Is
reading 200+ pages of fan fic getting you down on keeping up with War?
Well, don't worry! These short summaries will give you all you need to
bring you up to speed! Beware of spoilers, however, as these summaries
do contain them (naturally).
Shadowman:
No you didn't, that doesn't even make sense. You're with me first.
Heatman: But
I'm a rebel!
Shadowman:
Shut up. Let's go.
(San Diego is a place with a beach. Now it is a smouldering war zone.)
Chimeraman:
SCREEE-I mean-ROOOAARR!!
Flashman:
Guys, I think I just saw Ridley!
(Wily's Warriors nearly crap themselves.)
Shadowman:
I got these perfect disguises for us. We turn into Scissor Joes with
the same vaguely-defined technology that allows humans to transform
into Robot Masters and stuff.
Hardman:
So...'s like holograms? Or...
Shadowman:
No, you're physically transforming and taking on the properties of
the Joe. It's like how the community member "Hadrian" became "Hardman".
Snakeman:
Where does all the extra mass go?
Heatman: How
come we don't use this tech more often? I thought I was stuck as a
zippo.
Hardman:
You mean I don't have to walk around in this big clunky form all the
time?
(The magic disguises try to make the Mechs brainwashed like real Scissor
Joes)
Snakeman:
Well, those were fun while they lasted. Too bad Hard was killed while
a Joe.
Shadowman:
He wasn't doing anything important anyway. Now, while we sneak into
this SA base, stealth is of the utmost-
Heatman: Come
and get me, f**kers! Yaahh!
Shadowman:
Damnit, Ben!
Chimeraman:
I will show you true power!
Heatman: Punitus
Infirmus!
Shadowman:
We can still blow up the reactor.
Quickman:
Not if we blow it up faster!
Shadowman:
Why would you?
Quickman:
I think you mean, "Why did you?"
Computer Voice: Namek The Base will explode...in FIVE MINUTES.
Flashman:
With my Flash Stopper, that only gives us ten minutes! Plus another
ten for dramatic effect!
WW/MM3: Let's get out of here!
Snakeman:
Not so fast. Our teams have to fight a bit first.
(They fight)
Snakeman:
Good, now let's get out of here!
Everyone:
But Ben is still inside! Noooo!
(Kaboom)
Quickman:
*voice cracking* Ben is dead...and it's all my fault!
RESULTS: Ben is dead, and it's all Quickman's fault. Shadow gets
General Cutman's blueprints of exposition. Chimeraman barely had time
to show off his kickass new design. San Diego is a hole in the ground.
(Pyongyang is a place with the Arch of Triumph. Now it is a smouldering
war zone.)
Skullman:
Hey Omniman, go kill the RPD and the SA only. They have it out for
Wily. Cossackers are your friends though. I am totally trustworthy
and not manipulating you at all.
Omniman:
RAAHH! I AM RASH AND EASILY DUPED!
(Skullman and Dustman fight Tenguman and Clownman and slaughter them
with little effort)
Skullman:
Wow, it's almost like they weren't fighting back at all.
Dustman:
I can't hack this Watcher pad since it's DNA sensitive.
Skullman:
Here, wear this dead Watcher's hands like gloves.
Dustman:
No, that is the most disturbing thing ever.
Skullman:
Do it anyway.
Dustman:
Oh, alright.
(In a completely isolated case that will in no way be overused, the
Cossackers shut down the RPD forces)
Drillman:
Now all we have to do is fight the entire Scissor Army by ourselves
and win.
(They do so)
Drillman:
Is anyone seriously damaged?
Diveman:
Just a few dents and scratches.
Drillman:
Sweet. Now we can go cash in all the stuff we looted from dead bodies.
Skullman:
And this one dead body itself!
Pharaohman:
How are we going to get money for a corpse?
Skullman:
We sell it to science.
Pharaohman:
Sell? To Science?
Skullman:
Yes. Science gives you money if you bring it corpses.
Drillman:
I don't think it works that way, Zymeth.
Skullman:
Trust me, I know science.
RESULTS: SA is slaughtered. RPD wakes up and chases off what's
left of Wily's forces. Omniman finds out he's been tricked and holds
a grudge, but still spies for Zymeth for some reason. CC wonder what
all the "sacrifice" talk was supposed to mean.
(Edmonton is a place in Canada. It is now a smouldering war zone)
(Makenshi and Deep Impact wait around for the action to start)
Wraithman:
*insert biblical-themed rambling here*
(Makenshi and Deep Impact get ready for the action to start)
Wraithman:
*insert biblical-themed rambling here*
(The action starts)
Wraithman:
Wait, let's stop fighting for a moment and debate ethics, religion,
and personal ideals.
(There is a lot of talking. Fighting resumes)
(More fighting. And it's over.)
RESULTS: RPD takes town. Wraithman loses, but gets Deep Impact
infected with Evil Energy. Makenshi treats his SF bodyguards as friends.
Deep Impact gets a bunch of scrap in addition to a healthy dose of
evil.
Doc Robot:
We will retrieve a nuclear weapon for Master!
Expressman:
Aren't you in another Scenario tailing Spark Chan?
Doc Robot:
I copied Multiman's power.
Multiman:
Wait, you can do that?
Doc Robot:
Forget I said anything.
RESULTS: WRF and Bass get a nuke for Wily. RPD and SA fight a heads
or tails battle...let's say heads. RPD wins. CG get a cargo ship and
sell it for an absurd amount.
(London is a place with the Queen of England. Now it is a smouldering
war zone)
Cossack:
Slashman and Shademan, your mission is *insert briefing that amounts
to repeating the data from the Scenario Generator here* so there is
something non-specific happening there, and you have to find out what.
(Pride and Spark Chan wander around in London, save some innocent lives,
and try to figure out why they are there)
Pride: You shouldn't waste your time helping that human woman.
Spark:
You're mean.
Slashman
and Shademan: We'll help you.
Spark:
Hm? Why are you two here?
Slashman
and Shademan: We don't know.
Pride: Maybe...we're supposed to rescue the Queen?
Spark:
That's what the RPD are here for.
