Series 5 Issue #7 - Gauntlet VS Piracy!

It's a fine day. The sun is shining, the grass is green. Wily is in jail, Bizarro is behind a dumpster. All seems well, except....

Snakeman: It seems we need money to survive.

The 'Maniacs: Hh.

Snakeman: Aren't you guys ..... sorta famous?

Hardman: Ah ...... nah, man. We learned that the hard way. *

(*see Series 4 #13)

Snakeman: Well, okay. Okay. But ...... how did you guys survive before? I mean ...... you really had to have paid money at SOME point!

Needlegal: Actually, that makes for an interesting story!

Geminiman: The old Warehouse was abandoned and we (or rather "they" since I wasn't here then) squatted. And then Hardman got a big cash reward from the Mayor.*

(*Series 1 Solo 2)

Snakeman: Yes, I know that already.

Geminiman: Well, in addition that all that, Jacob* was not only a great wrestler, but an excellent financial strategist!

(* Jacob was the 'Maniac's first Snakeman)

Snakeman: Jacob? Really?

Geminiman: Yes.

Snakeman: I woulda never figured.

Geminiman: Well he was. And, by moving our old base the Technodrome all the time (it has huge tank treads you know) we were able to avoid our taxes.

Shadowman: Plus we paid in counterfeit money allot too. Don't forget that.

Geminiman: Yes.

Snakeman: But ........ if that's the case, how'd you lose it all!?


Needlegal: Reckless and frivolous spending.

Shadowman: Gambling debts and tax evasion fees.

Geminiman: Bail money.

Topman: Power usage. Reprogramming Gamma. Avoiding THE MAN!!!!


Snakeman: *sigh* So how are we supposed to live without money?

Magnetman: We live BANDIT STYLE! No rules to hold us down! Living as we please! Taking what we want and -

Sparkman: Oh no! That's IMMORAL! I won't do it!

Magnetman: Aw, Hell! Then what do YOU wanna do?

Sparkman: Wait.

Magnetman: Wait?

Sparkman: Yes! If we wait surely the money will come to US!

Snakeman: That's not -

Shadowman: That's a GREAT PLAN! I'm all for it!

Snakeman: But ..... the bills will not pay themselves!

Shadowman: Oh, tut tut. Never you mind about those pesky bills. I will handle that!

*Gauntlet disappears!*

Snakeman: ........ Somehow I don't think he will.

(And so, we go to Shadowman leaping from corporate rooftop to corporate rooftop!)

Shadowman: (thought) Like Robin Hood, I will take from the rich and give to the poor! Of course since I am the poor there will be no middleman.

(Shadowman then, stealthily, enters a bank. Immediately everyone stares in his direction.)

Shadowman: Uh. Hh. Hello.

People: AAAAHHHHH!!!! A Wily robot!

Bank Manager: H-h-h-h-h-h-ere! Take the money! Just go away!

Shadowman: oh. Um ...... thanks. (easier than I thought!)

Shadowman: Take care!

(Shadowman exits and begins to once again jump rooftops.)

Shadowman: (thought) It appears my dashing good looks, confidence, and charm has done my work for me. Already people are just handing me money!

Xelloss: My, that was pretty easy wasn't it?

Shadowman: GWAAH!!

(Shadowman falls off the roof and lands with a crash!)

Xelloss: Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

Shadowman: I'm okay. I'm okay.


Shadowman: Exactly what are you doing here?

Xelloss: ....... heh heh heh ......

Shadowman: Don't you have some sort of ..... "plot" or something evil you need to work on somewhere else? I mean you're important where you come from.

Xelloss: Actually, I have some free time coming and I thought it would be nice to spend some time with some of my favorite people in the world!

Shadowman: .......... Right. Say, would you like something to eat?

Xelloss: Very funny.

Shadowman: Drink? Something to go into yer stomach?

Xelloss: Heh heh heh ..... no.

Shadowman: What? Afraid I'll put microbots in the food and give you another seizure?


Xelloss: The thought had crossed my mind, yes.

Shadowman: Well, buzz off. I'm trying to get rich quick.

Xelloss: Grrrrrr.....

(Xelloss disappears)

Shadowman: You know though ........ robbing banks is kinda slow. And of course there's the pesky police that'll be after me. But .......... what sort of good or service do I have to sell? I mean it's kinda annoying when those old copycats of mine show up and I'm completely ....... waitaminute.....

(A few moments later....... at Sinister Six HQ.........)

Bombman: What's on TV?

Gutsman: I dunno. I'm just glad we get to watch what we wanna without Gauntlet hogging the remote.

Elecman: You should get all that hostility out of your system, Tim my man. Although it was a little annoying.

Fireman: Let's just watch TV in peace.

(The six turn on the TV to watch Tiny Toons when suddenly, their TV enjoyment is cut off as a signal bursts through their program!)

Gutsman: What in tarnation?

Shadowman: Greetings!

(Gutsman changes channels quickly, but to no avail! Shadowman has overridden all signals!)

Shadowman: Have trouble? Law on yer back? Do you need protection or are in the protection racket? Well, do I have the product for you!

