that emerges from the cloud.)

Geminiman: So ... are we really going to just stand here and watch the fight.

Sparkman: I mean ... I guess so. The barrier is blocking us from getting to Keys.

(At that moment Quint dashes into the room.)

Quint: Mechanical Maniacs are you here!? You are here! Brilliant! My readings are through the roof! There are vast temporal anomalies which ...

(Just then Quint notices Sora fighting the giant Heartless within the force field alongside Donald and Goofy.)

Topman: Oh, hi, Quint. I .... guess this is a good time? We're almost done here if you'd like to wait with us.

Quint: I'm sorry, but is ... that a Keyblade? And the Heartless?

Sparkman: You know about Keyblades? I honestly thought that Sora kid was a nut case, but it looks like he was on the level.

Quint: Oh. Well ... it's a whole other level alright.

Sparkman: He says he can get me back to the old reality General Cutman was from.

Quint: Well ... he might. I mean. There's always the possibility that he could, I suppose. That mouse has his hands in a lot of pockets these days. Look, everything involving the Keyblade is a complicated mess so I think I'll just duck out right now.

Topman: You're calling something a 'complicated mess'? You!?

Quint: Oi!

Geminiman: Top's got a point. I mean, where are you from our perspective?

Quint: Well ...

Geminiman: And don't think we've forgotten that you never cleared up that 'we killed Megaman' mess! You just disappeared and left us to take the rap!

Quint: Oh, right! Never did, did I? Best get on that, then! I'll leave the Keyblade and Heartless to you lot.

(Quint dashes off to the Mech's disgust.)

Geminiman: HEY!

Topman: Oh just let him go. I doubt there's anything he could do to help clear our names anyway.

Sparkman: I didn't like the sound of doubt he had about getting me back home.

Topman: We have no time to worry about that. It looks like the battle's over and Sora just whipped.

(Sora falls to the ground as the giant Heartless laughs sat his defeat.)

Donald: Sooooooraaaaa!

Goofy: Oh no!

Sora: Uff .... huff .... I ... won't .... give in!

Maleficent: You've lost, boy!

Sora: Not yet.

Maleficent: Fool! You're battered and broken ... what more do you have!?

Sora: I have .... my friends!

Maleficent: BAH!

Sora: You scoff because you don't have any friends.

Maleficent: I don't need friends ... I have my power!

Sora: My friends are my power!

Maleficent: Your friends are as battered and broken as you.

Sparkman: That's our -

???: (From outside the room, just loud enough to hear) On your left.

Sparkman: What?

(The doors to the meeting room burst open again as the shield surrounding the battle conveniently breaks apart.)

???: Avengers ASSEMBLE!

Sora: Meriken Man!

Sparkman: "Meriken Man?"

(Topman is sent spinning as Spider Man rushes past him, leaps on a wall and wraps the Heartless in his webbing.)

Spider Man: Hey, is that shadow-thing from that old old movie everyone loves? Whatchamacllit - Aliens, right?

Geminiman: "Old movie!?"

Geminiman: Well, you have to admit it's old. We're old now.

The Heartless: GWWWAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!!!

Geminiman: It does kinda look like a Xenomorph, doesn't it?

Mr. Monami: Pick a card, Mon Cherie. Any Card!

(Mr. Monami throws exploding playing cards at the Heartless.)

Sparkman: Alright, it's a party and now -

(Sparkman is flattened by Clawman's timely arrival as the diminutive robot runs Sparkman down to make his own entrance.)

Clawman: Take this, Sleazoids!! GWWWWWAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Clawman hacks and slashes at the Heartless as it struggles to break itself free.)

Meriken Man: We're here for you Sora. And you too, I Can't Find My Keys, Man. Your friends are worried about you.

I Can't Find My Keys, Man: (with tears in his eyes) You came!

Clawman: Of course we did, bub.

Sparkman: I'm gonna let it pass that you ran me over (for now). Where's Voltman?

Meriken Man: He and his pals are keeping the bad guys busy outside.