Pride: Well, let's look for her too.
Doc Robot:
That Spark Chan is up to something. Doc Robot doesn't trust her!
(Slashman and Shademan fight in a random battle)
Spark:
Umm...still no sign of the Queen, guys...
(Suddenly, Cutman shows up, and the Scenario is significant)
Cutman:
Oh Spark Chan, won't you join me? Your daughter has.
Shoryu: Willingly!
Spark:
Nooooo!
Cutman:...so
is that a no?
Doc Robot:
She talks to the enemy! Doc Robot knew she couldn't be trusted!
RESULTS: RPD takes London. Spark is distraught. Pride, Slash, and
Shade proudly accomplish nothing.
(Nonsteropolis is a place that is not Monsteropolis. Now it is a smouldering
war zone.)
Mysteryman:
Taking over this town should be easy since the Ascendant Androids nearly
decimated it in the intro-er...some time after the intro...
Blizzardman:
Time to enact some terrorism and pin it on the SA. It will be easy
since the SA and RPD here are all morons.
Mysteryman:
Illusion time! All your friends and loved ones are zombies.
Blizzardman:
Noooo!
(Blizardman brutally beats Mysteryman within an inch of his life.)
Ringman:
I am here to...Why am I here? Oh, I'll just follow that guy in the
headdress.
Tomahawkman:
Wanna help me blow up RPD HQ?
Ringman:
Okay.
RESULTS: SA takes over the city. RPD headquarters is bombed (but
not THE headquarters). Mysteryman is humiliated miserably. Ringman
and the Assassins get some Shutdown Code data from the RPD.
(In the smouldering War Zone of Madrid, Protoman runs from the 7M)
Protoman:
Curses, I'm a sitting duck by myself. My only hope is to do the one
thing I had sworn never to do: betray my aloof loner status and ask
for help.
(The Maniacs go to find him. Meanwhile Shadowman begins acting restless,
irritable, and obsessive. He also starts to look suspiciously like
Bizarro Shadowman)
Needlegal:
Um, are you alright, Gauntlet?
Shadowman:
I am perfectly normal! Leave me alone!
Hardman:
Good 'nuff fer me.
Ringman:
Protoman, you're coming with me. Wily wants you for some reason. He
probably just wants your nuclear core. I don't really care, to be honest.
Protoman:
You'll be in trouble when the Mechs come to help me.
Ringman:
They're busy fighting the 7M. They won't be helping you.
Protoman:
Oh. Well, I'll just have to escape on my own then.
Hardman:
A'right! Me vs. Hyper Storm! Finally, a showdown o' th' big burly guys!
Hyper
Storm: Yeah! Except I'm small and skinny.
Hardman:
...wait, what?
Hyper
Storm: And I have a sword!
Snakeman:
G, it's great that we're winning because you're hacking the enemy's
brains and making our own troops into suicide bombers and all, but
I'm worried that you're becoming slightly insane and evil.
Shadowman:
Trust me, I knew what I was doing when I installed General Cutman's
Genius Chip into myself. I'm not evil or insane at all.
(Shadowman tries to kill his friends and family. Then Topman comes
out of nowhere and Top Spins some sense into him)
Topman:
Well, until my next cameo, we are...the Mechanical Maniacs!
RESULTS: RPD wins, but with a lot of trouble to explain to Crorq.
Shadowman is de-Geniused and bummed out. A captured and downgraded
Hyper Storm joins the RPD. Protoman gets away. Ringman isn't very successful.
Amatista is assigned as Mech Watcher. The 7M are in deep trouble with
the General. Topman heads off on his own adventures. That's more than
what usually happens in one scenario.
(Lima is a coastal city near some mountains and a rainforest. Now it
is a smouldering war zone)
Cossack:
Slashman and Shademan, your mission is *insert briefing that amounts
to repeating the data from the Scenario Generator here* so go get some
supplies.
Wily:
Omniman and Golemman, your mission is *insert briefing that amounts
to a lot of berating and ball-crushing* and don't muck it up this time!
Shademan:
Hey Wilybots, would you be interested in a team up?
Omniman:
You're not tricking me this time, Cossacker! Raahh! I'm still rash!
(A bomb shipment is set to blow up the whole city)
Shademan:
I will carry this bomb out to sea, so the explosion will only consume
myself, and the city will be spared.
Slashman:
How heroic! Except the city is empty except for SA and Wily troops.
Why don't we just escape together and let them burn?
Shademan:
Good point...oh, did I mention there are innocent humans still in the
city? They're trying to rebel against the SA.
Slashman:
That's convenient. Better go sacrifice yourself then.
Omniman:
Hey, we needed that bomb!
RESULTS: Shademan dies in a big explosion, the most popular way
to die heroically. E8 get a new cannon for Wily as a cosolation prize.
SA keeps a slightly burnt Lima.
(The two halves of the Armored Assassins team meet up on the battlefield...on
opposite sides!)
Blizzardman:
Opposite nothing. It's one massive team-up!
(Oh. Well, is anybody fighting the Gila Gladiators, at least?)
Blademan:
Nope! We're all a strong, united front against lowly grunts in the
SA and RPD.
Plantman:
Let's go destroy a bunch of Special Forces together!
All: La la laa! A big happy familyyy!
(Nothing stands in their way)
RESULTS: Wily gets to keep Cairo since everyone else is destroyed.
Armored Assassins on Cossack's side take back a damaged SF unit as
a prize. Wily and Cossack don't seem to notice all the morally ambiguous
team-ups.
My name's Vulcan. Jack Vulcan. I used to lead the Ascendant Androids.
Now I'm just some chain-smoking badass with a gun and a badge. Also,
a sword. The Androids used to be my best friends, now they're giving
the whole team a bad name with the Scissor Army. I don't have much
to live for in this world, but I'll avenge my friends...if it's the
last thing I do...
Makenshi:
Hi there. You must be my partner for this mission.
Vulcan:
Looks like it.
My name's Makenshi. Or should I say, Shiken Max. I used to be Waveman
of the Ascendant Androids. It's been a while since I've seen Vulcan,
but that was a different time and a different identity. I've had to
obscure my identity in some inconsistent way for some reason. You see,
I'm not the proudest guy on the face of the planet. Maybe I'm just
running from myself...maybe...maybe we all are...