(Shadowman throws back a sheet of canvas covering six figures...)

Shadowman: Well, now you can have that dream assistant you've always wanted! Now you can own your very own Mechanical Maniac!

The Six (minus Ice who is not present): WHAT!?

Shadowman: That's right, friends! With just one easy installment of &27000.99 you can own one of us for your very own! We have everyone's favorites! Magnetman! Geminiman! Hardman! Snakeman! And of course, you're truly ...... Shadowman!

Shadowman: They slice, they dice, they julian fries! Each comes with a basic AI program pack is is programmed with several useful personality traits such as:

Mixing drinks!
A home alarm system!
Professional thief!
Hired Gun!
Home day care professional
and many more ......

Shadowman: So why not make the right move? Order it today by calling (565)-555-8855! There are no hidden charges and the call is included in the price of the robot! Call today!

Shadowman: International buyers will have to pay an additional $1,000 teleporting fee. Neither I nor the Mechanical Maniacs are responsible for any injury in your use of the product or anything the product does to you. By purchasing our robots you wave all rights to legal action and understand that there are limited warrantees. Products may appear slightly differently than seen on television. Offer expires while you wait! Operators are standing by........

Bombman: Hey ........ Our own Mechanical Maniacs! We could use that!

(And so, Shadowman returns tot he base...)

Geminiman: Well, the lemonade plan worked out well I think.

Needlegal: You should all feel ashamed of yourselves.

Snakeman: And where have you been all day?

Shadowman: I have a plan to make more money.

Sparkman: Is it true you were mean to poor Xelloss?

Xelloss: He was very mean.

Shadowman: You'll live.

Snakeman: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

Magnetman: I guess...

(Shadowman leaves.)

(The following day Shadowman is seen counting stacks of money while the rest of the team is away.)

Shadowman: One one thousand ........ two one thousand ........ three one thousand ...... Oh, this is the best plan ever!

(As if on cue, the phone starts ringing.)

Shadowman: (While answering the phone.) NO REFUNDS!

Gutsman: Uh, Gaunt ....... it's me.

Shadowman: Oh, hey there, Guts.

Gutsman: ....... Y'know there's a little problem with the -

Shadowman: NO REFUNDS!

(Shadowman hangs up the phone with violence.)

Xelloss: Things not going so well, Gaunt?

Shadowman: Things are going fine, Xelloss.

(The phone rings.)

Shadowman: (While answering the phone.) NO REFUNDS!

(Shadowman hangs up the phone violently.)

Xelloss: That's not what the quality control people say, Mr. Gauntlet.

Shadowman: Oh, those people don't really exist. They're like the boogymen for big businesses.

Xelloss: Uh ....... I've actually been experiencing some problems of -

Shadowman: NO REFUNDS!

Xelloss: Surely you could repair -


Xelloss: But, surely for the extravagant price -

Shadowman: EXTRA!

Xelloss: (eyes glow red and voice becomes deep and booming) You dare toy with Xelloss of the monster race!? I will see you in Hell! I will tear your soul asunder and feed it to lesser monsters! I will drive your mind insane before I see you die!

Shadowman: ....... Are you done?

Xelloss: Uh, I guess.

Shadowman: Good because you're still not getting a refund.

Xelloss: *humph* (disappears!)

(Shadowman tried to count his money anew, but just then there is a knock on the door.)

Shadowman: Hm. What now?

(Shadowman goes to the door and just as he opens it three of his cheap copies run into the room!)

Shadow-copy: We sent here in order to kill you!

Snake-copy: You do not possess the desired namely originator! Prepare because of the Oblivion!

Shadowman: Uh-oh.

(Shadow-copy, Snake-copy, and another Shadow-copy begin their attack by shooting plasma bullets at Gauntlet!)

Shadowman: Geez, guys! Have you forgotten the first rule of robotics!? "Never harm Shadowman"!

Shadow-copy: Eh We can ignore the rule.

Shadowman: YOU CAN NOT!

Snake-copy: There is no escaping from kicking the snake where I rage! I am regrettable, but I must take in order to lower!

Shadowman: What the Hell is THAT supposed to mean!?

(Shadowman is hit in the gut and falls back, but Snakeman's leg is broken clean off his body by the impact.)

Snake-copy: AAHHHHH!! My foot broke into that so cheaply with influence, you could do! The imitation of Shadowman!

Shadow-copy: Snake man...... we take revenge the sibling!

Shadow-copy: To be cheap we who are the Taiwan pirate do not fail!

Shadowman: Man, I really ought to have taken more time in speech development...


(The two shadow-copies leap at Shadowman, but they fall to pieces after a few hits with the Shadowblades.)

Shadowman: HAH! You'll NEVER beat me! You're all just cheap Taiwanese pirates ..... no match for the original!

Someone: We'll just see about that!

Shadowman: Torchman!

Bitman: And the rest of the Sinister Six!

Blademan: Yeah! We're here too.

Torchman: Our first plan was to use your own copies against you. But they were so cheaply made the ones we bought fell apart as soon as we got them out of the package!