Mr. Monami: Stay out of this, it isn't your fight.

Sparkman: Hey -

Sora: You see, Maleficent? My friends are here beside me. And with them at my side there's nothing I can't do!

Maleficent: FOOLS! LET DARKNESS CONSUME YOU!

(Emerald flames leap around Maleficent as Sora and co. attack the rising Heartless.)

(The Mechs stay back and watch the battle unfold.)

Geminiman: Alright, I think we're done here. This has nothing to do with us and is just one big mess.

(Princess groggily gets to her feet.)

Princess: What the fuck was that ... ?

(Princess takes a look at the battle raging behind her.)

Princess: Fuck this.

(Princess purposefully shoulders Geminiman as she staggers out of the room.)

Sparkman: Wait, didn't she turn into the Heartless? Isn't that how they work? I'm so confused.

Topman: I dunno, but I think Quint was right. We better get while the getting's good.

Maleficent: ALL CONSUMING DARKNESS!

Sora: HYYYYAAAHHHH!!!!!

Geminiman: Yes, forget Voltman. Maybe we can track down Sheep Babe. I don't think she's the type to hold a grudge.

Topman: You coming, Spark?

Sparkman: ... No. No, I think I'll stay here and see if Sora can get me home. I mean, it's been a blast - it really has. I'll never forget you all. But the Wily Underground ain't home. Britt and the rest probably think I'm dead. If there's a way for me to get back, I have to try.

Geminiman: I .... understand.

Geminiman: We'll miss you, man. We really will.

Topman: Now, about that armor -

(Geminiman pulls Topman away.)

Geminiman: Don't worry about it. We'll just have Doc Robot make a knockoff. Come on, Top.

Topman: A knockoff!? Are you kidding!?

Geminiman: (Behave yourself, Topman), Fare thee well, Leon!

Topman: (Maybe we can get a PR guy as his replacement: that'd be useful about now.)

(Later, at the Mechs' apartment in the Wily Underground...)

Needlegal: Yeah, the Light household hates us for some reason.

Shadowman: I didn't think the new versions of Elecman and company were all that close with them, alright!

Needlegal: Well they were! We were nearly arrested.

Hardman: Same here. Fuseman is an asshole!

Snakeman: I guess we're lucky that Torchman's group had been cordial with us this whole time. And unlucky that Kung Fu bot just happened to be there to rat us out to the cops.

Magnetman: Running away like a pack of turkeys. Sad to say I'm getting used to it.

Hardman: And now Leon's gone. Maybe we can catch up to him.

Magnetman: What!? That's just more running away!

Hardman: Come on, Mags. It's setting up in greener pastures. Maybe we could be actual heroes there again instead of petty criminals.

Shadowman: PETTY!? Maybe you're petty, but I've robbed Doctor - freakin' - Light! That's not like lifting candy bars!

Hardman: Which you've also done.

Shadowman: Not in years! It's called versatility. My ability to steal things great and small is an asset.

Topman: Quint didn't think getting mixed up with Sora was worth it.

Needlegal: Quint ain't living like a rat. Just sayin'.

Geminiman: Uh, guys? There's a horde of Multimen outside the building.

(The Mechs all crowd around the window.)

Magnetman: Aw, they're gonna wreck the place lookin' for Spark. Dang it, I just started to like this joint.

Sparkman: Yeah me too. It's not Sinister Six mansion, but it has its charms.

Hardman: Yeah, I guess it grows like mold - holy shit, Sparkman!?

Sparkman: Yeah, hey guys!

Needlegal: How'd you get past the hordes of Multimen!?

Sparkman: Aw, come on. It's Multiman we're talking about here, not Searchman. Sneaking past Multiman, even thirty of them, ain't that hard.

Topman: I'm glad you're back, Spark. I don't think Doc Robot likes us enough to make a replacement armor for your spot.

Sparkman: Geez, thanks, Top.

Geminiman: We're all glad you're back, but what happened to palling around with Sora?