Makenshi:
So anyway, I didn't get your name.
Vulcan:
Uh...it's Vulcan.
Makenshi:
Right, I've heard about you. My name's Ma-..x...Shiken...Max. Shiken
Max.
Vulcan:
Um...alright.
Yeah, I knew it was Makenshi. It was pretty obvious. It's been a while
since I saw the guy, it made me kinda nostalgic. I didn't know why
he was putting on this act, but in my line of work you can't get to
hung up on the "why" of things. We all have our secrets, and our reasons
for wanting to keep them. I wasn't going to drag it out of him. If
he really trusts me he'll let me in on it. All in due time, right?
All in due time...
Vulcan:
Well, let's head out, Max.
Makenshi:
Maks!? Who's that? My name is Max.
Vulcan:
...That's what I said.
Makenshi:
Oh...right. Yeah, let's go.
So far, so good. He doesn't suspect a thing.
So we were in a veritable AA reunion. Maybe this time, we-
Wait, which one of us is monologuing this part?
...I dunno. This scenario switches first-person subjects too much.
Well, it's just the two of us, how confusing can it be?
My name is Riff. I'm the leader of the Fatal-
Oh, HELL no.
Hey's it's only fair you guys.
I'm a Siege Joe. I haven't been in commission long, but I've already
made an infamous reputation for myself.
I am...CRORQ! The Maaaagniiiificent! Mwah ha hah! HA hah hoo ha hah!
Kyaah hah ha ha haaah!
I am Special Forces Unit SF-6502. Why does special human officer Makenshi
insist on calling me "Donald"? Why does he insist we call him "Shiken"?
RESULTS: I summarize the ending. It's not an easy job in a scenario
like this, but I do what I gotta do. The RPD succeeded in defending
the Alaska pipeline despite the appearance of Siege Joes, and the Fatal
Five kinda lingered in the background again. But enough about them...I'm
just a results summary stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time.
When will this war end? Am I doing the right thing? Am I being too
snarky? Not snarky enough? It's never easy...no, never easy...
Cossack:
Now Astroman, I know you're sore about the Marsupial Brothers losing
your hometown to the SA while I sent you somewhere else, but this time
I'm sending you to Joh-
Astroman:
Screw the random scenario generator! We're going to defend Groundman's
homeland in South Africa!
Cossack:
Umm...okay. I guess I can't stop you.
(The Ascendant Androids procure plutonium from a laboratory while the
TT rescue its human staff, including family friends of Groundman. The
TT are brutally beaten by the AA in battle.)
Napalmman:
What a bunch of chumps, you don't stand a-OH NO CHARGEMAN IS OUT OF
CONTROL AGAIN!
(Chargeman nearly stomps all over the plutonium lab. AA and TT begrudgingly
work together to prevent their nuclear annihilation.)
Gravityman:
I could crush you all in an instant with a mere thought.
Astroman:
Why don't you then?
Gravityman:
It's too much fun playing with you.
(Astroman Astro Crushes Gravityman)
Astroman:
You're right, that was fun.
RESULTS: AA get plutonium. TT get out with their lives. Area is
left alone since there's nothing there worth controlling any more.
(Geminiman gets his own Holy Order; Joes modified with his invisibility
mode and holographic Geminiman disguises)
Geminiman:
A whole army of me. What more could I want? Well...maybe...
(Meanwhile, Spark Chan and Bass go to Gem's location to retrieve something
for Wily)
Geminiman:
Yes! Now all I need is for Shadowman to kiss my butt and a harem of
SA Hoes and I can die happy.
Doc Robot:
That Spark woman is up to something, I just know it!
Expressman:
Why'd you have to drag us along on your stalking this time?
Spark
Chan: What are we here to retrieve, Forte?
Bass: Stop
calling me that, stupid! Everyone else calls me Bass! And just mind
your own business, you troublesome wench!
Spark
Chan: Sorry, but I need to know what I'm supposed to find, and these
numbers look suspicious...
Bass: Speak
up, coward! Don't ask so many questions, idiot! Go get those innocent,
totally-not-radioactive containers, patsy!
Spark
Chan: Stop being so mean, Bass!
Bass: That's
Forte to you, brat!
(Bass does a lot of fighting and insulting, because that's what he
does)
Geminiman:
My beloved! I shall kill everything between us and we shall be together
forever whather you want to or not!
Spark
Chan: *wide-eyed, disbelieving horror*
Geminiman:
Are you upset? Was it something I said?
Doc Robot:
See? See? I am not crazy! She is in league with the enemy!
Multiman:
Whatever you say, Doc.
(Spark and Gem are buried alive together)
Spark
Chan: Oh Lenny, can't our friendship allow you to break free of your
twisted state of mind for a moment and partially redeem yourself?
Geminiman:
Yes! *saves the day*
Spark
Chan: Yay!
Geminiman:
Moment passed. Now I'm crazy again! Mwah ha ha ha haa!
Spark
Chan: Eek!
RESULTS: SA takes Cape Canaveral. Team Wily is not entirely slaughtered
by the Holy Order. The WRF pick up nuclear device blueprints for Wily
despite Spark's attempts to sabotage the mission. Gemini needs to do
us all a favor and go bone himself some SA Hoes.
Pharon: Sorry,
he's gone a bit evil. If you'll excuse us. *Cossackers run off*
Clownman:
Why must War make friends fight? *SAD CLOWN*
Grenademan:
Pretty straightforward salvage mission. With this chip, we have all
the money in this bank!
(Searchman shoots the chip)
Grenademan:...Son
of a-!
(Everyone on the team shoots each other and eventually goes home in
failure)
Aquaman:
Dr. Cossack, it's terrible! We're infected with Evil Energy and it's
making us sabotage our own efforts!
Cossack:
I'm too busy to deal with that now. I'll chew you out next Stage.
RESULTS: Some more Siege Joes come in and help the SA conquer Osaka
while Tengu and Clown are busy being sad. The rest of Deep Impact are
in deep something else. The Marsupial Brothers fail their second mission
in a row.