Shadowman: NO REFUNDS!


Sharkman: Over your dead body, buddy!

Shadowman: Yeah? Well, how do you plan to do that trick? I can take you all on!

Torchman: Maybe ...... but the super computer Crorq was able to use it's vast powers to take control of every pirate you made!

Shadowman: Aw, crap.


(With that three Hardmen come crashing through the roof followed by hordes of Geminimen, Magnetmen, Shadowmen, and Snakemen!)

Hard copy: You are the meat namely the meat which dies!

Gemini Copy: Why, did you make to make a mistake in us? why!?

Magnet Copy: You can do someone by mistake? me who am not. I see hotly!

Snake-copy: You the head of the Magnetman which is pasted in him exactly are zero!

Magnet Copy: Tighten! That is not true!

Shadow-copy: Focus namely people. As for us it is necessary to destroy the originals!

Gemini Copy: As for it is to the Originals.... death!


(The copies leap into attack, but their attacks only hit thin air as the image of Shadowman is revealed to be .....)

Oilman: A hologram!

Sharkman: Shadowmen, hunt that ninja down!

Blademan: And make it bloody, guys.

Shadow-copy: Roger!

(The Shadow Copies leap into the rafters and out of view.)

Oilman: Gemini Copies! Split into two and surround the area!

Gemini Copy: Uh...... we cannot tear really in 2. Cost cutting.

Oilman: Damn it! What good is a Geminiman that can't split into two!?

Gemini Copy: Just a little! We who are the copy possess feeling.

Torchman: Damn it, just go! GO!

(The Gemini Copies run out the front door.)

Torchman: Good ...... all is in readiness..

Hard copy: Waiting, concerning the remaining people what? We should do what?

Sharkman: Trash the place! Leave nothing left intact!

The rest: ROGER!

Torchman: At last ...... vengeance will be mine....


Sharkman: Hey, boss ...... what's that gas stuff?

Torchman: Gas?

Oilman: Those morons. We're not human! We won't be knocked out by any gases!

(The PC team begins to scratch.)

Waveman: Yeah, those guys need help. Nothing can stop us.

(The PC team scratched more furiously as the itching worsens.)

Blademan: What the Hell is this!?

Torchman: It's those Mechanical Maniacs bastards! THis is some sort of ...... robotic itching power! But how is such a thing possible!?

Bitman: I'm not sure ..... but if I had to guess I'd say that since we can feel things through touch this power sends a small charge of static electricity through our sensors which makes us itch! And it's really very annoying!

Waveman: Great. Now that we know how it's done let's get the heck outta here so it can't do it anymore!

(The PC team rush for the exit as the itching increases! Along the way they pass the pirate robot masters to see them all fall apart.)

Oilman: What!? Why are all those useless robots all in pieces?

Sharkman: Who cares!? We're almost home free!

(The PC team bursts out of the ark and rushes to get the itching powder off)

Waveman: I can't get it off!

Torchman: Of all the immature..

Shadowman: Ah, glad to see you made it out in one piece!

Bitman: YOU! Pirates - ATTACK!

Shadowman: Sorry to tell you this, but those pirates weren't made to last. They fell to pieces the moment they tried to do anything too extreme - like attack me!

Blademan: Ahhh, but it's still SIX against ONE! You can't hope to beat all of us!

Behind them: *AHEM*

(The PC team turn around to see the Mechanical Maniacs in formation behind them.)


Oilman: Do you think we can take them? I think we can take them!

Torchman: Yeah!

Blademan: ...... uh ......


(The PC team retreats!)

Oilman: What!?

Torchman: COWARDS! Get back here! *turns to the 'Maniacs* You haven't seen the last of us!

(The PC team run out of sight.)

Snakeman: Do we wanna know?

Shadowman: No.

Geminiman: What's with all the broken pieces of us lying around?

Shadowman: You don't wanna know.

Topman: Anything we DO wanna know?

Shadowman: Yes. I made a few thousand dollars!

Snakeman: WHAT!? YOU!? Mr. No-work? Mr. counterfeit money machine?

Shadowman: That can still work. I still think the counterfeit money thing could work.

Needlegal: Do you wanna know what we were up to?


Shadowman: No.

Needlegal: But it was really exciting!

Shadowman: I know. But while I was hiding up in the rafters I got some itching powder on me. Now I gotta take a shower to get it all off. Later.

Snakeman: Well, I guess things turned out all right...

Magnetman: I guess...

Needlegal: And we learned something today too...

Magnetman: When?

Needlegal: We learned that Shadowman really isn't all that smart. And sometimes the best laid plans of mice and men fail miserably.

Sparkman: Wait ...... Shadowman earned money ...... but we, the responsible and honest bots earned nothing at all.

Snakeman: Don't remind me.

Topman: So until we're caught by dozens of angry dark warriors, we are ..... The Mechanical Maniacs!

The End


Musashiden Razz as .....
Raijin as .....
KittyKat as .....
Hadrian Howell as .....
    Nightmare as .....
Lennon as .....
Jonathan S. as .....
Gauntlet as .....


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