Sparkman: It was full of crap! Apparently the multiverse consists of Alice in Wonderland world, Nightmare Before Christmas world, Aladdin world, some pirate ship, a small town, and a whale and we just went around beating up Heartless and unlocking "trinity marks." Bullshit! I don't even know how he found this place - I'm lucky to have made it back here at all!

Shadowman: Dude, you've only been gone a few hours.

Sparkman: Yeah, well, it felt like months. I guess that's a quirk of his freakin' useless space ship - spending months doing pointless garbage, but winding up right where you left off when you re-enter a world. After his 20th time challenging Sephiroth in Hercules world I had enough and called it quits.

Geminiman: You've met Sephiroth!?

Sparkman: Well, I saw him.

Geminiman: Did he ... did he mention me?

Sparkman: No?

Geminiman: Oh. Well, I mean why would he? It doesn't bother me. No, not at all.

Needlegal: I'm glad you came back, Spark.

Sparkman: Thanks!

(Needlegal hits Sparkman in the shoulder. Hard.)

Needlegal: That's for leaving without saying goodbye!

Sparkman: OW! Sorry. That Sora kid has ADD or something, he doesn't really like to wait long.

Magnetman: Kids these days.

Snakeman: So. About the whole "power" situation we have here.

Sparkman: "Power situation?"

Snakeman: You know, how the Underground was cut off from the power grid? The whole reason you went to find Voltman in the first place?

Sparkman: Oh yeah. Heh, it's been so long, relatively speaking, that I kinda forgot about that. So what's the plan, Snake?

(Soon after, Snakeman tosses a tied-up Sparkman to the mob of Multimen.)

Sparkman: SCREW YOU PEOPLE!

Multiman: Take it like a man!

Sparkman: Screw you, Multi!

Multiman: Yeah, yeah.

Sparkman: You know what I'm gonna do? I'll change my voltage a bit and give you all indigestion! I mean it! I will! And I swear if you place me next to Bitman again I am going to scream! And another thing - !

(The Multimen all take Sparkman away.)

Snakeman: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

Geminiman: Things didn't turn out worse than they started, at least.

Needlegal: And we learned something too....

Topman: How to stop worrying and love the Keyblade?

Geminiman: That Sparkman is a big crybaby?

Needlegal: We learned that THE WILY UNDERGROUND SUUUUUUUUUUCKS!

Magnetman: Really? That's what we've learned?

Needlegal: I'm with Sparkman on this! We're living in fucking squalor after saving the world! The freaking timeline! TWICE! And now one of our guys is a freaking battery so people who've tried to kill us can power up!?

Shadowman: You know, they're our neighbors now. If they hadn't let us in -

Needlegal: Yeah, I'm an ingrate. Whatever! Living like this might be alright for the Sinister Six, but I'm so done with being understanding and patient with this garbage! We saved the damned world! We've traveled to another dimension and saved that world! We stopped Unicron from eating the planet more than once, stopped Decepticons from running rampant, helped stop Iceman Red's Army of Darkness, stopped the Sinister Six from using the Technodrome to flatten the city, thwarted secret government cabals and now we're on the lowest level of this ridiculous city! For what? Daring to stand up to our fucking galactic overlords!? Screw this city! I'm going to Walkman's - I need a drink.

(Needlegal storms off.)

...

Hardman: Wow. Not that she's wrong, but ...

Geminiman: Yeah, can't say she's wrong.

Magnetman: "Decepticons" and "Unicron?"

Shadowman: It was a different time.

Magnetman: I fancy it was.

Topman: Well, until friendship can power the Wily Underground, we are ... The Mechanical Maniacs!

The End

Cast:

Leon as .....
Sparkman
Raijin as .....
Snakeman
Psycho Magnet as .....
Needlegal
Ben as .....
Hardman
    Nightmare as .....
Topman
Lennon as .....
Geminiman
Sheriff (Kassidy) Mags as .....
Magnetman
Gauntlet as .....
Shadowman

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