(Mesmerman corners the CC and Makenshi, possesses them, and gives them
all horrifying mindtrips)
Drillman:
Nooo! My whole team is dead!
Bright
Babe: Nooo! I'm watching a play where my whole team is dead! And I'm
the one killing them!
Pharaohman:
Nooo! I can't stop my teammates from being killed! Just the female
members though...Apparently I have a chauvinistic subconscious.
Dustman:
Nooo! Everyone's dead or evil! But it turns out my dream's version
of Mesmerman is basically Mysteryman, so I can outwit him and fight
against him just by realizing what I'm seeing are illusions.
Mesmerman:
My powers don't work that way...
Diveman:
Nooo! My whole team is dead! And I'm playing Silent Hill!
Toadgirl:
Nooo! My whole team is trying to kill ME!
Skullman:
Nooo! My true love from my past life is dead! Again!
Makenshi:
Nooo! My true love from my past life is dead! Again!
Mesmerman:
Well that was fun. Let's do it again some time.
RESULTS: City is destroyed by SA. Maks and the CC run off to Scenario
J. Spark Chan was there too, but was nice and quiet about it.
Blizzardman:
Ah, the home-field advantage. Here in the snowy environment of northern
Russia, I shall be unequaled in combat!
(Punk kills Blizzardman)
Armored
Assassins: Nooo!
(Knightman kills Punk)
Doc Robot:
Go! Mad Grinder!
(Tomahawkman corners an RPD Watcher)
Tomahawkman:
Now shut down your troops or I'll kill you.
Watcher:
Seriously? Again!? This is the third stage in a row this has happened!
Tomahawkman:
Hey, this is a Metal Gear reference. That means it's perfectly all
right and everyone will love me for it.
RESULTS: Wily wins the area thanks to the Armored Assassins' help.
Blizzardman is perfectly fine. 7M are humiliated again. The RPD fires
another Watcher.
Cossack:
Cosmic Gladiators, I want you to do another team up with Wily's Forces.
That's always a good idea!
Flashman:
Metalman did something stupid and/or insane again.
Quickman:
I am sighing in exasperation though the situation is in fact uproariously
hilarious.
Foxglove: Damn the RPD which I have dedicated my professional life
to. They aren't sending reinfocements to my town. I might as well throw
all my hope on the WW and CG.
Jupiter:
I understand Geminiman is weak to acid. Where are we going to get a
lot of acid?
Pluto: Hey
guys! I found a big truck full of acid!
Jupiter:
I guess that'll have to do.
Geminiman:
Oh Quickman, can't you keep up with MY speed? I'm right here.
Geminiman:
Or am I here?
Geminiman:
Now I'm here.
Quickman:
How can he be so fast!? It's almost like he's in several places at
once! But this is Geminiman! It doesn't make sense! I'm so confused!
Ringman:
It's a good thing I recently developed my newest Trick Ring, the...lessee,
Portal Ring...Bondage Ring...Engagement Ring...Bat-Shark-Repellant
Ring...Deus Ex Machina Ring...Ah! Here it is, the Vision Ring! Lets
me see through your invisibility!
Geminiman:
So I cannot use my Holy Order to confuse you any more? Great, now I
just have to use them as a massive army that completely outnumbers
you. *sigh*
Woodman: Solar
Laser!
(Geminiman is defeated)
Foxglove: I'm so grateful I'm going to give Cossack my life savings
and abandon my job for conspiring with the enemy. Yay!
Cossack:
Cosmic Gladiators, how DARE you team up with Wily's Forces!? I hate
that guy! No more team ups!
RESULTS: Wily takes over Kalingrad. Foxglove is ruined and couldn't
be happier.
Crorq: Mechanical
Maniacs, you suck! Shadowman is demoted and I'm making this robot-hating
activist that tried to kill you a while ago your new Watcher. Also
you need a new leader...umm...Needlegal.
Needlegal:
Yes! Maybe now I'll get some character development!
Crorq: I
wouldn't count on it. And you, Drastic Measures! You suck too! Now
go on your mission!
(Monte Carlo is a place with the Casino Royale. Now it is a smouldering
war zone...and the humans are all cyborg zombies...and all the troops
have gone insane...and there's a mysterious barrier with robot corpses
piled at the edge...and SA cultists...and about 30 years have passed...lotsa
creepy stuff going on...damn, what the hell happened?)
Mesmerman:
It was me!
Shadowman:
Wait, you're not Mesmerman.
Xellos:
You're right, it was me!
Turboman:
Aw, I wanted revenge against Mesmerman.
RESULTS: Area is freed from Xellos' control, RPD moves in. All
the humans are dead though. MM3 and DM are fine, if not a little traumatized.
Xellos is fine too, but is done screwing with people for now. Amatista
still hates robots.
Riff: Hey,
General Cutman is here in person. Let's assassinate him.
Astroman:
It's worth a shot.
(Cutman brutally slaughters everyone)
RESULTS: SA wins. TT and F5 lose. Cossack has just about had it
with team-ups. At least they find out about Cutman's aversion to lightning...which
he apparently has for some reason.
Plantman:
We are invincible. We can take on the entire Scissor Army and RPD by
ourselves again.
Saturn:
Aren't you worried about being overconfident?
Plantman:
Nothing could possibly go wrong.
(Flameman and Yamatoman are overrun by the SA)
Plantman:
Oh, forget about them, now let's leave.
Saturn:
Not yet, I must avenge my accent! Hand for a hand, Hyper Storm! *cuts
off Hyper Storm's hand*
Hyper
Storm: Pfft. I don't have time to deal with YOU. I've got bigger fish
to fry. *walks away*
Saturn:
Dude, I just cut off your hand. Aren't you even mad?
Hyper
Storm: I'm too cool to be mad.
RESULTS: City is...split 50/50 between RPD and SA? Lame! Hyper
Storm is too busy acting cool do so anything of effect. SA gets Flame
and Yamato's remains. Wily forces return home in failure.
Naop: Well,
wherever it is, we need to think of something to be doing there.
Dash:...I
got nothin'
Naop:...me
neither. Maybe on the day of the deadline I'll have something.
(two weeks later)
Naop:...Nope,
still nothing. How about you?...Dash? You there?...huh.
Gauntlet:
Oh for God's sake. I'll do it.
(Bath is a place with...well it's in the United States...Iowa, I think...and
it has a population of some kind...I'm sure it's a very nice place
to live. Anyway now it is a smouldering...oh wait, it's perfectly fine.
How mysterious)
Tenguman:
There's something strange about Bath, but nobody believes us. We'll
have to investigate it alone.
Clownman:
Aha! A secret underground SA Joe factory! What a scoop!
Mysteryman:
Oh hell no, I can't miserably fail THIS mission, it's way too simple.
(Tenguman attacks Clownman due to Mysteryman illusioning Clown into
an enemy unit)
Tenguman:
Nooo!
Crorq: They
went where? Ohio? Whatever. They disobeyed orders, so I'm shutting
them down.
RESULTS: Clown and Tengu are shut down and trapped in SA territory.
SA retains its hidden base under that obscure town in Wyoming. Mysteryman
finally does something right. An impressive record is set for a scenario
missing the deadline by barely even starting the planning stage.
Aquaman:
Okay, our last mission was a bit of a flop because of that Evil Energy
thing, but if we stay out of battle, concentrate on salvage, and control
our tempers, everything will be just-
Frostman:
RAAGGGHH! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!
Swordman:
CUT! BURN! REND!
Searchman:
EXPLODE! WILY! BANZAI!
Aquaman:
*sigh*
Koala:
I'm so depressed with how this War is going. I think I'm going to surrender.
Pharon: How
can you say that? We must never surrender!
(The RPD surround Pharon)
Pharon: I
surrender.
Omniman:
Cossackers! You won't ruin things for me again!
Aquaman:
Dude, we're not doing anything!
Omniman:
That's what you always say!
(Deep Impact runs away)
Omniman:
Hey! Get back here so I can stop you from getting in my way!...Oh wait...
RESULTS: Omniman and Golemman actually have a successful mission
and bring Wily blueprints for RPD Neo Officer Bots. Deep Impact are
still functioning despite all logic. Pharon joins the RPD, Koala doesn't.
SA take the city.
Vulcan:
And that's why you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Napalmman:
...Get 'im!
(There is a lot of emotionally-charged fighting between counterparts.
Diveman lets more innocent people die without remorse. Vulcan still
loves Crys. Gravityman still lets people hit him without using his
full power)
Napalmman:
So that's the end of-OH NO CHARGEMAN IS OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN!
RESULTS: The AA are defeated but the SA still conquer the area.
Vulcan and Makenshi still have angsty unfinished business with the
evil Androids. Somewhere in all the action, Napalmman found the location
of Cossack's Citadel.
(The Mechanical Maniacs are sent to liberate Brussels from Wily Rescue
Force occupation, but it turns out the WRF are being good guys and
everyone loves them)
Doc
Robot: Not being evil feels so wrong.
Expressman:
I'm kinda enjoying it.
Needlegal:
Aw, what a let down.
Amatista:
Mission's not over! Destroy all enemies!
(The soulless new Magnetman arrives and begins taking apart the city
with his unstoppable powers)
Hardman:
Ugh. This bites. Guess we shoul' jus' retreat.
Amatista:
Not when there are still Wilybots to kill! Onward! Snakeman, kill
Spark Chan! She wrecked my weapons!
Snakeman:
But I don't want to.
Amatista:
Then you die instead! *shuts Snakeman down*
(The WRF can only evacuate a portion of the humans safely. Magnetman
levels the place)
Amatista:
Now get lost you stinkin' Wilybots! This is RPD territory now!
Shadowman:
This was the worst mission ever.
Amatista:
Are you kidding? I really enjoyed myself. We should do this again
sometime.
RESULTS: RPD takes Brussels, though the people would prefer the
WRF. Snake is down for the count. Amatista is more of a bitch than
ever. The WRF go back to being bad. Spark Chan didn't even get to
meet the other Mechs while she was busy being a plot device.
(Drastic Measures and Makenshi go to Bergen to rescue and protect some
jerk politician that's partially responsible for the Shutdown Code)
Burstgirl:
Aw, what a jerk! I wanna smash his face in! It's shutdown advocates
like him that make being a robot so difficult these days!
Watcher
Spiegel: It's casual homicidal attitudes like yours that make people
advocate the Shutdown Act.
Burstgirl:
No, it's...well, I guess that makes sense...but the Shutdown Act
is evil! And I wanna find every human that thinks it's a good idea
and tear them limb from limb!
(The Fatal Five and Saturn are there as well to investigate mysterious
robot activity or something. Turns out a mad scientist made himself
and a bunch of animals into deadly cyborgs in a hidden underwater lab)
Dr.
Wolfland: Those Shutdown advocating fools. I have the soul of a
human. At a time I was completely human! Now just because I have
greatly enhanced physical strength, speed, and stamina, built-in
artillery, claws, and armor, and tend to murder or mutilate innocent
people from time to time, that means I have to give up my freedom
to the Shutdown Code?
Burstgirl:
I know, right?
(There is lots of creepiness. The F5 and DM don't get along at all
for vaguely defined reasons, but at least there isn't another team-up.
There is fighting of cyborg animals and super-cyborg Wolfland)
Wolfland:
Spiegel...I am your father!
Spiegel:
That's not true, that's impossible!
Wolfland:
and I dug up your mother and brother's corpses, cyberized them,
and put them in these jars!
Spiegel:
...oh come on, was that really necessary?
(The lab is destroyed. Spiegel kills Wolfland. The DM escaped to the
surface. The Fatal Five mounted a bionic shark and rode it to safety
(God, that's fun to say). The asshole politician guy was saved)
Senator
Hugo: I hate robots! I'm not the least bit grateful! Grr bah grahh!
Burstgirl:
Come here you little turd! *beats him within an inch of his life*
Turboman:
Heh heh. That's our Burstgirl!
(Everyone laughs)
RESULTS: RPD takes Bergen. Spiegel is nice and only pretends to
shut Burstgirl down. The Fatal Five mounted a bionic shark and rode
it to safety. Saturn ditches Wily and goes back to his team. The Fatal
Five mounted a bionic shark and rode it to safety.
(Niagra Falls is a place with big waterfalls. Now it is a smouldering
war zone)
Plantman:
I am sooo great. I can't begin to describe how awesome I am. Watch
me destroy enemy RPD units with one shot without even looking at
them.
Heatman:
Well, I'm here. I wanna die. Gonna go blow up the city now.
Plantman:
I would be more surprised, but I'm just too cool and confident. Just
from looking at him, I can determine that he will most likely destroy
the entire city in more or less exactly 45 minutes.
Windman:
How did you figure that out, again?
Plantman:
Weren't you listening? I'm awesome! I'm on first-name basis with
Dr.Wily. He looks up to me.
(A mysterious new character appears on the scene!)
Tempest:
My master has charged me with fighting in this War on the side of good.
He'll be around shortly.
(Another mysterious new character appears on the scene!)
Nox: Hi,
I'm magic.
Plantman:
I'm incredible. Seriously. I used to be a god. I'm not that powerful
any more of course. I'm still better than all of you though.
Windman:
We have to evacuate the entire city in less than an hour.
Tempest:
I agree, but that sounds physically impossible.
Plantman:
Not when you're dealing with me. Listen, I am perfect. We will save
everyone in the city.
Pharon
and Hyperstorm: Not if we can stop you!
(The Loners fight against the Wilybots. The city is still evacuated
in the nick of time)
Plantman:
No, listen to me...I...am...amazing. I don't think everyone
understands that enough.
Nox:
And to escape the teleportation barrier...magic!
(Nox magics everyone to safety)
Nox: Whew...anyway,
I wanna join the RPD.
Plantman:
I mean it. I'm the best. You know the big overpowered Blizzardman
on my team that holds my weakness? I could totally beat him up
if I wanted.
RESULTS: Nox and his summons join the RPD. Niagra Falls is
nuked by Heatman.
Wily:
You know what we need? A big meeting of commanders where we recap
everything that's happened so far. That should be interesting.
(Everyone gives reports, except Blademan who gives a detailed play-by-play)
Wily:
Well that was boring and pointless. You know what we really need to
do? Go blow up Monsteropolis with atomic Multimen!
Flashman:
A bunch of human refugees wanna crash at the castle.
Wily:
Huh?...Yeah, sure. Whatever.
Spark
Chan: Oh no, Wily is still evil! Even my womanly charms won't convince
him to call off the attack!
Quickman:
Neither will mine!
Flashman:
Maybe I can help! And in the process I can drop hints of my totally
mysterious and awesome background story.
Quickman:
No one cares, Cyros.
(While Henry gets Wily drunk and distracted, Spark Chan and the Warriors
fight against Bass, Pride, Mr.Whiz, Doc Robot, and the E8 in order
to stop them from reaching Monsteropolis. They rig a teleportation
blocker to warp all the Multimen into space where they detonate harmlessly)
Spark
Chan: Ah, the world is safe and everyhting is back to normal.
Wily:
What happened?...My plan! My beautiful plaaan! Who did this? Spark
Chan? How could you? Warriors! You worthless traitors!
Quickman:...man,
wish we had more time to think this one through.
RESULTS: Wily loses a good chunk of his nuclear pile. The good
Wilybots are in hot water with the big man. Apparently there are
a bunch of refugees slumming around the Castle's basement now. Meanwhile,
Ringman and the GG recover Wavegirl.
Artilleryman:
Where's my money? ...no? Well, it was worth a shot.
Napalmman:
Alright grunts, these commie chumps don't stand a chance, and
you know why? Because we are the superior army in every way!
They're a disorganized mass of rebels while we're a unified force
of obedience and loyalty! Now let's hear a "Sir, Yes Sir!"
Geminiman:
Your strategy stinks. I have a better one.
Quint:
I would make a much better leader.
Sedulus:
My superior intelligence has determined that you are all inferior
to me.
Gravityman:
Let's all ignore Napalm and do our own thing!
(Cutman arrives and the invasion begins. While Cutman hunts down Cossack
with an entourage of bodyguards, Napalm and Gemini are placed on guard
duty while the heavy units go to breach the outer walls. Geminiman
has a rematch against Artilleryman and this time Artilleryman is winning.
Quint still thinks he's good at strategy and hunts down snipers in
the woods but gets hopelessly beaten by Tomahawkman and Searchman.
Grenademan and Dustman have to contend with Crystalcha-OH MY GOD CHARGEMAN
IS OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN! Meanwhile, Koala is a sniveling surrendering
coward, and so is Blizzardman but the former manages to be more pathetic
about it. Jupiter and Tenguman defeat Gyroman offscreen, how lame.
Pharaohman and Sunstar manage to defeat Gravityman with the help of
Bright and Uranus with great difficulty. The ice Cossackers lay the
cold on Waveman while the water Cossackers lay the wet on Stoneman.
Mysteryman actually does a lot and doesn't suck for once. Wraithman
focuses solely on Skullman. Frostman joins the SA apparently. Spade
kills and humiliates CG members, not necessarily in that order. Sedulus
interjects a lot. And there's a MysteryJoe disguised as one of the
Russian scientists that spies on them, and Toadgirl goes back and forth
between abandoning her friends and dying with them in a confusing way,
and Kalinka is separated from her father and oh god damnit this is
way too long...)
Summary of the Summary
(Lots of fighting. Cossack dies)
RESULTS: Citadel's gone. Cossack and CC are DEAD! Frostman, Koala,
and Skullman are taken by the SA. Kalinka runs the new Cossack faction
on the run.
Every Single War Journal
(Author's character monologues about his/her feelings, reflections,
and general angst over the course of the War)
(Some mysterious people do something mysterious to Snakeman's corpse
at RPDHQ)
(No longer a smouldering war zone, Toronto has been rebuilt in the
SA's image)
Evil
Super Koala: So this is what it's like when the SA settles in and
devotes itself to construction rather than destruction? It's kinda
creepy, but certainly peaceful and efficient. I suppose it really
is an utopia.
Cutman:
Okay, we're moving out.
Koala:
What? Everyone? But we just finished moving in.
Cutman:
Need my soldiers on the battlefield. Just abandon it.
Kalinka:
Artilleryman, go capture that traitor Super Koala. You'll get paid
this time, honest.
(Later)
Artilleryman:
Here you go.
Kalinka:
...that's not Koala. That's Ringman.
Artilleryman:
That's even better, isn't it?
Kalinka:
I guess... *tortures Ringman*
Needlegal:
Damn, that was an epic battle. I sure kicked that giant monster
koala's ass though!
Pharon:
Hey, I heard you guys rescued my brother!
Shadowman:
Uh...yeah!..."Rescued"...
RESULTS: Bath and Toronto are captured by the RPD. Kalinka
turns Ringman to scrap. Artilleryman still doesn't get paid. Amatista
is slightly less of a bitch. The reunited Marsupial Brothers retire
from War.
Watcher
Riley: Well, Burst got shot through the neck, Spring was stabbed
in the back, Turboman was lanced by Omniman, and Cloudman was smashed
by Golemman...Seem like easily reparable damages to me.
Junkman:
They're all dead...if only there was more I could do...
Riley:
Seriously, don't you robots get torn up more than that on a daily
basis and get back up just fine the next day? I mean you should see
Needlegal from the last scenario...
Junkman:
All gone, never to rise again...Oh cruel fate!
RESULTS: Nonsteropolis is reclaimed by the RPD. However most
of Drastic Measures were removed from War...maybe? The Evil Eight
were supposed to capture SA Joes for Wily to reprogram, but they
were defeated in a double-death duel with Turbo and Cloud, so they
probably failed. Omni and Golem are still alive though.
(Wily's territory is invaded by the SA and their new Frost Joes)
Spade:
Yo ho ho! I'm a pirate!
(wacky Spade-related hijinks ensue)
Sedulus:
You have no hope of defeating me, Fatal Five. My perfect brain has
accounted for any possible strategy one can use against me.
Lento:
Slow Shot! *immobilizes Sedulus*
Sedulus:
Note to self: plan for time-manipulation strategy on next upgrade.
(wacky Spade-related hijinks are still ensuing)
Warpman:
I guess while they're distracted, I can just blow them up then.
(Later)
Scissor
Joe: Sedulus and Spade were defeated and have not returned to base,
sir. Should we hunt them down and torture them for trying to abandon
the Scissor Army?
Cutman:
Nah, I don't really care.
RESULTS: F5 keep Murmansk for Wily. Spade and Sedulus are removed
from War. Noguchi and Silver Feather (who?...War Journal? Bah.) gather
scrap for Cossack.
(Kuwait is a place with oil fields. Now it is a smouldering war zone.)
Napalmman:
So, no one but Deep Impact to oppose us? Perfect. This mission should
go off without a hitch. Yes, for once, absolutely nothing can possibly
go wr-OH MY GOD CHARGEMAN IS OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN!
Waveman:
It's okay, he was killed.
Napalmman:
Whew. Finally.
Crystalchan:
Who killed him?
Clownman:
It was me!
Searchman:
Wait, you're not Clownman.
Mesmerman:
You're right, it was me!
Napalmman:
Traitor!...Oh crap, we'd better warn the boss!
(The AA retreat)
Mesmerman:
So do I get a thank you?
Grenademan:
You couldn't have revealed yourself and chased them away before Astro
and Sword were killed?
Grenademan:
...You couldn't have revealed yourself and chased them away after they
killed the rest of us?
RESULTS: Mesmerman has betrayed the SA! Chargeman's out of War
permanently. So are Astrochan and Swordman...maybe? Mesmer has the
rest of Deep Impact in his sinister clutches now. Cutman still doesn't
appreciate anything Napalmman does for him.
Jupiter:
Now that Saturn's back on Cossack's side, it looks like the Cosmic
Gladiators are finally reunited! Where's Sunstar and Dark Moon?
Saturn:
Ran into them on my way out of Wily's. Guess they joined him.
Jupiter:
Aw, come on!
(Cairo is being defended for Wily by Sunstar and Dark Moon. The rest
of CG go there to capture Skullman)
Sunstar:
Well, long time no see, guys.
Saturn:
It's been a month. Oh crap, Skullman!
(Skullman destroys Cairo)
Jupiter:
Good thing we escaped to Kalingrad in time. Where's Sunstar and Dark
Moon?
Saturn:
*shrug*
(Kalingrad is being defended for Wily by the Armored Assassins. The
TT go there to capture Frostman)
Blizzardman:
I blame Zapper's death entirely on Naop. I must avenge Zapper by
tricking Naop by helping him, and then killing him. Oh, how I miss
Zapper.
(After Frostman is defeated)
Naop:
Well, glad there's no hard feelings, Regulus. We'll be going now.
Blizzardman:
Attack, White Devil! For Zapper! Zapper Zapper Zapper!
Cossack
and Cossack's Comrades: Guess what, we were never dead!
Blizzardman:
Suddenly I am sane again! Sorry Naop.
Naop:...yeah...no
hard feelings.
Blizzardman:
So how did you guys not die, anyway? Retcon?
Geminiman:
Now I shall knock down the CN Tower.
Drastic
Measures: Not if we can stop it!
Artilleryman:
Meanwhile, I have been hired by Cossack as a highly-skilled, badass
mercenary.
Cossack:
Damnit!
RESULTS: Gem wins Toronto. DM are traumatized. Artilleryman is
a joke.
Heatman:
Wait, what? I wanted to join the SA.
Shadowman:
No you didn't, that doesn't even make sense. You're with me first.
Chimeraman:
SCREEE-I mean-ROOOAARR!!
Flashman:
Guys, I think I just saw Ridley!
Hardman:
So...'s like holograms? Or...
Snakeman:
Where does all the extra mass go?
Quickman:
Not if we blow it up faster!
Computer Voice: 
Everyone:
But Ben is still inside! Noooo!
Skullman:
Hey Omniman, go kill the RPD and the SA only. They have it out for
Wily. Cossackers are your friends though. I am totally trustworthy
and not manipulating you at all.
Omniman:
RAAHH! I AM RASH AND EASILY DUPED!
Dustman:
I can't hack this Watcher pad since it's DNA sensitive.
Drillman:
Now all we have to do is fight the entire Scissor Army by ourselves
and win.
Diveman:
Just a few dents and scratches.
Pharaohman:
How are we going to get money for a corpse?
Gila
Gladiators: The odds are against us, but we'll fight to the end anyway!
Napalmman:
Well, that was a fairly simple-OH NO CHARGEMAN IS OUT OF CONTROL!
Wraithman:
*insert biblical-themed rambling here*
Koala:
We're hear to gather combat data on the Seven Mercs.
Pharon: They're
kicking our ass!
Saturn:
'Eya I'th' St'rdr'd th's d'cid'd ta wor' wi' th' Wily lot, righ'? Le's
figh' th'm Sc'ss'r 'rmy a'ready.
Hyper
Storm: I'll cut your head off with my sword! *cuts off Saturn's hand*
Doc Robot:
We will retrieve a nuclear weapon for Master!
Expressman:
Aren't you in another Scenario tailing Spark Chan?
Multiman:
Wait, you can do that?
Pride: You shouldn't waste your time helping that human woman.
Spark:
You're mean.
Slashman
and Shademan: We'll help you.
Cutman:
Oh Spark Chan, won't you join me? Your daughter has.
Shoryu: Willingly!
Mysteryman:
Taking over this town should be easy since the Ascendant Androids nearly
decimated it in the intro-er...some time after the intro...
Blizzardman:
Time to enact some terrorism and pin it on the SA. It will be easy
since the SA and RPD here are all morons.
Ringman:
I am here to...Why am I here? Oh, I'll just follow that guy in the
headdress.
Tomahawkman:
Wanna help me blow up RPD HQ?
Astroman:
I must defend my hometown.
Vulcan:
I am here and I exist.
Protoman:
Curses, I'm a sitting duck by myself. My only hope is to do the one
thing I had sworn never to do: betray my aloof loner status and ask
for help.
Needlegal:
Um, are you alright, Gauntlet?
Topman:
Well, until my next cameo, we are...the Mechanical Maniacs!
Wily:
Omniman and Golemman, your mission is *insert briefing that amounts
to a lot of berating and ball-crushing* and don't muck it up this time!
Cosmic
Gladiators: Salvage. Teleportation. Incompatibility.
Mesmerman:
Hey, what are you guys doing wasting time on each other? I've got an
evil misery-farming human death camp thing going on here.
Plantman:
Let's go destroy a bunch of Special Forces together!
Makenshi:
Hi there. You must be my partner for this mission.
Gravityman:
I could crush you all in an instant with a mere thought.
Bright
Babe: The what?
Governor:
Well Comrades, you've saved us all. I suppose the least I can do is
let you all go free instead of turning you in to the RPD.
Bass: Stop
calling me that, stupid! Everyone else calls me Bass! And just mind
your own business, you troublesome wench!
Clownman:
War is depressing. *SAD CLOWN*
Tenguman:
It is difficult being separated from our team....oh there they are.
Searchman:
Good, good. Can't complain. *shoots Clownman*
Grenademan:
Pretty straightforward salvage mission. With this chip, we have all
the money in this bank!
Aquaman:
Dr. Cossack, it's terrible! We're infected with Evil Energy and it's
making us sabotage our own efforts!
Toadgirl:
Nooo! My whole team is trying to kill ME!
Armored
Assassins: Nooo! 
Watcher:
Seriously? Again!? This is the third stage in a row this has happened!
Woodman: Solar
Laser!
Crorq: Mechanical
Maniacs, you suck! Shadowman is demoted and I'm making this robot-hating
activist that tried to kill you a while ago your new Watcher. Also
you need a new leader...umm...Needlegal.
Xellos:
You're right, it was me!
Riff: Hey,
General Cutman is here in person. Let's assassinate him.
Gauntlet:
Oh for God's sake. I'll do it.
Frostman:
RAAGGGHH! CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY!
Swordman:
CUT! BURN! REND!
Crystalchan:
Wow, he really has a speech alright.
Amatista:
Mission's not over! Destroy all enemies!
Watcher
Spiegel: It's casual homicidal attitudes like yours that make people
advocate the Shutdown Act.
Dr.
Wolfland: Those Shutdown advocating fools. I have the soul of a
human. At a time I was completely human! Now just because I have
greatly enhanced physical strength, speed, and stamina, built-in
artillery, claws, and armor, and tend to murder or mutilate innocent
people from time to time, that means I have to give up my freedom
to the Shutdown Code?
Senator
Hugo: I hate robots! I'm not the least bit grateful! Grr bah grahh!
Windman:
How did you figure that out, again?
Tempest:
My master has charged me with fighting in this War on the side of good.
He'll be around shortly.
Nox: Hi,
I'm magic.
Quint:
I would make a much better leader.
Sedulus:
My superior intelligence has determined that you are all inferior
to me.
Evil
Super Koala: So this is what it's like when the SA settles in and
devotes itself to construction rather than destruction? It's kinda
creepy, but certainly peaceful and efficient. I suppose it really
is an utopia.
Kalinka:
Artilleryman, go capture that traitor Super Koala. You'll get paid
this time, honest.
Watcher
Riley: Well, Burst got shot through the neck, Spring was stabbed
in the back, Turboman was lanced by Omniman, and Cloudman was smashed
by Golemman...Seem like easily reparable damages to me.
Spade:
Yo ho ho! I'm a pirate!
Lento:
Slow Shot! *immobilizes Sedulus*
Warpman:
I guess while they're distracted, I can just blow them up then.
Scissor
Joe: Sedulus and Spade were defeated and have not returned to base,
sir. Should we hunt them down and torture them for trying to abandon
the Scissor Army?
Waveman:
It's okay, he was killed.